Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Harold and Kumar Get White Hats

According to the latest data, four of the five top-selling cars in the “Cash for Clunkers” program are Japanese models, with the Ford Focus being the only American car on the list. General Motors is hoping to cash in on this trend by changing the name of one of its models to the Malibushi.

Eli Manning signed a new six-year, $97 million contract extension with the New York Giants making him the highest paid player in the NFL. He asked to be paid in dollar bills that he’s going to stack in front of the TV every time one of his brother Peyton’s commercials comes on.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il is already spinning his meeting with former president Bill Clinton. He’s having the pictures of the two of them photoshopped so it looks like he’s taller than Clinton and is trading the journalists for cash, iPods and a chubby former intern.

A new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns ranchers that cattle cause an average of 20 deaths a year on U.S. farms. The numbers are highest in South Carolina where sex with animals is common and results in a high number of cases of death by jealous Guernsey.

The Defense Department confirms that two Russian attack submarines have been spotted off the Atlantic coast over the past several days. So far, the Pentagon isn’t sure if the subs pose a threat or if it’s just Russian paparazzi hoping to get pictures of the Obamas on vacation at Martha’s Vineyard.

Vice President Joe Biden went to Detroit to announce the first round of $2 billion in federal research grants for batteries for electric cars. The people of Detroit relate to Biden because they also used to have good jobs but now just wait around for anything they can get.

To prevent her dog from flying in the cargo hold, an Israeli woman paid $32,000 and bought out the entire business section of an El Al flight from Paris to Israel so the pooch could ride with her. She won’t do it again because the dog spent the entire flight barfing into the barf bag and then eating it.

A man who calls himself a “bubbleologist” created a 20 feet by 5 feet by 5 feet soap bubble in a London park and claims it’s a world record. This beats the old record set when Rush Limbaugh did a show while soaking in a bubble bath.

Paula Abdul used Twitter to announce she’s quitting her job as judge on “American Idol.” Well, we think that’s what she said. Paula is the only Twitter user who can actually ramble with only 140 characters.

There are so many camels running around in Australia that business owners and environmentalists are trying to convince people to try eating them. They’re hoping to popularize camel burgers by opening a new fast food chain called Jack-in-the-Hump.

Word in Hollywood is that the long-running TV western “Gunsmoke” is being made into a movie. I’m not sure how much the film will resemble the show since the working title is “Harold and Kumar Get White Hats.”

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