Topical Rub

Greyhound One

2011-08-15T14:11:00.000-05:00

According to a new book, the British had a plan during the Second World War to turn Hitler into a woman by secretly putting female sex hormones in his food. Bad plan. The only thing worse than Hitler is Hitler with PMS.

The makers of Spanx have a line of figure-changing boxer shorts that are supposed to suck in beer bellies, lift up sagging butts and smooth out spare tires. If you wonder where the fat goes, they come with a warning not to put them on before taking off your baseball cap.

Ukraine’s environmental minister has banned restaurants from giving vodka to caged bears as a form of entertainment. Not only is it bad for the bears, it’s a waste of good vodka, according to Ukraine’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Alcohol.

With his approval rating below 40 percent for the first time, President Obama is visiting three states by bus. Nothing brings confidence that our leader will fix our economic problems like watching him step off of Greyhound One.

Republican presidential hopefuls Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann appeared at the same event in Iowa without acknowledging each other’s presence. They were practicing for when they’re out campaigning and meet poor people.

Warren Buffett says in a New York Times opinion piece that billionaires like himself should pay more in taxes. Wrong place. If he wants other billionaires to read it, he should write it on the back of a senator.

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources says the invasive species known as Asian carp have been found in the Wisconsin River. Governor Scott Walker plans to stop the carp by passing a bill making it illegal for them to organize in schools.

Ron Paul says his second place finish in the Iowa straw poll with 4,671 votes shows he’s a valid candidate for president. If that’s the case, so is every kid who finished second in the high school senior class election.

Sara Lee and Kraft foods are in court fighting over whether Ball Park Franks or Oscar Meyer are the nation’s top hot dogs. No matter which one wins, we hate both of them for reminding us of Anthony Weiner.

Watch as she flies by

2011-03-17T11:58:00.002-05:00

Malaysian radio stations worried about listeners being offended by some lyrics in Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” have been replacing them with indecipherable garble. The move backfired as Malaysians are now calling Gaga the next Bob Dylan.

Police in Malaysia have recovered about 700,000 condoms that were stolen while being shipped two months ago. The six condom thieves are now in jail where they’re getting no pleasure from being ribbed.

Darren Taylor, who calls himself Professor Splash, has broken his own world shallow water diving record by diving from a 36-foot tower into a wading pool filled with 12 inches of water. He’s been doing it for so long, he travels around the world by shipping himself in a large envelope.

A commemorative mug celebrating the upcoming Royal wedding is now a collector’s item because it has a picture of Prince Harry, the brother of future groom Prince William. It’s the perfect mug for hot drinks because Kate Middleton looks really steamed.

A contestant on “Thailand's Got Talent” shocked audiences by revealing herself as a male-to-female transgender when her soprano voice changed to tenor midway through her performance. One frustrated judge couldn’t decide whether to call the singer “Dawg” or “Cat.”

Donald Trump says he would spend up to $600 million of his own money on a presidential campaign if he decides to run in 2012. It would be more but taxpayers will foot the bill for Secret Service protection for his hair.

A Republican state representative in Texas has introduced a bill that would establish new workplace protections for proponents of creationism or other alternate theories of the origination and development of organisms. Unfortunately, Texas offers no such protection for proponents of the Hawaiian origination and development of President Obama.

First lady Michelle Obama is writing a book about her White House garden and the benefits of healthy eating. This will be the first book written by a First Lady that actually digs up some dirt.

Singer LeAnn Rimes says people worried about recent photos of her looking extremely thin should come see how she looks in person. Or better yet, look out the window during a strong wind and watch as she flies by.

Let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora

2011-03-15T16:56:00.002-05:00

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, to whom history is a mystery, proudly states that she homeschooled her five children and 23 foster children. This explains why many of them come to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as Founding Fathers.

Republican Congressman Virgil Peck of Kansas claims he was just joking when he suggested that illegal immigration could be controlled with gunmen shooting from helicopters. Since he still has his job, Congress might be a new career opportunity for Gilbert Gottfried.

Despite what’s happening in Japan, House Republicans are still defending cuts to foreign aid and ocean safety in their budget proposals. Before they vote on it, let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora.

According to a new poll, for the first time ever the number of people who say they get their news online is greater than those who get it from newspapers. Newspapers are hoping to regain readers by adding a new section devoted to pictures of kittens.

Since the Amish don’t like to be photographed, Amish gun-owners in Illinois are upset about a new rule requiring photos to be on gun-owner ID cards. They’re warning this could cause a rise in serial sickle-killers.

A boa constrictor being held by a female model in Israel died after biting the woman’s silicone breast. An autopsy was performed on the snake to determine how it was able to bite and smile at the same time.

A racetrack in England is selling designer boots made in the shape of horses’ hooves. The first thing women ask the salesman after putting them on is, “Do these shoes make my butt look fast?”

A 13-year-old Ohio boy has launched his own line of scented candles called Mancans that are designed for men, with fragrances like bacon, pizza, sawdust and the smell of a new leather baseball mitt. They’re selling so well, he’s planning to open his own store called Bees, Beer and Beyond.

Alaska authorities say a 6-year-old Anchorage boy is doing better after being attacked by a moose while walking home from school. Sarah Palin blamed this on the Democrats and their push for public schools over home-schooling.

Despite winning the online poll, city fathers in Fort Wayne, Indiana, have decided not to name a new government building after a former mayor and call it the Harry Baals Government Center. Fans of Hairy Baals are hoping local construction picks up and they can use the name for a new erection.

Critics of a Nevada bill banning air fresheners and candles in public places say it will lead to smelly rooms and prohibit priests from using candles in Mass. Priests can get around the law by having the choir sing Freebird so parishioners will illuminate the church with lighters.

He’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes

2011-01-31T11:10:00.002-06:00

The most unusual royal wedding souvenir so far is a memorial condom from Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction, which the package describes as being “lavishly lubed” and “regally ribbed.” If you think that’s tacky, those are also Kate and William’s nicknames for each other.

In Switzerland, a circus tightrope walker set a new world record by walking across a cable car wire nearly two miles above the ground. From that altitude, the Swiss army looks like a little knife.

Doctors in Warsaw say a drunk man found lying on a frozen park bench in his underwear in below-freezing weather survived because his blood alcohol level was nearly 30 times the legal limit for driving. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – tipsy.

A crematorium in Crestone, Colorado, is the only one in the nation offering funeral pyres - open-air cremations for people regardless of religion. Many families also request a walk through a nearby swamp after the funeral pyre, but the director says there’s no time to wallow in the mire.

The popularity of the HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" about Prohibition-era Atlantic City has prompted many casinos and hotels there to take on a 1920’s look. It’s the same thing that happened in Washington after the Republicans took control of the House.

The White House kicked off “Startup America,” a national campaign to promote entrepreneurship across the country. The European Union has a similar campaign to promote European businesses called “Shut up, America.”

KEE Action Sports LLC of New Jersey is recalling 1,400 paintball guns because they could injure the user or the person they’re pointed at. The aluminum paintball guns will be replaced with safer ones made from irony.

Sarah Palin says she thinks a rumored media boycott of her is good because then she won't get “blamed” for the uprising in Egypt. On the other hand, she’d love to helicopter over Cairo and shoot one of them sphinxes.

British actor Henry Cavill has been selected for the title role in the next Superman film. I’m not sure American audiences will flock to see the Man of Steel wearing a cape and a cane.

House Speaker John Bohener says he’s not going to apologize for crying and he wants people to stop picking on him for smoking. Well, at least he’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes.

Unicorn tortillas

2011-01-25T13:09:00.001-06:00

Kate Middleton has quit her day job working as a web designer to focus on her upcoming marriage to Prince William. She didn’t want to quit, but it was easier than trying to explain to Wills what a “job” was.

Bristol Palin says she’s received a job offer to co-host a radio show in her new home state of Arizona. You can tell she’s a Palin because she’s looking forward to showing listeners the new dance steps she’s learned.

Former Republican Senator George Allen says he made up the word “macaca” that cost him the Virginia election in 2006. And if you don’t believe him, he says you’re a midiot.

A married Canadian man is making a documentary about his trip around the world with six life-size sex dolls for company. I don’t want to give away the ending, but it involves his wife, the sex dolls, sled dogs and six Lady Gaga meat dresses.

Before it was removed, the hottest video on YouTube showed a man filming himself lying on railroad tracks while a train passes over him. It was replaced with a video shot by a witness onboard called “Throw-up Mama From The Train.”

A woman named Kate Middleton was kicked off Facebook for having the same name as Prince William's fiancée. To get her account back and keep from being harassed by fans of the royal family, she’s changing her name top Camilla Parker-Bowles.

A town council in England is in trouble for plans to use its crematorium furnace to heat a swimming pool. They didn’t think any pool users would notice since you don’t feel the crematorium heat until you’re six feet under.

Some public restrooms in Tokyo are offering video games called Toylets with eye-level screens which are controlled by the aim and pressure of the player’s stream of urine. Those with prostate problems can play Gland Theft Auto.

A California company is working on a line of medical marijuana soft drinks with names like Canna Cola and Doc Weed. You can’t overdose but if you start to feel sluggish, the company recommends switching to 7-Uppers.

The owner of Boca Tacos and Tequila in Tuscon, Arizona, has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in his tacos. Serving up endangered species hasn’t been a good idea since a medieval restaurant started offering unicorn tortillas.

Flashing their juicy fruits

2011-01-24T08:13:00.002-06:00

Rep. Michele Bachmann will be giving the Tea Party response to President Obama’s State of the Union address. Bachmann is the perfect choice since no one in the Tea Party is better at putting the “butt” in rebuttal.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas failed to report his wife's income of almost $700,000 from a conservative think tank for at least five years. Thomas didn’t do it intentionally – he was just waiting to see what Justice Antonin Scalia put on his tax form first.

Military experts say China’s new stealth fighter jet may have been made using parts and technology from an American F-117 Nighthawk that was shot down over Serbia in 1999. That explains why much of the plane appears to be held together with stealth duct tape.

In Munich, Germany, a dentist bought low-cut dresses for herself and her nurses to distract patients while she drills their teeth. It works great, but now she has to invest in heavy-duty drool-suckers.

Republican House majority leader Eric Cantor says he believes President Obama is a citizen. He won’t say this during the president’s State of the Union address because he doesn’t want Joe Miller to yell “You lie!”

A man in Germany won a brand new Mini Cooper after having the car’s logo tattooed on his manhood. Now his girlfriend has two reasons for nicknaming his manhood “Mini Cooper.”

After 233 days in a locked steel capsule in Moscow, six researchers on a 520-day simulated flight to Mars are getting ready for their fake landing on the Red Planet. This project is so low-budget, the fake landing will be created by the six guys jumping up and down simultaneously.

Republican George Allen will try to reclaim the Senate seat from Virginia he lost five years ago after using the racial slur “macaca.” Allen has learned his lesson and will switch to the expression “You know what I’m talkin’ about.”

The Wrigley Company has pulled its ads from MTV's controversial teen drama “Skins.” Apparently Wrigley had a different idea in mind when the show’s producers said they’d show teenagers flashing their juicy fruits.

Palace insiders say Sarah Ferguson, the duchess of York and ex-wife of Prince Andrew, will receive an invitation to Prince William's marriage ceremony to Kate Middleton. Her royal invitation will be stamped “Not for resale.”

They both bunted

2011-01-21T15:26:00.000-06:00

An Australian physicist claims that the star Betelgeuse could go supernova in 2012, causing the Earth to have two suns for a few weeks and possibly have no night. The good news is, we’ll be able to stop it if everyone on the planet simultaneously yells “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”

In Norway, a 13-year-old boy scared off a pack of wolves by playing the heavy metal group Megadeath on his mobile phone. He was playing Angry Birds and thinks the wolves may have been attracted to the pigs.

A Polish company has developed a communist version of the ultimate capitalist game Monopoly where players circle the board trying to acquire bread, toilet paper and other basic necessities. It’s expected to be popular in Poland, other former communist countries and Detroit.

Star Wars producer George Lucas says he believes the world will end in 2012. Boy, some people will say anything to get a lifetime achievement award.

South Korean special forces performed a daring raid and saved the crew of a hijacked freighter in the Arabian Sea from Somali pirates. The commandos managed to scare the pirates into submission by saying they were from North Korea.

Sacha Baron Cohen will play Saddam Hussein in a new film called “The Dictator.” And in a surprise casting decision, Borat will play George W. Bush.

For the first time since the 1800s, a small group of wild bison was herded into their historical grazing grounds north of Yellowstone National Park in Montana. Republicans protested the cost of caring for the animals because it’s a national park so taxpayers will have to pick up the buffalo bill.

Cross-dressing Day for students at a public school in Canada was canceled after protests from parents. I don’t blame them. Have you ever tried to find hockey masks for girls?

Police in Sandusky, Ohio, arrested two brothers after they hit each other in the head with baseball bats. It could have been worse but the men were lousy hitters so they both bunted.

A woman in Oklahoma is upset at school officials for giving her 7-year-old son an in-school suspension for pointing his finger like a gun. They had to do it because he was holding a box of 30 ladyfingers so that made his hand an assault weapon.

Stands With An Erection

2011-01-19T18:02:00.002-06:00

Charlie Sheen reportedly ran up a $26,000 prostitute tab one weekend in Las Vegas in early January. This guy has more expensive hoes than a Neiman-Marcus Santa.

LeBron James has a new animated series called “The LeBrons” on YouTube that he claims will show kids of all ages how to be a good person. The only way for that to happen is for cartoon LeBron to tell the kids to turn the PC off.

Researchers in Maine have discovered a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they are calling the earliest confirmed domesticated dog in the Americas. The bone was found in a pile of human excrement, which means that either a person ate the dog or that early scooper laws were the opposite of today’s.

The president of the Boston Blazers lacrosse team apologized to fans for a racy halftime show involving scantily clad women giving lap dances to the team's mascot. What’s the big surprise? Everybody knows that “lacrosse” is a Native American word that means “Stands With An Erection.”

The maker of a $264 gastric bypass kit available on Amazon.com says the product was not meant for home use. People who liked it also liked the case of 144 Twinkies.

A Missouri woman who owns and operates a museum dedicated to hair says she has locks from Elvis Presley, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe. Amazingly, they were all found in a sink at the White House.

Sen. Joe Lieberman Announced he won’t run for re-election in 2012. Lieberman has run as a member of every party except the Tea Party and decided he looks silly in a three-corner hat.

An infectious disease expert says washing hands with soap and water is the best way to keep germs from spreading but there is no best way to dry hands. The worst way is asking the guy standing next to you to blow on them.

Hillary Clinton says she hasn't committed to serving a second term as secretary of state if President Barack Obama is reelected to the White House in 2012. She’s waiting for Obama to decide whether she and Biden should flip coins, draw straws or arm-wrestle.

According to the latest poll, Sarah Palin’s unfavorability ratings have reached 56 percent, the highest ever. This could kill her chances to run for president or get picked to host the Golden Globes.

Jack Bauer – The Later Years

2011-01-18T17:44:00.002-06:00

A councilman in Huntington Beach, California, wants police to post mug shots of anyone arrested more than once for driving while under the influence. If public humiliation of lawbreakers really worked, there’d be nothing to watch on C-SPAN.

Regis Philbin announced he is retiring from “Live! with Regis and Kelly” at the end of this season. He’s been on TV so long, his wife still slaps the side of his head to stop him from stuttering.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he hasn't made a decision yet on a heart transplant. He can’t decide on what flavor he wants: vanilla or light vanilla.

Dick Cheney says he offered to step aside as vice president multiple times. Usually when he and W. were playing that game where the vice president stands behind the president and says he’ll catch him when he falls backwards.

Sarah Palin says she used the term “blood libel” to refer to people who falsely accused her of having blood on her hands. Then she held up her note-less palms and said they were ink libel too.

A girl in Pennsylvania became an accidental YouTube star after she was caught on a security camera falling into a shopping center fountain while texting. She’s already gotten offers to appear on a new Pennsylvania reality show called Erie Shore.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban announced their second daughter was born last month via surrogate in Nashville. The baby arrived before Keith and Nicole could release their new song, “She’s Having Our Baby.”

University of California-Davis officials are investigating allegations that a professor polled his students on what grade to give a classmate. Not surprisingly, the votes of the football players in the class were divided evenly between “pass,” “run” and “kick.”

The FCC and the Justice Department approved the merger of Comcast, the nation's largest cable and residential Internet provider, with NBC-Universal. The new company will be called We Shall Over-Comcast.

A study of children in Singapore found those who play 20 hours of video games a week are more likely than others to be anxious or depressed. Especially when they point their game controllers out the window and the birds don’t hit any pigs.

The producers of “The Good Wife” asked former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to appear as himself on the show. Rumsfeld turned it down because he’s holding out for the lead in “Jack Bauer – The Later Years.”

Blood liable

2011-01-17T13:07:00.001-06:00

Freddy the cat, who moved into the Sharon, Wisconsin, Village Hall a few summers ago, has been adopted by local residents as their mayor. He’s so popular, they’re afraid someone will steal him next year to be their vice presidential running mate.

Starbucks is bringing out its biggest drink size ever: the 31-ounce “Trenta.” Trent comes from an Italian word that means “Cupholder can also be used as an emergency diaper.”

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is hosting a weeklong “Christian-based” cruise along the Alaskan coast this summer. Sarah Palin says there’s no connection between this and the 400-foot-tall wall she’s building along the coastal side of her house.

A couple in Australia had to be rescued after they tried to float down a flood-swollen river on two inflatable sex dolls, prompting a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are “not recognized flotation devices.” Unless you pay extra for the new Mike and Molly models.

A legendary British cricket umpire is demanding that his hometown to move a statue of him because kids are hanging bras and panties from its outstretched arm and finger. This is another reason why we’ll never see a statue of Tiger Woods.

The CEO of the online coupon provider Groupon apologized to Japanese customers for a New Year's deal gone wrong. He had no idea they’d be so upset when he named the Japanese subsidiary Gloupon.

Undertakers in Vienna, Austria, are planning to use a crematorium to help heat their new headquarters. You don’t want to know what they’re using in the flower beds to scare away the crows.

A vial containing blood drawn from Pope John Paul II shortly before he died will be given to a Polish church as a relic when he’s beatified later this year. The church will be responsible for protecting the relic, or as Sarah Palin calls it, “blood liable.”

There’s a new iPhone app called Oysterpedia that gives information on how to eat 200 different North American oysters. Big deal. It’s just 200 entries that say “don’t chew.”

For those not invited to the royal wedding, a London-based travel company is offering a tour of sites with links to Prince William and his fiancee, Kate Middleton. The tour includes a place where Kate once worked and the place where Wills first figured out he’d never have to.

Dead Critter Country

2010-12-13T16:20:00.000-06:00

Wal-Mart announced the closing of its Moscow office. They found out that even vodka doesn’t make cheap stuff look good.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren has a new boyfriend and is already talking about having his kids. So it looks like Tiger isn’t the only one who celebrates a victory by getting a new club for his bag.

The NFL is reviewing the sideline incident in which Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll was tripped by New York Jets' strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi while covering a punt. Possible punishments include a fine, suspension or being forced to play a game for the Carolina Panthers.

Beginning next year, Ukraine plans to open up the sealed zone around the Chernobyl reactor to tourists. Exhibits at this fun-for-the-whole-family park will include Fantasy-Explanation-Land, No-Tomorrow-Land and Dead Critter Country.

The Las Vegas Strippermobile is back with Santa and his bikini-wearing helpers delivering toys to a local charity. Talk about confusing. Kids who were on the “nice” list had to give their toys back as soon as they looked at the strippers.

The doctor for “Dancing with the Stars” winner Jennifer Grey says the back surgery for her ruptured disc was a complete success. Unfortunately, the doctor for third-place finisher Bristol Palin says he was unable to fix her ruptured virginity.

Miami tax officials ruled that O.J. Simpson is still entitled to a tax exemption on his Florida home while he’s in jail in Nevada. With the deduction, O.J.’s 2010 tax bill is down to a carton of cigarettes and two jugs of rotten-apple wine.

Colleges around the country are offering things like laser tag, petting zoos, karaoke parties and miniature golf to help students deal with pre-exam stress. This is really disappointing for football players who thought those were courses.

A federal judge has ruled that President Obama's health care law is unconstitutional because the government cannot require Americans to purchase insurance. In a rare show of support, future Speaker of the House John Boehner offered the president the use of his crying towel.

In an interview on 60 Minutes, incoming Republican Speaker John Boehner said that he rejects the word “compromise.” He also rejects the words “sunblock,” “nicotine patch” and “crybaby.”

Coffee porn in a cup

2010-11-18T12:09:00.002-06:00

In her new book, Sarah Palin calls contestants on American Idol “talent-deprived” people who suffer from “the cult of self-esteem.” As opposed to “Dancing With The Stars,” where her daughter Bristol who gets votes from the talent-deprived and cult of self-esteem.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says “we all had to bite our tongues” when Levi Johnston criticized her family. That explains why she has so much trouble pronounciating her words.

Eva Longoria filed court papers to divorce basketball star Tony Parker, citing irreconcilable differences. In basketball terms, she wanted to stick with the starting lineup while Tony preferred to bring in a substitute.

Scientists using the supercollider in Geneva claim they’ve created an anti-atom that may help solve what happened to all of the antimatter created by the Big Bang. For those not familiar with the term, evolutionists refer to the stuff from the Big Bang as “antimatter” while creations call it “doesn’t matter.”

The Philadelphia Eagles are going green by adding wind turbines and solar panels to their stadium. They’re hoping this will lower energy costs while messing with opponents’ kickers and shining sun in the eyes of their quarterbacks.

Tea Party darling Sharron Angle said in a recent speech that “sometimes dictators have good ideas.” She later issued a clarification that she was referring to dictators in other countries, not that Socialist Nazi currently running our country.

Chinese officials have put a stop to a new craze where newlywed couples have their wedding pictures taken in the nude. Couples wanting nude wedding pictures must now wait until they leave for the honeymoon and have them taken by airport security scanners.

A woman told Russian airport officials that her daughter was a suicide bomber in an attempt to stop her from flying away to get married. The woman was arrested and charged with making a false terror report and being a mom.

Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is officially the winner of the state’s Senate election, defeating Joe Miller, the candidate endorsed by Sarah Palin. When told the news, Miller became the second person in the country to shoot his television during “Dancing With The Stars.”

A New York coffee shop is offering a 20-ounce beverage with 10 shots of espresso billed as “coffee porn in a cup.” I thought that’s what Chock Full O’Nuts was.

Police in Idaho arrested a woman accused of posing as a plastic surgeon and performing bogus breast exams on women in bars and nightclubs. The women got suspicious when the fake doctor asked them to buy her a brandy so she could measure their breasts with the snifter.

Scientists in Boston say they have developed a laser camera that can “see” around corners and take pictures of things not in its direct line of sight. Proving once again that the inability to talk to women is the real mother of invention.

No wonder only the Republicans understood him

2010-11-04T15:40:00.002-05:00

In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. And he’ll gladly authorize it again, especially if his book isn’t selling as well as Laura’s.

Animal rights activists people in the Czech Republic are upset about a calendar which shows a topless model chopping the head off a pig. The revelation about the shocking photos was a double shock to the millions of guys who never saw the pig.

Doctors in China say a man impaled by 13 metal rods in a construction accident is expected to recover completely. Despite that, he still won’t let his disappointed teenage daughter get her tongue pierced.

Israel is the first country to feature a same-sex duo on its version of “Dancing with the Stars” and the women say they will alternate who gets to lead. Kind of like on the U.S. show when Margaret Cho danced with Louis Van Amstel.

Qantas grounded its Airbus A380 fleet after one of the superjumbo jets blew out an engine and was forced to make an emergency landing in Singapore with 459 people aboard. To give you some idea how scary it was, none of the passengers could fit their airsick bags in the overhead compartments or under the seat in front of them.

A group of children waiting for their morning school bus near Missoula, Montana, Wednesday morning got a shock when they spotted a mountain lion in a field just 200 feet from their stop. The smart kids used the situation as a learning experience and shoved the local bully in front of the lion.

Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. Wow, who knew that Osama bin Laden was hiding in Japan and likes to get Domino’s pizza delivered?

Nancy Pelosi says she has "no regrets" about her time as Speaker of the House. On the other hand, John Boehner doesn’t even have the job yet and he already regrets buying a portable tanning bed before measuring his new office door.

President Obama referred to the midterm election results as a “shellacking,” a term that hasn’t been in everyday use in over 30 years. No wonder only the Republicans understood him.

Fox News says it has no plans to hire defeated Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell. In fact, the only network interested in her is a small cable station looking to do a remake of “Bewitched.”

Most of his words were homonyms

2010-11-02T10:18:00.000-05:00

In his latest book, former president Jimmy Carter blames his own church, the Southern Baptist Convention, for breaking down the separation between church and state. In response, the Southern Baptists blame Carter for breaking down the separation between peanuts and chocolate.

The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. I think it’s called the Westminster Flabby.

Rigby & Peller, the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II, announced a $343,000 loss in profits last year. The loss came after the announcement that it was the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II.

A Swedish man was acquitted of drunk driving after the court couldn’t rule out the possibility that he was sleepwalking. In a related story, Charlie Sheen dyed his hair blonde and changed his name to Sven.

A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Not surprisingly, most of his words were homonyms.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Alabama to Florida was temporarily delayed due to a suspicious white substance that turned out to be foot powder. Flight attendants knew it was foot powder when they noticed the owner was sitting in a row all by himself.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say a group of shadowy figures they call “star whackers” are trying to ruin his career and kill them both. Those aren’t star whackers … they’re other people named Quaid.

A University of Kansas researcher has identified five styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. If you’re still trying to pick someone up at last call, you can add grumpy, sleepy and dopey.

Michael Jackson’s mom, Katherine Jackson, will discuss her son in an interview with Oprah Winfrey next week. Potential audience members are already lining up after hearing a rumor that Oprah will honor Michael’s memory by giving everyone a chimp.

BP PLC announced a third-quarter profit of $1.79 billion. It would have been even higher, but BP executives dropped some bags of money while laughing their way to the bank.

A Los Angeles photographer claims he set a world record by staying awake for 40 days straight. He finally fell asleep when his wife turned on a special on the life of Al Gore.

A whopper of a hangover?

2010-10-29T10:21:00.002-05:00

Sarah Palin says she’s run for president in 2012 if nobody else wants to. That’s the same thing Mark Ballas said on Dancing with the Stars when asked if he’d partner with Brisol Palin.

The Hells Angels are suing Saks Fifth Avenue, Zappos and fashion designer Alexander McQueen for allegedly using their name without permission on a scarf. They found out about it when they got thoudands of membership applications from guys with pink scooters.

A Irish film-maker claims a 1928 Charlie Chaplin film is proof of time travel because it shows a woman walking while talking on what appears to be a cell phone. It looks like the woman was trying to send a signal to the future because she walks past four bars.

A company in Toronto has created a Cheeseburger Cocktail, which contains rum, beef stock, tomatoes and lettuce water. Here’s my question. If you make it a double, does it give you a whopper of a hangover?

A San Francisco marijuana dispensary is offering patients free joints every time the Giants hit a home run during the World Series. That explains the thousands of glaucoma patients outside Barry Bonds’ home begging him to unretire.

The Pizza Express in Manchester, England, is investigating reports that a couple was spotted having sex in one of its restaurants after hours. The pizza chain want to avoid being sued for stealing the plot of half the porn industry’s most popular films.

NASA is conducting feasibility studies on whether astronauts could be sent on permanent, one-way missions to Mars to colonize it. NASA won’t send them to the moon because it can’t afford to pay royalties to the estates of Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows.

A Brazilian court ruled that McDonald's must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds while working there for 12 years. McDonald’s blamed the manager for thinking the phrase “Do you want fries with that?” was actually “Are you going to finish that?”

The Food and Drug Administration has decided not to approve Onexa, a highly-touted experimental diet pill, because it could cause major cardiovascular events. The manufacturer is hoping the FDA will reconsider when it starts putting the pills in bottles with Cheney-proof caps.

Former House Majority Leader Dick Armey claims that President Bill Clinton and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich privately discussed their extramarital affairs with each other over drinks and cigars. Both men deny it, saying only that they were close but no cigar.

Hell's Angelfish

2010-10-28T12:23:00.001-05:00

Many retailers are moving Black Friday, the traditional day-after-Thanksgiving start of the holiday shopping season, to the Friday before Halloween. Sounds like the name should be changed to Bleak Friday.

In a recent interview, Laura Bush said her husband’s favorite iPad app is Scrabble. W can only play for a few minutes before getting a sudden uncontrollable urge for alphabet soup.

The Guinness Book awarded an Angolan man known as the Jaw of Awe the title of world's widest mouth after he shoved a 12-ounce can of soda in it sideways. He’s also under investigation for the mysterious disappearance of a number of dental hygienists.

A British inventor has created a new underwater scooter that allows tourists to explore coral reefs without learning to scuba dive or even swim. Regular reef divers are now complaining about being terrorized by a gang of tattooed scooter riders known as the Hell’s Angelfish.

Police in Boulder say a man apparently shot himself in the knee while sleepwalking. That’s the last time he’ll go straight to bed after watching a mobster movie.

Barry Bonds says he’d like to be a hitting coach someday for the San Francisco Giants. He’s waiting for the Giants to convert a Volkswagen beetle into a batting helmet for him.

The Columbus Zoo sadly reported that the world’s longest snake in captivity has died. In lieu of flowers, zookeepers are asking fans of the 24-foot python to send pallbearers instead.

The United Nations has confirmed that furniture in its New York headquarters is infested with bedbugs. Officials are trying to decide whether to fumigate the building or just move the furniture into the Iranian delegate’s office.

Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell threatened to sue a radio station for posting a video of an interview she gave. She later backed down and threatened to turn the station owner into a frog instead.

The woman who was with Charlie Sheen during his latest drunken tirade has been identified as a 22-year-old porn star who says she’s not a prostitute. Right. She was naked in his room helping him rehearse one of those hilarious shower scenes from “Two-and-a-Half Men.”

The Museum of the Confederacy in Virginia is using x-rays to determine if two Civil War-era toy dolls in its collection were used to smuggle drugs. They got suspicious when they gave the dolls a water-filled bottle and the liquid came out of their noses instead of the other end.

$%#@ Our Former Star Says

2010-10-27T12:39:00.001-05:00

According to the Census Bureau, an estimated 36 million children between ages 5 and 13 put on costumes and went trick-or-treating last Halloween. That number will be higher this year due to trick-or-treating Tea Partiers who act like they’re between the ages of 5 and 13.

A Nevada political action committee caught flak for an automated call that went out to about 50,000 homes at one in the morning. The PAC must now pay for 50,000 broken phones and 50,0000 holes in the wall.

An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. It comes with the world’s smallest Jaws-of-Life to help open the mouths of anyone dumb enough to try and eat the whole thing.

An Australian man was charged with assault after tattooing a 16-inch penis onto his friend's back. The tattooed man knew something was wrong when his hand-shaped backscratcher started growing hair on the palm.

In Germany, a tiger trainer who almost mauled to death by his big cats is getting married and the tigers will serve as his best man and groomsmen. Not surprisingly, the bachelor party will be held at the local Pussycat Club.

Train stations in China are now installing vending machines that dispense live crabs. As if getting live bedbugs from the sleeping cars wasn’t bad enough.

Comedian and “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart is No. 1 on AskMen's Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2010 list, finishing well ahead of No. 21 Barack Obama. Obama would have finished higher, but the web site is called AskMen, not AskMenWhoWillLoseTheirJobsIfHe’sNotReelected.

An original Darth Vader costume from the “Star Wars” movies is up for auction in London. The owner is an anonymous American who says he can’t wear the costume anymore because the metal helmet interferes with his defibrillator and the eyeholes are too small to see the people whose faces he’s trying to shoot.

Karl Rove said in an interview that “45 percent of NPR listeners were Saddam Hussein.” If that’s true, how come 45 percent of the callers to Car Talk didn’t want advice on how to tune-up a camel?

More bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have purchased the rights to the title “$%#@ Our Former Star Says.”

Wokman

2010-10-25T19:03:00.002-05:00

Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. Whatever he did, he’s lucky those voicemails and emails were completed before he started having so many interceptions.

Sony announced that it has ceased production of cassette Walkmans, which were first introduced in 1979. It will still be available in China where it’s known as the Wokman.

Celine Dion gave birth over the weekend to twin boys, so she now has three sons. She already has the kids enrolled in daycare in 2013, preschool in 2015 and opening for her in Vegas in 2016.

Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” Poor Mel wasted over 100 drinking binges getting into character for the role.

Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva was offered $75,000 for a full nude photo shoot in Playboy. Not to be outdone, Mel has been offered a nude shoot in a magazine for hotheads called Ranthouse.

A librarian from Perth, Australia is in the Guinness Book of World Records for collecting the lint from his belly button every day for 26 years. While he doesn’t collect the lint, the record for years of continuous years of navel-gazing belongs to Rush Limbaugh.

Ian Poulter has angered golf fans by posting a video of himself and his children eating Cheerios out of the Ryder Cup. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “What a Ryder’s Cup?”

In France, eleven people jumped out of a second-floor window after seeing a naked man who they mistakenly thought was the devil. If you’re working on your Halloween costume, apparently the devil now has a beer belly, man boobs and a shrinkage problem.

Cabarrus County in North Carolina is set to begin burning processed human waste at its water-treatment plant as early as next year. They’re just waiting for warning signs to post along the highway that read: “Don’t blame the dog or Grandma in the back seat – it’s us.”

A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. Not surprisingly, it also found that Dutch kids with big fingers gravitate to flood control.

Forget the flowers and send bushes instead

2010-10-21T13:55:00.000-05:00

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous.” He was hoping to get a job on Fox News, but they don’t have a need for anyone who tells the truth.

In Reno, Nevada, a five-year-old Maine Coon cat broke the Guinness world record for the world's longest domestic cat after measuring 48.5 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. This cat is so long, it can ignore both its owners and their next-door neighbors at the same time.

Toyota is recalling 1.53 million Lexus, Avalon and other models for brake fluid and fuel pump problems. Things are so bad, all 2011 Toyotas will come with a free postage-paid box to send them back in.

Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione passed away at the age of 79. In his honor, the family is asking mourners to forget the flowers and send bushes instead.

Republican Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell now says she regrets doing the campaign ad in which she declared “I'm not a witch.” It’s not the ad she regrets – it’s not getting doused with a bucket of water at the end.

Some NFL players say the league’s new crackdown on violent hits will ruin the game. These are the same players who were looking forward to making money after retirement by crushing beer cans on their heads at autograph parties.

A federal appeals court froze a judge's order halting the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy after the Pentagon announced it will accept openly gay soldiers. The policy is now called “don’t ask, don’t tell me I have to change the recruiting sign again.”

A former Secret Service agent reveals in his new book that he nearly accidentally shot President Lyndon Johnson when the president stepped outside for some air. Johnson knew he was wrong to step out without letting anyone know, but that didn’t stop him from picking the agent up by his ears.

The Census Bureau reports that 20 percent of the statisticians in the U.S. work for the federal government. The Tea Party reports that the other 99 percent are pollsters for them.

A fisherman in Wisconsin caught a rare 51-inch albino muskie. According to most seafood chefs, the proper way to serve albino muskie is baked with a Moby dip.

A new interpretation of Skull and Bones

2010-10-20T14:19:00.002-05:00

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. Even more exciting, this proves that the world’s oldest knock-knock joke is the one that answers the question: “yodel lady who?”

Anita Hill says she won’t apologize to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas despite a mysterious call from his wife, Virginia. However, Mrs. Thomas will get a thank-you note from PepsiCo for reminding Americans of the image of a pubic hair on a Coke can.

President Obama may skip a trip to a prominent Sikh holy site in India because it could reinforce incorrect rumors that he is a Muslim, not a Christian. He’s so paranoid, he even asked Michelle to blow-dry her hair rather than wrapping her head in a towel.

1968 Playboy Playmate of the Year Angela Dorian was charged with attempted murder after she allegedly shot her boyfriend in their Hollywood apartment. Her lawyer blames the boyfriend, saying she finally snapped after he asked her for the 100th time to get staples tattooed on her stomach.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. Being a typical mother-in-law, the first thing she asked is why the woman didn’t cut off the crusts like she likes them.

A fraternity at Yale University is in trouble for forcing pledges to walk around campus chanting obscenities about necrophilia and anal sex. Must be a new interpretation of Skull and Bones.

In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

Actress Betty White will be the voice of Mrs. Claus in a new animated Christmas special. The 88-year-old White got the job after promising to stick to the script and not improvise anything about licking Santa’s candy cane.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Creationists say this is concrete proof that 6,000 years ago God created the number 13.1 billion.

A woman in Massachusetts was arrested after trying to deposit a fake $10,000 bill at a bank. The woman didn’t help her cause when she asked for her change in $1000 bills.

The largest city ever destroyed by flatulence

2010-10-18T11:41:00.002-05:00

A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds wroth almost $8 million. The phone is so exclusive, it will only allow you to text while driving a Rolls.

A pair of Buddhist monks plan to spend two months crawling 500 miles on their knees while visiting 99 temples in China. It’s like a pub crawl except the monks are able to start praying every morning without a hangover.

Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. The odds on this occurring are 50 million to one, or about the same as her husband getting anywhere near her nine months before 11/11/11.

The Vatican's official newspaper has honored Homer Simpson as a television character who exemplifies the true meaning of being Catholic. Based on that, Catholics are now demanding that the communion wafer wine be re[placed by communion donuts and beer.

An unnamed senior NATO official says Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri are believed to be hiding in houses in northwest Pakistan. If that’s the case, we need to call off the military and let GMAC flush them out with foreclosure notices.

Jilloch, a chimpanzee who appeared in a series of television commercials in England for PG Tips tea, has died at the age of 34. An intelligent chimp who drinks Earl Grey is the main reason why the Tea Party hasn’t caught on in England.

President Obama honored winners of student competitions science, technology, engineering and math in a presentation at the White House. The last time student scientists were at the White House was when George W. Bush invited some kids over to show him that trick with Diet Coke and Mentos.

Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason says the band could get back together soon to play concerts for charity. The first charity is People for the Ethical Treatment of Pigs

A Seattle-area woman attending a court-ordered anger management class was charged with assault after she stabbed another student. Since the victim survived, the woman will get an “incomplete” instead of an “F” for the class.

President Obama is scheduled to appear on an episode of "Mythbusters" on the Discovery Channel. Obama will help determine whether the Greek scientist Archimedes set fire to an invading Roman fleet using only mirrors and the reflected rays of the sun and if that same technique be used to destroy a birth certificate.

Residents of Iztapalapa, Mexico, cooked up a 230-foot-long, almost 1½-ton enchilada to set a new world record. A second record was set later in the day when Iztapalapa became the largest city ever destroyed by flatulence.

Some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training

2010-10-15T14:04:00.000-05:00

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” Then she realized she was reading from the hand she uses for Trig’s bedtime stories.

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino is in trouble for emails he sent with pornographic photos attached. He claims he was hoping to sway the nudist colony vote.

In his upcoming autobiography, Rolling Stone Keith Richards describes Mick Jagger as unbearable but says they still might tour again. Nothing patches up old differences like guitars, groupies and ganja.

The owners of the Boston Red Sox have purchased Liverpool’s soccer club for $476 million. Boy, are they going to be upset when they find out you can’t use a green wall as a goalie.

Paramount Pictures is working on a sequel to the 1986 aviation action flick “Top Gun” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as Maverick. It will be a much smaller role since Sarah Palin and John McCain pretty much took all the fun out of being a maverick.

The man who streaked at an appearance by President Obama in Philadelphia won’t win a $1 million prize because the president didn’t see him. Republicans were quick to criticize Obama, saying this proves he never takes his eyes off of the teleprompter.

Swiss engineers have finished drilling the world’s longest tunnel – a 35.4 mile hole under the Alps. Since part of the drilling was through dirt, the longest hole through solid rock is still Glenn Beck’s ear canal.

A Massachusetts man is facing an assault charge for allegedly hitting a town hall custodian on the back of the head with a roll of toilet paper. The custodian is OK except for an overwhelming urge to run into the woods with a baby bear.

A New Jersey pilot is facing charges for dropping wet toilet paper from his small plane onto an elementary school. None of the kids were hurt, but the preschool teachers say some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training.

Researchers at Oregon Health & Science University say that yoga may benefit people suffering from fibromyalgia, a disease which causes muscle and joint pain, fatigue and sleep disturbance. Unfortunately, yoga can’t help pain in the tongue caused by trying to pronounce “fibromyalgia.”

Turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads

2010-10-15T04:04:00.000-05:00

In an recent interview, Harry Whittington – the lawyer shot in the face by Dick Cheney on a hunting trip – said his injuries were worse than reported and Cheney has never apologized. Cheney claims he tried to apologize once but the little devil on his left shoulder shot the little angel on his right shoulder.

In the latest Delaware Senate debate, Republican Christine O'Donnell could not name a single recent Supreme Court decision she disagreed with. However, she had no trouble naming three spells that turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads.

The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. They all turned down a trip to Disneyland because they’re terrified of the It’s A Small World ride.

Spike TV is said to be working on a mining reality series from the producers of “Deadliest Catch.” I think they should combine it with another reality series and throw the cast of “Jersey Shore” down a hole.

When a 24.6-inch-tall Nepalese teenager turned 18 this week, he was officially declared the world's shortest man by Guinness record officials. He’s so small, his high school class voted him “Most likely to not mind getting stuffed in a locker.”

Rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena is an Elvis Presley fan, so he was thrilled to receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Memphis and a special tour of Graceland. When he was first trapped he was a fan of the fat Elvis, but now he prefers the thin one.

First lady Michelle Obama says she's bringing the arts to the White House to “lift young people up.” Republicans immediately condemned this lifting-up program as a sign the Obama administration hates the elevator industry.

Wal-Mart Stores announced a new program to buy more locally-grown produce. The program starts as soon as they find people who can grow Slim Jims.

Tiger Woodless

2010-10-13T11:21:00.001-05:00

New York’s anti-gay Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino once collected rent from two gay clubs located in buildings he owned in downtown Buffalo. Apparently when it comes to money, Paladino has no aversion to three-dollar bills.

Good news for the rescued Chilean miners. To accommodate all of them, Dancing with the Stars is expanding to 33 contestants.

According to Ancestry.com, President Barack Obama and Sarah Palin are 10th cousins through an ancestor named John Smith. This is a tough one for Tea Partiers. It either means that Obama is an American citizen or Sarah Palin is black.

For the second time since August, an intruder tried to get into the L.A. home of Paris Hilton. Paris was upset until she found out her name hasn’t been in the news since August.

While in Kosovo, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton rode on Bill Clinton Boulevard and posed for pictures in front of an 11-foot gold statue of her husband. Then she made an emergency trip to the Bill Clinton Dental Clinic to have her jaw unclenched.

One member of the two-man team that won a California college fishing championship fished for 10 hours with a fishhook accidentally embedded in his head. Not only did he win a $50,000 prize for his school, he started a new college fashion trend.

One day after separating from David Arquette, Courteney Cox was offered $1 million to become spokeswoman for CougarLife.com, a dating site for older women seeking younger men. In a related story, David Arquette was offered a job as spokesperson for dateanidiot.com.

First lady Michelle Obama is on the campaign trail for the first time since her husband’s 2008 presidential campaign. She’s so popular with Americans, her Secret Service code name is Betty White.

A Chinese man traveling to Expo 2010 Shanghai says he sailed 932 miles on a raft made of plastic bottles. That makes it the first boat in Chinese history that can legally be called a junk.

A transgender woman is suing the LPGA over a requirement which states all competitors must be “female at birth.” She’s hoping to compete under her new name: Tiger Woodless.

Kirstie-o-lantern

2010-10-12T17:01:00.002-05:00

The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. I don’t mind them breaking records, but I’d rather see them go for eating the most poisonous snakes or pounding the most nails in their skulls.

Apple has been granted a trademark for the phrase, “There's an app for that.” Not to be outdone, Microsoft is working to trademark the phrase, “The app is always greener on the other side of the fence.”

In a recent speech, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul brought up Bill Clinton’s indiscretions with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. This was good news for Monica Lewinsky’s publicist, who hasn’t had any luck getting her on “Dancing With The Stars.”

A prison website claims to have a black-and-white full frontal nude photo of the late great Yankee centerfielder, Mickey Mantle. It’s hard to tell for sure If it’s Mantle because he’s being crowded out of the picture by Brett Farve.

An Egyptian court granted a woman a divorce because her husband refused to bathe, claiming he was allergic to water. Lindsey Lohan is planning to use the same defense to explain why she started drinking again.

A Wisconsin man has grown a 1,810.5 pound pumpkin, breaking the world record. It so big, he plans to carve it into a Kirstie-o-lantern.

The 24-year-old man who streaked at President Barack Obama's rally in Philadelphia said he did it in an attempt to win $1 million offered by a British billionaire. President Obama didn’t see the streaker, but it gave him an idea of what to get Barney Frank for his birthday.

Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. The Cherokee phrase texted most often so far is CUST R LOL.

Some Chinese scientists plan to search the mountainous areas of central China for the legendary Chinese version of Bigfoot known as “Yeren” We’ll know if they’re successful when we see the next Chinese national basketball team.

Republican strategist Karl Rove is denying reports that his party gets campaign donations from foreign sources. Looks like he’s still using the world map that he used to teach George W. Bush about geography.

Wal-Mart announced it will start selling Apple's iPad tablet computer in most of its stores in time for Christmas. It’s a special Wal-Mart version of the iPad that doubles as a cutting board and bug swatter.

Oprah calls her Oprah

2010-10-07T13:16:00.001-05:00

The word is out that the “I like it on the …” messages on Facebook are about where women like to leave their purses. Millions of embarrassed naked men are now climbing off the top of the dresser.

Charlie the Smoking Chimp, a mainstay at a South African Zoo, has died at age 52, living ten years longer than the average chimp. Zoo veterinarians attributed Charlie’s long life to staying fit by throwing feces at people who wouldn’t let him bum cigarettes.

The company whose toxic red sludge that burst out of a Hungarian factory's reservoir and flowed to the Danube River claims it’s not harmful. Who knew that BP also stands for Budapest Putridity?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Health reports that a surprising jump in the number of Americans hobbled by arthritis may be due to obesity. This explains the new Extra Light Excedrin.

A Michigan State football fan delayed having a pacemaker installed so he could watch the Spartans play the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday. He’s hoping he doesn’t become a diehard fan.

A judge in San Antonio ruled that nude dancing in gentlemen's clubs in that city is illegal. Even if the dancers yell out “Remember the Ala-ho!”

A Pennsylvania man who hid four ounces of marijuana in the Elmo backpack his son took to school was sentenced to six to 23 months in jail. The boy’s teacher turned the dad in when the kid referred to the character on his backpack as Don’t Bogart Me Elmo.

Former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon, the Republican nominee for U.S. Senate in Connecticut, says she misspoke when she suggested lowering the minimum wage. She meant to say, “Can you smell what the cold heartless candidate is cooking?”

A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and sired more than 160 children died at age 94. Newspaper carriers are being advised to lift with their knees when they deliver copies of the edition with his obituary.

Michelle Obama is number one on Forbes magazine’s list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the world. She’s so powerful, Oprah calls her Oprah.

One-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters

2010-10-06T12:07:00.000-05:00

A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. The cops are now searching for an extremely paranoid proctologist.

Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva said she feared for her life during a fight with him earlier this year. The worst part was the thought of calling 9-1-1 and having to keep re-spelling her name.

Facebook admitted that unspecified site issues caused the site to be slow or unavailable for some of its 500 million users. It was just a coincidence that those people were the ones who posted favorable reviews of “The Social Network.”

A purple potato that is supposedly healthier than white potatoes has gone on sale in England. Brits afraid to try the odd-colored chips with their fish are not impressed that the spuds are recommended by one-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters.

According to a new study, transplant patients who believe in God have a better survival rate than atheists. Both groups are out-survived by transplant patients who believe in malpractice suits.

A Chinese airport in Inner Mongolia was forced to shut down to prevent commercial jets from crashing into what looked like a UFO. Passengers in the air were told that, in the event of an alien abduction, their seat cushions could be used as a probe-blocking device.

An American family attending a circus in the Ukraine recorded a video of lions attacking a lion trainer while the audience watched. They managed to smuggle the video out and are considering an offer from the Detroit NFL franchise to use it as a training film.

Firefighters in East Greenwich, Rhode Island, managed to save the life of an 18-foot Burmese python they found in a burning building. Then they almost killed it when they caught the snake humping their hose.

A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. The dentist is counter-suing since the piece of dental equipment was his finger.

Frito-Lay is getting rid of its 100 percent compostable SunChips bags after customer complaints that the bags were too noisy when handled. This was a real problem at Tea Party rallies where the noise outed SunChip eaters as the too-wussy-to-eat-all-American-potato-chips liberals they really are.

A Swedish hospital has apologized for a Halloween blood drive campaign that scared some people with its slogan: “Give Blood! See Blood!” They borrowed the slogan from the U.S. after a recent highly-successful NRA blood drive.

Police in British Columbia were called to a fundraiser after 150 drunken women started brawling when one stood on a chair and blocked their view of a male stripper. The cops arrested the women for assault and the stripper for doing the Full Mounty.

Reclining barstools

2010-10-04T11:23:00.002-05:00

According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. On the downside, only one percent go with tartar sauce.

A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. To capitalize on this, a number of cocktail lounges are offering reclining barstools.

The first national survey of Americans' sexual behavior since 1994 found 41 different ways people engage in sex. This came as a shock to Christine O’Donnell who is still waiting for her first sex lesson from a missionary.

Doctors are reporting cases of “toasted skin syndrome,” an unusual-looking mottled skin condition caused by spending too many hours with a hot notebook computer on your lap. Not surprisingly, over a million people with this condition have formed a Facebook group.

The FBI and Homeland Security Department say they have no indication that terrorists are targeting U.S. citizens as part of a new threat against Europe. The news came as a disappointment to French waiters.

Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. In a similar announcement, George W. Bush says he’s recovered from his bout with being president and has resumed bugging Laura all day about what’s for dinner.

South Korea retained the title of grand champion for the third straight year at the10th annual World Cyber Games. The winners had to postpone a victory parade through the streets of Seoul because their wrists are still too sore to wave.

In England, an obstacle course race between soccer club mascots got ugly when it was discovered that some clubs secretly replaced the regular mascots with athletic ringers and were actually trying to win. If it works for mascots, maybe the Detroit Lions should try it with the rest of the team.

Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. These injuries are usually accompanied by arm strains caused by throwing the console against the wall.

A popular charity calendar in Austria features farm girls dressed as Marilyn Monroe in Seven Year Itch, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Halle Berry's Catwoman and Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. The local favorite is a farmer’s daughter dressed as the host of a documentary on sheep breeding.

After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. The dancers got suspicious when the undercover officers ran out of dollar bills and tried to stuff their G-strings with donut shop coupons.

According to a new report, China is the world's largest toilet market with nearly 19 million toilets being sold there every year. Many homes have two: the Moo Goo Guy and the Moo Goo Girl models.

A Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster

2010-10-01T12:37:00.002-05:00

A Russian company says it plans to build a four-room hotel in outer space by 2016. It will cost $20 million a night for a regular room and $10 million if you take the room by the ice machine.

A police department in England is raising money by selling bras and panties confiscated from female criminals. Most popular are the ones from prostitutes, least popular are those from women who strangled their lovers with thongs.

The government of Sweden has issued an alert about the threat of a terrorist attack. Swedish citizens are asked to report anyone who is not blonde, doesn’t want a massage or hates meatballs.

Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. To cater to the local clientele, the girls will also wear see-through cheeseheads.

In New Mexico, the Santa Fe City Council updated its indecency ordinance to state that men cannot expose their genitals if they are in “a discernibly turgid state.” If you’re unsure what that means, look at a map of the United States and you’ll see that Florida is not a discernibly turgid state

A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” Funny, I thought food porn was Lady Gaga taking off her meat dress.

According to a new study, some women say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them feel sexier and more feminine. And some men say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster.

The dangers of having sex in a Smart car

2010-09-30T17:23:00.002-05:00

Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. This came as a shock to the pope who says the picture on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel looks nothing like Glenn Beck.

A Chicago-area woman recruited for an internship at Disneyland was told she can wear a Muslim headscarf, but only one designed by Disney. She says that’s OK as long as it doesn’t make her look Goofy.

A Chicago doctor says her invention, an “Emergency Bra” that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks, is now available in B and C cup sizes in red only. She’s currently working on a model for saving entire families called the Dolly Parton.

A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. Germans hate it but an English version of the game is sold out in Nevada.

In Florida, the Cocoa City Council decided to drop plans to ban young people from wearing sagging pants that show their boxers. It’s just another example of underwearwolves who change when exposed to a full moon.

Tour de France champion Alberto Contador claims that a banned substance he tested positive for came from eating bad food. This is the first evidence that the International Cycling Union tests for Denny’s dinners.

Former President Jimmy Carter left a Cleveland hospital where he spent two days recovering from a viral infection. His doctors knew Carter was feeling better when he tried to negotiate a peace settlement between his fellow patients and their insurance companies.

Kroger’s had to pull all of the Chad Ochocinco's Cereal boxes from its shelves because a wrong number on the box led callers to a phone sex hotline. The boxes will be resold under the name Turn Trix.

Fisher-Price is recalling more than 10 million tricycles, toys and high chairs because a protruding plastic ignition key near the seat could cause genital bleeding. Some parents kept the trikes to teach their kids the dangers of having sex in a Smart car.

Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. That’s completely unfair since our own Congress proves that literacy doesn’t make clowns any better at their jobs.

North Korea has released the first official photo of Kim Jong Un, the youngest son and heir apparent of Kim Jong Il. The young man is pretty handsome, so it looks like the government has lifted its ban on Photoshop.

First you need to give some Czechs some checks

2010-09-14T15:11:00.002-05:00

A New York City public information campaign promotes the benefits of breastfeeding by pointing out that it burns 500 calories a day. There’s more about this breastfeeding weight loss program in a new book, “The Titikin Diet.”

It looks like Jennifer Lopez has signed a $12 million contract to be a judge on “American Idol.” Steven Tyler will settle for less as long as there’s a big mattress behind the judges’ stand in case he falls off.

Two senators from Thailand fought each other in a boxing ring set up outside parliament in Bangkok to promote Thai kickboxing. Maybe we can get Republican senators to promote the Second Amendment by setting up dueling matches in front of Congress.

George Michael was sentenced to eight weeks in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. He blamed it on his fear of traffic, or drugging under the influence of driving.

President Obama gave his second back-to-school pep talk with a lot less protests from conservatives than the first one had. The biggest complaint came from teachers who were hoping he’d speak longer so they could sneak out and look for a better job.

Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. She claimed she was a free thinker and thought the sign said “Off-the-Walgreens.”

Members of a church in Anaheim, California, are celebrating its first anniversary by getting tattoos of the red-heart church logo. The pastor will then inspect the location of the tattoo to determine if you paid attention during his sermons.

The Swedish Armed Forces disciplined two non-commissioned officers for dressing in their underwear on duty and flying a flag with a penis on it. The men were recruited under a special program in the Swedish military called “Don’t ask, we’re gay.”

The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Then she boarded a plane and showed how she really felt in every airsick she could find.

Authorities in the Czech Republic have banned Google from taking pictures for its “Street View” mapping feature. If Google had googled “doing business in the Czech Republic,” they would have found out that first you need to give some Czechs some checks.

Works better than a Barry White album

2010-09-13T16:37:00.002-05:00

Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. Newt based this observation on the fact that Obama’s father was from Kenya and the president roots for the Bears when they play the Patriots.

A Georgia farmer is being sued by his county for growing too many vegetables in an area zoned for a smaller amount. It all started when his neighbors called 9-1-1 because their front and back doors were completely blocked by baskets of free zucchini.

A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent plans to accept the award for breaking the record as long as it doesn’t come with a handshake.

Tens of thousands of walruses have come ashore in northwest Alaska because the sea ice they normally rest on has melted. They hadn’t planned to stop in Alaska but they heard Sarah Palin say they were close to Russia.

A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. He received a $25 gift certificate to an Anchorage restaurant and $10 for a recording of the calls that Todd Plain claims works better than a Barry White album.

Oprah kicked off her 25th and final season of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” by giving everyone in the studio audience a free trip to Australia. Once they arrive in the Land Down Under, the audience members will see a couch jump up-and-down on Tom Cruise.

According to a new survey, public restroom users are washing their hands more often than they used to but 23 percent of men don’t wash versus 7 percent of women. Which makes the filthy sinks in men’s restrooms even more of a mystery.

Police in Wisconsin arrested a street musician who was upset when a passerby criticized his music so he bashed him over the head with his guitar. The musician spent the night in jail while his injured guitar gently wept.

Competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut downed 47 burritos in 10 minutes at the New Mexico State Fair in Albuquerque to break the previous record of 33 1/2. The 47 burritos were stuffed with beef, beans and green chile, which explains why Jaws had to be removed from a Porta-Potty using the jaws-of-life.

They have her on display on the hospital refrigerator

2010-09-10T10:51:00.000-05:00

Police in Solingen, Germany, arrested a man who says he likes to take naked walks on railroad tracks because they help relieve stress. Not to mention that walking naked alongside trains makes him feel better about the size of his own caboose.

Madonna's daughter Lourdes is now a freshman at the prestigious LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts in Manhattan. I’m not saying she has a reputation, but LaGuardia’s principal already has detention slips pre-printed with Lourdes’ name on them.

Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. He’ll be earning around $20,000 per snap, or about as much as the guy who makes the heavy-duty fasteners on Dolly Parton’s bras.

Fidel Castro told an American journalist that Cuba's communist economic model doesn't work. That’s because its trade policy with the U.S. is “close but no cigar.”

According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. In rural hospitals, that includes a window overlooking a flock of sheep.

The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning to makers of electronic cigarettes to stop making unproven health claims. One claim is that electronic cigarettes will make you look like a robotic version of Don Draper.

A 10-year-old schoolgirl in Serbia has baffled doctors with her ability to pick up cutlery, coins and other metal objects with the magnet force in her hands. The doctors are so impressed with the little girl, they have her on display on the hospital refrigerator.

Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”

Gene Simmons of KISS will be the keynote speaker at the inaugural American Music Conference in Los Angeles in November. Organizers wanting to avoid any hazard from the microphone have asked Gene for the measurement of his tongue.

Chicago's John Hancock Observatory has announced plans for a 1,000-square-foot skating rink on the 94th floor of the building. Since they can’t get a Zamboni up the elevator, the ice will be scraped by anyone wanting a free frozen margarita.

Sealy Posteriorpedic

2010-09-09T15:43:00.000-05:00

Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. However, they increased the income tax on small men with hard names who can spin flax into gold.

Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned that she was honoring him by wearing velvet underpants.

The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. Not to mention to the vendors selling cod sandwiches.

An Italian mattress company has unveiled a love mattress with heavy-duty springs and special straps for couples to hang on to when in the throes of passion. For those into more kinky positions, try the Sealy Posteriorpedic.

Officials in Bibb County, Georgia, say they’ll consider changing the name of a street called Lustful Court if the residents sign a petition. The name discourages married couples from buying a house there because it’s a dead end.

Las Vegas police arrested a man who walked into a casino with a defibrillator strapped to his chest, claiming it was a bomb. It took the cops a while to find him among the hundreds of other casino patrons wearing defibrillators, oxygen tanks and pacemaker battery packs.

Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. Like begging, pleading and piles of cash.

According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. Especially if they wear tight pants that show how their big flamboyant can move.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady made it to practice after walking away unhurt from a two-car accident. The other driver was cited for reckless driving, failing to yield and roughing the passer.

President Barack Obama says his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel would be a terrific Chicago mayor. However, he won’t be allowed to campaign for dead voters in Chicago until he first gets them to vote in the midterm elections.

A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. Some angry parents want him to put in a screaming children section, but there’s no room for a drive-through window.

According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. What’s worse, lonely people refuse to see any physician other than Doctor McCoy and his tricorder.

A restaurant named Tony’s that serves actual Tonys

2010-09-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

A German toymaker has unveiled a controversial new line of stuffed animals which all have psychiatric illnesses ranging from bipolar disorder to acute depression. It’s hard to believe there’s a market for a Teddy bear who is obsessed with dressing in teddies.

A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. He also dressed the poor orangutan in clothes that were every which way but loose.

A Web site for a Berlin restaurant offering “cannibal” cuisine turned out to be a prank by the German Vegetarian Society. Disappointed cannibals must continue their search for a restaurant named Tony’s that serves actual Tonys.

A Canadian UFO expert says a mysterious object photographed in the sky over rural Manitoba was probably a Chinese flying lantern, which are rice paper globes filled with hot air from a burning candle. The expert could not explain the story of a local farmer who says he was abducted and probed by a tiny Chinese alien with a glowing chopstick.

It’s official – “America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. To prepare to replace Larry, Morgan will spend the rest of the year watching softball games.

Rev. Terry Jones, the Florida church leader planning to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11, says he has received more than 100 death threats. Actually, he said he’s received CXVII death threats since he refuses to use Arabic numerals.

In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, a council member has proposed a public awareness campaign against men who wear their pants so low that their boxer shorts show that she’s calling “Low pants, no chance.” While they support the idea, the campaign slogan is being opposed by the local plumber’s union.

A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. Crows are pulling the popped corn off the ears and eating it in the farmer’s living room while watching “The Birds.”

Dennis Rodman claims he took six women to his bedroom at a Hamptons party and broadcast the orgy on his stereo system to everyone in attendance. Big deal. Listening to an orgy is like looking through the window at the woman next door who runs a phone sex service.

Actor Kelsey Grammer is one of the investors in a new Tea Party network called RightNetwork. In accordance with the Tea Party philosophy, it will only be available through video-on-demand, the Internet and mobile phones so it can never be “blacked”-out.

A new edible underwear shop called Starboxers

2010-09-07T14:07:00.002-05:00

At 27 inches tall, Edward Nino Hernandez of Colombia is the new world's shortest man. He has a healthy sex life as long as he avoids women wearing T-shirts that say “You must be this tall to ride this ride.”

Steven Slater, the former JetBlue flight attendant who cursed a passenger and slid down an emergency exit chute is working on a plea bargain on the charges of reckless endangerment and trespassing. Unfortunately, his character witnesses are hundreds of crying babies he didn’t show in to the overhead compartment.

Skyscraper climber Dan Goodwin was arrested after scaling a 58-story San Francisco high-rise and then unfurling an American flag at the top. His legal fees are being paid by some San Francisco residents in return for letting them use his suction cups for something other than climbing.

Model and former Mrs. Mick Jagger Jerry Hall plans to auction some of her art collection, including a famous portrait that shows her nude when she was eight months pregnant. She offered it to Mick, but he says it doesn’t start him up or give him satisfaction and sticky fingers anymore.

An electronic roadside information sign in Seattle was hacked recently to display the message “eat my shorts.” No one is claiming responsibility, but it inspired a Seattle entrepreneur to open a new edible underwear shop called Starboxers.

British inventor Perry Watkins recently turned his Queen Anne dining table (set with silver) into a 130 mph vehicle and set the record for the world's fastest piece of furniture. It broke the previous record set by George W. Bush during his weekly White House office chair races.

Students at the University of Baltimore can now take an English class focused on zombies, zombie movies and zombie comic books. The class is being held at 7 am so the students will look the part.

A Florida couple arrested for allegedly breaking into a home in Key Largo told police they were looking for a place to “make out.” The woman was charged with criminal mischief while the man was charged with breaking and entering and entering and …

ABC News President David Westin is resigning after 13 years on the job. He knew it was time to go when he heard about his resignation the CBS Evening News.

Peanut-flavored elephant snot

2010-09-05T12:24:00.002-05:00

Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If combining bacteria with wet cement heals cracks, how come there’s so many fractures around Charlie Sheen’s handprints in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater?

Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. He also denied rumors that Demi makes him carry his cameras in a special pocket in the crotch of his pants.

A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. In other words, what you’re born with down under is what you are forever Down Under.

A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Hugh Hefner said if she’d wear six of them, he’d make Betty White a centerfold.

A 51-year-old music executive is suing Sean “P. Diddy” Combs for age discrimination because she was fired after undergoing hip surgery. He’ll be sorry one day when his nickname is “I Wish I Didn’t Have To Get Up So Often To P” Diddy.

A private equity firm made a $4 billion leveraged buyout of Burger King. Burger King is used to dealing with leverage since that’s what it takes to get a lot of its customers out of their chairs.

NASA experts helping Chilean authorities rescue 33 miners trapped underground says they should send the miners nutritional food rather than cigarettes and alcohol. Good idea. When the miners heard their smokes and booze was cut off, they started digging themselves out.

A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” The project is being criticized by John McCain for being wasteful and by the cast of Saturday Night Live for stealing their best material.

The Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building and other New York skyscrapers are turning their lights off at night to keep migrating birds from getting disoriented. Unfortunately, now the building owners are being billed for the cost of cleaning all the bird poop off of the Statue of Liberty.

Researchers in Africa have observed ants crawling up into the trunks of elephants eating leaves off of trees where they live. They’re not sure if the ants are protecting the trees or are just hooked on the taste of peanut-flavored elephant snot.

A psychologist in Indonesia says the 2-year-old boy made famous by an Internet video showing him smoking cigarettes has kicked the habit. Now the kid just sucks his thumb after humping his teddy bear.

Sudden unexpected incineration

2010-09-01T15:37:00.002-05:00

A 50-year-old businessman in Italy missed his ex-girlfriend so much after she dumped him that he paid over $18,000 to have a sex doll made in her image. Tiger Woods considered this but decided he didn’t want his house to look like a female version of the terracotta army.

The day after President Obama declared an end to combat in Iraq, Halliburton announced it was awarded a multi-million dollar contract to start work at the Zubair oil field in Iraq. When he heard the news, Dick Cheney had no one to celebrate with so he shot himself in the face.

A 12-acre California wildfire was started when a golfer trying to hit a ball out of the rough struck his club against a rock and the spark ignited dry grass. He won’t face charges for the fire but the PGA ruled he should have taken a penalty stroke for dropping his flaming ball in a water hazard.

A hiker in Washington state accidentally shot himself in the rear end when he moved his handgun from its holster to his back pocket. The shooting was cheered by fellow hikers who were tired of hearing him sing “The Happy Wanderer.”

An insurance investigator in northeast Arkansas found that a house fire that did $20,000 in damages was caused by the heat of dead plants decomposing in a plastic flowerpot. Unfortunately, their policy was with State Farm, not State Fern.

Conan O'Brien has decided to name his new TBS talk show “Conan.” Internally at TBS, it’s called NAOS – Not Another Old Sitcom.

Proctor & Gamble has taken out a $1 million insurance policy on the hair of its most famous Head & Shoulders spokesperson - Pittsburgh Steelers strong safety Troy Polamalu. If anything happens to Polamalu’s hair during a game, the opposing team will be given a 20-yard penalty and dandruff.

The United States team defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. U.S. players say the Iranians called them names during the game because they hate our free throws.

In New Jersey, a female driver escaped injury when her car caught fire after she tried and failed to flick a still-burning cigarette out her window. She plans to sue Toyota because the fire was caused by sudden unexpected incineration.

On September 1, stores in the Philippines put up holiday decorations to start the world's longest Christmas season. In keeping with her annual tradition, Imelda Marcos hung 10,000 stockings on her fireplace.

Slumdog Messiah

2010-08-31T12:37:00.002-05:00

President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Her dad is now begging her to wait until after the election to reveal to the public that he wars braces on his ears.

Houtong, a rundown former coal mining town in Taiwan, has become a tourist attraction because its stray cat population outnumbers its human population two-to-one. A local barber shop is offering a feline-inspired haircut called the cat-man-doo.

Nik Wallenda, of the famous Flying Wallendas, claims he set a new world record by cycling across a 260-foot high tightrope without a safety net. That’s the highest anyone has been on a bike since the Tour de France banned amphetamines.

A London fashion company has unveiled a little black dress that doubles as a functioning cell phone. The makers are hoping to publicize it on a new cable show called “Sex and the SIM Card.”

A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. His only hope for winning the case is to get a jury of people with sawed-off fingers.

Filmmakers from India are in the Holy Land to shoot the first Bollywood movie on the early life of Jesus. The working title is “Slumdog Messiah” but they’re also considering “Eat Pray Repeat.”

In Arkansas, police arrested six people at a baptism party after shots were fired and a number of people were assaulted. That’s what happens when you put weird Uncle Harold in charge of the holy water fountain.

Bog snorkeling officials in Wales say Dan Morgan may have knocked 8 seconds off the world record for paddling 60 yards of a muddy, water-filled peat trench using flippers only. Michael Phelps was scheduled to compete until he found out it wasn’t bong snorkeling.

Organizers of the 22nd World Kosher Barbecue Championship held at a Memphis synagogue said 42 groups competed in this year's event. It’s so kosher, the only beer served is Hebrewski.

Bristol Palin says she can’t wait to compete on Dancing With The Stars. She has some dancing experience, just not vertically.

Feed-your-head cheese

2010-08-30T12:25:00.002-05:00

A failed bank in Georgia that is a 13,000-foot replica of the White House is being sold by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. The design was inspired by the real White House except for the drive-through deposit window, which was inspired by White House lobbyists.

The Washington Shakespeare Company in Arlington, Virginia, performs selections from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and “Much Ado About Nothing” in Klingon. For true Shakespeare fans who don’t want their friends to know they’re also Trekkies, the theater has a special section with a cloaking device.

Indonesia's volcanic Mount Sinabung, which has been dormant for four centuries, erupted for a second day in a row this week. According to Pat Robertson, this is God’s way of punishing Indonesia for sending us Barack Obama.

A toilet reportedly used by former Beatle John Lennon sold for $18,341 at a Beatles convention in Liverpool. John allegedly blocked the commode while composing an early version of “Eight Days A Week” called “Eight Days Of Wheat.”

Police in Massachusetts arrested a man who received a hollowed-out bologna in the mail that contained $100,000 worth of cocaine. He was also expecting a shipment of LSD in a loaf of feed-your-head cheese.

The owner of a Winn-Dixie grocery in Florida says a store display of a cake decorated with a Confederate flag was in poor judgment. He didn’t do much better when he tried to make it up to his black customers by serving an I Have A Cream cake.

Elijah Williams, a Christian judge in Florida named for an Old Testament prophet, is being forced to respond to anonymous bloggers claiming Elijah is a Muslim name. Wait until they find out that “Ground Zero” was named after an Arabic numeral.

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele is traveling to Guam in September to help raise money for the island's top Republican candidates. If you think Steele can’t sing any lower, half of the candidates are running for student council.

Mort Walker’s Beetle Bailey comic strip turns 60 this week. Walker’s longevity was an inspiration to many young cartoonists and Beetle’s ability to go so long without seeing combat was an inspiration to young George W. Bush.

Raytheon won a $450 million contract to supply our military with small bombs. Only in America does it cost $450 million to do the same thing a guy in Iraq can do with a used remote control and $5 bag of fertilizer.

She's drop-dead gorgeous

2010-08-26T15:47:00.000-05:00

An 18-year-old competitor in the Miss Norfolk beauty pageant in England is in school to become an undertaker. So she’s telling the truth when she says she’s “drop-dead gorgeous.”

The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. That’s a Brady, a Brandy, a heavy and a Hoffy.

Researchers at Stanford University have created a new textile inspired by the feet of geckos that could someday allow humans to climb walls and ceilings like Spiderman. As with most other new inventions, the first industry this is expected to revolutionize is porn.

The Japan Sumo Association is giving its sumo wrestlers iPads because their fingers are too fat to use cell phones. That’s the same reason sumo wrestlers use Ziploc bags instead of condoms.

The results of the Alaska Senate race between race between incumbent Lisa Murkowski and Sarah Palin-backed candidate Joe Miller won’t be known until mail-in votes are counted. So it looks like the race will be decided by absentee ballots and an absentee governor.

NFL owners meeting in Atlanta say they support increasing the regular season from 16 to 18 games. They were hoping to do it this season but Brett Favre already has a date picked for his next retirement party.

Bristol Palin will be a contestant on “'Dancing with the Stars.” Mama Sarah tried to talk out of it after hearing that Tom DeLay already used the “I’m quitting for the good of country” option.

After years of making life miserable for gays and lesbians, former Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman has decided to come out of the closet. A lot of Republicans got suspicious when he slipped up and said his favorite network was La Cages aux Fox.

A shark sighting off the coast of Somerset, Massachusetts, turned out to be a piece of Styrofoam cut into a fin shape, wrapped in gray duct tape and weighted down. No one was more disappointed than the owner of a local Chinese restaurant who had to change his menu to Styrofoam fin soup.

While out campaigning for mayor, Levi Johnston stopped at a Wasilla gun shop and checked out a $2,000 hunting rifle. And to show voters he’s learned his lesson, he didn’t test-fire it until first loading it with blanks.

A couple from bulls asking for the cow’s number

2010-08-25T12:48:00.000-05:00

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. She should use some of the money from the divorce settlement on an eye exam.

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she hasn’t watched a minute of golf since finding out about Tiger Woods cheating on her. So despite being beautiful, rich and famous, she’s just like the rest of us.

Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. At that size, she probably has a hard time wrapping her arms around her two puppies too.

A man in China claims he let the nails on his left hand for 13 years to a length of 14 inches in order to help him control his temper and stay out of fights. Mel Gibson thought about doing that but decided having a violent temper is a small price to pay for being able to pick your nose.

A 35-year-old man in Germany who walked around for five years with a bullet lodged in the back of his head says he thought the headaches were from getting hit with fireworks at a New Year’s Eve party. He should have been a little suspicious when his friends started singing, “Should ammunition be forgot and never brought to mind …”

A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been complaining about a sore elbow.

An elderly couple in Florida decided to practice what they would do if someone broke into their house and during the drill the 72-year-old woman shot her husband. She claimed it was an accident but he thinks it’s because she imagined the intruder was George Clooney.

For the second time in a month, a 3-foot-long alligator was captured swimming in the river in downtown Chicago. Animal experts say the gators would not have survived Chicago’s harsh winter nor Chicagoans with sauerkraut and 3-foot-long buns.

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay wants his money laundering trial moved out of Austin because he says the city is too liberal to give him a fair trial. If he can’t get a change of venue, he wants the judge replaced with fan voting like he got on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He got thousands of angry emails calling for his resignation and a couple from bulls asking for the cow’s number.

Zaytuna College opened this week in Berkeley, California, making it the first accredited, four-year Muslim liberal arts college in the U.S. Locals are protesting because Zaytuna administrators want to build a mosque two blocks from the most sacred ground on a college campus: the football field.

The Streisand of Liberty

2010-08-24T11:55:00.002-05:00

Jimena Navarrete of Guadalajara, Mexico, is the new Miss Universe, finishing ahead of Miss Jamaica and Miss Australia. Miss USA finished last in the congeniality competition when she followed orders from the White House and completely ignored Miss Iraq.

A German skydiver sat in a rubber boat and solved a Rubik's Cube after jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet. He’s in training in case Germany ever invades Candyland.

A New Orleans woman was jailed for ten days after she went to court in low-riding shorts which revealed her underwear. She offered to put on a second pair but the judge ruled that two thongs don’t make it right.

In China, the world’s longest traffic jam stretched 60 miles from Beijing to Inner Mongolia and moved at only 2 miles a day. The world’s second-longest traffic jam was going in the opposite direction caused by rubber-neckers.

A Go Topless Day demonstration in San Francisco consisted of 8 topless women and 14 men wearing bikinis, nipple tape or other breast coverings to promote topless equality. The men left when the women suggested they tie bricks to their chests and complain about backaches.

A survey of sex toy sellers in New York found that sales are up despite the tough economy. Unfortunately, many guys are disappointed to find out the unemployment office doesn’t recognize inflatable wives as dependents.

A New York auction house is selling a 2-foot chunk of copper designed to create part of the State of Liberty's nose during the 1980s restoration. It wasn’t used after a test showed it made her look like the Streisand of Liberty.

According to a recent survey, the American city with the most tattoo shops per 100,000 people is Miami Beach, Florida. Not surprisingly, the most popular tattoo there reads: “If found, please return to the nearest retirement community.”

Woody Allen says he switched to shooting movies in European cities because he can’t afford to shoot in New York anymore. It’s so expensive, if he had to shoot it today, one of his most popular movies would be called Hannah and her Imaginary Sisters.

Tiger and Elin Woods’ divorce hearing in a Florida courtroom took ten minutes. Nine of those minutes were devoted to Tiger’s one last attempt to get full custody of Elin’s cute nanny.

Toyota is offering Japanese drivers an optional electronic humming device on the Prius so pedestrians can hear the hybrid car coming. It also comes with a large swatter-shaped hood ornament to scare off lovesick bees.

Connecting her age spots

2010-08-23T12:55:00.002-05:00

After losing an arm-wrestling match, a South Florida man pulled out a rifle and pressed the barrel against the forehead of the man who beat him. He’s been kicked out of the NRA for violating rule number 7: If you’re already armed, there’s no need to arm-wrestle.

A new interactive web site called Suessville.com has been unveiled to introduce kids to the books of Dr. Suess. If Dr. Suess were alive to see this, his next book would be “Get Away From The Computer And Hop On Pop Until He Reads You A Book Out Loud.”

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich attended a Chicago-area comic book convention and signed autographs for $50 each. He didn’t give any refunds to disappointed kids who thought he was Jughead from the Archie comics.

A 101-year-old woman got her third tattoo in two years, a sunflower on her arm. The tattoo artist came up with the design after connecting her age spots.

A pig wrestling competition at a county fair in northern Montana was canceled after fair officials were unable to catch any wild boars for the event. That’s what happens when you send out pig catchers who’ve been eating too much deep-fried bacon on a stick.

Paul McCartney, Katie Couric, Christie Brinkley and Jimmy Buffett were among the guests at former President Bill Clinton's 64th birthday party in New York. One embarrassing moment occurred when none of the women at the party would help him blow out the candles.

In Southsea, England, a couple returning from their honeymoon found a 7-foot python in their upstairs bathroom. The husband was a little upset when the wife said she thought she recognized the python from her bachelorette party.

The head of the FDA says more egg recalls may be necessary to stop the recent salmonella outbreak. It’s so bad, the suicide hotline reports numerous calls from the Easter Bunny.

“The Switch,” Jennifer Aniston's new movie about artificial insemination, bombed at the box office in its opening weekend. Moviegoers were confused since “The Expendables,” “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Vampires Suck” sound more like titles of films about artificial insemination.

Served in a sack

2010-08-13T11:30:00.002-05:00

A Pennsylvania woman who claims she was groped by Donald Duck while visiting Walt Disney World says the incident caused her to have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, headaches, nausea, cold sweats, insomnia and digestive problems. Not to mention head injuries from jumping up instead of bending down when someone yell’s “Duck!”

A New Zealand man with a photographic memory won the 2010 National Scrabble Championship in Dallas. He’s so obsessed with Scrabble, it takes him hours to eat a bowl of alphabet soup.

Guinness World Records officials say a group of 10,267 people in China broke a 10-year-old record for the world's longest chain of human dominoes. They were waiting in line to buy iPads when the person at the front accidentally pulled instead of pushed the door.

India wants to ban BlackBerries, Google and Skype because it believes they’re threats to security. It also doesn’t want people around the world to find out they can solve their own technical problems by using Blackberries, Google and Skype.

Mike Pompeo, a Republican congressional candidate and RNC committee member, apologized for a tweet that called his opponent a "turban topper" who "could be a muslim, a hindu, a buddhist etc who knows." He had no proof that his opponent was an “etc.”

The annual Testicle Cooking World Championship is being held in Ozrem, Serbia. In honor of the main ingredients, all dishes cooked at the festival are served in a sack.

Unbeknownst to their parents, three Florida children bought tickets with baby-sitting money and flew to Nashville, Tenn., on Southwest Airlines. The kids were really disappointed when they spent all that money and not a single flight attendant went postal.

President Barack Obama signed a $600 million border security bill to hire 1,500 new Border patrol agents and other security officers. That’s $400,000 per agent, so apparently they’ll be armed with nuclear rifles.

New Jersey’s 86-year-old Senator Frank Lautenberg is planning to hold a fundraiser at the Lady Gaga concert. The Democrat hasn’t seen a young woman sing while swinging from the ceiling since his Republican colleagues stopped inviting him to their poker parties.

Doctors in Boston discovered that a spot on a 75-year-old man’s chest X-ray turned out to be a pea sprouting in his lung. Luckily, it was removed by the resident pea-diatrician.

Cath-22

2010-08-12T15:13:00.001-05:00

Italian police were called to a public beach south of Rome after a mother complained that the way a topless sunbather applied her suntan lotion was "troubling" her teenage sons. My guess is that they were troubled because her hands were blocking their view.

Paris Hilton is being sued for $35 million for allegedly wearing hair extensions from someone other than the company that paid her $3.5 million to promote theirs. Paris offered to give back all of the free extensions she got because it looks like company executives have pulled out all of their hair.

General Motors announced it made $1.33 billion in the second quarter. Unfortunately, it all came from one plant that had been converted from Hummers to counterfeit hundreds.

Police in Maryland arrested a man who allegedly squirted semen from a bottle onto as many as five female shoppers at a grocery store. Another reason to avoid grocery store clerks offering free mayonnaise samples.

A restaurant chef in Iowa was fined $335 after health inspectors saw a video of him kissing and licking toads in the kitchen. The chef also fired the employee who told him if he kissed the right toad, it would turn into Rachael Ray.

North Korea has offered to use ginseng to repay nearly $10 million in Cold War-era debt to the Czech republic. Czech leaders weren’t interested until they found out ginseng can be made into beer.

The Roman Catholic Diocese of Madison, Wisconsin, now offers birth control coverage to employees, but employees could be fired if they use it. This is known as a Cath-22.

A suburban Pittsburgh man who dresses as a dog for conventions and parties has petitioned to change his legal name to Boomer the Dog. His wife was all for it until she found out local laws would require her to carry a scooper at all times.

In Minnesota, four police cars were needed to chase down and arrest the driver of a homemade go-cart who was on the road illegally. Even though he was only going 20 miles an hour in the little car, he didn’t have his fez on.

Police in Idaho seized about 100 marijuana plants from a corn field at a residential farm. They were tipped off by a green giant who was acting more giggly than jolly.

Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle, says President Obama is “the worst president in history.” Like father, like son. He spelled “wurst” with a U so he’s actually calling Obama our country’s finest sausage lover.

Unemployediacs

2010-08-10T12:22:00.002-05:00

A group of European scientists has developed the world’s first emotional robot that has the emotional skills of a one-year-old child. So far, the only market for a robot that acts like a one-year-old is as a birth control device.

The UK Automobile Association reports that over 17 accidents per day in the UK are caused by “iPod Oblivion,” where drivers are distracted by what’s playing on their iPods. The most common accident occurs when a song about an American car is playing and they automatically drift over to the right side of the road.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital following surgery last month to install a battery-operated pump in his heart. For the first time in his life, Cheney is more worried about D cells than sleeper cells.

In China, a man who had the world's biggest man boobs finally had an operation to remove the football-sized breasts. Although he was happy to be rid of the breasts, he was disappointed to suddenly discover that he has big feet.

Steven Slater, the flight attendant who lost after a passenger refused to sit down and then exited the plane via the emergency inflatable slide, is getting support from other people who have been victims of rude customers. One of his first calls was from President Obama who asked him to sit next to Joe Wilson at the next State of the Union address.

Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, and the campaign and election will be turned into a reality show. Then he’ll speak at a quantum physics conference on how he managed to turn 15 minutes into 3 years.

A&E is set to broadcast a reality series that will follow actor Tony Danza as he teaches a 10th-grade English class in Philadelphia. Then it will follow 11th-grade students as they try to convince job interviewers that English really is their first language.

Michigan's gubernatorial nominees from both parties said they will both push to change the nickname of state residents from "Michiganian" to "Michigander." Both are preferred over the other popular nickname: “Unemployediacs.”

A man in England lost his drivers license for three years because of a speeding violation even though he claimed he couldn’t read the speedometer because he’s dyslexic. It would have been more believable if hadn’t been doing 55.

A new study found that American girls are beginning puberty at as early as age 7. It’s so bad, pediatricians report that some younger girls are blaming the Terrible Twos on PMS.

She was spotted at a pond kissing frogs

2010-08-09T13:32:00.002-05:00

At the Adventure Island amusement park in England, 102 people rode the Green Scream rollercoaster naked to break the world record. A number of the women lined up for a second ride when they found out what happens when G-force meets G-spot.

Turkish Airlines has grounded 28 flight attendants for being overweight and given them six months to lose some pounds. Wouldn’t it be faster to let them stay on the job and eat nothing but airline meals?

A Michigan restaurant owner says he’s offering a world record 185.8-pound burger for $499 out of patriotism because the previous record was held by a restaurant in Thailand. Nothing says “USA!” like “CPR!”

A vendor at Toronto's 16th annual Festival of Beer was selling a hemp beer called Millennium Beer Buzz. They also sold Depends for drinkers too stoned to get up and go to the rest rooms.

The New Orleans Saints visited President Obama at the White House to mark their Super Bowl XLIV victory. In honor of both last season and this season, the New Orleans players gave him a game ball and a tar ball.

A woman in North Carolina filed a lawsuit accusing “American Idol” Fantasia of breaking up a marriage and making a sex tape with the husband. The woman didn’t say what was on the tape but rumor has it Fantasia was singing “Hummertime … and the living is easy.”

A former model on the "Price is Right" filed a lawsuit accusing host Bob Barker of running her out of a job after she became pregnant. She should have known that Barker was serious when he lectured her about spaying and neutering.

A financial adviser told Britain's royal family that Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson may have to file for bankruptcy because she’s $7.9 million in debt. Ferguson is so desperate, she was spotted at a pond kissing frogs.

Rod Stewart announced he’s becoming a father again for the seventh time at age 65. Rod’s biggest mistake was when Maggie May convinced he needed to start dating much younger women instead of much older women.

A group of Hong Kong filmmakers have started shooting what they claim will be the world's first 3D pornographic film, titled “3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy.” It’s not really Zen because, in porn, everyone knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo

2010-08-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

Elena Kagan is relieved to finally become a Supreme Court justice. Today someone asked her what she thought of the weather and, for the first time in months, she was allowed to have an opinion.

A restaurant in China recruited a new chef by inviting applicants to slice a melon on a woman's stomach. They got the idea from a chef who worked in the Clinton White House.

The staff at an aquarium in England had to put a bikini on an underwater statue of a mermaid because male visitors were spending too much time in front of the window. Now they’re spending too much time at the next window trying to get the octopus to pull it off.

A Turkish man living in New Zealand tried to convince police that he wasn’t beating his wife but was actually performing a traditional dance that involved hitting, kicking and strangling. The wife is waiting for him to get out of jail so she can show him a new dance her feminist friends taught her called the Bristol Stomp.

Senator Al Franken apologized to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell for allegedly making faces while McConnell was speaking on the Senate floor. McConnell was upset because Franken stole the idea from the Republicans’ plan for Obama’s next State of the Union address.

Rosie O'Donnell will host a new daytime talk show on OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. It will be similar to Rosie’s old daytime talk show but without all of those annoying viewers.

According to British Ministry of Defense documents, British fighter jets were scrambled more than 200 times each year during the Cold War to investigate UFO reports. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the UFOs the British were chasing away were actually Martian dentists on a mission of mercy?

In Pennsylvania, the operator of a Catholic church carnival that featured an image of President Barack Obama as the target of a shooting game issued an apology. That apparently wasn’t enough since the church announced he’s being transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo.

BP COO Doug Settles says the company might someday drill again into the same pocket of oil that spilled millions of gallons into the Gulf of Mexico. An excited Sarah Palin called him up to say, “Drill, maybe, drill!”

Police in Florida are investigating a report of someone putting condoms in the gas tank of a woman's car. As expected, the condoms caused the car to run rough but the woman didn’t feel anything.

Lamb Hops

2010-08-04T14:19:00.001-05:00

The U.S. Marshals Service admitted it has saved 35,000 TSA airport body scan images that make passengers appear nude. What’s really interesting is that you can put the photos in a certain order and flip through them and it looks exactly like a porn video starring Laurence Fishburne’s daughter.

A farmer in China has a two-month-old lamb born with only two legs that can stand up and get around the farm. What do you call a baby sheep with only two legs? Lamb Hops.

Aerosmith's Joe Perry is upset that he found out about Steven Tyler possibly becoming an "American Idol" judge on the Internet like everybody else. It’s not like the old days when Tyler the bandmates gave each other news by writing it in vomit on the bathroom floor.

A Michigan man whose dog chewed off his big toe while he was passed out drunk says the pooch saved his life because doctors in the ER discovered he was diabetic. To show his appreciation, he plans to get the dog drunk and use the same technique to neuter him.

Robert Van Winkle, better known as the rapper Vanilla Ice, will star in a new home-improvement series called “The Vanilla Ice Project.” It’s an appropriate name because his rap career tanked in the 90s and now he’s living in the projects.

Irish-born actor Liam Neeson says he’s too old to play President Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg's upcoming film on Lincoln. Tom Cruise wants to replace him, but only if he can wear stilts and call the movie “Top Hat.”

BP claimed the “static kill” technique used on its blown-out well in the Gulf has plugged the leak. That’s good news for BP and better news for a fabric softener company that was planning to name its new product “Static Kill.”

Iran's official news agency says an explosion near President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's convoy was just an excited fan setting off fireworks, not an assassination attempt. It also reported that the stain on Ahmadinejad's pants was lemonade.

Two California women were charged with misdemeanors for a fight that turned into a brawl at a kindergarten graduation ceremony. It all started when the moms disagreed on which of their kids should be named nap-edictorian.

A Pennsylvania woman is in trouble for illegally accepting workers' compensation payments while working as a stripper. She thought it was OK because she only allowed guys to fill her g-string with food stamps.

I told you I felt flushed

2010-08-03T12:55:00.002-05:00

Morrie Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles, passed away at the age of 90. His last words were: “All right! St. Peter has orange fingers!”

A woman in Taiwan set a world record for killing mosquitoes by swatting four million in one month. That makes her the only woman with more bloody imprints on her hand than Sarah Palin.

HarperCollins will publish the official illustrated memoir of 16-year-old singer Justin Bieber. Publishing industry experts say it could have the largest first-printing ever for a pamphlet.

Police in New Jersey were looking for a young black bear seen wandering along a stream near the Knickerbocker Country Club golf course. They warned duffers that the bear was a golf fan and was looking to put a hole in one.

Canada's Royal College of Dentistry has hired an investigator to check reports of illegal dental clinics being run from basements and bedrooms. You know you’re in an illegal clinic when you ask for a painkiller and the dentist offers your choice of a bullet, a shot of whiskey or a left hook to the chin.

The actor who played the Ty-D-Bol man in commercials has passed away. Per his request, his tombstone will read, “I told you I felt flushed.”

Charlie Sheen pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 3 months probation and 36 hours of domestic violence counseling. Or as Mel Gibson calls it, summer vacation.

LeBron James showed appreciation to his hometown fans with a full-page newspaper ad in the Akron Beacon Journal. Akron is the rubber capitol, which seems appropriate since fans in Cleveland now consider LeBron to be something often covered with a rubber.

"Glee" co-creator Ryan Murphy says Paul McCartney is a fan of the show and wants his music to be featured in an episode. McCartney won’t appear on the show because the evil bossy cheerleader coach reminds him too much of Heather Mill’s

Brett Favre has informed the Vikings he will not return to Minnesota for a second season. Apparently the team officials refused to honor his request to have the bench equipped with handrails.

Nevada Republican Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite Sharron Angle says she thinks the media should “ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.” This woman should apologize to softballs for giving them a bad name.

Her dad’s cigar propositions

2010-08-02T11:45:00.002-05:00

In Brazil, Unilever is putting a GPS device in boxes of Omo detergent to track shoppers. The location of customers will then be sent to Unilever employees who will show up in the middle of the night with hoses and turn their yards into mud pits.

Lindsay Lohan was released from jail after serving just 13 days of her three-month sentence. She said it was the longest thirteen days of her life … so apparently jailhouse cigarettes made from toilet paper and tea bags aren’t like the real thing.

Chelsea Clinton and Marc Mezvinsky hosted a Sunday brunch for their guests the day after their wedding. This was planned ahead of time in case Chelsea had to apologize to any of her bridesmaids for her dad’s cigar propositions.

Sarah Palin says President Obama doesn't have the “cojones” to secure the U.S. borders. “Cojones” is the Spanish word for testicles, so Palin was either showing off her language skills or got lucky with a new word she made up when her hand got smeared.

A British-led team too 43 days to row across the North Atlantic, breaking a 114-year-old world record by 12 days. The toughest part was when the four-man crew got into a fight over whether to sing “Row, row, row your boat” straight or as a round.

A British auction house is selling an upright piano London's Abbey Road Studios used by The Beatles on “Paperback Writer” and “Tomorrow Never Knows.” The piano is covered with coffee stains and cigarette burns, which were apparently strategically placed there by one band member to cover up carvings that said “Ringo sucks.”

The Obama administration is using Andy Griffith to help sell seniors on Medicare provisions in the healthcare reform law. Andy will share stories on how he wished he had Medicare when Floyd the barber cut his ear or he burned his tongue on Aunt Bea’s hot apple pie.

An Ohio Red Cross chapter is offering people who give a pint of blood the chance to win a car or a horse-drawn buggy if they’re Amish. You can tell things are changing in Amish country because many of them asked if they could bring their own horse and pull the car instead.

Fox News Channel has been given a front-row seat in the White House briefing room that opened up after Helen Thomas retired. Now Fox has to find a correspondent who can actually stay awake during an Obama press conference.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is still in the hospital after heart surgery in early July. He’s waiting for visit from a specialist from Detroit who developed the Chevy Volt.

On November 8, NBC's Matt Lauer will conduct the first one-on-one TV interview with George W. Bush since Bush left the Oval Office in 2009. Bush will be promoting his new book, so announcing the interview now will give him plenty of time to read it.

Bravehonk

2010-07-30T14:44:00.000-05:00

A park in England has given up on finding a mate for a male swan after it allegedly killed two wives and forced another to leave. Mel Gibson is planning to do a movie about the swan called “Bravehonk.”

A woman being chased by Cincinnati police for speeding stopped at all the red lights before she was finally caught. It was the first televised police chase suitable for all audiences.

A woman in South Carolina took her car to the shop because it kept stalling and found out there was a cheeseburger in the gas tank. The bill came to $1000 minus two bucks for the cheeseburger which the mechanic said was just a little greasy.

In Washington state, a woman called 911 after she was locked in an acupuncture clinic after the workers apparently forgot about her and locked her in the office. She’s fine now but until the police got there she was on pins and needles.

The Black Eyed Peas tune “I Gotta Feeling” has become the first song to reach the 6 million mark in digital downloads. That’s not counting another 6 million who don’t need to download it because the song is permanently stuck in their heads.

The latest rumor is that Bristol Palin may call off the wedding because her fiance Levi Johnston may have impregnated his ex-girlfriend while he and Bristol were apart. An attorney for Levi has advised his client to not talk to the media and to avoid walking around Wasilla in a moose costume.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer says the company is working with Intel and computer makers to make tablet touch-screen computers. Bill Gates is not involved in the development except to say it need to be strong enough to not break apart when he uses it to smash an iPad.

Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for appearing on “The View” but not taking time to visit the US-Mexico border. On the other hand, Sarah plans to visit the US-Mexico border even though she can see it just fine from her front porch.

It looks like Jennifer Lopez will replace Ellen DeGeneres as a judge on “American Idol.” Music industry experts are comparing this to when the Beatles went from having no drummer to hiring Pete Best.

Brazilian supermodel Lea T announced he’s getting a male-to-female sex change operation. For Lea T, the biggest lifestyle change in going from a male to a female supermodel is going from eating one Slim Jim to one celery stalk a day.

No paintings of birds playing poker

2010-07-29T12:35:00.002-05:00

Goldman Sachs has banned the use of profanities in employee emails. The only exception is a “holy f***” when expressing joy and gratitude over your bonus.

Feminists in Austria are calling for a ban on a beer ad that features three topless women holding glasses of ale that match their hair colors. The beer company is willing to consider it if the feminists promise they’ll drink something called “bald ale.”

Congress is considering lifting the ban on Internet gambling as a way to generate new tax revenues. Republicans are especially interested in a new online poker game based on recent immigration laws called Arizona Holds-Em.

Eighty-nine-year-old Carol Channing is on the road promoting her latest CD, a collection of childhood favorites her father taught her. Her agent advised the white-haired singer to avoid appearing in a white pantsuit with white fuzzy slippers because it makes her like a giant Q-tip.

William Baldwin will have a recurring role during the second season of the series “Parenthood.” His character’s main job is to turn off the TV whenever “30 Rock” comes on.

Officials in Kansas City, Missouri, are suspending a fabric canopy under a highway to stop pigeon droppings from falling on a street in the arts district. Apparently the pigeons are upset because the arts district has no paintings of birds playing poker.

A judge in New York threw out a summons issued to a man wearing low-slung pants that exposed his underwear, saying that saggy pants is foolish but legal. However, the judge still fined the man for putting the song “Pants on the Ground” in his head for the rest of the day.

A partial set of dentures used by former British leader Winston Churchill sold at auction for $23,723. You can tell they’re Churchill’s because they start snapping when placed next to a bratwurst.

Former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman says he’ll be on “Dancing with the Stars” next season. This show has now featured more former NFL players than “America’s Most Wanted” and “Celebrity Rehab.”

Ousted Agriculture Department employee Shirley Sherrod says she’s suing conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart for posting an edited video of her. Breitbart immediately cut up the announcement and rearranged the letters to show that Sherrod was actually calling him an N-word.

Stardust Mammaries

2010-07-28T13:19:00.003-05:00

Slovenian police arrested a computer hacker suspected of creating the Mariposa botnet, a malicious software code that infected 12 million computers worldwide. He should have know it would be a bad day when he found out all of his Star Trek shirts were dirty except for the red one.

Mocienne Petit Jackson is claiming she’s the love child of Michael Jackson and Diana Ross’ sister and wants part of his estate and custody of his kids. No word from the Jacksons but Diana Ross says there ain’t no mountain of evidence high enough.

A 56-year-old woman took 28 hours and 44 minutes to get from Dover to Calais to become the slowest person ever to swim the English Channel. Not surprisingly, the first thing she wanted when she got to France was a plate of escargot.

Austrian brewers claim they’ve invented a beer laced with cheese that improves a drinker' sexual performance. It’s expected to be available in the U.S. soon under the name Pabst Blue Cheesin’.

A hotel in Tokyo has a special room for model train fanatics that comes with a fully functioning model railroad system. Not surprisingly, the room has only a single bed.

In Israel, a married Palestinian man was given an 18 month jail sentence for having sex with a Jewish woman after lying to her that he was Jewish, single and interested in a relationship. This could severely damage Israel’s support from Republican politicians.

The Chestatee Wildlife Preserve in Dahlonega, Georgia, is home to a baby zedonk, a cross between a zebra father and donkey mother. I thought a donkey that changed its stripes was called a Blue Dog Democrat.

The Cincinnati Bengals have signed wide receiver Terrell Owens to play with his friend and fellow wide receiver Chad Ochocinco. With their egos, the Bengals could be the first NFL team to have one player tackle his own teammate for catching a ball.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he’ll jail immigration protesters when Arizona’s new immigration law takes effect. And to be on the safe side, he also plans to jail any radio DJ who plays Eric Clapton singing “I Shot The Sheriff.”

France's first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy is making her debut as an actress in a Woody Allen movie being shot in Paris. Based on the shots he took of Carla, Woody plans to call the movie “Stardust Mammaries.”

The buck stops here

2010-07-27T11:32:00.002-05:00

A man watching a cricket match in England was hit by a 3-inch meteor that bounced off the ground and struck him in the chest. Not wanting to leave his expensive seat, he treated the meteorite bruise himself by rubbing it with some Comet.

After he’s replaced by American Robert Dudley on Oct. 1., BP CEO Tony Hayward will be reassigned to a project in Russia. If he thought Americans overreacted when he spilled some oil, he’d better not spill any Russian vodka.

An Iowa teenager has been nicknamed "The Deer Magnet" after she hit five deer with her car in the past year. To warn deer, her car now has a front bumper sticker that reads : “The buck stops here.”

NBC has finally confirmed that Steve Carell will leave “The Office” after this " star has consistently told NBC he's leaving after this coming season and that the show will go on without him. “The Office” without Michael Scott should be called “The office I hate going to every day.”

The Japanese government reports that Japanese women have a life expectancy of almost 86 1/2 years, topping the world longevity ratings for the 25th straight year. They’d live even longer but they eventually have poor eyesight and become prone to chopstick accidents.

A new reality show on MTV called “If You Really Knew Me” will attempt to help teens look past high school stereotypes. The biggest budget item on the show is for underwear ruined by wedgies.

Police in Missouri arrested a home invader after the homeowner fought him off with a railroad spike. The homeowner wants the intruder to be sentenced to community service where he’ll have to work on the railroad all the livelong day.

Kentucky Fried Christian

2010-07-26T11:02:00.002-05:00

A scientific reconstruction of one of the oldest sets of human remains found in the Americas has resulted in the image of a woman who appears to have migrated all the way from southeastern Asia. It looks like she came for the same reason many woman migrated here … the search for shorter lines outside the ladies bathroom cave.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says he met with the Russian spies who were expelled from the U.S., promised them good jobs in their homeland and joined them in singing an unofficial KGB anthem. Having been in America so long, most of the spies thought the song was “Back in the USSR.”

In Colorado, a bear climbed into an unlocked Corolla and took it for a joyride before crashing in a thicket. The poor bear had to be tranquilized when he found out he was in a Toyota.

A man in China claims his 22-year-old chicken is a world record and the hen would be 400 in human years. That explains the resemblance to Joan Rivers.

A man in England claims his pet chicken that survived a fox attack now has the face of Jesus on its feathers, so he named it Gloria after Gloria Gaynor's song “I Will Survive.” The chicken is just happy it didn’t get named KFC – Kentucky Fried Christian.

In China, a man claiming to be addicted to eating light bulbs says he’s consumed over a thousand and that the addiction caused his wife to divorce him. It wasn’t the eating so much as it was the shredded chairs every time he passed gas.

Residents of the English town of Shitterton have stopped thieves from stealing the town’s welcome sign by carving its name on a one-ton boulder. If no one can take a Shitterton, shouldn’t the town now be called Constipation?

An 80-year-old Georgia man found $4,800 worth of pot inside the picture frame of a painting he was planning to sell. He should have suspected something when the eyes on the velvet Elvis got bigger while he was watching “Weeds.”

Police in Swissville, Pennsylvania, arrest a man who robbed a bank while wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants. He’ll be charged with robbery and impersonating golfer John Daly.

Police in Jordan arrested an animal rights activist who covered herself in lettuce to promote vegetarianism. Everything was fine until the wind blew and revealed that the salad had no dressing.

Hairy Montag

2010-07-23T14:45:00.002-05:00

A former General Motors engineer and her husband are accused of conspiring to steal trade secrets about hybrid technology and use the information to make private deals with Chinese car companies. Company officials got suspicious when they heard about a Chinese hybrid called the Moo Goo Gee Em.

Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry saves about $500,000 in state taxes by docking his family's new $7 million yacht in neighboring Rhode Island. This news story was uncovered by the Swift Yacht Veterans for Truth.

In China, a man known as Hairy Man because his body is covered in thick black hair is having plastic surgery on his big nose because he thinks it cost him the lead on a TV show called “The Monkey King.” If it works, he plans to change his name to Hairy Montag.

BP removed another photoshopped Gulf of Mexico oil disaster picture from its Web site. It wasn’t hard to spot … it showed pelicans happily scrubbing each other’s backs while singing “Rub-a-dub-dub.”

A company in India unveiled the prototype of a $35 basic touchscreen tablet computer to compete with Apple’s iPad. They’re able to keep the price that low because phoning for service is a local call.

A whistleblower claims that Northwest Airlines violated more than 1,000 federal safety directives in 2008. Not surprisingly, when he flew to Washington to make his report he was in the middle seat of the last row.

The Miss America Pageant will celebrate its 90th anniversary on January 15, 2011, at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. This is the perfect location since many of the contestants think Hollywood is a planet.

More bad news for Charles Rangel. Andrew Breitbart just found out that he’s black.

CBS announced that Justin Bieber will guest star in the upcoming season of "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation." The CSI team will be sent to one of Justin’s concerts to investigate reports by a number of people over 40 that his success is a crime.

Old English sheepdawgs

2010-07-22T10:49:00.002-05:00

Astronomers studying 12-mile-wide snowballs forming in Saturn’s rings say they may give clues to the creation of planets in the early solar system. Creationists say this just proves God has a corncob pipe, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal.

According to a new survey, whites in the U.S. increased their alcohol consumption from 1992 to 2002 while blacks and Hispanics did not. Further proof that the Tea Party is misnamed.

The woman who is the cell next to Lindsay Lohan is linked to a group that burglarized Lindsay’s home last year. To show there’s no hard feelings, Lohan told the woman to call her up when she gets out and she’ll give her the address of her lawyer’s house.

A Utah man is accused of violating a protective order because he allegedly sent letters to his estranged wife's cat. What’s worse, he told the cat it was OK to use his wife’s bed as a litter box.

House Minority Leader John Boehner says three of his brothers lost their jobs during the recession and he doesn’t know if they’re still unemployed. Coincidentally, they’ve been watching C-SPAN and they’re not sure if he’s working either.

The stone penis on a nude statue of an angel at a German fashion designer’s gravesite has disappeared. That’s what I call taking the ‘rub’ out of cherub.

Police in North Carolina arrested a man who allegedly loaded his gun with a wad of toilet paper and shot his wife in the back. Neighbors were shocked, although they should have suspected something since most described the man as being “charmin’.”

Singer and actor Chris Isaak has met with Fox twice about replacing Simon Cowell as a judge on “American Idol.” In order to not violate the unwritten rule that one judge on talent shows must be or at least act British, Randy Jackson may be forced to refer to contestants as “Old English sheepdawgs.”

Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III, won a charity boxing match against Ken “The Carnivore” Cunningham. Using his father’s advice, Gore knocked his opponent out by pinning him against the ropes and explaining global warming.

Holy Acrimony

2010-07-21T10:47:00.002-05:00

To celebrate the release of “Toy Story 3,” a man in England legally changed his name to Buzz Lightyear. To celebrate his decision, his girlfriend changed her name to “I’m With Stupid.”

In China, a 12-year-old boy born with 12 fingers and 12 toes has decided to keep the extra digits because they’re fully functional. Not to mention he just secured the worldwide rights to the expression, “Give me a high-six!”

A 600-pound New Jersey woman has been declared the Fattest Woman to Have Given Birth by Guinness World Records. She says thousands of people pay $15 a month for pictures of her doing housework in her underwear, which means she’s in contact with more than two big boobs.

In Vienna, a Catholic church undergoing renovations is in trouble with the local bishop for advertising a used confessional as a one-person sauna. What’s the big deal? If it’s a confessional, tens of thousands have already sweat in it.

Police in South Carolina arrested a woman who allegedly stuffed a McDonald's sandwich into her pants and then complained that she never received it. She was able to post bail using the money that three creepy guys paid her for the sandwich.

According to the Coast Guard, the 5,600 vessels taking part in the oil spill operation on the Gulf of Mexico make up the largest fleet assembled since the Allied invasion of Normandy. The big difference is that at Normandy the British were on OUR side.

Scientists in London have discovered the most massive star ever seen. They’ve received congratulatory notes from astronomers around the world and a thank-you note from the previous first-place winner, Kirstie Alley.

Authorities in Russia are may file animal cruelty charges against a group that flew a donkey in a parasail over a beach in southern Russia. The owners of the donkey must also turn over their unfinished movie, “Up, Up and A-Bray!”

The Oakland City Council is considering a plan to license four farms where medical marijuana would be grown, packaged and processed. We finally have the answer to the musical question, “How ya gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen Paree?”

Newly-engaged Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are reportedly shopping a reality show about their relationship. Proving the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Bristol says the show will end when she and Levi reach holy acrimony.

Ignoring our own planet America

2010-07-19T10:19:00.002-05:00

President Obama is hosting Mercury astronaut John Glenn and the Phoenix Mercury women's basketball team at the White House on the same day. Sarah Palin immediately denounced the meeting as showing favoritism to minority planets like Mercury while ignoring our own planet America.

Zsa Zsa Gabor had surgery to replace the hip she broke when she fell out of bed in her Bel Air home. Her doctor knew the operation was a success when she asked him if he’d like to be husband number 10.

Eighteen-year-old Filipino singer Charice Pempengco had Botox injections and an anti-aging skin tightening treatment to make her face narrower for her debut on the hit show “Glee.” Or as she now pronounces it, “Gluh.”

Sarah Palin defended her invention of the word “refudiate” by pointing out that William Shakespeare “liked to coin new words too.” Shakespeare also invented the character Puck, but that doesn’t mean we want our leaders to act like one.

In Bosnia, a man whose house has been hit six times by meteorites claims aliens are targeting him. He claims he has no idea why the aliens are stoning him and denied reports he had an affair with a Martian.

A poster showing Pamela Anderson in a string bikini with her body covered in butcher's labels such as "rump", "ribs" and "breast" has been condemned by the Canadian government as being sexist. Pam had the labels painted on during her appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” to keep track of how many points she got when her partner held her in each spot.

A food bank in Clearwater, Florida, distributed a can labeled as a "superfood" that turned out to be a can of dog food. This apparently isn’t the first time this has happened based on the long line of people outside the food bank waiting to use the fire hydrant.

The Tea Party has separated itself from the Tea Party Express and fired its leader, Mark Williams, over Williams’ satirical letter from “Colored People” to Abraham Lincoln. The Tea Party plans to fight all charges of it being racist and has retained the law firm of Little, Black, and Sambo.

Experts in Italy are baffled by a three-year-old boy who reads newspapers, operates the family's television remote and even gives medical advice. You know you’ve got a bad health care provider when a kid with an Operation game makes more sense.

When asked for details about her daughter Chelsea’s upcoming wedding, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said “My lips are sealed.” And to keep Bill out of trouble, so are the lips of all the bridesmaids.

Not The Tea Party

2010-07-15T10:58:00.003-05:00

Police were called to the Muirfield Village Country Club in Dublin, Ohio, after a woman re[porting seeing Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger urinating on a tree. No charges will be filed unless it’s determine that Rothlisberger was intentionally urinating on a female squirrel in the tree.

Argentina is the first country in Latin America to legalize same-sex marriage. Those who objected to the new law are now afraid that the country’s signature dance, the tango, will be replaced by the mango.

President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are among 500 people reported invited to ex-first daughter Chelsea Clinton's wedding. The Secret Service will have extra agents there to protect the president when Oprah goes airborne in an attempt to catch the bouquet.

Kellogg admits that higher-than-normal amounts of methyl naphthalene in its package liners caused the unusual smell and flavor that prompted a recall of 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops and Honey Smacks. The recalled cereals are being repackaged as Methyl Munchies, Napthalene Nibbles and Odor Oaties.

A Colorado man has developed a car with two toilet bowls for seats. He’s already received orders from a number of lovelorn former NASA astronauts.

A man in India was taken to the hospital after a friend bet him he couldn’t swallow a poisonous snake. The man had recently been laid off but luckily was covered by COBRA insurance.

A model in Romania has started a new political party just for beautiful people. The name is a Romanian word that translates loosely to “Not The Tea Party.”

Shooting has begun on a remake of “Arthur,” the 1981 hit starring Dudley Moore. It’s being funded by the Republican Party in an attempt to convince voters that drunk millionaires can be loveable.

Republican Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky says that New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was “smart” to die in a year when there is no federal estate tax. If that’s true, it means there’s still time for Dr. Kevorkian to make a comeback as an estate counselor.

A Texas animal control officer said an alleged chupacabra, a mythical Mexican creature that sucks the blood from goats, was actually a hairless canine-coyote hybrid with mange. It’s confusing because that also describes half the contestants at a typical Mixed Martial Arts tournament.

Barbara wouldn’t let him toss W

2010-07-13T12:08:00.002-05:00

NASA reports that the first six months of this year were the hottest on record. It’s so hot, President Obama is meeting with Republicans just for the cold reception.

It’s so hot, Lindsay Lohan wrote “F U Sun” on her fingernails.

Swimmers in Austria are being asked to keep their mouths shut in public pools because it costs too much to replace the water they swallow. They also asked that swimmers wait an hour after eating a meal but jump right in if they’re on a liquid diet.

A total of 1,062 Chinese people broke a Guinness world record by keeping soccer balls in the air with their feet for 10 seconds simultaneously. They could have gone longer but quit when they saw another thousand people coming to cheer them on with vuvuzelas.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he's seriously considering seeking the Republican presidential nomination. It’s the only thing left after finding out there’s no openings on “Dancing With The Stars” until 2013.

Tiger Woods says he expects a positive reception from British fans at the British Open. The British will forgive any infidelity scandal as long as neither party screams out the queen’s name during sex.

In Washington state, the driver of a FedEx tractor-trailer rig choked on some spicy pork rinds, lost control of his truck on an interstate and jackknifed it before coming to a stop in a ditch. He was charged with DWI – driving with indigestion.

Archaeologists in Jerusalem have discovered a clay fragment from the 14th century B.C. that contains the words "you," "them," and "later." Sounds like evidence that Noah was auditioning young ladies for the last two seats on the ark.

Former President George H.W. Bush's fishing boat, Fidelity IV, ran aground in thick fog on a beach near his Maine home. He could have freed the boat by throwing off some dead weight but Barbara wouldn’t let him toss W.

A man stopped for a traffic violation in Connecticut was found to have seven bags of heroin concealed in his buttocks. The police got suspicious when they saw the man drive by and moon a crack house.

The parent company of Penthouse magazine plans to make an offer to buy Playboy Enterprises from Hugh Hefner, who wants to take the company private. Penthouse plans to make the bid in a letter that begins with “She begged to wrap a $100 million check around my hot, rigid manhood.”

To Grill A Mockingbird

2010-07-12T11:53:00.001-05:00

Former President Bill Clinton presided at the wedding ceremony for U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin, an aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Bill’s only slip came after he had married the couple and then said, “I may now kiss the bride.”

Rev. Jesse Jackson says Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert’s comments about LeBron James sounded like they were directed at a “runaway slave.” Actually, James was more like a freed slave how just got 40 million acres and a mule.

The Swiss government declared Roman Polanski a free after rejecting a U.S. request to extradite him on a charge of having sex in 1977 with a 13-year-old girl. The director of “Chinatown” is now working on a new movie about the current state of affairs in the U.S. called “Chinacountry.”

There’s speculation over whether Chelsea Clinton will convert before marrying Marc Mezvinsky, who was raised in Conservative Judaism. When asked what he thought of the possibility of his daughter converting to Judaism, her father Bill said, “That’s depends on what your definition of “ism” is.

Patrick Hemingway, the 82-year-old son of writer Ernest Hemingway, says his father would approve of a new line of shoes named after him. However, he probably wouldn’t help the business by changing the name of one of his books to “For Whom They Sell Soles.”

Two Southern California men played darts for 30 hours, 7 minutes to set a world record for the longest dart game ever. They also set a record for the longest time two people played darts without once saying, “What’s your point?”

Police in Washington arrested a men impersonating a bus driver who stole a bus and picked up passengers before crashing into a tree. The passengers started to get suspicious when the guy was polite, on schedule and waited for a lady who was running late.

It’s the 50th anniversary of Harper Lee's literary classic, “To Kill A Mockingbird.” She never wrote another novel, although she was tempted to write a cookbook called “To Grill A Mockingbird.”

A new biography of Sarah Palin is being written to appeal to 9-to-12-year-olds. Kind of like her speeches.

Producers of “Glee” say there’s no chance Britney Spears will appear on the musical comedy-drama despite a Twitter campaign by her manager. That’s too bad because the cheerleader coach on “Glee” is the only person left capable of talking some sense into Britney.

Reproductus expeditus

2010-07-09T16:47:00.002-05:00

More bad news for Cleveland. All of the people who believe that LeBron James leaving the city is the end of the world have decided to stay.

ESPN’s rating for the big LeBron James announcement were so good, everyone wants in. The Food Network is pushing to broadcast his first decision when he arrives in Miami on whether to go out for seafood, ribs or Chinese.

Celine Dion announced on her web site that she’s pregnant with twin boys. She didn’t need an ultrasound – the doctor could tell from the two nipple-shaped objects sticking out on either side of her navel.

A new study found than people can be addicted to love the same as they can become addicted to drugs because the same parts of the brain are involved. It’s the part of the brain located beneath the area of the skull that both types of addicts bang against the wall.

A new study found that women are more willing to engage in "reproduction expediting" sexual activities as their biological clocks tick louder. Which explains why “reproductus expeditus” is the Latin word for “cougar.”

An upcoming auction in New York will feature the belongings of movie cowboy Roy Rogers, including the preserved remains of his horse, Trigger. The stuffed horse could fetch $200,000 – more if it still has the marks on its rear where Roy’s wife Dale Evans used to kick it.

Some people never learn. Lindsay Lohan is trying to find a network willing to broadcast her decision whether to go to a prison where the uniforms are orange or one where the inmates wear stripes.

Behead and Shoulders

2010-06-30T15:40:00.002-05:00

Larry King says he’s retiring as host of “Larry King Live” so he and his wife can go to Little League baseball games. He’ll be the old guy in the stands yelling, “Hey you kids! Get off of my lawn!”

Police in Massillon, Ohio, arrested a man named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges and drug possession. His lawyer claims Donald Duck suffers from multiple personalities disorder and that’s the reason he was acting Goofy.

Actor Steve Carell says he’s leaving “The Office” at the end of season seven so he can spend more time with his family. His kids watched DVDs of the previous six seasons of him playing Michael Scott and begged him to stay on the show until they’re old enough to move out.

Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” That’s not the original title but his publisher didn’t like “Stories That Explain Why I’m Not George Clooney.”

Addiction experts in Australia have found no link between excessive Internet use and problem gambling. Apparently strip Internet poker isn’t as addictive as the real thing.

Police in Florida arrested a woman who allegedly swung a toilet lid at her cousin's head before stealing his wallet. The cops found the weapon with her fingerprints on it because, like all women, she put the seat down.

A Massachusetts biotech firm has been asked by Ozzy Osbourne to analyze his DNA for his new health column in The Times of London. I predict they’ll find that his deoxyribonucleic acid is mostly acid.

The Senate voted 99-to-0 to unanimously confirm Gen. David Petraeus as the next commander of the Afghanistan war. The late Senator Robert Byrd could not vote, but just to be on the safe side President Obama banned Ouija boards from the Senate chamber.

A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. You can tell it was Napoleon’s because it still smells of his favorite shampoo … Behead and Shoulders.

Drinkers needed a strong constitution

2010-06-29T11:56:00.002-05:00

NASA commander Alan Poindexter told a reporter that sexual intercourse is not permitted aboard the International Space Station. If it does happen, the commander is required to report it to NASA using the code phrase, “Houston, we have a probe-lem.”

The Pentagon unveiled a painting of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld that cost nearly $50,000. Most of that money was for a special coating to make it easy to wash off mustaches, goatees and horns.

Russia’s government says the U.S. arrest of 10 alleged Russian spies is an unjustified throwback to the Cold War. This was denied by Napoleon Solo, head of U.N.C.L.E.

The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. Sounds like just the thing to get your date in the mood to spawn.

General Stanley McChrystal has decided to retire from the Army. He wants to spend more time at home giving orders to his kids to look for Waldo.

Steve Carell is leaving his role as Michael Scott on “The Office” at the end of this season. When it was pointed out that he’s had a long tenure, he said, “That’s what SHE said.”

Officials at George Washington's Virginia estate says whiskey from Washington’s original recipe is being made available for the first time since 1814. It was a pretty potent spirit back then so, like the new country, drinkers needed a strong constitution.

Thousands of Czechs are protesting plans to place a six-foot-tall Michael Jackson statue in a park in Prague. They’re afraid the statue will attract two things that always make a mess in parks: pigeons and American tourists.

Those underwater robots have a pretty tough union

2010-06-28T12:29:00.002-05:00

Police in Michigan arrested a drunken man and woman pushing a baby stroller containing two 4-year-old boys, open containers of alcohol and a bayonet. Boy, these pre-school graduation parties are really getting out of hand.

The Colorado man who was stopped in Pakistan while on a hunt for Osama bin Laden said he wanted to capture him alive and bring him to justice. He’s pretty upset that he got closer than anyone else but still didn’t get his picture on the cover of Rolling Stone.

BP claims it is spending $100 million per day on the Gulf oil disaster. Apparently those underwater robots have a pretty tough union.

BP is denying reports out of Russia that CEO Tony Hayward is resigning. It has no comments on other reports out of Russia that vodka kills the taste of oily water.

A set of three chest X-rays taken of Marilyn Monroe during a 1954 hospital visit sold for $45,000 at an auction in Las Vegas. It’s hard to tell if it’s really Marilyn but the hand in the X-ray is definitely a Kennedy.

Britain's Prince Harry fell off of his horse while playing polo in New York. The first aid center was immediately swamped with skinny supermodels offering to donate a thimble of blood.

A video of the late Gary Coleman's exposed penis is making the rounds on the Internet. After seeing it, you’ll know what really inspired the title “Diff’rent Strokes.”

You’ll be sleeping alone again tonight

2010-06-25T16:36:00.002-05:00

A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. He initially refused to get treatment because he hates doctors, but the apologetic dog convinced his owner to let him drive him to his vet.

British veterinarians saved the life of a cat who lost two legs in an accident by replacing them with the world’s first fully-operational feline bionic legs. The cat has been signed to star in a new TV show called “The Six Million Dollar Manx.”

Rock singer Meat Loaf is in talks to compete on the next edition of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” He should do well as long as he doesn’t compare Donald Trump’s hair to a bat out of hell.

A two-foot long metal arm from the Terminator, the only known surviving piece of the movie robot, is being auctioned off in California. A Terminator arm would make a great I’ll-be-backscratcher.

An atheists' organization has put up a billboard on Billy Graham Parkway in Charlotte, North Carolina. Always the peacemaker, the Reverand Graham prayed for the atheists and also that no one gets hurt when lightning hits it.

In San Bernadino, California, police were called to break up a fight between parents attending a kindergarten graduation. Something about the valedictorian being undeserving of the honor because he wasn‘t potty-trained yet.

According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. If you believe a yawn is a good way to show a woman you're interested, y.

It’s rumored that Playboy has offered Justin Bieber's mom $50,000 to pose topless. Sure, it sounds creepy, but if the shock causes Justin to lose his voice, I’m all for it.

Kellogg Co. is voluntarily recalling about 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops and Honey Smacks cereals because an unusual smell and flavor from the packages' liners could make people ill. That’s almost as many people who get ill from reading the ingredients.

Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul says an underground electronic fence along the U.S.-Mexico border would be a cost-effective way to stop illegal immigration. If it’s that cheap, I’m willing to chip and put one around Kentucky before Rand leaves.

Warm up his globe

2010-06-24T14:30:00.002-05:00

Kal Penn has officially left the White House's Office of Public Engagement to shoot a Christmas-themed “Harold and Kumar” special. They’ll be joined by another former Obama administration official in “Harold and Kumar Make Wassail with General Stanley.”

Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul once said he would have pardoned himself if he had been the state's scandal-plagued governor who violated state hiring laws. So the real reason this libertarian likes playing Monopoly is not the free market economy but the “Get out of jail free” cards.

A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. They didn’t say what he was drinking but the float is now called the Rye-tanic.

Engineers using remote-controlled submarines put a cap back on BP’s broken oil well after a robot accidentally knocked it off. The robot refused to take responsibility and was later spotted watching his boat compete in a remote-controlled sailboat race.

Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. On the downside, a number of people on the routes have been bitten by disgruntled postal workers.

Army Gen. David Petraeus didn’t was any time taking over in Afghanistan for General Stanley McChrystal. He’s already told his staff to stop referring to Vice President Joe Biden as “Bite Me” and start referring to him as “Vice President Bite Me.”

Queen Elizabeth II visiting the All England Club to watch the Wimbledon tennis tournament for the first time since 1977. She hadn’t seen that many women in skimpy outfits chasing balls since Charles stopped sneaking girlfriends into the palace.

Police in Portland say they found no evidence to support charges that Al Gore had “unwanted sexual contact” with a massage therapist in 2006. They think the woman may have misunderstood Al and thought he asked her to warm up his globe.

According to new research, despite being so close together on the human face, the nose and throat contain very different types of bacteria. Which explains why we say “Cover your mouth” after a cough and “God bless you” after a sneeze.

Pixilate the jury of their peers

2010-06-22T15:25:00.002-05:00

Utah Senator Orin Hatch wants to give drug tests to the unemployed before they can get government assistance. If receiving government assistance includes being on government health care because you’re a member of Congress, I’m all for it.

The Naked Cowboy, who performs in a cowboy hat and briefs on Times Square in New York, is suing a woman who calls herself the Naked Cowgirl and performs in a bikini. If this goes to trial, Court TV will have to pixilate the jury of their peers.

Michael Jackson's company, MJ Inc., has generated at least $1 billion in revenue in the year since his death. This breaks the previous record for money earned by a stiff set when Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize.

A California man is fighting the state Department of Pesticide Regulation for ruling that his fertilizer made from worm poop is a pesticide because it repels bark beetles. The state is also being sued by bark beetles for ruining their fierce reputation in the beetle community.

A South Carolina town is considering a law that would make it illegal to sing, yell, shout, whistle, hoot or holler on public streets if it is annoying nearby people. The law is opposed by young girls who are afraid it will prevent an upcoming Justin Bieber concert.

With 2,300 in attendance, the NorCal Pirates Festival in California claims it has set a world record for most people in one place dressed as pirates. They also set a record for the most people pretending to have only one hand who object to being called hookers.

An art gallery in Poland is in trouble for displaying a giant billboard of a naked Minnie Mouse sprawled on a huge Nazi swastika. If they think that’s bad, wait till they see the replacement showing Mickey Mouse teaching Donald Duck to goosestep.

Police in a small town in Switzerland hired a man dressed as a guardian angel to stand on the side of the road and urge drivers to slow down. It works for everyone except hay wagons carrying guys holding pitchforks.

An engineer in China has developed an amphibious bicycle that can be ridden on land or in the water. If he doesn’t win the Tour du France, maybe Lance Armstrong can ride one in the America’s Cup yacht race.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has offered to rebuild a lightning-struck 62-foot-tall Jesus statue in Ohio as long as it carries a message about vegetarianism. The offer is opposed by church members who think it was a sign God loves barbecue.

Muammar Mia!

2010-06-21T12:53:00.002-05:00

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has adopted a small Italian village to help with its poor economy and high unemployment. In return, all the Italians have to do is change their favorite exclamation to “Muammar Mia!”

BP claims it has spent $2 billion so far in response to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. It should have been a lot more but apparently the blow-out protector on BP’s checking account is still working fine.

Authorities at Dulles International Airport arrested a man trying to smuggle more than four pounds of cocaine using powdered soup packets. Security guards got suspicious when the man showed them his really tiny soup spoon.

CBS has joined forces with an Indian company to launch channels in India. New CBS shows for the Indian market include “India’s Next Top Brahma,” “Two and a Half Maharishis” and “How Our Parents Arranged For Me To Meet Your Mother.”

Police in Syracuse charged two vacuum cleaner salesmen with a misdemeanor after they destroyed a mattress during a home demonstration. The men didn’t say what they were doing on the mattress with the vacuum but the housewife was still interested in buying the very special attachment.

An estimated 8,000 cyclists in various stages of undress rode through downtown Portland, Oregon, in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. Injuries were down this year due to pre-ride safety instructions on how to use duct tape to avoid getting caught in the spokes.

An Oklahoma woman set a new world endurance record by wing-walking four hours above San Francisco on a World War II-era biplane. Just like flying on inside an airliner, she managed to survive for four hours by eating bugs.

Elin Nordegren, wife of Tiger Woods, is enrolled at a Florida college taking a psychology course on “human abnormal behavior.” Her professor guaranteed her an A if she brings Tiger in for show-and-tell.

Under a tentative deal reached between Gov. David A. Paterson and legislative leaders, new cigarette taxes in New York will push the price to $10 a pack. This will officially mark the end of the expression, “Can I bum a smoke?”

In World Cup soccer, Portugal defeated North Korea 7-0. Fans back in Portugal celebrated by ducking their heads under their desks.

Plenty of headroom

2010-06-18T14:29:00.001-05:00

Kentucky Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul says he sympathizes with Texas Republican Joe Barton because he knows what it’s like to be piled on. That’s like a public swimming pool saying it sympathizes with the Gulf because it knows what it’s like to be peed in.

After the Lakers won the NBA title, Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist because “she really helped me relax a lot.” Since then, the shrink has been swamped with calls from New Jersey Nets players complaining that they were really tense.

Hustler is producing an Avatar-inspired 3D porn flick entitled “This Ain't Avatar XXX.” For people without 3D TVs, you can get the same effect by putting a blue baseball bat on the top of the set.

Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of SpaghettiOs with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Campbell Soup executives fired the head of the plant and the guy who came up with that now-embarrassing “Uh-oh” slogan.

At an Arkansas airport, employees at Southwest Airlines discovered that a mislabeled package actually contained 40 to 60 human heads used for medical research. Southwest immediately released a new commercial advertising that its planes have plenty of headroom.

British and Swiss designers have created the world's most expensive model car, a $3 million replica of a Bugatti Veyron made from 24-carat gold, platinum and diamonds. The components are expensive, the designers had to pay $5,000 every time they sniffed the glue.

A Rhode Island family says their 8-year-old son was barred from wearing his patriotic hat to school because the toy army men on top were holding guns. He was allowed in the next day when he said they were Tea Party members.

Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. The company decided it can now save money by filling the cars with free oil washing up on the Mississippi coastline.

In Illinois, former gospel singer Roger Menees received a certificate from Guinness World Records saying he had sung the lowest note ever produced by a human voice. His voice is so low, he’s being sent to the World Cup tournament to drown out the vuvuzelas.

An Italian priest has developed an iPad application that will let priests celebrate Mass with an iPad on the altar instead of the regular Catholic missal. You know your priest is using an iPad if he opens Mass by saying, “In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the HOLY CRAP! Notre Dame just scored!”

Indiana Jones and Indiana's Bones

2010-06-17T13:03:00.002-05:00

The Food and Drug Administration says a new so-called “female Viagra” fell short in two tests. This marks the first time the words “Viagra” and “short” have been used in the same sentence.

The American construction worker who claims he went to Pakistan to single-handedly kill Osama bin Laden says he did it after God appeared to him in a dream. It’s nice to see God is finally speaking to the right people.

North Korea’s World Cup soccer team coach says Korean leader Kim Jong-Il speaks to him during matches on an invisible phone. Reception isn’t real good so he’s not sure if the Dear Leader is saying “concentrate” or “concentration camp.”

Rush Limbaugh will appear on the Golf Channel’s "The Haney Project" where he’ll get golf tips from Tiger Woods' former coach Hank Haney. Haney warns he can only help Rush with his grip on his putter, not on reality.

A new law is going into effect restricting the mailing of cigarettes, tobacco and smokeless tobacco. Cigars can still be mailed, courtesy of a special secret loophole passed years ago by Bill Clinton.

Wildlife officials say no laws were broken when employees at an Ohio airport used vehicles to scare and chase coyotes off runways. However, they could be violating a copyright if the keep chasing the coyotes while yelling “Beep-beep!

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart got married in a ceremony presided over by New Mexico's governor Bill Richardson. They’re thinking about finally doing a movie together called “Indiana Jones and Indiana's Bones.”

Christina Aguilera has been picked to sing the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. Based on her performance before Game 6, the Lakers are hoping her singing hurts the Celtics ears enough that they can’t hear Doc Rivers yelling plays.

A Greyhound bus driver was arrested after he stole a brand-new bus in New York and drove it to see his girlfriend. To complete the romantic Greyhound mood, he brought her a selection of candy from the vending machine.

The door of an American Airlines jetliner snapped off when the plane rolled away from a gate at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. To avoid delay, a number of passengers offered to stuff the hole with the overweight salesman sitting next to them.

In-deceased exposure

2010-06-16T11:06:00.000-05:00

Laurie David, ex-wife of Larry David of “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” is denying rumors she’s having an affair with Al Gore. She refuses to comment on a report that she got a tattoo on her rear for Al that reads “An Inconvenient Tush.”

Rumors are flying that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are back together. Levi decided to get more involved with raising his son Tripp after hearing Granny Sarah thought it was OK that he had friends over for tea parties.

Sweden's royal family is upset at Mattel making a Barbie doll that looks like Crown Princess Victoria. Actually, what they don’t like is that Ken can’t bend at the waist low enough to bow to her.

Scientists in Japan have completed a study they say proves that monkeys like watching television, especially shows with animals. And just like many humans, the monkeys threw poo at the screen every time Glenn Beck came on.

A man in China has trained his Belgian shepherd to climb trees and says the dog can go higher than ten feet. In a related story, Michael Vick just cut down the big tree outside his bedroom window.

Actor Kevin Costner has won a contract to supply BP with 32 of his high-tech oil separation machines. He’s also changed his Native American name to “”Dances With Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing.”

A mortuary in Ohio was shut down after the funeral director was caught walking around naked or partially-clothed in the funeral home during business hours. He was charged with in-deceased exposure.

It’s being reported that Goldman Sachs had to bring in exterminators to rid its office building in Jersey City, N.J., of bed bugs. A spokesperson for Goldman Sachs refused to comment on the blood-sucking lice out of professional courtesy.

Officials at a British museum dedicated to Winston Churchill said they have no idea who digitally altered a photograph of him and removed his cigar. A representative working on the George W. Bush Presidential Library is hoping to find whoever did it and see if they know how to remove a smirk.

A bullfighter in Mexico City who ran away from a bull in the rig was arrested and charged with breach of contract. Talk about a tough law. He either has to pay a big fine or cut off his ear and give it to the bull.

A see-thru burqa at Victoria’s Secret

2010-06-10T16:55:00.002-05:00

To improve the brand’s image, General Motors has told employees they should no longer refer to a Chevrolet automobile as a “Chevy.” In a similar move, Toyota told employees to stop referring to a Toyota as an “Oy.”

Delta Airlines says a paperwork mix-up resulted in a boy being sent to Cleveland and a girl being flown to Boston instead of vice versa. The girl didn’t mind but the boy took the flight wings the pilot gave him, stormed the cockpit and tried to stop them from landing in Cleveland.

A team of Irish scientists digging in Armenia found what is believed to be the oldest leather shoe in the world -- a 5,500-year-old cowhide shoe. Depending on which side of evolution you stand, this is either an interesting find or possibly the exact shoe God wore when kicking Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden.

Paula Deen's former maid was arrested for allegedly stealing $100,000 in jewelry from the celebrity chef’s Georgia home. A pawn shop owner suspected it was Deen’s jewelry because the string of pearls was actually deep-fried pearl onions.

McDonald's is offering $3 cash for the return of any recalled toxic "Shrek" glasses, but the items are selling for up to $5 on eBay. Burger King is offering $6 a glass, but only if you stand in front of one of its stores holding it.

Mr. T, the star of television's original “A-Team” series, says the new “A-Team” movie is too graphic for him. Mr. T is so old, the only fools he pities these days are the ones who stand behind him while he’s eating.

The Roman Catholic Church in Scotland says singer Susan Boyle will perform for Pope Benedict XVI on his tour of Britain later this year. This is part of the church’s plan to promote celibacy by scaring priests away from women.

AT&T admits that a security problem exposed the e-mail addresses of over 100,000 users of Apple's iPad. The iPad owners knew they’d been hacked when they Googled “God” and got Bill Gates’ picture instead of Steve Jobs.

A court in Saudi Arabia convicted a man and sentenced him to four months in prison and 90 lashes for kissing a woman in a mall. Actually, the prison sentence was for the kiss - the 90 lashes was for buying her a see-thru burqa at Victoria’s Secret.

The Brazilian referee and his assistants who will work the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English-language obscenities the players might use. Luckily they only have to learn spoken obscenities since soccer players aren’t allowed to use their hands.

Save your nude photos for a possible moon shot

2010-06-09T15:43:00.002-05:00

A construction worker in China suffered only a broken leg after falling into a working concrete mixer. He was pulled out just as the blade was about to hit his buttocks, which would have turned the concrete into asphalt.

A company is England has developed a pair of Wellington boots that will charge your cell phone by turning the heat from your feet into an electrical current. Big deal. I put a pork chop in my sneakers and in eight hours I have cured ham.

An Oregon company called That's My Face uses photos to create personalized action figures so customers can play with themselves. Most guys buy two dolls – an action figure of themselves and a Barbie making an O-face.

Wildlife experts in South Africa are worried that the large Cape vulture could be hunted to extinction by gamblers who believe smoking its brains gives them magic powers to predict World Cup results. Not to mention breath that makes bookies accept any bet just to make them go away.

A week after Al and Tipper Gore announced their separation, their oldest child, Karenna Gore, announced that she’s also getting a divorce. Her husband said it all started when that boring old fat guy in the hemp bathrobe moved in.

A team of Canadian and British scientists have developed clothing that senses the wearer’s mood and responds accordingly. Although the clothing can play music, show photographs or display text messages to the wearer’s mood, when men put it on all it does is makes the pants fall down.

An Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a world record for the longest distance run without wearing shoes. He didn’t say how fast he ran but witnesses report it was a blistering pace.

According to a new study, short people have a 50 percent higher risk of having a heart problem or dying from one than tall people. They blame it on the fact that short people can only reach the sugary cereals at the grocery store.

Sarah Plain told President Obama he should call her for advice on stopping the Gulf oil spill. Apparently she has a neighbor who she thinks is a perfect fit for the hole.

NASA is inviting the public to send in their portraits and the photos will be sent into space aboard one of the two remaining space shuttle flights. They ask that you save your nude photos for a possible moon shot.

If you spilled it, he will come

2010-05-20T12:29:00.000-05:00

The owner of the Shades of Love lingerie store in San Antonio, Texas, was told she needs a $300 food permit because she sells edible underwear, body butter and flavored gels. What’s worse, the bus from the local retirement village that comes once-a-month must now be called a Meals on Wheels.

Kentucky’s Tea Party Senate candidate Rand Paul says he thinks private businesses should be allowed to discriminate on the basis of race. This explains the big donation Rand got from the nation’s largest manufacturer of white sheets.

NBA Hall of Famer Calvin Murphy said in a radio interview that the rumors are true that LeBron James’ mom had sex with her son's teammate Delonte West. Murphy has fathered 14 daughters with nine different women. In case LeBron’s mom was listening to his show, Murphy also mentioned that he still plays in a senior league.

Actress Valerie Bertinelli announced in AARP magazine that she’s engaged to businessman Tom Vitale, her boyfriend of six years. Ex-husband Eddie Van Halen announced in Rolling Stone that he was never married to anyone that old.

Arizona is threatening to cut off electricity to Los Angeles if the city doesn't reverse its decision to boycott the state over its immigration law. In response, Los Angeles threatened to cut off Arizona’s cable companies from receiving reruns of The Lawrence Welk Show.

The Connecticut state Department of Environmental Protection says a small monkey spotted in the town of Greenwich has not been seen in nearly two weeks. The monkey was last seen eating from a dumpster and is either gone, dead or trying to get its own show on the Food Network.

Scientists funded by actor Kevin Costner are offering to help in the cleanup of the BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Costner is trying to get James Earl Jones to sneak into the bedrooms of BP executives while they’re sleeping and say, “If you spilled it, he will come.”

Two sea lions and a dolphin participating in a California disaster exercise located a dummy underwater mine and apprehended a diver posing as a terrorist. Unfortunately, they also rounded up thousands of innocent sunbathers with bottles of suntan lotion bigger than 4 ounces.

According to a new study, Viagra can cause long-term hearing loss. Now there’s two ways guys a can lose their hearing by going from soft to hard rock.

McDonald's is testing a new breakfast menu at 600 restaurants in the Northeast that will feature oatmeal. For its regular customers, McDonald’s will offer the Egg McMuffin in an oatmeal bag.

Two women in Louisiana were arrested for allegedly attempting to smuggle crystal meth inside a Bible to a man in jail. Jail officials got suspicious when the women kept telling the man to make sure he read the story about how Goliath got stoned.

One giant four-letter-word-other-than-leap for mankind

2010-05-17T14:44:00.000-05:00

Laura Bush said in an interview that she’s “really glad” that Elena Kagan has been nominated for the Supreme Court. Dick Cheney is trying to lure her to his place to see if the chip he had implanted in her brain has shorted out.

A 16-year-old Australian girl finished a seven-month voyage to become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. The hardest part of the trip was knowing she’d have over a million Facebook friend requests waiting for her when she got back.

A group of unhappy Facebook users are promoting a “Quit Facebook Day” on May 31 to protest the latest changes to the Facebook privacy policy. It has less than a thousand users committed so far, but over a million have joined the group “Let’s see if we can get a million people to do nothing about Facebook’s privacy policy.”

Iran has worked out an agreement to ship most of its low-enriched uranium to Turkey in return for fuel rods for a medical research reactor. Former President George W. Bush called President Obama and told him it was OK to use his “they hate our freedoms” excuse to attack Iran anyway.

BP says the mile-long tube it connected to its leaking well in the Gulf of Mexico is siphoning about a fifth of the oil that is spewing out. There hasn’t been this much excitement in Washington about a fifth since Ted Kennedy died.

Some scientists are estimating that the oil leak in the Gulf has sent a miles-long underwater plume of oil heading straight for the Florida Keys. Out of habit, Republican scientists in Florida are demanding a recount.

NBC announced it has cancelled “Heroes.” Fans who want to watch another show about seemingly normal people with secret super powers should tune in to “Wall Street Week.”

A New York animal shelter is seeking donations of Viagra to treat a pit bull with a heart condition who needs two pills a day. In a related story, owners of female dogs in New York are seeking donations of fences.

A partial power outage at the International Space Station briefly interrupted a spacewalk. The astronauts who were floating outside when it happened called it one small blackout for man, one giant four-letter-word-other-than-leap for mankind.

Animal welfare groups in England are outraged by a school fundraising contest that involves placing ferrets down the trousers of competitors. The teacher in charge of the contest says the ferrets would probably go to sleep, so they must be using married female ferrets.

Law & Order: What A Concept

2010-05-14T13:06:00.002-05:00

After 85 years, Tribune Media Services announced it will cease syndication of the comic strip “Annie” which began in 1924 as “Little Orphan Annie.” The strip was done in by Republican Party scandals which have given a bad name to young orphan girls being adopted by rich bald capitalists.

NBC has cancelled the original “Law & Order” after a 20-year run. It will be replaced by new series set in Arizona called “Law & Order: What A Concept.”

A bill to increase BP’s and other companies’ liability for oil spills from $75 million to $10 billion was defeated by Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska. After the vote, Murkowski flew back to Alaska where BP is finishing a new pipeline that leads directly to her bank account.

BP CEO Tony Hayward said in an interview that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is “relatively tiny” compared to the “very big ocean.” Let’s hope he feels the same way about the jail sentence he gets which will be relatively tiny compared to the history of the universe.

Sarah Palin spoke at the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in North Carolina. Her topic was “Convincing commie liberals that it’s in their heritage to play Russian roulette.”

The owners of the Iowa site where the "Field of Dreams" movie was filmed have put the land up for sale. Tourists still see the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson, but now he’s got a ghost agent who demands 10% of the ticket sales.

Matt Lauer is denying reports that he cheated on his wife and moved out of the family home. The rumors started during the last episode of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” when his wife destroyed the only map of where he was hiding.

While President Obama was visiting Buffalo, a woman came up to him and said, “You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.” The president smiled and replied, “Thank you, but you already got the nomination, Elena.”

To help find a solution to the Gulf oil leak, Energy Secretary Steven Chu has brought in a team of scientists including a hydrogen bomb designer and a Mars mining expert. If they can’t fix it, Chu is down to Wiley Coyote and the Dutch kid who stuck his finger in the dike.

LeBron James isn’t saying whether he’ll stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers now that they’ve been eliminated from the playoffs again. However, it’s not a good sign that he got a new tattoo that reads “This space available.”

Our Lady of Good Stuff

2010-05-13T11:23:00.001-05:00

A former janitor at a convent in Italy is accused of organizing visits by South American drug smugglers disguised as pilgrims. The nuns got suspicious when the pilgrims kept asking to see the statue of Our Lady of Good Stuff.

An Australian physicist convinced the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary to fix a 99-year-old definition error of the word “siphon” he discovered during research. They also agreed to pay his doctor bill after he got gasoline up his nose using the incorrect definition.

Elena Kagan, President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, is making the rounds visiting senators who will vote on her nomination. So far, the only paper trail Republican senators could find on her was one involving an embarrassing incident after leaving the ladies room.

Michigan police are looking for a stolen delivery truck containing over $250,000 worth of adult merchandise, including lingerie and sex toys. They warned local residents that if they see a suspicious truck rocking, don’t go knocking.

A Nebraska teenager was arrested for allegedly using an apple and a hollowed-out cucumber to smoke marijuana. His fellow students were sorry he got caught but happy that the cafeteria must now go back to serving burger, fries and pizza.

A Japanese company has developed a bra whose cups can be used as pots to grow rice from attached seedlings. Sounds like the perfect gift for your girlfriend Patty.

According to a new study, people who were physically touched by a woman took bigger risks than those who weren't. This is especially true if the touching involved a lap dance.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford spent last weekend in Florida with his Argentine lover, hoping to rekindle the affair that wrecked his marriage and his political future. He wouldn’t say how it worked out but the hotel gift reported that he bought out its entire supply of trail mix.

It's now law in Hawaii that the state government can ignore repetitive requests for President Barack Obama's birth certificate. Birthers must now get their copies the old-fashioned way – by using correction fluid on a bad Xerox copy.

Tiger Woods says an inflamed neck joint is giving him pain and making it hard to turn his head and that the only therapy is massages. Fortunately, he knows hundreds of women who give massages.

Abu Dhabi's top hotel has installed a new ATM that dispenses gold bars instead of cash. Some things never change. People withdrawing gold bars who are not bank customers still complain about the $2 fee.

Veal Or No Veal

2010-05-06T11:48:00.000-05:00

Sarah Palin says the lesson we should learn from the Gulf oil spill is that we shouldn’t trust foreigners. Apparently the leaks will magically stop if we just change the name to the Gulf of America.

Poison lead singer Bret Michaels says the brain hemorrhage he suffered last month felt like he’d been shot in the back of the head. He plans to use this experience to make the switch from glam metal to rap.

Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. Things are so bad, the most popular Wii game last quarter was an Xbox simulator.

CBS has ordered a pilot for a daytime cooking game show starring chef Emeril Lagasse. Suggested titles are Cheese Wheel Of Fortune, Veal Or No Veal and The Rice Is Right.

“American Idol” has dropped to its lowest viewer total since the show began in 2002. The show’s producers knew things were bad when half of the week’s call-in votes came from dead people in Chicago.

George Alan Rekers, a prominent anti-gay activist, was caught returning from a 10-day trip to Europe with a male escort he found on Rentboy.com. Rekers claimed he hired the young man just to carry his bag, but had no answer when it was pointed out that the only bag he had was a fanny-pack.

A 66-year-old golfer in New Zealand fell 100 feet off a cliff while searching for his golf ball. In a related story, Elin Nordegren sent in an application for Tiger Woods to play in the Auckland Open.

DirecTV and the Yes Network are planning to televise a game between the New York Yankees and the Seattle Mariners in 3D. Fans watching on 3-D TVs will duck when Alex Rodriguez turns towards the camera, and duck again when he picks up his bat.

A busy road in Sacramento, California, was shut down for hours after a tanker truck overturned and spilled its load of coconut oil. Cleanup crews were aided by local college students who put on bathing suits and rolled in it.

According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. The United States came in a 28th, partly because surrogate mothers got counted three times and threw off the curve.

Giant wooden yachts

2010-05-05T12:35:00.000-05:00

A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. It will carry a warning that Drew Carey yelling “Come on down!” does not mean you should push your head into the computer screen.

A new wave of volcanic ash from Iceland is causing flight delays and cancellations in Ireland and Scotland. Irish travelers are so upset, they’ve offered to appease the volcano by sacrificing with a virgin leprechaun.

Former "American Idol" contestant Ayla Brown, the daughter of Massachusetts Republican Sen. Scott Brown, is the newest contributor on the CBS “Early Show.” She’ll produce pieces focused on the show’s youth audience, so if she screws up CBS will only lose one viewer.

Authorities are still trying to figure out how Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad managed to board a flight while being on the government’s no-fly list. Maybe he was given preferential treatment because he was the only person on the flight without a huge carry-on bag.

A group of French lawmakers wants to repeal an old law passed in 1799 banning women from wearing trousers while outdoors in Paris. The only exception will be women waiting in line at outdoor drugstores to buy razors and shaving cream.

Three bank workers in Greece were killed during riots caused by that country’s banking crisis. As a precautionary measure, bankers on Wall Street are being advised to refuse gifts of giant wooden yachts.

Lindsay Lohan has been picked to play the lead in an independent movie about 1970s porn actress Linda Lovelace, the star of “Deep Throat.” To prepare for the role, Lindsay’s acting coach has her on a strict diet of nothing but pickles, bananas and Popsicles.

General Motors is recalling all Hummer H3s produced since the 2006 model year to fix a portion of the hood that can detach during driving. The detached hoods have been whacking Hummer owners in the forehead like a fist, causing them to scream, “What the hell was I thinking?”

The Coast Guard reports that BP has managed to cap one of three leaks at its deepwater oil well, but it’s not expected to reduce the overall flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. According to George W. Bush’s new memoir, a similar thing happened to him in elementary school when a teacher made him wear a thinking cap.

Now they’re planning to try and control the Gulf oil spill with a controlled burning. Because controlled burning works so well to reduce the danger of tobacco.

Stand By Your Ma’am

2010-05-04T14:08:00.002-05:00

George W. Bush’s FEMA head Michael Brown accused President Obama of “playing politics” with the Gulf Coast oil spill to turn public opinion against offshore drilling. Heck-of-a-job Brownie also offered his services to President Obama to help figure out a way to blame the oil spill on poor people.

Texas Governor Rick Perry says the oil rig explosion that caused the massive Gulf oil spill may have been “just an act of God” that could not have been prevented. He’s checking with Pat Robertson to see if God might be punishing the Gulf for luring so many kids to get drunk and have sex on Spring Break.

Stephen Hawking says that all you need to build a time machine is “a wormhole, the Large Hadron Collider or a rocket that goes really, really fast.” Hawking bases this on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and Marty McFly’s theory of flux capacitors.

Naval Academy graduate John McCain is blocking a popular bill that would change the name of the Department of the Navy to the Department of the Navy and Marine Corps. McCain has nothing against the Marines … he just can’t remember long department names anymore.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says the Gulf oil spill has forced him to withdraw his support of a plan to expand oil drilling off the California coast. This is the same guy who caused a similar oil spill every time he showered off after a big bodybuilding competition.

Researchers have found the first scientific evidence that human growth hormone really does improve athletic performance. These researchers are now moving on to their next project: proving that three-of-a-kind really does beat two pair.

The World Health Organization launched a new website about anti-venoms in an attempt to reduce the estimated 100,000 deaths caused annually by snake poison. If you ask me, they could do the same thing with a YouTube video of a man screaming in fifty languages “DON’T TOUCH THE SNAKE!”

Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. She plans to sing about it in a new song, “Stand By Your Ma’am.”

A couple in Scarborough, England, spent $22,800 to convert a public bathroom building into a cozy home with a North Sea view. I guess that would make it a dungalow.

Many congressional Republicans say terrorism suspects who are U.S. citizens, like the suspected New York City bomber Faisal Shahzad, should not be read their Miranda rights. Republicans would rather throw rotten fruit at suspected terrorists, exercising their Carmen Miranda rights.

The “Full Tiger”

2010-04-26T14:51:00.002-05:00

CNN anchor John Roberts proposed to fellow anchor Kyra Phillips at a golf course by leaving an engagement ring in the cup on the 18th hole. Had he also left a condom and breath mints, this approach would then be called the “Full Tiger.”

In an interview in Elle, Michael Douglas reveals that he once had sex with “a couple friends of my mother’s when I was 16 and they were 30.” Apparently they saw other uses for his cleft chin long before movie directors did.

According to a new report, Craigslist gets over a third of its estimate $100 million in revenues from sex ads. The rest comes from ads placed by guys looking for dates where they’ll eventually have sex after spending a lot more money.

A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that that people lie 50 percent more via e-mail than they do with handwritten letters. What a shock. Who knew there were still people writing letters by hand?

Melania Trump is launching line of affordable jewelry on QVC where every piece costs less than $200. Apparently she cleaned out her husband Donald’s collection of unused toothpicks.

British astrophysicist Stephen Hawking says aliens exist and are probably too dangerous for us to interact with. In a related story, Stephen Hawking has been invited to Arizona by the governor to receive the key to the state.

George W. Bush finally revealed the meaning behind the title of his upcoming memoir, “Decision Points.” It was his job to sharpen the pencils while Dick Cheney made the decisions.

The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Just the thought of spending that kind of money one pill should do the trick for most guys.

Dr. Death Warmed Over

2010-04-22T16:01:00.002-05:00

Air travel is back to normal in Europe now that the volcano in Iceland has stopped spewing ash. However, to be on the safe side, passengers should avoid boarding any plane that has “Wash me” written in the dust on its tail.

Staff at Disneyland Paris refused to allow an 8-year-old girl wearing a fancy gown to enter the park because they were afraid people might confuse her with a cartoon character. Kind of like how people confuse the guy wearing a feather boa but no pants because they think he’s Donald Duck.

A new report says that the number of people killed in U.S. motorcycle crashes dropped 10 percent in 2009 after 11 years of steady increases. Economic conditions have forced baby boomers to cut back on buying expensive Hogs in favor of cheap ham.

The Centers for Disease Control found that hundreds of people at U.S. airports show symptoms of potentially contagious conditions but few are reported to health officials. A sure sign that the person sitting next to you on a plane is sick is if they ask the flight attendant for a second meal.

A British woman claims a recent migraine attack has left her speaking in a permanent “Chinese accent.” It causes a real problem when she hails a cab and the driver doesn’t know how to get to Rondon.

According to a new study, mercury levels are higher in some species of tuna than others. The only way to tell how much mercury is in tuna is to put the can in your mouth and see if the mermaid’s tail goes up.

NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr. Death, says he thinks Al Pacino does a great job playing him in the new movie, “You Don’t Know Jack.” Pacino is flattered but has already turned down the role in a sequel about Kevorkian retiring to Florida tentatively called “Dr. Death Warmed Over.”

Two cows got loose on the Ohio State University campus and many students skipped classes to watch the police chase that lasted more than 90 minutes. Football coach Jim Tressel was disappointed to find out his big new offensive lineman with the unusual stance was one of them.

In a speech at DePaul University, RNC Chairman Michael Steele told students that African-Americans “don't have a reason” to vote for Republican candidates. That’s not true. Black college students love the party now that Republican politicians are starting to act like they’re in a Tracey Morgan movie.

A 20 percent tax on urnings

2010-04-21T13:30:00.002-05:00

Four fishermen were rescued by the Coast Guard three hours after their boat sank off the coast of Alaska. All the fishermen could talk about when they got to shore was the much bigger Coast Guard boat that got away.

An Oregon man suffering from terminal colon cancer is selling ad space on the urns designated to hold his ashes to pay for his cremation. He needs $800 but he has to raise more because the IRS puts a 20 percent tax on urnings.

A song by the Rolling Stones that has never been heard in public will be featured on an episode “Cold Case.” The episode is about solving a 40-year-old cold case involving Keith Richards trying to remember why they never released it.

Scottish singer Susan Boyle says she’s working on her autobiography called “The Woman I Was Born to Be.” She got the rights to that autobiography title after Chastity Bono became CHaz.

Only three men responded to a Florida hotel’s ad for a “tanning butler” to rub lotion on sunbathing guests. Two of them were qualified but the hotel can’t wait until the men finish their terms in the U.S. Senate.

The California Highway Patrol had to evacuate one of its offices due to a suspected bomb in a man's anal cavity that turned out to be a vibrator. A few hours later, the writers of “24” were begging Fox to give them one more season.

NASA has selected 76 community college students to take part in a workshop to develop robotic planetary rovers. These are expected to be the first rovers with a large back seat, huge bass speakers and a cigarette lighter.

European airlines claim they lost at least $1.7 billion in revenue during the volcanic ash crisis. Fortunately, European duty-free shops made that much on American tourists stuck in the airports for a week.

General Motors has repaid the $8.1 billion in loans it got from the U.S. and Canadian governments. The Republican Party says it will still call this a “bailout,” which should be a warning to anyone who gets in a leaky boat with a Republican politician.

Scientists say tremors at the Eyjafjallajokull volcano could trigger an even worse eruption at the nearby Katla volcano. Well, worse for the airlines but not for newscasters tired of trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull.

President Obama says he will not insist that his Supreme Court nominee pass any “litmus tests” in supporting a woman's right to have an abortion. However, he will require that the candidate have a chemistry background to explain to the American people what a “litmus test” actually is.

A group of retired military officers says that many American children are so overweight from being fed french fries, pizza and other unhealthy foods at school lunchrooms that they cannot handle the physical rigors of being in the military. For the first time in history, millions of American schoolchildren thanked a cafeteria lady for lunch.

Lorena Ochoa, the No. 1 player in women's golf the last three years, has retired at the age of 28. She says she wants to spend more time with her family, who are the only people who know that she was the No. 1 player in women's golf the last three years.

The Supreme Court struck down a federal law that made it a crime to create or sell dogfight videos and other depictions of animal cruelty. However, it made sure it’s still a crime for animal lovers to create or sell judge-fight videos and other depictions of judicial cruelty.

German Invades Paris Hilton

2010-04-06T13:15:00.002-05:00

European researchers have discovered that one hour of moderate to vigorous exercise a day can help teens beat the effects of a common obesity-related gene. In a move to quickly corner a new teen exercise market, Apple is planning a 20-pound solid iron cell phone called the iPump.

Senior cardinals in Rome say the accusations that Pope Benedict XVI helped cover up the actions of pedophile priests are part of an anti-Catholic “hate” campaign related to the fact that Benedict opposes same-sex marriage. Not to mention safe-sex marriage, insane-sex marriage and swing-sex marriage.

Principal photography has begun in New York on “The Smurfs,” a new live-action and animated family comedy. If you can’t wait to see what they’ll look like, cut your 3-D glasses in half width-wise and watch “Avatar.”

An 81-year-old woman is suing her ex-husband in Los Angeles for the $50-per-month child support she says he was supposed to start paying in 1950. That amounts to $57,000, but the woman says she’ll take less if the 60-year-old kid will move out and go live with his father already.

A British UFO hunter claims he’s witnessed extraterrestrials mutilating sheep on English farms. He’s planning to turn the story into a sci-fi movie called “Close Encounters of the Herd Kind.”

A Florida seafood chef decided not to cut up and serve an octopus that had nine legs. It appears the octopus was killed by a female who couldn’t figure out how to control that last arm.

A British bunny weighing 49 pounds and measuring 4 feet 3 inches long has been named the world’s biggest by the Guinness World Records people. Kids, if some of the chocolate mysteriously disappeared from your Easter basket, it may not have been your parents.

“Bosom Buddies” stars Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari are reuniting at an awards show with fellow cast members Donna Dixon, Thelma Hopkins and Holland Taylor. The show was about two guys who dressed in drag so they get cheap rent by living in a females-only apartment. Today it would be called “A Very Special Sex Offenders Edition of America’s Most Wanted.”

The latest rumor is that Jesse James starred in more than a dozen homemade sex tapes, many featuring Nazi paraphernalia. He claims they were just World War II documentaries, like “German Invades Paris Hilton.”

NBC is renewing “The Marriage Ref” for another season. This will fill the hole in marital problem programming now that Tiger Woods is back to playing golf.

Craig Robinson, Michelle Obama's brother, has written a book called “A Game of Character” where he reveals that their dad thought Michelle would eat Barack alive. So now we know the real reason why the president always has that big grin on his face.

Police arrested two women at Liverpool's John Lennon airport after they reportedly tried to smuggle a corpse onto a flight. Because the airplane seats are so small, they were hoping to put it in the middle seat and then move it to the overhead compartment once the flight started.

Add in hush money, alimony and jewelry

2010-04-05T15:21:00.000-05:00

In his press conference at the Masters, Tiger Woods apologized to his fellow golfers for the distraction he caused them while he was off. A lot of them were unable to concentrate because of all of the reporters asking “Who are you?”

At his press conference, Tiger Woods said he “missed the competition.” Nothing sharpens your skill like competing with 60 other golfers for the hot blonde in the 18th hole gallery.

About 90 former FBI and Secret Service agents will form a crew of up to 90 bodyguards at the Masters and some of them will be armed. This is to throw off any of Tiger’s former mistresses who will be trying to identify him by the pistol in his pocket.

Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. Sticks and stones may break his bones, but whips and chains and handcuffs can never hurt him.

Republicans upset with the Republican National Committee have formed a rival organization called American Crossroads. Their mascot is an elephant standing on Michael Steele.

A study in the journal Economics Letters fund that blonde-haired women earn seven per cent more than women with hair of other colors. That number goes to seventy percent when you add in hush money, alimony and jewelry.

With the launch of the space shuttle Discovery, four women are in space at the same time for the first time in history. NASA scientists say there’s no danger they’ll all get on the same cycle and knock the moon out of orbit.

Apple’s iBooks censors blocked out the word “sperm” in a description for Herman Melville's “Moby Dick” but not “Dick.” That’s because it needs “Dick” for descriptions of people who give the iPad a negative review.

Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. China cancelled the concerts after dozens of government censors resigned out of frustration while trying to translate Dylan’s lyrics.

Singer Erykah Badu says “Window Seat,” the video in which she appears naked where President John F. Kennedy was shot in Dallas, is being “grossly misunderstood.” If they didn’t want her to show her butt where the assassination occurred, they should have changed the spelling of “assassination.”

One small stop for man

2010-03-30T16:35:00.002-05:00

The health care reform bill President Obama signed will also make it easier for students to get affordable college loans. This is the biggest incentive to convince students to attend college since George W. Bush said getting C’s was OK.

Jill Biden, wife of Vice President Joe Biden, will host a White House summit on community colleges in the fall. Biden is a community college professor who is known to be a tough grader, so husband Joe was right again when he called it a “big F-ing deal.”

A guest host filling in for Glenn Beck said that the new health care reform program is racist because it imposes a tax on tanning salons. It’s not enough to have a right to bear arms, they want tan arms too.

The Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest atom smasher, was fired up this week and broke the world record for particle collisions. That record was held by a Toyota speeding down a gravel road.

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, reportedly will not attend the Masters to watch her husband's return to golf. Instead, she’s hired the Goodyear blimp to zoom in on Tiger’s scorecard so she can see if it has any names instead of numbers.

McDonald’s has opened its first Hamburger University in China. Students will learn how to convince Chinese eaters to develop a taste for McGoo Gai Pan.

Officials at the San Francisco Zoo had to call in firefighters to help move an elderly tiger that was refusing to leave its moat. This tiger is so old, he remembers when Siegfried and Roy were doing Siamese cat shows in a closet.

Part of the ceiling of Roman Emperor Nero's Golden Palace collapsed this week due to heavy rains. No one was hurt, but the ceiling barely missed some American tourists who thought the Golden Palace was a Chinese restaurant.

Researchers in Canada have discovered that barbecue sauces are a rich source of antioxidants if they contain spices and herbs. They also found that people who get their antioxidants from barbecue sauce think the sprig of parsley on their barbecue platter is one serving of vegetables.

NASA has joined in the government's effort to figure out what caused the sudden acceleration problems that led to Toyota's massive recalls. If NASA can figure it out, it will be one small stop for man, one giant halt for mankind.

Impersonating a Pinto

2010-03-29T13:08:00.002-05:00

Conservatives in Texas are so upset with big government, they’re protesting by not filling out their census forms. This includes former president George W. Bush, who says he wants to keep the government out of his Secret Service protection.

President Barack Obama had to sneak in and out of Afghanistan just like George W. Bush used to sneak in and out of Iraq. All of a sudden, Bill Clinton sneaking in and out of the White House to visit his girlfriends doesn’t look so bad after all.

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham is calling the health care reform bill a Ponzi scheme. And if anybody knows Ponzi schemes, it’s the party that got rid of the regulations that allowed Bernie Madoff to run his for so long.

Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife from the tomb of a high-ranking Egyptian official near Karnak temple in Luxor. They know it’s the door to the afterlife because it’s guarded by a statue that looks just like Pat Robertson.

The Republican National Committee is scrambling to explain why Chairman Michael Steele spent almost $2,000 at Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex. One dancer knew he was a Republican because he kept calling her “Killer Baby.”

Police in Germany say 67 sheep died when a pair of dogs chased them into the path of a freight train. A reporter who saw the sheep massacre cried out in his broadcast, “Oh, the ewe-manity!”

“24” may be cancelled but a movie version is in the works. The producers are doing it as a favor to Liz Cheney who says it’s the only thing her father has left to live for.

A state senator in New York has put up billboards telling young men to pull their pants up. Seems like the wrong place to display the message since guys with their pants on the ground are usually looking down so they don’t trip.

Illinois lawmakers voted to deny former Gov. Rod Blagojevich money for an official portrait in the Statehouse. It’s not because they don’t like Blagojevich. It’s because they’d have to raise the ceiling of the statehouse to make room for a painting big enough to show his hair.

Police in England arrested a man who created an anti-tailgating flame-throwing device for his scooter. He was charged with possessing an object converted into a firearm and impersonating a Pinto.

This Can’t Last

2010-03-25T14:08:00.002-05:00

India’s military is putting the world’s hottest chili in tear gas-style hand grenades to immobilize suspected terrorists. When tossed into a cave with a conventional hand grenade, the end result is “chili con carnage.”

Iceland's parliament has voted to ban striptease shows, making it an offense for any business to profit from the nudity of its employees. The law was prompted by the large number of Icelandic men getting poked in the eye by stripper nipples.

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape threatening to kill any Americans al-Qaida captures if the U.S. executes the self-professed 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed. He may back down when he gets the audio tape of President Obama ordering Jack Bauer to bring him in.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tried to help his re-election chances by criticizing a female member of the opposition party for being too attractive. Even if this tactic works, don’t expect the Republicans to try it with Nancy Pelosi.

The University of Wisconsin-Green Bay has switched the default font on its e-mail system from Arial to the smaller Century Gothic to save money on ink when printing emails. Students think a better idea would be for professors to switch from giving uppercase F’s to lowercase a’s.

Tiger Woods will hold his first press conference in nearly five months on the Monday before the Masters. Prior to the scandal, the Monday before the tournament was the day he walked the course to check out the shape of the greens and the blonde greens keepers.

According to a new study, one out of ten adults in China is diabetic. The Chinese government hopes to stop the epidemic by introducing new dishes like Nutrasweet-and-sour pork and Sweet-and-Low Mein.

Richard Heene, father of the infamous Colorado Balloon Boy, has been released from jail into home detention and must now wear an electronic ankle device until April 4. After that, he’s under a 5-year restraining order to stay away from balloons, blimps and clowns making balloon animals.

A Nigerian man living in San Diego was detained for two days at a Mexican border crossing by authorities who thought his dried soup vegetables were drugs. They finally released him after receiving an email from his uncle, a Nigerian prince, who promised to deposit $100,000 into their bank accounts as soon as they sent him the number.

NASA scientists say the Mars Exploration Rover Opportunity has done over 12.4 miles of total driving since it landed on Mars Jan. 25, 2004. It would have gone twice as far but NASA turned down an offer from Toyota to develop the brakes.

Discovery Communications announced that TLC will broadcast “Sarah Palin's Alaska,” an eight-episode series by the former governor. Most environmentalists who support Discovery are hoping that, in Sarah’s case, TLC stands for This Can’t Last.

Teach them fractions using nothing but fifths

2010-03-24T17:28:00.002-05:00

Glen Oaks Community College in Michigan cooked up 327 pounds of beef chuck to break the record for the world's largest meatball. The world’s second-largest meatball still hosts a daily radio show for dittoheads.

Newsweek’s Russia editor was caught naked on tape with what is said to be cocaine and hookers. His management tried to put a positive spin on it by saying at least he wasn’t caught naked in the bathroom reading TIME.

Jerry Springer is the new host of a dating game called “Baggage.” He must not be planning to invite people who’ve appeared on The Jerry Springer Show, because then it would have to be called “Brown Paper Baggage.”

Contestants on a British game show who were given were given the opportunity to spell out a profanity for points decided not to “in the name of decency.” I think the show is called “More Ways We’re Superior To Americans.”

An Illinois woman claims a live goose fell in love with her concrete goose statue and held her hostage in her house for several hours. The bird finally left after burning its beak trying to kiss the woman’s gooseneck lamp.

An amateur fossil hunter in Texas discovered the bones of 96 million year old bird, making it the oldest bird known to North America. Experts were able to estimate the bird’s age by carbon-dating the paper bucket the bone were found in.

Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell says her new daytime television talk show set to debut in 2011 will be like “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Except that Rosie’s significant other will be named Sted-woman.

Romania announced plans to buy several secondhand F-16 fighter jets to upgrade its air force. These jets are so old, the ejection seats are triggered by untying a rope.

A 7th-grade school teacher in Southern California was arrested for allegedly teaching while drunk. The students got suspicious when she tried to teach them fractions using nothing but fifths.

A Rol-rex

2010-03-16T14:51:00.001-05:00

A senior center in California was evacuated after someone dropped off a box labeled “Bomb” that turned out to be filled with cabbages. The center was evacuated a second time after the cabbage stew was served and someone lit a match.

Police in Iowa charged a woman with assault for allegedly hitting her sister with a toilet tank lid during an argument. The sister had the wind knocked out of her after getting hit with the toilet lid, but she started breathing again after the cops jiggled her nose.

Parents in the Modesto, California, school distract are upset with a laid-off teacher who told her students that she’ll have to take up stripping. It really bothered some dads who wish they would have gone to a couple of parent-teacher meetings.

Maple syrup producers in central Massachusetts are being criticized for tapping maple trees in cemeteries. Apparently the producers were working on developing a stiffer syrup called Mrs. Deaderworth.

It appears that New York Times Co. CEO Janet Robinson got roughly $4.9 million in compensation in 2009. “All the news that’s fit to print” is run by a woman who takes all the cash that’s fit to pilfer.

After 30 years, the Army is revising basic training and dropping bayonet drills in favor of soldiers doing stomach exercises. In other words, our troops are preparing to find weapons of mass destruction with weapons of ab construction.

Wildlife officials in Michigan say the Wolverine State has lost its only known wild wolverine. To avoid the expense of changing mascots, the state and the University of Michigan has offered to pay Ben Vereen to move to Detroit and change his first name to Wolf.

A Swiss watchmaker is offering an $11,000 timepiece made from fossilized dinosaur dung. I think it’s called a Rol-rex.

Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas says “demons” have invaded Washington and are forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill. So if you’re in Washington and you see a devil with a blue dress on, it may not be a gay Republican.

Tiger Woods released a statement saying he will play in the Masters this year. He also said he’d completed two months of inpatient therapy, then had to explain that he wasn’t actually “in” any patients.

Winston Bennett, an NBA player during the late 1980s and early 90s, claims he slept with 90 women per month before getting married and 45 per month afterwards. He kept up his stamina during the season by eating a lot of Kobe beef.

John McCain and Sarah Palin are scheduled to campaign together in Arizona next week for the first time since they conceded the presidential election in Phoenix in 2008. To prevent Sarah from saying anything that might harm his re-election campaign, McCain has been told to avoid shaking either of her hands.

Ricepaddyville

2010-03-15T14:00:00.002-05:00

Facebook is opening an operations office in India, its first in Asia. Its first order of business is to set up a new game called Ricepaddyville.

This week is the 25th anniversary of the first dot-com domain name -- Symbolics.com. Before that, Dot Com was the nickname of a woman named Dorothy who was the wife of a Soviet leader.

A 22-year-old American named Katie Spotz became the youngest person to row solo across the Atlantic Ocean. It took her over two months to complete the trip, about half the time it will take to get the song “Row, row, row your boat” out of her head.

A Dutch political party made up of pedophiles has voted to disband itself after failing for the second time to get a candidate on the ballot. They blamed the Catholic Church for giving them a bad name.

An exotic dancer in Washington has filed a lawsuit alleging she should be paid wages in addition to tips at the strip club where she works. She may change her mind when the IRS starts demanding a 1099 for every dollar bill deposited in her G-string.

Suspended Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arena said in an interview that he deserves to be punished for bringing guns to the locker room and used to have as many as 500 firearms in his home. He got rid of them when he didn’t look while picking up his remote and blew a hole in his TV.

NASA scientists lowed a video camera underneath an ice sheet in Antarctica and were shocked to find that the freezing waters contained shrimp. Apparently they’ve discovered the secret spot where shrimp hide out until Lent is over.

Cheese Wheel of Death

2010-03-12T16:25:00.001-06:00

Just like the man who ordered it, all of the furniture is covered in plastic.

Republican state representative Kevin Garn of Utah has admitted being naked in a hot tub with a 15-year-old girl 25 years ago and paying her to keep quiet about it. I knew people skied in Utah but I didn’t know they Polanskied.

A suspected al-Qaida terrorist arrested in Yemen worked at five different nuclear plants in the U.S. between 2002 and 2008. This guy was so suspicious, there’s an employee review in his file from Homer Simpson that says “D’oh!”

The Tea Party is holding a “Surge Against Obamacare” rally in Washington DC next week at the same time the Ringling Brothers Circus comes to town. The city is bringing in snow plows to remove all of the elephant droppings. Luckily, the circus has its own cleanup team.

In an interview with the BBC, Karl Rove said he’s “proud” the Bush administration used waterboarding and didn’t think it was torture. He’s right. “Torture” is listening to Karl Rove defend the Bush administration’s use of waterboarding.

Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir was not invited to be on the Stars on Ice Tour because organizers think he’s “not family friendly.” He’ll be replaced by a family friendly skater dressed as Lindsey Vonn’s butt from the picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

The legal team for legendary music producer Phil Spector is appealing his second-degree murder conviction on grounds of judicial error and prosecutorial misconduct. This marks the first time in years that the phrase “Phil Spector is appealing” has been used in a sentence.

Prince Phillip, husband of Queen Elizabeth, committed another one of his famous gaffs when he asked a female cadet in the British Navy if she worked at a strip club. The queen ignored him but Phillip got a call from his royal grandsons asking him to stop trying to find them dates.

A British man who fell asleep while cooking bacon claims he woke up an hour later and found the image of Jesus burned into the base of the frying pan. He can’t decide whether to sell it or cook up twelve more strips to see if he can get a picture of the Last Supper.

Organizers of an annual Cheese Rolling event in Gloucester, England, have cancelled the 200-year-old event because of health and safety concerns. This was a big disappointment to a film crew there to make “Cheese Wheel of Death.”

A tumor is actually her husband

2010-03-10T12:43:00.000-06:00

Rush Limbaugh now denies he said he’d move to Costa Rica if Congress passes health care reform. In a related story, Costa Rica is denying reports everyone took the day off in honor of Limbaugh Liberation Day.

Australian scientists have discovered a genetically distinct colony of Tasmanian devils that save the species from being wiped out by a contagious cancer that is killing them off. They’re now trying to isolate the colony from other Tasmanian devils and a tall heavily-armed rabbit.

Researchers in Australia have discovered that our tongues can detect the taste of fat in addition to the other five tastes: sweet, sour, salty, bitter and protein-rich. This is good news for Kirstie Alley, whose doctor has been unable to explain why she’s been licking her lips raw.

Doris Haddock a woman who walked ascross America at the age of 89 to draw attention to campaign finance reform, has died at the age of 100. Liberals called her Granny D and John McCain called her “young lady.”

Dan Rather has apologized for the misunderstanding caused by a comment he made about selling watermelons along the side of the road. He was referring to what he saw while growing up in Texas and it was not a reference to racism or the only job he’s going to be able to get.

Neighbors have reported Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren outside kissing and hugging. They were kissing and hugging each other, not like earlier this year Elin was hugging divorce papers and Tiger was kissing his money goodbye.

South Africa’s government says it will need one billion condoms for the 2010 World Cup tournament. That would be the most condoms ever assembled in one location since Charlie Sheen’s last bachelor party.

Ford Motor has unveiled a tiny car called the Figo that will be sold only in India. It will come with emergency oars for monsoon season so the owner can turn it into a Figo-row.

The new show “Parenthood” features a couple whose son has Asperger's syndrome, which has caused millions of Google searches for the tem “assburger.” The show has also received thousands of recipes from vegetarians for dishes to relieve meat-induced constipation.

A man in Kansas told police he was beaten up when he tried to use Monopoly money to purchase drugs. He ould have gotten away with it but the drug dealer also wanted him to throw in his little Scotty dog.

A New York chef says he has customers lining up to try his homemade cheese made from his wife's breast milk. There’s no law against making breast-milk cheese, although putting it on a pizza with sausage requires an X rating.

A Kentucky woman who said she didn't know that she was pregnant delivered her baby on the floor of her laundry room, then picked up her other son from school on the way to the hospital. That’s where she found out that what she thought was a tumor is actually her husband.

Canterbury “tail”

2010-03-08T14:04:00.002-06:00

Katheryn Bigelow is still celebrating the Oscar victories of her film, “The Hurt Locker.” She was spotted at a local convenience store poking holes in every bottle of blue Gatorade.

Turkey is recovering from a 6.0-magnitue earthquake. Pat Robertson says it’s God’s way of punishing Turkey for taking Jesus out of Thanksgiving.

Apple aired its first iPad commercial during the 2010 Oscars telecast. Based on what’s available on it so far, it’s already qualified to host the show next year.

Sarah Palin now admits she used to sneak across the border to get treatment from Canada's single-payer system. After the first few times she did it, her insurance refused to cover her injuries from constantly stabbing herself with a pen while dotting the ‘I’ on her hand notes.

North Korea's army leaders say they’re ready to “blow up” South Korea and the U.S for conducting military drills in South Korea. They’re just waiting for the order from Kim Jung Il, who’s busy blowing up his inflatable dates.

A high school English teacher in New Hampshire is in trouble for sexting naked pictures of herself to one of her male students. You could tell she’s an English teacher because she was holding a book by Chaucer over her Canterbury “tail.”

In her latest explanation for writing notes on her hand, Sarah Palin claims the Bible says that God did it first. That means the only thing God created before the pen was light so He could see what He was writing.

The Florida Highway Patrol says a two-vehicle crash in Cudjoe Key was caused by a motorist trying to shave her private parts while driving. She was arrested and take to the DMV – the Department of Mowing Vaginas.

Outgoing Democratic Representative Eric Massa of New York is so mad at White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel that he referred to him in an interview as “the son of the devil's spawn.” He’s already being recruited to write campaign literature for the Republican Party.

Republican State Senator Roy Ashburn of California, a fierce opponent of gay rights who was arrested last week for drunk driving after leaving a gay nightclub, now admits he’s gay. Just another Republican politician dancing at a gay nightclub in order to put more “hip” in “hypocrite.”

Jehovah’s Winstonless

2010-03-05T16:05:00.000-06:00

After Liz Cheney called Department of Justice attorneys terrorist sympathizers for defending Gitmo detainees, a conservative blogger compared her to Joseph McCarthy. If she’s cold, stiff and manipulated by her father, wouldn’t she be more like Charlie McCarthy?

Two New York City police officers are charged with robbing about $1 million of perfume from a New Jersey warehouse. The perfume caper is already being worked into a new cop show called “Law and Order: Smelly Victims Unit.”

A group of U.S. doctors says it wants to replace the popular food pyramid with a Power Plate because “People eat from plates, not pyramids.” This is bad news for restaurants in Egypt because they make a fortune off of American tourists who get hungry on pyramid tours.

Twitter reached its 10 billionth tweet this week. The site was then swamped with 10 billion more tweets asking, “Was it me?”

Three quarters of the British actors surveyed say London’s theaters have a severe rat problem. It’s so bad, the most popular play in production is now called “Vermin of the Opera.”

British researchers have found that frozen vegetables have more nutrients than fresh vegetables if they are frozen soon after being picked. Young British boys are waiting to find out if this is also true for boogers.

In Philadelphia, a door-to-door counseling program is helping new moms cut down on smoking. The door-to-door anti-smoking program is run by a religious group called the Jehovah’s Winstonless.

General Motors announced it will reinstate more than half the dealerships it targeted to drop from its network. The 600 dealerships are the ones across the street from Toyota dealerships.

A Western Massachusetts funeral home is trying “bring life” to its business with a chili cook-off, a murder-mystery show and free limo rides to couples on their 50th anniversaries. Because nothing says “life” like a ride in a black limo with the lights on.

As part of her campaign against childhood obesity, First Lady Michelle Obama kicked soccer balls with kids at a school in Washington. Just like when they were dating, her husband was under the bleachers sneaking a cigarette.

President Obama's newly released medical report reveals he’s taking a prescription medication for jet lag. It’s different than the prescription President Bush followed to fight jet lag, which was to stay home.

Small, medium and Alexander

2010-03-04T15:27:00.002-06:00

Sarah Palin is in L.A. with the creator of “Survivor” to pitch a reality show about Alaska. She’d have better luck with a game show called “Are You Smarter Than A Former Governor of Alaska?”

A kosher supermarket in the Baltimore area will become the largest in the U.S when it moves into the site of a former Safeway store. If you get lost in it, don’t ask for directions from any store clerk named Moses.

A company has developed a device called the “Porn Detection Stick” that will search the images on your computer and produce a report of suspected pornography. If you can’t afford $98.95, you can get the same report just by letting your wife use your PC.

A New Zealand inventor built a 60-miles-an-hour hovercraft out of parts from his barbecue, his daughter's scooter, and his wife’s car. He got the idea when he put too much lighter fluid on his barbecue that was in between his daughter’s scooter and his wife’s car.

A pilot suspected of flying with a fake license for more than a decade was arrested in the Netherlands shortly before he was scheduled to depart on a flight carrying 101 passengers. Luckily for the passengers, it was “Take you child to work day” at the airport and his 8-year-old son took over the controls.

More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were discovered by an archeologist in northern Syria. They were found inside an early vending machine offering coffee in three sizes: small, medium and Alexander.

Scientists at Cornell say they've discovered a protein that disrupts a mosquito’s ability to urinate. It won’t kill the mosquito but it keeps them up all night so they’re too tired to bite.

A toy company is marketing a product in England that allows dog owners to receive messages from their pets via Twitter. Dogs never use all 140 characters since their most popular message is “P!”

A New York woman is suing a wig store claiming that a falling mannequin head injured her foot and her husband is suing the same store claiming the injury ruined his sex life. I don’t know what she did with her foot, but I can see why he’s probably having a hard time doing it himself.

Warner Bros. studio is working on a movie adaptation of the 1960s television sit-com “Gilligan's Island” that will be set in the present day. The writers are waiting to see who gets cast as Ginger and Maryanne before deciding whether Gilligan wants to be rescued or not.

Despite the fact that a Kentucky psychiatrist is in jail charged with stabbing a female patient with a sword, some of his other patients keep showing up trying to see him. They think the stabbing was a one-time thing, kind of a Freudian slit.