Thursday, May 17, 2012

RNC Announces New Fall Schedule

RNC Announces New Fall Schedule

In anticipation of winning both the White House and Congress in November and finally having the mandate to shut down the liberal media and its preponderance of man-dating-man shows, the Republican National Committee has announced its new fall schedule of television programs. While Fox News will become the nation’s only news channel, all programming on the Fox Network will be replaced with these shows as punishment for cancelling “24” and allowing Adam Lambert to almost win “American Idol.”

The Big Bank Theory
Four young investment bankers can’t get dates because they spend all of their time getting rich by buying up and liquidating online dating services. For fun, they dress up as their favorite characters from “Wall Street” and fight over who gets to be the Halliburton CEO in “World of Warcraft.”

Extreme Makeover: Gay Edition
Produced by Mitt Romney and Marcus Bachmann, the newest edition of the Extreme Makeover franchise has macho construction workers luring poor long-haired gays into rundown homes where they cut off their hair and scare them straight by making them lie in the driveway while one yells “Move that bus!”

Celebrity Whatever
Hosted by Kirk Cameron, Celebrity Whatever pits liberal Hollywood celebrities against each other doing whatever until they are voted off one-by-one by judges Chuck Norris, Victoria Jackson and Ted Nugent. When none are left, they award the trophy posthumously to Ronald Reagan.

Two and a half Minorities
An African-American, a Mexican-American and a half-Asian-American live in an expensive home in Malibu using food stamps, welfare checks and unemployment payments. An elderly white liberal woman adopts them so they can sponge off of her medical insurance while she deducts them on her tax return.

Welcome Back, Mother
A home-schooled woman goes back to the old house where she was home-schooled by her mother and takes over the education of four unruly and uneducated liberal children who were just like her before her mother beat some sense into her with a bible and Fun With Dick and Jane. Counts as three credits towards your home school diploma.

America's Funniest Homeland Videos
Spying on your liberal neighbors was never easier or more fun. Tell them they can win $1000 and they’ll let you videotape them doing anything – from tripping over the copier while making counterfeit food stamps in their basement to dressing up like Siamese twins and voting twice.

Parks and Frackreation
The parks director of a small Southern town discovered she can get $500 million in government funding by letting an oil company drill for natural gas in the city’s only park. The entire city moves to Beverly Hills with the swimming pools and movie stars.

Each week, the glee club at Ronald Reagan High performs a concert of original songs written to humiliate some heathen, abominable, America-hating liberal school organization, student or faculty member and cause them to flee the campus. Guest appearances by Ted Nugent, Toby Keith and Beach Geezer Bruce Johnston.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Best Location In The Universe?

“3-2-1 liftoff! We have liftoff and Astronaut John Glenn is on his way to save our country from the evil Soviet monsters who want to take us over and make us drive ugly cars and wear big fur hats made from our own dogs!” OK, that may not be exactly how it went, but that’s the way I remember feeling as we listened to the historic mission on the radio in elementary school. We knew it was an historic event because nothing less than that would convince the nuns to skip arithmetic and let us listen to the radio in class. Oh, there was a promise once that we could listen if the Indians were in the world series but we know how that ended.

The celebration of the 50th anniversary of Glenn’s flight and how it truly changed our country and our town got me thinking about a more recent event – Newt Gingrich’s promise to establish a base on the moon if he’s elected president. I know this was more likely Newt’s way of distracting us from his two ex-wives and his current standing in the polls, but if it really was a possibility, it could be key to returning Cleveland to glory. And no, I’m not high on Tang. Hear me out.

What if Cleveland volunteered to move to the moon? Everything – lock, stock and beer barrel polka packed up and shipped to the lunar surface. Think of the jobs, think of the excitement, think of the chance to lose weight without dieting! We have the skilled labor force to build the ships and we’re used to holding our breath for long periods of time – have you watched the Cavs play lately? We know how to rejuvenate neighborhoods. That half of the moon that never sees the sun? We’ll get people to go there by putting a fresh food emporium there – the Dark Side Market. We can do this!

The benefits to becoming the Lunar City (Clevemoon? Lunarland? We’ll need to hold a contest) are enormous. Let’s start with the money we’ll save. If we leave now, we won’t have to finish the Innerbelt bridge. Better yet, we can start over and leave behind all of those things that have haunted us and taunted us – Pittsburgh, LeBron, the burning river, Dimora, Pittsburgh, the Fumble, Michigan, 10-cent beer night, Pittsburgh, Art Modell, did I mention Pittsburgh? Oh, and don’t forget the weather. The moon is covered with lakes and not one of them has a “lake effect.” The lunar rovers have been parked there for decades and there’s not a speck of rust on them. You’ll be able to take the kids to Lunar Point all year round.

If that’s not enough, here’s the ultimate incentive. By moving Cleveland to the moon, we guarantee championships for the Browns, the Indians and the Cavs. Our teams will win every game by forfeit, thus giving us new sports traditions, highlights and records we can be proud of. Thousand yard field goals! Four-hundred-foot-high alley-oops! No, LeBron, you can’t come back!

In honor of the men who inspired this idea, I propose we make John Glenn the first and oldest mayor on the moon and Newt Gingrich the first former House Speaker on the moon. Sorry, John Boehner, maybe you can get the Tang endorsement.

It’s time for Cleveland to take the title that’s rightfully ours … the best location in the universe. We can do this!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Greyhound One

According to a new book, the British had a plan during the Second World War to turn Hitler into a woman by secretly putting female sex hormones in his food. Bad plan. The only thing worse than Hitler is Hitler with PMS.

The makers of Spanx have a line of figure-changing boxer shorts that are supposed to suck in beer bellies, lift up sagging butts and smooth out spare tires. If you wonder where the fat goes, they come with a warning not to put them on before taking off your baseball cap.

Ukraine’s environmental minister has banned restaurants from giving vodka to caged bears as a form of entertainment. Not only is it bad for the bears, it’s a waste of good vodka, according to Ukraine’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Alcohol.

With his approval rating below 40 percent for the first time, President Obama is visiting three states by bus. Nothing brings confidence that our leader will fix our economic problems like watching him step off of Greyhound One.

Republican presidential hopefuls Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann appeared at the same event in Iowa without acknowledging each other’s presence. They were practicing for when they’re out campaigning and meet poor people.

Warren Buffett says in a New York Times opinion piece that billionaires like himself should pay more in taxes. Wrong place. If he wants other billionaires to read it, he should write it on the back of a senator.

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources says the invasive species known as Asian carp have been found in the Wisconsin River. Governor Scott Walker plans to stop the carp by passing a bill making it illegal for them to organize in schools.

Ron Paul says his second place finish in the Iowa straw poll with 4,671 votes shows he’s a valid candidate for president. If that’s the case, so is every kid who finished second in the high school senior class election.

Sara Lee and Kraft foods are in court fighting over whether Ball Park Franks or Oscar Meyer are the nation’s top hot dogs. No matter which one wins, we hate both of them for reminding us of Anthony Weiner.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Watch as she flies by

Malaysian radio stations worried about listeners being offended by some lyrics in Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” have been replacing them with indecipherable garble. The move backfired as Malaysians are now calling Gaga the next Bob Dylan.

Police in Malaysia have recovered about 700,000 condoms that were stolen while being shipped two months ago. The six condom thieves are now in jail where they’re getting no pleasure from being ribbed.

Darren Taylor, who calls himself Professor Splash, has broken his own world shallow water diving record by diving from a 36-foot tower into a wading pool filled with 12 inches of water. He’s been doing it for so long, he travels around the world by shipping himself in a large envelope.

A commemorative mug celebrating the upcoming Royal wedding is now a collector’s item because it has a picture of Prince Harry, the brother of future groom Prince William. It’s the perfect mug for hot drinks because Kate Middleton looks really steamed.

A contestant on “Thailand's Got Talent” shocked audiences by revealing herself as a male-to-female transgender when her soprano voice changed to tenor midway through her performance. One frustrated judge couldn’t decide whether to call the singer “Dawg” or “Cat.”

Donald Trump says he would spend up to $600 million of his own money on a presidential campaign if he decides to run in 2012. It would be more but taxpayers will foot the bill for Secret Service protection for his hair.

A Republican state representative in Texas has introduced a bill that would establish new workplace protections for proponents of creationism or other alternate theories of the origination and development of organisms. Unfortunately, Texas offers no such protection for proponents of the Hawaiian origination and development of President Obama.

First lady Michelle Obama is writing a book about her White House garden and the benefits of healthy eating. This will be the first book written by a First Lady that actually digs up some dirt.

Singer LeAnn Rimes says people worried about recent photos of her looking extremely thin should come see how she looks in person. Or better yet, look out the window during a strong wind and watch as she flies by.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, to whom history is a mystery, proudly states that she homeschooled her five children and 23 foster children. This explains why many of them come to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as Founding Fathers.

Republican Congressman Virgil Peck of Kansas claims he was just joking when he suggested that illegal immigration could be controlled with gunmen shooting from helicopters. Since he still has his job, Congress might be a new career opportunity for Gilbert Gottfried.

Despite what’s happening in Japan, House Republicans are still defending cuts to foreign aid and ocean safety in their budget proposals. Before they vote on it, let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora.

According to a new poll, for the first time ever the number of people who say they get their news online is greater than those who get it from newspapers. Newspapers are hoping to regain readers by adding a new section devoted to pictures of kittens.

Since the Amish don’t like to be photographed, Amish gun-owners in Illinois are upset about a new rule requiring photos to be on gun-owner ID cards. They’re warning this could cause a rise in serial sickle-killers.

A boa constrictor being held by a female model in Israel died after biting the woman’s silicone breast. An autopsy was performed on the snake to determine how it was able to bite and smile at the same time.

A racetrack in England is selling designer boots made in the shape of horses’ hooves. The first thing women ask the salesman after putting them on is, “Do these shoes make my butt look fast?”

A 13-year-old Ohio boy has launched his own line of scented candles called Mancans that are designed for men, with fragrances like bacon, pizza, sawdust and the smell of a new leather baseball mitt. They’re selling so well, he’s planning to open his own store called Bees, Beer and Beyond.

Alaska authorities say a 6-year-old Anchorage boy is doing better after being attacked by a moose while walking home from school. Sarah Palin blamed this on the Democrats and their push for public schools over home-schooling.

Despite winning the online poll, city fathers in Fort Wayne, Indiana, have decided not to name a new government building after a former mayor and call it the Harry Baals Government Center. Fans of Hairy Baals are hoping local construction picks up and they can use the name for a new erection.

Critics of a Nevada bill banning air fresheners and candles in public places say it will lead to smelly rooms and prohibit priests from using candles in Mass. Priests can get around the law by having the choir sing Freebird so parishioners will illuminate the church with lighters.

Monday, January 31, 2011

He’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes

The most unusual royal wedding souvenir so far is a memorial condom from Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction, which the package describes as being “lavishly lubed” and “regally ribbed.” If you think that’s tacky, those are also Kate and William’s nicknames for each other.

In Switzerland, a circus tightrope walker set a new world record by walking across a cable car wire nearly two miles above the ground. From that altitude, the Swiss army looks like a little knife.

Doctors in Warsaw say a drunk man found lying on a frozen park bench in his underwear in below-freezing weather survived because his blood alcohol level was nearly 30 times the legal limit for driving. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – tipsy.

A crematorium in Crestone, Colorado, is the only one in the nation offering funeral pyres - open-air cremations for people regardless of religion. Many families also request a walk through a nearby swamp after the funeral pyre, but the director says there’s no time to wallow in the mire.

The popularity of the HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" about Prohibition-era Atlantic City has prompted many casinos and hotels there to take on a 1920’s look. It’s the same thing that happened in Washington after the Republicans took control of the House.

The White House kicked off “Startup America,” a national campaign to promote entrepreneurship across the country. The European Union has a similar campaign to promote European businesses called “Shut up, America.”

KEE Action Sports LLC of New Jersey is recalling 1,400 paintball guns because they could injure the user or the person they’re pointed at. The aluminum paintball guns will be replaced with safer ones made from irony.

Sarah Palin says she thinks a rumored media boycott of her is good because then she won't get “blamed” for the uprising in Egypt. On the other hand, she’d love to helicopter over Cairo and shoot one of them sphinxes.

British actor Henry Cavill has been selected for the title role in the next Superman film. I’m not sure American audiences will flock to see the Man of Steel wearing a cape and a cane.

House Speaker John Bohener says he’s not going to apologize for crying and he wants people to stop picking on him for smoking. Well, at least he’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Unicorn tortillas

Kate Middleton has quit her day job working as a web designer to focus on her upcoming marriage to Prince William. She didn’t want to quit, but it was easier than trying to explain to Wills what a “job” was.

Bristol Palin says she’s received a job offer to co-host a radio show in her new home state of Arizona. You can tell she’s a Palin because she’s looking forward to showing listeners the new dance steps she’s learned.

Former Republican Senator George Allen says he made up the word “macaca” that cost him the Virginia election in 2006. And if you don’t believe him, he says you’re a midiot.

A married Canadian man is making a documentary about his trip around the world with six life-size sex dolls for company. I don’t want to give away the ending, but it involves his wife, the sex dolls, sled dogs and six Lady Gaga meat dresses.

Before it was removed, the hottest video on YouTube showed a man filming himself lying on railroad tracks while a train passes over him. It was replaced with a video shot by a witness onboard called “Throw-up Mama From The Train.”

A woman named Kate Middleton was kicked off Facebook for having the same name as Prince William's fiancée. To get her account back and keep from being harassed by fans of the royal family, she’s changing her name top Camilla Parker-Bowles.

A town council in England is in trouble for plans to use its crematorium furnace to heat a swimming pool. They didn’t think any pool users would notice since you don’t feel the crematorium heat until you’re six feet under.

Some public restrooms in Tokyo are offering video games called Toylets with eye-level screens which are controlled by the aim and pressure of the player’s stream of urine. Those with prostate problems can play Gland Theft Auto.

A California company is working on a line of medical marijuana soft drinks with names like Canna Cola and Doc Weed. You can’t overdose but if you start to feel sluggish, the company recommends switching to 7-Uppers.

The owner of Boca Tacos and Tequila in Tuscon, Arizona, has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in his tacos. Serving up endangered species hasn’t been a good idea since a medieval restaurant started offering unicorn tortillas.