Thursday, May 28, 2009

Slumdog torturer

Freddie Prinze Jr. and Anil Kapoor have joined the cast of “24.” Prinze reportedly will play a Marine who wants to follow in the footsteps of Jack Bauer and Kapoor will play a man who works his way up from the bottom to become a slumdog torturer.

Some rare photos of President Obama as a student at Occidental College are about to be made public by the female student who took them. You can tell he’s destined to become president because the young Obama appears to be reading the words “Say cheese” from a teleprompter.

In an upcoming interview in GQ, Levi Johnston, ex-boyfriend of Bristol Palin and father of her child, claims that her dad Todd offered to buy his daughter a car if she would break up him. What’s even more surprising, her mom offered her two cars during the campaign if she’d say the baby was John Edwards’.

Time Warner is dumping AOL after spending nearly 10 years trying to build a new media empire. The new CEO will try to return the company to its glory days as America Online before Time Warner turned AOL into LOL.

In a video he posted on YouTube, Chris Brown tells his fans he's “not a monster” while he appears to be standing inside a bowling alley. He’d be more believable if the bowling pins weren’t decorated with little pictures of Rihanna.

The late comedian Bob Hope is being honored with a postage stamp commemorating his travels to entertain American troops around the world. Unlike Bob’s television specials, the stamps are expected to be cancelled.

The British are upset with the French failing to invite Queen Elizabeth II to Normandy for next week's 65th anniversary of the Allied landings on D-Day. The queen is the only living world leader to have served in World War II, although Dick Cheney claims he gave atomic wedgies to German kids in his kindergarten class.

Sara Jane Moore, the woman who fired a gun at President Gerald Ford in 1975 and spent the next 32 years in prison, says she believed the country would change only through a violent revolution. Now she realizes she would have been more successful had she put on a wig and done Ford-falling-down impressions on Saturday Night Live.

A 66-year-old woman became England’s Britain's oldest mom after giving birth to a baby boy in Cambridge. Although she can’t sing, this immediately moves her into the lead on “Britain’s Got Talent.”

The belongings of the late mime Marcel Marceau sold for around $700,000 at auction in Paris. They could have gotten more, but Marceau’s will dictated that it be a silent auction.

The Illinois house that belonged to Ferris Bueller’s friend Cameron's family in the 1986 movie “Ferris Bueller's Day Off” is for sale for $2.3 million. During a special open house, Ferrari owners can pay a dollar to come in and spit on it.

Karl Rove claims that Sonia Sotomayor would not be the first Hispanic to serve on the Supreme Court because Justice Benjamin Cardozo, appointed by Herbert Hoover, was part Portuguese. Even former President George W. Bush knows that they’re not the same, especially after once asking Alberto Gonzalez to make him a Portuguese omelet.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wipe

President Barack Obama says that his Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, is "an inspiring woman." Republicans can’t wait to start the grilling and turn her into a “perspiring woman.

If confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor would be the nation's first Hispanic Supreme Court justice. You can tell she’s Hispanic because every time Republicans say her name, their faces look like they’re suffering from Montezuma’s revenge.

A craps player in Atlantic City set a new record for the longest craps roll, winning on 154 consecutive rolls of the dice for four hours and 18 minutes at the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa. That makes it the longest official crap shoot. The longest unofficial crap shoot is still the war in Iraq.

A Japanese publisher is offering a horror novel printed on a roll of toilet paper for peop[le who can’t go unless they have the you-know-what scared out of them. I think it’s called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wipe.

A stamp collector in Germany has discovered a rare stamp showing movie star Audrey Hepburn smoking - one of a series that was supposed to have been destroyed by the German government. Being a typical stamp collector, he nearly ruined the stamp by licking the side with Audrey’s picture on it.

After giving one last concert, rapper T.I. arrived at a prison in Arkansas to begin serving a year and a day for trying to buy unregistered machine guns and silencers. Once he completes his sentence, he has the option of entering a halfway house or appearing on “Dancing With The Stars.”

North Korea is ignoring warnings from the rest of the world and firing more short-range missiles. President Obama checked a file former President George W. Bush left him on dealing with North Korea, but all it had was a DVD of the first season of “M.A.S.H.”

Red Bull Cola, a different product than the Red Bull energy drink, has been banned in six German states after scientific study found it contains trace amounts of cocaine. They got suspicious when grocery stores began noticing the 10-items-or-less lines clogged with people buying a six-pack and four straws.

A group of laid-off Russian flight attendants are on a hunger strike to obtain back wages owed to them. The strike could go on for a while because flight attendants know all kinds of places to stash little bags of pretzels.

According to a new poll, American adults who exercise for 30 minutes at least two days per week feel more rested and have more energy than those who don't. Especially if you exercise in the office instead of working.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Help them download 'nrop'

A British scientist has developed a 3-D computer program that may help people with dyslexia learn to read. Dyslexic guys also hope the computer program will help them download ‘nrop.’

Mary Kay Letourneau, who served 7 1/2 years in prison for having sex with the sixth-grade student who she eventually married, hosted a “Hot for Teacher” with her now 26-year-old spouse. Dozens of sixth-graders who showed up were disappointed to find out her “pencil-sharpening exhibition” wasn’t a double-entendre.

An openly gay sales rep from Corona, California, claims she had a lesbian relationship with Francine Coppola, the mother of Miss California, Carrie Prejean. Like daughter, like mother. Prejean’s mom claims she was just standing around when a gust of wind tore off her clothes and blew her into the woman’s hot tub.

In his commencement address at the U.S. Naval Academy, President Obama told the graduates he will only send them “into harm's way when it is absolutely necessary.” In his commencement rebuttal, former VP Dick Cheney told the graduates to start practicing carrying buckets of water.

The Interior Department announced that a new law allowing loaded guns in national parks and wildlife refuges will not take effect until next February. That hasn’t stopped Old Faithful from applying for a handgun permit to keep people in Yosemite Park from trying to pee on him again.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she won't talk any more about her charge that the CIA lied in 2002 about using waterboarding on terrorism suspects. When he heard that Pelosi stopped talking, Joe Biden said, “Oh, the humanity!”

A Wyoming man claims he saved his dog's life after sucking venom from a rattlesnake bite out of the animal's nose. The dog’s head had swelled up to three times its normal size and at first the owner wasn’t sure if it was from a snake bite or from him finally having sex with the cute poodle next door.

A 3-year-old girl in New Zealand used her mom’s computer to bid on and buy a real earthmover for $12,300. The mother thought it was an accident until she also got a bill for a 5,000-sqaure-foot sandbox.

American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert says he’s giving up musical theater to become a fulltime recording artist. This disappointed his millions of fans who were hoping to see him as Liza Minnelli in a revival of “Cabaret.”

On his web site, Clay Aiken says “American Idol” runner-up Adam Lambert’s rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” made his ears bleed. That prompted a call from Gene Simmons of KISS who asked Clay if he could teach him how to do that.

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will play the final concert in Giants Stadium before it’s torn down after the 2009 NFL season. If the stadium’s owners were smart, they’d book some of those really bad “American Idol” contestants and let fans tear the stadium down themselves by trying to claw their way out.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Dick Cheney’s new “green” bunker

Kris Allen is still shaking his head over his surprise victory on “American Idol” over the judges’ favorite, Adam Lambert. As a way of thanking the fan base who voted for him, Allen has scheduled an appearance on “Barney.”

An 11-year-old Utah boy tired to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by covering his face with 43 live snails. He hasn’t heard from Guinness yet, but the record facial escargot attempt has been condemned by People for the Ethical Treatment of Appetizers.

Police around the world are looking for two New Zealanders who allegedly took the money and ran after a bank mistakenly put $6.1 million into their account. The pair is suspected to be headed for Wall Street where they hope to be hidden by their own kind.

Scientists in Canada and China are using bile acids from human livers to make fillings for dental cavities. During tests of the liver bile fillings, four-out-of-five dentists surveyed recommended sugarless gum for patients who don’t want to get grossed out.

Astronauts onboard the international space station drank the first batch of water recycled from their urine, sweat and condensation from their breath. NASA is hoping to bottle the recycled urine and sell it under the brand name Pee-rier.

The North Dakota Department of Emergency Services estimates that 18 million sandbags were used throughout the state this year to prevent flooding. The bags are now being collected and shipped to Wyoming where they’ll be recycled into Dick Cheney’s new “green” bunker.

The actor who played the voice of Mickey Mouse in movies, TV shows and theme parks for 32 years has passed away. Anticipating huge crowds of mourners, Disney says that you must be at least four feet tall to attend his funeral.

California first lady Maria Shriver is following Michelle Obama’s example and planting the first vegetable garden on the Capitol grounds in Sacramento. When he saw the list of vegetables she was planting, husband Arnold crossed off one line and said, “Hasta la Beetsa, Baby.”

President Obama called and congratulated the crew of the space shuttle Atlantis for repairing the Hubble telescope, and then asked if they could see if anyone was mowing his lawn in Chicago. Dick Cheney immediately criticized the president for revealing to terrorists that astronauts in space can see them building bombs out of lawnmowers.

Michael Jackson has postponed the first four dates of his sold-out concert series scheduled to start in July in London. After watching the finals of “American Idol,” Michael has to rework his salute to Adam Lambert.

People who have seen the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games to be held in Vancouver, Canada, say it looks like a hand-rolled marijuana joint. That could explain why Michael Phelps has taken a sudden interest in underwater bobsledding.

NASA engineers have completed the first test of the Ares I rocket's three main parachutes, the largest parachutes ever made. These parachutes are so big, they may finally allow John Goodman to fulfill his dream to skydive.

Under a cloak of secrecy, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Oprah Winfrey, Ted Turner, Michael Bloomberg and other of the world's wealthiest people met recently in New York City. When he found out his name wasn’t on the list, Donald Trump called up Bill Gates and said, “You’re fired!”

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Get a piece of the Rolling Rock

After being cancelled by NBC, the psychic crime chow show “Medium” has been picked up by CBS. CBS picked it up because, even though its audience is small, Medium’s well done.

An international team of scientists has discovered a 47 million year old fossil that shows how primates began evolving into our earliest human ancestors. The first sign is that the fossil was holding a rock shaped like a gun.

Disgraced NFL star Michael Vick left a Kansas prison to begin home confinement in Virginia, where he’ll be allowed to leave only to work at a $10-an-hour job. So it looks like the NFL is letting him back to quarterback the Lions.

The owner of the Atlanta Falcons says Michael Vick has paid his debt to society and deserves a second chance. Vick is hoping to get back in shape by working out with any college team whose mascot isn’t a bulldog.

Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson was the surprise winner of “Dancing with the Stars” over the judges’ favorite, actor Gilles Marini. Gilles is hoping to take what he learned and pitch his own dance show to the network called “Steps and the City.”

The Senate is considering a $2 per case increase in the tax on beer to help pay for health insurance for uninsured Americans. Prudential plans to promote health insurance paid for by the beer tax as “getting a piece of the Rolling Rock.”

Police in Iowa City arrested a man who attempted to swallow a plastic bag of marijuana to avoid drug charges. The police station has been swamped with calls from dental hygienists offering to clean his teeth.,

According to a new study, the same part of the brain that makes us crave food and sex may also help determine whether somebody is a warm and fuzzy "people" person. If that’s the case, why isn’t Dick Cheney an anorexic bachelor?

An Oregon man who was arrested for walking out of jury duty told police he left the courthouse because he was “extremely bored.” Well, if he ends up fighting the charges and going to trial, at least he’ll get a jury of his peers.

The Oxygen network announced a new dance-and-weight loss show called "Dance Your Ass Off: The Weight is Over” hosted by Tony Award-winning actress and former "Dancing with the Stars" competitor Marissa Jaret Winokur. Now they’re looking for overweight contestants who want to work off the salsa with salsa.

Former child actor Mason Reese, best known for his Underwood Deviled Ham commercials in the 1970s, is opening a bar in New York called the Destination Bar and Grille. Former child stars can drink there free provided they bring proof their parents stole all of their money.

A New York man who purchased dentures for his business partner is accused of taking the false teeth back at gunpoint. The man was arrested after the partner with no teeth hired a gumshoe.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I’m a celebrity … yeah, right

MTV plans to air a new reality series called “16 & Pregnant” which will document the true stories of several pregnant teens. To protect the anonymity of one of the teens, the role of her mother will be played by Tina Fey.

According to his Democratic colleagues, Senator Edward Kennedy’s brain cancer is in remission and he is expected back in the Senate after the Memorial Day recess. This is doubly bad news for Republicans: Kennedy’s cancer is in remission while Dick Cheney is not.

The Senate voted 90-5 to pass a bill reining in credit card rate increases and excessive fees. There are some things money can’t buy, but the five senators who voted against it aren’t on that list.

The Federal Election Commission has dismissed a complaint over the $150,000 in designer clothing the Republican Party bought for vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. The ruling was delayed by lobbyists for Saturday Night Live who wanted to slip a few more Sarah Palin wardrobe jokes in last weekend’s season-ending show.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced that the U.S. is sending $110 million in emergency humanitarian aid to Pakistan. If she was smart, she’d give it to them in the form of T-shirts with Osama bin Laden’s wanted poster and reward printed on them.

Vice President Joe Biden is on a tour of the Balkans. He’s there to reassure them that if they behave, President Obama won’t send him back there.

Authorities in China shut down that country’s first sex amusement park – which featured statues of giant genitals and a photo gallery on the history of sex – before it even opened. The giant genitals have been moved to the site of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games where they will be made into a statue of Michael Phelps.

It appears Patti Blagojevich, wife of the ex-Illinois governor, will take his place on the reality show “I'm a celebrity ... Get me out of here” to help pay his legal bills. Because she’s filling in for Rod, the show may have to change its name to “I’m a celebrity … yeah, right.”

Judges in Poland awarded more in damages to celebrities whose naked photos showed up in tabloids than to a person for injuries suffered in a car accident. The biggest award went to Miss Warsaw for an embarrassing photo that she claims happened when her top was blown off just as she was doing a commercial for a brand of Polish sausage.

No one is confirming that Vice President Joe Biden was right when he said Dick Cheney’s secret bunker is in the basement of the Naval Observatory in Washington, the home of the vice president and his family. Cheney himself denies it and says the only reason that room looks like it does s because he used to turn it into a Halloween haunted house for his grandkids.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Write “Braveheart” on the board 100 times

Hundreds of people gathered at Liverpool Cathedral in England to hear John Lennon's anti-religion anthem "Imagine" played on its bells. This was a one-time performance and the pastor has already turned down a request from Mick Jagger to play “Sympathy for the Devil.”

Billionaire Richard Branson announced plans to launch an internet bank as part of his Virgin Money subsidiary. The tough part is figuring out how to get searches for “Virgin Money” to stop bringing up escort services.

According to a new study in Australia, tall people earn higher wages than their height-challenged counterparts. Big deal. That’s misleading because, when you factor out basketball players, the only time tall people make more than shorter people is during cherry-picking season.

A politician in the Philippines threatened Alec Baldwin with violence over a joke he told on “The Late Show with David Letterman” about getting a Filipino mail-order bride. The Philippines has a law against mail-order brides, but the big money these days is in mail-order grooms for same-sex marriages.

Woody Allen agreed to a $5 million settlement from American Apparel for using an image from “Annie Hall” of him as a rabbi without his permission. Woody plans to use the money to do a film about the case called “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Shmucks But Were Afraid To Ask.

“Sex and the City” actress has confirmed she’s engaged to her partner, Christine Marinoni. All she would say about their relationship is that their “Mr. Big” takes six D-cell batteries.

Caroline Kennedy denies claims in a new book that she ended her quest for the Senate because her kids and husband complained she was becoming an angry, intense person. On the other hand, that’s the reason why Bill Clinton encouraged Hillary to run for the Senate.

In Florida, the alleged madam of an $8.5 million celebrity Internet call girl service cut a plea bargain to reduce her punishment to probation, fines and house arrest. She also agreed to turn over her little black book after blacking out any customer names who requested girls wearing nothing but judges’ robes.

Legendary comedian Jerry Lewis will play his first leading role in more than 25 years in a new movie drama called “Max Rose.” Jerry took the serious part after reading in the script that the leading man gets to shoot a guy just for saying “Hey Lady!”

A Utah school district ordered a principal to apologize after he ordered a 14-year-old to change out of the kilt he wore for a school project because it could be considered cross-dressing. The principal also had to stay after school and write “Braveheart” on the board 100 times.

Mel Gibson has told his family that his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva is pregnant with his child. Mel’s wife has filed for divorce but they’re still married, which means a movie of this would be called “The Passion of the Tryst.”

Sunday, May 17, 2009

National Organization of Whinnies

Rachel Alexandra is the first filly in 85 years to win Preakness Stakes, the second leg of horse racing’s Triple Crown. She’s the toast of the filly branch of NOW: the National Organization of Whinnies.

In her debut as a commencement speaker, First lady Michelle Obama told graduating seniors at UC Merced to give back to their communities. Being typical seniors, they can start by giving back all the furniture they took from their dorm rooms.

President Barack Obama was a soccer dad over the weekend as he watched daughters Malia and Sasha play in separate soccer games. He only embarrassed the girls once … when he stood behind their opponents’ goal, forcing Secret Service agents to stand in front and throw themselves in front of incoming shots.

Police in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, say a 17-year-old tried to rob a store with a banana and then ate before they got there. Although it wasn’t a real gun, the NRA plans to help him a-peel the charge.

A woman in Canada was handcuffed and detained for disobeying a police officer's order to hold the rail on an escalator in the Montreal Metro. If the escalators in Montreal are as slow as the ones in New York, she probably thought she was on a stairway.

“The Producers,” a musical about a musical named “Springtime for Hitler,” opened for the first time in Berlin to enthusiastic audiences. To be on the safe side, theater-goers were searched for guns, protest signs and pads for taking notes.

Artist Antony Gormley wants to have 2,400 people pose as living statues in London's Trafalgar Square for his next exhibit. How do you get 2,400 people in England to stand still for an hour? Tell them they’re in line for free tea and crumpets.

About 15,000 Fiat workers marched in Turin, Italy, to demand job guarantees if the company merges with Chrysler and Opel. The Fiat workers were supposed to carry picket signs, but nails rusted and the signs fell apart.

According to a study conducted at the University of Florida, good-looking people make more money, are better educated and feel more confident that plain-looking people. As proof, the scientists who conducted the study refused to put their pictures on it.

British pest-control experts say the country’s poison-resistant rat population has risen to an estimated 80 million -- an increase of more than 200 percent since 2007. What’s the big surprise? They’ve had to build up a resistance to poison because even rats won’t eat English food.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Screwball Essence

General Motors announced it is dropping 1,100 dealers across the U.S. Former GM car salesmen were spotted on street corners holding signs reading “Will work for food – all makes, all models”

President Barack Obama welcomed the 2008 World Series Champion Philadelphia Phillies to the White House. He’s not really a baseball fan, but he can’t smoke in the White House and was hoping the players would spot him some chewing tobacco.

U.S. health experts say that breastfeeding mothers who smoke marijuana pass the drug to their babies through the milk. You know there’s a problem when your baby’s first word is “Dude.”

The soap opera “All My Children” received nominations for 19 Daytime Emmy Awards. That includes one for outstanding daytime drama and one for the most people asking if it was still on.

Hollywood producer Jon Peters says his upcoming tell-all book will reveal that his ex-girlfriend Barbra Streisand had affairs with Robert Redford, Ryan O'Neal and Kris Kristofferson. All three actors say they’re available if Streisand wants to do a farewell tour.

A 104-year-old woman in England is a Twitter user and claims to be the oldest Tweeter in Britain. She’s also the first Tweeter know to have fallen asleep in the middle of typing 140 characters.

An America soldier serving in Afghanistan is a celebrity after he was photographed fighting Taliban forces while wearing only his boxer shorts, which are pink and say “I Love NY.” The pink boxers have been confiscated but the soldir won’t be reprimanded because of the Army’s “Don’t ask, don’t smell” policy regarding underwear.

Police in Wisconsin arrested a man for allegedly biting off part of another man's ear during an argument. Ironically, the argument was over whether they should go see the new movie about Mike Tyson.

An Illinois company is marketing “Blago It's Bleep'n Golden Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner” inspired by former Governor Rod Blagojevich. If you ask me, a more appropriate name for a Blagojevich shampoo would be “Screwball Essence.”

A stripper in a New York peep show called the police after a customer paid her with counterfeit $10 bills. She knew they were fake because the picture of Alexander Hamilton winked just before entering her g-string.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hard time finding low-fat dinosaurs

First-season “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch has been moved to a halfway house from the federal prison where he was serving time for failing to pay taxes. Officials at the house had to explain to Hatch that ‘halfway’ doesn’t mean he can walk around with his pants halfway down.

A Christian media watchdog group called The Resistance is planning to have members disrupt screenings of the film "Angels & Demons" by shouting at theater audiences. As opposed to fans of the movie who will be shouting out warnings for Tom Hanks to watch for the priest with the gun.

Ty Inc., the company that makes Beanie Babies, says its version of Bo the White House dog is selling fast. The dolls are tough to find because Republicans are going into toy stores and hiding Bo behind G.I. Joe boxes.

Researchers say a sexually suggestive Venus figurine with oversized breasts and thighs that dates back at least 35,000 years shows that ancient humans were thinking about sex. Either that or it shows that prehistoric women had a hard time finding low-fat dinosaurs.

Universal Pictures has hired Martin Scorsese to direct a film about Frank Sinatra. If it’s a typical Scorsese film, it will probably be called “I Hit Him My Way.”

Robin Williams says he’s recovered from heart surgery and will resume his one-man comedy show starting September 30. In the meantime, he’s checking back into the hospital to get an hour of new material on heart surgery.

Comedian Wanda Sykes and her wife Alex are the proud parents of twins, a son and a daughter born to Alex. The announcement was followed by a call from Rush Limbaugh who said he hopes the babies fail potty training.

A McDonald's in Alabama had to remove Kidz Bop CDs from the store's Happy Meals after some parents complained they could hear an obscenity in a song. Funny, the same parents didn’t see anything obscene in the list of ingredients for the rest of the Happy Meal.

According to a study on death and dying, obituary photographs of women are showing the deceased at a much younger age than when they died. Families that can’t find pictures of the deceased at a younger age are turning to a new service called the Grim Photoshopper.

A suburban Detroit 18-year-old pleaded guilty to lighting a man's pants on fire and causing a third-degree burn to his groin. The judge agreed to dismiss the charge if the teen successfully completes probation and promises not to sell the idea to Steve-O.

Chrysler announced it will eliminate 25 percent of its U.S. dealerships. A spokesperson for the company said he would check with his manger and see if he could knock off another 5 percent from the total.

Pfizer Inc. says it will provide 70 of its most widely prescribed prescription drugs - including Lipitor and Viagra - for free to people who have lost their jobs and health insurance. Unemployed men who have an erection for more than four hours after taking Viagra are instructed to apply for a job as a porn actor.

President Obama gave the commencement address at Arizona State University in spite of not receiving an honorary degree. He didn’t seem too upset, although at one point he accidentally referred to the dean’s mortarboard as a waterboard.

Police in Colorado are looking for a man they’re calling the “Nicotine Ninja” because he’s stolen $120,000 worth of cigarettes while dressed from head to toe in black. If he smokes all of those cigarettes himself, they’ll soon be looking for the Short-of-Breath Samurai.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Drinking while Amish

In Maine, a 500-pound moose was killed when it apparently leaped a guardrail on a freeway overpass and dropped 18 feet. Upon hearing that a moose fell from the sky to its death rather than waiting to be shot from a helicopter, a distraught Sarah Palin cried, “Oh, the humanity!”

An Ohio judge sentenced former NBA player Corie Blount to a year in prison for drug possession, rejecting Blount’s claim that the 29 pounds of marijuana he had were for personal use. Investigators determined that a photo of Blount, Michael Phelps and a 12-foot-long bong were Photoshopped.

In downtown San Jose, California, an office worker cleaning out a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so foul that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and forced an evacuation of the building. Everyone left except that one creepy guy every office has who checked the lunch bags for anything edible.

Sarah Palin has signed a deal with Harper Collins to publish her memoirs. Pain’s advance was not disclosed, but it’s expected to include a budget for the designer clothes she says she needs to wear to help her remember the campaign.

President and Mrs. Obama actors, poets and writers at the White House for an evening of music, modern poetry and readings from Shakespeare. The only time Shakespeare was ever quoted in the White House during the Bush administration was when the torture memos were uncovered and Dick Cheney told President Bush that the first thing they needed to do was kill all of the lawyers.

Police in Leon, New York, ticketed a 17-year-old Amish youth for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy. He was charged with breaking two seldom-used local laws: buggying while intoxicated and drinking while Amish.

Police responding to a burglar alarm call at the L.A. home of Lindsey Lohan determined that the mess they found was caused not by burglars but by Lohan’s lifestyle. They believe the burglar alarm was tripped by a maid banging her head against the wall.

The online classified ads service Craigslist is dropping its “erotic services” that many say is a front for prostitution. It will be replaced by an “adult” category that will be a front for couples over 18 to hook up and exchange gifts at cheap hotels.

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered General Mills to stop making unauthorized claims about the heart-related benefits of Cheerios. It can still claim that a plastic bag full of Cheerios is Prozac for toddlers.

The man who shot Pope John Paul II says he wants to convert to Christianity in a ceremony at the Vatican when he’s released from prison in January. He’d better think twice. Pope Benedict has Vatican lawyers checking to see if he can replace the baptismal font with a waterboarding tub.

Doctors in the Houston area say the power outage that followed Hurricane Ike last year seems to have caused a miniature baby boom. Instead of spanking the hurricane babies, delivery room doctors get them crying by turning on the Weather Channel.

Researchers in Belgium have determined that, when used properly, vibration plate exercise machines can help people lose weight and reduce belly fat. You can tell you’re using the vibration plate properly if you’re sweating instead of moaning.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Press-on vampire teeth

Simon Cowell told Oprah that he thinks Adam Lambert will win “American Idol” because “He’s got swagger.” This means that after Lambert wins, he’ll celebrate by landing on an aircraft carrier under a banner that reads “Idol Accomplished.”

A St. Louis beauty salon owner found the script for the sequel to the movie “Twilight” in a trash container and decided to return it to the studio instead of selling it to the highest bidder. As a reward, she’ll be invited to the movie’s premiere and her salon gets first rights to market a new line of press-on vampire teeth.

Dick Cheney’s daughter Liz says her father’s defense of torture after leaving office is the same as Al Gore’s fight against global warming after he left the vice presidency. The main difference is that Gore doesn’t try to get people to change their minds about global warming by leaving them tied to a tree in the hot sun.

Miss USA pageant owner Donald Trump says Miss California Carrie Pejean can keep her title even though she failed to reveal she had posed topless in her underwear. Prejean says that Satan made her do it, which is also the Donald’s latest excuse for his hair.

NASA scientists are trying to figure out how to get the Mars rover Spirit out of some loose dirt it’s stuck in. NASA engineers looking for a solution have stopped watching “The Right Stuff” and switched to “Talladega Nights.”

The former Roman Catholic archbishop of Milwaukee who resigned in 2002 has revealed in his new memoir that he’s gay. It comes as no surprise to local Catholics who suspected he was gay when he celebrated the feast of St. Cher.

A woman in Florida is accused of making more than $8.5 million from an online prostitution business that charged $50,000 to spend the night with adult film stars. Her clients are safe since her little black book consists of a business card from Charlie Sheen.

A departing jetliner was pulled off the runway at Los Angeles International Airport after a baggage container was sucked into one of its engines. The clothingless passengers were put on another plane which they completely stripped of blankets, pillowcases and cloth napkins from first class.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is warning that the state will face “a very serious cash crisis” if voters reject ballot initiatives next week. If the Republican governor is forces to raise taxes, he’ll go from Conan the Barbarian to Conan the Contrarian.

Visitors are flocking to President Barack Obama's Hyde Park neighborhood in Chicago for tours of his house, his former church and the school his daughters attended. The area could become more popular than Disneyland, especially if the city buys the lot next door to Obama’s house and puts up a Pirates of Somalia ride.

A Texas man made it into the Guinness World Records book by receiving 1,197 piercings in a single day. He set a second record went to the airport and took over three hours to get through the metal detector.

A group of drummers from a South Carolina high school set a world record by sustaining a single drum roll for 27 hours and 23 seconds. They raised $3,600 to buy new equipment for the school band, including new drumsticks to replace the ones that burst into flames.

Manchester Community College in Connecticut college is offering a non-credit course for students interested in becoming experts at the dice game “craps.” Grades for the craps class include pass, fail and pass the hard way.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Karma Custodian

Actress Mia Farrow says she was disappointed she couldn't keep up her hunger strike for more than 12 days. And the only thing that helped her avoid food for 122 days was a picture on her refrigerator of Woody Allen.

Boy George was released early from prison after serving only four months of his 15-month sentence for falsely imprisoning a male prostitute. He plans to release a song about his work detail in prison called Karma Custodian.

According to a new study, getting a massage after exercising doesn't improve circulation to the muscles or help remove lactic acid. On the other hand, the “happy ending” makes you feel like an All-American college football quarterback.

American journalist Roxana Saberi is free after being jailed for four months in Iran and her eight-year sentence on spying charges was suspended. Everyone is happy except Dick Cheney, who thought a real American would have served the sentence and then come home with some new and improved torture techniques.

Comedian Joan Rivers was hired and poker champ Annie Duke was fired at the end of the latest edition of “Celebrity Apprentice.” This proves once and for all that Donald Trump doesn’t trade sex for jobs.

When Asked about her husband John in a national interview, Elizabeth Edwards said “I do love him.” She should have suspected something when John said about the same thing when they renewed their wedding vows: “I do? Love? Hmmm.”

A teen in Findlay, Ohio, was suspended for attending another high school’s prom because the fundamentalist Baptist high school he attends forbids dancing, rock music and hand-holding. The principal at his school knew the boy had attended the prom because he could smell Purell on the kid’s hand.

President Obama met with several large medial industry trade groups that pledged to reduce the growth of health spending by 1.5 percentage points annually through cutting paperwork. Big deal. All this means is that if you want a sanitary surface to lie down on during your examination, you have to bring your own butcher paper.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says the U.S. has over 2,500 confirmed cases of the new H1N1 swine flu in 44 states. There’s no cases in Alaska, although Governor Plain says she can see people sneezing in Russia.

Millions of children, many wearing surgical masks, returned to school this week in Mexico. A number of kids had choking fits at lunch, not from the flu but from mistaking masks for soft tacos.

A 12-year-old boy is running for president in Iran. To show that he’s seriously preparing to debate adult candidates, he’s hired Jeff Foxworthy as his coach.

A Swedish helicopter fleet commander says his female crew members should be equipped with fireproof bras. It’s not that unusual. With all the smokers on their show, the producers are thinking about getting the fireproof bras for the female cast members of “Mad Men.”

Florida has opened its fifth faith-based prison where all inmates must attend religious programs run by church volunteers. I think it’s called Amazing Gates.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

He had the only phone number that contained pi

A judge in McKinney, Texas, released a man who spent 83 days in jail for allegedly failing to appear for jury duty. The courthouse in McKinney is now swamped with calls from potential jurors wanting to know if this was a fluke or an option.

A man in Kenya sued a women's activist group, claiming a sex boycott it organized in protest of the country’s political situation affected his marriage and caused him stress. This came as a shock to millions of other married Kenyan men who didn’t realize it was because of the political situation.

Florence Henderson, Carol Brady on “The Brady Bunch,” says she’s swamped with Mother's Day cards every year. Her favorites were from Maureen McCormick, her TV daughter Marcia, because those had a street value in the thousands.

President Barack Obama’s standup routine was the hit of the annual White House Correspondent's Association dinner. He had so many good lines, CSPAN has asked him to tape a daily one-hour spot to run against Jay Leno’s new show.

Actor Keanu Reeves has been signed to star in a remake of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” To take advantage of Keanu’s acting range, the new version will be called “Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Jekyll.”

The Little Caesars pizza chain celebrates its 50th anniversary this month. There are about 2,500 Little Caesars pizza outlets across five continents and in every U.S. state, including a number of urban restaurants called Lil Caesars.

Outbreaks of the swine flu are affecting college graduation ceremonies in the U.S., causing some schools to consider banning the traditional handshake. This isn’t a problem at community colleges, where diplomas are given with chest thumps and head butts.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made a surprise one-day visit to Baghdad to discuss U.S.-Iraqi economic relations with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Pelosi assured al-Maliki that she would help protect his country from an invasion by U.S. banks.

Vice President Joe Biden gave the commencement address to the graduating class at Syracuse University, where he’s an alumnus. To show the graduates how to succeed in politics, Biden took the honorary degree he was given and stuffed it in his mouth.

A genealogy web site has posted Albert Einstein’s telephone number while he was a university professor in Berlin. No one ever called him because A judge in McKinney, Texas, released a man who spent 83 days in jail for allegedly failing to appear for jury duty. The courthouse in McKinney is now swamped with calls from potential jurors wanting to know if this was a fluke or an option.

A man in Kenya sued a women's activist group, claiming a sex boycott it organized in protest of the country’s political situation affected his marriage and caused him stress. This came as a shock to millions of other married Kenyan men who didn’t realize it was because of the political situation.

Florence Henderson, Carol Brady on “The Brady Bunch,” says she’s swamped with Mother's Day cards every year. Her favorites were from Maureen McCormick, her TV daughter Marcia, because those had a street value in the thousands.

President Barack Obama’s standup routine was the hit of the annual White House Correspondent's Association dinner. He had so many good lines, CSPAN has asked him to tape a daily one-hour spot to run against Jay Leno’s new show.

Actor Keanu Reeves has been signed to star in a remake of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” To take advantage of Keanu’s acting range, the new version will be called “Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Jekyll.”

The Little Caesars pizza chain celebrates its 50th anniversary this month. There are about 2,500 Little Caesars pizza outlets across five continents and in every U.S. state, including a number of urban restaurants called Lil Caesars.

Outbreaks of the swine flu are affecting college graduation ceremonies in the U.S., causing some schools to consider banning the traditional handshake. This isn’t a problem at community colleges, where diplomas are given with chest thumps and head butts.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made a surprise one-day visit to Baghdad to discuss U.S.-Iraqi economic relations with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Pelosi assured al-Maliki that she would help protect his country from an invasion by U.S. banks.

Vice President Joe Biden gave the commencement address to the graduating class at Syracuse University, where he’s an alumnus. To show the graduates how to succeed in politics, Biden took the honorary degree he was given and stuffed it in his mouth.

A genealogy web site has posted Albert Einstein’s telephone number while he was a university professor in Berlin. No one ever called him because he had the only number that contained pi.

A new survey found that about one in 10 Americans have stopped hugging and kissing close friends or relatives because of concerns about swine flu. That number spiked on Mother’s Day when kids across the country used it as an excuse to avoid kissing Grandma.


A new survey found that about one in 10 Americans have stopped hugging and kissing close friends or relatives because of concerns about swine flu. That number spiked on Mother’s Day when kids across the country used it as an excuse to avoid kissing Grandma.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Oprah is sending her a couch so she can jump

Amazon is a little embarrassed after Kindle users found out the electronic reader’s computerized voice option mispronounces “Barack Obama.” When the Kindle says the president’s name, “Barack” rhymes with “black” and “Obama” rhymes with “bleeding heart liberal.”

“24” star Kiefer Sutherland was charged with misdemeanor assault for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer at a Manhattan nightclub. Poor Kiefer used his one phone call to contact his most powerful ally in Washington and was shocked when it was answered by Joe Biden instead of Dick Cheney.

The Social Security Administration reports that Jacob was the most popular name for boys in 2008 for the tenth straight year. “Barack” moved up a record 10,126 places to 2,409 and is expected to move higher once kids named George are tired of getting beat up and change names.

The T-800 killer cyborg played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the original “Terminator” makes a surprise appearance in “Terminator Salvation, but it’s another’s actor’s body with Arnold’s face added by computer. Schwarzenegger is testing the legal waters for using the native born stand-in with his face to run for president.

The Miami Dolphins are changing Dolphin Stadium to Landshark Stadium as part of a partnership with singer Jimmy Buffett and his Landshark Lager beer. This came as a big disappointment to Dolphin’s pot-loving running back Ricky Williams who was pushing for a deal with Willie Nelson.

The mayor of Yakima, Washington, is trying to crack down on so-called sexpresso cafes – coffee bars that use scantily-clad waitresses to sell java and pastries. He’s afraid they’ll start selling donuts and he’ll never see his police department again.

The White House won’t confirm it but Germany is making plans for President Obama to visit the site of the Buchenwald concentration camp this summer. The site is used to these types of visits since Dick Cheney was always sneaking in once-a-month for inspiration.

Oprah Winfrey will interview Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle via satellite for a special edition of her show called “The World’s Got Talent.” Simon Cowell told Boyle not to sing, but Oprah is sending her a couch so she can jump.

An expert on French bread says bakers in France are cutting down on the cooking time to satisfy a demand for baguettes with softer crusts. As a result, bakers are selling more loaves to American tourists but less to French people who used to buy them to hit American tourists.

A Texas A&M University researcher shipped nearly 17,000 corn earworms to students in 12 states so they can learn about the wonders of science. Not to mention the wonders of learning CPR to revive the mailman.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Deep Vote

Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games by Major League Baseball for drugs he claims a doctor gave him that he thought were OK. Manny should have suspected something when the physician told him his name was “Doctor Fieldgood.”

A second topless photo of Miss California Carrie Prejean is floating around the Internet after Prejean told pageant officials that there was only one such photo in existence. She’s hoping they believe the pictures were for a line of Christian underwear called St. Victoria’s Secret.

The Treasury Department’s stress test showed that many of the nation's largest banks need more funds. Forget stress tests. The government needs to figure out which banks can make a dollar go further by giving them a “stretch” test.

President Obama wants Congress to approve cutting $17 billion out of his $3.4 trillion budget, but Republican members are fighting it, saying that’s just a drop in the bucket. Speaking of buckets, getting Republicans to vote for any of his proposals is on President Obama’s bucket list.

Smith & Wesson expects to raise about $32 million by selling 5.5 million new shares of stock. Investors can pay $6.25 for a share of stock, but the lock and barrel are extra.

Now that the swine flu risk is down, the Mexican soccer federation is allowing fans to attend professional soccer games this weekend. However, to be on the safe side, fans must be ready to evacuate if the announcer stops yelling “Gooooal!” and starts yelling “Fluuu!”

Michael Jackson's publicist and general manager has filed a $44 million lawsuit claiming he hasn’t paid her for deals she's made. Michael says he tried to pay her, but she didn’t think she could get $44 million for two of his old noses on eBay.

Porn star Stormy Daniels is considering a 2010 run for the U.S. Senate seat currently held by Republican David Vitter, whose name was linked to a Washington prostitution ring. To get people to support her, Stormy may do a new movie called “Deep Vote.”

Conservative radio talk show host Michael Savage has demanded his name be taken off a list of people banned from entering the United Kingdom. He’s so mad at that country, he’s asking pool players to stop making shots with a little “English” on them..

Twentieth Century Fox says the unfinished copy of "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" illegally posted on the Internet has been downloaded 4 million times since March 30. Not only that, half of the downloads were by women trying to get her nails to look like Wolverine’s.

According to a new study, people with relatives who have had rotator cuff tears are at greater risk for similar injuries. Especially people whose relatives like to start food fights at Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

She can play both Rebecca Howe and the bar

Actress Kirstie Alley admits she’s gained 83 pounds since she stopped being a Jenny Craig spokeswoman in late 2007. If they ever do a “Cheers” reunion show, she can play both Rebecca Howe and the bar.

The University of Wisconsin-Madison campus is bringing in “counseling dogs” to help ease the stress of students preparing for final exams. Before you students get your hopes up, the dogs have been trained to refuse to eat homework.

The topless picture circulating around the Internet of Miss California Carrie Prejean may cost her the crown because she signed a contract saying she’d never been photographed nude or partially nude. She’s hopingjavascript:void(0) to convince the judges she was just promoting breast-feeding to mothers in heterosexual marriages.

Bristol Palin said in an interview that “abstinence is the only way you can effectively, 100% foolproof way you can prevent pregnancy.” She also believes that the only good use for a condom is to pull it over the head of your ex-boyfriend to get him to shut up already.

Ben Southall, a bungee jumping, ostrich-riding British charity worker was named the winner of the “Best Job in the World” contest to serve as caretaker of a tropical Australian island. The second-place finisher will get the second-best job in the world … cameraman on “Dancing With The Stars” for when Melissa Rykoff is dancing.

While in New York, First Lady Michelle Obama visited Sesame Street to tape a Public Service Announcement with Elmo and said it was “probably the best thing I've done at the White House.” On the advice of Joe Biden, she didn’t mention that the Secret Service kept her away from Miss Piggy.

General Motors' new product development chief says the company will have a plug-in hybrid sport utility vehicle ready for testing in early 2011. Since every other carmaker will have one done sooner, GM’s plug-in is expected to be called the Bummer.

NBA Hall of Famer Dave Bing was elected as Detroit's mayor through the end of the year. He plans to use his time in office to change the voting law to elect the next mayor in a game of H-O-R-S-E. announced a larger and more expensive version of its Kindle electronic reading device that is geared toward periodicals and textbooks. College students who can’t afford the $489 price tag are calling it the Swindle.

The Pentagon plans to create 20,000 new jobs to manage a revamp of the way the military buys billions of dollars of weapons each year. Here’s a cheaper idea … hire one guy who can say “No.”

Customs officials in L.A. arrested a man trying to smuggle songbirds from Vietnam in custom-tailored pants with hidden pockets for the birds. He was also charged with sexual harassment by the woman in the seat next to him who thought his crotch was whistling at her.

Bernard Madoff's longtime secretary says he was flirtatious, made sexually suggestive remarks and liked to visit massage parlors. Madoff has asked her to stop making these statements – not because they’re not true but because they’re turning on his cellmate.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Grim Sander

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress that the economy should pull out of a recession and start growing again later this year. Joe Biden immediately screamed at Bernanke, “Forget about the economy! What about our hair?”

Police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who covered at least three apartments with spray paint and chocolate pudding and then covered himself in chocolate syrup. The pudding and paint were acts of vandalism… the syrup was just because he did it on a Sunday.

An Austrian carpenter made it into the Guinness Book of Records by building 707,335 coffins over a 30-year period. Around the Vienna Home Depot, he’s known as the Grim Sander.

A rural county in China has backed off on a rule urging its officials to smoke a certain amount of local cigarettes to boost tax income. In a related story, President Obama asked Vice President Biden to see if there were any tobacco farms near Washington.

The British government published a list of people barred from entering the country for allegedly fostering extremism or hatred and one of the names on it is American right-wing talk show host Michael Savage. Rush Limbaugh was pretty upset until he found out they decided to release the list one letter at a time starting with names beginning with S.

America’s favorite unwed mother, Bristol Palin, has been appointed as a Teen Ambassador for The Candie's Foundation, a national campaign to help raise awareness for teen pregnancy prevention. Tina Fey’s daughter is only 3 but she’s already begging her mom to let her play Bristol on Saturday Night Live.

Attorneys general from three states are pushing Craigslist to eliminate the "Erotic" category as a choice under "Services." Attorneys general in the other 47 states want to wait until they figure out how to clean out the history files on their browsers.

A new book claims that artist Vincent Van Gogh didn’t cut off his own ear but instead lost it in a fight with fellow painter Paul Gauguin outside of a brothel. Gaugin allegedly gave Van Gogh’s ear to a prostitute, who said, “I told you I wanted an artistic earring!”

The rock singer Pink is denying a story in a British tabloid that she’s bisexual. The tabloid claims it has pictures of her performing in men’s clothes under the name blue.

A New York woman is suing a woman who outed her as a dominatrix because it has ruined her career as a nurse. Luckily, she’s been able to cover her bills catering to guys who like to get tied up and given enemas.

“American Idol” judge Paula Abdul has finally admitted she was addicted to painkillers and went in for treatment last year. Once she quit, she gave her leftovers to Simon and Randy to dull the pain of listening to Kara DioGuardi.

Newly-released letters written by former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein contain complaints about his treatment while in jail. Saddam apparently thought his American captors would treat him like Otis the drunk on his favorite American TV program, “The Andy Griffith Show.”

Miss California Carrie Prejean's reputation as an evangelical role model took a hit when nude photos of her surfaced on the Internet. On the positive side, she’s been offered $500,000 to appear as next month’s centerfold in the new religious men’s magazine, Prayboy.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Corner the market on rust

With the swine flu tapering off, Mexico's health secretary has decided to allow most businesses to reopen this week. In a bit of nostalgia, right wing radio hosts immediately said this means the terrorists have won.

In addition buying Chrysler, Fiat is also thinking about buying Opel, the European branch of General Motors. If all of the deals are completed, Fiat will have cornered the world market on rust.

To celebrate the 40th anniversary of Woodstock, a concert on August will feature veterans Jefferson Starship, Big Brother and the Holding Co., Ten Years After, Canned Heat, Mountain, and Country Joe McDonald. Unlike at the original concert, this time the scaffolding on the stage will be used to hold up the performers.

President Obama says he’s going to change the tax policy to eliminate tax havens for individuals and corporations. In a related story, the Pentagon has put troops on high alert in case of attacks by Switzerland, the Bahamas or Barbados.

According to a new poll, Senator Arlen Specter's switch to the Democratic Party put him ahead in the 2010 race in Pennsylvania. Based on that, Norm Coleman has decided to become a Democrat and call for a new election in Minnesota.

A man in Texas is auctioning off a book of old drugstore formulas that appears to have the original recipe for mixing Dr. Pepper. The list of ingredients includes mandrake root, sweet flag root and syrup, which explains why it’s listed next to the formula for Pepto Bismol.

In England, the Catholic Bishop of Nottingham has denounced the film “Angels & Demons” as “total rubbish.” Since the movie isn’t out yet, he’s basing his review on an image of the film he saw on a piece of burnt toast.

Comedian Joan Rivers and Texas Hold ‘Em champ Annie Duke are the finalists on “The Celebrity Apprentice.” Talk about poker faces. These two look like the “after and “way after” pictures in an ad for Botox.

In Georgia, the DeKalb County Commission has made the nation's first Waffle House a historic property. It opened in 1955 and still has the first dollar paid by the first 4am drunk customer who couldn’t tell if he was eating breakfast or dinner.

Insiders say Microsoft will stop selling its Windows Vista operating system as soon as the new Windows 7 version is available. Jerry Seinfeld is selling half of his Porsche collection to buy up all remaining copies of that commercial he did for Vista.

A new category called Best WTF Moment has been added to the list of MTV Movie Awards to honor some of the most shocking scenes in the previous year's films. The Supreme Court is already calling it “A day that will live in infamy.”

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Porko Vallarta

Swine flu has been discovered among pigs on a farm in Canada. Apparently they caught it from one who just came back from visiting a favorite piggy vacation spot in Mexico: Porko Vallarta.

A pilot walked away unharmed from a crash in Washington state after landing his small plane in a field full of portable toilets. The former commercial pilot said is reminded him of landing in Newark.

Health officials say the swine flu epidemic is reducing physical displays of friendship like hand-shaking, kissing and hugging. Former president Bill Clinton calls it the worst thing to happen to him since Linda Tripp.

“X-Men Origins: Wolverine” was the top movie over the weekend. Not only did it help the movie industry, it also caused an increase in business at nail salons.

British police arrested an 18-year-old high school student who used his computer to superimpose the faces of teachers and fellow students on pornographic pictures. Once he finishes performing community service, he’s expected to get a job making before-and-after ads for a weight-loss clinic.

Mine That Bird beat 50-1 odds to win the Kentucky Derby and pay $103.30 on a $2 bet. Many of the people who won spent the money on dry cleaning after spitting their mint juleps all over themselves.

President Obama called Mexican President Felipe Calderon to share information about each country's efforts to combat the swine flu. Calderon talked about finding more masks for his citizens while Obama talked about finding more duct tape for Joe Biden.

After the Obamas returned from a date on Saturday, Secret Service agents left them alone while they walked around the White House grounds holding hands. Reporters say it was the most unrehearsed romantic scene on the White House lawn since President George W. Bush turned the hose on his dogs.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Our Lady of Scrubby Bubbles

A Miss California Pageant official confirmed reports that contestant Carrie Prejean received free breast implants, organized and paid for by the pageant, weeks before the Miss USA competition. With this new information, judge Perez Hilton has changed his vote from “No” to “Faux No.”

A restaurant in California is swamped with people wanting to see the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe that a cook says she saw on the griddle. Since they were not in Guadalupe and the griddle was about to be cleaned, religious experts say technically it’s an image of Our Lady of Scrubby Bubbles.

Kobe Bryant's Los Angeles Lakers jersey was the top seller this season at the NBA Store and its Web site, beating out LeBron James, Chris Paul and last year’s winner, Kevin Garnett. For the fourth straight year, the top-selling NBA-themed tent is Charles Barkley’s jersey.

Vice President Joe Biden announced plans to visit Bosnia, Herzegovina, Serbia and Kosovo. Residents in those countries were hoping for President Obama, but they’re happy to get any U.S. leader who can pronounce their names correctly.

The swine flu has caused a sever shortage of surgical masks around the country. It’s so bad, the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” has offered to donate theirs to anyone willing to admit they still watch the show.

President Obama is expected to nominate a woman to replace Supreme Court Justice David Souter. His wife Michelle was a possible choice, but she pulled her name out of consideration because the robe would hide her arms.

Retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter once said he had “the world's best job in the world's worst city.” He’s expected to take the second-best job in the second-worst city when he goes to L.A. to replace Paula Abdul on “American Idol.”

A Florida lawyer who let a female client work off her fee through sex has been disbarred by the Florida Supreme Court. That’s what happens when you hire an attorney from an ad on

The new national poet laureate of Great Britain is Carol Ann Duffy, the first woman and first openly gay poet to hold the job. She’s expected to inspire thousands of Irish men to write limericks about two women from Nantucket.

Royal security officers arrested a couple for having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle. They were observed from a window for half an hour before Prince Charles stopped reminiscing and called the guards.

Game and toy maker Hasbro is teaming with the Discovery Channel to produce a new cable channel aimed at children 14 and younger. It will be called Discovery of Things To Beg Mommy For.

The swine flu continues to cause panic. Emergency rooms are reporting a sudden increase in children with cuts from smashing their piggy banks to get their money before it’s infected.

According to a new survey, the more often Americans go to church, the more likely they are to support the torture of suspected terrorists. Who would have thought that Dick Cheney’s secret undisclosed hiding place was the back pew at the National Cathedral?

Hollywood insiders say Bruce Willis is in talks to star in three new action films. Bruce continues to say he has no problems with Aston Kutcher being married to his ex-wife Demi Moore, but one of the movies has the working title, “Die Hard With Twitter.”