Monday, December 13, 2010

Dead Critter Country

Wal-Mart announced the closing of its Moscow office. They found out that even vodka doesn’t make cheap stuff look good.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren has a new boyfriend and is already talking about having his kids. So it looks like Tiger isn’t the only one who celebrates a victory by getting a new club for his bag.

The NFL is reviewing the sideline incident in which Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll was tripped by New York Jets' strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi while covering a punt. Possible punishments include a fine, suspension or being forced to play a game for the Carolina Panthers.

Beginning next year, Ukraine plans to open up the sealed zone around the Chernobyl reactor to tourists. Exhibits at this fun-for-the-whole-family park will include Fantasy-Explanation-Land, No-Tomorrow-Land and Dead Critter Country.

The Las Vegas Strippermobile is back with Santa and his bikini-wearing helpers delivering toys to a local charity. Talk about confusing. Kids who were on the “nice” list had to give their toys back as soon as they looked at the strippers.

The doctor for “Dancing with the Stars” winner Jennifer Grey says the back surgery for her ruptured disc was a complete success. Unfortunately, the doctor for third-place finisher Bristol Palin says he was unable to fix her ruptured virginity.

Miami tax officials ruled that O.J. Simpson is still entitled to a tax exemption on his Florida home while he’s in jail in Nevada. With the deduction, O.J.’s 2010 tax bill is down to a carton of cigarettes and two jugs of rotten-apple wine.

Colleges around the country are offering things like laser tag, petting zoos, karaoke parties and miniature golf to help students deal with pre-exam stress. This is really disappointing for football players who thought those were courses.

A federal judge has ruled that President Obama's health care law is unconstitutional because the government cannot require Americans to purchase insurance. In a rare show of support, future Speaker of the House John Boehner offered the president the use of his crying towel.

In an interview on 60 Minutes, incoming Republican Speaker John Boehner said that he rejects the word “compromise.” He also rejects the words “sunblock,” “nicotine patch” and “crybaby.”

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Coffee porn in a cup

In her new book, Sarah Palin calls contestants on American Idol “talent-deprived” people who suffer from “the cult of self-esteem.” As opposed to “Dancing With The Stars,” where her daughter Bristol who gets votes from the talent-deprived and cult of self-esteem.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says “we all had to bite our tongues” when Levi Johnston criticized her family. That explains why she has so much trouble pronounciating her words.

Eva Longoria filed court papers to divorce basketball star Tony Parker, citing irreconcilable differences. In basketball terms, she wanted to stick with the starting lineup while Tony preferred to bring in a substitute.

Scientists using the supercollider in Geneva claim they’ve created an anti-atom that may help solve what happened to all of the antimatter created by the Big Bang. For those not familiar with the term, evolutionists refer to the stuff from the Big Bang as “antimatter” while creations call it “doesn’t matter.”

The Philadelphia Eagles are going green by adding wind turbines and solar panels to their stadium. They’re hoping this will lower energy costs while messing with opponents’ kickers and shining sun in the eyes of their quarterbacks.

Tea Party darling Sharron Angle said in a recent speech that “sometimes dictators have good ideas.” She later issued a clarification that she was referring to dictators in other countries, not that Socialist Nazi currently running our country.

Chinese officials have put a stop to a new craze where newlywed couples have their wedding pictures taken in the nude. Couples wanting nude wedding pictures must now wait until they leave for the honeymoon and have them taken by airport security scanners.

A woman told Russian airport officials that her daughter was a suicide bomber in an attempt to stop her from flying away to get married. The woman was arrested and charged with making a false terror report and being a mom.

Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is officially the winner of the state’s Senate election, defeating Joe Miller, the candidate endorsed by Sarah Palin. When told the news, Miller became the second person in the country to shoot his television during “Dancing With The Stars.”

A New York coffee shop is offering a 20-ounce beverage with 10 shots of espresso billed as “coffee porn in a cup.” I thought that’s what Chock Full O’Nuts was.

Police in Idaho arrested a woman accused of posing as a plastic surgeon and performing bogus breast exams on women in bars and nightclubs. The women got suspicious when the fake doctor asked them to buy her a brandy so she could measure their breasts with the snifter.

Scientists in Boston say they have developed a laser camera that can “see” around corners and take pictures of things not in its direct line of sight. Proving once again that the inability to talk to women is the real mother of invention.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

No wonder only the Republicans understood him

In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. And he’ll gladly authorize it again, especially if his book isn’t selling as well as Laura’s.

Animal rights activists people in the Czech Republic are upset about a calendar which shows a topless model chopping the head off a pig. The revelation about the shocking photos was a double shock to the millions of guys who never saw the pig.

Doctors in China say a man impaled by 13 metal rods in a construction accident is expected to recover completely. Despite that, he still won’t let his disappointed teenage daughter get her tongue pierced.

Israel is the first country to feature a same-sex duo on its version of “Dancing with the Stars” and the women say they will alternate who gets to lead. Kind of like on the U.S. show when Margaret Cho danced with Louis Van Amstel.

Qantas grounded its Airbus A380 fleet after one of the superjumbo jets blew out an engine and was forced to make an emergency landing in Singapore with 459 people aboard. To give you some idea how scary it was, none of the passengers could fit their airsick bags in the overhead compartments or under the seat in front of them.

A group of children waiting for their morning school bus near Missoula, Montana, Wednesday morning got a shock when they spotted a mountain lion in a field just 200 feet from their stop. The smart kids used the situation as a learning experience and shoved the local bully in front of the lion.

Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. Wow, who knew that Osama bin Laden was hiding in Japan and likes to get Domino’s pizza delivered?

Nancy Pelosi says she has "no regrets" about her time as Speaker of the House. On the other hand, John Boehner doesn’t even have the job yet and he already regrets buying a portable tanning bed before measuring his new office door.

President Obama referred to the midterm election results as a “shellacking,” a term that hasn’t been in everyday use in over 30 years. No wonder only the Republicans understood him.

Fox News says it has no plans to hire defeated Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell. In fact, the only network interested in her is a small cable station looking to do a remake of “Bewitched.”

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Most of his words were homonyms

In his latest book, former president Jimmy Carter blames his own church, the Southern Baptist Convention, for breaking down the separation between church and state. In response, the Southern Baptists blame Carter for breaking down the separation between peanuts and chocolate.

The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. I think it’s called the Westminster Flabby.

Rigby & Peller, the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II, announced a $343,000 loss in profits last year. The loss came after the announcement that it was the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II.

A Swedish man was acquitted of drunk driving after the court couldn’t rule out the possibility that he was sleepwalking. In a related story, Charlie Sheen dyed his hair blonde and changed his name to Sven.

A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Not surprisingly, most of his words were homonyms.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Alabama to Florida was temporarily delayed due to a suspicious white substance that turned out to be foot powder. Flight attendants knew it was foot powder when they noticed the owner was sitting in a row all by himself.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say a group of shadowy figures they call “star whackers” are trying to ruin his career and kill them both. Those aren’t star whackers … they’re other people named Quaid.

A University of Kansas researcher has identified five styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. If you’re still trying to pick someone up at last call, you can add grumpy, sleepy and dopey.

Michael Jackson’s mom, Katherine Jackson, will discuss her son in an interview with Oprah Winfrey next week. Potential audience members are already lining up after hearing a rumor that Oprah will honor Michael’s memory by giving everyone a chimp.

BP PLC announced a third-quarter profit of $1.79 billion. It would have been even higher, but BP executives dropped some bags of money while laughing their way to the bank.

A Los Angeles photographer claims he set a world record by staying awake for 40 days straight. He finally fell asleep when his wife turned on a special on the life of Al Gore.

Friday, October 29, 2010

A whopper of a hangover?

Sarah Palin says she’s run for president in 2012 if nobody else wants to. That’s the same thing Mark Ballas said on Dancing with the Stars when asked if he’d partner with Brisol Palin.

The Hells Angels are suing Saks Fifth Avenue, Zappos and fashion designer Alexander McQueen for allegedly using their name without permission on a scarf. They found out about it when they got thoudands of membership applications from guys with pink scooters.

A Irish film-maker claims a 1928 Charlie Chaplin film is proof of time travel because it shows a woman walking while talking on what appears to be a cell phone. It looks like the woman was trying to send a signal to the future because she walks past four bars.

A company in Toronto has created a Cheeseburger Cocktail, which contains rum, beef stock, tomatoes and lettuce water. Here’s my question. If you make it a double, does it give you a whopper of a hangover?

A San Francisco marijuana dispensary is offering patients free joints every time the Giants hit a home run during the World Series. That explains the thousands of glaucoma patients outside Barry Bonds’ home begging him to unretire.

The Pizza Express in Manchester, England, is investigating reports that a couple was spotted having sex in one of its restaurants after hours. The pizza chain want to avoid being sued for stealing the plot of half the porn industry’s most popular films.

NASA is conducting feasibility studies on whether astronauts could be sent on permanent, one-way missions to Mars to colonize it. NASA won’t send them to the moon because it can’t afford to pay royalties to the estates of Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows.

A Brazilian court ruled that McDonald's must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds while working there for 12 years. McDonald’s blamed the manager for thinking the phrase “Do you want fries with that?” was actually “Are you going to finish that?”

The Food and Drug Administration has decided not to approve Onexa, a highly-touted experimental diet pill, because it could cause major cardiovascular events. The manufacturer is hoping the FDA will reconsider when it starts putting the pills in bottles with Cheney-proof caps.

Former House Majority Leader Dick Armey claims that President Bill Clinton and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich privately discussed their extramarital affairs with each other over drinks and cigars. Both men deny it, saying only that they were close but no cigar.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hell's Angelfish

Many retailers are moving Black Friday, the traditional day-after-Thanksgiving start of the holiday shopping season, to the Friday before Halloween. Sounds like the name should be changed to Bleak Friday.

In a recent interview, Laura Bush said her husband’s favorite iPad app is Scrabble. W can only play for a few minutes before getting a sudden uncontrollable urge for alphabet soup.

The Guinness Book awarded an Angolan man known as the Jaw of Awe the title of world's widest mouth after he shoved a 12-ounce can of soda in it sideways. He’s also under investigation for the mysterious disappearance of a number of dental hygienists.

A British inventor has created a new underwater scooter that allows tourists to explore coral reefs without learning to scuba dive or even swim. Regular reef divers are now complaining about being terrorized by a gang of tattooed scooter riders known as the Hell’s Angelfish.

Police in Boulder say a man apparently shot himself in the knee while sleepwalking. That’s the last time he’ll go straight to bed after watching a mobster movie.

Barry Bonds says he’d like to be a hitting coach someday for the San Francisco Giants. He’s waiting for the Giants to convert a Volkswagen beetle into a batting helmet for him.

The Columbus Zoo sadly reported that the world’s longest snake in captivity has died. In lieu of flowers, zookeepers are asking fans of the 24-foot python to send pallbearers instead.

The United Nations has confirmed that furniture in its New York headquarters is infested with bedbugs. Officials are trying to decide whether to fumigate the building or just move the furniture into the Iranian delegate’s office.

Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell threatened to sue a radio station for posting a video of an interview she gave. She later backed down and threatened to turn the station owner into a frog instead.

The woman who was with Charlie Sheen during his latest drunken tirade has been identified as a 22-year-old porn star who says she’s not a prostitute. Right. She was naked in his room helping him rehearse one of those hilarious shower scenes from “Two-and-a-Half Men.”

The Museum of the Confederacy in Virginia is using x-rays to determine if two Civil War-era toy dolls in its collection were used to smuggle drugs. They got suspicious when they gave the dolls a water-filled bottle and the liquid came out of their noses instead of the other end.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

$%#@ Our Former Star Says

According to the Census Bureau, an estimated 36 million children between ages 5 and 13 put on costumes and went trick-or-treating last Halloween. That number will be higher this year due to trick-or-treating Tea Partiers who act like they’re between the ages of 5 and 13.

A Nevada political action committee caught flak for an automated call that went out to about 50,000 homes at one in the morning. The PAC must now pay for 50,000 broken phones and 50,0000 holes in the wall.

An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. It comes with the world’s smallest Jaws-of-Life to help open the mouths of anyone dumb enough to try and eat the whole thing.

An Australian man was charged with assault after tattooing a 16-inch penis onto his friend's back. The tattooed man knew something was wrong when his hand-shaped backscratcher started growing hair on the palm.

In Germany, a tiger trainer who almost mauled to death by his big cats is getting married and the tigers will serve as his best man and groomsmen. Not surprisingly, the bachelor party will be held at the local Pussycat Club.

Train stations in China are now installing vending machines that dispense live crabs. As if getting live bedbugs from the sleeping cars wasn’t bad enough.

Comedian and “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart is No. 1 on AskMen's Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2010 list, finishing well ahead of No. 21 Barack Obama. Obama would have finished higher, but the web site is called AskMen, not AskMenWhoWillLoseTheirJobsIfHe’sNotReelected.

An original Darth Vader costume from the “Star Wars” movies is up for auction in London. The owner is an anonymous American who says he can’t wear the costume anymore because the metal helmet interferes with his defibrillator and the eyeholes are too small to see the people whose faces he’s trying to shoot.

Karl Rove said in an interview that “45 percent of NPR listeners were Saddam Hussein.” If that’s true, how come 45 percent of the callers to Car Talk didn’t want advice on how to tune-up a camel?

More bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have purchased the rights to the title “$%#@ Our Former Star Says.”

Monday, October 25, 2010


Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. Whatever he did, he’s lucky those voicemails and emails were completed before he started having so many interceptions.

Sony announced that it has ceased production of cassette Walkmans, which were first introduced in 1979. It will still be available in China where it’s known as the Wokman.

Celine Dion gave birth over the weekend to twin boys, so she now has three sons. She already has the kids enrolled in daycare in 2013, preschool in 2015 and opening for her in Vegas in 2016.

Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” Poor Mel wasted over 100 drinking binges getting into character for the role.

Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva was offered $75,000 for a full nude photo shoot in Playboy. Not to be outdone, Mel has been offered a nude shoot in a magazine for hotheads called Ranthouse.

A librarian from Perth, Australia is in the Guinness Book of World Records for collecting the lint from his belly button every day for 26 years. While he doesn’t collect the lint, the record for years of continuous years of navel-gazing belongs to Rush Limbaugh.

Ian Poulter has angered golf fans by posting a video of himself and his children eating Cheerios out of the Ryder Cup. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “What a Ryder’s Cup?”

In France, eleven people jumped out of a second-floor window after seeing a naked man who they mistakenly thought was the devil. If you’re working on your Halloween costume, apparently the devil now has a beer belly, man boobs and a shrinkage problem.

Cabarrus County in North Carolina is set to begin burning processed human waste at its water-treatment plant as early as next year. They’re just waiting for warning signs to post along the highway that read: “Don’t blame the dog or Grandma in the back seat – it’s us.”

A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. Not surprisingly, it also found that Dutch kids with big fingers gravitate to flood control.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Forget the flowers and send bushes instead

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous.” He was hoping to get a job on Fox News, but they don’t have a need for anyone who tells the truth.

In Reno, Nevada, a five-year-old Maine Coon cat broke the Guinness world record for the world's longest domestic cat after measuring 48.5 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. This cat is so long, it can ignore both its owners and their next-door neighbors at the same time.

Toyota is recalling 1.53 million Lexus, Avalon and other models for brake fluid and fuel pump problems. Things are so bad, all 2011 Toyotas will come with a free postage-paid box to send them back in.

Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione passed away at the age of 79. In his honor, the family is asking mourners to forget the flowers and send bushes instead.

Republican Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell now says she regrets doing the campaign ad in which she declared “I'm not a witch.” It’s not the ad she regrets – it’s not getting doused with a bucket of water at the end.

Some NFL players say the league’s new crackdown on violent hits will ruin the game. These are the same players who were looking forward to making money after retirement by crushing beer cans on their heads at autograph parties.

A federal appeals court froze a judge's order halting the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy after the Pentagon announced it will accept openly gay soldiers. The policy is now called “don’t ask, don’t tell me I have to change the recruiting sign again.”

A former Secret Service agent reveals in his new book that he nearly accidentally shot President Lyndon Johnson when the president stepped outside for some air. Johnson knew he was wrong to step out without letting anyone know, but that didn’t stop him from picking the agent up by his ears.

The Census Bureau reports that 20 percent of the statisticians in the U.S. work for the federal government. The Tea Party reports that the other 99 percent are pollsters for them.

A fisherman in Wisconsin caught a rare 51-inch albino muskie. According to most seafood chefs, the proper way to serve albino muskie is baked with a Moby dip.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A new interpretation of Skull and Bones

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. Even more exciting, this proves that the world’s oldest knock-knock joke is the one that answers the question: “yodel lady who?”

Anita Hill says she won’t apologize to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas despite a mysterious call from his wife, Virginia. However, Mrs. Thomas will get a thank-you note from PepsiCo for reminding Americans of the image of a pubic hair on a Coke can.

President Obama may skip a trip to a prominent Sikh holy site in India because it could reinforce incorrect rumors that he is a Muslim, not a Christian. He’s so paranoid, he even asked Michelle to blow-dry her hair rather than wrapping her head in a towel.

1968 Playboy Playmate of the Year Angela Dorian was charged with attempted murder after she allegedly shot her boyfriend in their Hollywood apartment. Her lawyer blames the boyfriend, saying she finally snapped after he asked her for the 100th time to get staples tattooed on her stomach.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. Being a typical mother-in-law, the first thing she asked is why the woman didn’t cut off the crusts like she likes them.

A fraternity at Yale University is in trouble for forcing pledges to walk around campus chanting obscenities about necrophilia and anal sex. Must be a new interpretation of Skull and Bones.

In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

Actress Betty White will be the voice of Mrs. Claus in a new animated Christmas special. The 88-year-old White got the job after promising to stick to the script and not improvise anything about licking Santa’s candy cane.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Creationists say this is concrete proof that 6,000 years ago God created the number 13.1 billion.

A woman in Massachusetts was arrested after trying to deposit a fake $10,000 bill at a bank. The woman didn’t help her cause when she asked for her change in $1000 bills.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The largest city ever destroyed by flatulence

A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds wroth almost $8 million. The phone is so exclusive, it will only allow you to text while driving a Rolls.

A pair of Buddhist monks plan to spend two months crawling 500 miles on their knees while visiting 99 temples in China. It’s like a pub crawl except the monks are able to start praying every morning without a hangover.

Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. The odds on this occurring are 50 million to one, or about the same as her husband getting anywhere near her nine months before 11/11/11.

The Vatican's official newspaper has honored Homer Simpson as a television character who exemplifies the true meaning of being Catholic. Based on that, Catholics are now demanding that the communion wafer wine be re[placed by communion donuts and beer.

An unnamed senior NATO official says Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri are believed to be hiding in houses in northwest Pakistan. If that’s the case, we need to call off the military and let GMAC flush them out with foreclosure notices.

Jilloch, a chimpanzee who appeared in a series of television commercials in England for PG Tips tea, has died at the age of 34. An intelligent chimp who drinks Earl Grey is the main reason why the Tea Party hasn’t caught on in England.

President Obama honored winners of student competitions science, technology, engineering and math in a presentation at the White House. The last time student scientists were at the White House was when George W. Bush invited some kids over to show him that trick with Diet Coke and Mentos.

Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason says the band could get back together soon to play concerts for charity. The first charity is People for the Ethical Treatment of Pigs

A Seattle-area woman attending a court-ordered anger management class was charged with assault after she stabbed another student. Since the victim survived, the woman will get an “incomplete” instead of an “F” for the class.

President Obama is scheduled to appear on an episode of "Mythbusters" on the Discovery Channel. Obama will help determine whether the Greek scientist Archimedes set fire to an invading Roman fleet using only mirrors and the reflected rays of the sun and if that same technique be used to destroy a birth certificate.

Residents of Iztapalapa, Mexico, cooked up a 230-foot-long, almost 1½-ton enchilada to set a new world record. A second record was set later in the day when Iztapalapa became the largest city ever destroyed by flatulence.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” Then she realized she was reading from the hand she uses for Trig’s bedtime stories.

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino is in trouble for emails he sent with pornographic photos attached. He claims he was hoping to sway the nudist colony vote.

In his upcoming autobiography, Rolling Stone Keith Richards describes Mick Jagger as unbearable but says they still might tour again. Nothing patches up old differences like guitars, groupies and ganja.

The owners of the Boston Red Sox have purchased Liverpool’s soccer club for $476 million. Boy, are they going to be upset when they find out you can’t use a green wall as a goalie.

Paramount Pictures is working on a sequel to the 1986 aviation action flick “Top Gun” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as Maverick. It will be a much smaller role since Sarah Palin and John McCain pretty much took all the fun out of being a maverick.

The man who streaked at an appearance by President Obama in Philadelphia won’t win a $1 million prize because the president didn’t see him. Republicans were quick to criticize Obama, saying this proves he never takes his eyes off of the teleprompter.

Swiss engineers have finished drilling the world’s longest tunnel – a 35.4 mile hole under the Alps. Since part of the drilling was through dirt, the longest hole through solid rock is still Glenn Beck’s ear canal.

A Massachusetts man is facing an assault charge for allegedly hitting a town hall custodian on the back of the head with a roll of toilet paper. The custodian is OK except for an overwhelming urge to run into the woods with a baby bear.

A New Jersey pilot is facing charges for dropping wet toilet paper from his small plane onto an elementary school. None of the kids were hurt, but the preschool teachers say some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training.

Researchers at Oregon Health & Science University say that yoga may benefit people suffering from fibromyalgia, a disease which causes muscle and joint pain, fatigue and sleep disturbance. Unfortunately, yoga can’t help pain in the tongue caused by trying to pronounce “fibromyalgia.”

Turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads

In an recent interview, Harry Whittington – the lawyer shot in the face by Dick Cheney on a hunting trip – said his injuries were worse than reported and Cheney has never apologized. Cheney claims he tried to apologize once but the little devil on his left shoulder shot the little angel on his right shoulder.

In the latest Delaware Senate debate, Republican Christine O'Donnell could not name a single recent Supreme Court decision she disagreed with. However, she had no trouble naming three spells that turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads.

The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. They all turned down a trip to Disneyland because they’re terrified of the It’s A Small World ride.

Spike TV is said to be working on a mining reality series from the producers of “Deadliest Catch.” I think they should combine it with another reality series and throw the cast of “Jersey Shore” down a hole.

When a 24.6-inch-tall Nepalese teenager turned 18 this week, he was officially declared the world's shortest man by Guinness record officials. He’s so small, his high school class voted him “Most likely to not mind getting stuffed in a locker.”

Rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena is an Elvis Presley fan, so he was thrilled to receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Memphis and a special tour of Graceland. When he was first trapped he was a fan of the fat Elvis, but now he prefers the thin one.

First lady Michelle Obama says she's bringing the arts to the White House to “lift young people up.” Republicans immediately condemned this lifting-up program as a sign the Obama administration hates the elevator industry.

Wal-Mart Stores announced a new program to buy more locally-grown produce. The program starts as soon as they find people who can grow Slim Jims.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Tiger Woodless

New York’s anti-gay Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino once collected rent from two gay clubs located in buildings he owned in downtown Buffalo. Apparently when it comes to money, Paladino has no aversion to three-dollar bills.

Good news for the rescued Chilean miners. To accommodate all of them, Dancing with the Stars is expanding to 33 contestants.

According to, President Barack Obama and Sarah Palin are 10th cousins through an ancestor named John Smith. This is a tough one for Tea Partiers. It either means that Obama is an American citizen or Sarah Palin is black.

For the second time since August, an intruder tried to get into the L.A. home of Paris Hilton. Paris was upset until she found out her name hasn’t been in the news since August.

While in Kosovo, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton rode on Bill Clinton Boulevard and posed for pictures in front of an 11-foot gold statue of her husband. Then she made an emergency trip to the Bill Clinton Dental Clinic to have her jaw unclenched.

One member of the two-man team that won a California college fishing championship fished for 10 hours with a fishhook accidentally embedded in his head. Not only did he win a $50,000 prize for his school, he started a new college fashion trend.

One day after separating from David Arquette, Courteney Cox was offered $1 million to become spokeswoman for, a dating site for older women seeking younger men. In a related story, David Arquette was offered a job as spokesperson for

First lady Michelle Obama is on the campaign trail for the first time since her husband’s 2008 presidential campaign. She’s so popular with Americans, her Secret Service code name is Betty White.

A Chinese man traveling to Expo 2010 Shanghai says he sailed 932 miles on a raft made of plastic bottles. That makes it the first boat in Chinese history that can legally be called a junk.

A transgender woman is suing the LPGA over a requirement which states all competitors must be “female at birth.” She’s hoping to compete under her new name: Tiger Woodless.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. I don’t mind them breaking records, but I’d rather see them go for eating the most poisonous snakes or pounding the most nails in their skulls.

Apple has been granted a trademark for the phrase, “There's an app for that.” Not to be outdone, Microsoft is working to trademark the phrase, “The app is always greener on the other side of the fence.”

In a recent speech, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul brought up Bill Clinton’s indiscretions with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. This was good news for Monica Lewinsky’s publicist, who hasn’t had any luck getting her on “Dancing With The Stars.”

A prison website claims to have a black-and-white full frontal nude photo of the late great Yankee centerfielder, Mickey Mantle. It’s hard to tell for sure If it’s Mantle because he’s being crowded out of the picture by Brett Farve.

An Egyptian court granted a woman a divorce because her husband refused to bathe, claiming he was allergic to water. Lindsey Lohan is planning to use the same defense to explain why she started drinking again.

A Wisconsin man has grown a 1,810.5 pound pumpkin, breaking the world record. It so big, he plans to carve it into a Kirstie-o-lantern.

The 24-year-old man who streaked at President Barack Obama's rally in Philadelphia said he did it in an attempt to win $1 million offered by a British billionaire. President Obama didn’t see the streaker, but it gave him an idea of what to get Barney Frank for his birthday.

Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. The Cherokee phrase texted most often so far is CUST R LOL.

Some Chinese scientists plan to search the mountainous areas of central China for the legendary Chinese version of Bigfoot known as “Yeren” We’ll know if they’re successful when we see the next Chinese national basketball team.

Republican strategist Karl Rove is denying reports that his party gets campaign donations from foreign sources. Looks like he’s still using the world map that he used to teach George W. Bush about geography.

Wal-Mart announced it will start selling Apple's iPad tablet computer in most of its stores in time for Christmas. It’s a special Wal-Mart version of the iPad that doubles as a cutting board and bug swatter.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Oprah calls her Oprah

The word is out that the “I like it on the …” messages on Facebook are about where women like to leave their purses. Millions of embarrassed naked men are now climbing off the top of the dresser.

Charlie the Smoking Chimp, a mainstay at a South African Zoo, has died at age 52, living ten years longer than the average chimp. Zoo veterinarians attributed Charlie’s long life to staying fit by throwing feces at people who wouldn’t let him bum cigarettes.

The company whose toxic red sludge that burst out of a Hungarian factory's reservoir and flowed to the Danube River claims it’s not harmful. Who knew that BP also stands for Budapest Putridity?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Health reports that a surprising jump in the number of Americans hobbled by arthritis may be due to obesity. This explains the new Extra Light Excedrin.

A Michigan State football fan delayed having a pacemaker installed so he could watch the Spartans play the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday. He’s hoping he doesn’t become a diehard fan.

A judge in San Antonio ruled that nude dancing in gentlemen's clubs in that city is illegal. Even if the dancers yell out “Remember the Ala-ho!”

A Pennsylvania man who hid four ounces of marijuana in the Elmo backpack his son took to school was sentenced to six to 23 months in jail. The boy’s teacher turned the dad in when the kid referred to the character on his backpack as Don’t Bogart Me Elmo.

Former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon, the Republican nominee for U.S. Senate in Connecticut, says she misspoke when she suggested lowering the minimum wage. She meant to say, “Can you smell what the cold heartless candidate is cooking?”

A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and sired more than 160 children died at age 94. Newspaper carriers are being advised to lift with their knees when they deliver copies of the edition with his obituary.

Michelle Obama is number one on Forbes magazine’s list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the world. She’s so powerful, Oprah calls her Oprah.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

One-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters

A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. The cops are now searching for an extremely paranoid proctologist.

Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva said she feared for her life during a fight with him earlier this year. The worst part was the thought of calling 9-1-1 and having to keep re-spelling her name.

Facebook admitted that unspecified site issues caused the site to be slow or unavailable for some of its 500 million users. It was just a coincidence that those people were the ones who posted favorable reviews of “The Social Network.”

A purple potato that is supposedly healthier than white potatoes has gone on sale in England. Brits afraid to try the odd-colored chips with their fish are not impressed that the spuds are recommended by one-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters.

According to a new study, transplant patients who believe in God have a better survival rate than atheists. Both groups are out-survived by transplant patients who believe in malpractice suits.

A Chinese airport in Inner Mongolia was forced to shut down to prevent commercial jets from crashing into what looked like a UFO. Passengers in the air were told that, in the event of an alien abduction, their seat cushions could be used as a probe-blocking device.

An American family attending a circus in the Ukraine recorded a video of lions attacking a lion trainer while the audience watched. They managed to smuggle the video out and are considering an offer from the Detroit NFL franchise to use it as a training film.

Firefighters in East Greenwich, Rhode Island, managed to save the life of an 18-foot Burmese python they found in a burning building. Then they almost killed it when they caught the snake humping their hose.

A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. The dentist is counter-suing since the piece of dental equipment was his finger.

Frito-Lay is getting rid of its 100 percent compostable SunChips bags after customer complaints that the bags were too noisy when handled. This was a real problem at Tea Party rallies where the noise outed SunChip eaters as the too-wussy-to-eat-all-American-potato-chips liberals they really are.

A Swedish hospital has apologized for a Halloween blood drive campaign that scared some people with its slogan: “Give Blood! See Blood!” They borrowed the slogan from the U.S. after a recent highly-successful NRA blood drive.

Police in British Columbia were called to a fundraiser after 150 drunken women started brawling when one stood on a chair and blocked their view of a male stripper. The cops arrested the women for assault and the stripper for doing the Full Mounty.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Reclining barstools

According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. On the downside, only one percent go with tartar sauce.

A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. To capitalize on this, a number of cocktail lounges are offering reclining barstools.

The first national survey of Americans' sexual behavior since 1994 found 41 different ways people engage in sex. This came as a shock to Christine O’Donnell who is still waiting for her first sex lesson from a missionary.

Doctors are reporting cases of “toasted skin syndrome,” an unusual-looking mottled skin condition caused by spending too many hours with a hot notebook computer on your lap. Not surprisingly, over a million people with this condition have formed a Facebook group.

The FBI and Homeland Security Department say they have no indication that terrorists are targeting U.S. citizens as part of a new threat against Europe. The news came as a disappointment to French waiters.

Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. In a similar announcement, George W. Bush says he’s recovered from his bout with being president and has resumed bugging Laura all day about what’s for dinner.

South Korea retained the title of grand champion for the third straight year at the10th annual World Cyber Games. The winners had to postpone a victory parade through the streets of Seoul because their wrists are still too sore to wave.

In England, an obstacle course race between soccer club mascots got ugly when it was discovered that some clubs secretly replaced the regular mascots with athletic ringers and were actually trying to win. If it works for mascots, maybe the Detroit Lions should try it with the rest of the team.

Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. These injuries are usually accompanied by arm strains caused by throwing the console against the wall.

A popular charity calendar in Austria features farm girls dressed as Marilyn Monroe in Seven Year Itch, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Halle Berry's Catwoman and Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. The local favorite is a farmer’s daughter dressed as the host of a documentary on sheep breeding.

After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. The dancers got suspicious when the undercover officers ran out of dollar bills and tried to stuff their G-strings with donut shop coupons.

According to a new report, China is the world's largest toilet market with nearly 19 million toilets being sold there every year. Many homes have two: the Moo Goo Guy and the Moo Goo Girl models.

Friday, October 1, 2010

A Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster

A Russian company says it plans to build a four-room hotel in outer space by 2016. It will cost $20 million a night for a regular room and $10 million if you take the room by the ice machine.

A police department in England is raising money by selling bras and panties confiscated from female criminals. Most popular are the ones from prostitutes, least popular are those from women who strangled their lovers with thongs.

The government of Sweden has issued an alert about the threat of a terrorist attack. Swedish citizens are asked to report anyone who is not blonde, doesn’t want a massage or hates meatballs.

Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. To cater to the local clientele, the girls will also wear see-through cheeseheads.

In New Mexico, the Santa Fe City Council updated its indecency ordinance to state that men cannot expose their genitals if they are in “a discernibly turgid state.” If you’re unsure what that means, look at a map of the United States and you’ll see that Florida is not a discernibly turgid state

A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” Funny, I thought food porn was Lady Gaga taking off her meat dress.

According to a new study, some women say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them feel sexier and more feminine. And some men say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The dangers of having sex in a Smart car

Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. This came as a shock to the pope who says the picture on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel looks nothing like Glenn Beck.

A Chicago-area woman recruited for an internship at Disneyland was told she can wear a Muslim headscarf, but only one designed by Disney. She says that’s OK as long as it doesn’t make her look Goofy.

A Chicago doctor says her invention, an “Emergency Bra” that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks, is now available in B and C cup sizes in red only. She’s currently working on a model for saving entire families called the Dolly Parton.

A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. Germans hate it but an English version of the game is sold out in Nevada.

In Florida, the Cocoa City Council decided to drop plans to ban young people from wearing sagging pants that show their boxers. It’s just another example of underwearwolves who change when exposed to a full moon.

Tour de France champion Alberto Contador claims that a banned substance he tested positive for came from eating bad food. This is the first evidence that the International Cycling Union tests for Denny’s dinners.

Former President Jimmy Carter left a Cleveland hospital where he spent two days recovering from a viral infection. His doctors knew Carter was feeling better when he tried to negotiate a peace settlement between his fellow patients and their insurance companies.

Kroger’s had to pull all of the Chad Ochocinco's Cereal boxes from its shelves because a wrong number on the box led callers to a phone sex hotline. The boxes will be resold under the name Turn Trix.

Fisher-Price is recalling more than 10 million tricycles, toys and high chairs because a protruding plastic ignition key near the seat could cause genital bleeding. Some parents kept the trikes to teach their kids the dangers of having sex in a Smart car.

Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. That’s completely unfair since our own Congress proves that literacy doesn’t make clowns any better at their jobs.

North Korea has released the first official photo of Kim Jong Un, the youngest son and heir apparent of Kim Jong Il. The young man is pretty handsome, so it looks like the government has lifted its ban on Photoshop.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

First you need to give some Czechs some checks

A New York City public information campaign promotes the benefits of breastfeeding by pointing out that it burns 500 calories a day. There’s more about this breastfeeding weight loss program in a new book, “The Titikin Diet.”

It looks like Jennifer Lopez has signed a $12 million contract to be a judge on “American Idol.” Steven Tyler will settle for less as long as there’s a big mattress behind the judges’ stand in case he falls off.

Two senators from Thailand fought each other in a boxing ring set up outside parliament in Bangkok to promote Thai kickboxing. Maybe we can get Republican senators to promote the Second Amendment by setting up dueling matches in front of Congress.

George Michael was sentenced to eight weeks in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. He blamed it on his fear of traffic, or drugging under the influence of driving.

President Obama gave his second back-to-school pep talk with a lot less protests from conservatives than the first one had. The biggest complaint came from teachers who were hoping he’d speak longer so they could sneak out and look for a better job.

Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. She claimed she was a free thinker and thought the sign said “Off-the-Walgreens.”

Members of a church in Anaheim, California, are celebrating its first anniversary by getting tattoos of the red-heart church logo. The pastor will then inspect the location of the tattoo to determine if you paid attention during his sermons.

The Swedish Armed Forces disciplined two non-commissioned officers for dressing in their underwear on duty and flying a flag with a penis on it. The men were recruited under a special program in the Swedish military called “Don’t ask, we’re gay.”

The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Then she boarded a plane and showed how she really felt in every airsick she could find.

Authorities in the Czech Republic have banned Google from taking pictures for its “Street View” mapping feature. If Google had googled “doing business in the Czech Republic,” they would have found out that first you need to give some Czechs some checks.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Works better than a Barry White album

Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. Newt based this observation on the fact that Obama’s father was from Kenya and the president roots for the Bears when they play the Patriots.

A Georgia farmer is being sued by his county for growing too many vegetables in an area zoned for a smaller amount. It all started when his neighbors called 9-1-1 because their front and back doors were completely blocked by baskets of free zucchini.

A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent plans to accept the award for breaking the record as long as it doesn’t come with a handshake.

Tens of thousands of walruses have come ashore in northwest Alaska because the sea ice they normally rest on has melted. They hadn’t planned to stop in Alaska but they heard Sarah Palin say they were close to Russia.

A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. He received a $25 gift certificate to an Anchorage restaurant and $10 for a recording of the calls that Todd Plain claims works better than a Barry White album.

Oprah kicked off her 25th and final season of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” by giving everyone in the studio audience a free trip to Australia. Once they arrive in the Land Down Under, the audience members will see a couch jump up-and-down on Tom Cruise.

According to a new survey, public restroom users are washing their hands more often than they used to but 23 percent of men don’t wash versus 7 percent of women. Which makes the filthy sinks in men’s restrooms even more of a mystery.

Police in Wisconsin arrested a street musician who was upset when a passerby criticized his music so he bashed him over the head with his guitar. The musician spent the night in jail while his injured guitar gently wept.

Competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut downed 47 burritos in 10 minutes at the New Mexico State Fair in Albuquerque to break the previous record of 33 1/2. The 47 burritos were stuffed with beef, beans and green chile, which explains why Jaws had to be removed from a Porta-Potty using the jaws-of-life.

Friday, September 10, 2010

They have her on display on the hospital refrigerator

Police in Solingen, Germany, arrested a man who says he likes to take naked walks on railroad tracks because they help relieve stress. Not to mention that walking naked alongside trains makes him feel better about the size of his own caboose.

Madonna's daughter Lourdes is now a freshman at the prestigious LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts in Manhattan. I’m not saying she has a reputation, but LaGuardia’s principal already has detention slips pre-printed with Lourdes’ name on them.

Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. He’ll be earning around $20,000 per snap, or about as much as the guy who makes the heavy-duty fasteners on Dolly Parton’s bras.

Fidel Castro told an American journalist that Cuba's communist economic model doesn't work. That’s because its trade policy with the U.S. is “close but no cigar.”

According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. In rural hospitals, that includes a window overlooking a flock of sheep.

The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning to makers of electronic cigarettes to stop making unproven health claims. One claim is that electronic cigarettes will make you look like a robotic version of Don Draper.

A 10-year-old schoolgirl in Serbia has baffled doctors with her ability to pick up cutlery, coins and other metal objects with the magnet force in her hands. The doctors are so impressed with the little girl, they have her on display on the hospital refrigerator.

Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”

Gene Simmons of KISS will be the keynote speaker at the inaugural American Music Conference in Los Angeles in November. Organizers wanting to avoid any hazard from the microphone have asked Gene for the measurement of his tongue.

Chicago's John Hancock Observatory has announced plans for a 1,000-square-foot skating rink on the 94th floor of the building. Since they can’t get a Zamboni up the elevator, the ice will be scraped by anyone wanting a free frozen margarita.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sealy Posteriorpedic

Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. However, they increased the income tax on small men with hard names who can spin flax into gold.

Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned that she was honoring him by wearing velvet underpants.

The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. Not to mention to the vendors selling cod sandwiches.

An Italian mattress company has unveiled a love mattress with heavy-duty springs and special straps for couples to hang on to when in the throes of passion. For those into more kinky positions, try the Sealy Posteriorpedic.

Officials in Bibb County, Georgia, say they’ll consider changing the name of a street called Lustful Court if the residents sign a petition. The name discourages married couples from buying a house there because it’s a dead end.

Las Vegas police arrested a man who walked into a casino with a defibrillator strapped to his chest, claiming it was a bomb. It took the cops a while to find him among the hundreds of other casino patrons wearing defibrillators, oxygen tanks and pacemaker battery packs.

Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. Like begging, pleading and piles of cash.

According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. Especially if they wear tight pants that show how their big flamboyant can move.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady made it to practice after walking away unhurt from a two-car accident. The other driver was cited for reckless driving, failing to yield and roughing the passer.

President Barack Obama says his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel would be a terrific Chicago mayor. However, he won’t be allowed to campaign for dead voters in Chicago until he first gets them to vote in the midterm elections.

A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. Some angry parents want him to put in a screaming children section, but there’s no room for a drive-through window.

According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. What’s worse, lonely people refuse to see any physician other than Doctor McCoy and his tricorder.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A restaurant named Tony’s that serves actual Tonys

A German toymaker has unveiled a controversial new line of stuffed animals which all have psychiatric illnesses ranging from bipolar disorder to acute depression. It’s hard to believe there’s a market for a Teddy bear who is obsessed with dressing in teddies.

A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. He also dressed the poor orangutan in clothes that were every which way but loose.

A Web site for a Berlin restaurant offering “cannibal” cuisine turned out to be a prank by the German Vegetarian Society. Disappointed cannibals must continue their search for a restaurant named Tony’s that serves actual Tonys.

A Canadian UFO expert says a mysterious object photographed in the sky over rural Manitoba was probably a Chinese flying lantern, which are rice paper globes filled with hot air from a burning candle. The expert could not explain the story of a local farmer who says he was abducted and probed by a tiny Chinese alien with a glowing chopstick.

It’s official – “America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. To prepare to replace Larry, Morgan will spend the rest of the year watching softball games.

Rev. Terry Jones, the Florida church leader planning to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11, says he has received more than 100 death threats. Actually, he said he’s received CXVII death threats since he refuses to use Arabic numerals.

In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, a council member has proposed a public awareness campaign against men who wear their pants so low that their boxer shorts show that she’s calling “Low pants, no chance.” While they support the idea, the campaign slogan is being opposed by the local plumber’s union.

A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. Crows are pulling the popped corn off the ears and eating it in the farmer’s living room while watching “The Birds.”

Dennis Rodman claims he took six women to his bedroom at a Hamptons party and broadcast the orgy on his stereo system to everyone in attendance. Big deal. Listening to an orgy is like looking through the window at the woman next door who runs a phone sex service.

Actor Kelsey Grammer is one of the investors in a new Tea Party network called RightNetwork. In accordance with the Tea Party philosophy, it will only be available through video-on-demand, the Internet and mobile phones so it can never be “blacked”-out.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A new edible underwear shop called Starboxers

At 27 inches tall, Edward Nino Hernandez of Colombia is the new world's shortest man. He has a healthy sex life as long as he avoids women wearing T-shirts that say “You must be this tall to ride this ride.”

Steven Slater, the former JetBlue flight attendant who cursed a passenger and slid down an emergency exit chute is working on a plea bargain on the charges of reckless endangerment and trespassing. Unfortunately, his character witnesses are hundreds of crying babies he didn’t show in to the overhead compartment.

Skyscraper climber Dan Goodwin was arrested after scaling a 58-story San Francisco high-rise and then unfurling an American flag at the top. His legal fees are being paid by some San Francisco residents in return for letting them use his suction cups for something other than climbing.

Model and former Mrs. Mick Jagger Jerry Hall plans to auction some of her art collection, including a famous portrait that shows her nude when she was eight months pregnant. She offered it to Mick, but he says it doesn’t start him up or give him satisfaction and sticky fingers anymore.

An electronic roadside information sign in Seattle was hacked recently to display the message “eat my shorts.” No one is claiming responsibility, but it inspired a Seattle entrepreneur to open a new edible underwear shop called Starboxers.

British inventor Perry Watkins recently turned his Queen Anne dining table (set with silver) into a 130 mph vehicle and set the record for the world's fastest piece of furniture. It broke the previous record set by George W. Bush during his weekly White House office chair races.

Students at the University of Baltimore can now take an English class focused on zombies, zombie movies and zombie comic books. The class is being held at 7 am so the students will look the part.

A Florida couple arrested for allegedly breaking into a home in Key Largo told police they were looking for a place to “make out.” The woman was charged with criminal mischief while the man was charged with breaking and entering and entering and …

ABC News President David Westin is resigning after 13 years on the job. He knew it was time to go when he heard about his resignation the CBS Evening News.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Peanut-flavored elephant snot

Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If combining bacteria with wet cement heals cracks, how come there’s so many fractures around Charlie Sheen’s handprints in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater?

Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. He also denied rumors that Demi makes him carry his cameras in a special pocket in the crotch of his pants.

A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. In other words, what you’re born with down under is what you are forever Down Under.

A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Hugh Hefner said if she’d wear six of them, he’d make Betty White a centerfold.

A 51-year-old music executive is suing Sean “P. Diddy” Combs for age discrimination because she was fired after undergoing hip surgery. He’ll be sorry one day when his nickname is “I Wish I Didn’t Have To Get Up So Often To P” Diddy.

A private equity firm made a $4 billion leveraged buyout of Burger King. Burger King is used to dealing with leverage since that’s what it takes to get a lot of its customers out of their chairs.

NASA experts helping Chilean authorities rescue 33 miners trapped underground says they should send the miners nutritional food rather than cigarettes and alcohol. Good idea. When the miners heard their smokes and booze was cut off, they started digging themselves out.

A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” The project is being criticized by John McCain for being wasteful and by the cast of Saturday Night Live for stealing their best material.

The Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building and other New York skyscrapers are turning their lights off at night to keep migrating birds from getting disoriented. Unfortunately, now the building owners are being billed for the cost of cleaning all the bird poop off of the Statue of Liberty.

Researchers in Africa have observed ants crawling up into the trunks of elephants eating leaves off of trees where they live. They’re not sure if the ants are protecting the trees or are just hooked on the taste of peanut-flavored elephant snot.

A psychologist in Indonesia says the 2-year-old boy made famous by an Internet video showing him smoking cigarettes has kicked the habit. Now the kid just sucks his thumb after humping his teddy bear.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Sudden unexpected incineration

A 50-year-old businessman in Italy missed his ex-girlfriend so much after she dumped him that he paid over $18,000 to have a sex doll made in her image. Tiger Woods considered this but decided he didn’t want his house to look like a female version of the terracotta army.

The day after President Obama declared an end to combat in Iraq, Halliburton announced it was awarded a multi-million dollar contract to start work at the Zubair oil field in Iraq. When he heard the news, Dick Cheney had no one to celebrate with so he shot himself in the face.

A 12-acre California wildfire was started when a golfer trying to hit a ball out of the rough struck his club against a rock and the spark ignited dry grass. He won’t face charges for the fire but the PGA ruled he should have taken a penalty stroke for dropping his flaming ball in a water hazard.

A hiker in Washington state accidentally shot himself in the rear end when he moved his handgun from its holster to his back pocket. The shooting was cheered by fellow hikers who were tired of hearing him sing “The Happy Wanderer.”

An insurance investigator in northeast Arkansas found that a house fire that did $20,000 in damages was caused by the heat of dead plants decomposing in a plastic flowerpot. Unfortunately, their policy was with State Farm, not State Fern.

Conan O'Brien has decided to name his new TBS talk show “Conan.” Internally at TBS, it’s called NAOS – Not Another Old Sitcom.

Proctor & Gamble has taken out a $1 million insurance policy on the hair of its most famous Head & Shoulders spokesperson - Pittsburgh Steelers strong safety Troy Polamalu. If anything happens to Polamalu’s hair during a game, the opposing team will be given a 20-yard penalty and dandruff.

The United States team defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. U.S. players say the Iranians called them names during the game because they hate our free throws.

In New Jersey, a female driver escaped injury when her car caught fire after she tried and failed to flick a still-burning cigarette out her window. She plans to sue Toyota because the fire was caused by sudden unexpected incineration.

On September 1, stores in the Philippines put up holiday decorations to start the world's longest Christmas season. In keeping with her annual tradition, Imelda Marcos hung 10,000 stockings on her fireplace.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Slumdog Messiah

President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Her dad is now begging her to wait until after the election to reveal to the public that he wars braces on his ears.

Houtong, a rundown former coal mining town in Taiwan, has become a tourist attraction because its stray cat population outnumbers its human population two-to-one. A local barber shop is offering a feline-inspired haircut called the cat-man-doo.

Nik Wallenda, of the famous Flying Wallendas, claims he set a new world record by cycling across a 260-foot high tightrope without a safety net. That’s the highest anyone has been on a bike since the Tour de France banned amphetamines.

A London fashion company has unveiled a little black dress that doubles as a functioning cell phone. The makers are hoping to publicize it on a new cable show called “Sex and the SIM Card.”

A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. His only hope for winning the case is to get a jury of people with sawed-off fingers.

Filmmakers from India are in the Holy Land to shoot the first Bollywood movie on the early life of Jesus. The working title is “Slumdog Messiah” but they’re also considering “Eat Pray Repeat.”

In Arkansas, police arrested six people at a baptism party after shots were fired and a number of people were assaulted. That’s what happens when you put weird Uncle Harold in charge of the holy water fountain.

Bog snorkeling officials in Wales say Dan Morgan may have knocked 8 seconds off the world record for paddling 60 yards of a muddy, water-filled peat trench using flippers only. Michael Phelps was scheduled to compete until he found out it wasn’t bong snorkeling.

Organizers of the 22nd World Kosher Barbecue Championship held at a Memphis synagogue said 42 groups competed in this year's event. It’s so kosher, the only beer served is Hebrewski.

Bristol Palin says she can’t wait to compete on Dancing With The Stars. She has some dancing experience, just not vertically.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Feed-your-head cheese

A failed bank in Georgia that is a 13,000-foot replica of the White House is being sold by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. The design was inspired by the real White House except for the drive-through deposit window, which was inspired by White House lobbyists.

The Washington Shakespeare Company in Arlington, Virginia, performs selections from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” and “Much Ado About Nothing” in Klingon. For true Shakespeare fans who don’t want their friends to know they’re also Trekkies, the theater has a special section with a cloaking device.

Indonesia's volcanic Mount Sinabung, which has been dormant for four centuries, erupted for a second day in a row this week. According to Pat Robertson, this is God’s way of punishing Indonesia for sending us Barack Obama.

A toilet reportedly used by former Beatle John Lennon sold for $18,341 at a Beatles convention in Liverpool. John allegedly blocked the commode while composing an early version of “Eight Days A Week” called “Eight Days Of Wheat.”

Police in Massachusetts arrested a man who received a hollowed-out bologna in the mail that contained $100,000 worth of cocaine. He was also expecting a shipment of LSD in a loaf of feed-your-head cheese.

The owner of a Winn-Dixie grocery in Florida says a store display of a cake decorated with a Confederate flag was in poor judgment. He didn’t do much better when he tried to make it up to his black customers by serving an I Have A Cream cake.

Elijah Williams, a Christian judge in Florida named for an Old Testament prophet, is being forced to respond to anonymous bloggers claiming Elijah is a Muslim name. Wait until they find out that “Ground Zero” was named after an Arabic numeral.

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele is traveling to Guam in September to help raise money for the island's top Republican candidates. If you think Steele can’t sing any lower, half of the candidates are running for student council.

Mort Walker’s Beetle Bailey comic strip turns 60 this week. Walker’s longevity was an inspiration to many young cartoonists and Beetle’s ability to go so long without seeing combat was an inspiration to young George W. Bush.

Raytheon won a $450 million contract to supply our military with small bombs. Only in America does it cost $450 million to do the same thing a guy in Iraq can do with a used remote control and $5 bag of fertilizer.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

She's drop-dead gorgeous

An 18-year-old competitor in the Miss Norfolk beauty pageant in England is in school to become an undertaker. So she’s telling the truth when she says she’s “drop-dead gorgeous.”

The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. That’s a Brady, a Brandy, a heavy and a Hoffy.

Researchers at Stanford University have created a new textile inspired by the feet of geckos that could someday allow humans to climb walls and ceilings like Spiderman. As with most other new inventions, the first industry this is expected to revolutionize is porn.

The Japan Sumo Association is giving its sumo wrestlers iPads because their fingers are too fat to use cell phones. That’s the same reason sumo wrestlers use Ziploc bags instead of condoms.

The results of the Alaska Senate race between race between incumbent Lisa Murkowski and Sarah Palin-backed candidate Joe Miller won’t be known until mail-in votes are counted. So it looks like the race will be decided by absentee ballots and an absentee governor.

NFL owners meeting in Atlanta say they support increasing the regular season from 16 to 18 games. They were hoping to do it this season but Brett Favre already has a date picked for his next retirement party.

Bristol Palin will be a contestant on “'Dancing with the Stars.” Mama Sarah tried to talk out of it after hearing that Tom DeLay already used the “I’m quitting for the good of country” option.

After years of making life miserable for gays and lesbians, former Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman has decided to come out of the closet. A lot of Republicans got suspicious when he slipped up and said his favorite network was La Cages aux Fox.

A shark sighting off the coast of Somerset, Massachusetts, turned out to be a piece of Styrofoam cut into a fin shape, wrapped in gray duct tape and weighted down. No one was more disappointed than the owner of a local Chinese restaurant who had to change his menu to Styrofoam fin soup.

While out campaigning for mayor, Levi Johnston stopped at a Wasilla gun shop and checked out a $2,000 hunting rifle. And to show voters he’s learned his lesson, he didn’t test-fire it until first loading it with blanks.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A couple from bulls asking for the cow’s number

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. She should use some of the money from the divorce settlement on an eye exam.

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she hasn’t watched a minute of golf since finding out about Tiger Woods cheating on her. So despite being beautiful, rich and famous, she’s just like the rest of us.

Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. At that size, she probably has a hard time wrapping her arms around her two puppies too.

A man in China claims he let the nails on his left hand for 13 years to a length of 14 inches in order to help him control his temper and stay out of fights. Mel Gibson thought about doing that but decided having a violent temper is a small price to pay for being able to pick your nose.

A 35-year-old man in Germany who walked around for five years with a bullet lodged in the back of his head says he thought the headaches were from getting hit with fireworks at a New Year’s Eve party. He should have been a little suspicious when his friends started singing, “Should ammunition be forgot and never brought to mind …”

A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been complaining about a sore elbow.

An elderly couple in Florida decided to practice what they would do if someone broke into their house and during the drill the 72-year-old woman shot her husband. She claimed it was an accident but he thinks it’s because she imagined the intruder was George Clooney.

For the second time in a month, a 3-foot-long alligator was captured swimming in the river in downtown Chicago. Animal experts say the gators would not have survived Chicago’s harsh winter nor Chicagoans with sauerkraut and 3-foot-long buns.

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay wants his money laundering trial moved out of Austin because he says the city is too liberal to give him a fair trial. If he can’t get a change of venue, he wants the judge replaced with fan voting like he got on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He got thousands of angry emails calling for his resignation and a couple from bulls asking for the cow’s number.

Zaytuna College opened this week in Berkeley, California, making it the first accredited, four-year Muslim liberal arts college in the U.S. Locals are protesting because Zaytuna administrators want to build a mosque two blocks from the most sacred ground on a college campus: the football field.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Streisand of Liberty

Jimena Navarrete of Guadalajara, Mexico, is the new Miss Universe, finishing ahead of Miss Jamaica and Miss Australia. Miss USA finished last in the congeniality competition when she followed orders from the White House and completely ignored Miss Iraq.

A German skydiver sat in a rubber boat and solved a Rubik's Cube after jumping out of a plane at 14,000 feet. He’s in training in case Germany ever invades Candyland.

A New Orleans woman was jailed for ten days after she went to court in low-riding shorts which revealed her underwear. She offered to put on a second pair but the judge ruled that two thongs don’t make it right.

In China, the world’s longest traffic jam stretched 60 miles from Beijing to Inner Mongolia and moved at only 2 miles a day. The world’s second-longest traffic jam was going in the opposite direction caused by rubber-neckers.

A Go Topless Day demonstration in San Francisco consisted of 8 topless women and 14 men wearing bikinis, nipple tape or other breast coverings to promote topless equality. The men left when the women suggested they tie bricks to their chests and complain about backaches.

A survey of sex toy sellers in New York found that sales are up despite the tough economy. Unfortunately, many guys are disappointed to find out the unemployment office doesn’t recognize inflatable wives as dependents.

A New York auction house is selling a 2-foot chunk of copper designed to create part of the State of Liberty's nose during the 1980s restoration. It wasn’t used after a test showed it made her look like the Streisand of Liberty.

According to a recent survey, the American city with the most tattoo shops per 100,000 people is Miami Beach, Florida. Not surprisingly, the most popular tattoo there reads: “If found, please return to the nearest retirement community.”

Woody Allen says he switched to shooting movies in European cities because he can’t afford to shoot in New York anymore. It’s so expensive, if he had to shoot it today, one of his most popular movies would be called Hannah and her Imaginary Sisters.

Tiger and Elin Woods’ divorce hearing in a Florida courtroom took ten minutes. Nine of those minutes were devoted to Tiger’s one last attempt to get full custody of Elin’s cute nanny.

Toyota is offering Japanese drivers an optional electronic humming device on the Prius so pedestrians can hear the hybrid car coming. It also comes with a large swatter-shaped hood ornament to scare off lovesick bees.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Connecting her age spots

After losing an arm-wrestling match, a South Florida man pulled out a rifle and pressed the barrel against the forehead of the man who beat him. He’s been kicked out of the NRA for violating rule number 7: If you’re already armed, there’s no need to arm-wrestle.

A new interactive web site called has been unveiled to introduce kids to the books of Dr. Suess. If Dr. Suess were alive to see this, his next book would be “Get Away From The Computer And Hop On Pop Until He Reads You A Book Out Loud.”

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich attended a Chicago-area comic book convention and signed autographs for $50 each. He didn’t give any refunds to disappointed kids who thought he was Jughead from the Archie comics.

A 101-year-old woman got her third tattoo in two years, a sunflower on her arm. The tattoo artist came up with the design after connecting her age spots.

A pig wrestling competition at a county fair in northern Montana was canceled after fair officials were unable to catch any wild boars for the event. That’s what happens when you send out pig catchers who’ve been eating too much deep-fried bacon on a stick.

Paul McCartney, Katie Couric, Christie Brinkley and Jimmy Buffett were among the guests at former President Bill Clinton's 64th birthday party in New York. One embarrassing moment occurred when none of the women at the party would help him blow out the candles.

In Southsea, England, a couple returning from their honeymoon found a 7-foot python in their upstairs bathroom. The husband was a little upset when the wife said she thought she recognized the python from her bachelorette party.

The head of the FDA says more egg recalls may be necessary to stop the recent salmonella outbreak. It’s so bad, the suicide hotline reports numerous calls from the Easter Bunny.

“The Switch,” Jennifer Aniston's new movie about artificial insemination, bombed at the box office in its opening weekend. Moviegoers were confused since “The Expendables,” “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Vampires Suck” sound more like titles of films about artificial insemination.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Served in a sack

A Pennsylvania woman who claims she was groped by Donald Duck while visiting Walt Disney World says the incident caused her to have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, headaches, nausea, cold sweats, insomnia and digestive problems. Not to mention head injuries from jumping up instead of bending down when someone yell’s “Duck!”

A New Zealand man with a photographic memory won the 2010 National Scrabble Championship in Dallas. He’s so obsessed with Scrabble, it takes him hours to eat a bowl of alphabet soup.

Guinness World Records officials say a group of 10,267 people in China broke a 10-year-old record for the world's longest chain of human dominoes. They were waiting in line to buy iPads when the person at the front accidentally pulled instead of pushed the door.

India wants to ban BlackBerries, Google and Skype because it believes they’re threats to security. It also doesn’t want people around the world to find out they can solve their own technical problems by using Blackberries, Google and Skype.

Mike Pompeo, a Republican congressional candidate and RNC committee member, apologized for a tweet that called his opponent a "turban topper" who "could be a muslim, a hindu, a buddhist etc who knows." He had no proof that his opponent was an “etc.”

The annual Testicle Cooking World Championship is being held in Ozrem, Serbia. In honor of the main ingredients, all dishes cooked at the festival are served in a sack.

Unbeknownst to their parents, three Florida children bought tickets with baby-sitting money and flew to Nashville, Tenn., on Southwest Airlines. The kids were really disappointed when they spent all that money and not a single flight attendant went postal.

President Barack Obama signed a $600 million border security bill to hire 1,500 new Border patrol agents and other security officers. That’s $400,000 per agent, so apparently they’ll be armed with nuclear rifles.

New Jersey’s 86-year-old Senator Frank Lautenberg is planning to hold a fundraiser at the Lady Gaga concert. The Democrat hasn’t seen a young woman sing while swinging from the ceiling since his Republican colleagues stopped inviting him to their poker parties.

Doctors in Boston discovered that a spot on a 75-year-old man’s chest X-ray turned out to be a pea sprouting in his lung. Luckily, it was removed by the resident pea-diatrician.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Italian police were called to a public beach south of Rome after a mother complained that the way a topless sunbather applied her suntan lotion was "troubling" her teenage sons. My guess is that they were troubled because her hands were blocking their view.

Paris Hilton is being sued for $35 million for allegedly wearing hair extensions from someone other than the company that paid her $3.5 million to promote theirs. Paris offered to give back all of the free extensions she got because it looks like company executives have pulled out all of their hair.

General Motors announced it made $1.33 billion in the second quarter. Unfortunately, it all came from one plant that had been converted from Hummers to counterfeit hundreds.

Police in Maryland arrested a man who allegedly squirted semen from a bottle onto as many as five female shoppers at a grocery store. Another reason to avoid grocery store clerks offering free mayonnaise samples.

A restaurant chef in Iowa was fined $335 after health inspectors saw a video of him kissing and licking toads in the kitchen. The chef also fired the employee who told him if he kissed the right toad, it would turn into Rachael Ray.

North Korea has offered to use ginseng to repay nearly $10 million in Cold War-era debt to the Czech republic. Czech leaders weren’t interested until they found out ginseng can be made into beer.

The Roman Catholic Diocese of Madison, Wisconsin, now offers birth control coverage to employees, but employees could be fired if they use it. This is known as a Cath-22.

A suburban Pittsburgh man who dresses as a dog for conventions and parties has petitioned to change his legal name to Boomer the Dog. His wife was all for it until she found out local laws would require her to carry a scooper at all times.

In Minnesota, four police cars were needed to chase down and arrest the driver of a homemade go-cart who was on the road illegally. Even though he was only going 20 miles an hour in the little car, he didn’t have his fez on.

Police in Idaho seized about 100 marijuana plants from a corn field at a residential farm. They were tipped off by a green giant who was acting more giggly than jolly.

Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle, says President Obama is “the worst president in history.” Like father, like son. He spelled “wurst” with a U so he’s actually calling Obama our country’s finest sausage lover.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


A group of European scientists has developed the world’s first emotional robot that has the emotional skills of a one-year-old child. So far, the only market for a robot that acts like a one-year-old is as a birth control device.

The UK Automobile Association reports that over 17 accidents per day in the UK are caused by “iPod Oblivion,” where drivers are distracted by what’s playing on their iPods. The most common accident occurs when a song about an American car is playing and they automatically drift over to the right side of the road.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital following surgery last month to install a battery-operated pump in his heart. For the first time in his life, Cheney is more worried about D cells than sleeper cells.

In China, a man who had the world's biggest man boobs finally had an operation to remove the football-sized breasts. Although he was happy to be rid of the breasts, he was disappointed to suddenly discover that he has big feet.

Steven Slater, the flight attendant who lost after a passenger refused to sit down and then exited the plane via the emergency inflatable slide, is getting support from other people who have been victims of rude customers. One of his first calls was from President Obama who asked him to sit next to Joe Wilson at the next State of the Union address.

Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, and the campaign and election will be turned into a reality show. Then he’ll speak at a quantum physics conference on how he managed to turn 15 minutes into 3 years.

A&E is set to broadcast a reality series that will follow actor Tony Danza as he teaches a 10th-grade English class in Philadelphia. Then it will follow 11th-grade students as they try to convince job interviewers that English really is their first language.

Michigan's gubernatorial nominees from both parties said they will both push to change the nickname of state residents from "Michiganian" to "Michigander." Both are preferred over the other popular nickname: “Unemployediacs.”

A man in England lost his drivers license for three years because of a speeding violation even though he claimed he couldn’t read the speedometer because he’s dyslexic. It would have been more believable if hadn’t been doing 55.

A new study found that American girls are beginning puberty at as early as age 7. It’s so bad, pediatricians report that some younger girls are blaming the Terrible Twos on PMS.

Monday, August 9, 2010

She was spotted at a pond kissing frogs

At the Adventure Island amusement park in England, 102 people rode the Green Scream rollercoaster naked to break the world record. A number of the women lined up for a second ride when they found out what happens when G-force meets G-spot.

Turkish Airlines has grounded 28 flight attendants for being overweight and given them six months to lose some pounds. Wouldn’t it be faster to let them stay on the job and eat nothing but airline meals?

A Michigan restaurant owner says he’s offering a world record 185.8-pound burger for $499 out of patriotism because the previous record was held by a restaurant in Thailand. Nothing says “USA!” like “CPR!”

A vendor at Toronto's 16th annual Festival of Beer was selling a hemp beer called Millennium Beer Buzz. They also sold Depends for drinkers too stoned to get up and go to the rest rooms.

The New Orleans Saints visited President Obama at the White House to mark their Super Bowl XLIV victory. In honor of both last season and this season, the New Orleans players gave him a game ball and a tar ball.

A woman in North Carolina filed a lawsuit accusing “American Idol” Fantasia of breaking up a marriage and making a sex tape with the husband. The woman didn’t say what was on the tape but rumor has it Fantasia was singing “Hummertime … and the living is easy.”

A former model on the "Price is Right" filed a lawsuit accusing host Bob Barker of running her out of a job after she became pregnant. She should have known that Barker was serious when he lectured her about spaying and neutering.

A financial adviser told Britain's royal family that Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson may have to file for bankruptcy because she’s $7.9 million in debt. Ferguson is so desperate, she was spotted at a pond kissing frogs.

Rod Stewart announced he’s becoming a father again for the seventh time at age 65. Rod’s biggest mistake was when Maggie May convinced he needed to start dating much younger women instead of much older women.

A group of Hong Kong filmmakers have started shooting what they claim will be the world's first 3D pornographic film, titled “3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy.” It’s not really Zen because, in porn, everyone knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo

Elena Kagan is relieved to finally become a Supreme Court justice. Today someone asked her what she thought of the weather and, for the first time in months, she was allowed to have an opinion.

A restaurant in China recruited a new chef by inviting applicants to slice a melon on a woman's stomach. They got the idea from a chef who worked in the Clinton White House.

The staff at an aquarium in England had to put a bikini on an underwater statue of a mermaid because male visitors were spending too much time in front of the window. Now they’re spending too much time at the next window trying to get the octopus to pull it off.

A Turkish man living in New Zealand tried to convince police that he wasn’t beating his wife but was actually performing a traditional dance that involved hitting, kicking and strangling. The wife is waiting for him to get out of jail so she can show him a new dance her feminist friends taught her called the Bristol Stomp.

Senator Al Franken apologized to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell for allegedly making faces while McConnell was speaking on the Senate floor. McConnell was upset because Franken stole the idea from the Republicans’ plan for Obama’s next State of the Union address.

Rosie O'Donnell will host a new daytime talk show on OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. It will be similar to Rosie’s old daytime talk show but without all of those annoying viewers.

According to British Ministry of Defense documents, British fighter jets were scrambled more than 200 times each year during the Cold War to investigate UFO reports. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the UFOs the British were chasing away were actually Martian dentists on a mission of mercy?

In Pennsylvania, the operator of a Catholic church carnival that featured an image of President Barack Obama as the target of a shooting game issued an apology. That apparently wasn’t enough since the church announced he’s being transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo.

BP COO Doug Settles says the company might someday drill again into the same pocket of oil that spilled millions of gallons into the Gulf of Mexico. An excited Sarah Palin called him up to say, “Drill, maybe, drill!”

Police in Florida are investigating a report of someone putting condoms in the gas tank of a woman's car. As expected, the condoms caused the car to run rough but the woman didn’t feel anything.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Lamb Hops

The U.S. Marshals Service admitted it has saved 35,000 TSA airport body scan images that make passengers appear nude. What’s really interesting is that you can put the photos in a certain order and flip through them and it looks exactly like a porn video starring Laurence Fishburne’s daughter.

A farmer in China has a two-month-old lamb born with only two legs that can stand up and get around the farm. What do you call a baby sheep with only two legs? Lamb Hops.

Aerosmith's Joe Perry is upset that he found out about Steven Tyler possibly becoming an "American Idol" judge on the Internet like everybody else. It’s not like the old days when Tyler the bandmates gave each other news by writing it in vomit on the bathroom floor.

A Michigan man whose dog chewed off his big toe while he was passed out drunk says the pooch saved his life because doctors in the ER discovered he was diabetic. To show his appreciation, he plans to get the dog drunk and use the same technique to neuter him.

Robert Van Winkle, better known as the rapper Vanilla Ice, will star in a new home-improvement series called “The Vanilla Ice Project.” It’s an appropriate name because his rap career tanked in the 90s and now he’s living in the projects.

Irish-born actor Liam Neeson says he’s too old to play President Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg's upcoming film on Lincoln. Tom Cruise wants to replace him, but only if he can wear stilts and call the movie “Top Hat.”

BP claimed the “static kill” technique used on its blown-out well in the Gulf has plugged the leak. That’s good news for BP and better news for a fabric softener company that was planning to name its new product “Static Kill.”

Iran's official news agency says an explosion near President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's convoy was just an excited fan setting off fireworks, not an assassination attempt. It also reported that the stain on Ahmadinejad's pants was lemonade.

Two California women were charged with misdemeanors for a fight that turned into a brawl at a kindergarten graduation ceremony. It all started when the moms disagreed on which of their kids should be named nap-edictorian.

A Pennsylvania woman is in trouble for illegally accepting workers' compensation payments while working as a stripper. She thought it was OK because she only allowed guys to fill her g-string with food stamps.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I told you I felt flushed

Morrie Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles, passed away at the age of 90. His last words were: “All right! St. Peter has orange fingers!”

A woman in Taiwan set a world record for killing mosquitoes by swatting four million in one month. That makes her the only woman with more bloody imprints on her hand than Sarah Palin.

HarperCollins will publish the official illustrated memoir of 16-year-old singer Justin Bieber. Publishing industry experts say it could have the largest first-printing ever for a pamphlet.

Police in New Jersey were looking for a young black bear seen wandering along a stream near the Knickerbocker Country Club golf course. They warned duffers that the bear was a golf fan and was looking to put a hole in one.

Canada's Royal College of Dentistry has hired an investigator to check reports of illegal dental clinics being run from basements and bedrooms. You know you’re in an illegal clinic when you ask for a painkiller and the dentist offers your choice of a bullet, a shot of whiskey or a left hook to the chin.

The actor who played the Ty-D-Bol man in commercials has passed away. Per his request, his tombstone will read, “I told you I felt flushed.”

Charlie Sheen pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 3 months probation and 36 hours of domestic violence counseling. Or as Mel Gibson calls it, summer vacation.

LeBron James showed appreciation to his hometown fans with a full-page newspaper ad in the Akron Beacon Journal. Akron is the rubber capitol, which seems appropriate since fans in Cleveland now consider LeBron to be something often covered with a rubber.

"Glee" co-creator Ryan Murphy says Paul McCartney is a fan of the show and wants his music to be featured in an episode. McCartney won’t appear on the show because the evil bossy cheerleader coach reminds him too much of Heather Mill’s

Brett Favre has informed the Vikings he will not return to Minnesota for a second season. Apparently the team officials refused to honor his request to have the bench equipped with handrails.

Nevada Republican Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite Sharron Angle says she thinks the media should “ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.” This woman should apologize to softballs for giving them a bad name.