Tuesday, March 30, 2010

One small stop for man

The health care reform bill President Obama signed will also make it easier for students to get affordable college loans. This is the biggest incentive to convince students to attend college since George W. Bush said getting C’s was OK.

Jill Biden, wife of Vice President Joe Biden, will host a White House summit on community colleges in the fall. Biden is a community college professor who is known to be a tough grader, so husband Joe was right again when he called it a “big F-ing deal.”

A guest host filling in for Glenn Beck said that the new health care reform program is racist because it imposes a tax on tanning salons. It’s not enough to have a right to bear arms, they want tan arms too.

The Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest atom smasher, was fired up this week and broke the world record for particle collisions. That record was held by a Toyota speeding down a gravel road.

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, reportedly will not attend the Masters to watch her husband's return to golf. Instead, she’s hired the Goodyear blimp to zoom in on Tiger’s scorecard so she can see if it has any names instead of numbers.

McDonald’s has opened its first Hamburger University in China. Students will learn how to convince Chinese eaters to develop a taste for McGoo Gai Pan.

Officials at the San Francisco Zoo had to call in firefighters to help move an elderly tiger that was refusing to leave its moat. This tiger is so old, he remembers when Siegfried and Roy were doing Siamese cat shows in a closet.

Part of the ceiling of Roman Emperor Nero's Golden Palace collapsed this week due to heavy rains. No one was hurt, but the ceiling barely missed some American tourists who thought the Golden Palace was a Chinese restaurant.

Researchers in Canada have discovered that barbecue sauces are a rich source of antioxidants if they contain spices and herbs. They also found that people who get their antioxidants from barbecue sauce think the sprig of parsley on their barbecue platter is one serving of vegetables.

NASA has joined in the government's effort to figure out what caused the sudden acceleration problems that led to Toyota's massive recalls. If NASA can figure it out, it will be one small stop for man, one giant halt for mankind.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Impersonating a Pinto

Conservatives in Texas are so upset with big government, they’re protesting by not filling out their census forms. This includes former president George W. Bush, who says he wants to keep the government out of his Secret Service protection.

President Barack Obama had to sneak in and out of Afghanistan just like George W. Bush used to sneak in and out of Iraq. All of a sudden, Bill Clinton sneaking in and out of the White House to visit his girlfriends doesn’t look so bad after all.

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham is calling the health care reform bill a Ponzi scheme. And if anybody knows Ponzi schemes, it’s the party that got rid of the regulations that allowed Bernie Madoff to run his for so long.

Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife from the tomb of a high-ranking Egyptian official near Karnak temple in Luxor. They know it’s the door to the afterlife because it’s guarded by a statue that looks just like Pat Robertson.

The Republican National Committee is scrambling to explain why Chairman Michael Steele spent almost $2,000 at Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex. One dancer knew he was a Republican because he kept calling her “Killer Baby.”

Police in Germany say 67 sheep died when a pair of dogs chased them into the path of a freight train. A reporter who saw the sheep massacre cried out in his broadcast, “Oh, the ewe-manity!”

“24” may be cancelled but a movie version is in the works. The producers are doing it as a favor to Liz Cheney who says it’s the only thing her father has left to live for.

A state senator in New York has put up billboards telling young men to pull their pants up. Seems like the wrong place to display the message since guys with their pants on the ground are usually looking down so they don’t trip.

Illinois lawmakers voted to deny former Gov. Rod Blagojevich money for an official portrait in the Statehouse. It’s not because they don’t like Blagojevich. It’s because they’d have to raise the ceiling of the statehouse to make room for a painting big enough to show his hair.

Police in England arrested a man who created an anti-tailgating flame-throwing device for his scooter. He was charged with possessing an object converted into a firearm and impersonating a Pinto.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

This Can’t Last

India’s military is putting the world’s hottest chili in tear gas-style hand grenades to immobilize suspected terrorists. When tossed into a cave with a conventional hand grenade, the end result is “chili con carnage.”

Iceland's parliament has voted to ban striptease shows, making it an offense for any business to profit from the nudity of its employees. The law was prompted by the large number of Icelandic men getting poked in the eye by stripper nipples.

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape threatening to kill any Americans al-Qaida captures if the U.S. executes the self-professed 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed. He may back down when he gets the audio tape of President Obama ordering Jack Bauer to bring him in.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tried to help his re-election chances by criticizing a female member of the opposition party for being too attractive. Even if this tactic works, don’t expect the Republicans to try it with Nancy Pelosi.

The University of Wisconsin-Green Bay has switched the default font on its e-mail system from Arial to the smaller Century Gothic to save money on ink when printing emails. Students think a better idea would be for professors to switch from giving uppercase F’s to lowercase a’s.

Tiger Woods will hold his first press conference in nearly five months on the Monday before the Masters. Prior to the scandal, the Monday before the tournament was the day he walked the course to check out the shape of the greens and the blonde greens keepers.

According to a new study, one out of ten adults in China is diabetic. The Chinese government hopes to stop the epidemic by introducing new dishes like Nutrasweet-and-sour pork and Sweet-and-Low Mein.

Richard Heene, father of the infamous Colorado Balloon Boy, has been released from jail into home detention and must now wear an electronic ankle device until April 4. After that, he’s under a 5-year restraining order to stay away from balloons, blimps and clowns making balloon animals.

A Nigerian man living in San Diego was detained for two days at a Mexican border crossing by authorities who thought his dried soup vegetables were drugs. They finally released him after receiving an email from his uncle, a Nigerian prince, who promised to deposit $100,000 into their bank accounts as soon as they sent him the number.

NASA scientists say the Mars Exploration Rover Opportunity has done over 12.4 miles of total driving since it landed on Mars Jan. 25, 2004. It would have gone twice as far but NASA turned down an offer from Toyota to develop the brakes.

Discovery Communications announced that TLC will broadcast “Sarah Palin's Alaska,” an eight-episode series by the former governor. Most environmentalists who support Discovery are hoping that, in Sarah’s case, TLC stands for This Can’t Last.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Teach them fractions using nothing but fifths

Glen Oaks Community College in Michigan cooked up 327 pounds of beef chuck to break the record for the world's largest meatball. The world’s second-largest meatball still hosts a daily radio show for dittoheads.

Newsweek’s Russia editor was caught naked on tape with what is said to be cocaine and hookers. His management tried to put a positive spin on it by saying at least he wasn’t caught naked in the bathroom reading TIME.

Jerry Springer is the new host of a dating game called “Baggage.” He must not be planning to invite people who’ve appeared on The Jerry Springer Show, because then it would have to be called “Brown Paper Baggage.”

Contestants on a British game show who were given were given the opportunity to spell out a profanity for points decided not to “in the name of decency.” I think the show is called “More Ways We’re Superior To Americans.”

An Illinois woman claims a live goose fell in love with her concrete goose statue and held her hostage in her house for several hours. The bird finally left after burning its beak trying to kiss the woman’s gooseneck lamp.

An amateur fossil hunter in Texas discovered the bones of 96 million year old bird, making it the oldest bird known to North America. Experts were able to estimate the bird’s age by carbon-dating the paper bucket the bone were found in.

Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell says her new daytime television talk show set to debut in 2011 will be like “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Except that Rosie’s significant other will be named Sted-woman.

Romania announced plans to buy several secondhand F-16 fighter jets to upgrade its air force. These jets are so old, the ejection seats are triggered by untying a rope.

A 7th-grade school teacher in Southern California was arrested for allegedly teaching while drunk. The students got suspicious when she tried to teach them fractions using nothing but fifths.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A Rol-rex

A senior center in California was evacuated after someone dropped off a box labeled “Bomb” that turned out to be filled with cabbages. The center was evacuated a second time after the cabbage stew was served and someone lit a match.

Police in Iowa charged a woman with assault for allegedly hitting her sister with a toilet tank lid during an argument. The sister had the wind knocked out of her after getting hit with the toilet lid, but she started breathing again after the cops jiggled her nose.

Parents in the Modesto, California, school distract are upset with a laid-off teacher who told her students that she’ll have to take up stripping. It really bothered some dads who wish they would have gone to a couple of parent-teacher meetings.

Maple syrup producers in central Massachusetts are being criticized for tapping maple trees in cemeteries. Apparently the producers were working on developing a stiffer syrup called Mrs. Deaderworth.

It appears that New York Times Co. CEO Janet Robinson got roughly $4.9 million in compensation in 2009. “All the news that’s fit to print” is run by a woman who takes all the cash that’s fit to pilfer.

After 30 years, the Army is revising basic training and dropping bayonet drills in favor of soldiers doing stomach exercises. In other words, our troops are preparing to find weapons of mass destruction with weapons of ab construction.

Wildlife officials in Michigan say the Wolverine State has lost its only known wild wolverine. To avoid the expense of changing mascots, the state and the University of Michigan has offered to pay Ben Vereen to move to Detroit and change his first name to Wolf.

A Swiss watchmaker is offering an $11,000 timepiece made from fossilized dinosaur dung. I think it’s called a Rol-rex.

Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas says “demons” have invaded Washington and are forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill. So if you’re in Washington and you see a devil with a blue dress on, it may not be a gay Republican.

Tiger Woods released a statement saying he will play in the Masters this year. He also said he’d completed two months of inpatient therapy, then had to explain that he wasn’t actually “in” any patients.

Winston Bennett, an NBA player during the late 1980s and early 90s, claims he slept with 90 women per month before getting married and 45 per month afterwards. He kept up his stamina during the season by eating a lot of Kobe beef.

John McCain and Sarah Palin are scheduled to campaign together in Arizona next week for the first time since they conceded the presidential election in Phoenix in 2008. To prevent Sarah from saying anything that might harm his re-election campaign, McCain has been told to avoid shaking either of her hands.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Facebook is opening an operations office in India, its first in Asia. Its first order of business is to set up a new game called Ricepaddyville.

This week is the 25th anniversary of the first dot-com domain name -- Symbolics.com. Before that, Dot Com was the nickname of a woman named Dorothy who was the wife of a Soviet leader.

A 22-year-old American named Katie Spotz became the youngest person to row solo across the Atlantic Ocean. It took her over two months to complete the trip, about half the time it will take to get the song “Row, row, row your boat” out of her head.

A Dutch political party made up of pedophiles has voted to disband itself after failing for the second time to get a candidate on the ballot. They blamed the Catholic Church for giving them a bad name.

An exotic dancer in Washington has filed a lawsuit alleging she should be paid wages in addition to tips at the strip club where she works. She may change her mind when the IRS starts demanding a 1099 for every dollar bill deposited in her G-string.

Suspended Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arena said in an interview that he deserves to be punished for bringing guns to the locker room and used to have as many as 500 firearms in his home. He got rid of them when he didn’t look while picking up his remote and blew a hole in his TV.

NASA scientists lowed a video camera underneath an ice sheet in Antarctica and were shocked to find that the freezing waters contained shrimp. Apparently they’ve discovered the secret spot where shrimp hide out until Lent is over.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Cheese Wheel of Death

Just like the man who ordered it, all of the furniture is covered in plastic.

Republican state representative Kevin Garn of Utah has admitted being naked in a hot tub with a 15-year-old girl 25 years ago and paying her to keep quiet about it. I knew people skied in Utah but I didn’t know they Polanskied.

A suspected al-Qaida terrorist arrested in Yemen worked at five different nuclear plants in the U.S. between 2002 and 2008. This guy was so suspicious, there’s an employee review in his file from Homer Simpson that says “D’oh!”

The Tea Party is holding a “Surge Against Obamacare” rally in Washington DC next week at the same time the Ringling Brothers Circus comes to town. The city is bringing in snow plows to remove all of the elephant droppings. Luckily, the circus has its own cleanup team.

In an interview with the BBC, Karl Rove said he’s “proud” the Bush administration used waterboarding and didn’t think it was torture. He’s right. “Torture” is listening to Karl Rove defend the Bush administration’s use of waterboarding.

Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir was not invited to be on the Stars on Ice Tour because organizers think he’s “not family friendly.” He’ll be replaced by a family friendly skater dressed as Lindsey Vonn’s butt from the picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

The legal team for legendary music producer Phil Spector is appealing his second-degree murder conviction on grounds of judicial error and prosecutorial misconduct. This marks the first time in years that the phrase “Phil Spector is appealing” has been used in a sentence.

Prince Phillip, husband of Queen Elizabeth, committed another one of his famous gaffs when he asked a female cadet in the British Navy if she worked at a strip club. The queen ignored him but Phillip got a call from his royal grandsons asking him to stop trying to find them dates.

A British man who fell asleep while cooking bacon claims he woke up an hour later and found the image of Jesus burned into the base of the frying pan. He can’t decide whether to sell it or cook up twelve more strips to see if he can get a picture of the Last Supper.

Organizers of an annual Cheese Rolling event in Gloucester, England, have cancelled the 200-year-old event because of health and safety concerns. This was a big disappointment to a film crew there to make “Cheese Wheel of Death.”

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A tumor is actually her husband

Rush Limbaugh now denies he said he’d move to Costa Rica if Congress passes health care reform. In a related story, Costa Rica is denying reports everyone took the day off in honor of Limbaugh Liberation Day.

Australian scientists have discovered a genetically distinct colony of Tasmanian devils that save the species from being wiped out by a contagious cancer that is killing them off. They’re now trying to isolate the colony from other Tasmanian devils and a tall heavily-armed rabbit.

Researchers in Australia have discovered that our tongues can detect the taste of fat in addition to the other five tastes: sweet, sour, salty, bitter and protein-rich. This is good news for Kirstie Alley, whose doctor has been unable to explain why she’s been licking her lips raw.

Doris Haddock a woman who walked ascross America at the age of 89 to draw attention to campaign finance reform, has died at the age of 100. Liberals called her Granny D and John McCain called her “young lady.”

Dan Rather has apologized for the misunderstanding caused by a comment he made about selling watermelons along the side of the road. He was referring to what he saw while growing up in Texas and it was not a reference to racism or the only job he’s going to be able to get.

Neighbors have reported Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren outside kissing and hugging. They were kissing and hugging each other, not like earlier this year Elin was hugging divorce papers and Tiger was kissing his money goodbye.

South Africa’s government says it will need one billion condoms for the 2010 World Cup tournament. That would be the most condoms ever assembled in one location since Charlie Sheen’s last bachelor party.

Ford Motor has unveiled a tiny car called the Figo that will be sold only in India. It will come with emergency oars for monsoon season so the owner can turn it into a Figo-row.

The new show “Parenthood” features a couple whose son has Asperger's syndrome, which has caused millions of Google searches for the tem “assburger.” The show has also received thousands of recipes from vegetarians for dishes to relieve meat-induced constipation.

A man in Kansas told police he was beaten up when he tried to use Monopoly money to purchase drugs. He ould have gotten away with it but the drug dealer also wanted him to throw in his little Scotty dog.

A New York chef says he has customers lining up to try his homemade cheese made from his wife's breast milk. There’s no law against making breast-milk cheese, although putting it on a pizza with sausage requires an X rating.

A Kentucky woman who said she didn't know that she was pregnant delivered her baby on the floor of her laundry room, then picked up her other son from school on the way to the hospital. That’s where she found out that what she thought was a tumor is actually her husband.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Canterbury “tail”

Katheryn Bigelow is still celebrating the Oscar victories of her film, “The Hurt Locker.” She was spotted at a local convenience store poking holes in every bottle of blue Gatorade.

Turkey is recovering from a 6.0-magnitue earthquake. Pat Robertson says it’s God’s way of punishing Turkey for taking Jesus out of Thanksgiving.

Apple aired its first iPad commercial during the 2010 Oscars telecast. Based on what’s available on it so far, it’s already qualified to host the show next year.

Sarah Palin now admits she used to sneak across the border to get treatment from Canada's single-payer system. After the first few times she did it, her insurance refused to cover her injuries from constantly stabbing herself with a pen while dotting the ‘I’ on her hand notes.

North Korea's army leaders say they’re ready to “blow up” South Korea and the U.S for conducting military drills in South Korea. They’re just waiting for the order from Kim Jung Il, who’s busy blowing up his inflatable dates.

A high school English teacher in New Hampshire is in trouble for sexting naked pictures of herself to one of her male students. You could tell she’s an English teacher because she was holding a book by Chaucer over her Canterbury “tail.”

In her latest explanation for writing notes on her hand, Sarah Palin claims the Bible says that God did it first. That means the only thing God created before the pen was light so He could see what He was writing.

The Florida Highway Patrol says a two-vehicle crash in Cudjoe Key was caused by a motorist trying to shave her private parts while driving. She was arrested and take to the DMV – the Department of Mowing Vaginas.

Outgoing Democratic Representative Eric Massa of New York is so mad at White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel that he referred to him in an interview as “the son of the devil's spawn.” He’s already being recruited to write campaign literature for the Republican Party.

Republican State Senator Roy Ashburn of California, a fierce opponent of gay rights who was arrested last week for drunk driving after leaving a gay nightclub, now admits he’s gay. Just another Republican politician dancing at a gay nightclub in order to put more “hip” in “hypocrite.”

Friday, March 5, 2010

Jehovah’s Winstonless

After Liz Cheney called Department of Justice attorneys terrorist sympathizers for defending Gitmo detainees, a conservative blogger compared her to Joseph McCarthy. If she’s cold, stiff and manipulated by her father, wouldn’t she be more like Charlie McCarthy?

Two New York City police officers are charged with robbing about $1 million of perfume from a New Jersey warehouse. The perfume caper is already being worked into a new cop show called “Law and Order: Smelly Victims Unit.”

A group of U.S. doctors says it wants to replace the popular food pyramid with a Power Plate because “People eat from plates, not pyramids.” This is bad news for restaurants in Egypt because they make a fortune off of American tourists who get hungry on pyramid tours.

Twitter reached its 10 billionth tweet this week. The site was then swamped with 10 billion more tweets asking, “Was it me?”

Three quarters of the British actors surveyed say London’s theaters have a severe rat problem. It’s so bad, the most popular play in production is now called “Vermin of the Opera.”

British researchers have found that frozen vegetables have more nutrients than fresh vegetables if they are frozen soon after being picked. Young British boys are waiting to find out if this is also true for boogers.

In Philadelphia, a door-to-door counseling program is helping new moms cut down on smoking. The door-to-door anti-smoking program is run by a religious group called the Jehovah’s Winstonless.

General Motors announced it will reinstate more than half the dealerships it targeted to drop from its network. The 600 dealerships are the ones across the street from Toyota dealerships.

A Western Massachusetts funeral home is trying “bring life” to its business with a chili cook-off, a murder-mystery show and free limo rides to couples on their 50th anniversaries. Because nothing says “life” like a ride in a black limo with the lights on.

As part of her campaign against childhood obesity, First Lady Michelle Obama kicked soccer balls with kids at a school in Washington. Just like when they were dating, her husband was under the bleachers sneaking a cigarette.

President Obama's newly released medical report reveals he’s taking a prescription medication for jet lag. It’s different than the prescription President Bush followed to fight jet lag, which was to stay home.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Small, medium and Alexander

Sarah Palin is in L.A. with the creator of “Survivor” to pitch a reality show about Alaska. She’d have better luck with a game show called “Are You Smarter Than A Former Governor of Alaska?”

A kosher supermarket in the Baltimore area will become the largest in the U.S when it moves into the site of a former Safeway store. If you get lost in it, don’t ask for directions from any store clerk named Moses.

A company has developed a device called the “Porn Detection Stick” that will search the images on your computer and produce a report of suspected pornography. If you can’t afford $98.95, you can get the same report just by letting your wife use your PC.

A New Zealand inventor built a 60-miles-an-hour hovercraft out of parts from his barbecue, his daughter's scooter, and his wife’s car. He got the idea when he put too much lighter fluid on his barbecue that was in between his daughter’s scooter and his wife’s car.

A pilot suspected of flying with a fake license for more than a decade was arrested in the Netherlands shortly before he was scheduled to depart on a flight carrying 101 passengers. Luckily for the passengers, it was “Take you child to work day” at the airport and his 8-year-old son took over the controls.

More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were discovered by an archeologist in northern Syria. They were found inside an early vending machine offering coffee in three sizes: small, medium and Alexander.

Scientists at Cornell say they've discovered a protein that disrupts a mosquito’s ability to urinate. It won’t kill the mosquito but it keeps them up all night so they’re too tired to bite.

A toy company is marketing a product in England that allows dog owners to receive messages from their pets via Twitter. Dogs never use all 140 characters since their most popular message is “P!”

A New York woman is suing a wig store claiming that a falling mannequin head injured her foot and her husband is suing the same store claiming the injury ruined his sex life. I don’t know what she did with her foot, but I can see why he’s probably having a hard time doing it himself.

Warner Bros. studio is working on a movie adaptation of the 1960s television sit-com “Gilligan's Island” that will be set in the present day. The writers are waiting to see who gets cast as Ginger and Maryanne before deciding whether Gilligan wants to be rescued or not.

Despite the fact that a Kentucky psychiatrist is in jail charged with stabbing a female patient with a sword, some of his other patients keep showing up trying to see him. They think the stabbing was a one-time thing, kind of a Freudian slit.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

“official target” of the biathlon team.

Burt Reynolds is out of the hospital after undergoing five heart bypasses last week. Or as it’s called in Washington, the “full Cheney.”

Weight Watchers in New Zealand is allowing its logo to be placed on three McDonald's items - Chicken McNuggets, Filet-O-Fish and a chicken wrap. To add to the illusion that these are diet foods, clerks are instructed to ask, “Do you want smaller pants with that?”

The Swiss government has approved extra small condoms for boys as young as 12 who are actually having sex at that age. They found out many of the boys were improvising by using shower caps from their sisters’ Barbie dolls.

In a recent speech, General David Petraeus bragged that U.S. forces in Afghanistan have killed “boatloads of bad guys.” If that’s true, how come we never hear anything about the Taliban navy?

Nissan is recalling 540,000 cars due to wobbly brake pedals. It’s not a design problem. The pedals are getting wobbly from Nissan drivers stomping on them whenever they see a Toyota approaching.

The head of the Russian Olympic Committee has resigned after his country’s team had its worst performance ever at the Winter Olympics. It was resign or be demoted to “official target” of the biathlon team.

Republican Rep. Patrick McHenry of North Carolina wants the U.S Treasury to replace Ulysses S. Grant on the $50 bill with Ronald Reagan. If that’s not enough, he wants all riddle books to include the question, “Who’s buried in Reagan’s tomb?”

A religious group called The American Family Association wants Sea World to follow a passage from Exodus and have the killer whale that killed a trainer be put to death by stoning. If murderous whales is a biblical issue, shouldn’t they be putting the blame on Noah?

More than 78,000 people have signed an online pledge stating they will no longer use the words “retard” or “retarded.” The pledge forced the temporary shutdown of a factory making flame-retardant clothes.

Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, who piloted a US Airways flight during its emergency water landing on the Hudson River last year, is retiring. He didn’t say how he plans to spend his retirement, but I’m guessing it won’t be bird watching.

Authorities in El Paso County, Texas, say an escaped emu died in police custody after going on a rampage on an interstate and attacking deputies. They believe the emu died from shock after seeing its wings covered in barbecue sauce.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My casual Friday outfit

General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. When the motor goes out, the steering gets difficult and causes the grandparent in the back seat to tell stories about driving the old Studebaker.

On a trip to Georgia, President Obama had a Southern-style lunch of fried chicken, beans, sweet potatoes, greens and macaroni and cheese. Apparently he’s trying to improve his basketball game by looking more like Charles Barkley.

The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods is out of therapy and back on the golf course. Witnesses say his swing is a little rusty and he still cringes every time he sees a female golfer with a club.

While at the NFL Scouting Combine, Oklahoma defensive tackle Gerald McCoy says someone asked him if he wore a g-string or a jock strap when he played. It must have been a scout from a semi-pro team in San Francisco called the T-Backs.

Figure skater Johnny Weir did a photo shoot for Vanity Fair magazine while covered with body paint and glitter. Or as he called it, “my casual Friday outfit.”

Bishops in France are upset about a confession hotline that claims to allow Catholics to be forgiven of minor sins over the phone. French Catholic men have started checking to see if their dates have the number on speed-dial.

The TV Land network has ordered 10 episodes of the original comedy series “Hot in Cleveland,” starring Valerie Bertinelli, Wendie Malick and Jane Leeves. It will start airing in June and Bertinelli’s fans are calling it the “feel fat hit of the summer.”

Pamela Anderson, astronaut Buzz Aldrin and pro football player Chad Ochocinco will be some of the contestants on the next season of “Dancing With The Stars.” Anderson’s partner could become the first male dancer to break something besides an arm or a leg.

Weather experts in Lajamanu, Australia, say the fish that rained down from the sky there for two days had probably been sucked up earlier by a thunderstorm. This refutes Pat Robertson’s theory that it’s a sign God doesn’t want people eating sushi.

A prison inmate in Florida won his second consecutive Corrections Idol competition. He got the votes of both the inmates who loved that he sounded like Adam Lambert and the ones who hated it but wanted him as a cellmate anyway.

Animal experts in Claremore, Oklahoma, say a strange-looking creature captured there is a hairless raccoon, not a chupacabra, a mythical animal that drinks the blood of goats. The rumor was started by goats who had eaten copies of “Twilight.”

Monday, March 1, 2010

Garth On Ice

Restaurants serving chicken wings say the increased demand has caused the price to increase, so some are replacing them with boneless chicken wings, which is just white meat in disguise. Kind of like African-American Republicans.

The Supreme Court has declined to get involved in a new dispute over a Ten Commandments display on public property. The judges don’t want to have to explain why their recent ruling on corporate donations to campaigns doesn’t break a bunch of them.

About 5,200 naked Australians posed on the steps of the Sydney Opera House for a photo shoot by Spencer Tunick. The cold caused so much shrinkage that the pile-on photo showed nothing but shrimps on the Barbies.

Apple has admitted that child labor was used at some factories that build its computers, iPods and mobile phones. To avoid hiring kids who lie about their age, applicants must now correctly identify a cassette Walkman.

Police in Wales stopped a woman for flossing her teeth while driving 70 mph on a highway. They let her off since she was in a Toyota and could have used the floss to tie her foot to the brake pedal.

Tickets for 20 upcoming Garth Brooks concerts in Las Vegas were sold out within hours of becoming available. He’s so popular, many casinos are looking for overweight showgirls to compete with a “Garth On Ice” revue.

According to a new study, 26 percent of Americans get news on their cell phones. If this is you, invest in an app that asks you periodically if you really want to throw your expensive phone against the wall.

An Air Canada plane was taken out of service and the 205 passengers were deboarded after a rat was found on board. Then they had to wait until a crew from Wisconsin arrived with a special cheese-sniffing dog.

Pat Robertson is blaming the earthquake in Chile on the fact that the cartoon penguin Chilly Willy had a name that provokes impure thoughts.

I watched Jerry Seinfeld’s new show, “The Marriage Ref.” I’m hoping they find out the ref bet on the contest, arrest him and put this show out of its misery.