Monday, August 15, 2011

Greyhound One

According to a new book, the British had a plan during the Second World War to turn Hitler into a woman by secretly putting female sex hormones in his food. Bad plan. The only thing worse than Hitler is Hitler with PMS.

The makers of Spanx have a line of figure-changing boxer shorts that are supposed to suck in beer bellies, lift up sagging butts and smooth out spare tires. If you wonder where the fat goes, they come with a warning not to put them on before taking off your baseball cap.

Ukraine’s environmental minister has banned restaurants from giving vodka to caged bears as a form of entertainment. Not only is it bad for the bears, it’s a waste of good vodka, according to Ukraine’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Alcohol.

With his approval rating below 40 percent for the first time, President Obama is visiting three states by bus. Nothing brings confidence that our leader will fix our economic problems like watching him step off of Greyhound One.

Republican presidential hopefuls Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann appeared at the same event in Iowa without acknowledging each other’s presence. They were practicing for when they’re out campaigning and meet poor people.

Warren Buffett says in a New York Times opinion piece that billionaires like himself should pay more in taxes. Wrong place. If he wants other billionaires to read it, he should write it on the back of a senator.

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources says the invasive species known as Asian carp have been found in the Wisconsin River. Governor Scott Walker plans to stop the carp by passing a bill making it illegal for them to organize in schools.

Ron Paul says his second place finish in the Iowa straw poll with 4,671 votes shows he’s a valid candidate for president. If that’s the case, so is every kid who finished second in the high school senior class election.

Sara Lee and Kraft foods are in court fighting over whether Ball Park Franks or Oscar Meyer are the nation’s top hot dogs. No matter which one wins, we hate both of them for reminding us of Anthony Weiner.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Watch as she flies by

Malaysian radio stations worried about listeners being offended by some lyrics in Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” have been replacing them with indecipherable garble. The move backfired as Malaysians are now calling Gaga the next Bob Dylan.

Police in Malaysia have recovered about 700,000 condoms that were stolen while being shipped two months ago. The six condom thieves are now in jail where they’re getting no pleasure from being ribbed.

Darren Taylor, who calls himself Professor Splash, has broken his own world shallow water diving record by diving from a 36-foot tower into a wading pool filled with 12 inches of water. He’s been doing it for so long, he travels around the world by shipping himself in a large envelope.

A commemorative mug celebrating the upcoming Royal wedding is now a collector’s item because it has a picture of Prince Harry, the brother of future groom Prince William. It’s the perfect mug for hot drinks because Kate Middleton looks really steamed.

A contestant on “Thailand's Got Talent” shocked audiences by revealing herself as a male-to-female transgender when her soprano voice changed to tenor midway through her performance. One frustrated judge couldn’t decide whether to call the singer “Dawg” or “Cat.”

Donald Trump says he would spend up to $600 million of his own money on a presidential campaign if he decides to run in 2012. It would be more but taxpayers will foot the bill for Secret Service protection for his hair.

A Republican state representative in Texas has introduced a bill that would establish new workplace protections for proponents of creationism or other alternate theories of the origination and development of organisms. Unfortunately, Texas offers no such protection for proponents of the Hawaiian origination and development of President Obama.

First lady Michelle Obama is writing a book about her White House garden and the benefits of healthy eating. This will be the first book written by a First Lady that actually digs up some dirt.

Singer LeAnn Rimes says people worried about recent photos of her looking extremely thin should come see how she looks in person. Or better yet, look out the window during a strong wind and watch as she flies by.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, to whom history is a mystery, proudly states that she homeschooled her five children and 23 foster children. This explains why many of them come to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as Founding Fathers.

Republican Congressman Virgil Peck of Kansas claims he was just joking when he suggested that illegal immigration could be controlled with gunmen shooting from helicopters. Since he still has his job, Congress might be a new career opportunity for Gilbert Gottfried.

Despite what’s happening in Japan, House Republicans are still defending cuts to foreign aid and ocean safety in their budget proposals. Before they vote on it, let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora.

According to a new poll, for the first time ever the number of people who say they get their news online is greater than those who get it from newspapers. Newspapers are hoping to regain readers by adding a new section devoted to pictures of kittens.

Since the Amish don’t like to be photographed, Amish gun-owners in Illinois are upset about a new rule requiring photos to be on gun-owner ID cards. They’re warning this could cause a rise in serial sickle-killers.

A boa constrictor being held by a female model in Israel died after biting the woman’s silicone breast. An autopsy was performed on the snake to determine how it was able to bite and smile at the same time.

A racetrack in England is selling designer boots made in the shape of horses’ hooves. The first thing women ask the salesman after putting them on is, “Do these shoes make my butt look fast?”

A 13-year-old Ohio boy has launched his own line of scented candles called Mancans that are designed for men, with fragrances like bacon, pizza, sawdust and the smell of a new leather baseball mitt. They’re selling so well, he’s planning to open his own store called Bees, Beer and Beyond.

Alaska authorities say a 6-year-old Anchorage boy is doing better after being attacked by a moose while walking home from school. Sarah Palin blamed this on the Democrats and their push for public schools over home-schooling.

Despite winning the online poll, city fathers in Fort Wayne, Indiana, have decided not to name a new government building after a former mayor and call it the Harry Baals Government Center. Fans of Hairy Baals are hoping local construction picks up and they can use the name for a new erection.

Critics of a Nevada bill banning air fresheners and candles in public places say it will lead to smelly rooms and prohibit priests from using candles in Mass. Priests can get around the law by having the choir sing Freebird so parishioners will illuminate the church with lighters.

Monday, January 31, 2011

He’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes

The most unusual royal wedding souvenir so far is a memorial condom from Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction, which the package describes as being “lavishly lubed” and “regally ribbed.” If you think that’s tacky, those are also Kate and William’s nicknames for each other.

In Switzerland, a circus tightrope walker set a new world record by walking across a cable car wire nearly two miles above the ground. From that altitude, the Swiss army looks like a little knife.

Doctors in Warsaw say a drunk man found lying on a frozen park bench in his underwear in below-freezing weather survived because his blood alcohol level was nearly 30 times the legal limit for driving. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – tipsy.

A crematorium in Crestone, Colorado, is the only one in the nation offering funeral pyres - open-air cremations for people regardless of religion. Many families also request a walk through a nearby swamp after the funeral pyre, but the director says there’s no time to wallow in the mire.

The popularity of the HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" about Prohibition-era Atlantic City has prompted many casinos and hotels there to take on a 1920’s look. It’s the same thing that happened in Washington after the Republicans took control of the House.

The White House kicked off “Startup America,” a national campaign to promote entrepreneurship across the country. The European Union has a similar campaign to promote European businesses called “Shut up, America.”

KEE Action Sports LLC of New Jersey is recalling 1,400 paintball guns because they could injure the user or the person they’re pointed at. The aluminum paintball guns will be replaced with safer ones made from irony.

Sarah Palin says she thinks a rumored media boycott of her is good because then she won't get “blamed” for the uprising in Egypt. On the other hand, she’d love to helicopter over Cairo and shoot one of them sphinxes.

British actor Henry Cavill has been selected for the title role in the next Superman film. I’m not sure American audiences will flock to see the Man of Steel wearing a cape and a cane.

House Speaker John Bohener says he’s not going to apologize for crying and he wants people to stop picking on him for smoking. Well, at least he’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Unicorn tortillas

Kate Middleton has quit her day job working as a web designer to focus on her upcoming marriage to Prince William. She didn’t want to quit, but it was easier than trying to explain to Wills what a “job” was.

Bristol Palin says she’s received a job offer to co-host a radio show in her new home state of Arizona. You can tell she’s a Palin because she’s looking forward to showing listeners the new dance steps she’s learned.

Former Republican Senator George Allen says he made up the word “macaca” that cost him the Virginia election in 2006. And if you don’t believe him, he says you’re a midiot.

A married Canadian man is making a documentary about his trip around the world with six life-size sex dolls for company. I don’t want to give away the ending, but it involves his wife, the sex dolls, sled dogs and six Lady Gaga meat dresses.

Before it was removed, the hottest video on YouTube showed a man filming himself lying on railroad tracks while a train passes over him. It was replaced with a video shot by a witness onboard called “Throw-up Mama From The Train.”

A woman named Kate Middleton was kicked off Facebook for having the same name as Prince William's fiancĂ©e. To get her account back and keep from being harassed by fans of the royal family, she’s changing her name top Camilla Parker-Bowles.

A town council in England is in trouble for plans to use its crematorium furnace to heat a swimming pool. They didn’t think any pool users would notice since you don’t feel the crematorium heat until you’re six feet under.

Some public restrooms in Tokyo are offering video games called Toylets with eye-level screens which are controlled by the aim and pressure of the player’s stream of urine. Those with prostate problems can play Gland Theft Auto.

A California company is working on a line of medical marijuana soft drinks with names like Canna Cola and Doc Weed. You can’t overdose but if you start to feel sluggish, the company recommends switching to 7-Uppers.

The owner of Boca Tacos and Tequila in Tuscon, Arizona, has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in his tacos. Serving up endangered species hasn’t been a good idea since a medieval restaurant started offering unicorn tortillas.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Flashing their juicy fruits

Rep. Michele Bachmann will be giving the Tea Party response to President Obama’s State of the Union address. Bachmann is the perfect choice since no one in the Tea Party is better at putting the “butt” in rebuttal.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas failed to report his wife's income of almost $700,000 from a conservative think tank for at least five years. Thomas didn’t do it intentionally – he was just waiting to see what Justice Antonin Scalia put on his tax form first.

Military experts say China’s new stealth fighter jet may have been made using parts and technology from an American F-117 Nighthawk that was shot down over Serbia in 1999. That explains why much of the plane appears to be held together with stealth duct tape.

In Munich, Germany, a dentist bought low-cut dresses for herself and her nurses to distract patients while she drills their teeth. It works great, but now she has to invest in heavy-duty drool-suckers.

Republican House majority leader Eric Cantor says he believes President Obama is a citizen. He won’t say this during the president’s State of the Union address because he doesn’t want Joe Miller to yell “You lie!”

A man in Germany won a brand new Mini Cooper after having the car’s logo tattooed on his manhood. Now his girlfriend has two reasons for nicknaming his manhood “Mini Cooper.”

After 233 days in a locked steel capsule in Moscow, six researchers on a 520-day simulated flight to Mars are getting ready for their fake landing on the Red Planet. This project is so low-budget, the fake landing will be created by the six guys jumping up and down simultaneously.

Republican George Allen will try to reclaim the Senate seat from Virginia he lost five years ago after using the racial slur “macaca.” Allen has learned his lesson and will switch to the expression “You know what I’m talkin’ about.”

The Wrigley Company has pulled its ads from MTV's controversial teen drama “Skins.” Apparently Wrigley had a different idea in mind when the show’s producers said they’d show teenagers flashing their juicy fruits.

Palace insiders say Sarah Ferguson, the duchess of York and ex-wife of Prince Andrew, will receive an invitation to Prince William's marriage ceremony to Kate Middleton. Her royal invitation will be stamped “Not for resale.”

Friday, January 21, 2011

They both bunted

An Australian physicist claims that the star Betelgeuse could go supernova in 2012, causing the Earth to have two suns for a few weeks and possibly have no night. The good news is, we’ll be able to stop it if everyone on the planet simultaneously yells “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”

In Norway, a 13-year-old boy scared off a pack of wolves by playing the heavy metal group Megadeath on his mobile phone. He was playing Angry Birds and thinks the wolves may have been attracted to the pigs.

A Polish company has developed a communist version of the ultimate capitalist game Monopoly where players circle the board trying to acquire bread, toilet paper and other basic necessities. It’s expected to be popular in Poland, other former communist countries and Detroit.

Star Wars producer George Lucas says he believes the world will end in 2012. Boy, some people will say anything to get a lifetime achievement award.

South Korean special forces performed a daring raid and saved the crew of a hijacked freighter in the Arabian Sea from Somali pirates. The commandos managed to scare the pirates into submission by saying they were from North Korea.

Sacha Baron Cohen will play Saddam Hussein in a new film called “The Dictator.” And in a surprise casting decision, Borat will play George W. Bush.

For the first time since the 1800s, a small group of wild bison was herded into their historical grazing grounds north of Yellowstone National Park in Montana. Republicans protested the cost of caring for the animals because it’s a national park so taxpayers will have to pick up the buffalo bill.

Cross-dressing Day for students at a public school in Canada was canceled after protests from parents. I don’t blame them. Have you ever tried to find hockey masks for girls?

Police in Sandusky, Ohio, arrested two brothers after they hit each other in the head with baseball bats. It could have been worse but the men were lousy hitters so they both bunted.

A woman in Oklahoma is upset at school officials for giving her 7-year-old son an in-school suspension for pointing his finger like a gun. They had to do it because he was holding a box of 30 ladyfingers so that made his hand an assault weapon.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Stands With An Erection

Charlie Sheen reportedly ran up a $26,000 prostitute tab one weekend in Las Vegas in early January. This guy has more expensive hoes than a Neiman-Marcus Santa.

LeBron James has a new animated series called “The LeBrons” on YouTube that he claims will show kids of all ages how to be a good person. The only way for that to happen is for cartoon LeBron to tell the kids to turn the PC off.

Researchers in Maine have discovered a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they are calling the earliest confirmed domesticated dog in the Americas. The bone was found in a pile of human excrement, which means that either a person ate the dog or that early scooper laws were the opposite of today’s.

The president of the Boston Blazers lacrosse team apologized to fans for a racy halftime show involving scantily clad women giving lap dances to the team's mascot. What’s the big surprise? Everybody knows that “lacrosse” is a Native American word that means “Stands With An Erection.”

The maker of a $264 gastric bypass kit available on says the product was not meant for home use. People who liked it also liked the case of 144 Twinkies.

A Missouri woman who owns and operates a museum dedicated to hair says she has locks from Elvis Presley, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe. Amazingly, they were all found in a sink at the White House.

Sen. Joe Lieberman Announced he won’t run for re-election in 2012. Lieberman has run as a member of every party except the Tea Party and decided he looks silly in a three-corner hat.

An infectious disease expert says washing hands with soap and water is the best way to keep germs from spreading but there is no best way to dry hands. The worst way is asking the guy standing next to you to blow on them.

Hillary Clinton says she hasn't committed to serving a second term as secretary of state if President Barack Obama is reelected to the White House in 2012. She’s waiting for Obama to decide whether she and Biden should flip coins, draw straws or arm-wrestle.

According to the latest poll, Sarah Palin’s unfavorability ratings have reached 56 percent, the highest ever. This could kill her chances to run for president or get picked to host the Golden Globes.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Jack Bauer – The Later Years

A councilman in Huntington Beach, California, wants police to post mug shots of anyone arrested more than once for driving while under the influence. If public humiliation of lawbreakers really worked, there’d be nothing to watch on C-SPAN.

Regis Philbin announced he is retiring from “Live! with Regis and Kelly” at the end of this season. He’s been on TV so long, his wife still slaps the side of his head to stop him from stuttering.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he hasn't made a decision yet on a heart transplant. He can’t decide on what flavor he wants: vanilla or light vanilla.

Dick Cheney says he offered to step aside as vice president multiple times. Usually when he and W. were playing that game where the vice president stands behind the president and says he’ll catch him when he falls backwards.

Sarah Palin says she used the term “blood libel” to refer to people who falsely accused her of having blood on her hands. Then she held up her note-less palms and said they were ink libel too.

A girl in Pennsylvania became an accidental YouTube star after she was caught on a security camera falling into a shopping center fountain while texting. She’s already gotten offers to appear on a new Pennsylvania reality show called Erie Shore.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban announced their second daughter was born last month via surrogate in Nashville. The baby arrived before Keith and Nicole could release their new song, “She’s Having Our Baby.”

University of California-Davis officials are investigating allegations that a professor polled his students on what grade to give a classmate. Not surprisingly, the votes of the football players in the class were divided evenly between “pass,” “run” and “kick.”

The FCC and the Justice Department approved the merger of Comcast, the nation's largest cable and residential Internet provider, with NBC-Universal. The new company will be called We Shall Over-Comcast.

A study of children in Singapore found those who play 20 hours of video games a week are more likely than others to be anxious or depressed. Especially when they point their game controllers out the window and the birds don’t hit any pigs.

The producers of “The Good Wife” asked former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to appear as himself on the show. Rumsfeld turned it down because he’s holding out for the lead in “Jack Bauer – The Later Years.”

Monday, January 17, 2011

Blood liable

Freddy the cat, who moved into the Sharon, Wisconsin, Village Hall a few summers ago, has been adopted by local residents as their mayor. He’s so popular, they’re afraid someone will steal him next year to be their vice presidential running mate.

Starbucks is bringing out its biggest drink size ever: the 31-ounce “Trenta.” Trent comes from an Italian word that means “Cupholder can also be used as an emergency diaper.”

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is hosting a weeklong “Christian-based” cruise along the Alaskan coast this summer. Sarah Palin says there’s no connection between this and the 400-foot-tall wall she’s building along the coastal side of her house.

A couple in Australia had to be rescued after they tried to float down a flood-swollen river on two inflatable sex dolls, prompting a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are “not recognized flotation devices.” Unless you pay extra for the new Mike and Molly models.

A legendary British cricket umpire is demanding that his hometown to move a statue of him because kids are hanging bras and panties from its outstretched arm and finger. This is another reason why we’ll never see a statue of Tiger Woods.

The CEO of the online coupon provider Groupon apologized to Japanese customers for a New Year's deal gone wrong. He had no idea they’d be so upset when he named the Japanese subsidiary Gloupon.

Undertakers in Vienna, Austria, are planning to use a crematorium to help heat their new headquarters. You don’t want to know what they’re using in the flower beds to scare away the crows.

A vial containing blood drawn from Pope John Paul II shortly before he died will be given to a Polish church as a relic when he’s beatified later this year. The church will be responsible for protecting the relic, or as Sarah Palin calls it, “blood liable.”

There’s a new iPhone app called Oysterpedia that gives information on how to eat 200 different North American oysters. Big deal. It’s just 200 entries that say “don’t chew.”

For those not invited to the royal wedding, a London-based travel company is offering a tour of sites with links to Prince William and his fiancee, Kate Middleton. The tour includes a place where Kate once worked and the place where Wills first figured out he’d never have to.