Thursday, May 17, 2012

RNC Announces New Fall Schedule

RNC Announces New Fall Schedule

In anticipation of winning both the White House and Congress in November and finally having the mandate to shut down the liberal media and its preponderance of man-dating-man shows, the Republican National Committee has announced its new fall schedule of television programs. While Fox News will become the nation’s only news channel, all programming on the Fox Network will be replaced with these shows as punishment for cancelling “24” and allowing Adam Lambert to almost win “American Idol.”

The Big Bank Theory
Four young investment bankers can’t get dates because they spend all of their time getting rich by buying up and liquidating online dating services. For fun, they dress up as their favorite characters from “Wall Street” and fight over who gets to be the Halliburton CEO in “World of Warcraft.”

Extreme Makeover: Gay Edition
Produced by Mitt Romney and Marcus Bachmann, the newest edition of the Extreme Makeover franchise has macho construction workers luring poor long-haired gays into rundown homes where they cut off their hair and scare them straight by making them lie in the driveway while one yells “Move that bus!”

Celebrity Whatever
Hosted by Kirk Cameron, Celebrity Whatever pits liberal Hollywood celebrities against each other doing whatever until they are voted off one-by-one by judges Chuck Norris, Victoria Jackson and Ted Nugent. When none are left, they award the trophy posthumously to Ronald Reagan.

Two and a half Minorities
An African-American, a Mexican-American and a half-Asian-American live in an expensive home in Malibu using food stamps, welfare checks and unemployment payments. An elderly white liberal woman adopts them so they can sponge off of her medical insurance while she deducts them on her tax return.

Welcome Back, Mother
A home-schooled woman goes back to the old house where she was home-schooled by her mother and takes over the education of four unruly and uneducated liberal children who were just like her before her mother beat some sense into her with a bible and Fun With Dick and Jane. Counts as three credits towards your home school diploma.

America's Funniest Homeland Videos
Spying on your liberal neighbors was never easier or more fun. Tell them they can win $1000 and they’ll let you videotape them doing anything – from tripping over the copier while making counterfeit food stamps in their basement to dressing up like Siamese twins and voting twice.

Parks and Frackreation
The parks director of a small Southern town discovered she can get $500 million in government funding by letting an oil company drill for natural gas in the city’s only park. The entire city moves to Beverly Hills with the swimming pools and movie stars.

Each week, the glee club at Ronald Reagan High performs a concert of original songs written to humiliate some heathen, abominable, America-hating liberal school organization, student or faculty member and cause them to flee the campus. Guest appearances by Ted Nugent, Toby Keith and Beach Geezer Bruce Johnston.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Best Location In The Universe?

“3-2-1 liftoff! We have liftoff and Astronaut John Glenn is on his way to save our country from the evil Soviet monsters who want to take us over and make us drive ugly cars and wear big fur hats made from our own dogs!” OK, that may not be exactly how it went, but that’s the way I remember feeling as we listened to the historic mission on the radio in elementary school. We knew it was an historic event because nothing less than that would convince the nuns to skip arithmetic and let us listen to the radio in class. Oh, there was a promise once that we could listen if the Indians were in the world series but we know how that ended.

The celebration of the 50th anniversary of Glenn’s flight and how it truly changed our country and our town got me thinking about a more recent event – Newt Gingrich’s promise to establish a base on the moon if he’s elected president. I know this was more likely Newt’s way of distracting us from his two ex-wives and his current standing in the polls, but if it really was a possibility, it could be key to returning Cleveland to glory. And no, I’m not high on Tang. Hear me out.

What if Cleveland volunteered to move to the moon? Everything – lock, stock and beer barrel polka packed up and shipped to the lunar surface. Think of the jobs, think of the excitement, think of the chance to lose weight without dieting! We have the skilled labor force to build the ships and we’re used to holding our breath for long periods of time – have you watched the Cavs play lately? We know how to rejuvenate neighborhoods. That half of the moon that never sees the sun? We’ll get people to go there by putting a fresh food emporium there – the Dark Side Market. We can do this!

The benefits to becoming the Lunar City (Clevemoon? Lunarland? We’ll need to hold a contest) are enormous. Let’s start with the money we’ll save. If we leave now, we won’t have to finish the Innerbelt bridge. Better yet, we can start over and leave behind all of those things that have haunted us and taunted us – Pittsburgh, LeBron, the burning river, Dimora, Pittsburgh, the Fumble, Michigan, 10-cent beer night, Pittsburgh, Art Modell, did I mention Pittsburgh? Oh, and don’t forget the weather. The moon is covered with lakes and not one of them has a “lake effect.” The lunar rovers have been parked there for decades and there’s not a speck of rust on them. You’ll be able to take the kids to Lunar Point all year round.

If that’s not enough, here’s the ultimate incentive. By moving Cleveland to the moon, we guarantee championships for the Browns, the Indians and the Cavs. Our teams will win every game by forfeit, thus giving us new sports traditions, highlights and records we can be proud of. Thousand yard field goals! Four-hundred-foot-high alley-oops! No, LeBron, you can’t come back!

In honor of the men who inspired this idea, I propose we make John Glenn the first and oldest mayor on the moon and Newt Gingrich the first former House Speaker on the moon. Sorry, John Boehner, maybe you can get the Tang endorsement.

It’s time for Cleveland to take the title that’s rightfully ours … the best location in the universe. We can do this!