Thursday, December 31, 2009

Bar Stool Boy?

Rush Limbaugh’s doctor says his condition is stable. This is the first time the words “Limbaugh” and “stable” have ever been used together.

Rush Limbaugh says his chest started pounding after playing golf. It’s nice to finally hear a golf story where the pounding occurred above the waist.

Russia's space agency says it may launch a spacecraft to knock a large asteroid off course and reduce the chances of it hitting the earth in 2029. NASA says it isn’t worried but the plan has inspired Zager and Evans to get back together and work on an update to the song “2525.”

Lawyers for Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke say the couple wants to try getting back together. They haven’t seen each other since Charlie allegedly put a knife to Brooke’s throat, but they’ve asked their lawyers to test the waters by giving each other a hug.

Texas Tech fired head football coach Mike Leach after the coach allegedly locked an injured player in a dark room. On the positive side, Leach has already received an offer to coach at Baghdad Tech.

The motorized bar stool from a drunken driving case in Ohio is back up for sale after the winning bidder in an eBay auction failed to show up. The bidder got cold feet when it was revealed he planned to give it to his young son for a reality show called “Bar Stool Boy.”

A new poll found that President Barack Obama and his family are the people Americans would most like to have as neighbors. Who wouldn’t? They’ve got a basketball court and a swing set and you don’t have to be invited to come over and use them.

Oregon State Police says a suspicious object spotted by an employee at their Albany offices turned out to be a teddy bear
in a plastic bag. They called in the bomb squad anyway because the teddy bear had one eye missing and was wearing funny-looking underpants.

Federal transportation officials announced they'll add 150 full-body scanners to the 40 already operating in U.S. airports. And to help quickly train operators to evaluate naked pictures of passengers, they’re hiring Hugh Hefner as a consultant.

A California man was sentenced to six months of house arrest for illegally smuggling six endangered fish through a Los Angeles airport. He’s probably kicking himself for not disguising the fish as a bomb.

The New York City Health Department wants to ban smoking by both passengers and drivers in horse-drawn buggies in Central Park. Some drivers plan to switch to donkeys because no one would dare try to stop New Yorkers from blowing smoke up your ass.

A woman is suing a New York bar claiming she suffered injuries and "embarrassment" when a stuffed moose head fell off a wall and hit her on the head. Bar owners say this is becoming a serious problem whenever female customers get drunk and start swapping Sarah Palin stories.

A new road de-icer called Magic Salt is made from a byproduct of the vodka distilling process. Sales are slow because it’s more expensive than salt and not as much fun as drinking a pitcher of vodka martinis and urinating on the driveway.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs

President Obama has ordered a review of key parts of aviation security. Specifically, the part where you look for the terrorist, the part where you find the terrorist and the part where you arrest the terrorist.

Police and federal agents in Phoenix detained two men for questioning after passengers aboard US Airways Flight 192 from Orlando, Fla., reported the men were acting suspiciously. Apparently they were the only people not complaining about the long wait, the probing questions and the body cavity searches.

According to a new poll, the top political winners of 2009 are Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Sonia Sotomayor. The original survey was a tie between all member of Congress until someone noticed that “winner” was spelled “w-e-i-n-e-r.”

Swedish cellphone users sent more than 76 million text message greetings on Christmas Eve to set a record. The most frequently texted message was “I THNK I SAW TGR WOODS WIFE.” announced that the Amazon Kindle was the most gifted item in the company's history. Once people try using it, it’s expected to also break the record for the most re-gifted product in history.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano now claims that when she said the security system worked when a man attempted to blow up a plane over Detroit, she meant the bureaucratic system that responded afterward. If this were the Bush administration, she’d be piloting a plane to Detroit’s airport where she’d be met by a “Mission Accomplished” sign.

A never-before published photograph has been found which appears to show John F. Kennedy in the mid-1950s on a boat filled with naked women. The party ended before JFK changed the title of his book to “Profiles in Her-age.”

Native American tribes tired of waiting for the U.S. government to honor centuries-old treaties are buying back land where their ancestors lived. Ironically, because of the real estate crash, the lands are again worth about $24 in beads, blankets and trinkets.

Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. A Nigerian plane flew longer but was disqualified when it began to smoke before landing.

Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. That includes a 10-second connection in Atlanta.

Jasper Schuringa, the Northwest flight passenger who reportedly subdued Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, is refusing to give any more interviews unless he get paid. And he wants double if the interviewer is Barbara Walters and she tries to make him cry.

Bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have already written an episode where he has plastic surgery to look like his favorite movie star, Emilio Esteves.

Florida football coach Urban Meyer now says he’s not retiring due to health reasons but just taking an indefinite leave of absence. He expects the unexplained chest pains to go away as soon as his doctor discovers a way to clone Tim Tebow.

Chinese archaeologists have found what may be the tomb of Cao Cao, a general and ruler from the 3rd century. They got really excited when they found small paper handkerchiefs belonging to the general, because everyone knows that the Chinese go coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs.