Thursday, May 17, 2012

RNC Announces New Fall Schedule

RNC Announces New Fall Schedule

In anticipation of winning both the White House and Congress in November and finally having the mandate to shut down the liberal media and its preponderance of man-dating-man shows, the Republican National Committee has announced its new fall schedule of television programs. While Fox News will become the nation’s only news channel, all programming on the Fox Network will be replaced with these shows as punishment for cancelling “24” and allowing Adam Lambert to almost win “American Idol.”

The Big Bank Theory
Four young investment bankers can’t get dates because they spend all of their time getting rich by buying up and liquidating online dating services. For fun, they dress up as their favorite characters from “Wall Street” and fight over who gets to be the Halliburton CEO in “World of Warcraft.”

Extreme Makeover: Gay Edition
Produced by Mitt Romney and Marcus Bachmann, the newest edition of the Extreme Makeover franchise has macho construction workers luring poor long-haired gays into rundown homes where they cut off their hair and scare them straight by making them lie in the driveway while one yells “Move that bus!”

Celebrity Whatever
Hosted by Kirk Cameron, Celebrity Whatever pits liberal Hollywood celebrities against each other doing whatever until they are voted off one-by-one by judges Chuck Norris, Victoria Jackson and Ted Nugent. When none are left, they award the trophy posthumously to Ronald Reagan.

Two and a half Minorities
An African-American, a Mexican-American and a half-Asian-American live in an expensive home in Malibu using food stamps, welfare checks and unemployment payments. An elderly white liberal woman adopts them so they can sponge off of her medical insurance while she deducts them on her tax return.

Welcome Back, Mother
A home-schooled woman goes back to the old house where she was home-schooled by her mother and takes over the education of four unruly and uneducated liberal children who were just like her before her mother beat some sense into her with a bible and Fun With Dick and Jane. Counts as three credits towards your home school diploma.

America's Funniest Homeland Videos
Spying on your liberal neighbors was never easier or more fun. Tell them they can win $1000 and they’ll let you videotape them doing anything – from tripping over the copier while making counterfeit food stamps in their basement to dressing up like Siamese twins and voting twice.

Parks and Frackreation
The parks director of a small Southern town discovered she can get $500 million in government funding by letting an oil company drill for natural gas in the city’s only park. The entire city moves to Beverly Hills with the swimming pools and movie stars.

Each week, the glee club at Ronald Reagan High performs a concert of original songs written to humiliate some heathen, abominable, America-hating liberal school organization, student or faculty member and cause them to flee the campus. Guest appearances by Ted Nugent, Toby Keith and Beach Geezer Bruce Johnston.