Thursday, December 31, 2009

Bar Stool Boy?

Rush Limbaugh’s doctor says his condition is stable. This is the first time the words “Limbaugh” and “stable” have ever been used together.

Rush Limbaugh says his chest started pounding after playing golf. It’s nice to finally hear a golf story where the pounding occurred above the waist.

Russia's space agency says it may launch a spacecraft to knock a large asteroid off course and reduce the chances of it hitting the earth in 2029. NASA says it isn’t worried but the plan has inspired Zager and Evans to get back together and work on an update to the song “2525.”

Lawyers for Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke say the couple wants to try getting back together. They haven’t seen each other since Charlie allegedly put a knife to Brooke’s throat, but they’ve asked their lawyers to test the waters by giving each other a hug.

Texas Tech fired head football coach Mike Leach after the coach allegedly locked an injured player in a dark room. On the positive side, Leach has already received an offer to coach at Baghdad Tech.

The motorized bar stool from a drunken driving case in Ohio is back up for sale after the winning bidder in an eBay auction failed to show up. The bidder got cold feet when it was revealed he planned to give it to his young son for a reality show called “Bar Stool Boy.”

A new poll found that President Barack Obama and his family are the people Americans would most like to have as neighbors. Who wouldn’t? They’ve got a basketball court and a swing set and you don’t have to be invited to come over and use them.

Oregon State Police says a suspicious object spotted by an employee at their Albany offices turned out to be a teddy bear
in a plastic bag. They called in the bomb squad anyway because the teddy bear had one eye missing and was wearing funny-looking underpants.

Federal transportation officials announced they'll add 150 full-body scanners to the 40 already operating in U.S. airports. And to help quickly train operators to evaluate naked pictures of passengers, they’re hiring Hugh Hefner as a consultant.

A California man was sentenced to six months of house arrest for illegally smuggling six endangered fish through a Los Angeles airport. He’s probably kicking himself for not disguising the fish as a bomb.

The New York City Health Department wants to ban smoking by both passengers and drivers in horse-drawn buggies in Central Park. Some drivers plan to switch to donkeys because no one would dare try to stop New Yorkers from blowing smoke up your ass.

A woman is suing a New York bar claiming she suffered injuries and "embarrassment" when a stuffed moose head fell off a wall and hit her on the head. Bar owners say this is becoming a serious problem whenever female customers get drunk and start swapping Sarah Palin stories.

A new road de-icer called Magic Salt is made from a byproduct of the vodka distilling process. Sales are slow because it’s more expensive than salt and not as much fun as drinking a pitcher of vodka martinis and urinating on the driveway.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs

President Obama has ordered a review of key parts of aviation security. Specifically, the part where you look for the terrorist, the part where you find the terrorist and the part where you arrest the terrorist.

Police and federal agents in Phoenix detained two men for questioning after passengers aboard US Airways Flight 192 from Orlando, Fla., reported the men were acting suspiciously. Apparently they were the only people not complaining about the long wait, the probing questions and the body cavity searches.

According to a new poll, the top political winners of 2009 are Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Sonia Sotomayor. The original survey was a tie between all member of Congress until someone noticed that “winner” was spelled “w-e-i-n-e-r.”

Swedish cellphone users sent more than 76 million text message greetings on Christmas Eve to set a record. The most frequently texted message was “I THNK I SAW TGR WOODS WIFE.”

Amazon.com announced that the Amazon Kindle was the most gifted item in the company's history. Once people try using it, it’s expected to also break the record for the most re-gifted product in history.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano now claims that when she said the security system worked when a man attempted to blow up a plane over Detroit, she meant the bureaucratic system that responded afterward. If this were the Bush administration, she’d be piloting a plane to Detroit’s airport where she’d be met by a “Mission Accomplished” sign.

A never-before published photograph has been found which appears to show John F. Kennedy in the mid-1950s on a boat filled with naked women. The party ended before JFK changed the title of his book to “Profiles in Her-age.”

Native American tribes tired of waiting for the U.S. government to honor centuries-old treaties are buying back land where their ancestors lived. Ironically, because of the real estate crash, the lands are again worth about $24 in beads, blankets and trinkets.

Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. A Nigerian plane flew longer but was disqualified when it began to smoke before landing.

Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. That includes a 10-second connection in Atlanta.

Jasper Schuringa, the Northwest flight passenger who reportedly subdued Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, is refusing to give any more interviews unless he get paid. And he wants double if the interviewer is Barbara Walters and she tries to make him cry.

Bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have already written an episode where he has plastic surgery to look like his favorite movie star, Emilio Esteves.

Florida football coach Urban Meyer now says he’s not retiring due to health reasons but just taking an indefinite leave of absence. He expects the unexplained chest pains to go away as soon as his doctor discovers a way to clone Tim Tebow.

Chinese archaeologists have found what may be the tomb of Cao Cao, a general and ruler from the 3rd century. They got really excited when they found small paper handkerchiefs belonging to the general, because everyone knows that the Chinese go coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Fun to choke cats with

The Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest atom smasher, broke the record for proton acceleration previously held by by Fermilab near Chicago. The record was broken in spite of efforts by President Obama to block the protons and keep the record in Chicago.

Chelsea Clinton is officially engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky, whose father is a former congressman who served time for his involvement in a Nigerian investment scam. That explains why all wedding gifts will require three forms of ID.

The Supreme Court threw out an appeals court ruling ordering the disclosure of photographs of detainees being abused by their U.S. captors. They don’t want the American public to find out that some of the torturing was done by a couple that snuck into Abu Graib to get on a reality show.

A mysterious satellite channel in Iraq is broadcasting videos of Saddam Hussein. The most popular is one showing Saddam denying he had weapons of mass destruction in the form of a sitcom called The No Big Bang Theory.

Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her tirade at the U.S. Open. Serena immediately threw another tantrum because that’s the money she was planning to spend this week on getting her nails done.

According to a new poll, Americans consider Rush Limbaugh to be the nation's most influential conservative voice by a wide margin over Glenn Beck. In an embarrassing turn of events, Sarah Palin finished fourth behind her book.

There’s a lot of confusion over the recent vote in Switzerland banning minarets. For example, Sarah Palin wants to know what the Swiss have against George Washington’s favorite dance.

Susan Boyle's debut record, "I Dreamed A Dream," entered the British album chart at Number One. The title song is from Les Miserables, which is French for how she feels when she’s not singing.

The hottest toy this Christmas season is the Zhu Zhu Pet, a tiny robotic hamster. Zhu Zhu comes from an African phrase which means “Fun to choke cats with.”

Comedian and actor Tom Arnold married his fourth wife, home organizer Ashley Groussman, in Maui over the weekend. It was a typical Hollywood wedding. They gave each other tattoo removals of the names of previous spouses and lovers.

Notre Dame fired coach Charlie Weis after a string of disappointing seasons. Weis has to be paid for the six years left on his contract, which means Notre Dame can only afford to replace him with a copy of Madden NFL 10.

Dutch scientists claim they’ve grown meat in a lab for the first time and say it tastes like soggy pork. Apparently the research is funded by McDonald’s in an attempt to introduce the McRib in Holland.

A German tourist was arrested on charges of making a false bomb threat while visiting Walt Disney World. His lawyer plans to plead temporary insanity caused when the poor man lost his tour guide and was stuck for hours in the “It’s A Small World” exhibit.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Big Mac-elangelo and Mona lattes

Robert J. "Joe" Halderman, David Letterman’s extortionist, was arraigned in a Manhattan court. He pleaded not guilty to grand larceny and guilty to providing the rest of the late-night talk show hosts with a week’s worth of jokes.

October 3rd was the one-year anniversary of TARP, the Troubled Asset Relief Program that gave away $700 million in taxpayer money. To celebrate the birthday, I went out and spanked some bankers.

Michael David Barrett was arrested in Chicago and charged with taking those nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews through a hotel room peephole. Andrews picked him out of a police lineup of six guys squinting with one eye.

The city council in Providence, R.I., voted to close a legal loophole that allowed girls under age 18 to perform as strippers. The thing that underage dancers swing around on while performing is called a “stripper Polanski.”

American Idol judge Simon Cowell celebrated his 50th birthday over the weekend at a party near London attended by celebrity guests, including Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul. To avoid an accident, Simon asked Paula not to help him blow out the candles.

President and Mrs. Obama celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary over the weekend with dinner at an elegant restaurant called the Blue Duck Tavern. The Secret Service had to kick out one conservative chef who wanted to serve Obama crow.

A photograph of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s identity card shows that his name used to be Sabourjian – a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver. This could be just the birther controversy that will finally bring Ahmadinejad and Obama together.

New York City’s Education Department has banned bake sales as school fundraisers to keep students away from eating too much sugar and fats. Schoolchildren will now have to raise funds the old-fashioned way – by stealing lunch money from the younger kids.

Todd Palin has quit his oil field job as a production operator for BP PLC. He still plans to keep his fishing job so he can keep his lying skills sharp for Sarah’s presidential campaign.

Tesla Motors, makers of the $109,000 Roadster electric car, announced a maintenance plan where mechanics will travel to owners' homes to do repairs and tuneups. Sounds like the Tesla service department is run by health insurance company.

The New York Red Bulls pro soccer team is building a new stadium in New Jersey that will be used for soccer only. Based on how Americans support major league soccer, this will be the first vacant lot that someone spends $200 million on to turn into a vacant lot.

British archaeologists have discovered a smaller circle of stones near Stonehenge that they’ve named Bluehenge. Sounds like the perfect vacation spot for Druids who can’t afford Stonehenge’s high admission price.

Cirque du Soleil founder turned space tourist Guy Laliberte is clowning around on the International Space Station. NASA says he’s funny, but not as funny as watching rookie astronauts not used to weightlessness trying to use the space toilet.

McDonald’s is opening a restaurant and a McCafe in the Louvre museum in Paris next month. They’re hoping museum patrons will enjoy the new menu featuring the Big Mac-elangelo and Mona lattes.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Planes on a snake

Two teenage brothers in Australia turned in more than $86,000 they found in a creek while fishing. Being typical fishermen, they told their friends they found $172,000.

A California man charged with throwing thousands of golf balls out his car window in Joshua Tree National Park claims he did it to honor dead golfers. He got caught when park rangers found a mountain lion whacking his golf balls at tourists and pretending to be a Tiger.

Scientists at the Everglades National Park speculate that an African rock python and a Burmese python could mate in the Florida swamp and produce a huge, possibly man-eating hybrid. With the new species expected to reach well over twenty feet long, small airports nearby are cautioning pilots not to accidentally land their planes on a snake.

Former George W. Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer's new book reveals that Bush once said of Jimmy Carter: "If I'm ever eighty-two years old and acting like that have someone put me away." Secret Service agents had to stop a number of people yelling, “Why wait?”

David Hasselhoff’s 17-year-old daughter called paramedics to take him to the hospital because he was drunk, but Hasselhoff says it was just a bad reaction to some medication for an ear infection. The Hoff has invited Pierce Morgan and Sharon Osborne over so he has enough votes to kick his daughter out.

A new book reveals that Barack Obama didn’t like the slogan “Yes we can” when it was first proposed to him during the 2004 Illinois Senate race because he thought it was “childish.” He gave in when Michelle called him a big baby.

In the book "Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage," Christopher Andersen say Michelle Obama shot down Hillary Clinton as a potential vice president because she didn’t want her and Bill down the hall in the White House. Especially after the Secret Service said she couldn’t cover the doorknobs to her bedroom with Vaseline.

New York Governor David Paterson says he’ll run in 2010 even though President Obama asked him not to. Obama would rather have someone with a better chance of winning and has narrowed his list down to everyone else in New York except Al Sharpton and the Mets.

President Obama played 18 holes of golf with New York Times columnist Tom Friedman. No one would say who won, but Friedman kept complaining that the course was not flat.

The Emmy Awards did well in the ratings thanks to emcee Neil Patrick Harris. Harris couldn’t wait to rub the ratings in the noses of last year’s emcees who kept referring to him as “Doogie Hoster.”

Rocker Courtney Love allegedly went nuts when someone at a party opened an unlocked bathroom door and saw her on the toilet with her skirt around her ankles. Courtney just hates people seeing her like that without paying for a concert ticket first.

A Huntsville, Ala., defense contractor was the high bidder at $63,000 in an eBay auction for dinner with Sarah and Todd Palin. According to the rules, the dinner will not exceed four hours, no politics will be discussed and the winner must not wear Levis.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Like reprimanding a congressman

According to a new study reported in the journal Child Development, spanking 1-year-old children leads to more aggressive behavior and less sophisticated cognitive development in the next two years. Kind of like reprimanding a congressman.

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the company became "cash-flow positive" during the second quarter and has 300 million users worldwide. I can’t believe I didn’t see one tweet on this story.

During an interview, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said that by not reforming Wall Street now, we are “sowing the seeds of a future crisis.” No, wait, that’s what he said about not throwing away his little black book.

A team of U.S. astronomers used one of the world's most advanced new telescopic instruments to take pictures of the black hole in the middle of the Milky Way galaxy. Glenn Beck wants to know when our tax dollars will be spent on looking at white holes.

Bob Dylan will premiere some of his new paintings at an exhibition at the National Gallery of Denmark next year. They’ll be easy to spot because they’re fuzzy and make no sense.

A judge in Barcelona, Spain, ruled that swearing at your boss is not grounds for dismissal. Here’s an eerie coincidence … the name of the Spanish man who swore at his boss was José Wilson.

Astronomers have discovered the first planet outside of our solar system that is solid and not a ball of gas. There goes Rush Limbaugh’s dream of having a planet named after him.

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has a cracked rib. McNabb is expected to recover from the injury quickly because his doctor wrapped his chest in a bandage featuring a photo of Michael Vick.

Two-time Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, who injured her Achilles’ tendon on “Dancing With The Stars,” is getting back together with her teammate Kerri Walsh for a tournament. Walsh is a little worried about May-Traynor getting hurt again since she’ll be the only person at the event watching Misty’s ankle.

A Colorado couple getting married in Vancouver, British Columbia, has hired a ventriloquist's dummy to perform the ceremony. All of the dummy’s moves will be controlled by a female ventriloquist, giving the groom a good look at what his future holds.

Sean Penn, not yet divorced from Robin Wright, has been spotted in New York with Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Jessica White. At the next meeting with Robin’s lawyer to discuss the divorce settlement, Sean is going to be a dead man weeping.

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he injured his foot rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars.” Tom still isn’t used to having both feet on the ground instead of one in his mouth.

ACORN has ordered an independent investigation of two employees who were caught on camera appearing to advise a couple posing as a prostitute and pimp to lie about the woman's profession. The employees also got a thank-you note from the Republican National Committee for the good idea.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A bug zapper?

Volkswagen announced it will unveil a new electric car called the E-Up at this week's Frankfurt Auto Show. If the E-Up electric car replaces the Beetle, will that make it a bug zapper?

During an interview on CNBC, President Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. In response, Osama bin Laden released another audio tape with the message, “What am I, chopped liver?”

Vice President Joe Biden made an unannounced trip to Baghdad to show that the White House is still focused on Iraq. Biden isn’t worried about reporters throwing shoes at him … he’s got plenty of experience catching feet in his mouth.

According to a new book by former White House speechwriter Matt Latimer, President Bush mocked other politicians behind their backs, saying Hillary Clinton had a “fat keister.” Hillary took it as a compliment because Bush is the only president who seemed to notice her keister at all.

Congressman Joe Wilson's wife Roxanne said in a campaign video that after the president’s speech she asked her husband, “Joe, who's the nut that hollered out, 'you lie'?” She didn’t recognize it because at home he hollers at her using his “inside” voice.

Reporters are barred from Sarah Palin's speech to investors in China later this month. Rumor has it it’s a new campaign strategy she’s testing out for a possible 2012 presidential run.

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush was released from prison after nine months and accused Iraqi security forces of torturing him with beatings, whippings and electric shocks. If he thinks that’s torture, he’d better hope he never finds himself alone in a room with Bush’s mother, Barbara.

A 107-year-old woman in Malaysia who been married 22 times says she’s afraid her husband will leave her and she’ll have to start looking for number 23. She’s been married so many times, the marriage license bureau in Kuala Lumpur just stamps her hand.

President Obama's next-door neighbors in Chicago have put their 6,000-square-foot house up for sale. They want to be out before Halloween when they expect to be swamped by thousands of kids dressed like Joe Wilson looking for the l liar’s house.

Jessica Simpson posted on her Twitter page that a coyote ran off with her dog, a maltipoo given to her by ex-husband Nick Lachey. She got a tweet back from Paris Hilton telling her a place to buy a purse covered in coyote repellant.

A hotel in Aruba is offering a $300 “conception credit” to couples who can prove they conceived a child while staying there. To get the reward, the couple needs a doctor’s note confirming the conception date, not just a hotel receipt and a torn condom.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to turn a soon-to-be-closed prison building in Virginia into the nation's first chicken empathy museum. I think it’s going to be called the Guggen-hen.

Friday, September 11, 2009

“You lie!” instead of “down!”

In support of South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson, Republican dog owners across the nation are training their pooches to respond to the command “You lie!” instead of “down!”

Fran Drescher, the former star of “The Nanny,” is in talks with both Fox and MSNBC about hosting a talk show. Executives at Fox hope she chooses their network because it has a lot of other hosts who could use a nanny.

Gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya have determined she has internal male sexual organs, making her what some call a “hermaphrodite.” As a result, she’s getting job offers to become a U.S. congressional page from Republican politicians looking for a loophole.

Because a fungus is killing rubber trees in Southeast Asia and South Africa, scientists are testing the Russian dandelion, which was used during World War II to make natural latex. Dandelion latex can’t be used for condoms because it has a natural tendency to spread its seeds.

The courts are having a hard time rounding up jurors for the upcoming trial of alleged New York mobster John A. "Junior" Gotti. Many prospective jurors are calling in sick to avoid calling in dead.

Former "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul said on her Twitter page that she thinks Ellen DeGeneres will make a great judge on the show. I’ll believe it when Paula tells Ellen how to operate the secret compartment under the judges table where she keep her booze.

A Florida TV station reports that last July police stopped four men on a terror watch list who were spotted driving past the Daytona International Speedway and taking pictures. The cops got suspicious when the they noticed the men were not wearing baseball caps, did not have beer bellies and never once asked the ladies they were photographing to lift their tops.

A Catholic choirmaster in Italy who switched genders last year says it’s the reason she was fired from her job at a cathedral after 18 years of service. The pastor claims it was her new version of Amazing Grace called Amazing Greg.

Two North Carolina men were charged with stealing 16 snakes, 11 frogs and five lizards from a pet store. The men were caught selling the stolen reptiles after discovering none of them taste like chicken.

Because of a trademark violation, a New York state man was banned by a federal judge from painting the Viagra slogan on his 25-foot replica of a missile. It was OK when the missile was on the ground but Pfizer objected when he erected it.

Scientists say fibers found in a cave in Russia’s Caucasus Mountains are over 30,000 years old, making them the earliest known fibers made by humans. The fibers appear to have been from clothing worn by a caveman because they contain the world’s oldest skid marks.

General Motors has a new program called “May The Best Car Win” which guarantees car buyers that if they don't like their new GM vehicle, they can return it within 60 days for a full refund. Since the government owns General Motors, does this mean we can get the same guarantee on senators and Congress members?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

A female comedian wearing a Groucho mustache

South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson continues to apologize to those who were offended when he called President Obama a liar during his speech to Congress on health care reform. Today he apologized to members of the Liars Club, people who play liars poker and anyone whose pants have ever caught on fire.

Joe Wilson has become the new poster child for everything that’s wrong with the Republican Party. His office has been swamped with thousands of phone calls, half of them from Sarah Palin thanking him.

According to the latest polls, South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson is now less popular than used car salesmen, Michael Vick and the guy who decided to continue running Billy Mays’ commercials.

President Obama has accepted the apology of Congressman Joe Wilson. He even invited Wilson over to the White House to have a beer with Pinocchio.

John Stossel is leaving ABC News and “20/20” for Fox, where he'll host a weekly show on Fox Business and host a series of specials for Fox News. Following a trend started by “American Idol,” ABC plans to replace Stossel with a female comedian wearing a Groucho mustache.

“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen got the job after promising to not break down and cry every time Randy called someone a “dawg.”

“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen says she’ll represent the voice of the shows fans, which means she’ll spend most of her time getting between the camera and Kara DioGuardi.

The preacher who hijacked a jet in Mexico City claims he did it because God told him he had to warn Mexicans of an earthquake coming on 09/09/09. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s in trouble with God because he pointed to the sky as he was being arrested and yelled, “You lie!”

Oprah Winfrey says she wants to interview Jaycee Dugard, the woman who escaped after being kidnapped 18 years ago. If she does, audience members that day will each be given an 18-year-old car.

Police in Turkey stormed an Istanbul villa and rescued to nine captive women who thought they were being filmed in their bathing suits for a television reality show. The women got suspicious when they noticed the host filling their hot tub by drooling in it.

Paul McCartney says he hasn't played "The Beatles: Rock Band," the new video game featuring Beatles music. Ringo says he wants to play it but can’t figure out where to put his quarter in.

In a trademark dispute, McDonald's has forced a restaurant in Toronto to change its name from McFalafel. The owner plans to change the name to “Did You know His Real Name Is Ronald Osama McDonald?”

The National Football League has decided to allow fans whose local teams' games are blacked out because they haven’t sold out to watch a delayed broadcast online. This is great news for Detroit Lions fans who can fast-forward through the boring parts and just watch the cheerleaders.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Removing the ‘e’ in Middlesex

Humorist Garrison Keillor is recovering from a minor stroke but still plans to start his new season of "A Prairie Home Companion" in just over two weeks. Keillor got treated at the Mayo Clinic where all the orderlies are strong, all the nurses are good looking and all the doctors are above average.

Former Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned after sending sexy Internet messages to underage male interns, is set to host a radio talk show in Florida called “Inside the Mind of Mark Foley.” If you’re not in Florida, you can get an idea of what’s inside the mind of Mark Foley by listening to Howard Stern on “Male Strippers Day.”

Author Naomi Wolf is working on a new book tentatively titled A Cultural History of the Vagina. This is the first time that the words “culture” and “vagina” are on a product that has nothing to do with yeast infections.

E-mail spam filters have forced County Middlesex in Canada's province of Ontario to change its domain name by removing the ‘e’ in Middlesex. This is bad news for hundreds of porn sites that have been getting accidental visits from people looking for Middlesex by featuring videos of three-ways with a partner in the middle.

Australian firefighters rescued two girls lost in a storm drain who used their phones to post their predicament on their Facebook pages instead of calling the police. They’re OK and now have over 300 friend request from Dungeons and Dragons players.

A member of Sweden’s parliament is recommending bowing instead of shaking hands or hugging to stop the spread of swine flu. His fellow politicians think it’s a good idea unless they get a chance to meet Michelle Obama or Carla Bruni.

A judge in Ohio is ordering defendants to wear neon green T-shirts that say “I'm a thief” while they perform court-ordered community service. You know, we’d probably have less problems on Wall Street if CEOs accepting bailout money had to wear similar neon green pinstripe suits.

A single UPS delivery truck got the most parking violations in Denver last year with parking 196 tickets having fines of nearly $5,700. In Denver, the answer to the question “What can Brown do for you?” is “Carry a roll of quarters.”

A man and his son won their respective age divisions in the cricket-spitting contest at the Central Wisconsin State Fair. Their wife and mom said this is going to really screw up the seating at Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Weekend At Bee Gees

University of Georgia scientists have discovered that one component of deep space clouds is naphthalene, the chief ingredient in mothballs. Creationists say this proves the universe is only 6,000 years old but the mothball smell makes it seem older.

In his speech to schoolchildren, President Obama said that every one of them has something that they’re good at. School principals say this comment may be responsible for a sudden increase in bullies stealing lunch money.

In his speech to schoolchildren, President Obama warned them to be careful what they post on Facebook because it will be pulled up later in their lives. Many parents wish he would have avoided talking about pulling things up on Facebook and just told the kids to pull up their pants.

Novelist James Patterson signed a deal with his publisher to write 17 books in three years. His picture will either end up in the Guinness Book of World Records or in the dictionary next to the phrase, “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

Rescue workers in Virginia needed a helicopter to rescue a woman who fell down a rock face after accepting her boyfriend's marriage proposal. In hindsight, the man said he shouldn’t have serenaded her with Paul Simon’s “Slip Slidin’ Away.”

According to a new poll, Americans remain just as divided over healthcare now as they were a month ago. The only difference is that now both sides agree it should cover town hall gunshot wounds.

Church authorities in Naples, Italy, have banned the kissing of a vessel said to contain the dried blood of St. Gennaro because of fears of swine flu. No word yet on whether British officials will use the same reason to close the gravesite of Sir Francis Bacon.

Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in one more time on Tuesday by Chief Justice John Roberts. She’s had her hand on the bible more times than John Ensign trying to find a loophole.

Clark Gable III, the grandson of the late Hollywood screen star, is recovering after being stabbed in the rib cage during a fight at a party in California. Nurses at the hospital are tired of asking him if he needs a bedpan and hearing, “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.”

Robin and Barry Gibb, the surviving members of the Bee Gees, announced plans to reunite on stage for a series of live concerts. They considered performing with a cutout of their late brother Maurice but didn’t want the concert to turn into a “Weekend At Bee Gees.”

A new study found that more than 65 percent of U.S. children ages 7-11 watch NFL games on TV featuring ads involving alcohol, erectile-dysfunction, sex and violence. Parents say they don’t mind as long as none of the ads feature President Obama telling kids to study instead of watching football.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Number two was any building with a malfunctioning elevator

After a veterinarian for the San Diego Zoo determined that the panda cub born last month is a boy, the zoo announced it zoo will observe Chinese tradition and not name the new cub until he's at least 100 days old. They’re hoping that this will be enough time for “Barack” to become popular again.

A man in Georges Township, Pa., fired a cannon in his yard and the cannonball went through the side of his neighbor's home and landed in a closet. The man was charged with reckless endangerment and offered a job by accompany that makes puffed rice.

A pharmacist in California fooled a robber who demanded OxyContin pills by giving him Tylenol instead. The robber was caught when he stopped at a pay phone to call Rush Limbaugh and complain.

A travel Web site named Scotland's Ben Nevis as the “World's Top Climbable Mountain for Non-Climbers.” If you’re a non-climber but you can’t afford a trip to Scotland, number two was any building with a malfunctioning elevator.

Two Chicago officials are upset about the city's decision to close down Michigan Avenue for more than two weekdays so Oprah Winfrey can throw a block party. In response, Oprah wrote a check and is now closing every Chicago street BUT Michigan Avenue for a block party.

An employee of the Tampa Bay Rays was arrested for allegedly planting a fake bomb at Tropicana Field as a practical joke. The man is now in talks with the Detroit Lions about becoming manager of the visiting teams’ dressing room.

In Kansas, two men attempting to steal rocks were thwarted when the load shifted and their truck sank into the Arkansas River. Police are asking residents to be on the lookout for two men attempting to steal scissors or paper.

Workers at an AdultMart store in Lorain, Ohio, say a thief crashed his car into the shop, took a $150 sex toy and drove away. They believe it’s the same man who stopped by earlier and was turned down for a date by an inflatable doll.

A giant green cabbage at the Alaska State Fair set a Guinness World Record at 125.9 pounds. The cabbage was purchased by Alaska resident Sarah Palin, who plans to take it up in a helicopter and drop it on Levi Johnston.

South Korean researchers studying sexual attraction issued a report saying that alcohol consumption impairs vision and makes faces appear less clear. To avoid this, they recommend eating a lot of carrots before you get drunk so your eyes develop prescription beer goggles.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Cash in on residents changing their locks

Insiders say Charlie Gibson is upset over the choice of Diane Sawyer as his replacement on ABC's “World News.” He should be grateful. Until she got the job on the Today Show, Jenna Bush Hager was in the running.

The mayor of Mount Vernon, Washington - Glenn Beck's home town - says he wants to give the talk show host the key to the city. Locksmiths from across the country are rushing to Mount Vernon to cash in on residents changing their locks.

One of the private security guards at the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan, says guards were pressured to participate in naked pool parties and perform sex acts to gain promotions or assignment to preferable shifts. So it looks like there’s a few jobs left that former Republican senator Larry Craig is qualified for.

Former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling says he has “some interest” in running for the Massachusetts senate seat held for 47 years by Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy. Besides putting a dent in the Senate’s Democratic majority, Republicans want Schilling’s arm for throwing spitballs at Harry Reid.

Don Imus has signed a contract to simulcast his radio program on the Fox Business Network. Imus is getting in shape for being a Fox broadcaster by remembering what it was like before he sobered up.

Identical twin brothers accused of committing two murders three years ago during a robbery in Florida could become the first U.S. twins sentenced to death. About the only thing the brothers are grateful for these days is that they’re not Siamese twins.

Users of some public toilets in Sweden must send a text message and receive a code for payment before they can use the facility. Keying in the number is frustrating for a lot of people because it’s tough to remember 7s, 8s and 9s when you’re thinking about numbers 1 and 2.

Amazon has already sold out of The Beatles stereo and mono digitally remastered box sets set to be released on 9-9-09. People who couldn’t afford $259 for the stereo set or $299 for the mono are hoping Amazon will let them trade in their old Beatles LPs in a Cash for Clunkers program.

The founder of Cirque du Soleil announced he'll host a two-hour show from the International Space Station next month after he arrives as a space tourist. This will break Rush Limbaugh’s old record for the “highest” radio broadcast.

In Stockholm, Sweden, a man claims he’s stimulating his breasts with a pump in an attempt to produce milk from his own body. If masturbation makes you go blind, this must make you go deaf because he can’t hear his buddies calling him an idiot.

In Coventry, England, a couple invited family and friends over to celebrate their refrigerator's 50th birthday. The fridge still works, but they avoid using the freezer because there’s a couple of mysterious packages that have been in there for 50 years.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

She tied him to the tracks in front of the streetcar

The wife of Japan’s newly-elected prime minister says in a book that her soul once left her body, rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus. I’m never going to complain about Michelle Obama’s outfits again.

Police in Louisiana arrested a woman accused of stealing a 12-pack of beer by hiding it between her legs. The woman was bailed out by hundreds of guys wanting to marry her.

A spokesperson for the Rolling Stones denies a report out of Australia that 68-year-old drummer Charlie Watts had quit the band. The other Stones can’t afford to let him quit … he’s the only one who can still open their child-proof prescription bottles.

Cate Blanchett was injured when her co-star in the Sydney stage production of “A Streetcar Named Desire” accidentally hit her with a radio during a fight scene. Cate’s OK, but her co-star dropped out after she tied him to the tracks in front of the streetcar.

A 99-year-old New Jersey woman still puts in 40 hours as a secretary in her son's insurance agency. Typical mom …the son wants to retire but she keeps the company going so he won’t move back home.

Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandchild, says in an interview that Sarah wanted to adopt the baby that people wouldn't know her 17-year-old daughter was pregnant. If that didn’t work, she was going to blame the pregnancy on Russians who snuck into Alaska while she wasn’t watching them.

Houston Astros player Aaron Boone is back on the team after undergoing open heart surgery in late March. He’s such an inspiration, Dick Cheney wants a tryout with the Washington Nationals.

Sean Lennon and his model/girlfriend Kemp Muhl recreated the famous Rolling Stone cover of Lennon's parents, Yoko Ono and John Lennon, only with Muhl being naked and Sean wearing clothes. Sean originally wanted to be the naked one, but then he remembered how loud his mom can scream.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Idita-Bod

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews told Oprah Winfrey that having a nude video of her shot through a peephole distributed on the Internet was a “nightmare.” You’re telling me. I had to get a bigger monitor and a faster connection before I could see anything.

NBC announced that its new marketing slogan is “More colorful.” In response, CBS and ABC are fighting over the rights to the slogan, “More viewers.”

Macaulay Culkin's publicist denies a British tabloid report claiming that the “Home Alone” star is the biological father of the late Michael Jackson's youngest son, Prince Michael II. Blanket doesn’t look like Macaulay but he’s been known to booby-trap the house when Tito and Jermaine come to visit.

Officials at the Oregon Coast Aquarium are selling artwork painted by a pair of sea lions. Their interpretations of famous paintings include The Last Snapper, American Guppy and the Moray Lisa.

An appeals court ruled that Paris Hilton can continue pursuing a lawsuit against Hallmark Cards over the use of her picture and catch phrase “That's hot” on a greeting card. Paris is also coming out with her own line of birthday cards showing her patented technique for extinguishing birthday cake candles.

According to a new survey, people in the United States, the United Kingdom and Canada have the least respect for the professions of politician and car salesman. The main difference is that in the United Sates, that’s now a single job.

In his new memoir, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich claims his political downfall was caused by alleged betrayals and family feuds. If his family feud were a Shakespearean play, he has the hair to play both Romeo and Juliet.

Former New York Mayor and Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani will appear on “The View” in September. Rudy is actually a big fan of “The View.” Many of his favorite dresses are patterned after Whoopi Goldberg’s.

A traffic-reporting plane with engine trouble had to make an emergency landing on a highway southwest of Boston. Out of spite, drivers stuck in the traffic jam made the reporter stand on his pilot’s shoulders and direct traffic.

It looks like Adam “`Pacman” Jones will play for the Winnepeg Blue Bombers of the Canadian Football League. In honor of his move to the CFL, he’s thinking about changing his nickname to The Idita-Bod.

Chanel, a wire-haired dachshund that held the record as the world's oldest dog, died on Long Island at the age of 21. This dog was so old, she could still remember the old days when dog food actually contained meat.

After a Wall Street Journal column suggesting Dick Cheney should run for president in 2012, some people are actually getting excited about the idea. The list includes Republicans, defense contractors and Barack Obama.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Jenna will be able to get advice from her father

A dog in Australia is recovering from emergency surgery to remove 1,000 magnets it had swallowed. The owner is afraid the dog might run away now that she can’t stick it on the refrigerator door.

Weather forecasters downgraded the Pacific Ocean storm Kevin from a tropical storm to a tropical depression. It was also renamed Hurricane Kevin Bacon since every storm on the planet on Monday was within six degrees of it.

A total of 549 musicians got together in Guadalajara, the birthplace of mariachi, to set a record for the world’s biggest mariachi band. The sound was so loud, hundreds of people fled from nearby Mexican restaurants for fear they would have to tip them.

The White House says former Vice President Dick Cheney is wrong about the Obama administration's policies for interrogating terrorists. The Obama administration uses the most effective policy allowed by the Constitution … threatening to send terrorists on a hunting trip with Cheney.

President Obama played a round of golf this week at the Army Navy Country Club, which is about a mile south of the Pentagon. This is a difficult course for president because the caddies are military personnel and it’s tough to putt when you’re constantly saluting.

September 2 marks the 40th anniversary of the birth of the Internet when two computers at UCLA were connected. It was a military application, which explains why the first Internet message was a picture of topless women in camouflage bikinis.

The NFL has decided to allow players to use social media networks like Twitter and Facebook, but not during games. The only exception is Brett Farve, who is under orders to tweet all of the other teams if he suddenly feels like retiring.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai threw his sheepskin cap after a heated meeting with U.S. special envoy Richard Holbrooke. This is a serious insult in Afghanistan, second only to throwing an actual sheep.

Jenna Bush Hager, one of the twin daughters of former President George W. Bush, has been hired as a contributing correspondent for the “Today” show. The position has nothing to do with politics, the economy or world affairs, so she’ll be able to get advice from her father.

A German TV station has admitted faking a video which showed Michael Jackson still alive and getting out of a coroner's van. Michael Jackson’s doctor saw the video and is now suing the station for ruining a pair of pants and the chair he was sitting in.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Assault-and-potpourri

Police in Florida arrested a woman for attacking a smoker with sprayed air freshener. The woman was charged with assault-and-potpourri.

The Scripps Institution of Oceanography is studying a Texas-size floating trash pile in the Pacific Ocean to see if it can be used for fuel. Derogatory remarks about the trash island have offended Texas governor Rick Perry, who is urging it to secede from the Pacific.

Department of Agriculture scientists say they've discovered that watermelon juice can be fermented into ethanol and used as a biofuel. This was discovered by a scientist who ate a slice of watermelon without spitting out the seeds, passed some gas and the seeds shot through his pants.

Philadelphia fans cheered when Michael Vick entered his first exhibition game since finishing his sentence for promoting dogfighting. He hadn’t heard cheers like that since that day in prison he threw a cafeteria meatloaf 50 yards to start a food fight.

Matt Damon is only 38, but he’s getting a lifetime achievement honor, the American Cinematheque Award. I’m not saying they’re running out of people to give this award to, but it will be shown on a network special called the Bored Initiative.

The NFL Competition Committee has ruled that a football hitting the scoreboard over the Dallas Cowboys' new field will result in an immediate stoppage of the play. This will be tough to call when Dallas plays Detroit since every time the Lions have the ball it’s an immediate stoppage of play.

Authorities in Florida are investigating an incident in which a dad took his son to school in a helicopter to impress the other students. It certainly did. They grabbed the poor kid by his underwear and spun him around, naming this new move the Chopper Wedgie.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is one of 500 victims of a multi-state identity theft crime ring. Luckily no one can cash checks with his name on them since one of his forms of ID is to point to his picture on the bank wall.

“America's Got Talent” judge David Hasselhoff will sing “Feeling Good” on the next episode of the show. He’ll be using a special sound system that will not allow the microphones to pick up the audience making the sound of a buzzer.

Actress Mischa Barton said in an interview that working, traveling and wisdom tooth surgery caused a “perfect storm” that led to her recent hospitalization. If that’s her idea of a perfect storm, menopause for her is going to be a Hurricane Mischa.

Because of Cuba’s toilet paper shortage, many Cuban retirees have started a lucrative business buying and selling old newspapers. Using newspaper for toilet paper isn’t so bad …Washington Nationals fans have been doing this with the sports page all season.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

They must either be fried or on a stick

Astronomers have discovered a gigantic planet that is trying to commit suicide by orbiting closer and closer to its sun. Maybe they should have Pluto talk to it about how it overcame suicidal thoughts after being downgraded from planet status.

Concert-goers in Bucharest, Romania, booed Madonna after she criticized discrimination against Gypsies. Madonna couldn’t understand why they didn’t agree with her that people should be allowed to do musicals about old strippers.

The Dutch national museum has embarrassingly admitted that one of its prized possessions, a moon rock thought to have been brought back by U.S. astronauts, is just a piece of petrified wood. Even more embarrassing, the jar of Tang next to it is actually orange Kool-Aid.

A Nashville prison inmate says he doesn’t plan to drop his lawsuit just because the prison returned his prosthetic leg after keeping it for a year. His lawyer is urging him to give up because a jury would have been more sympathetic if he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Michelle, Sasha and Malia made the list of the 1,000 most popular baby names, but Barack didn’t. There’s probably thousands of baby boys named Barack but all of their birth certificates have mysteriously disappeared.

A South Carolina man who builds discount wooden caskets in his backyard has been banned from selling them at a local flea market. The manager doesn’t have anything against caskets, but according to flea market rules, they must either be fried or on a stick.

The song “A Boy Like That” will now be sung in English in the Spanish revival of the Broadway musical “West Side Story” because audience members who don’t know Spanish aren’t getting its true meaning. I have the same problem with the menu at Taco Bell.

A 61-year-old man in Washington state accidentally shot himself in the leg while chasing an opossum that had been terrorizing his chickens. After leaving the hospital, he got a call from Plaxico Burress asking if he can use the possum story during his appeal.

A bankruptcy judge in Virginia approved Michael Vick's plan to repay creditors he owes $20 million to. That’s a good idea because the last thing Michael Vick wants is bill collectors dogging him.

At a town hall meeting in Arizona, Senator John McCain had security remove a woman who wouldn't stop yelling at him. McCain refused to apologize even after he found out it was Sarah Palin.

Government health officials are urging people not to panic over estimates of 90,000 people dying from swine flu this fall. Look on the bright side … it’ll make the lines shorter at the emergency room.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Bagel Monster or Oscar the Goyim

Stand-up comic Sunda Croonquist is being sued by her Jewish mother-in-law for joking about her in her act. If the mother-in-law wins the lawsuit, the Las Vegas strip is expected to dim its lights and lower flags to half-staff.

No one was seriously hurt when a small plane crash-landed in the parking lot of a shopping mall in Rockaway Township, New Jersey. However, dozens were hurt in a fight over whether the plane should be allowed to park in the handicapped space.

The cable channel A&E announced plans to produce a reality show starring the late singer Michael Jackson's brothers. I think it’s called Dancing With The Out-of-Work Brothers of a Star.

“30 Rock” star Alec Baldwin says he has no plans to move to Connecticut to run against Senator Joe Lieberman. Lieberman was relieved, but he’s still concerned over a rumor that Tina Fey might run against him as Sarah Palin.

Texas prison officials say they’ve recovered all of the $250 federal economic stimulus checks that were mistakenly sent to at least 240 prison inmates. It was an honest mistake. The checks were supposed to go to bank executives whose crimes haven’t been prosecuted yet.

The Transportation Department reports that the Cash for Clunkers program generated nearly 700,000 new car sales. That makes it the best sales tool since General Motors invented the phrase “Let me check with my manager.”

China’s Health Ministry has admitted that the majority of transplanted organs in that country come from executed prisoners. This explains why so many Chinese organ recipients get a sudden urge to change their names to Chankenstein.

Microsoft issued an apology for altering a photo on its Web site in Poland to change the race of one of the people shown in the picture from black to white. What’s even more embarrassing, it used Photoshop instead of Paint.NET.

Ben Stiller, Christina Applegate and other stars will join the Muppet Grover on a new Sesame Street-style show for teaching Jewish-American children about Jewish culture called “Shalom Sesame.” No word yet on whether Grover will be joined by Bagel Monster or Oscar the Goyim.

John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s Pizza, paid $250,000 for the gold-and-black 1971 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 he sold for $2,800 in 1983 to help save his father’s tavern and start his pizza business. He almost didn’t buy it when DNA tests revealed that the stains on the front seat were from Domino’s.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

18 holes-in-one

The security technology company McAfee Inc. says searches for Jessica Biel lead to more online threats such as spyware and viruses than searches for any other celebrity. The worst one is the “What are you doing searching for Jessica Biel at work?” virus.

The crypt directly above Marilyn Monroe’s at the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery sold in an online auction for just over $4.6 million. The purchaser is now looking for a funeral director who will agree to drill a hole in his casket and bury him face down.

While on vacation, President Obama played golf with the president of UBS Americas, a Swiss-based bank at the center of investigations into illegal tax shelters. The banker kept score, which explains why the president finished with 18 holes-in-one.

World Wrestling Entertainment is rumored to be planning its own cable network. For anyone who still hasn’t figured out wrestling is fake, the network will be called HBS.

Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird was back on the track working out only a week after undergoing throat surgery. See, even horses are afraid of losing their jobs because of medical problems.

In her first gig after leaving “American Idol,” Paula Abdul will host the “VH1 Divas” concert next month. Because of a non-compete clause in her contract, Paula has hired a team of writers to come with all new things for her to say about the divas’ outfits.

Melanie Griffith's publicist confirmed the actress has checked into a rehab facility as part of a routine plan that was designed by her and her doctors years ago. It has nothing to do with the rumor that August is the month the Betty Ford Clinic runs a special for movie casting agents.

The northern Israeli city of Kiryat Yam is offering a $1 million prize to anyone who has a photograph of a mermaid rumored to have been seen off the city's shore. The prize has been a boon for businesses selling binoculars, cameras and Photoshop software.

The British Home Office has hired a team of designers to create an alternative to the traditional pint glass for beer in pubs because of a growing number of injuries due to violent incidents with the glasses. So far, the leading design is keg with 100 really long straws.

The journal Diabetes reports of new research that daylight could be a factor in reducing fat and reversing obesity. I don’t buy it. When I eat in the daylight, I can see that I haven’t cleaned my plate yet.

Scientists on Rat Island in Alaska say their $3 million eradication program appears to have rid the island of rats for the first time since the late 1700s. Former governor Sarah Palin is waiting for an estimate from the scientists on how much it would cost to rid Alaska of reporters, liberals and Levi Johnston.

President Obama nominated Ben Bernanke to a second term as Federal Reserve Chairman. Obama credits Bernanke with saving the U.S. economy, not to mention helping him explain to his daughters why they’re not getting an allowance this year.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The sippacino

Barry Dennen, Barbra Streisand’s ex-boyfriend who discovered her in 1959 and convinced her to become a singer, is auctioning off three tapes he made of her earliest performances, with bids starting at $1 million. These tapes are so old, one of the songs Barbra sings is “The Way We Are.”

Billy Ray Cyrus said in an interview he supports his daughter Miley’s stripper pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards. Miley appreciates her dad’s support, although she wish he wouldn’t have done it while holding a fistful of dollar bills.

Starbucks is raising the prices on some of its more complex drinks, like the frappucino. Customers on a budget can still get a little of their favorite by ordering the new really small serving, the sippacino.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued guidelines to colleges to prepare for a possible fall swine flu epidemic. Right now, most college students plan to deal with it by doing Nyquil shots every time someone on CNN says “swine flu.”

The owner of a South Carolina bar says the sign on the door that reads “No colors” is not racist but a ban on customers wearing gang clothing. He had no explanation for why the pool tables all had 8-balls but the sign above them said “No blacks.”

A man in Australia says he waited six months to cash in a winning $2 million lottery ticket because he wasn’t ready to become a millionaire. No, wait. That’s the reason Sarah Palin gave for staying in office after the election.

A 95-year-old Pennsylvania man listed by Guinness World Records as the world's longest-serving bartender is retiring after 77 years on the job. He’s so old, he’s the only bartender left who knows how to mix a Sex on the Rumble Seat.

Police in Massachusetts arrested a woman who attacked a store clerk with a Slim Jim snack and a bottle of apple juice. Because she used the Slim Jim, the woman will be charged with da-meat-stick violence.

According to the National Climatic Data Center, the average ocean water temperature worldwide was 62.6 degrees in July, making it the hottest the world's oceans have been in almost 130 years of record-keeping. The waters are so hot, the Gulf of Mexico is only one degree away from being reclassified as gumbo.

Current Biology reports that scientists using global positioning software found that people trying to walk in straight line usually end up walking in circles. And people who try to walk in circles usually end up becoming NASCAR drivers.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Doctor Tso’s Chicken

In his new book, former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge says he was pressured to raise the terror alert to help President Bush win re-election in 2004. Bush wanted it raised to red but Dick Cheney kept pushing Ridge to go all the way to black-and-blue.

A Seattle woman is suing magician David Copperfield, alleging he sexually assaulted her while she was a guest on his private island in the Bahamas. She thought he was going to cut her in half with a saw and didn’t like it when he refused to stop trying to karate-chop her with his bare hands.

Paula Abdul tweeted again that she’s not coming back as a judge on “American Idol.” It’s too bad because she’s finally starting to make sense in sentences she could say in under ten seconds.

Céline Dion is expecting her second child and has revealed that it’s from an embryo that had been kept frozen in liquid nitrogen for the past eight years. This is the start of a new chapter in Céline’s life but the end of a popular Vegas show called “Céline Dion’s Embryo On Ice.”

Sting’s daughter, Coc Sumner, says in a new magazine interview that the story of her father’s legendary prowess in bed, including those eight-hour marathon sessions with her mother, are actually a joke started by Bob Geldof. Sting is so upset the truth is out, he told Geldof he should to start planning a new concert called Dead Aid.

Oprah Winfrey will interview Whitney Houston on the 24th season premiere of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Instead of a car, rumor has it Whitney and Oprah will give everyone in the studio audience a free restraining order against Bobby Brown.

Filmmaker Robert Zemeckis is rumored to be in talks to direct a remake of the 1968 animated Beatles movie musical, “Yellow Submarine.” Zemeckis is hoping to get Paul and Ringo to make some of the songs more current, like “When I’m 84,” “All You Need Is Fiber” and “Lucy In the Sky With Diapers.”

A health organization is filing complaints against California porn production companies to promote the use of condoms in porn videos. Porn producers say nobody wants to see movies called “Deep Latex” or “Behind The Green Skin.”

People in Raleigh, North Carolina, are flocking to see what looks like a 30-foot-tall image of Jesus in a kudzu vine growing on a utility pole next to some railroad tracks. This is the first time Jesus has been seen in a weed, although many people consuming weed have seen Jesus.

Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to second-degree attempted criminal possession of the weapon he shot himself in the leg with and was sentenced to two years in prison. That’s one day for each of the excuses he gave for having a gun in his pants.

A new study found that ancient Chinese herbal formulas for heart disease may produce large amounts of nitrous oxide which actually widens arteries. Chinese restaurants are rushing to add the herbs to their menus in a special heart-healthy dish called Doctor Tso’s Chicken.

President Barack Obama will appear in a back-to-school television special next month with singer Kelly Clarkson and basketball star LeBron James. The president plans to explain to kids that schoolyard arguments should not be settled with beer.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Change the name of the ride to New York Subway

Simon Fraser University in British Columbia, Canada, has a new grade called FD -- meaning failure with dishonesty -- which is the possible grade a student can receive. American colleges are considering a similar new worst grade called LB, which means Lower than Bush.

Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will attend the Emmys to accept the Philo T. Farnsworth Award on behalf of NASA for the innovations that allowed the Apollo crew's live TV broadcast from the moon. Neil Armstrong couldn’t make it, but suggested that Aldrin open his acceptance speech with, “One small statue for man …”

A group of Bulgarian Orthodox priests want Madonna's upcoming concert in Sofia because it falls on St. John the Baptist day, a religious holiday on which fun and celebrations are not allowed. They didn’t accept Madonna’s offer to honor St. John the Baptist by wearing a wet T-shirt.

A number of state attorney generals are reporting an increase in unwanted phone call complaints from people on do-not-call lists. It’s getting so bad, the attorney generals are putting complainers on their do-not-answer lists.

According to ACT Inc., the Iowa company that conducts college aptitude tests, only about one-fourth of 2009 U.S. high school graduates have the skills needed to succeed in college. The number would be even lower if ACT asked students to remember to bring their own number 2 pencils.

Oliver Stone is creating a 10-episode documentary series called "Oliver Stone's Secret History of America" focusing on under-reported events that Stone believes shaped U.S. history. The events include the premieres of “Platoon,” “Natural Born Killers” and “JFK.”

Nickelodeon, the city of New Orleans and Southern Star Amusement have announced plans to create a themed water park called Nickelodeon Universe New Orleans. Combining Nickelodeon characters with New Orleans culture, the park will feature CrawfishBob SquarePants and Dora the Beads Flasher.

Management at the Thorpe amusement park in Chertsey, England, has banned roller coaster riders from putting their arms in the air during rides due to concerns about body odor. Complaints about b.o. were so high, it was either kick off the offenders or change the name of the ride to New York Subway.

Scientists at the California Institute of Technology have identified two groups of neurons in fruit fly brains that control obesity. If you’ve never seen an obese fruit fly, check the low-hanging fruit.

A new study found that people who play video games have a higher body mass index and a greater number of poor mental health days compared to non-players. This is the same group of video game players that’s demanding a new version of Guitar Hero featuring the music of Meat Loaf

Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank addressed a town hall meeting protester who compared President Obama to Hitler by saying, “Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table.” Frank was then hit by a number of flying plates thrown by a dining room table in the back.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Stop! I’m a proctologist!

According to people he’s talked to while writing his memoir, former Vice President Dick Cheney now says he was believes President George W. Bush got wimpy during his second term. Apparently Bush would pass out when Cheney would lift his shirt, pull out his heart and showed him the battery.

British troops seized several tons of raw opium on a farm belonging to the half brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Karzai had been warned to keep an eye on his ne’er-do-well brother by both former president Jimmy Carter and Jeb Bush.

Best Buy management says it will not honor an ad that mistakenly offered a big-screen TV for $9.99. Unless the customer is willing to pay full price for the $1,600 cord.

Washington state police are looking for a so-called witch doctor who offered to “cleanse” her clients’ money of evil and instead ran off with nearly $140,000. The woman used a variety of names, including Senora Monica, Fannie Mae and Bernice Madoff.

Archaeologists digging on the Isle of Mann have uncovered what may be the oldest dwelling in Britain – a 9,000-year-old shelter made of wooden posts and animal skins. They were able to date it using a stone tablet found there describing a book called “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stonehenge.”

Scientists at Brown University say they've discovered that the Candida albicans fungus performs both same-sex and opposite-sex mating activities. That explains why the fungus is common at Brown University frat parties.

Federal officials are considering a maximum-security prison in Standish, Michigan, for housing Guantanamo Bay detainees. The prisoners would be kept in line using solitary confinement, barbed wire and threats to move them to Detroit.

The International Olympic Committee executive board has selected golf and rugby for possible inclusion in the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Baseball and softball were dropped, although they may be allowed back in if they can figure out how to add the word “extreme” to their activities.

Actor Tony Danza is close to starring in a reality show where he’ll teach a 10th-grade English class at a high school in Philadelphia. Based on his acting abilities, let’s hope it’s “English as a second language.”

A doctor in Pensacola, Florida, has been fired for putting a sign in front of his clinic equating donuts with death. It could have been ugly. If he didn’t leave the premises quietly, the local police department was ready to send a SWAT team.

A man in Cape Coral, Florida, was arrested for biting off part of his doctor’s finger after the physician wouldn’t give him a prescription. The man refused to leave even after the doctor yelled, “Stop! I’m a proctologist!”

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

C-I-Had-A-Terrible-Childhood

The State Department is still trying to explain Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's outburst towards a questioner who appeared to be asking her for her husband’s opinion on an issue. The latest excuse is that the she became light-headed when the African heat made her pantsuit shrink and cut off circulation to her brain.

The Iraqi national baseball team, which has been using the same bat for four years, received a supply of new bats, mitts and baseballs from a U.S. sporting goods company. Unfortunately, their religion forced them to send back the steroids because they’re weren’t kosher.

The Writers Guild West has cleared Jay Leno of violating the guild's strike rules during the 100-day work stoppage in late 2007. Jay will have no comment on the ruling until September when he has writers again.

Botanists have discovered a new species of giant meat-eating plant in the highlands of the central Philippines that’s big enough to catch rats. The rats must not taste that great by themselves because the carnivorous vines are generally found near pepper, tomato and lettuce plants.

A swimming pool in Paris refused admission to a young Muslim woman wearing a burqini, a full body swimsuit with built-in hood, because it violated the pool’s rule for “swimming while clothed.” The pool’s management says the rule isn’t discriminatory because it’s also used to ban really hairy men.

An archaeologist claims he's located the grave of a man who was killed in an 1806 duel with Andrew Jackson in Kentucky where dueling was legal. This didn’t prevent Jackson from being elected president, which has prompted a number of Republican politicians to start looking for a state where affairs are legal.

The host of a popular Brazilian TV crime show has been accused of ordering at least five hits on drug traffickers to boost his show’s ratings. He’s been charged with drug trafficking, weapons possession and impersonating Glenn Beck.

A number of companies, including the makers of Off! Bug spray, have dropped their ads on Fox News Channel's "The Glenn Beck Program" after complaints by viewers. Beck doesn’t use Off!, preferring to repel bugs naturally by showing them clips of his show.

Former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania says he’ll visit Iowa this fall, prompting rumors of a 2012 Republican presidential run. Santorum is taking along a special voice coach to help keep his jaw from cramping during constant repetitions of the phrase “death panel.”

A jury in Louisiana found rapper Corey "C-Murder" Miller guilty of second-degree murder in the 2002 shooting death of a teenage fan in a nightclub. His lawyer asked the judge to delay sentencing until his client can change his name to “C-I-Had-A-Terrible-Childhood.”

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Only you can prevent jalapeno trees

General Motors claims the new Chevrolet Volt rechargeable electric car should get 230 miles per gallon of gasoline in city driving. That’s four times the Toyota Prius and close to the record set by a kid who built his Soap Box Derby car on top of a mountain.

A columnist for the Financial Times compared President Obama to Felix the Cat, saying that, like Obama, the cartoon cat was black and lucky. There wasn’t much outrage at the comment since the columnist appears to be the only person alive who remembers Felix the Cat.

The top-selling country music duo Brooks and Dunn announced they’re breaking up the team in 2010. This is the biggest spilt in country music since Wynona Judd stopped wearing tight pants.

A new survey found that about half of American women think the government should mandate that wives take their husbands' last name upon marriage. The survey results were a disappointment to a select group of computer technicians who specialize in replacing worn-out hyphens on keyboards.

Sweden’s National Tax Agency, which regulates names in that country, say a 19-year-old woman cannot change her middle name to Dark Knight. The ruling was made by the head of the agency, Robin D. Boywonder.

Workers in California’s lucrative porn business say it’s in a slump because of the bad economy and free Internet sites. It’s tough to get a government bailout when “stimulus package” is also the name of a porn movie.

The U.S. Forest Service is celebrating the 65th birthday of Smokey Bear by featuring him in a new children’s book that will be available in both English ands Spanish. Some things get lost in translation. In Spanish, Smokey’s message is “Only you can prevent jalapeno trees.”

Michael Vick's agent was at the Washington Redskins’ training camp but says there’s “no chance” his client will sign with the team. Vick asked for a tryout, but the coaching staff said there were too many on the list ahead of him, including a number of bobble-head dolls.

Two well-dress thieves walked into a London Bond Street jewelry store last week and stole $65 million worth of gems. The robbers figured if they dressed nice, the movie about the robbery would star Daniel Craig and Pierce Brosnan instead of Rowan Atkinson and Robbie Coltrane.

At a trial in Orlando, a 60-year-old man was convicted of groping a woman in a Minnie Mouse costume at Walt Disney World. He was sentenced to 180 days probation minus the one day he spent in the hospital having Mickey Mouse’s large red shoe removed from his colon.

In an interview with Radar magazine, Levi Johnston said that marital problems were a factor in former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation. The chapter on Levi in Sarah’s new book is expected to be titled, “OK, I Can Think Of One Person Who Should Get Euthanized.”

Officials in Cuba say the country's economic crisis is so severe that it’s in danger of running out of toilet paper. Adding to the problem is the fact that, for the first time in 60 years, we have a president who Cubans like too much to use his picture in place of toilet paper.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

People say she was just monkeying around

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford says he supports his wife's decision to move out of the governor's mansion because he had an affair with an Argentine woman. She took half of everything, including the half of the Bible he didn’t read.

U.S. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter, has introduced legislation to create a tax deduction for what pet owners spend on veterinary care, but he’s against national health care reform. In a related story, novelty shops report sales of dog, cat and hamster costumes way up.

Ben Stein was fired by the New York Times over his appearance in commercials for FreeScore.com, a company that charges for so-called “free” credit reports. Ben’s next project is getting together his former cast mates from “The Wonder Years” for a free pay-per-view reunion.

Jay Leno says his hospitalization for exhaustion in April convinced him to start running four miles a day and so far he’s lost 12 pounds. Big deal. All he has to do is lean forward and the weight of his chin gives him enough momentum for a marathon.

The wife of Monkees drummer Micky Dolenz was arrested on charges that she defrauded an affordable housing program in New York City. She’s hoping her husband rounds up some people to say she was just monkeying around.

A bride in China says her 7,093-foot-long wedding dress is a world record. Elizabeth Taylor claims her wedding train is longer, but that’s only if you string all of her dresses end-to-end.

Madonna's concert planned for Ljubljana's Stozice horse track in Slovenia has been canceled due to “unexpected logistical problems.” Apparently Madonna refused to give free rides to all of the jockeys.

A private plane carrying Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore was forced to return to the Las Vegas airport shortly after takeoff due to mechanical problems, and both of them Twittered their fans during the ordeal. The first posts were 140 characters using nothing but the characters A, H and !.

A man in Florida arrested for having more than 1,000 images of child pornography on his computer blamed them on his cat who likes to walk across his keyboard and accidentally download pictures. Authorities brought the cat in for questioning after noticing a lot of the photos were from Persia.

Archaeologists have uncovered what is believed to be the birthplace of Vespasian, the Roman emperor who built the Colosseum. They think it’s his because they found a box with a bunch of toy lions and Christians.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Trade the 40 young goats for one old one

Four women quit a new female wrestling team in Diwaniya, Iraq, south of Baghdad, because a cleric said that wrestling can lead to promiscuity. The coach is pretty upset because they were his best wrestlers: The Fabulous Fallujah, Iraqin’ Robin, Big Burka and The Roadside Bombshell.

According to the latest polls, President Obama’s approval rating dropped 7 points to 56 percent. The results are questionable because pollsters in southern states printed their surveys on the back of fake birth certificates.

A Spanish toymaker has developed a breast-feeding doll that comes with a special halter top little girls can wear to pretend to breast-feed their babies. If that’s not creepy enough, once the little girls get tired of playing with the dolls, they still want to keep the big breasts.

The Senate confirmed Sonia Sotomayor as the first Hispanic justice on the Supreme Court with a 68-31 vote. The 31 senators on the losing side felt vindicated when Sotomayor gave them no sympathy.

A Kenyan man offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for he daughter Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage. Hillary turned him down but Bill called and asked the guy if he’d trade the 40 young goats for one old one.

Aerosmith’s lead singer Steven Tyler is recovering after falling off the stage during a concert at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. Tyler doesn’t have any trouble dancing backwards, but he was leaning forward and the weight of his teeth tipped him over.

A South Korean hypnotist was fined for kissing a woman he took out on a date and thought he had successfully put to sleep. Poor guy had never been married so he couldn’t tell that the woman was faking it.

New ads on Brazilian TV tell Brazilians that if they urinate in the shower instead of flushing it down the commode, a household can save over 1,100 gallons of water a year. If Brazilians have trouble getting the flow going, they’re told to imagine the person they’re showering with is a tree.

Appearing at the annual Television Critics Association get-together, Jay Leno said he lost weight by running four miles a day. He tried Jay-walking, but was constantly being stopped by people begging him to ask them a question.

Sprint and Samsung have joined forces to develop a $50 “eco-conscious” with a casing of biodegradable plastic made partly from corn. So far, the main problem is that the corn makes voices sound husky.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Harold and Kumar Get White Hats

According to the latest data, four of the five top-selling cars in the “Cash for Clunkers” program are Japanese models, with the Ford Focus being the only American car on the list. General Motors is hoping to cash in on this trend by changing the name of one of its models to the Malibushi.

Eli Manning signed a new six-year, $97 million contract extension with the New York Giants making him the highest paid player in the NFL. He asked to be paid in dollar bills that he’s going to stack in front of the TV every time one of his brother Peyton’s commercials comes on.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il is already spinning his meeting with former president Bill Clinton. He’s having the pictures of the two of them photoshopped so it looks like he’s taller than Clinton and is trading the journalists for cash, iPods and a chubby former intern.

A new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns ranchers that cattle cause an average of 20 deaths a year on U.S. farms. The numbers are highest in South Carolina where sex with animals is common and results in a high number of cases of death by jealous Guernsey.

The Defense Department confirms that two Russian attack submarines have been spotted off the Atlantic coast over the past several days. So far, the Pentagon isn’t sure if the subs pose a threat or if it’s just Russian paparazzi hoping to get pictures of the Obamas on vacation at Martha’s Vineyard.

Vice President Joe Biden went to Detroit to announce the first round of $2 billion in federal research grants for batteries for electric cars. The people of Detroit relate to Biden because they also used to have good jobs but now just wait around for anything they can get.

To prevent her dog from flying in the cargo hold, an Israeli woman paid $32,000 and bought out the entire business section of an El Al flight from Paris to Israel so the pooch could ride with her. She won’t do it again because the dog spent the entire flight barfing into the barf bag and then eating it.

A man who calls himself a “bubbleologist” created a 20 feet by 5 feet by 5 feet soap bubble in a London park and claims it’s a world record. This beats the old record set when Rush Limbaugh did a show while soaking in a bubble bath.

Paula Abdul used Twitter to announce she’s quitting her job as judge on “American Idol.” Well, we think that’s what she said. Paula is the only Twitter user who can actually ramble with only 140 characters.

There are so many camels running around in Australia that business owners and environmentalists are trying to convince people to try eating them. They’re hoping to popularize camel burgers by opening a new fast food chain called Jack-in-the-Hump.

Word in Hollywood is that the long-running TV western “Gunsmoke” is being made into a movie. I’m not sure how much the film will resemble the show since the working title is “Harold and Kumar Get White Hats.”

Monday, August 3, 2009

Honk if you love humans

According to a new survey, nearly 90 percent of U.S. adults prefer dealing with people face-to-face rather than on Facebook. The other 10 percent are convinced no one can tell their picture has been Photoshopped.

Data from the Consumer Product Safety Commission shows that cheerleading is still the top cause of injury in young female athletes. The most serious injuries occur when walking past the football team’s dorm in their cheerleader outfits.

In a recent interview, Ryan O’Neal revealed that he hit on his own daughter, Tatum, after not recognizing her at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral. What’s worse, Tatum didn’t recognize him either when she turned him down by saying he was old enough to be her grandfather.

Sarah Palin's spokespeople continue to deny Internet reports that she and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. To prove it, Sarah and Todd were spotted at a Wasila gun shop trading in their moose rifles for matching blogger guns.

The so-called “birther” movement is now pointing to an alleged Kenyan birth certificate as proof that President Obama was not born in the U.S. This document is so full of errors, it looks like it came from the “after” ad for correction fluid.

A man in Virginia got a jaywalking ticket for helping a family of Canada geese cross a busy street. The geese are trying to rally support for the man by passing out bumper stickers to other geese that read, “Honk if you love humans.”

Organizers of a British attempt at a world record for the most bikini-wearing women photographed in one place missed the record by around 1,900 when only 42 women showed up. Their first mistake was offering any woman who showed up in a bikini a free serving of that British dessert, spotted dick.

The Obama administration is considering a move to convince Iran so shut down its nuclear program by cutting off gasoline imports to that country. Since Iran’s oil reserves are the second-largest in the world, this is like trying to convince politicians to stop having affairs by banning foreign women.

Officials of the Hungarian Football Association are refusing to allow Madonna to perform at Budapest's soccer stadium. Besides messing up the field, they’re afraid the players would get depressed when they compare their skinny arms to Madonna’s.

British candy maker Cadbury is bringing back its Wispa Gold chocolate bar with a gold leaf-covered special edition bar priced at $1,618 chocolate. It’s safely on display in a vending machine that only takes wire transfers from Swiss banks.

A man in North Babylon, N.Y., swung at nearly 7,000 baseball pitches for 13 1/2 hours during a failed attempt to break a Guinness world record. He was cheered up when a Major League Baseball official said that his total number of missed swings qualified him as an honorary Washington National.

Ford Motor Company claims the government’s cash-for-clunkers program helped it record its first monthly sales increase in nearly two years. On the other hand, General Motors dealers were disappointed when prospective buyers parked their clunkers next to the new models and couldn’t tell them apart.

Friday, July 31, 2009

The “tastes great-less filling” summit

According to a study in the New England Journal of Medicine, scientists in Europe used mosquitoes as flying needles to deliver a “vaccine” of live malaria parasites that would immunize the person they bit. Looks like we Americans aren’t the only ones getting stung by our health care providers.

The bomb squad was called out to inspect a suspicious package discovered outside Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Studios in Chicago and determined it was harmless. Oprah was so relieved, she ran around the audience yelling, “You get a bomb-sniffing dog! You get a bomb-sniffing dog! Everybody gets a bomb-sniffing dog!

Debbie Rowe, the mother of Michael Jackson's two oldest children, will get $4 million as part of a child custody deal that will allow the kids to stay with their grandmother. Rowe plans to use part of the money for psychiatric treatment to help her stop feeling so icky all over.

“Seinfeld” co-creator Larry David is reuniting the cast of “Seinfeld” for the finale of his current show, “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Based on how their careers have gone since then, the episode should be called “Curse Your Enthusiasm.”

According to a new poll, only 42 percent of Republicans believe that President Barack Obama was born in the United States. The rest can’t find Hawaii, Obama’s stated birthplace, on a globe because it doesn’t look anything like the flat one they have at home.

The House has approved an additional $2 billion for the “Cash for clunkers” program, which has already spent the first $1 billion it was allocated. Some of the money will come from recycled aluminum cans from President Obama’s new “Beer for diplomacy” program.

Researchers at Zurich University have found that people who live in the Swiss Alps have fewer heart problems than those living in valleys. They’re not sure if it’s due to the altitude, food or exercise from trying to keep from sliding down the mountains using nothing but a Swiss army knife.

Police in Michigan arrested a man who assaulted a female friend for refusing to sell him Park Place and Boardwalk while playing Monopoly. The man went directly to jail in a silver car and did not have the $200 needed for bail.

Swimming's governing body FINA has decided to ban the new record-breaking swimsuits starting on January 1. That gives swimmers five more months before they have to go back to using those painful eight-blade body hair razors.

After having a beer with president Obama and Vice President Biden, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge police Sgt. Joseph Crowley agreed to disagree. At that point, the so-called “beer summit” became the “tastes great-less filling” summit.

After being pulled over for a traffic violation, a woman in Georgia was arrested when police found $13,000 worth of methamphetamine in her bra. The cops got suspicious when her breasts kept trying to hide behind her back.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Hairy Governor and the Chamber of Senate

Because of the recession, brothels in German are offering customers the chance to sleep with as many prostitutes as they like for a single fee. If this were a porn movie, it would be called “Cheap Throat.”

Sources in the radio industry say Clear Channel has turned down Sarah Palin as a radio talk show host because it doesn’t think she can talk for three hours a day. They also feared what might happen if college students listening to the show started taking a drink every time Sarah said “You betcha.”

Last year, the Cleveland Indians traded CC Sabathia the year after he won the Cy Young Award. This week they did it again, trading reigning Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. If you’re keeping score, the symbol for this move is a “W” covered with correction fluid.

Michael Vick says he is getting close to signing with an NFL team. He won’t say which one, but umor has it the team’s initials are W-T-F.

The current Buick Open golf tournament will be the last one sponsored by General Motors. The younger golfers have been bugging Tom Watson all week to tell them what it was like in the old days when people actually bought Buicks.

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has finished his book about his impeachment and removal from office. He’s hoping to eventually turn it into a movie by calling it “Hairy Governor and the Chamber of Senate.”

The Swedish tax agency, which is in charge of Swedish baby names, has denied a family's request to have their newborn daughter named Michael after Michael Jackson because it’s a boy’s name. Following the same Jackson logic, the agency took away the baby girl’s favorite toy because “Blanket” is also a boy’s name.

Nine elderly men from a Virginia retirement community posed naked for a calendar to raise money for a local volunteer rescue squad. There were supposed to be three more, but the photographer showed up on the day the cafeteria served prunes.

Disney World has agreed to replace a toy sword and a toy gun taken from two young boys by Transportation Security Administration officers at a Fort Lauderdale airport. Now they need to give TSA a supply of Goofy hats.

Police officers in Calgary, Alberta – Canada’s self-proclaimed "Cowtown" – are turning in their police caps for white cowboy hats. The cops are just glad Calgary’s nickname isn’t “Beanie Town.”

Eight people named "John Doe" are on voter registration rolls in the state of New York. Seven of the men took the name as a joke while the eighth one only uses it when Hillary is out of town.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Yahooters!

A new study reports that the ultraviolet radiation from tanning beds is as dangerous as arsenic. The only thing this study accomplished was to inspire Judd Apatow to start on a new movie called “Tanning Bed and Old Lace.”

Commenting on his recent broken wrist due to a fall, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Unfortunately, my own guardian angel did not prevent my injury, certainly following superior orders.” This is the same guardian angel he blamed for not stopping him from staring at First Lady Michelle Obama’s legs.

Fox News Channel commentator Glenn Beck says he believes President Barack Obama is a racist. He came to this conclusion while listening to Obama’s last press conference using his Rush Limbaugh secret decoder headphones.

The front page of Israel's biggest daily newspaper is carrying articles in Hebrew written by Madonna under her Hebrew name of Esther. I don’t read Hebrew but I think one of them is about how you can get arms like her by pumping bagels.

Quarterback Brett Favre has decided not to come out of retirement and play for the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings are now testing face-covering helmets that will hide a player’s identity in hopes of secretly signing Michael Vick.

Insiders in the radio industry say Sarah Palin’s representatives “have been quietly testing the waters to see how much interest radio syndicators have for her.” Palin will be a tough sell on radio unless they can figure out a way to broadcast the sound effect of a wink.

A Russian group has asked Madonna to dress modestly and sing a revolutionary song when she performs in St. Petersburg this weekend. Madonna is hoping they’ll accept her wearing a fur bikini and singing a Russian version of one of her hits, “Like A Frozen Virgin.”

Police in Atlanta arrested a woman for allegedly running a strip club in her basement. Neighbors started to get suspicious lat Christmas when she gave them all gift-wrapped boxes of dollar bills.

The mayor of Venice, Italy, called the police after he caught a tourist urinating into a canal. The man apparently thought he was in Las Vegas.

Microsoft and Yahoo! have worked out a deal where Yahoo! will provide Microsoft’s new search engine, Bing. In retaliation, Google is redirecting all searches containing an exclamation point to a porn site called Yahooters!

A study of 2,000 U.S. women ages 45-80 found that 60 percent of them had been sexually active in the previous three months. For a complete list of their names, check out the Twitter followers of Ashton Kutcher.

Some health officials are warning that college students need to take steps to protect themselves from the swine flu virus by getting two flu shots. University infirmaries are hoping to entice students to get the shots by offering them with salt and limes.

Flower and gift retailer 1-800-Flowers.com has become the first company to open a store for its products on Facebook. They hope to target married guys who post comments indicating they’re guilty of something.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Chased by giant fruit flies who looked like Grace Slick

Olympic gold medalist Ricky Berens tore the back of his swimsuit in competition at the World Swimming Championships in Rome and exposed his rear to the fans. Everyone else was swimming the freestyle while he did the butt-erfly.

Scientists have discovered that the compound Brilliant Blue G can help heal spinal cord injuries but also turns the patient’s skin bright blue. That explains why the guy in the wheelchair on “Handicapped Parking” signs is never a Smurf.

Former quarterback Michael Vick has been conditionally reinstated by the NFL and can join a team and possibly play for a part of this season. Any team that signs him should first find a trainer who can tape both ankles and mouths.

According to a new study, a driver texting on a cell phone is 23.2 times as likely to be in a crash as an undistracted driver. On the other hand, a driver who is texting is 23.2 times more likely to have 100 Facebook friends there in minutes to claim it was the other driver’s fault.

Kim Kardashian's publicist says she and pro football player Reggie Bush have broken up after two years of dating. Kim was upset he didn’t list the number of times they had sex before a win in last season’s stats.

A New York man suffered second- and third-degree burns after his wife allegedly poured scalding water on his crotch for cheating on her. The wife was charged with assault and her lawyer will be paid for by the group Wives of Republican Senators.

New York's first Las Vegas-style wedding chapel has opened on the Lower East Side. You can tell it’s in New York because the Elvis impersonator shoves the couple down the aisle to make room for the next one.

Two U.S. scientists trying to learn more about human psychosis and schizophrenia are studying rats and fruit
flies that have taken LSD. In one test, the rats ran through the maze in record time thinking they were being chased by giant fruit flies who looked like Grace Slick.

Republican Senator and Baseball Hall of Fame member Jim Bunning announced he will not seek re-election to his Kentucky seat next year. Although he’s 72, Bunning feels he can do more for the right in Washington by becoming a right-handed relief pitcher for the Nationals.

Police in Milwaukee arrested a man accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores because he enjoys being around eyewear. He stole more than 500 pairs of glasses, but his lawyer says he should only be charged for 250 since the second pair was free.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Early Bird Iguana Specials

Vice President Joe Biden is in trouble for an interview where he described Russia as a weakened nation. Sarah Palin said Biden has no idea what he’s talking about. She can see Russia from her porch and people ware doing stuff all the time, not just on the weekend.

The Octomom has signed up her family to star in a reality TV show that will pay each of her 14 children $250 a day for the next three years. The show is expected to be called “Hiding Your Money From Mommy.”

The woman at the center of a sex scandal involving Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi claims he offered her a seat in the European Parliament. Well, it wasn’t exactly a seat … it was more like a lap to sit on.

In a new book, Mary Jo Buttafuoco says she stayed with her husband after she was shot in New York by his mistress, Amy Fisher, because of their children. The got divorced in 2003 and she changed her name to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buttafuuco!”

The author of "The Iguana Cookbook: Save Florida … Eat an Iguana" says Florida residents need to start eating iguanas before the lizards overrun the state. A better way to get Floridians to eat them would be to open a restaurant chain called “Early Bird Iguana Specials.”

Press secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed that White House staffers have been blocked from using Twitter at work, but he doesn’t know why. President Obama has two Twitter accounts, but he doesn’t use them because he can’t even say “Hello” in under 140 characters.

Ashes from the Shiveluch volcano reached 23,000 feet above Petropavlovsk, Russia, recently. They’re so high, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin has switched from waving at Russia to waving to get the ashes out of her eyes.

Researchers monitoring blogs have determined that Election Day 2008 was the happiest day in four years for Americans. They noticed a spike in the use of the word “proud” on that day, which either means Americans were proud to elect Barack Obama or proud that their chads didn’t dangle.

A man named Neil Armstrong has been getting hounded by autograph seekers and reporters ever since he moved to Cincinnati, near where the Neil Armstrong who was the first to walk on the moon lives. Poor guy can’t even jump over a puddle without some clown calling it a giant leap for mankind.

Sarah Palin is trying to get used to being at home now that she’s resigned as Alaska’s governor. Today she had a talk with her daughters about how quitting early is the best method of birth control.

After finishing third in the Tour de France, Lance Armstrong will return next year as a member of the new Radio Shack team. He’s pushing for some of the stages of next year’s race to be held at night because Radio Shack promised an unlimited supply of free batteries for his bike light.

An unnamed witness reports that Michael Jackson’s false nose disappeared while his body was in an L.A. morgue. That could explain why the readings at his memorial service had no nasal passages.