Friday, September 11, 2009

“You lie!” instead of “down!”

In support of South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson, Republican dog owners across the nation are training their pooches to respond to the command “You lie!” instead of “down!”

Fran Drescher, the former star of “The Nanny,” is in talks with both Fox and MSNBC about hosting a talk show. Executives at Fox hope she chooses their network because it has a lot of other hosts who could use a nanny.

Gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya have determined she has internal male sexual organs, making her what some call a “hermaphrodite.” As a result, she’s getting job offers to become a U.S. congressional page from Republican politicians looking for a loophole.

Because a fungus is killing rubber trees in Southeast Asia and South Africa, scientists are testing the Russian dandelion, which was used during World War II to make natural latex. Dandelion latex can’t be used for condoms because it has a natural tendency to spread its seeds.

The courts are having a hard time rounding up jurors for the upcoming trial of alleged New York mobster John A. "Junior" Gotti. Many prospective jurors are calling in sick to avoid calling in dead.

Former "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul said on her Twitter page that she thinks Ellen DeGeneres will make a great judge on the show. I’ll believe it when Paula tells Ellen how to operate the secret compartment under the judges table where she keep her booze.

A Florida TV station reports that last July police stopped four men on a terror watch list who were spotted driving past the Daytona International Speedway and taking pictures. The cops got suspicious when the they noticed the men were not wearing baseball caps, did not have beer bellies and never once asked the ladies they were photographing to lift their tops.

A Catholic choirmaster in Italy who switched genders last year says it’s the reason she was fired from her job at a cathedral after 18 years of service. The pastor claims it was her new version of Amazing Grace called Amazing Greg.

Two North Carolina men were charged with stealing 16 snakes, 11 frogs and five lizards from a pet store. The men were caught selling the stolen reptiles after discovering none of them taste like chicken.

Because of a trademark violation, a New York state man was banned by a federal judge from painting the Viagra slogan on his 25-foot replica of a missile. It was OK when the missile was on the ground but Pfizer objected when he erected it.

Scientists say fibers found in a cave in Russia’s Caucasus Mountains are over 30,000 years old, making them the earliest known fibers made by humans. The fibers appear to have been from clothing worn by a caveman because they contain the world’s oldest skid marks.

General Motors has a new program called “May The Best Car Win” which guarantees car buyers that if they don't like their new GM vehicle, they can return it within 60 days for a full refund. Since the government owns General Motors, does this mean we can get the same guarantee on senators and Congress members?

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