Monday, August 31, 2009

Jenna will be able to get advice from her father

A dog in Australia is recovering from emergency surgery to remove 1,000 magnets it had swallowed. The owner is afraid the dog might run away now that she can’t stick it on the refrigerator door.

Weather forecasters downgraded the Pacific Ocean storm Kevin from a tropical storm to a tropical depression. It was also renamed Hurricane Kevin Bacon since every storm on the planet on Monday was within six degrees of it.

A total of 549 musicians got together in Guadalajara, the birthplace of mariachi, to set a record for the world’s biggest mariachi band. The sound was so loud, hundreds of people fled from nearby Mexican restaurants for fear they would have to tip them.

The White House says former Vice President Dick Cheney is wrong about the Obama administration's policies for interrogating terrorists. The Obama administration uses the most effective policy allowed by the Constitution … threatening to send terrorists on a hunting trip with Cheney.

President Obama played a round of golf this week at the Army Navy Country Club, which is about a mile south of the Pentagon. This is a difficult course for president because the caddies are military personnel and it’s tough to putt when you’re constantly saluting.

September 2 marks the 40th anniversary of the birth of the Internet when two computers at UCLA were connected. It was a military application, which explains why the first Internet message was a picture of topless women in camouflage bikinis.

The NFL has decided to allow players to use social media networks like Twitter and Facebook, but not during games. The only exception is Brett Farve, who is under orders to tweet all of the other teams if he suddenly feels like retiring.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai threw his sheepskin cap after a heated meeting with U.S. special envoy Richard Holbrooke. This is a serious insult in Afghanistan, second only to throwing an actual sheep.

Jenna Bush Hager, one of the twin daughters of former President George W. Bush, has been hired as a contributing correspondent for the “Today” show. The position has nothing to do with politics, the economy or world affairs, so she’ll be able to get advice from her father.

A German TV station has admitted faking a video which showed Michael Jackson still alive and getting out of a coroner's van. Michael Jackson’s doctor saw the video and is now suing the station for ruining a pair of pants and the chair he was sitting in.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Assault-and-potpourri

Police in Florida arrested a woman for attacking a smoker with sprayed air freshener. The woman was charged with assault-and-potpourri.

The Scripps Institution of Oceanography is studying a Texas-size floating trash pile in the Pacific Ocean to see if it can be used for fuel. Derogatory remarks about the trash island have offended Texas governor Rick Perry, who is urging it to secede from the Pacific.

Department of Agriculture scientists say they've discovered that watermelon juice can be fermented into ethanol and used as a biofuel. This was discovered by a scientist who ate a slice of watermelon without spitting out the seeds, passed some gas and the seeds shot through his pants.

Philadelphia fans cheered when Michael Vick entered his first exhibition game since finishing his sentence for promoting dogfighting. He hadn’t heard cheers like that since that day in prison he threw a cafeteria meatloaf 50 yards to start a food fight.

Matt Damon is only 38, but he’s getting a lifetime achievement honor, the American Cinematheque Award. I’m not saying they’re running out of people to give this award to, but it will be shown on a network special called the Bored Initiative.

The NFL Competition Committee has ruled that a football hitting the scoreboard over the Dallas Cowboys' new field will result in an immediate stoppage of the play. This will be tough to call when Dallas plays Detroit since every time the Lions have the ball it’s an immediate stoppage of play.

Authorities in Florida are investigating an incident in which a dad took his son to school in a helicopter to impress the other students. It certainly did. They grabbed the poor kid by his underwear and spun him around, naming this new move the Chopper Wedgie.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is one of 500 victims of a multi-state identity theft crime ring. Luckily no one can cash checks with his name on them since one of his forms of ID is to point to his picture on the bank wall.

“America's Got Talent” judge David Hasselhoff will sing “Feeling Good” on the next episode of the show. He’ll be using a special sound system that will not allow the microphones to pick up the audience making the sound of a buzzer.

Actress Mischa Barton said in an interview that working, traveling and wisdom tooth surgery caused a “perfect storm” that led to her recent hospitalization. If that’s her idea of a perfect storm, menopause for her is going to be a Hurricane Mischa.

Because of Cuba’s toilet paper shortage, many Cuban retirees have started a lucrative business buying and selling old newspapers. Using newspaper for toilet paper isn’t so bad …Washington Nationals fans have been doing this with the sports page all season.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

They must either be fried or on a stick

Astronomers have discovered a gigantic planet that is trying to commit suicide by orbiting closer and closer to its sun. Maybe they should have Pluto talk to it about how it overcame suicidal thoughts after being downgraded from planet status.

Concert-goers in Bucharest, Romania, booed Madonna after she criticized discrimination against Gypsies. Madonna couldn’t understand why they didn’t agree with her that people should be allowed to do musicals about old strippers.

The Dutch national museum has embarrassingly admitted that one of its prized possessions, a moon rock thought to have been brought back by U.S. astronauts, is just a piece of petrified wood. Even more embarrassing, the jar of Tang next to it is actually orange Kool-Aid.

A Nashville prison inmate says he doesn’t plan to drop his lawsuit just because the prison returned his prosthetic leg after keeping it for a year. His lawyer is urging him to give up because a jury would have been more sympathetic if he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Michelle, Sasha and Malia made the list of the 1,000 most popular baby names, but Barack didn’t. There’s probably thousands of baby boys named Barack but all of their birth certificates have mysteriously disappeared.

A South Carolina man who builds discount wooden caskets in his backyard has been banned from selling them at a local flea market. The manager doesn’t have anything against caskets, but according to flea market rules, they must either be fried or on a stick.

The song “A Boy Like That” will now be sung in English in the Spanish revival of the Broadway musical “West Side Story” because audience members who don’t know Spanish aren’t getting its true meaning. I have the same problem with the menu at Taco Bell.

A 61-year-old man in Washington state accidentally shot himself in the leg while chasing an opossum that had been terrorizing his chickens. After leaving the hospital, he got a call from Plaxico Burress asking if he can use the possum story during his appeal.

A bankruptcy judge in Virginia approved Michael Vick's plan to repay creditors he owes $20 million to. That’s a good idea because the last thing Michael Vick wants is bill collectors dogging him.

At a town hall meeting in Arizona, Senator John McCain had security remove a woman who wouldn't stop yelling at him. McCain refused to apologize even after he found out it was Sarah Palin.

Government health officials are urging people not to panic over estimates of 90,000 people dying from swine flu this fall. Look on the bright side … it’ll make the lines shorter at the emergency room.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Bagel Monster or Oscar the Goyim

Stand-up comic Sunda Croonquist is being sued by her Jewish mother-in-law for joking about her in her act. If the mother-in-law wins the lawsuit, the Las Vegas strip is expected to dim its lights and lower flags to half-staff.

No one was seriously hurt when a small plane crash-landed in the parking lot of a shopping mall in Rockaway Township, New Jersey. However, dozens were hurt in a fight over whether the plane should be allowed to park in the handicapped space.

The cable channel A&E announced plans to produce a reality show starring the late singer Michael Jackson's brothers. I think it’s called Dancing With The Out-of-Work Brothers of a Star.

“30 Rock” star Alec Baldwin says he has no plans to move to Connecticut to run against Senator Joe Lieberman. Lieberman was relieved, but he’s still concerned over a rumor that Tina Fey might run against him as Sarah Palin.

Texas prison officials say they’ve recovered all of the $250 federal economic stimulus checks that were mistakenly sent to at least 240 prison inmates. It was an honest mistake. The checks were supposed to go to bank executives whose crimes haven’t been prosecuted yet.

The Transportation Department reports that the Cash for Clunkers program generated nearly 700,000 new car sales. That makes it the best sales tool since General Motors invented the phrase “Let me check with my manager.”

China’s Health Ministry has admitted that the majority of transplanted organs in that country come from executed prisoners. This explains why so many Chinese organ recipients get a sudden urge to change their names to Chankenstein.

Microsoft issued an apology for altering a photo on its Web site in Poland to change the race of one of the people shown in the picture from black to white. What’s even more embarrassing, it used Photoshop instead of Paint.NET.

Ben Stiller, Christina Applegate and other stars will join the Muppet Grover on a new Sesame Street-style show for teaching Jewish-American children about Jewish culture called “Shalom Sesame.” No word yet on whether Grover will be joined by Bagel Monster or Oscar the Goyim.

John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s Pizza, paid $250,000 for the gold-and-black 1971 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 he sold for $2,800 in 1983 to help save his father’s tavern and start his pizza business. He almost didn’t buy it when DNA tests revealed that the stains on the front seat were from Domino’s.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

18 holes-in-one

The security technology company McAfee Inc. says searches for Jessica Biel lead to more online threats such as spyware and viruses than searches for any other celebrity. The worst one is the “What are you doing searching for Jessica Biel at work?” virus.

The crypt directly above Marilyn Monroe’s at the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery sold in an online auction for just over $4.6 million. The purchaser is now looking for a funeral director who will agree to drill a hole in his casket and bury him face down.

While on vacation, President Obama played golf with the president of UBS Americas, a Swiss-based bank at the center of investigations into illegal tax shelters. The banker kept score, which explains why the president finished with 18 holes-in-one.

World Wrestling Entertainment is rumored to be planning its own cable network. For anyone who still hasn’t figured out wrestling is fake, the network will be called HBS.

Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird was back on the track working out only a week after undergoing throat surgery. See, even horses are afraid of losing their jobs because of medical problems.

In her first gig after leaving “American Idol,” Paula Abdul will host the “VH1 Divas” concert next month. Because of a non-compete clause in her contract, Paula has hired a team of writers to come with all new things for her to say about the divas’ outfits.

Melanie Griffith's publicist confirmed the actress has checked into a rehab facility as part of a routine plan that was designed by her and her doctors years ago. It has nothing to do with the rumor that August is the month the Betty Ford Clinic runs a special for movie casting agents.

The northern Israeli city of Kiryat Yam is offering a $1 million prize to anyone who has a photograph of a mermaid rumored to have been seen off the city's shore. The prize has been a boon for businesses selling binoculars, cameras and Photoshop software.

The British Home Office has hired a team of designers to create an alternative to the traditional pint glass for beer in pubs because of a growing number of injuries due to violent incidents with the glasses. So far, the leading design is keg with 100 really long straws.

The journal Diabetes reports of new research that daylight could be a factor in reducing fat and reversing obesity. I don’t buy it. When I eat in the daylight, I can see that I haven’t cleaned my plate yet.

Scientists on Rat Island in Alaska say their $3 million eradication program appears to have rid the island of rats for the first time since the late 1700s. Former governor Sarah Palin is waiting for an estimate from the scientists on how much it would cost to rid Alaska of reporters, liberals and Levi Johnston.

President Obama nominated Ben Bernanke to a second term as Federal Reserve Chairman. Obama credits Bernanke with saving the U.S. economy, not to mention helping him explain to his daughters why they’re not getting an allowance this year.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The sippacino

Barry Dennen, Barbra Streisand’s ex-boyfriend who discovered her in 1959 and convinced her to become a singer, is auctioning off three tapes he made of her earliest performances, with bids starting at $1 million. These tapes are so old, one of the songs Barbra sings is “The Way We Are.”

Billy Ray Cyrus said in an interview he supports his daughter Miley’s stripper pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards. Miley appreciates her dad’s support, although she wish he wouldn’t have done it while holding a fistful of dollar bills.

Starbucks is raising the prices on some of its more complex drinks, like the frappucino. Customers on a budget can still get a little of their favorite by ordering the new really small serving, the sippacino.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued guidelines to colleges to prepare for a possible fall swine flu epidemic. Right now, most college students plan to deal with it by doing Nyquil shots every time someone on CNN says “swine flu.”

The owner of a South Carolina bar says the sign on the door that reads “No colors” is not racist but a ban on customers wearing gang clothing. He had no explanation for why the pool tables all had 8-balls but the sign above them said “No blacks.”

A man in Australia says he waited six months to cash in a winning $2 million lottery ticket because he wasn’t ready to become a millionaire. No, wait. That’s the reason Sarah Palin gave for staying in office after the election.

A 95-year-old Pennsylvania man listed by Guinness World Records as the world's longest-serving bartender is retiring after 77 years on the job. He’s so old, he’s the only bartender left who knows how to mix a Sex on the Rumble Seat.

Police in Massachusetts arrested a woman who attacked a store clerk with a Slim Jim snack and a bottle of apple juice. Because she used the Slim Jim, the woman will be charged with da-meat-stick violence.

According to the National Climatic Data Center, the average ocean water temperature worldwide was 62.6 degrees in July, making it the hottest the world's oceans have been in almost 130 years of record-keeping. The waters are so hot, the Gulf of Mexico is only one degree away from being reclassified as gumbo.

Current Biology reports that scientists using global positioning software found that people trying to walk in straight line usually end up walking in circles. And people who try to walk in circles usually end up becoming NASCAR drivers.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Doctor Tso’s Chicken

In his new book, former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge says he was pressured to raise the terror alert to help President Bush win re-election in 2004. Bush wanted it raised to red but Dick Cheney kept pushing Ridge to go all the way to black-and-blue.

A Seattle woman is suing magician David Copperfield, alleging he sexually assaulted her while she was a guest on his private island in the Bahamas. She thought he was going to cut her in half with a saw and didn’t like it when he refused to stop trying to karate-chop her with his bare hands.

Paula Abdul tweeted again that she’s not coming back as a judge on “American Idol.” It’s too bad because she’s finally starting to make sense in sentences she could say in under ten seconds.

Céline Dion is expecting her second child and has revealed that it’s from an embryo that had been kept frozen in liquid nitrogen for the past eight years. This is the start of a new chapter in Céline’s life but the end of a popular Vegas show called “Céline Dion’s Embryo On Ice.”

Sting’s daughter, Coc Sumner, says in a new magazine interview that the story of her father’s legendary prowess in bed, including those eight-hour marathon sessions with her mother, are actually a joke started by Bob Geldof. Sting is so upset the truth is out, he told Geldof he should to start planning a new concert called Dead Aid.

Oprah Winfrey will interview Whitney Houston on the 24th season premiere of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Instead of a car, rumor has it Whitney and Oprah will give everyone in the studio audience a free restraining order against Bobby Brown.

Filmmaker Robert Zemeckis is rumored to be in talks to direct a remake of the 1968 animated Beatles movie musical, “Yellow Submarine.” Zemeckis is hoping to get Paul and Ringo to make some of the songs more current, like “When I’m 84,” “All You Need Is Fiber” and “Lucy In the Sky With Diapers.”

A health organization is filing complaints against California porn production companies to promote the use of condoms in porn videos. Porn producers say nobody wants to see movies called “Deep Latex” or “Behind The Green Skin.”

People in Raleigh, North Carolina, are flocking to see what looks like a 30-foot-tall image of Jesus in a kudzu vine growing on a utility pole next to some railroad tracks. This is the first time Jesus has been seen in a weed, although many people consuming weed have seen Jesus.

Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to second-degree attempted criminal possession of the weapon he shot himself in the leg with and was sentenced to two years in prison. That’s one day for each of the excuses he gave for having a gun in his pants.

A new study found that ancient Chinese herbal formulas for heart disease may produce large amounts of nitrous oxide which actually widens arteries. Chinese restaurants are rushing to add the herbs to their menus in a special heart-healthy dish called Doctor Tso’s Chicken.

President Barack Obama will appear in a back-to-school television special next month with singer Kelly Clarkson and basketball star LeBron James. The president plans to explain to kids that schoolyard arguments should not be settled with beer.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Change the name of the ride to New York Subway

Simon Fraser University in British Columbia, Canada, has a new grade called FD -- meaning failure with dishonesty -- which is the possible grade a student can receive. American colleges are considering a similar new worst grade called LB, which means Lower than Bush.

Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will attend the Emmys to accept the Philo T. Farnsworth Award on behalf of NASA for the innovations that allowed the Apollo crew's live TV broadcast from the moon. Neil Armstrong couldn’t make it, but suggested that Aldrin open his acceptance speech with, “One small statue for man …”

A group of Bulgarian Orthodox priests want Madonna's upcoming concert in Sofia because it falls on St. John the Baptist day, a religious holiday on which fun and celebrations are not allowed. They didn’t accept Madonna’s offer to honor St. John the Baptist by wearing a wet T-shirt.

A number of state attorney generals are reporting an increase in unwanted phone call complaints from people on do-not-call lists. It’s getting so bad, the attorney generals are putting complainers on their do-not-answer lists.

According to ACT Inc., the Iowa company that conducts college aptitude tests, only about one-fourth of 2009 U.S. high school graduates have the skills needed to succeed in college. The number would be even lower if ACT asked students to remember to bring their own number 2 pencils.

Oliver Stone is creating a 10-episode documentary series called "Oliver Stone's Secret History of America" focusing on under-reported events that Stone believes shaped U.S. history. The events include the premieres of “Platoon,” “Natural Born Killers” and “JFK.”

Nickelodeon, the city of New Orleans and Southern Star Amusement have announced plans to create a themed water park called Nickelodeon Universe New Orleans. Combining Nickelodeon characters with New Orleans culture, the park will feature CrawfishBob SquarePants and Dora the Beads Flasher.

Management at the Thorpe amusement park in Chertsey, England, has banned roller coaster riders from putting their arms in the air during rides due to concerns about body odor. Complaints about b.o. were so high, it was either kick off the offenders or change the name of the ride to New York Subway.

Scientists at the California Institute of Technology have identified two groups of neurons in fruit fly brains that control obesity. If you’ve never seen an obese fruit fly, check the low-hanging fruit.

A new study found that people who play video games have a higher body mass index and a greater number of poor mental health days compared to non-players. This is the same group of video game players that’s demanding a new version of Guitar Hero featuring the music of Meat Loaf

Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank addressed a town hall meeting protester who compared President Obama to Hitler by saying, “Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table.” Frank was then hit by a number of flying plates thrown by a dining room table in the back.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Stop! I’m a proctologist!

According to people he’s talked to while writing his memoir, former Vice President Dick Cheney now says he was believes President George W. Bush got wimpy during his second term. Apparently Bush would pass out when Cheney would lift his shirt, pull out his heart and showed him the battery.

British troops seized several tons of raw opium on a farm belonging to the half brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Karzai had been warned to keep an eye on his ne’er-do-well brother by both former president Jimmy Carter and Jeb Bush.

Best Buy management says it will not honor an ad that mistakenly offered a big-screen TV for $9.99. Unless the customer is willing to pay full price for the $1,600 cord.

Washington state police are looking for a so-called witch doctor who offered to “cleanse” her clients’ money of evil and instead ran off with nearly $140,000. The woman used a variety of names, including Senora Monica, Fannie Mae and Bernice Madoff.

Archaeologists digging on the Isle of Mann have uncovered what may be the oldest dwelling in Britain – a 9,000-year-old shelter made of wooden posts and animal skins. They were able to date it using a stone tablet found there describing a book called “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stonehenge.”

Scientists at Brown University say they've discovered that the Candida albicans fungus performs both same-sex and opposite-sex mating activities. That explains why the fungus is common at Brown University frat parties.

Federal officials are considering a maximum-security prison in Standish, Michigan, for housing Guantanamo Bay detainees. The prisoners would be kept in line using solitary confinement, barbed wire and threats to move them to Detroit.

The International Olympic Committee executive board has selected golf and rugby for possible inclusion in the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Baseball and softball were dropped, although they may be allowed back in if they can figure out how to add the word “extreme” to their activities.

Actor Tony Danza is close to starring in a reality show where he’ll teach a 10th-grade English class at a high school in Philadelphia. Based on his acting abilities, let’s hope it’s “English as a second language.”

A doctor in Pensacola, Florida, has been fired for putting a sign in front of his clinic equating donuts with death. It could have been ugly. If he didn’t leave the premises quietly, the local police department was ready to send a SWAT team.

A man in Cape Coral, Florida, was arrested for biting off part of his doctor’s finger after the physician wouldn’t give him a prescription. The man refused to leave even after the doctor yelled, “Stop! I’m a proctologist!”

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

C-I-Had-A-Terrible-Childhood

The State Department is still trying to explain Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's outburst towards a questioner who appeared to be asking her for her husband’s opinion on an issue. The latest excuse is that the she became light-headed when the African heat made her pantsuit shrink and cut off circulation to her brain.

The Iraqi national baseball team, which has been using the same bat for four years, received a supply of new bats, mitts and baseballs from a U.S. sporting goods company. Unfortunately, their religion forced them to send back the steroids because they’re weren’t kosher.

The Writers Guild West has cleared Jay Leno of violating the guild's strike rules during the 100-day work stoppage in late 2007. Jay will have no comment on the ruling until September when he has writers again.

Botanists have discovered a new species of giant meat-eating plant in the highlands of the central Philippines that’s big enough to catch rats. The rats must not taste that great by themselves because the carnivorous vines are generally found near pepper, tomato and lettuce plants.

A swimming pool in Paris refused admission to a young Muslim woman wearing a burqini, a full body swimsuit with built-in hood, because it violated the pool’s rule for “swimming while clothed.” The pool’s management says the rule isn’t discriminatory because it’s also used to ban really hairy men.

An archaeologist claims he's located the grave of a man who was killed in an 1806 duel with Andrew Jackson in Kentucky where dueling was legal. This didn’t prevent Jackson from being elected president, which has prompted a number of Republican politicians to start looking for a state where affairs are legal.

The host of a popular Brazilian TV crime show has been accused of ordering at least five hits on drug traffickers to boost his show’s ratings. He’s been charged with drug trafficking, weapons possession and impersonating Glenn Beck.

A number of companies, including the makers of Off! Bug spray, have dropped their ads on Fox News Channel's "The Glenn Beck Program" after complaints by viewers. Beck doesn’t use Off!, preferring to repel bugs naturally by showing them clips of his show.

Former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania says he’ll visit Iowa this fall, prompting rumors of a 2012 Republican presidential run. Santorum is taking along a special voice coach to help keep his jaw from cramping during constant repetitions of the phrase “death panel.”

A jury in Louisiana found rapper Corey "C-Murder" Miller guilty of second-degree murder in the 2002 shooting death of a teenage fan in a nightclub. His lawyer asked the judge to delay sentencing until his client can change his name to “C-I-Had-A-Terrible-Childhood.”

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Only you can prevent jalapeno trees

General Motors claims the new Chevrolet Volt rechargeable electric car should get 230 miles per gallon of gasoline in city driving. That’s four times the Toyota Prius and close to the record set by a kid who built his Soap Box Derby car on top of a mountain.

A columnist for the Financial Times compared President Obama to Felix the Cat, saying that, like Obama, the cartoon cat was black and lucky. There wasn’t much outrage at the comment since the columnist appears to be the only person alive who remembers Felix the Cat.

The top-selling country music duo Brooks and Dunn announced they’re breaking up the team in 2010. This is the biggest spilt in country music since Wynona Judd stopped wearing tight pants.

A new survey found that about half of American women think the government should mandate that wives take their husbands' last name upon marriage. The survey results were a disappointment to a select group of computer technicians who specialize in replacing worn-out hyphens on keyboards.

Sweden’s National Tax Agency, which regulates names in that country, say a 19-year-old woman cannot change her middle name to Dark Knight. The ruling was made by the head of the agency, Robin D. Boywonder.

Workers in California’s lucrative porn business say it’s in a slump because of the bad economy and free Internet sites. It’s tough to get a government bailout when “stimulus package” is also the name of a porn movie.

The U.S. Forest Service is celebrating the 65th birthday of Smokey Bear by featuring him in a new children’s book that will be available in both English ands Spanish. Some things get lost in translation. In Spanish, Smokey’s message is “Only you can prevent jalapeno trees.”

Michael Vick's agent was at the Washington Redskins’ training camp but says there’s “no chance” his client will sign with the team. Vick asked for a tryout, but the coaching staff said there were too many on the list ahead of him, including a number of bobble-head dolls.

Two well-dress thieves walked into a London Bond Street jewelry store last week and stole $65 million worth of gems. The robbers figured if they dressed nice, the movie about the robbery would star Daniel Craig and Pierce Brosnan instead of Rowan Atkinson and Robbie Coltrane.

At a trial in Orlando, a 60-year-old man was convicted of groping a woman in a Minnie Mouse costume at Walt Disney World. He was sentenced to 180 days probation minus the one day he spent in the hospital having Mickey Mouse’s large red shoe removed from his colon.

In an interview with Radar magazine, Levi Johnston said that marital problems were a factor in former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation. The chapter on Levi in Sarah’s new book is expected to be titled, “OK, I Can Think Of One Person Who Should Get Euthanized.”

Officials in Cuba say the country's economic crisis is so severe that it’s in danger of running out of toilet paper. Adding to the problem is the fact that, for the first time in 60 years, we have a president who Cubans like too much to use his picture in place of toilet paper.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

People say she was just monkeying around

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford says he supports his wife's decision to move out of the governor's mansion because he had an affair with an Argentine woman. She took half of everything, including the half of the Bible he didn’t read.

U.S. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter, has introduced legislation to create a tax deduction for what pet owners spend on veterinary care, but he’s against national health care reform. In a related story, novelty shops report sales of dog, cat and hamster costumes way up.

Ben Stein was fired by the New York Times over his appearance in commercials for FreeScore.com, a company that charges for so-called “free” credit reports. Ben’s next project is getting together his former cast mates from “The Wonder Years” for a free pay-per-view reunion.

Jay Leno says his hospitalization for exhaustion in April convinced him to start running four miles a day and so far he’s lost 12 pounds. Big deal. All he has to do is lean forward and the weight of his chin gives him enough momentum for a marathon.

The wife of Monkees drummer Micky Dolenz was arrested on charges that she defrauded an affordable housing program in New York City. She’s hoping her husband rounds up some people to say she was just monkeying around.

A bride in China says her 7,093-foot-long wedding dress is a world record. Elizabeth Taylor claims her wedding train is longer, but that’s only if you string all of her dresses end-to-end.

Madonna's concert planned for Ljubljana's Stozice horse track in Slovenia has been canceled due to “unexpected logistical problems.” Apparently Madonna refused to give free rides to all of the jockeys.

A private plane carrying Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore was forced to return to the Las Vegas airport shortly after takeoff due to mechanical problems, and both of them Twittered their fans during the ordeal. The first posts were 140 characters using nothing but the characters A, H and !.

A man in Florida arrested for having more than 1,000 images of child pornography on his computer blamed them on his cat who likes to walk across his keyboard and accidentally download pictures. Authorities brought the cat in for questioning after noticing a lot of the photos were from Persia.

Archaeologists have uncovered what is believed to be the birthplace of Vespasian, the Roman emperor who built the Colosseum. They think it’s his because they found a box with a bunch of toy lions and Christians.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Trade the 40 young goats for one old one

Four women quit a new female wrestling team in Diwaniya, Iraq, south of Baghdad, because a cleric said that wrestling can lead to promiscuity. The coach is pretty upset because they were his best wrestlers: The Fabulous Fallujah, Iraqin’ Robin, Big Burka and The Roadside Bombshell.

According to the latest polls, President Obama’s approval rating dropped 7 points to 56 percent. The results are questionable because pollsters in southern states printed their surveys on the back of fake birth certificates.

A Spanish toymaker has developed a breast-feeding doll that comes with a special halter top little girls can wear to pretend to breast-feed their babies. If that’s not creepy enough, once the little girls get tired of playing with the dolls, they still want to keep the big breasts.

The Senate confirmed Sonia Sotomayor as the first Hispanic justice on the Supreme Court with a 68-31 vote. The 31 senators on the losing side felt vindicated when Sotomayor gave them no sympathy.

A Kenyan man offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for he daughter Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage. Hillary turned him down but Bill called and asked the guy if he’d trade the 40 young goats for one old one.

Aerosmith’s lead singer Steven Tyler is recovering after falling off the stage during a concert at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. Tyler doesn’t have any trouble dancing backwards, but he was leaning forward and the weight of his teeth tipped him over.

A South Korean hypnotist was fined for kissing a woman he took out on a date and thought he had successfully put to sleep. Poor guy had never been married so he couldn’t tell that the woman was faking it.

New ads on Brazilian TV tell Brazilians that if they urinate in the shower instead of flushing it down the commode, a household can save over 1,100 gallons of water a year. If Brazilians have trouble getting the flow going, they’re told to imagine the person they’re showering with is a tree.

Appearing at the annual Television Critics Association get-together, Jay Leno said he lost weight by running four miles a day. He tried Jay-walking, but was constantly being stopped by people begging him to ask them a question.

Sprint and Samsung have joined forces to develop a $50 “eco-conscious” with a casing of biodegradable plastic made partly from corn. So far, the main problem is that the corn makes voices sound husky.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Harold and Kumar Get White Hats

According to the latest data, four of the five top-selling cars in the “Cash for Clunkers” program are Japanese models, with the Ford Focus being the only American car on the list. General Motors is hoping to cash in on this trend by changing the name of one of its models to the Malibushi.

Eli Manning signed a new six-year, $97 million contract extension with the New York Giants making him the highest paid player in the NFL. He asked to be paid in dollar bills that he’s going to stack in front of the TV every time one of his brother Peyton’s commercials comes on.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il is already spinning his meeting with former president Bill Clinton. He’s having the pictures of the two of them photoshopped so it looks like he’s taller than Clinton and is trading the journalists for cash, iPods and a chubby former intern.

A new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns ranchers that cattle cause an average of 20 deaths a year on U.S. farms. The numbers are highest in South Carolina where sex with animals is common and results in a high number of cases of death by jealous Guernsey.

The Defense Department confirms that two Russian attack submarines have been spotted off the Atlantic coast over the past several days. So far, the Pentagon isn’t sure if the subs pose a threat or if it’s just Russian paparazzi hoping to get pictures of the Obamas on vacation at Martha’s Vineyard.

Vice President Joe Biden went to Detroit to announce the first round of $2 billion in federal research grants for batteries for electric cars. The people of Detroit relate to Biden because they also used to have good jobs but now just wait around for anything they can get.

To prevent her dog from flying in the cargo hold, an Israeli woman paid $32,000 and bought out the entire business section of an El Al flight from Paris to Israel so the pooch could ride with her. She won’t do it again because the dog spent the entire flight barfing into the barf bag and then eating it.

A man who calls himself a “bubbleologist” created a 20 feet by 5 feet by 5 feet soap bubble in a London park and claims it’s a world record. This beats the old record set when Rush Limbaugh did a show while soaking in a bubble bath.

Paula Abdul used Twitter to announce she’s quitting her job as judge on “American Idol.” Well, we think that’s what she said. Paula is the only Twitter user who can actually ramble with only 140 characters.

There are so many camels running around in Australia that business owners and environmentalists are trying to convince people to try eating them. They’re hoping to popularize camel burgers by opening a new fast food chain called Jack-in-the-Hump.

Word in Hollywood is that the long-running TV western “Gunsmoke” is being made into a movie. I’m not sure how much the film will resemble the show since the working title is “Harold and Kumar Get White Hats.”

Monday, August 3, 2009

Honk if you love humans

According to a new survey, nearly 90 percent of U.S. adults prefer dealing with people face-to-face rather than on Facebook. The other 10 percent are convinced no one can tell their picture has been Photoshopped.

Data from the Consumer Product Safety Commission shows that cheerleading is still the top cause of injury in young female athletes. The most serious injuries occur when walking past the football team’s dorm in their cheerleader outfits.

In a recent interview, Ryan O’Neal revealed that he hit on his own daughter, Tatum, after not recognizing her at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral. What’s worse, Tatum didn’t recognize him either when she turned him down by saying he was old enough to be her grandfather.

Sarah Palin's spokespeople continue to deny Internet reports that she and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. To prove it, Sarah and Todd were spotted at a Wasila gun shop trading in their moose rifles for matching blogger guns.

The so-called “birther” movement is now pointing to an alleged Kenyan birth certificate as proof that President Obama was not born in the U.S. This document is so full of errors, it looks like it came from the “after” ad for correction fluid.

A man in Virginia got a jaywalking ticket for helping a family of Canada geese cross a busy street. The geese are trying to rally support for the man by passing out bumper stickers to other geese that read, “Honk if you love humans.”

Organizers of a British attempt at a world record for the most bikini-wearing women photographed in one place missed the record by around 1,900 when only 42 women showed up. Their first mistake was offering any woman who showed up in a bikini a free serving of that British dessert, spotted dick.

The Obama administration is considering a move to convince Iran so shut down its nuclear program by cutting off gasoline imports to that country. Since Iran’s oil reserves are the second-largest in the world, this is like trying to convince politicians to stop having affairs by banning foreign women.

Officials of the Hungarian Football Association are refusing to allow Madonna to perform at Budapest's soccer stadium. Besides messing up the field, they’re afraid the players would get depressed when they compare their skinny arms to Madonna’s.

British candy maker Cadbury is bringing back its Wispa Gold chocolate bar with a gold leaf-covered special edition bar priced at $1,618 chocolate. It’s safely on display in a vending machine that only takes wire transfers from Swiss banks.

A man in North Babylon, N.Y., swung at nearly 7,000 baseball pitches for 13 1/2 hours during a failed attempt to break a Guinness world record. He was cheered up when a Major League Baseball official said that his total number of missed swings qualified him as an honorary Washington National.

Ford Motor Company claims the government’s cash-for-clunkers program helped it record its first monthly sales increase in nearly two years. On the other hand, General Motors dealers were disappointed when prospective buyers parked their clunkers next to the new models and couldn’t tell them apart.