Monday, January 31, 2011

He’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes

The most unusual royal wedding souvenir so far is a memorial condom from Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction, which the package describes as being “lavishly lubed” and “regally ribbed.” If you think that’s tacky, those are also Kate and William’s nicknames for each other.

In Switzerland, a circus tightrope walker set a new world record by walking across a cable car wire nearly two miles above the ground. From that altitude, the Swiss army looks like a little knife.

Doctors in Warsaw say a drunk man found lying on a frozen park bench in his underwear in below-freezing weather survived because his blood alcohol level was nearly 30 times the legal limit for driving. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – tipsy.

A crematorium in Crestone, Colorado, is the only one in the nation offering funeral pyres - open-air cremations for people regardless of religion. Many families also request a walk through a nearby swamp after the funeral pyre, but the director says there’s no time to wallow in the mire.

The popularity of the HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" about Prohibition-era Atlantic City has prompted many casinos and hotels there to take on a 1920’s look. It’s the same thing that happened in Washington after the Republicans took control of the House.

The White House kicked off “Startup America,” a national campaign to promote entrepreneurship across the country. The European Union has a similar campaign to promote European businesses called “Shut up, America.”

KEE Action Sports LLC of New Jersey is recalling 1,400 paintball guns because they could injure the user or the person they’re pointed at. The aluminum paintball guns will be replaced with safer ones made from irony.

Sarah Palin says she thinks a rumored media boycott of her is good because then she won't get “blamed” for the uprising in Egypt. On the other hand, she’d love to helicopter over Cairo and shoot one of them sphinxes.

British actor Henry Cavill has been selected for the title role in the next Superman film. I’m not sure American audiences will flock to see the Man of Steel wearing a cape and a cane.

House Speaker John Bohener says he’s not going to apologize for crying and he wants people to stop picking on him for smoking. Well, at least he’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Unicorn tortillas

Kate Middleton has quit her day job working as a web designer to focus on her upcoming marriage to Prince William. She didn’t want to quit, but it was easier than trying to explain to Wills what a “job” was.

Bristol Palin says she’s received a job offer to co-host a radio show in her new home state of Arizona. You can tell she’s a Palin because she’s looking forward to showing listeners the new dance steps she’s learned.

Former Republican Senator George Allen says he made up the word “macaca” that cost him the Virginia election in 2006. And if you don’t believe him, he says you’re a midiot.

A married Canadian man is making a documentary about his trip around the world with six life-size sex dolls for company. I don’t want to give away the ending, but it involves his wife, the sex dolls, sled dogs and six Lady Gaga meat dresses.

Before it was removed, the hottest video on YouTube showed a man filming himself lying on railroad tracks while a train passes over him. It was replaced with a video shot by a witness onboard called “Throw-up Mama From The Train.”

A woman named Kate Middleton was kicked off Facebook for having the same name as Prince William's fiancĂ©e. To get her account back and keep from being harassed by fans of the royal family, she’s changing her name top Camilla Parker-Bowles.

A town council in England is in trouble for plans to use its crematorium furnace to heat a swimming pool. They didn’t think any pool users would notice since you don’t feel the crematorium heat until you’re six feet under.

Some public restrooms in Tokyo are offering video games called Toylets with eye-level screens which are controlled by the aim and pressure of the player’s stream of urine. Those with prostate problems can play Gland Theft Auto.

A California company is working on a line of medical marijuana soft drinks with names like Canna Cola and Doc Weed. You can’t overdose but if you start to feel sluggish, the company recommends switching to 7-Uppers.

The owner of Boca Tacos and Tequila in Tuscon, Arizona, has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in his tacos. Serving up endangered species hasn’t been a good idea since a medieval restaurant started offering unicorn tortillas.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Flashing their juicy fruits

Rep. Michele Bachmann will be giving the Tea Party response to President Obama’s State of the Union address. Bachmann is the perfect choice since no one in the Tea Party is better at putting the “butt” in rebuttal.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas failed to report his wife's income of almost $700,000 from a conservative think tank for at least five years. Thomas didn’t do it intentionally – he was just waiting to see what Justice Antonin Scalia put on his tax form first.

Military experts say China’s new stealth fighter jet may have been made using parts and technology from an American F-117 Nighthawk that was shot down over Serbia in 1999. That explains why much of the plane appears to be held together with stealth duct tape.

In Munich, Germany, a dentist bought low-cut dresses for herself and her nurses to distract patients while she drills their teeth. It works great, but now she has to invest in heavy-duty drool-suckers.

Republican House majority leader Eric Cantor says he believes President Obama is a citizen. He won’t say this during the president’s State of the Union address because he doesn’t want Joe Miller to yell “You lie!”

A man in Germany won a brand new Mini Cooper after having the car’s logo tattooed on his manhood. Now his girlfriend has two reasons for nicknaming his manhood “Mini Cooper.”

After 233 days in a locked steel capsule in Moscow, six researchers on a 520-day simulated flight to Mars are getting ready for their fake landing on the Red Planet. This project is so low-budget, the fake landing will be created by the six guys jumping up and down simultaneously.

Republican George Allen will try to reclaim the Senate seat from Virginia he lost five years ago after using the racial slur “macaca.” Allen has learned his lesson and will switch to the expression “You know what I’m talkin’ about.”

The Wrigley Company has pulled its ads from MTV's controversial teen drama “Skins.” Apparently Wrigley had a different idea in mind when the show’s producers said they’d show teenagers flashing their juicy fruits.

Palace insiders say Sarah Ferguson, the duchess of York and ex-wife of Prince Andrew, will receive an invitation to Prince William's marriage ceremony to Kate Middleton. Her royal invitation will be stamped “Not for resale.”

Friday, January 21, 2011

They both bunted

An Australian physicist claims that the star Betelgeuse could go supernova in 2012, causing the Earth to have two suns for a few weeks and possibly have no night. The good news is, we’ll be able to stop it if everyone on the planet simultaneously yells “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”

In Norway, a 13-year-old boy scared off a pack of wolves by playing the heavy metal group Megadeath on his mobile phone. He was playing Angry Birds and thinks the wolves may have been attracted to the pigs.

A Polish company has developed a communist version of the ultimate capitalist game Monopoly where players circle the board trying to acquire bread, toilet paper and other basic necessities. It’s expected to be popular in Poland, other former communist countries and Detroit.

Star Wars producer George Lucas says he believes the world will end in 2012. Boy, some people will say anything to get a lifetime achievement award.

South Korean special forces performed a daring raid and saved the crew of a hijacked freighter in the Arabian Sea from Somali pirates. The commandos managed to scare the pirates into submission by saying they were from North Korea.

Sacha Baron Cohen will play Saddam Hussein in a new film called “The Dictator.” And in a surprise casting decision, Borat will play George W. Bush.

For the first time since the 1800s, a small group of wild bison was herded into their historical grazing grounds north of Yellowstone National Park in Montana. Republicans protested the cost of caring for the animals because it’s a national park so taxpayers will have to pick up the buffalo bill.

Cross-dressing Day for students at a public school in Canada was canceled after protests from parents. I don’t blame them. Have you ever tried to find hockey masks for girls?

Police in Sandusky, Ohio, arrested two brothers after they hit each other in the head with baseball bats. It could have been worse but the men were lousy hitters so they both bunted.

A woman in Oklahoma is upset at school officials for giving her 7-year-old son an in-school suspension for pointing his finger like a gun. They had to do it because he was holding a box of 30 ladyfingers so that made his hand an assault weapon.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Stands With An Erection

Charlie Sheen reportedly ran up a $26,000 prostitute tab one weekend in Las Vegas in early January. This guy has more expensive hoes than a Neiman-Marcus Santa.

LeBron James has a new animated series called “The LeBrons” on YouTube that he claims will show kids of all ages how to be a good person. The only way for that to happen is for cartoon LeBron to tell the kids to turn the PC off.

Researchers in Maine have discovered a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they are calling the earliest confirmed domesticated dog in the Americas. The bone was found in a pile of human excrement, which means that either a person ate the dog or that early scooper laws were the opposite of today’s.

The president of the Boston Blazers lacrosse team apologized to fans for a racy halftime show involving scantily clad women giving lap dances to the team's mascot. What’s the big surprise? Everybody knows that “lacrosse” is a Native American word that means “Stands With An Erection.”

The maker of a $264 gastric bypass kit available on says the product was not meant for home use. People who liked it also liked the case of 144 Twinkies.

A Missouri woman who owns and operates a museum dedicated to hair says she has locks from Elvis Presley, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe. Amazingly, they were all found in a sink at the White House.

Sen. Joe Lieberman Announced he won’t run for re-election in 2012. Lieberman has run as a member of every party except the Tea Party and decided he looks silly in a three-corner hat.

An infectious disease expert says washing hands with soap and water is the best way to keep germs from spreading but there is no best way to dry hands. The worst way is asking the guy standing next to you to blow on them.

Hillary Clinton says she hasn't committed to serving a second term as secretary of state if President Barack Obama is reelected to the White House in 2012. She’s waiting for Obama to decide whether she and Biden should flip coins, draw straws or arm-wrestle.

According to the latest poll, Sarah Palin’s unfavorability ratings have reached 56 percent, the highest ever. This could kill her chances to run for president or get picked to host the Golden Globes.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Jack Bauer – The Later Years

A councilman in Huntington Beach, California, wants police to post mug shots of anyone arrested more than once for driving while under the influence. If public humiliation of lawbreakers really worked, there’d be nothing to watch on C-SPAN.

Regis Philbin announced he is retiring from “Live! with Regis and Kelly” at the end of this season. He’s been on TV so long, his wife still slaps the side of his head to stop him from stuttering.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he hasn't made a decision yet on a heart transplant. He can’t decide on what flavor he wants: vanilla or light vanilla.

Dick Cheney says he offered to step aside as vice president multiple times. Usually when he and W. were playing that game where the vice president stands behind the president and says he’ll catch him when he falls backwards.

Sarah Palin says she used the term “blood libel” to refer to people who falsely accused her of having blood on her hands. Then she held up her note-less palms and said they were ink libel too.

A girl in Pennsylvania became an accidental YouTube star after she was caught on a security camera falling into a shopping center fountain while texting. She’s already gotten offers to appear on a new Pennsylvania reality show called Erie Shore.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban announced their second daughter was born last month via surrogate in Nashville. The baby arrived before Keith and Nicole could release their new song, “She’s Having Our Baby.”

University of California-Davis officials are investigating allegations that a professor polled his students on what grade to give a classmate. Not surprisingly, the votes of the football players in the class were divided evenly between “pass,” “run” and “kick.”

The FCC and the Justice Department approved the merger of Comcast, the nation's largest cable and residential Internet provider, with NBC-Universal. The new company will be called We Shall Over-Comcast.

A study of children in Singapore found those who play 20 hours of video games a week are more likely than others to be anxious or depressed. Especially when they point their game controllers out the window and the birds don’t hit any pigs.

The producers of “The Good Wife” asked former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to appear as himself on the show. Rumsfeld turned it down because he’s holding out for the lead in “Jack Bauer – The Later Years.”

Monday, January 17, 2011

Blood liable

Freddy the cat, who moved into the Sharon, Wisconsin, Village Hall a few summers ago, has been adopted by local residents as their mayor. He’s so popular, they’re afraid someone will steal him next year to be their vice presidential running mate.

Starbucks is bringing out its biggest drink size ever: the 31-ounce “Trenta.” Trent comes from an Italian word that means “Cupholder can also be used as an emergency diaper.”

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is hosting a weeklong “Christian-based” cruise along the Alaskan coast this summer. Sarah Palin says there’s no connection between this and the 400-foot-tall wall she’s building along the coastal side of her house.

A couple in Australia had to be rescued after they tried to float down a flood-swollen river on two inflatable sex dolls, prompting a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are “not recognized flotation devices.” Unless you pay extra for the new Mike and Molly models.

A legendary British cricket umpire is demanding that his hometown to move a statue of him because kids are hanging bras and panties from its outstretched arm and finger. This is another reason why we’ll never see a statue of Tiger Woods.

The CEO of the online coupon provider Groupon apologized to Japanese customers for a New Year's deal gone wrong. He had no idea they’d be so upset when he named the Japanese subsidiary Gloupon.

Undertakers in Vienna, Austria, are planning to use a crematorium to help heat their new headquarters. You don’t want to know what they’re using in the flower beds to scare away the crows.

A vial containing blood drawn from Pope John Paul II shortly before he died will be given to a Polish church as a relic when he’s beatified later this year. The church will be responsible for protecting the relic, or as Sarah Palin calls it, “blood liable.”

There’s a new iPhone app called Oysterpedia that gives information on how to eat 200 different North American oysters. Big deal. It’s just 200 entries that say “don’t chew.”

For those not invited to the royal wedding, a London-based travel company is offering a tour of sites with links to Prince William and his fiancee, Kate Middleton. The tour includes a place where Kate once worked and the place where Wills first figured out he’d never have to.