Friday, October 29, 2010

A whopper of a hangover?

Sarah Palin says she’s run for president in 2012 if nobody else wants to. That’s the same thing Mark Ballas said on Dancing with the Stars when asked if he’d partner with Brisol Palin.

The Hells Angels are suing Saks Fifth Avenue, Zappos and fashion designer Alexander McQueen for allegedly using their name without permission on a scarf. They found out about it when they got thoudands of membership applications from guys with pink scooters.

A Irish film-maker claims a 1928 Charlie Chaplin film is proof of time travel because it shows a woman walking while talking on what appears to be a cell phone. It looks like the woman was trying to send a signal to the future because she walks past four bars.

A company in Toronto has created a Cheeseburger Cocktail, which contains rum, beef stock, tomatoes and lettuce water. Here’s my question. If you make it a double, does it give you a whopper of a hangover?

A San Francisco marijuana dispensary is offering patients free joints every time the Giants hit a home run during the World Series. That explains the thousands of glaucoma patients outside Barry Bonds’ home begging him to unretire.

The Pizza Express in Manchester, England, is investigating reports that a couple was spotted having sex in one of its restaurants after hours. The pizza chain want to avoid being sued for stealing the plot of half the porn industry’s most popular films.

NASA is conducting feasibility studies on whether astronauts could be sent on permanent, one-way missions to Mars to colonize it. NASA won’t send them to the moon because it can’t afford to pay royalties to the estates of Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows.

A Brazilian court ruled that McDonald's must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds while working there for 12 years. McDonald’s blamed the manager for thinking the phrase “Do you want fries with that?” was actually “Are you going to finish that?”

The Food and Drug Administration has decided not to approve Onexa, a highly-touted experimental diet pill, because it could cause major cardiovascular events. The manufacturer is hoping the FDA will reconsider when it starts putting the pills in bottles with Cheney-proof caps.

Former House Majority Leader Dick Armey claims that President Bill Clinton and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich privately discussed their extramarital affairs with each other over drinks and cigars. Both men deny it, saying only that they were close but no cigar.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hell's Angelfish

Many retailers are moving Black Friday, the traditional day-after-Thanksgiving start of the holiday shopping season, to the Friday before Halloween. Sounds like the name should be changed to Bleak Friday.

In a recent interview, Laura Bush said her husband’s favorite iPad app is Scrabble. W can only play for a few minutes before getting a sudden uncontrollable urge for alphabet soup.

The Guinness Book awarded an Angolan man known as the Jaw of Awe the title of world's widest mouth after he shoved a 12-ounce can of soda in it sideways. He’s also under investigation for the mysterious disappearance of a number of dental hygienists.

A British inventor has created a new underwater scooter that allows tourists to explore coral reefs without learning to scuba dive or even swim. Regular reef divers are now complaining about being terrorized by a gang of tattooed scooter riders known as the Hell’s Angelfish.

Police in Boulder say a man apparently shot himself in the knee while sleepwalking. That’s the last time he’ll go straight to bed after watching a mobster movie.

Barry Bonds says he’d like to be a hitting coach someday for the San Francisco Giants. He’s waiting for the Giants to convert a Volkswagen beetle into a batting helmet for him.

The Columbus Zoo sadly reported that the world’s longest snake in captivity has died. In lieu of flowers, zookeepers are asking fans of the 24-foot python to send pallbearers instead.

The United Nations has confirmed that furniture in its New York headquarters is infested with bedbugs. Officials are trying to decide whether to fumigate the building or just move the furniture into the Iranian delegate’s office.

Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell threatened to sue a radio station for posting a video of an interview she gave. She later backed down and threatened to turn the station owner into a frog instead.

The woman who was with Charlie Sheen during his latest drunken tirade has been identified as a 22-year-old porn star who says she’s not a prostitute. Right. She was naked in his room helping him rehearse one of those hilarious shower scenes from “Two-and-a-Half Men.”

The Museum of the Confederacy in Virginia is using x-rays to determine if two Civil War-era toy dolls in its collection were used to smuggle drugs. They got suspicious when they gave the dolls a water-filled bottle and the liquid came out of their noses instead of the other end.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

$%#@ Our Former Star Says

According to the Census Bureau, an estimated 36 million children between ages 5 and 13 put on costumes and went trick-or-treating last Halloween. That number will be higher this year due to trick-or-treating Tea Partiers who act like they’re between the ages of 5 and 13.

A Nevada political action committee caught flak for an automated call that went out to about 50,000 homes at one in the morning. The PAC must now pay for 50,000 broken phones and 50,0000 holes in the wall.

An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. It comes with the world’s smallest Jaws-of-Life to help open the mouths of anyone dumb enough to try and eat the whole thing.

An Australian man was charged with assault after tattooing a 16-inch penis onto his friend's back. The tattooed man knew something was wrong when his hand-shaped backscratcher started growing hair on the palm.

In Germany, a tiger trainer who almost mauled to death by his big cats is getting married and the tigers will serve as his best man and groomsmen. Not surprisingly, the bachelor party will be held at the local Pussycat Club.

Train stations in China are now installing vending machines that dispense live crabs. As if getting live bedbugs from the sleeping cars wasn’t bad enough.

Comedian and “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart is No. 1 on AskMen's Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2010 list, finishing well ahead of No. 21 Barack Obama. Obama would have finished higher, but the web site is called AskMen, not AskMenWhoWillLoseTheirJobsIfHe’sNotReelected.

An original Darth Vader costume from the “Star Wars” movies is up for auction in London. The owner is an anonymous American who says he can’t wear the costume anymore because the metal helmet interferes with his defibrillator and the eyeholes are too small to see the people whose faces he’s trying to shoot.

Karl Rove said in an interview that “45 percent of NPR listeners were Saddam Hussein.” If that’s true, how come 45 percent of the callers to Car Talk didn’t want advice on how to tune-up a camel?

More bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have purchased the rights to the title “$%#@ Our Former Star Says.”

Monday, October 25, 2010


Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. Whatever he did, he’s lucky those voicemails and emails were completed before he started having so many interceptions.

Sony announced that it has ceased production of cassette Walkmans, which were first introduced in 1979. It will still be available in China where it’s known as the Wokman.

Celine Dion gave birth over the weekend to twin boys, so she now has three sons. She already has the kids enrolled in daycare in 2013, preschool in 2015 and opening for her in Vegas in 2016.

Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” Poor Mel wasted over 100 drinking binges getting into character for the role.

Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva was offered $75,000 for a full nude photo shoot in Playboy. Not to be outdone, Mel has been offered a nude shoot in a magazine for hotheads called Ranthouse.

A librarian from Perth, Australia is in the Guinness Book of World Records for collecting the lint from his belly button every day for 26 years. While he doesn’t collect the lint, the record for years of continuous years of navel-gazing belongs to Rush Limbaugh.

Ian Poulter has angered golf fans by posting a video of himself and his children eating Cheerios out of the Ryder Cup. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “What a Ryder’s Cup?”

In France, eleven people jumped out of a second-floor window after seeing a naked man who they mistakenly thought was the devil. If you’re working on your Halloween costume, apparently the devil now has a beer belly, man boobs and a shrinkage problem.

Cabarrus County in North Carolina is set to begin burning processed human waste at its water-treatment plant as early as next year. They’re just waiting for warning signs to post along the highway that read: “Don’t blame the dog or Grandma in the back seat – it’s us.”

A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. Not surprisingly, it also found that Dutch kids with big fingers gravitate to flood control.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Forget the flowers and send bushes instead

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous.” He was hoping to get a job on Fox News, but they don’t have a need for anyone who tells the truth.

In Reno, Nevada, a five-year-old Maine Coon cat broke the Guinness world record for the world's longest domestic cat after measuring 48.5 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. This cat is so long, it can ignore both its owners and their next-door neighbors at the same time.

Toyota is recalling 1.53 million Lexus, Avalon and other models for brake fluid and fuel pump problems. Things are so bad, all 2011 Toyotas will come with a free postage-paid box to send them back in.

Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione passed away at the age of 79. In his honor, the family is asking mourners to forget the flowers and send bushes instead.

Republican Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell now says she regrets doing the campaign ad in which she declared “I'm not a witch.” It’s not the ad she regrets – it’s not getting doused with a bucket of water at the end.

Some NFL players say the league’s new crackdown on violent hits will ruin the game. These are the same players who were looking forward to making money after retirement by crushing beer cans on their heads at autograph parties.

A federal appeals court froze a judge's order halting the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy after the Pentagon announced it will accept openly gay soldiers. The policy is now called “don’t ask, don’t tell me I have to change the recruiting sign again.”

A former Secret Service agent reveals in his new book that he nearly accidentally shot President Lyndon Johnson when the president stepped outside for some air. Johnson knew he was wrong to step out without letting anyone know, but that didn’t stop him from picking the agent up by his ears.

The Census Bureau reports that 20 percent of the statisticians in the U.S. work for the federal government. The Tea Party reports that the other 99 percent are pollsters for them.

A fisherman in Wisconsin caught a rare 51-inch albino muskie. According to most seafood chefs, the proper way to serve albino muskie is baked with a Moby dip.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A new interpretation of Skull and Bones

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. Even more exciting, this proves that the world’s oldest knock-knock joke is the one that answers the question: “yodel lady who?”

Anita Hill says she won’t apologize to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas despite a mysterious call from his wife, Virginia. However, Mrs. Thomas will get a thank-you note from PepsiCo for reminding Americans of the image of a pubic hair on a Coke can.

President Obama may skip a trip to a prominent Sikh holy site in India because it could reinforce incorrect rumors that he is a Muslim, not a Christian. He’s so paranoid, he even asked Michelle to blow-dry her hair rather than wrapping her head in a towel.

1968 Playboy Playmate of the Year Angela Dorian was charged with attempted murder after she allegedly shot her boyfriend in their Hollywood apartment. Her lawyer blames the boyfriend, saying she finally snapped after he asked her for the 100th time to get staples tattooed on her stomach.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. Being a typical mother-in-law, the first thing she asked is why the woman didn’t cut off the crusts like she likes them.

A fraternity at Yale University is in trouble for forcing pledges to walk around campus chanting obscenities about necrophilia and anal sex. Must be a new interpretation of Skull and Bones.

In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

Actress Betty White will be the voice of Mrs. Claus in a new animated Christmas special. The 88-year-old White got the job after promising to stick to the script and not improvise anything about licking Santa’s candy cane.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Creationists say this is concrete proof that 6,000 years ago God created the number 13.1 billion.

A woman in Massachusetts was arrested after trying to deposit a fake $10,000 bill at a bank. The woman didn’t help her cause when she asked for her change in $1000 bills.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The largest city ever destroyed by flatulence

A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds wroth almost $8 million. The phone is so exclusive, it will only allow you to text while driving a Rolls.

A pair of Buddhist monks plan to spend two months crawling 500 miles on their knees while visiting 99 temples in China. It’s like a pub crawl except the monks are able to start praying every morning without a hangover.

Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. The odds on this occurring are 50 million to one, or about the same as her husband getting anywhere near her nine months before 11/11/11.

The Vatican's official newspaper has honored Homer Simpson as a television character who exemplifies the true meaning of being Catholic. Based on that, Catholics are now demanding that the communion wafer wine be re[placed by communion donuts and beer.

An unnamed senior NATO official says Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri are believed to be hiding in houses in northwest Pakistan. If that’s the case, we need to call off the military and let GMAC flush them out with foreclosure notices.

Jilloch, a chimpanzee who appeared in a series of television commercials in England for PG Tips tea, has died at the age of 34. An intelligent chimp who drinks Earl Grey is the main reason why the Tea Party hasn’t caught on in England.

President Obama honored winners of student competitions science, technology, engineering and math in a presentation at the White House. The last time student scientists were at the White House was when George W. Bush invited some kids over to show him that trick with Diet Coke and Mentos.

Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason says the band could get back together soon to play concerts for charity. The first charity is People for the Ethical Treatment of Pigs

A Seattle-area woman attending a court-ordered anger management class was charged with assault after she stabbed another student. Since the victim survived, the woman will get an “incomplete” instead of an “F” for the class.

President Obama is scheduled to appear on an episode of "Mythbusters" on the Discovery Channel. Obama will help determine whether the Greek scientist Archimedes set fire to an invading Roman fleet using only mirrors and the reflected rays of the sun and if that same technique be used to destroy a birth certificate.

Residents of Iztapalapa, Mexico, cooked up a 230-foot-long, almost 1½-ton enchilada to set a new world record. A second record was set later in the day when Iztapalapa became the largest city ever destroyed by flatulence.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” Then she realized she was reading from the hand she uses for Trig’s bedtime stories.

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino is in trouble for emails he sent with pornographic photos attached. He claims he was hoping to sway the nudist colony vote.

In his upcoming autobiography, Rolling Stone Keith Richards describes Mick Jagger as unbearable but says they still might tour again. Nothing patches up old differences like guitars, groupies and ganja.

The owners of the Boston Red Sox have purchased Liverpool’s soccer club for $476 million. Boy, are they going to be upset when they find out you can’t use a green wall as a goalie.

Paramount Pictures is working on a sequel to the 1986 aviation action flick “Top Gun” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as Maverick. It will be a much smaller role since Sarah Palin and John McCain pretty much took all the fun out of being a maverick.

The man who streaked at an appearance by President Obama in Philadelphia won’t win a $1 million prize because the president didn’t see him. Republicans were quick to criticize Obama, saying this proves he never takes his eyes off of the teleprompter.

Swiss engineers have finished drilling the world’s longest tunnel – a 35.4 mile hole under the Alps. Since part of the drilling was through dirt, the longest hole through solid rock is still Glenn Beck’s ear canal.

A Massachusetts man is facing an assault charge for allegedly hitting a town hall custodian on the back of the head with a roll of toilet paper. The custodian is OK except for an overwhelming urge to run into the woods with a baby bear.

A New Jersey pilot is facing charges for dropping wet toilet paper from his small plane onto an elementary school. None of the kids were hurt, but the preschool teachers say some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training.

Researchers at Oregon Health & Science University say that yoga may benefit people suffering from fibromyalgia, a disease which causes muscle and joint pain, fatigue and sleep disturbance. Unfortunately, yoga can’t help pain in the tongue caused by trying to pronounce “fibromyalgia.”

Turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads

In an recent interview, Harry Whittington – the lawyer shot in the face by Dick Cheney on a hunting trip – said his injuries were worse than reported and Cheney has never apologized. Cheney claims he tried to apologize once but the little devil on his left shoulder shot the little angel on his right shoulder.

In the latest Delaware Senate debate, Republican Christine O'Donnell could not name a single recent Supreme Court decision she disagreed with. However, she had no trouble naming three spells that turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads.

The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. They all turned down a trip to Disneyland because they’re terrified of the It’s A Small World ride.

Spike TV is said to be working on a mining reality series from the producers of “Deadliest Catch.” I think they should combine it with another reality series and throw the cast of “Jersey Shore” down a hole.

When a 24.6-inch-tall Nepalese teenager turned 18 this week, he was officially declared the world's shortest man by Guinness record officials. He’s so small, his high school class voted him “Most likely to not mind getting stuffed in a locker.”

Rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena is an Elvis Presley fan, so he was thrilled to receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Memphis and a special tour of Graceland. When he was first trapped he was a fan of the fat Elvis, but now he prefers the thin one.

First lady Michelle Obama says she's bringing the arts to the White House to “lift young people up.” Republicans immediately condemned this lifting-up program as a sign the Obama administration hates the elevator industry.

Wal-Mart Stores announced a new program to buy more locally-grown produce. The program starts as soon as they find people who can grow Slim Jims.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Tiger Woodless

New York’s anti-gay Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino once collected rent from two gay clubs located in buildings he owned in downtown Buffalo. Apparently when it comes to money, Paladino has no aversion to three-dollar bills.

Good news for the rescued Chilean miners. To accommodate all of them, Dancing with the Stars is expanding to 33 contestants.

According to, President Barack Obama and Sarah Palin are 10th cousins through an ancestor named John Smith. This is a tough one for Tea Partiers. It either means that Obama is an American citizen or Sarah Palin is black.

For the second time since August, an intruder tried to get into the L.A. home of Paris Hilton. Paris was upset until she found out her name hasn’t been in the news since August.

While in Kosovo, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton rode on Bill Clinton Boulevard and posed for pictures in front of an 11-foot gold statue of her husband. Then she made an emergency trip to the Bill Clinton Dental Clinic to have her jaw unclenched.

One member of the two-man team that won a California college fishing championship fished for 10 hours with a fishhook accidentally embedded in his head. Not only did he win a $50,000 prize for his school, he started a new college fashion trend.

One day after separating from David Arquette, Courteney Cox was offered $1 million to become spokeswoman for, a dating site for older women seeking younger men. In a related story, David Arquette was offered a job as spokesperson for

First lady Michelle Obama is on the campaign trail for the first time since her husband’s 2008 presidential campaign. She’s so popular with Americans, her Secret Service code name is Betty White.

A Chinese man traveling to Expo 2010 Shanghai says he sailed 932 miles on a raft made of plastic bottles. That makes it the first boat in Chinese history that can legally be called a junk.

A transgender woman is suing the LPGA over a requirement which states all competitors must be “female at birth.” She’s hoping to compete under her new name: Tiger Woodless.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. I don’t mind them breaking records, but I’d rather see them go for eating the most poisonous snakes or pounding the most nails in their skulls.

Apple has been granted a trademark for the phrase, “There's an app for that.” Not to be outdone, Microsoft is working to trademark the phrase, “The app is always greener on the other side of the fence.”

In a recent speech, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul brought up Bill Clinton’s indiscretions with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. This was good news for Monica Lewinsky’s publicist, who hasn’t had any luck getting her on “Dancing With The Stars.”

A prison website claims to have a black-and-white full frontal nude photo of the late great Yankee centerfielder, Mickey Mantle. It’s hard to tell for sure If it’s Mantle because he’s being crowded out of the picture by Brett Farve.

An Egyptian court granted a woman a divorce because her husband refused to bathe, claiming he was allergic to water. Lindsey Lohan is planning to use the same defense to explain why she started drinking again.

A Wisconsin man has grown a 1,810.5 pound pumpkin, breaking the world record. It so big, he plans to carve it into a Kirstie-o-lantern.

The 24-year-old man who streaked at President Barack Obama's rally in Philadelphia said he did it in an attempt to win $1 million offered by a British billionaire. President Obama didn’t see the streaker, but it gave him an idea of what to get Barney Frank for his birthday.

Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. The Cherokee phrase texted most often so far is CUST R LOL.

Some Chinese scientists plan to search the mountainous areas of central China for the legendary Chinese version of Bigfoot known as “Yeren” We’ll know if they’re successful when we see the next Chinese national basketball team.

Republican strategist Karl Rove is denying reports that his party gets campaign donations from foreign sources. Looks like he’s still using the world map that he used to teach George W. Bush about geography.

Wal-Mart announced it will start selling Apple's iPad tablet computer in most of its stores in time for Christmas. It’s a special Wal-Mart version of the iPad that doubles as a cutting board and bug swatter.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Oprah calls her Oprah

The word is out that the “I like it on the …” messages on Facebook are about where women like to leave their purses. Millions of embarrassed naked men are now climbing off the top of the dresser.

Charlie the Smoking Chimp, a mainstay at a South African Zoo, has died at age 52, living ten years longer than the average chimp. Zoo veterinarians attributed Charlie’s long life to staying fit by throwing feces at people who wouldn’t let him bum cigarettes.

The company whose toxic red sludge that burst out of a Hungarian factory's reservoir and flowed to the Danube River claims it’s not harmful. Who knew that BP also stands for Budapest Putridity?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Health reports that a surprising jump in the number of Americans hobbled by arthritis may be due to obesity. This explains the new Extra Light Excedrin.

A Michigan State football fan delayed having a pacemaker installed so he could watch the Spartans play the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday. He’s hoping he doesn’t become a diehard fan.

A judge in San Antonio ruled that nude dancing in gentlemen's clubs in that city is illegal. Even if the dancers yell out “Remember the Ala-ho!”

A Pennsylvania man who hid four ounces of marijuana in the Elmo backpack his son took to school was sentenced to six to 23 months in jail. The boy’s teacher turned the dad in when the kid referred to the character on his backpack as Don’t Bogart Me Elmo.

Former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon, the Republican nominee for U.S. Senate in Connecticut, says she misspoke when she suggested lowering the minimum wage. She meant to say, “Can you smell what the cold heartless candidate is cooking?”

A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and sired more than 160 children died at age 94. Newspaper carriers are being advised to lift with their knees when they deliver copies of the edition with his obituary.

Michelle Obama is number one on Forbes magazine’s list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the world. She’s so powerful, Oprah calls her Oprah.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

One-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters

A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. The cops are now searching for an extremely paranoid proctologist.

Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva said she feared for her life during a fight with him earlier this year. The worst part was the thought of calling 9-1-1 and having to keep re-spelling her name.

Facebook admitted that unspecified site issues caused the site to be slow or unavailable for some of its 500 million users. It was just a coincidence that those people were the ones who posted favorable reviews of “The Social Network.”

A purple potato that is supposedly healthier than white potatoes has gone on sale in England. Brits afraid to try the odd-colored chips with their fish are not impressed that the spuds are recommended by one-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters.

According to a new study, transplant patients who believe in God have a better survival rate than atheists. Both groups are out-survived by transplant patients who believe in malpractice suits.

A Chinese airport in Inner Mongolia was forced to shut down to prevent commercial jets from crashing into what looked like a UFO. Passengers in the air were told that, in the event of an alien abduction, their seat cushions could be used as a probe-blocking device.

An American family attending a circus in the Ukraine recorded a video of lions attacking a lion trainer while the audience watched. They managed to smuggle the video out and are considering an offer from the Detroit NFL franchise to use it as a training film.

Firefighters in East Greenwich, Rhode Island, managed to save the life of an 18-foot Burmese python they found in a burning building. Then they almost killed it when they caught the snake humping their hose.

A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. The dentist is counter-suing since the piece of dental equipment was his finger.

Frito-Lay is getting rid of its 100 percent compostable SunChips bags after customer complaints that the bags were too noisy when handled. This was a real problem at Tea Party rallies where the noise outed SunChip eaters as the too-wussy-to-eat-all-American-potato-chips liberals they really are.

A Swedish hospital has apologized for a Halloween blood drive campaign that scared some people with its slogan: “Give Blood! See Blood!” They borrowed the slogan from the U.S. after a recent highly-successful NRA blood drive.

Police in British Columbia were called to a fundraiser after 150 drunken women started brawling when one stood on a chair and blocked their view of a male stripper. The cops arrested the women for assault and the stripper for doing the Full Mounty.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Reclining barstools

According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. On the downside, only one percent go with tartar sauce.

A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. To capitalize on this, a number of cocktail lounges are offering reclining barstools.

The first national survey of Americans' sexual behavior since 1994 found 41 different ways people engage in sex. This came as a shock to Christine O’Donnell who is still waiting for her first sex lesson from a missionary.

Doctors are reporting cases of “toasted skin syndrome,” an unusual-looking mottled skin condition caused by spending too many hours with a hot notebook computer on your lap. Not surprisingly, over a million people with this condition have formed a Facebook group.

The FBI and Homeland Security Department say they have no indication that terrorists are targeting U.S. citizens as part of a new threat against Europe. The news came as a disappointment to French waiters.

Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. In a similar announcement, George W. Bush says he’s recovered from his bout with being president and has resumed bugging Laura all day about what’s for dinner.

South Korea retained the title of grand champion for the third straight year at the10th annual World Cyber Games. The winners had to postpone a victory parade through the streets of Seoul because their wrists are still too sore to wave.

In England, an obstacle course race between soccer club mascots got ugly when it was discovered that some clubs secretly replaced the regular mascots with athletic ringers and were actually trying to win. If it works for mascots, maybe the Detroit Lions should try it with the rest of the team.

Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. These injuries are usually accompanied by arm strains caused by throwing the console against the wall.

A popular charity calendar in Austria features farm girls dressed as Marilyn Monroe in Seven Year Itch, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Halle Berry's Catwoman and Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. The local favorite is a farmer’s daughter dressed as the host of a documentary on sheep breeding.

After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. The dancers got suspicious when the undercover officers ran out of dollar bills and tried to stuff their G-strings with donut shop coupons.

According to a new report, China is the world's largest toilet market with nearly 19 million toilets being sold there every year. Many homes have two: the Moo Goo Guy and the Moo Goo Girl models.

Friday, October 1, 2010

A Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster

A Russian company says it plans to build a four-room hotel in outer space by 2016. It will cost $20 million a night for a regular room and $10 million if you take the room by the ice machine.

A police department in England is raising money by selling bras and panties confiscated from female criminals. Most popular are the ones from prostitutes, least popular are those from women who strangled their lovers with thongs.

The government of Sweden has issued an alert about the threat of a terrorist attack. Swedish citizens are asked to report anyone who is not blonde, doesn’t want a massage or hates meatballs.

Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. To cater to the local clientele, the girls will also wear see-through cheeseheads.

In New Mexico, the Santa Fe City Council updated its indecency ordinance to state that men cannot expose their genitals if they are in “a discernibly turgid state.” If you’re unsure what that means, look at a map of the United States and you’ll see that Florida is not a discernibly turgid state

A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” Funny, I thought food porn was Lady Gaga taking off her meat dress.

According to a new study, some women say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them feel sexier and more feminine. And some men say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster.