Friday, July 30, 2010


A park in England has given up on finding a mate for a male swan after it allegedly killed two wives and forced another to leave. Mel Gibson is planning to do a movie about the swan called “Bravehonk.”

A woman being chased by Cincinnati police for speeding stopped at all the red lights before she was finally caught. It was the first televised police chase suitable for all audiences.

A woman in South Carolina took her car to the shop because it kept stalling and found out there was a cheeseburger in the gas tank. The bill came to $1000 minus two bucks for the cheeseburger which the mechanic said was just a little greasy.

In Washington state, a woman called 911 after she was locked in an acupuncture clinic after the workers apparently forgot about her and locked her in the office. She’s fine now but until the police got there she was on pins and needles.

The Black Eyed Peas tune “I Gotta Feeling” has become the first song to reach the 6 million mark in digital downloads. That’s not counting another 6 million who don’t need to download it because the song is permanently stuck in their heads.

The latest rumor is that Bristol Palin may call off the wedding because her fiance Levi Johnston may have impregnated his ex-girlfriend while he and Bristol were apart. An attorney for Levi has advised his client to not talk to the media and to avoid walking around Wasilla in a moose costume.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer says the company is working with Intel and computer makers to make tablet touch-screen computers. Bill Gates is not involved in the development except to say it need to be strong enough to not break apart when he uses it to smash an iPad.

Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for appearing on “The View” but not taking time to visit the US-Mexico border. On the other hand, Sarah plans to visit the US-Mexico border even though she can see it just fine from her front porch.

It looks like Jennifer Lopez will replace Ellen DeGeneres as a judge on “American Idol.” Music industry experts are comparing this to when the Beatles went from having no drummer to hiring Pete Best.

Brazilian supermodel Lea T announced he’s getting a male-to-female sex change operation. For Lea T, the biggest lifestyle change in going from a male to a female supermodel is going from eating one Slim Jim to one celery stalk a day.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

No paintings of birds playing poker

Goldman Sachs has banned the use of profanities in employee emails. The only exception is a “holy f***” when expressing joy and gratitude over your bonus.

Feminists in Austria are calling for a ban on a beer ad that features three topless women holding glasses of ale that match their hair colors. The beer company is willing to consider it if the feminists promise they’ll drink something called “bald ale.”

Congress is considering lifting the ban on Internet gambling as a way to generate new tax revenues. Republicans are especially interested in a new online poker game based on recent immigration laws called Arizona Holds-Em.

Eighty-nine-year-old Carol Channing is on the road promoting her latest CD, a collection of childhood favorites her father taught her. Her agent advised the white-haired singer to avoid appearing in a white pantsuit with white fuzzy slippers because it makes her like a giant Q-tip.

William Baldwin will have a recurring role during the second season of the series “Parenthood.” His character’s main job is to turn off the TV whenever “30 Rock” comes on.

Officials in Kansas City, Missouri, are suspending a fabric canopy under a highway to stop pigeon droppings from falling on a street in the arts district. Apparently the pigeons are upset because the arts district has no paintings of birds playing poker.

A judge in New York threw out a summons issued to a man wearing low-slung pants that exposed his underwear, saying that saggy pants is foolish but legal. However, the judge still fined the man for putting the song “Pants on the Ground” in his head for the rest of the day.

A partial set of dentures used by former British leader Winston Churchill sold at auction for $23,723. You can tell they’re Churchill’s because they start snapping when placed next to a bratwurst.

Former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman says he’ll be on “Dancing with the Stars” next season. This show has now featured more former NFL players than “America’s Most Wanted” and “Celebrity Rehab.”

Ousted Agriculture Department employee Shirley Sherrod says she’s suing conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart for posting an edited video of her. Breitbart immediately cut up the announcement and rearranged the letters to show that Sherrod was actually calling him an N-word.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Stardust Mammaries

Slovenian police arrested a computer hacker suspected of creating the Mariposa botnet, a malicious software code that infected 12 million computers worldwide. He should have know it would be a bad day when he found out all of his Star Trek shirts were dirty except for the red one.

Mocienne Petit Jackson is claiming she’s the love child of Michael Jackson and Diana Ross’ sister and wants part of his estate and custody of his kids. No word from the Jacksons but Diana Ross says there ain’t no mountain of evidence high enough.

A 56-year-old woman took 28 hours and 44 minutes to get from Dover to Calais to become the slowest person ever to swim the English Channel. Not surprisingly, the first thing she wanted when she got to France was a plate of escargot.

Austrian brewers claim they’ve invented a beer laced with cheese that improves a drinker' sexual performance. It’s expected to be available in the U.S. soon under the name Pabst Blue Cheesin’.

A hotel in Tokyo has a special room for model train fanatics that comes with a fully functioning model railroad system. Not surprisingly, the room has only a single bed.

In Israel, a married Palestinian man was given an 18 month jail sentence for having sex with a Jewish woman after lying to her that he was Jewish, single and interested in a relationship. This could severely damage Israel’s support from Republican politicians.

The Chestatee Wildlife Preserve in Dahlonega, Georgia, is home to a baby zedonk, a cross between a zebra father and donkey mother. I thought a donkey that changed its stripes was called a Blue Dog Democrat.

The Cincinnati Bengals have signed wide receiver Terrell Owens to play with his friend and fellow wide receiver Chad Ochocinco. With their egos, the Bengals could be the first NFL team to have one player tackle his own teammate for catching a ball.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he’ll jail immigration protesters when Arizona’s new immigration law takes effect. And to be on the safe side, he also plans to jail any radio DJ who plays Eric Clapton singing “I Shot The Sheriff.”

France's first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy is making her debut as an actress in a Woody Allen movie being shot in Paris. Based on the shots he took of Carla, Woody plans to call the movie “Stardust Mammaries.”

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The buck stops here

A man watching a cricket match in England was hit by a 3-inch meteor that bounced off the ground and struck him in the chest. Not wanting to leave his expensive seat, he treated the meteorite bruise himself by rubbing it with some Comet.

After he’s replaced by American Robert Dudley on Oct. 1., BP CEO Tony Hayward will be reassigned to a project in Russia. If he thought Americans overreacted when he spilled some oil, he’d better not spill any Russian vodka.

An Iowa teenager has been nicknamed "The Deer Magnet" after she hit five deer with her car in the past year. To warn deer, her car now has a front bumper sticker that reads : “The buck stops here.”

NBC has finally confirmed that Steve Carell will leave “The Office” after this " star has consistently told NBC he's leaving after this coming season and that the show will go on without him. “The Office” without Michael Scott should be called “The office I hate going to every day.”

The Japanese government reports that Japanese women have a life expectancy of almost 86 1/2 years, topping the world longevity ratings for the 25th straight year. They’d live even longer but they eventually have poor eyesight and become prone to chopstick accidents.

A new reality show on MTV called “If You Really Knew Me” will attempt to help teens look past high school stereotypes. The biggest budget item on the show is for underwear ruined by wedgies.

Police in Missouri arrested a home invader after the homeowner fought him off with a railroad spike. The homeowner wants the intruder to be sentenced to community service where he’ll have to work on the railroad all the livelong day.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Kentucky Fried Christian

A scientific reconstruction of one of the oldest sets of human remains found in the Americas has resulted in the image of a woman who appears to have migrated all the way from southeastern Asia. It looks like she came for the same reason many woman migrated here … the search for shorter lines outside the ladies bathroom cave.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says he met with the Russian spies who were expelled from the U.S., promised them good jobs in their homeland and joined them in singing an unofficial KGB anthem. Having been in America so long, most of the spies thought the song was “Back in the USSR.”

In Colorado, a bear climbed into an unlocked Corolla and took it for a joyride before crashing in a thicket. The poor bear had to be tranquilized when he found out he was in a Toyota.

A man in China claims his 22-year-old chicken is a world record and the hen would be 400 in human years. That explains the resemblance to Joan Rivers.

A man in England claims his pet chicken that survived a fox attack now has the face of Jesus on its feathers, so he named it Gloria after Gloria Gaynor's song “I Will Survive.” The chicken is just happy it didn’t get named KFC – Kentucky Fried Christian.

In China, a man claiming to be addicted to eating light bulbs says he’s consumed over a thousand and that the addiction caused his wife to divorce him. It wasn’t the eating so much as it was the shredded chairs every time he passed gas.

Residents of the English town of Shitterton have stopped thieves from stealing the town’s welcome sign by carving its name on a one-ton boulder. If no one can take a Shitterton, shouldn’t the town now be called Constipation?

An 80-year-old Georgia man found $4,800 worth of pot inside the picture frame of a painting he was planning to sell. He should have suspected something when the eyes on the velvet Elvis got bigger while he was watching “Weeds.”

Police in Swissville, Pennsylvania, arrest a man who robbed a bank while wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants. He’ll be charged with robbery and impersonating golfer John Daly.

Police in Jordan arrested an animal rights activist who covered herself in lettuce to promote vegetarianism. Everything was fine until the wind blew and revealed that the salad had no dressing.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Hairy Montag

A former General Motors engineer and her husband are accused of conspiring to steal trade secrets about hybrid technology and use the information to make private deals with Chinese car companies. Company officials got suspicious when they heard about a Chinese hybrid called the Moo Goo Gee Em.

Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry saves about $500,000 in state taxes by docking his family's new $7 million yacht in neighboring Rhode Island. This news story was uncovered by the Swift Yacht Veterans for Truth.

In China, a man known as Hairy Man because his body is covered in thick black hair is having plastic surgery on his big nose because he thinks it cost him the lead on a TV show called “The Monkey King.” If it works, he plans to change his name to Hairy Montag.

BP removed another photoshopped Gulf of Mexico oil disaster picture from its Web site. It wasn’t hard to spot … it showed pelicans happily scrubbing each other’s backs while singing “Rub-a-dub-dub.”

A company in India unveiled the prototype of a $35 basic touchscreen tablet computer to compete with Apple’s iPad. They’re able to keep the price that low because phoning for service is a local call.

A whistleblower claims that Northwest Airlines violated more than 1,000 federal safety directives in 2008. Not surprisingly, when he flew to Washington to make his report he was in the middle seat of the last row.

The Miss America Pageant will celebrate its 90th anniversary on January 15, 2011, at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. This is the perfect location since many of the contestants think Hollywood is a planet.

More bad news for Charles Rangel. Andrew Breitbart just found out that he’s black.

CBS announced that Justin Bieber will guest star in the upcoming season of "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation." The CSI team will be sent to one of Justin’s concerts to investigate reports by a number of people over 40 that his success is a crime.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Old English sheepdawgs

Astronomers studying 12-mile-wide snowballs forming in Saturn’s rings say they may give clues to the creation of planets in the early solar system. Creationists say this just proves God has a corncob pipe, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal.

According to a new survey, whites in the U.S. increased their alcohol consumption from 1992 to 2002 while blacks and Hispanics did not. Further proof that the Tea Party is misnamed.

The woman who is the cell next to Lindsay Lohan is linked to a group that burglarized Lindsay’s home last year. To show there’s no hard feelings, Lohan told the woman to call her up when she gets out and she’ll give her the address of her lawyer’s house.

A Utah man is accused of violating a protective order because he allegedly sent letters to his estranged wife's cat. What’s worse, he told the cat it was OK to use his wife’s bed as a litter box.

House Minority Leader John Boehner says three of his brothers lost their jobs during the recession and he doesn’t know if they’re still unemployed. Coincidentally, they’ve been watching C-SPAN and they’re not sure if he’s working either.

The stone penis on a nude statue of an angel at a German fashion designer’s gravesite has disappeared. That’s what I call taking the ‘rub’ out of cherub.

Police in North Carolina arrested a man who allegedly loaded his gun with a wad of toilet paper and shot his wife in the back. Neighbors were shocked, although they should have suspected something since most described the man as being “charmin’.”

Singer and actor Chris Isaak has met with Fox twice about replacing Simon Cowell as a judge on “American Idol.” In order to not violate the unwritten rule that one judge on talent shows must be or at least act British, Randy Jackson may be forced to refer to contestants as “Old English sheepdawgs.”

Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III, won a charity boxing match against Ken “The Carnivore” Cunningham. Using his father’s advice, Gore knocked his opponent out by pinning him against the ropes and explaining global warming.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Holy Acrimony

To celebrate the release of “Toy Story 3,” a man in England legally changed his name to Buzz Lightyear. To celebrate his decision, his girlfriend changed her name to “I’m With Stupid.”

In China, a 12-year-old boy born with 12 fingers and 12 toes has decided to keep the extra digits because they’re fully functional. Not to mention he just secured the worldwide rights to the expression, “Give me a high-six!”

A 600-pound New Jersey woman has been declared the Fattest Woman to Have Given Birth by Guinness World Records. She says thousands of people pay $15 a month for pictures of her doing housework in her underwear, which means she’s in contact with more than two big boobs.

In Vienna, a Catholic church undergoing renovations is in trouble with the local bishop for advertising a used confessional as a one-person sauna. What’s the big deal? If it’s a confessional, tens of thousands have already sweat in it.

Police in South Carolina arrested a woman who allegedly stuffed a McDonald's sandwich into her pants and then complained that she never received it. She was able to post bail using the money that three creepy guys paid her for the sandwich.

According to the Coast Guard, the 5,600 vessels taking part in the oil spill operation on the Gulf of Mexico make up the largest fleet assembled since the Allied invasion of Normandy. The big difference is that at Normandy the British were on OUR side.

Scientists in London have discovered the most massive star ever seen. They’ve received congratulatory notes from astronomers around the world and a thank-you note from the previous first-place winner, Kirstie Alley.

Authorities in Russia are may file animal cruelty charges against a group that flew a donkey in a parasail over a beach in southern Russia. The owners of the donkey must also turn over their unfinished movie, “Up, Up and A-Bray!”

The Oakland City Council is considering a plan to license four farms where medical marijuana would be grown, packaged and processed. We finally have the answer to the musical question, “How ya gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen Paree?”

Newly-engaged Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are reportedly shopping a reality show about their relationship. Proving the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Bristol says the show will end when she and Levi reach holy acrimony.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ignoring our own planet America

President Obama is hosting Mercury astronaut John Glenn and the Phoenix Mercury women's basketball team at the White House on the same day. Sarah Palin immediately denounced the meeting as showing favoritism to minority planets like Mercury while ignoring our own planet America.

Zsa Zsa Gabor had surgery to replace the hip she broke when she fell out of bed in her Bel Air home. Her doctor knew the operation was a success when she asked him if he’d like to be husband number 10.

Eighteen-year-old Filipino singer Charice Pempengco had Botox injections and an anti-aging skin tightening treatment to make her face narrower for her debut on the hit show “Glee.” Or as she now pronounces it, “Gluh.”

Sarah Palin defended her invention of the word “refudiate” by pointing out that William Shakespeare “liked to coin new words too.” Shakespeare also invented the character Puck, but that doesn’t mean we want our leaders to act like one.

In Bosnia, a man whose house has been hit six times by meteorites claims aliens are targeting him. He claims he has no idea why the aliens are stoning him and denied reports he had an affair with a Martian.

A poster showing Pamela Anderson in a string bikini with her body covered in butcher's labels such as "rump", "ribs" and "breast" has been condemned by the Canadian government as being sexist. Pam had the labels painted on during her appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” to keep track of how many points she got when her partner held her in each spot.

A food bank in Clearwater, Florida, distributed a can labeled as a "superfood" that turned out to be a can of dog food. This apparently isn’t the first time this has happened based on the long line of people outside the food bank waiting to use the fire hydrant.

The Tea Party has separated itself from the Tea Party Express and fired its leader, Mark Williams, over Williams’ satirical letter from “Colored People” to Abraham Lincoln. The Tea Party plans to fight all charges of it being racist and has retained the law firm of Little, Black, and Sambo.

Experts in Italy are baffled by a three-year-old boy who reads newspapers, operates the family's television remote and even gives medical advice. You know you’ve got a bad health care provider when a kid with an Operation game makes more sense.

When asked for details about her daughter Chelsea’s upcoming wedding, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said “My lips are sealed.” And to keep Bill out of trouble, so are the lips of all the bridesmaids.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Not The Tea Party

Police were called to the Muirfield Village Country Club in Dublin, Ohio, after a woman re[porting seeing Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger urinating on a tree. No charges will be filed unless it’s determine that Rothlisberger was intentionally urinating on a female squirrel in the tree.

Argentina is the first country in Latin America to legalize same-sex marriage. Those who objected to the new law are now afraid that the country’s signature dance, the tango, will be replaced by the mango.

President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are among 500 people reported invited to ex-first daughter Chelsea Clinton's wedding. The Secret Service will have extra agents there to protect the president when Oprah goes airborne in an attempt to catch the bouquet.

Kellogg admits that higher-than-normal amounts of methyl naphthalene in its package liners caused the unusual smell and flavor that prompted a recall of 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops and Honey Smacks. The recalled cereals are being repackaged as Methyl Munchies, Napthalene Nibbles and Odor Oaties.

A Colorado man has developed a car with two toilet bowls for seats. He’s already received orders from a number of lovelorn former NASA astronauts.

A man in India was taken to the hospital after a friend bet him he couldn’t swallow a poisonous snake. The man had recently been laid off but luckily was covered by COBRA insurance.

A model in Romania has started a new political party just for beautiful people. The name is a Romanian word that translates loosely to “Not The Tea Party.”

Shooting has begun on a remake of “Arthur,” the 1981 hit starring Dudley Moore. It’s being funded by the Republican Party in an attempt to convince voters that drunk millionaires can be loveable.

Republican Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky says that New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was “smart” to die in a year when there is no federal estate tax. If that’s true, it means there’s still time for Dr. Kevorkian to make a comeback as an estate counselor.

A Texas animal control officer said an alleged chupacabra, a mythical Mexican creature that sucks the blood from goats, was actually a hairless canine-coyote hybrid with mange. It’s confusing because that also describes half the contestants at a typical Mixed Martial Arts tournament.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Barbara wouldn’t let him toss W

NASA reports that the first six months of this year were the hottest on record. It’s so hot, President Obama is meeting with Republicans just for the cold reception.

It’s so hot, Lindsay Lohan wrote “F U Sun” on her fingernails.

Swimmers in Austria are being asked to keep their mouths shut in public pools because it costs too much to replace the water they swallow. They also asked that swimmers wait an hour after eating a meal but jump right in if they’re on a liquid diet.

A total of 1,062 Chinese people broke a Guinness world record by keeping soccer balls in the air with their feet for 10 seconds simultaneously. They could have gone longer but quit when they saw another thousand people coming to cheer them on with vuvuzelas.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he's seriously considering seeking the Republican presidential nomination. It’s the only thing left after finding out there’s no openings on “Dancing With The Stars” until 2013.

Tiger Woods says he expects a positive reception from British fans at the British Open. The British will forgive any infidelity scandal as long as neither party screams out the queen’s name during sex.

In Washington state, the driver of a FedEx tractor-trailer rig choked on some spicy pork rinds, lost control of his truck on an interstate and jackknifed it before coming to a stop in a ditch. He was charged with DWI – driving with indigestion.

Archaeologists in Jerusalem have discovered a clay fragment from the 14th century B.C. that contains the words "you," "them," and "later." Sounds like evidence that Noah was auditioning young ladies for the last two seats on the ark.

Former President George H.W. Bush's fishing boat, Fidelity IV, ran aground in thick fog on a beach near his Maine home. He could have freed the boat by throwing off some dead weight but Barbara wouldn’t let him toss W.

A man stopped for a traffic violation in Connecticut was found to have seven bags of heroin concealed in his buttocks. The police got suspicious when they saw the man drive by and moon a crack house.

The parent company of Penthouse magazine plans to make an offer to buy Playboy Enterprises from Hugh Hefner, who wants to take the company private. Penthouse plans to make the bid in a letter that begins with “She begged to wrap a $100 million check around my hot, rigid manhood.”

Monday, July 12, 2010

To Grill A Mockingbird

Former President Bill Clinton presided at the wedding ceremony for U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin, an aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Bill’s only slip came after he had married the couple and then said, “I may now kiss the bride.”

Rev. Jesse Jackson says Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert’s comments about LeBron James sounded like they were directed at a “runaway slave.” Actually, James was more like a freed slave how just got 40 million acres and a mule.

The Swiss government declared Roman Polanski a free after rejecting a U.S. request to extradite him on a charge of having sex in 1977 with a 13-year-old girl. The director of “Chinatown” is now working on a new movie about the current state of affairs in the U.S. called “Chinacountry.”

There’s speculation over whether Chelsea Clinton will convert before marrying Marc Mezvinsky, who was raised in Conservative Judaism. When asked what he thought of the possibility of his daughter converting to Judaism, her father Bill said, “That’s depends on what your definition of “ism” is.

Patrick Hemingway, the 82-year-old son of writer Ernest Hemingway, says his father would approve of a new line of shoes named after him. However, he probably wouldn’t help the business by changing the name of one of his books to “For Whom They Sell Soles.”

Two Southern California men played darts for 30 hours, 7 minutes to set a world record for the longest dart game ever. They also set a record for the longest time two people played darts without once saying, “What’s your point?”

Police in Washington arrested a men impersonating a bus driver who stole a bus and picked up passengers before crashing into a tree. The passengers started to get suspicious when the guy was polite, on schedule and waited for a lady who was running late.

It’s the 50th anniversary of Harper Lee's literary classic, “To Kill A Mockingbird.” She never wrote another novel, although she was tempted to write a cookbook called “To Grill A Mockingbird.”

A new biography of Sarah Palin is being written to appeal to 9-to-12-year-olds. Kind of like her speeches.

Producers of “Glee” say there’s no chance Britney Spears will appear on the musical comedy-drama despite a Twitter campaign by her manager. That’s too bad because the cheerleader coach on “Glee” is the only person left capable of talking some sense into Britney.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Reproductus expeditus

More bad news for Cleveland. All of the people who believe that LeBron James leaving the city is the end of the world have decided to stay.

ESPN’s rating for the big LeBron James announcement were so good, everyone wants in. The Food Network is pushing to broadcast his first decision when he arrives in Miami on whether to go out for seafood, ribs or Chinese.

Celine Dion announced on her web site that she’s pregnant with twin boys. She didn’t need an ultrasound – the doctor could tell from the two nipple-shaped objects sticking out on either side of her navel.

A new study found than people can be addicted to love the same as they can become addicted to drugs because the same parts of the brain are involved. It’s the part of the brain located beneath the area of the skull that both types of addicts bang against the wall.

A new study found that women are more willing to engage in "reproduction expediting" sexual activities as their biological clocks tick louder. Which explains why “reproductus expeditus” is the Latin word for “cougar.”

An upcoming auction in New York will feature the belongings of movie cowboy Roy Rogers, including the preserved remains of his horse, Trigger. The stuffed horse could fetch $200,000 – more if it still has the marks on its rear where Roy’s wife Dale Evans used to kick it.

Some people never learn. Lindsay Lohan is trying to find a network willing to broadcast her decision whether to go to a prison where the uniforms are orange or one where the inmates wear stripes.