Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Only you can prevent jalapeno trees

General Motors claims the new Chevrolet Volt rechargeable electric car should get 230 miles per gallon of gasoline in city driving. That’s four times the Toyota Prius and close to the record set by a kid who built his Soap Box Derby car on top of a mountain.

A columnist for the Financial Times compared President Obama to Felix the Cat, saying that, like Obama, the cartoon cat was black and lucky. There wasn’t much outrage at the comment since the columnist appears to be the only person alive who remembers Felix the Cat.

The top-selling country music duo Brooks and Dunn announced they’re breaking up the team in 2010. This is the biggest spilt in country music since Wynona Judd stopped wearing tight pants.

A new survey found that about half of American women think the government should mandate that wives take their husbands' last name upon marriage. The survey results were a disappointment to a select group of computer technicians who specialize in replacing worn-out hyphens on keyboards.

Sweden’s National Tax Agency, which regulates names in that country, say a 19-year-old woman cannot change her middle name to Dark Knight. The ruling was made by the head of the agency, Robin D. Boywonder.

Workers in California’s lucrative porn business say it’s in a slump because of the bad economy and free Internet sites. It’s tough to get a government bailout when “stimulus package” is also the name of a porn movie.

The U.S. Forest Service is celebrating the 65th birthday of Smokey Bear by featuring him in a new children’s book that will be available in both English ands Spanish. Some things get lost in translation. In Spanish, Smokey’s message is “Only you can prevent jalapeno trees.”

Michael Vick's agent was at the Washington Redskins’ training camp but says there’s “no chance” his client will sign with the team. Vick asked for a tryout, but the coaching staff said there were too many on the list ahead of him, including a number of bobble-head dolls.

Two well-dress thieves walked into a London Bond Street jewelry store last week and stole $65 million worth of gems. The robbers figured if they dressed nice, the movie about the robbery would star Daniel Craig and Pierce Brosnan instead of Rowan Atkinson and Robbie Coltrane.

At a trial in Orlando, a 60-year-old man was convicted of groping a woman in a Minnie Mouse costume at Walt Disney World. He was sentenced to 180 days probation minus the one day he spent in the hospital having Mickey Mouse’s large red shoe removed from his colon.

In an interview with Radar magazine, Levi Johnston said that marital problems were a factor in former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation. The chapter on Levi in Sarah’s new book is expected to be titled, “OK, I Can Think Of One Person Who Should Get Euthanized.”

Officials in Cuba say the country's economic crisis is so severe that it’s in danger of running out of toilet paper. Adding to the problem is the fact that, for the first time in 60 years, we have a president who Cubans like too much to use his picture in place of toilet paper.

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