Thursday, August 20, 2009

Doctor Tso’s Chicken

In his new book, former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge says he was pressured to raise the terror alert to help President Bush win re-election in 2004. Bush wanted it raised to red but Dick Cheney kept pushing Ridge to go all the way to black-and-blue.

A Seattle woman is suing magician David Copperfield, alleging he sexually assaulted her while she was a guest on his private island in the Bahamas. She thought he was going to cut her in half with a saw and didn’t like it when he refused to stop trying to karate-chop her with his bare hands.

Paula Abdul tweeted again that she’s not coming back as a judge on “American Idol.” It’s too bad because she’s finally starting to make sense in sentences she could say in under ten seconds.

Céline Dion is expecting her second child and has revealed that it’s from an embryo that had been kept frozen in liquid nitrogen for the past eight years. This is the start of a new chapter in Céline’s life but the end of a popular Vegas show called “Céline Dion’s Embryo On Ice.”

Sting’s daughter, Coc Sumner, says in a new magazine interview that the story of her father’s legendary prowess in bed, including those eight-hour marathon sessions with her mother, are actually a joke started by Bob Geldof. Sting is so upset the truth is out, he told Geldof he should to start planning a new concert called Dead Aid.

Oprah Winfrey will interview Whitney Houston on the 24th season premiere of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Instead of a car, rumor has it Whitney and Oprah will give everyone in the studio audience a free restraining order against Bobby Brown.

Filmmaker Robert Zemeckis is rumored to be in talks to direct a remake of the 1968 animated Beatles movie musical, “Yellow Submarine.” Zemeckis is hoping to get Paul and Ringo to make some of the songs more current, like “When I’m 84,” “All You Need Is Fiber” and “Lucy In the Sky With Diapers.”

A health organization is filing complaints against California porn production companies to promote the use of condoms in porn videos. Porn producers say nobody wants to see movies called “Deep Latex” or “Behind The Green Skin.”

People in Raleigh, North Carolina, are flocking to see what looks like a 30-foot-tall image of Jesus in a kudzu vine growing on a utility pole next to some railroad tracks. This is the first time Jesus has been seen in a weed, although many people consuming weed have seen Jesus.

Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to second-degree attempted criminal possession of the weapon he shot himself in the leg with and was sentenced to two years in prison. That’s one day for each of the excuses he gave for having a gun in his pants.

A new study found that ancient Chinese herbal formulas for heart disease may produce large amounts of nitrous oxide which actually widens arteries. Chinese restaurants are rushing to add the herbs to their menus in a special heart-healthy dish called Doctor Tso’s Chicken.

President Barack Obama will appear in a back-to-school television special next month with singer Kelly Clarkson and basketball star LeBron James. The president plans to explain to kids that schoolyard arguments should not be settled with beer.

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