Thursday, August 13, 2009

Stop! I’m a proctologist!

According to people he’s talked to while writing his memoir, former Vice President Dick Cheney now says he was believes President George W. Bush got wimpy during his second term. Apparently Bush would pass out when Cheney would lift his shirt, pull out his heart and showed him the battery.

British troops seized several tons of raw opium on a farm belonging to the half brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Karzai had been warned to keep an eye on his ne’er-do-well brother by both former president Jimmy Carter and Jeb Bush.

Best Buy management says it will not honor an ad that mistakenly offered a big-screen TV for $9.99. Unless the customer is willing to pay full price for the $1,600 cord.

Washington state police are looking for a so-called witch doctor who offered to “cleanse” her clients’ money of evil and instead ran off with nearly $140,000. The woman used a variety of names, including Senora Monica, Fannie Mae and Bernice Madoff.

Archaeologists digging on the Isle of Mann have uncovered what may be the oldest dwelling in Britain – a 9,000-year-old shelter made of wooden posts and animal skins. They were able to date it using a stone tablet found there describing a book called “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stonehenge.”

Scientists at Brown University say they've discovered that the Candida albicans fungus performs both same-sex and opposite-sex mating activities. That explains why the fungus is common at Brown University frat parties.

Federal officials are considering a maximum-security prison in Standish, Michigan, for housing Guantanamo Bay detainees. The prisoners would be kept in line using solitary confinement, barbed wire and threats to move them to Detroit.

The International Olympic Committee executive board has selected golf and rugby for possible inclusion in the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Baseball and softball were dropped, although they may be allowed back in if they can figure out how to add the word “extreme” to their activities.

Actor Tony Danza is close to starring in a reality show where he’ll teach a 10th-grade English class at a high school in Philadelphia. Based on his acting abilities, let’s hope it’s “English as a second language.”

A doctor in Pensacola, Florida, has been fired for putting a sign in front of his clinic equating donuts with death. It could have been ugly. If he didn’t leave the premises quietly, the local police department was ready to send a SWAT team.

A man in Cape Coral, Florida, was arrested for biting off part of his doctor’s finger after the physician wouldn’t give him a prescription. The man refused to leave even after the doctor yelled, “Stop! I’m a proctologist!”

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