Monday, July 27, 2009

Early Bird Iguana Specials

Vice President Joe Biden is in trouble for an interview where he described Russia as a weakened nation. Sarah Palin said Biden has no idea what he’s talking about. She can see Russia from her porch and people ware doing stuff all the time, not just on the weekend.

The Octomom has signed up her family to star in a reality TV show that will pay each of her 14 children $250 a day for the next three years. The show is expected to be called “Hiding Your Money From Mommy.”

The woman at the center of a sex scandal involving Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi claims he offered her a seat in the European Parliament. Well, it wasn’t exactly a seat … it was more like a lap to sit on.

In a new book, Mary Jo Buttafuoco says she stayed with her husband after she was shot in New York by his mistress, Amy Fisher, because of their children. The got divorced in 2003 and she changed her name to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buttafuuco!”

The author of "The Iguana Cookbook: Save Florida … Eat an Iguana" says Florida residents need to start eating iguanas before the lizards overrun the state. A better way to get Floridians to eat them would be to open a restaurant chain called “Early Bird Iguana Specials.”

Press secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed that White House staffers have been blocked from using Twitter at work, but he doesn’t know why. President Obama has two Twitter accounts, but he doesn’t use them because he can’t even say “Hello” in under 140 characters.

Ashes from the Shiveluch volcano reached 23,000 feet above Petropavlovsk, Russia, recently. They’re so high, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin has switched from waving at Russia to waving to get the ashes out of her eyes.

Researchers monitoring blogs have determined that Election Day 2008 was the happiest day in four years for Americans. They noticed a spike in the use of the word “proud” on that day, which either means Americans were proud to elect Barack Obama or proud that their chads didn’t dangle.

A man named Neil Armstrong has been getting hounded by autograph seekers and reporters ever since he moved to Cincinnati, near where the Neil Armstrong who was the first to walk on the moon lives. Poor guy can’t even jump over a puddle without some clown calling it a giant leap for mankind.

Sarah Palin is trying to get used to being at home now that she’s resigned as Alaska’s governor. Today she had a talk with her daughters about how quitting early is the best method of birth control.

After finishing third in the Tour de France, Lance Armstrong will return next year as a member of the new Radio Shack team. He’s pushing for some of the stages of next year’s race to be held at night because Radio Shack promised an unlimited supply of free batteries for his bike light.

An unnamed witness reports that Michael Jackson’s false nose disappeared while his body was in an L.A. morgue. That could explain why the readings at his memorial service had no nasal passages.

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