Wednesday, July 15, 2009

That’s not a chicken Kiev Bruno has in his pants

Another ethics complaint has been filed against Alaska governor Sarah Pain, bringing the total to 18. She needs just two more punches in her ethics complaints card and she’ll get one free hour of bathroom remodeling from Joe the Plumber.

Republican Senator Tom Coburn sounded like he was channeling Ricky Ricardo when he said to Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor “You'll have a lot of 'splainin' to do.” Republicans accused the Democrats of channeling Lucy and slipping him some Vita-Meata-Vegamin.

Robert Redford married his German girlfriend Sibylle Szaggars at a church in Hamburg. You could tell the Sundance Kid wrote the vows because his answer to the question of whether he would love, honor and obey his new wife was, “The fall will probably kill me.”:

A New Hampshire man using his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars. The man got a call from Visa letting him know it was a mistake and then one from California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asking how he got his limit up so high.

The 2009 Corvair Society of America Convention was held this week in Jacksonville, Florida, to celebrate the car Ralph Nader called “unsafe at any speed.” The high point was the annual burning of Nader in effigy by placing a straw dummy of him behind a Corvair and turning the ignition.

The new “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” movie got a great review in the Vatican's newspaper. Pope Benedict is so excited about seeing it, he blessed a gallon of holy water to wash down his bucket of buttered popcorn.

The Ukrainian Culture and Tourism Ministry banned Sacha Baron Cohen's movie “Bruno” because it felt the film could harm public morals. The Ukrainian commission of experts came to this conclusion after finding out that’s not a chicken Kiev Bruno has in his pants.

A woman witnessing a bank robbery in New York gave a play-by-play account of it on Twitter. If you’re ever in the same situation, police say a better choice is to post messages to your friends on

Microsoft founder Bill Gates and some co-inventors have patents pending on sea-based “tubs” that can possibly reduce the power of hurricanes. The U.S. Patent Office is a little suspicious because Gates says the tubs must be made from iPhones and iMacs.

The Winn-Dixie grocery chain has remodeled and upgraded 51 of its stores in the North Florida and South Georgia area. Now they’re considering making the stores more appealing to people with low self-esteem by changing the name to Winn-Winn-Dixie.

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