Monday, December 28, 2009

Coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs

President Obama has ordered a review of key parts of aviation security. Specifically, the part where you look for the terrorist, the part where you find the terrorist and the part where you arrest the terrorist.

Police and federal agents in Phoenix detained two men for questioning after passengers aboard US Airways Flight 192 from Orlando, Fla., reported the men were acting suspiciously. Apparently they were the only people not complaining about the long wait, the probing questions and the body cavity searches.

According to a new poll, the top political winners of 2009 are Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Sonia Sotomayor. The original survey was a tie between all member of Congress until someone noticed that “winner” was spelled “w-e-i-n-e-r.”

Swedish cellphone users sent more than 76 million text message greetings on Christmas Eve to set a record. The most frequently texted message was “I THNK I SAW TGR WOODS WIFE.”

Amazon.com announced that the Amazon Kindle was the most gifted item in the company's history. Once people try using it, it’s expected to also break the record for the most re-gifted product in history.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano now claims that when she said the security system worked when a man attempted to blow up a plane over Detroit, she meant the bureaucratic system that responded afterward. If this were the Bush administration, she’d be piloting a plane to Detroit’s airport where she’d be met by a “Mission Accomplished” sign.

A never-before published photograph has been found which appears to show John F. Kennedy in the mid-1950s on a boat filled with naked women. The party ended before JFK changed the title of his book to “Profiles in Her-age.”

Native American tribes tired of waiting for the U.S. government to honor centuries-old treaties are buying back land where their ancestors lived. Ironically, because of the real estate crash, the lands are again worth about $24 in beads, blankets and trinkets.

Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. A Nigerian plane flew longer but was disqualified when it began to smoke before landing.

Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. That includes a 10-second connection in Atlanta.

Jasper Schuringa, the Northwest flight passenger who reportedly subdued Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, is refusing to give any more interviews unless he get paid. And he wants double if the interviewer is Barbara Walters and she tries to make him cry.

Bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have already written an episode where he has plastic surgery to look like his favorite movie star, Emilio Esteves.

Florida football coach Urban Meyer now says he’s not retiring due to health reasons but just taking an indefinite leave of absence. He expects the unexplained chest pains to go away as soon as his doctor discovers a way to clone Tim Tebow.

Chinese archaeologists have found what may be the tomb of Cao Cao, a general and ruler from the 3rd century. They got really excited when they found small paper handkerchiefs belonging to the general, because everyone knows that the Chinese go coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs.

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