Thursday, March 25, 2010

This Can’t Last

India’s military is putting the world’s hottest chili in tear gas-style hand grenades to immobilize suspected terrorists. When tossed into a cave with a conventional hand grenade, the end result is “chili con carnage.”

Iceland's parliament has voted to ban striptease shows, making it an offense for any business to profit from the nudity of its employees. The law was prompted by the large number of Icelandic men getting poked in the eye by stripper nipples.

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape threatening to kill any Americans al-Qaida captures if the U.S. executes the self-professed 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed. He may back down when he gets the audio tape of President Obama ordering Jack Bauer to bring him in.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tried to help his re-election chances by criticizing a female member of the opposition party for being too attractive. Even if this tactic works, don’t expect the Republicans to try it with Nancy Pelosi.

The University of Wisconsin-Green Bay has switched the default font on its e-mail system from Arial to the smaller Century Gothic to save money on ink when printing emails. Students think a better idea would be for professors to switch from giving uppercase F’s to lowercase a’s.

Tiger Woods will hold his first press conference in nearly five months on the Monday before the Masters. Prior to the scandal, the Monday before the tournament was the day he walked the course to check out the shape of the greens and the blonde greens keepers.

According to a new study, one out of ten adults in China is diabetic. The Chinese government hopes to stop the epidemic by introducing new dishes like Nutrasweet-and-sour pork and Sweet-and-Low Mein.

Richard Heene, father of the infamous Colorado Balloon Boy, has been released from jail into home detention and must now wear an electronic ankle device until April 4. After that, he’s under a 5-year restraining order to stay away from balloons, blimps and clowns making balloon animals.

A Nigerian man living in San Diego was detained for two days at a Mexican border crossing by authorities who thought his dried soup vegetables were drugs. They finally released him after receiving an email from his uncle, a Nigerian prince, who promised to deposit $100,000 into their bank accounts as soon as they sent him the number.

NASA scientists say the Mars Exploration Rover Opportunity has done over 12.4 miles of total driving since it landed on Mars Jan. 25, 2004. It would have gone twice as far but NASA turned down an offer from Toyota to develop the brakes.

Discovery Communications announced that TLC will broadcast “Sarah Palin's Alaska,” an eight-episode series by the former governor. Most environmentalists who support Discovery are hoping that, in Sarah’s case, TLC stands for This Can’t Last.

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