Sunday, September 5, 2010

Peanut-flavored elephant snot

Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If combining bacteria with wet cement heals cracks, how come there’s so many fractures around Charlie Sheen’s handprints in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater?

Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. He also denied rumors that Demi makes him carry his cameras in a special pocket in the crotch of his pants.

A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. In other words, what you’re born with down under is what you are forever Down Under.

A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Hugh Hefner said if she’d wear six of them, he’d make Betty White a centerfold.

A 51-year-old music executive is suing Sean “P. Diddy” Combs for age discrimination because she was fired after undergoing hip surgery. He’ll be sorry one day when his nickname is “I Wish I Didn’t Have To Get Up So Often To P” Diddy.

A private equity firm made a $4 billion leveraged buyout of Burger King. Burger King is used to dealing with leverage since that’s what it takes to get a lot of its customers out of their chairs.

NASA experts helping Chilean authorities rescue 33 miners trapped underground says they should send the miners nutritional food rather than cigarettes and alcohol. Good idea. When the miners heard their smokes and booze was cut off, they started digging themselves out.

A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” The project is being criticized by John McCain for being wasteful and by the cast of Saturday Night Live for stealing their best material.

The Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building and other New York skyscrapers are turning their lights off at night to keep migrating birds from getting disoriented. Unfortunately, now the building owners are being billed for the cost of cleaning all the bird poop off of the Statue of Liberty.

Researchers in Africa have observed ants crawling up into the trunks of elephants eating leaves off of trees where they live. They’re not sure if the ants are protecting the trees or are just hooked on the taste of peanut-flavored elephant snot.

A psychologist in Indonesia says the 2-year-old boy made famous by an Internet video showing him smoking cigarettes has kicked the habit. Now the kid just sucks his thumb after humping his teddy bear.

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