Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Grim Sander

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress that the economy should pull out of a recession and start growing again later this year. Joe Biden immediately screamed at Bernanke, “Forget about the economy! What about our hair?”

Police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who covered at least three apartments with spray paint and chocolate pudding and then covered himself in chocolate syrup. The pudding and paint were acts of vandalism… the syrup was just because he did it on a Sunday.

An Austrian carpenter made it into the Guinness Book of Records by building 707,335 coffins over a 30-year period. Around the Vienna Home Depot, he’s known as the Grim Sander.

A rural county in China has backed off on a rule urging its officials to smoke a certain amount of local cigarettes to boost tax income. In a related story, President Obama asked Vice President Biden to see if there were any tobacco farms near Washington.

The British government published a list of people barred from entering the country for allegedly fostering extremism or hatred and one of the names on it is American right-wing talk show host Michael Savage. Rush Limbaugh was pretty upset until he found out they decided to release the list one letter at a time starting with names beginning with S.

America’s favorite unwed mother, Bristol Palin, has been appointed as a Teen Ambassador for The Candie's Foundation, a national campaign to help raise awareness for teen pregnancy prevention. Tina Fey’s daughter is only 3 but she’s already begging her mom to let her play Bristol on Saturday Night Live.

Attorneys general from three states are pushing Craigslist to eliminate the "Erotic" category as a choice under "Services." Attorneys general in the other 47 states want to wait until they figure out how to clean out the history files on their browsers.

A new book claims that artist Vincent Van Gogh didn’t cut off his own ear but instead lost it in a fight with fellow painter Paul Gauguin outside of a brothel. Gaugin allegedly gave Van Gogh’s ear to a prostitute, who said, “I told you I wanted an artistic earring!”

The rock singer Pink is denying a story in a British tabloid that she’s bisexual. The tabloid claims it has pictures of her performing in men’s clothes under the name blue.

A New York woman is suing a woman who outed her as a dominatrix because it has ruined her career as a nurse. Luckily, she’s been able to cover her bills catering to guys who like to get tied up and given enemas.

“American Idol” judge Paula Abdul has finally admitted she was addicted to painkillers and went in for treatment last year. Once she quit, she gave her leftovers to Simon and Randy to dull the pain of listening to Kara DioGuardi.

Newly-released letters written by former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein contain complaints about his treatment while in jail. Saddam apparently thought his American captors would treat him like Otis the drunk on his favorite American TV program, “The Andy Griffith Show.”

Miss California Carrie Prejean's reputation as an evangelical role model took a hit when nude photos of her surfaced on the Internet. On the positive side, she’s been offered $500,000 to appear as next month’s centerfold in the new religious men’s magazine, Prayboy.

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