Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hard time finding low-fat dinosaurs

First-season “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch has been moved to a halfway house from the federal prison where he was serving time for failing to pay taxes. Officials at the house had to explain to Hatch that ‘halfway’ doesn’t mean he can walk around with his pants halfway down.

A Christian media watchdog group called The Resistance is planning to have members disrupt screenings of the film "Angels & Demons" by shouting at theater audiences. As opposed to fans of the movie who will be shouting out warnings for Tom Hanks to watch for the priest with the gun.

Ty Inc., the company that makes Beanie Babies, says its version of Bo the White House dog is selling fast. The dolls are tough to find because Republicans are going into toy stores and hiding Bo behind G.I. Joe boxes.

Researchers say a sexually suggestive Venus figurine with oversized breasts and thighs that dates back at least 35,000 years shows that ancient humans were thinking about sex. Either that or it shows that prehistoric women had a hard time finding low-fat dinosaurs.

Universal Pictures has hired Martin Scorsese to direct a film about Frank Sinatra. If it’s a typical Scorsese film, it will probably be called “I Hit Him My Way.”

Robin Williams says he’s recovered from heart surgery and will resume his one-man comedy show starting September 30. In the meantime, he’s checking back into the hospital to get an hour of new material on heart surgery.

Comedian Wanda Sykes and her wife Alex are the proud parents of twins, a son and a daughter born to Alex. The announcement was followed by a call from Rush Limbaugh who said he hopes the babies fail potty training.

A McDonald's in Alabama had to remove Kidz Bop CDs from the store's Happy Meals after some parents complained they could hear an obscenity in a song. Funny, the same parents didn’t see anything obscene in the list of ingredients for the rest of the Happy Meal.

According to a study on death and dying, obituary photographs of women are showing the deceased at a much younger age than when they died. Families that can’t find pictures of the deceased at a younger age are turning to a new service called the Grim Photoshopper.

A suburban Detroit 18-year-old pleaded guilty to lighting a man's pants on fire and causing a third-degree burn to his groin. The judge agreed to dismiss the charge if the teen successfully completes probation and promises not to sell the idea to Steve-O.

Chrysler announced it will eliminate 25 percent of its U.S. dealerships. A spokesperson for the company said he would check with his manger and see if he could knock off another 5 percent from the total.

Pfizer Inc. says it will provide 70 of its most widely prescribed prescription drugs - including Lipitor and Viagra - for free to people who have lost their jobs and health insurance. Unemployed men who have an erection for more than four hours after taking Viagra are instructed to apply for a job as a porn actor.

President Obama gave the commencement address at Arizona State University in spite of not receiving an honorary degree. He didn’t seem too upset, although at one point he accidentally referred to the dean’s mortarboard as a waterboard.

Police in Colorado are looking for a man they’re calling the “Nicotine Ninja” because he’s stolen $120,000 worth of cigarettes while dressed from head to toe in black. If he smokes all of those cigarettes himself, they’ll soon be looking for the Short-of-Breath Samurai.

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