Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Drinking while Amish

In Maine, a 500-pound moose was killed when it apparently leaped a guardrail on a freeway overpass and dropped 18 feet. Upon hearing that a moose fell from the sky to its death rather than waiting to be shot from a helicopter, a distraught Sarah Palin cried, “Oh, the humanity!”

An Ohio judge sentenced former NBA player Corie Blount to a year in prison for drug possession, rejecting Blount’s claim that the 29 pounds of marijuana he had were for personal use. Investigators determined that a photo of Blount, Michael Phelps and a 12-foot-long bong were Photoshopped.

In downtown San Jose, California, an office worker cleaning out a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so foul that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and forced an evacuation of the building. Everyone left except that one creepy guy every office has who checked the lunch bags for anything edible.

Sarah Palin has signed a deal with Harper Collins to publish her memoirs. Pain’s advance was not disclosed, but it’s expected to include a budget for the designer clothes she says she needs to wear to help her remember the campaign.

President and Mrs. Obama actors, poets and writers at the White House for an evening of music, modern poetry and readings from Shakespeare. The only time Shakespeare was ever quoted in the White House during the Bush administration was when the torture memos were uncovered and Dick Cheney told President Bush that the first thing they needed to do was kill all of the lawyers.

Police in Leon, New York, ticketed a 17-year-old Amish youth for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy. He was charged with breaking two seldom-used local laws: buggying while intoxicated and drinking while Amish.

Police responding to a burglar alarm call at the L.A. home of Lindsey Lohan determined that the mess they found was caused not by burglars but by Lohan’s lifestyle. They believe the burglar alarm was tripped by a maid banging her head against the wall.

The online classified ads service Craigslist is dropping its “erotic services” that many say is a front for prostitution. It will be replaced by an “adult” category that will be a front for couples over 18 to hook up and exchange gifts at cheap hotels.

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered General Mills to stop making unauthorized claims about the heart-related benefits of Cheerios. It can still claim that a plastic bag full of Cheerios is Prozac for toddlers.

The man who shot Pope John Paul II says he wants to convert to Christianity in a ceremony at the Vatican when he’s released from prison in January. He’d better think twice. Pope Benedict has Vatican lawyers checking to see if he can replace the baptismal font with a waterboarding tub.

Doctors in the Houston area say the power outage that followed Hurricane Ike last year seems to have caused a miniature baby boom. Instead of spanking the hurricane babies, delivery room doctors get them crying by turning on the Weather Channel.

Researchers in Belgium have determined that, when used properly, vibration plate exercise machines can help people lose weight and reduce belly fat. You can tell you’re using the vibration plate properly if you’re sweating instead of moaning.

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