Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. Whatever he did, he’s lucky those voicemails and emails were completed before he started having so many interceptions.
Sony announced that it has ceased production of cassette Walkmans, which were first introduced in 1979. It will still be available in China where it’s known as the Wokman.
Celine Dion gave birth over the weekend to twin boys, so she now has three sons. She already has the kids enrolled in daycare in 2013, preschool in 2015 and opening for her in Vegas in 2016.
Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” Poor Mel wasted over 100 drinking binges getting into character for the role.
Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva was offered $75,000 for a full nude photo shoot in Playboy. Not to be outdone, Mel has been offered a nude shoot in a magazine for hotheads called Ranthouse.
A librarian from Perth, Australia is in the Guinness Book of World Records for collecting the lint from his belly button every day for 26 years. While he doesn’t collect the lint, the record for years of continuous years of navel-gazing belongs to Rush Limbaugh.
Ian Poulter has angered golf fans by posting a video of himself and his children eating Cheerios out of the Ryder Cup. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “What a Ryder’s Cup?”
In France, eleven people jumped out of a second-floor window after seeing a naked man who they mistakenly thought was the devil. If you’re working on your Halloween costume, apparently the devil now has a beer belly, man boobs and a shrinkage problem.
Cabarrus County in North Carolina is set to begin burning processed human waste at its water-treatment plant as early as next year. They’re just waiting for warning signs to post along the highway that read: “Don’t blame the dog or Grandma in the back seat – it’s us.”
A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. Not surprisingly, it also found that Dutch kids with big fingers gravitate to flood control.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Forget the flowers and send bushes instead
NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous.” He was hoping to get a job on Fox News, but they don’t have a need for anyone who tells the truth.
In Reno, Nevada, a five-year-old Maine Coon cat broke the Guinness world record for the world's longest domestic cat after measuring 48.5 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. This cat is so long, it can ignore both its owners and their next-door neighbors at the same time.
Toyota is recalling 1.53 million Lexus, Avalon and other models for brake fluid and fuel pump problems. Things are so bad, all 2011 Toyotas will come with a free postage-paid box to send them back in.
Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione passed away at the age of 79. In his honor, the family is asking mourners to forget the flowers and send bushes instead.
Republican Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell now says she regrets doing the campaign ad in which she declared “I'm not a witch.” It’s not the ad she regrets – it’s not getting doused with a bucket of water at the end.
Some NFL players say the league’s new crackdown on violent hits will ruin the game. These are the same players who were looking forward to making money after retirement by crushing beer cans on their heads at autograph parties.
A federal appeals court froze a judge's order halting the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy after the Pentagon announced it will accept openly gay soldiers. The policy is now called “don’t ask, don’t tell me I have to change the recruiting sign again.”
A former Secret Service agent reveals in his new book that he nearly accidentally shot President Lyndon Johnson when the president stepped outside for some air. Johnson knew he was wrong to step out without letting anyone know, but that didn’t stop him from picking the agent up by his ears.
The Census Bureau reports that 20 percent of the statisticians in the U.S. work for the federal government. The Tea Party reports that the other 99 percent are pollsters for them.
A fisherman in Wisconsin caught a rare 51-inch albino muskie. According to most seafood chefs, the proper way to serve albino muskie is baked with a Moby dip.
In Reno, Nevada, a five-year-old Maine Coon cat broke the Guinness world record for the world's longest domestic cat after measuring 48.5 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. This cat is so long, it can ignore both its owners and their next-door neighbors at the same time.
Toyota is recalling 1.53 million Lexus, Avalon and other models for brake fluid and fuel pump problems. Things are so bad, all 2011 Toyotas will come with a free postage-paid box to send them back in.
Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione passed away at the age of 79. In his honor, the family is asking mourners to forget the flowers and send bushes instead.
Republican Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell now says she regrets doing the campaign ad in which she declared “I'm not a witch.” It’s not the ad she regrets – it’s not getting doused with a bucket of water at the end.
Some NFL players say the league’s new crackdown on violent hits will ruin the game. These are the same players who were looking forward to making money after retirement by crushing beer cans on their heads at autograph parties.
A federal appeals court froze a judge's order halting the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy after the Pentagon announced it will accept openly gay soldiers. The policy is now called “don’t ask, don’t tell me I have to change the recruiting sign again.”
A former Secret Service agent reveals in his new book that he nearly accidentally shot President Lyndon Johnson when the president stepped outside for some air. Johnson knew he was wrong to step out without letting anyone know, but that didn’t stop him from picking the agent up by his ears.
The Census Bureau reports that 20 percent of the statisticians in the U.S. work for the federal government. The Tea Party reports that the other 99 percent are pollsters for them.
A fisherman in Wisconsin caught a rare 51-inch albino muskie. According to most seafood chefs, the proper way to serve albino muskie is baked with a Moby dip.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A new interpretation of Skull and Bones
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. Even more exciting, this proves that the world’s oldest knock-knock joke is the one that answers the question: “yodel lady who?”
Anita Hill says she won’t apologize to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas despite a mysterious call from his wife, Virginia. However, Mrs. Thomas will get a thank-you note from PepsiCo for reminding Americans of the image of a pubic hair on a Coke can.
President Obama may skip a trip to a prominent Sikh holy site in India because it could reinforce incorrect rumors that he is a Muslim, not a Christian. He’s so paranoid, he even asked Michelle to blow-dry her hair rather than wrapping her head in a towel.
1968 Playboy Playmate of the Year Angela Dorian was charged with attempted murder after she allegedly shot her boyfriend in their Hollywood apartment. Her lawyer blames the boyfriend, saying she finally snapped after he asked her for the 100th time to get staples tattooed on her stomach.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. Being a typical mother-in-law, the first thing she asked is why the woman didn’t cut off the crusts like she likes them.
A fraternity at Yale University is in trouble for forcing pledges to walk around campus chanting obscenities about necrophilia and anal sex. Must be a new interpretation of Skull and Bones.
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
Actress Betty White will be the voice of Mrs. Claus in a new animated Christmas special. The 88-year-old White got the job after promising to stick to the script and not improvise anything about licking Santa’s candy cane.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Creationists say this is concrete proof that 6,000 years ago God created the number 13.1 billion.
A woman in Massachusetts was arrested after trying to deposit a fake $10,000 bill at a bank. The woman didn’t help her cause when she asked for her change in $1000 bills.
Anita Hill says she won’t apologize to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas despite a mysterious call from his wife, Virginia. However, Mrs. Thomas will get a thank-you note from PepsiCo for reminding Americans of the image of a pubic hair on a Coke can.
President Obama may skip a trip to a prominent Sikh holy site in India because it could reinforce incorrect rumors that he is a Muslim, not a Christian. He’s so paranoid, he even asked Michelle to blow-dry her hair rather than wrapping her head in a towel.
1968 Playboy Playmate of the Year Angela Dorian was charged with attempted murder after she allegedly shot her boyfriend in their Hollywood apartment. Her lawyer blames the boyfriend, saying she finally snapped after he asked her for the 100th time to get staples tattooed on her stomach.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. Being a typical mother-in-law, the first thing she asked is why the woman didn’t cut off the crusts like she likes them.
A fraternity at Yale University is in trouble for forcing pledges to walk around campus chanting obscenities about necrophilia and anal sex. Must be a new interpretation of Skull and Bones.
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
Actress Betty White will be the voice of Mrs. Claus in a new animated Christmas special. The 88-year-old White got the job after promising to stick to the script and not improvise anything about licking Santa’s candy cane.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Creationists say this is concrete proof that 6,000 years ago God created the number 13.1 billion.
A woman in Massachusetts was arrested after trying to deposit a fake $10,000 bill at a bank. The woman didn’t help her cause when she asked for her change in $1000 bills.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The largest city ever destroyed by flatulence
A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds wroth almost $8 million. The phone is so exclusive, it will only allow you to text while driving a Rolls.
A pair of Buddhist monks plan to spend two months crawling 500 miles on their knees while visiting 99 temples in China. It’s like a pub crawl except the monks are able to start praying every morning without a hangover.
Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. The odds on this occurring are 50 million to one, or about the same as her husband getting anywhere near her nine months before 11/11/11.
The Vatican's official newspaper has honored Homer Simpson as a television character who exemplifies the true meaning of being Catholic. Based on that, Catholics are now demanding that the communion wafer wine be re[placed by communion donuts and beer.
An unnamed senior NATO official says Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri are believed to be hiding in houses in northwest Pakistan. If that’s the case, we need to call off the military and let GMAC flush them out with foreclosure notices.
Jilloch, a chimpanzee who appeared in a series of television commercials in England for PG Tips tea, has died at the age of 34. An intelligent chimp who drinks Earl Grey is the main reason why the Tea Party hasn’t caught on in England.
President Obama honored winners of student competitions science, technology, engineering and math in a presentation at the White House. The last time student scientists were at the White House was when George W. Bush invited some kids over to show him that trick with Diet Coke and Mentos.
Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason says the band could get back together soon to play concerts for charity. The first charity is People for the Ethical Treatment of Pigs
A Seattle-area woman attending a court-ordered anger management class was charged with assault after she stabbed another student. Since the victim survived, the woman will get an “incomplete” instead of an “F” for the class.
President Obama is scheduled to appear on an episode of "Mythbusters" on the Discovery Channel. Obama will help determine whether the Greek scientist Archimedes set fire to an invading Roman fleet using only mirrors and the reflected rays of the sun and if that same technique be used to destroy a birth certificate.
Residents of Iztapalapa, Mexico, cooked up a 230-foot-long, almost 1½-ton enchilada to set a new world record. A second record was set later in the day when Iztapalapa became the largest city ever destroyed by flatulence.
A pair of Buddhist monks plan to spend two months crawling 500 miles on their knees while visiting 99 temples in China. It’s like a pub crawl except the monks are able to start praying every morning without a hangover.
Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. The odds on this occurring are 50 million to one, or about the same as her husband getting anywhere near her nine months before 11/11/11.
The Vatican's official newspaper has honored Homer Simpson as a television character who exemplifies the true meaning of being Catholic. Based on that, Catholics are now demanding that the communion wafer wine be re[placed by communion donuts and beer.
An unnamed senior NATO official says Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri are believed to be hiding in houses in northwest Pakistan. If that’s the case, we need to call off the military and let GMAC flush them out with foreclosure notices.
Jilloch, a chimpanzee who appeared in a series of television commercials in England for PG Tips tea, has died at the age of 34. An intelligent chimp who drinks Earl Grey is the main reason why the Tea Party hasn’t caught on in England.
President Obama honored winners of student competitions science, technology, engineering and math in a presentation at the White House. The last time student scientists were at the White House was when George W. Bush invited some kids over to show him that trick with Diet Coke and Mentos.
Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason says the band could get back together soon to play concerts for charity. The first charity is People for the Ethical Treatment of Pigs
A Seattle-area woman attending a court-ordered anger management class was charged with assault after she stabbed another student. Since the victim survived, the woman will get an “incomplete” instead of an “F” for the class.
President Obama is scheduled to appear on an episode of "Mythbusters" on the Discovery Channel. Obama will help determine whether the Greek scientist Archimedes set fire to an invading Roman fleet using only mirrors and the reflected rays of the sun and if that same technique be used to destroy a birth certificate.
Residents of Iztapalapa, Mexico, cooked up a 230-foot-long, almost 1½-ton enchilada to set a new world record. A second record was set later in the day when Iztapalapa became the largest city ever destroyed by flatulence.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training
In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” Then she realized she was reading from the hand she uses for Trig’s bedtime stories.
New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino is in trouble for emails he sent with pornographic photos attached. He claims he was hoping to sway the nudist colony vote.
In his upcoming autobiography, Rolling Stone Keith Richards describes Mick Jagger as unbearable but says they still might tour again. Nothing patches up old differences like guitars, groupies and ganja.
The owners of the Boston Red Sox have purchased Liverpool’s soccer club for $476 million. Boy, are they going to be upset when they find out you can’t use a green wall as a goalie.
Paramount Pictures is working on a sequel to the 1986 aviation action flick “Top Gun” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as Maverick. It will be a much smaller role since Sarah Palin and John McCain pretty much took all the fun out of being a maverick.
The man who streaked at an appearance by President Obama in Philadelphia won’t win a $1 million prize because the president didn’t see him. Republicans were quick to criticize Obama, saying this proves he never takes his eyes off of the teleprompter.
Swiss engineers have finished drilling the world’s longest tunnel – a 35.4 mile hole under the Alps. Since part of the drilling was through dirt, the longest hole through solid rock is still Glenn Beck’s ear canal.
A Massachusetts man is facing an assault charge for allegedly hitting a town hall custodian on the back of the head with a roll of toilet paper. The custodian is OK except for an overwhelming urge to run into the woods with a baby bear.
A New Jersey pilot is facing charges for dropping wet toilet paper from his small plane onto an elementary school. None of the kids were hurt, but the preschool teachers say some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training.
Researchers at Oregon Health & Science University say that yoga may benefit people suffering from fibromyalgia, a disease which causes muscle and joint pain, fatigue and sleep disturbance. Unfortunately, yoga can’t help pain in the tongue caused by trying to pronounce “fibromyalgia.”
New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino is in trouble for emails he sent with pornographic photos attached. He claims he was hoping to sway the nudist colony vote.
In his upcoming autobiography, Rolling Stone Keith Richards describes Mick Jagger as unbearable but says they still might tour again. Nothing patches up old differences like guitars, groupies and ganja.
The owners of the Boston Red Sox have purchased Liverpool’s soccer club for $476 million. Boy, are they going to be upset when they find out you can’t use a green wall as a goalie.
Paramount Pictures is working on a sequel to the 1986 aviation action flick “Top Gun” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as Maverick. It will be a much smaller role since Sarah Palin and John McCain pretty much took all the fun out of being a maverick.
The man who streaked at an appearance by President Obama in Philadelphia won’t win a $1 million prize because the president didn’t see him. Republicans were quick to criticize Obama, saying this proves he never takes his eyes off of the teleprompter.
Swiss engineers have finished drilling the world’s longest tunnel – a 35.4 mile hole under the Alps. Since part of the drilling was through dirt, the longest hole through solid rock is still Glenn Beck’s ear canal.
A Massachusetts man is facing an assault charge for allegedly hitting a town hall custodian on the back of the head with a roll of toilet paper. The custodian is OK except for an overwhelming urge to run into the woods with a baby bear.
A New Jersey pilot is facing charges for dropping wet toilet paper from his small plane onto an elementary school. None of the kids were hurt, but the preschool teachers say some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training.
Researchers at Oregon Health & Science University say that yoga may benefit people suffering from fibromyalgia, a disease which causes muscle and joint pain, fatigue and sleep disturbance. Unfortunately, yoga can’t help pain in the tongue caused by trying to pronounce “fibromyalgia.”
Turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads
In an recent interview, Harry Whittington – the lawyer shot in the face by Dick Cheney on a hunting trip – said his injuries were worse than reported and Cheney has never apologized. Cheney claims he tried to apologize once but the little devil on his left shoulder shot the little angel on his right shoulder.
In the latest Delaware Senate debate, Republican Christine O'Donnell could not name a single recent Supreme Court decision she disagreed with. However, she had no trouble naming three spells that turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. They all turned down a trip to Disneyland because they’re terrified of the It’s A Small World ride.
Spike TV is said to be working on a mining reality series from the producers of “Deadliest Catch.” I think they should combine it with another reality series and throw the cast of “Jersey Shore” down a hole.
When a 24.6-inch-tall Nepalese teenager turned 18 this week, he was officially declared the world's shortest man by Guinness record officials. He’s so small, his high school class voted him “Most likely to not mind getting stuffed in a locker.”
Rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena is an Elvis Presley fan, so he was thrilled to receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Memphis and a special tour of Graceland. When he was first trapped he was a fan of the fat Elvis, but now he prefers the thin one.
First lady Michelle Obama says she's bringing the arts to the White House to “lift young people up.” Republicans immediately condemned this lifting-up program as a sign the Obama administration hates the elevator industry.
Wal-Mart Stores announced a new program to buy more locally-grown produce. The program starts as soon as they find people who can grow Slim Jims.
In the latest Delaware Senate debate, Republican Christine O'Donnell could not name a single recent Supreme Court decision she disagreed with. However, she had no trouble naming three spells that turn smarty-pants debate moderators into toads.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. They all turned down a trip to Disneyland because they’re terrified of the It’s A Small World ride.
Spike TV is said to be working on a mining reality series from the producers of “Deadliest Catch.” I think they should combine it with another reality series and throw the cast of “Jersey Shore” down a hole.
When a 24.6-inch-tall Nepalese teenager turned 18 this week, he was officially declared the world's shortest man by Guinness record officials. He’s so small, his high school class voted him “Most likely to not mind getting stuffed in a locker.”
Rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena is an Elvis Presley fan, so he was thrilled to receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Memphis and a special tour of Graceland. When he was first trapped he was a fan of the fat Elvis, but now he prefers the thin one.
First lady Michelle Obama says she's bringing the arts to the White House to “lift young people up.” Republicans immediately condemned this lifting-up program as a sign the Obama administration hates the elevator industry.
Wal-Mart Stores announced a new program to buy more locally-grown produce. The program starts as soon as they find people who can grow Slim Jims.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tiger Woodless
New York’s anti-gay Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino once collected rent from two gay clubs located in buildings he owned in downtown Buffalo. Apparently when it comes to money, Paladino has no aversion to three-dollar bills.
Good news for the rescued Chilean miners. To accommodate all of them, Dancing with the Stars is expanding to 33 contestants.
According to Ancestry.com, President Barack Obama and Sarah Palin are 10th cousins through an ancestor named John Smith. This is a tough one for Tea Partiers. It either means that Obama is an American citizen or Sarah Palin is black.
For the second time since August, an intruder tried to get into the L.A. home of Paris Hilton. Paris was upset until she found out her name hasn’t been in the news since August.
While in Kosovo, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton rode on Bill Clinton Boulevard and posed for pictures in front of an 11-foot gold statue of her husband. Then she made an emergency trip to the Bill Clinton Dental Clinic to have her jaw unclenched.
One member of the two-man team that won a California college fishing championship fished for 10 hours with a fishhook accidentally embedded in his head. Not only did he win a $50,000 prize for his school, he started a new college fashion trend.
One day after separating from David Arquette, Courteney Cox was offered $1 million to become spokeswoman for CougarLife.com, a dating site for older women seeking younger men. In a related story, David Arquette was offered a job as spokesperson for dateanidiot.com.
First lady Michelle Obama is on the campaign trail for the first time since her husband’s 2008 presidential campaign. She’s so popular with Americans, her Secret Service code name is Betty White.
A Chinese man traveling to Expo 2010 Shanghai says he sailed 932 miles on a raft made of plastic bottles. That makes it the first boat in Chinese history that can legally be called a junk.
A transgender woman is suing the LPGA over a requirement which states all competitors must be “female at birth.” She’s hoping to compete under her new name: Tiger Woodless.
Good news for the rescued Chilean miners. To accommodate all of them, Dancing with the Stars is expanding to 33 contestants.
According to Ancestry.com, President Barack Obama and Sarah Palin are 10th cousins through an ancestor named John Smith. This is a tough one for Tea Partiers. It either means that Obama is an American citizen or Sarah Palin is black.
For the second time since August, an intruder tried to get into the L.A. home of Paris Hilton. Paris was upset until she found out her name hasn’t been in the news since August.
While in Kosovo, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton rode on Bill Clinton Boulevard and posed for pictures in front of an 11-foot gold statue of her husband. Then she made an emergency trip to the Bill Clinton Dental Clinic to have her jaw unclenched.
One member of the two-man team that won a California college fishing championship fished for 10 hours with a fishhook accidentally embedded in his head. Not only did he win a $50,000 prize for his school, he started a new college fashion trend.
One day after separating from David Arquette, Courteney Cox was offered $1 million to become spokeswoman for CougarLife.com, a dating site for older women seeking younger men. In a related story, David Arquette was offered a job as spokesperson for dateanidiot.com.
First lady Michelle Obama is on the campaign trail for the first time since her husband’s 2008 presidential campaign. She’s so popular with Americans, her Secret Service code name is Betty White.
A Chinese man traveling to Expo 2010 Shanghai says he sailed 932 miles on a raft made of plastic bottles. That makes it the first boat in Chinese history that can legally be called a junk.
A transgender woman is suing the LPGA over a requirement which states all competitors must be “female at birth.” She’s hoping to compete under her new name: Tiger Woodless.
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