A Pennsylvania woman who claims she was groped by Donald Duck while visiting Walt Disney World says the incident caused her to have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, headaches, nausea, cold sweats, insomnia and digestive problems. Not to mention head injuries from jumping up instead of bending down when someone yell’s “Duck!”
A New Zealand man with a photographic memory won the 2010 National Scrabble Championship in Dallas. He’s so obsessed with Scrabble, it takes him hours to eat a bowl of alphabet soup.
Guinness World Records officials say a group of 10,267 people in China broke a 10-year-old record for the world's longest chain of human dominoes. They were waiting in line to buy iPads when the person at the front accidentally pulled instead of pushed the door.
India wants to ban BlackBerries, Google and Skype because it believes they’re threats to security. It also doesn’t want people around the world to find out they can solve their own technical problems by using Blackberries, Google and Skype.
Mike Pompeo, a Republican congressional candidate and RNC committee member, apologized for a tweet that called his opponent a "turban topper" who "could be a muslim, a hindu, a buddhist etc who knows." He had no proof that his opponent was an “etc.”
The annual Testicle Cooking World Championship is being held in Ozrem, Serbia. In honor of the main ingredients, all dishes cooked at the festival are served in a sack.
Unbeknownst to their parents, three Florida children bought tickets with baby-sitting money and flew to Nashville, Tenn., on Southwest Airlines. The kids were really disappointed when they spent all that money and not a single flight attendant went postal.
President Barack Obama signed a $600 million border security bill to hire 1,500 new Border patrol agents and other security officers. That’s $400,000 per agent, so apparently they’ll be armed with nuclear rifles.
New Jersey’s 86-year-old Senator Frank Lautenberg is planning to hold a fundraiser at the Lady Gaga concert. The Democrat hasn’t seen a young woman sing while swinging from the ceiling since his Republican colleagues stopped inviting him to their poker parties.
Doctors in Boston discovered that a spot on a 75-year-old man’s chest X-ray turned out to be a pea sprouting in his lung. Luckily, it was removed by the resident pea-diatrician.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Cath-22
Italian police were called to a public beach south of Rome after a mother complained that the way a topless sunbather applied her suntan lotion was "troubling" her teenage sons. My guess is that they were troubled because her hands were blocking their view.
Paris Hilton is being sued for $35 million for allegedly wearing hair extensions from someone other than the company that paid her $3.5 million to promote theirs. Paris offered to give back all of the free extensions she got because it looks like company executives have pulled out all of their hair.
General Motors announced it made $1.33 billion in the second quarter. Unfortunately, it all came from one plant that had been converted from Hummers to counterfeit hundreds.
Police in Maryland arrested a man who allegedly squirted semen from a bottle onto as many as five female shoppers at a grocery store. Another reason to avoid grocery store clerks offering free mayonnaise samples.
A restaurant chef in Iowa was fined $335 after health inspectors saw a video of him kissing and licking toads in the kitchen. The chef also fired the employee who told him if he kissed the right toad, it would turn into Rachael Ray.
North Korea has offered to use ginseng to repay nearly $10 million in Cold War-era debt to the Czech republic. Czech leaders weren’t interested until they found out ginseng can be made into beer.
The Roman Catholic Diocese of Madison, Wisconsin, now offers birth control coverage to employees, but employees could be fired if they use it. This is known as a Cath-22.
A suburban Pittsburgh man who dresses as a dog for conventions and parties has petitioned to change his legal name to Boomer the Dog. His wife was all for it until she found out local laws would require her to carry a scooper at all times.
In Minnesota, four police cars were needed to chase down and arrest the driver of a homemade go-cart who was on the road illegally. Even though he was only going 20 miles an hour in the little car, he didn’t have his fez on.
Police in Idaho seized about 100 marijuana plants from a corn field at a residential farm. They were tipped off by a green giant who was acting more giggly than jolly.
Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle, says President Obama is “the worst president in history.” Like father, like son. He spelled “wurst” with a U so he’s actually calling Obama our country’s finest sausage lover.
Paris Hilton is being sued for $35 million for allegedly wearing hair extensions from someone other than the company that paid her $3.5 million to promote theirs. Paris offered to give back all of the free extensions she got because it looks like company executives have pulled out all of their hair.
General Motors announced it made $1.33 billion in the second quarter. Unfortunately, it all came from one plant that had been converted from Hummers to counterfeit hundreds.
Police in Maryland arrested a man who allegedly squirted semen from a bottle onto as many as five female shoppers at a grocery store. Another reason to avoid grocery store clerks offering free mayonnaise samples.
A restaurant chef in Iowa was fined $335 after health inspectors saw a video of him kissing and licking toads in the kitchen. The chef also fired the employee who told him if he kissed the right toad, it would turn into Rachael Ray.
North Korea has offered to use ginseng to repay nearly $10 million in Cold War-era debt to the Czech republic. Czech leaders weren’t interested until they found out ginseng can be made into beer.
The Roman Catholic Diocese of Madison, Wisconsin, now offers birth control coverage to employees, but employees could be fired if they use it. This is known as a Cath-22.
A suburban Pittsburgh man who dresses as a dog for conventions and parties has petitioned to change his legal name to Boomer the Dog. His wife was all for it until she found out local laws would require her to carry a scooper at all times.
In Minnesota, four police cars were needed to chase down and arrest the driver of a homemade go-cart who was on the road illegally. Even though he was only going 20 miles an hour in the little car, he didn’t have his fez on.
Police in Idaho seized about 100 marijuana plants from a corn field at a residential farm. They were tipped off by a green giant who was acting more giggly than jolly.
Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle, says President Obama is “the worst president in history.” Like father, like son. He spelled “wurst” with a U so he’s actually calling Obama our country’s finest sausage lover.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Unemployediacs
A group of European scientists has developed the world’s first emotional robot that has the emotional skills of a one-year-old child. So far, the only market for a robot that acts like a one-year-old is as a birth control device.
The UK Automobile Association reports that over 17 accidents per day in the UK are caused by “iPod Oblivion,” where drivers are distracted by what’s playing on their iPods. The most common accident occurs when a song about an American car is playing and they automatically drift over to the right side of the road.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital following surgery last month to install a battery-operated pump in his heart. For the first time in his life, Cheney is more worried about D cells than sleeper cells.
In China, a man who had the world's biggest man boobs finally had an operation to remove the football-sized breasts. Although he was happy to be rid of the breasts, he was disappointed to suddenly discover that he has big feet.
Steven Slater, the flight attendant who lost after a passenger refused to sit down and then exited the plane via the emergency inflatable slide, is getting support from other people who have been victims of rude customers. One of his first calls was from President Obama who asked him to sit next to Joe Wilson at the next State of the Union address.
Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, and the campaign and election will be turned into a reality show. Then he’ll speak at a quantum physics conference on how he managed to turn 15 minutes into 3 years.
A&E is set to broadcast a reality series that will follow actor Tony Danza as he teaches a 10th-grade English class in Philadelphia. Then it will follow 11th-grade students as they try to convince job interviewers that English really is their first language.
Michigan's gubernatorial nominees from both parties said they will both push to change the nickname of state residents from "Michiganian" to "Michigander." Both are preferred over the other popular nickname: “Unemployediacs.”
A man in England lost his drivers license for three years because of a speeding violation even though he claimed he couldn’t read the speedometer because he’s dyslexic. It would have been more believable if hadn’t been doing 55.
A new study found that American girls are beginning puberty at as early as age 7. It’s so bad, pediatricians report that some younger girls are blaming the Terrible Twos on PMS.
The UK Automobile Association reports that over 17 accidents per day in the UK are caused by “iPod Oblivion,” where drivers are distracted by what’s playing on their iPods. The most common accident occurs when a song about an American car is playing and they automatically drift over to the right side of the road.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital following surgery last month to install a battery-operated pump in his heart. For the first time in his life, Cheney is more worried about D cells than sleeper cells.
In China, a man who had the world's biggest man boobs finally had an operation to remove the football-sized breasts. Although he was happy to be rid of the breasts, he was disappointed to suddenly discover that he has big feet.
Steven Slater, the flight attendant who lost after a passenger refused to sit down and then exited the plane via the emergency inflatable slide, is getting support from other people who have been victims of rude customers. One of his first calls was from President Obama who asked him to sit next to Joe Wilson at the next State of the Union address.
Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, and the campaign and election will be turned into a reality show. Then he’ll speak at a quantum physics conference on how he managed to turn 15 minutes into 3 years.
A&E is set to broadcast a reality series that will follow actor Tony Danza as he teaches a 10th-grade English class in Philadelphia. Then it will follow 11th-grade students as they try to convince job interviewers that English really is their first language.
Michigan's gubernatorial nominees from both parties said they will both push to change the nickname of state residents from "Michiganian" to "Michigander." Both are preferred over the other popular nickname: “Unemployediacs.”
A man in England lost his drivers license for three years because of a speeding violation even though he claimed he couldn’t read the speedometer because he’s dyslexic. It would have been more believable if hadn’t been doing 55.
A new study found that American girls are beginning puberty at as early as age 7. It’s so bad, pediatricians report that some younger girls are blaming the Terrible Twos on PMS.
Monday, August 9, 2010
She was spotted at a pond kissing frogs
At the Adventure Island amusement park in England, 102 people rode the Green Scream rollercoaster naked to break the world record. A number of the women lined up for a second ride when they found out what happens when G-force meets G-spot.
Turkish Airlines has grounded 28 flight attendants for being overweight and given them six months to lose some pounds. Wouldn’t it be faster to let them stay on the job and eat nothing but airline meals?
A Michigan restaurant owner says he’s offering a world record 185.8-pound burger for $499 out of patriotism because the previous record was held by a restaurant in Thailand. Nothing says “USA!” like “CPR!”
A vendor at Toronto's 16th annual Festival of Beer was selling a hemp beer called Millennium Beer Buzz. They also sold Depends for drinkers too stoned to get up and go to the rest rooms.
The New Orleans Saints visited President Obama at the White House to mark their Super Bowl XLIV victory. In honor of both last season and this season, the New Orleans players gave him a game ball and a tar ball.
A woman in North Carolina filed a lawsuit accusing “American Idol” Fantasia of breaking up a marriage and making a sex tape with the husband. The woman didn’t say what was on the tape but rumor has it Fantasia was singing “Hummertime … and the living is easy.”
A former model on the "Price is Right" filed a lawsuit accusing host Bob Barker of running her out of a job after she became pregnant. She should have known that Barker was serious when he lectured her about spaying and neutering.
A financial adviser told Britain's royal family that Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson may have to file for bankruptcy because she’s $7.9 million in debt. Ferguson is so desperate, she was spotted at a pond kissing frogs.
Rod Stewart announced he’s becoming a father again for the seventh time at age 65. Rod’s biggest mistake was when Maggie May convinced he needed to start dating much younger women instead of much older women.
A group of Hong Kong filmmakers have started shooting what they claim will be the world's first 3D pornographic film, titled “3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy.” It’s not really Zen because, in porn, everyone knows the sound of one hand clapping.
Turkish Airlines has grounded 28 flight attendants for being overweight and given them six months to lose some pounds. Wouldn’t it be faster to let them stay on the job and eat nothing but airline meals?
A Michigan restaurant owner says he’s offering a world record 185.8-pound burger for $499 out of patriotism because the previous record was held by a restaurant in Thailand. Nothing says “USA!” like “CPR!”
A vendor at Toronto's 16th annual Festival of Beer was selling a hemp beer called Millennium Beer Buzz. They also sold Depends for drinkers too stoned to get up and go to the rest rooms.
The New Orleans Saints visited President Obama at the White House to mark their Super Bowl XLIV victory. In honor of both last season and this season, the New Orleans players gave him a game ball and a tar ball.
A woman in North Carolina filed a lawsuit accusing “American Idol” Fantasia of breaking up a marriage and making a sex tape with the husband. The woman didn’t say what was on the tape but rumor has it Fantasia was singing “Hummertime … and the living is easy.”
A former model on the "Price is Right" filed a lawsuit accusing host Bob Barker of running her out of a job after she became pregnant. She should have known that Barker was serious when he lectured her about spaying and neutering.
A financial adviser told Britain's royal family that Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson may have to file for bankruptcy because she’s $7.9 million in debt. Ferguson is so desperate, she was spotted at a pond kissing frogs.
Rod Stewart announced he’s becoming a father again for the seventh time at age 65. Rod’s biggest mistake was when Maggie May convinced he needed to start dating much younger women instead of much older women.
A group of Hong Kong filmmakers have started shooting what they claim will be the world's first 3D pornographic film, titled “3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy.” It’s not really Zen because, in porn, everyone knows the sound of one hand clapping.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo
Elena Kagan is relieved to finally become a Supreme Court justice. Today someone asked her what she thought of the weather and, for the first time in months, she was allowed to have an opinion.
A restaurant in China recruited a new chef by inviting applicants to slice a melon on a woman's stomach. They got the idea from a chef who worked in the Clinton White House.
The staff at an aquarium in England had to put a bikini on an underwater statue of a mermaid because male visitors were spending too much time in front of the window. Now they’re spending too much time at the next window trying to get the octopus to pull it off.
A Turkish man living in New Zealand tried to convince police that he wasn’t beating his wife but was actually performing a traditional dance that involved hitting, kicking and strangling. The wife is waiting for him to get out of jail so she can show him a new dance her feminist friends taught her called the Bristol Stomp.
Senator Al Franken apologized to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell for allegedly making faces while McConnell was speaking on the Senate floor. McConnell was upset because Franken stole the idea from the Republicans’ plan for Obama’s next State of the Union address.
Rosie O'Donnell will host a new daytime talk show on OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. It will be similar to Rosie’s old daytime talk show but without all of those annoying viewers.
According to British Ministry of Defense documents, British fighter jets were scrambled more than 200 times each year during the Cold War to investigate UFO reports. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the UFOs the British were chasing away were actually Martian dentists on a mission of mercy?
In Pennsylvania, the operator of a Catholic church carnival that featured an image of President Barack Obama as the target of a shooting game issued an apology. That apparently wasn’t enough since the church announced he’s being transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo.
BP COO Doug Settles says the company might someday drill again into the same pocket of oil that spilled millions of gallons into the Gulf of Mexico. An excited Sarah Palin called him up to say, “Drill, maybe, drill!”
Police in Florida are investigating a report of someone putting condoms in the gas tank of a woman's car. As expected, the condoms caused the car to run rough but the woman didn’t feel anything.
A restaurant in China recruited a new chef by inviting applicants to slice a melon on a woman's stomach. They got the idea from a chef who worked in the Clinton White House.
The staff at an aquarium in England had to put a bikini on an underwater statue of a mermaid because male visitors were spending too much time in front of the window. Now they’re spending too much time at the next window trying to get the octopus to pull it off.
A Turkish man living in New Zealand tried to convince police that he wasn’t beating his wife but was actually performing a traditional dance that involved hitting, kicking and strangling. The wife is waiting for him to get out of jail so she can show him a new dance her feminist friends taught her called the Bristol Stomp.
Senator Al Franken apologized to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell for allegedly making faces while McConnell was speaking on the Senate floor. McConnell was upset because Franken stole the idea from the Republicans’ plan for Obama’s next State of the Union address.
Rosie O'Donnell will host a new daytime talk show on OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. It will be similar to Rosie’s old daytime talk show but without all of those annoying viewers.
According to British Ministry of Defense documents, British fighter jets were scrambled more than 200 times each year during the Cold War to investigate UFO reports. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the UFOs the British were chasing away were actually Martian dentists on a mission of mercy?
In Pennsylvania, the operator of a Catholic church carnival that featured an image of President Barack Obama as the target of a shooting game issued an apology. That apparently wasn’t enough since the church announced he’s being transferred to Our Lady of Guantanamo.
BP COO Doug Settles says the company might someday drill again into the same pocket of oil that spilled millions of gallons into the Gulf of Mexico. An excited Sarah Palin called him up to say, “Drill, maybe, drill!”
Police in Florida are investigating a report of someone putting condoms in the gas tank of a woman's car. As expected, the condoms caused the car to run rough but the woman didn’t feel anything.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Lamb Hops
The U.S. Marshals Service admitted it has saved 35,000 TSA airport body scan images that make passengers appear nude. What’s really interesting is that you can put the photos in a certain order and flip through them and it looks exactly like a porn video starring Laurence Fishburne’s daughter.
A farmer in China has a two-month-old lamb born with only two legs that can stand up and get around the farm. What do you call a baby sheep with only two legs? Lamb Hops.
Aerosmith's Joe Perry is upset that he found out about Steven Tyler possibly becoming an "American Idol" judge on the Internet like everybody else. It’s not like the old days when Tyler the bandmates gave each other news by writing it in vomit on the bathroom floor.
A Michigan man whose dog chewed off his big toe while he was passed out drunk says the pooch saved his life because doctors in the ER discovered he was diabetic. To show his appreciation, he plans to get the dog drunk and use the same technique to neuter him.
Robert Van Winkle, better known as the rapper Vanilla Ice, will star in a new home-improvement series called “The Vanilla Ice Project.” It’s an appropriate name because his rap career tanked in the 90s and now he’s living in the projects.
Irish-born actor Liam Neeson says he’s too old to play President Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg's upcoming film on Lincoln. Tom Cruise wants to replace him, but only if he can wear stilts and call the movie “Top Hat.”
BP claimed the “static kill” technique used on its blown-out well in the Gulf has plugged the leak. That’s good news for BP and better news for a fabric softener company that was planning to name its new product “Static Kill.”
Iran's official news agency says an explosion near President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's convoy was just an excited fan setting off fireworks, not an assassination attempt. It also reported that the stain on Ahmadinejad's pants was lemonade.
Two California women were charged with misdemeanors for a fight that turned into a brawl at a kindergarten graduation ceremony. It all started when the moms disagreed on which of their kids should be named nap-edictorian.
A Pennsylvania woman is in trouble for illegally accepting workers' compensation payments while working as a stripper. She thought it was OK because she only allowed guys to fill her g-string with food stamps.
A farmer in China has a two-month-old lamb born with only two legs that can stand up and get around the farm. What do you call a baby sheep with only two legs? Lamb Hops.
Aerosmith's Joe Perry is upset that he found out about Steven Tyler possibly becoming an "American Idol" judge on the Internet like everybody else. It’s not like the old days when Tyler the bandmates gave each other news by writing it in vomit on the bathroom floor.
A Michigan man whose dog chewed off his big toe while he was passed out drunk says the pooch saved his life because doctors in the ER discovered he was diabetic. To show his appreciation, he plans to get the dog drunk and use the same technique to neuter him.
Robert Van Winkle, better known as the rapper Vanilla Ice, will star in a new home-improvement series called “The Vanilla Ice Project.” It’s an appropriate name because his rap career tanked in the 90s and now he’s living in the projects.
Irish-born actor Liam Neeson says he’s too old to play President Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg's upcoming film on Lincoln. Tom Cruise wants to replace him, but only if he can wear stilts and call the movie “Top Hat.”
BP claimed the “static kill” technique used on its blown-out well in the Gulf has plugged the leak. That’s good news for BP and better news for a fabric softener company that was planning to name its new product “Static Kill.”
Iran's official news agency says an explosion near President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's convoy was just an excited fan setting off fireworks, not an assassination attempt. It also reported that the stain on Ahmadinejad's pants was lemonade.
Two California women were charged with misdemeanors for a fight that turned into a brawl at a kindergarten graduation ceremony. It all started when the moms disagreed on which of their kids should be named nap-edictorian.
A Pennsylvania woman is in trouble for illegally accepting workers' compensation payments while working as a stripper. She thought it was OK because she only allowed guys to fill her g-string with food stamps.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
I told you I felt flushed
Morrie Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles, passed away at the age of 90. His last words were: “All right! St. Peter has orange fingers!”
A woman in Taiwan set a world record for killing mosquitoes by swatting four million in one month. That makes her the only woman with more bloody imprints on her hand than Sarah Palin.
HarperCollins will publish the official illustrated memoir of 16-year-old singer Justin Bieber. Publishing industry experts say it could have the largest first-printing ever for a pamphlet.
Police in New Jersey were looking for a young black bear seen wandering along a stream near the Knickerbocker Country Club golf course. They warned duffers that the bear was a golf fan and was looking to put a hole in one.
Canada's Royal College of Dentistry has hired an investigator to check reports of illegal dental clinics being run from basements and bedrooms. You know you’re in an illegal clinic when you ask for a painkiller and the dentist offers your choice of a bullet, a shot of whiskey or a left hook to the chin.
The actor who played the Ty-D-Bol man in commercials has passed away. Per his request, his tombstone will read, “I told you I felt flushed.”
Charlie Sheen pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 3 months probation and 36 hours of domestic violence counseling. Or as Mel Gibson calls it, summer vacation.
LeBron James showed appreciation to his hometown fans with a full-page newspaper ad in the Akron Beacon Journal. Akron is the rubber capitol, which seems appropriate since fans in Cleveland now consider LeBron to be something often covered with a rubber.
"Glee" co-creator Ryan Murphy says Paul McCartney is a fan of the show and wants his music to be featured in an episode. McCartney won’t appear on the show because the evil bossy cheerleader coach reminds him too much of Heather Mill’s
Brett Favre has informed the Vikings he will not return to Minnesota for a second season. Apparently the team officials refused to honor his request to have the bench equipped with handrails.
Nevada Republican Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite Sharron Angle says she thinks the media should “ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.” This woman should apologize to softballs for giving them a bad name.
A woman in Taiwan set a world record for killing mosquitoes by swatting four million in one month. That makes her the only woman with more bloody imprints on her hand than Sarah Palin.
HarperCollins will publish the official illustrated memoir of 16-year-old singer Justin Bieber. Publishing industry experts say it could have the largest first-printing ever for a pamphlet.
Police in New Jersey were looking for a young black bear seen wandering along a stream near the Knickerbocker Country Club golf course. They warned duffers that the bear was a golf fan and was looking to put a hole in one.
Canada's Royal College of Dentistry has hired an investigator to check reports of illegal dental clinics being run from basements and bedrooms. You know you’re in an illegal clinic when you ask for a painkiller and the dentist offers your choice of a bullet, a shot of whiskey or a left hook to the chin.
The actor who played the Ty-D-Bol man in commercials has passed away. Per his request, his tombstone will read, “I told you I felt flushed.”
Charlie Sheen pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 3 months probation and 36 hours of domestic violence counseling. Or as Mel Gibson calls it, summer vacation.
LeBron James showed appreciation to his hometown fans with a full-page newspaper ad in the Akron Beacon Journal. Akron is the rubber capitol, which seems appropriate since fans in Cleveland now consider LeBron to be something often covered with a rubber.
"Glee" co-creator Ryan Murphy says Paul McCartney is a fan of the show and wants his music to be featured in an episode. McCartney won’t appear on the show because the evil bossy cheerleader coach reminds him too much of Heather Mill’s
Brett Favre has informed the Vikings he will not return to Minnesota for a second season. Apparently the team officials refused to honor his request to have the bench equipped with handrails.
Nevada Republican Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite Sharron Angle says she thinks the media should “ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported.” This woman should apologize to softballs for giving them a bad name.
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