The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. I don’t mind them breaking records, but I’d rather see them go for eating the most poisonous snakes or pounding the most nails in their skulls.
Apple has been granted a trademark for the phrase, “There's an app for that.” Not to be outdone, Microsoft is working to trademark the phrase, “The app is always greener on the other side of the fence.”
In a recent speech, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul brought up Bill Clinton’s indiscretions with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. This was good news for Monica Lewinsky’s publicist, who hasn’t had any luck getting her on “Dancing With The Stars.”
A prison website claims to have a black-and-white full frontal nude photo of the late great Yankee centerfielder, Mickey Mantle. It’s hard to tell for sure If it’s Mantle because he’s being crowded out of the picture by Brett Farve.
An Egyptian court granted a woman a divorce because her husband refused to bathe, claiming he was allergic to water. Lindsey Lohan is planning to use the same defense to explain why she started drinking again.
A Wisconsin man has grown a 1,810.5 pound pumpkin, breaking the world record. It so big, he plans to carve it into a Kirstie-o-lantern.
The 24-year-old man who streaked at President Barack Obama's rally in Philadelphia said he did it in an attempt to win $1 million offered by a British billionaire. President Obama didn’t see the streaker, but it gave him an idea of what to get Barney Frank for his birthday.
Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. The Cherokee phrase texted most often so far is CUST R LOL.
Some Chinese scientists plan to search the mountainous areas of central China for the legendary Chinese version of Bigfoot known as “Yeren” We’ll know if they’re successful when we see the next Chinese national basketball team.
Republican strategist Karl Rove is denying reports that his party gets campaign donations from foreign sources. Looks like he’s still using the world map that he used to teach George W. Bush about geography.
Wal-Mart announced it will start selling Apple's iPad tablet computer in most of its stores in time for Christmas. It’s a special Wal-Mart version of the iPad that doubles as a cutting board and bug swatter.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Oprah calls her Oprah
The word is out that the “I like it on the …” messages on Facebook are about where women like to leave their purses. Millions of embarrassed naked men are now climbing off the top of the dresser.
Charlie the Smoking Chimp, a mainstay at a South African Zoo, has died at age 52, living ten years longer than the average chimp. Zoo veterinarians attributed Charlie’s long life to staying fit by throwing feces at people who wouldn’t let him bum cigarettes.
The company whose toxic red sludge that burst out of a Hungarian factory's reservoir and flowed to the Danube River claims it’s not harmful. Who knew that BP also stands for Budapest Putridity?
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Health reports that a surprising jump in the number of Americans hobbled by arthritis may be due to obesity. This explains the new Extra Light Excedrin.
A Michigan State football fan delayed having a pacemaker installed so he could watch the Spartans play the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday. He’s hoping he doesn’t become a diehard fan.
A judge in San Antonio ruled that nude dancing in gentlemen's clubs in that city is illegal. Even if the dancers yell out “Remember the Ala-ho!”
A Pennsylvania man who hid four ounces of marijuana in the Elmo backpack his son took to school was sentenced to six to 23 months in jail. The boy’s teacher turned the dad in when the kid referred to the character on his backpack as Don’t Bogart Me Elmo.
Former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon, the Republican nominee for U.S. Senate in Connecticut, says she misspoke when she suggested lowering the minimum wage. She meant to say, “Can you smell what the cold heartless candidate is cooking?”
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and sired more than 160 children died at age 94. Newspaper carriers are being advised to lift with their knees when they deliver copies of the edition with his obituary.
Michelle Obama is number one on Forbes magazine’s list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the world. She’s so powerful, Oprah calls her Oprah.
Charlie the Smoking Chimp, a mainstay at a South African Zoo, has died at age 52, living ten years longer than the average chimp. Zoo veterinarians attributed Charlie’s long life to staying fit by throwing feces at people who wouldn’t let him bum cigarettes.
The company whose toxic red sludge that burst out of a Hungarian factory's reservoir and flowed to the Danube River claims it’s not harmful. Who knew that BP also stands for Budapest Putridity?
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Health reports that a surprising jump in the number of Americans hobbled by arthritis may be due to obesity. This explains the new Extra Light Excedrin.
A Michigan State football fan delayed having a pacemaker installed so he could watch the Spartans play the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday. He’s hoping he doesn’t become a diehard fan.
A judge in San Antonio ruled that nude dancing in gentlemen's clubs in that city is illegal. Even if the dancers yell out “Remember the Ala-ho!”
A Pennsylvania man who hid four ounces of marijuana in the Elmo backpack his son took to school was sentenced to six to 23 months in jail. The boy’s teacher turned the dad in when the kid referred to the character on his backpack as Don’t Bogart Me Elmo.
Former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon, the Republican nominee for U.S. Senate in Connecticut, says she misspoke when she suggested lowering the minimum wage. She meant to say, “Can you smell what the cold heartless candidate is cooking?”
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and sired more than 160 children died at age 94. Newspaper carriers are being advised to lift with their knees when they deliver copies of the edition with his obituary.
Michelle Obama is number one on Forbes magazine’s list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the world. She’s so powerful, Oprah calls her Oprah.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
One-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. The cops are now searching for an extremely paranoid proctologist.
Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva said she feared for her life during a fight with him earlier this year. The worst part was the thought of calling 9-1-1 and having to keep re-spelling her name.
Facebook admitted that unspecified site issues caused the site to be slow or unavailable for some of its 500 million users. It was just a coincidence that those people were the ones who posted favorable reviews of “The Social Network.”
A purple potato that is supposedly healthier than white potatoes has gone on sale in England. Brits afraid to try the odd-colored chips with their fish are not impressed that the spuds are recommended by one-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters.
According to a new study, transplant patients who believe in God have a better survival rate than atheists. Both groups are out-survived by transplant patients who believe in malpractice suits.
A Chinese airport in Inner Mongolia was forced to shut down to prevent commercial jets from crashing into what looked like a UFO. Passengers in the air were told that, in the event of an alien abduction, their seat cushions could be used as a probe-blocking device.
An American family attending a circus in the Ukraine recorded a video of lions attacking a lion trainer while the audience watched. They managed to smuggle the video out and are considering an offer from the Detroit NFL franchise to use it as a training film.
Firefighters in East Greenwich, Rhode Island, managed to save the life of an 18-foot Burmese python they found in a burning building. Then they almost killed it when they caught the snake humping their hose.
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. The dentist is counter-suing since the piece of dental equipment was his finger.
Frito-Lay is getting rid of its 100 percent compostable SunChips bags after customer complaints that the bags were too noisy when handled. This was a real problem at Tea Party rallies where the noise outed SunChip eaters as the too-wussy-to-eat-all-American-potato-chips liberals they really are.
A Swedish hospital has apologized for a Halloween blood drive campaign that scared some people with its slogan: “Give Blood! See Blood!” They borrowed the slogan from the U.S. after a recent highly-successful NRA blood drive.
Police in British Columbia were called to a fundraiser after 150 drunken women started brawling when one stood on a chair and blocked their view of a male stripper. The cops arrested the women for assault and the stripper for doing the Full Mounty.
Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva said she feared for her life during a fight with him earlier this year. The worst part was the thought of calling 9-1-1 and having to keep re-spelling her name.
Facebook admitted that unspecified site issues caused the site to be slow or unavailable for some of its 500 million users. It was just a coincidence that those people were the ones who posted favorable reviews of “The Social Network.”
A purple potato that is supposedly healthier than white potatoes has gone on sale in England. Brits afraid to try the odd-colored chips with their fish are not impressed that the spuds are recommended by one-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters.
According to a new study, transplant patients who believe in God have a better survival rate than atheists. Both groups are out-survived by transplant patients who believe in malpractice suits.
A Chinese airport in Inner Mongolia was forced to shut down to prevent commercial jets from crashing into what looked like a UFO. Passengers in the air were told that, in the event of an alien abduction, their seat cushions could be used as a probe-blocking device.
An American family attending a circus in the Ukraine recorded a video of lions attacking a lion trainer while the audience watched. They managed to smuggle the video out and are considering an offer from the Detroit NFL franchise to use it as a training film.
Firefighters in East Greenwich, Rhode Island, managed to save the life of an 18-foot Burmese python they found in a burning building. Then they almost killed it when they caught the snake humping their hose.
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. The dentist is counter-suing since the piece of dental equipment was his finger.
Frito-Lay is getting rid of its 100 percent compostable SunChips bags after customer complaints that the bags were too noisy when handled. This was a real problem at Tea Party rallies where the noise outed SunChip eaters as the too-wussy-to-eat-all-American-potato-chips liberals they really are.
A Swedish hospital has apologized for a Halloween blood drive campaign that scared some people with its slogan: “Give Blood! See Blood!” They borrowed the slogan from the U.S. after a recent highly-successful NRA blood drive.
Police in British Columbia were called to a fundraiser after 150 drunken women started brawling when one stood on a chair and blocked their view of a male stripper. The cops arrested the women for assault and the stripper for doing the Full Mounty.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Reclining barstools
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. On the downside, only one percent go with tartar sauce.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. To capitalize on this, a number of cocktail lounges are offering reclining barstools.
The first national survey of Americans' sexual behavior since 1994 found 41 different ways people engage in sex. This came as a shock to Christine O’Donnell who is still waiting for her first sex lesson from a missionary.
Doctors are reporting cases of “toasted skin syndrome,” an unusual-looking mottled skin condition caused by spending too many hours with a hot notebook computer on your lap. Not surprisingly, over a million people with this condition have formed a Facebook group.
The FBI and Homeland Security Department say they have no indication that terrorists are targeting U.S. citizens as part of a new threat against Europe. The news came as a disappointment to French waiters.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. In a similar announcement, George W. Bush says he’s recovered from his bout with being president and has resumed bugging Laura all day about what’s for dinner.
South Korea retained the title of grand champion for the third straight year at the10th annual World Cyber Games. The winners had to postpone a victory parade through the streets of Seoul because their wrists are still too sore to wave.
In England, an obstacle course race between soccer club mascots got ugly when it was discovered that some clubs secretly replaced the regular mascots with athletic ringers and were actually trying to win. If it works for mascots, maybe the Detroit Lions should try it with the rest of the team.
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. These injuries are usually accompanied by arm strains caused by throwing the console against the wall.
A popular charity calendar in Austria features farm girls dressed as Marilyn Monroe in Seven Year Itch, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Halle Berry's Catwoman and Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. The local favorite is a farmer’s daughter dressed as the host of a documentary on sheep breeding.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. The dancers got suspicious when the undercover officers ran out of dollar bills and tried to stuff their G-strings with donut shop coupons.
According to a new report, China is the world's largest toilet market with nearly 19 million toilets being sold there every year. Many homes have two: the Moo Goo Guy and the Moo Goo Girl models.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. To capitalize on this, a number of cocktail lounges are offering reclining barstools.
The first national survey of Americans' sexual behavior since 1994 found 41 different ways people engage in sex. This came as a shock to Christine O’Donnell who is still waiting for her first sex lesson from a missionary.
Doctors are reporting cases of “toasted skin syndrome,” an unusual-looking mottled skin condition caused by spending too many hours with a hot notebook computer on your lap. Not surprisingly, over a million people with this condition have formed a Facebook group.
The FBI and Homeland Security Department say they have no indication that terrorists are targeting U.S. citizens as part of a new threat against Europe. The news came as a disappointment to French waiters.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. In a similar announcement, George W. Bush says he’s recovered from his bout with being president and has resumed bugging Laura all day about what’s for dinner.
South Korea retained the title of grand champion for the third straight year at the10th annual World Cyber Games. The winners had to postpone a victory parade through the streets of Seoul because their wrists are still too sore to wave.
In England, an obstacle course race between soccer club mascots got ugly when it was discovered that some clubs secretly replaced the regular mascots with athletic ringers and were actually trying to win. If it works for mascots, maybe the Detroit Lions should try it with the rest of the team.
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. These injuries are usually accompanied by arm strains caused by throwing the console against the wall.
A popular charity calendar in Austria features farm girls dressed as Marilyn Monroe in Seven Year Itch, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Halle Berry's Catwoman and Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. The local favorite is a farmer’s daughter dressed as the host of a documentary on sheep breeding.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. The dancers got suspicious when the undercover officers ran out of dollar bills and tried to stuff their G-strings with donut shop coupons.
According to a new report, China is the world's largest toilet market with nearly 19 million toilets being sold there every year. Many homes have two: the Moo Goo Guy and the Moo Goo Girl models.
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster
A Russian company says it plans to build a four-room hotel in outer space by 2016. It will cost $20 million a night for a regular room and $10 million if you take the room by the ice machine.
A police department in England is raising money by selling bras and panties confiscated from female criminals. Most popular are the ones from prostitutes, least popular are those from women who strangled their lovers with thongs.
The government of Sweden has issued an alert about the threat of a terrorist attack. Swedish citizens are asked to report anyone who is not blonde, doesn’t want a massage or hates meatballs.
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. To cater to the local clientele, the girls will also wear see-through cheeseheads.
In New Mexico, the Santa Fe City Council updated its indecency ordinance to state that men cannot expose their genitals if they are in “a discernibly turgid state.” If you’re unsure what that means, look at a map of the United States and you’ll see that Florida is not a discernibly turgid state
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” Funny, I thought food porn was Lady Gaga taking off her meat dress.
According to a new study, some women say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them feel sexier and more feminine. And some men say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster.
A police department in England is raising money by selling bras and panties confiscated from female criminals. Most popular are the ones from prostitutes, least popular are those from women who strangled their lovers with thongs.
The government of Sweden has issued an alert about the threat of a terrorist attack. Swedish citizens are asked to report anyone who is not blonde, doesn’t want a massage or hates meatballs.
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. To cater to the local clientele, the girls will also wear see-through cheeseheads.
In New Mexico, the Santa Fe City Council updated its indecency ordinance to state that men cannot expose their genitals if they are in “a discernibly turgid state.” If you’re unsure what that means, look at a map of the United States and you’ll see that Florida is not a discernibly turgid state
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” Funny, I thought food porn was Lady Gaga taking off her meat dress.
According to a new study, some women say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them feel sexier and more feminine. And some men say carrying a Victoria's Secret bag makes them run faster.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The dangers of having sex in a Smart car
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. This came as a shock to the pope who says the picture on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel looks nothing like Glenn Beck.
A Chicago-area woman recruited for an internship at Disneyland was told she can wear a Muslim headscarf, but only one designed by Disney. She says that’s OK as long as it doesn’t make her look Goofy.
A Chicago doctor says her invention, an “Emergency Bra” that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks, is now available in B and C cup sizes in red only. She’s currently working on a model for saving entire families called the Dolly Parton.
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. Germans hate it but an English version of the game is sold out in Nevada.
In Florida, the Cocoa City Council decided to drop plans to ban young people from wearing sagging pants that show their boxers. It’s just another example of underwearwolves who change when exposed to a full moon.
Tour de France champion Alberto Contador claims that a banned substance he tested positive for came from eating bad food. This is the first evidence that the International Cycling Union tests for Denny’s dinners.
Former President Jimmy Carter left a Cleveland hospital where he spent two days recovering from a viral infection. His doctors knew Carter was feeling better when he tried to negotiate a peace settlement between his fellow patients and their insurance companies.
Kroger’s had to pull all of the Chad Ochocinco's Cereal boxes from its shelves because a wrong number on the box led callers to a phone sex hotline. The boxes will be resold under the name Turn Trix.
Fisher-Price is recalling more than 10 million tricycles, toys and high chairs because a protruding plastic ignition key near the seat could cause genital bleeding. Some parents kept the trikes to teach their kids the dangers of having sex in a Smart car.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. That’s completely unfair since our own Congress proves that literacy doesn’t make clowns any better at their jobs.
North Korea has released the first official photo of Kim Jong Un, the youngest son and heir apparent of Kim Jong Il. The young man is pretty handsome, so it looks like the government has lifted its ban on Photoshop.
A Chicago-area woman recruited for an internship at Disneyland was told she can wear a Muslim headscarf, but only one designed by Disney. She says that’s OK as long as it doesn’t make her look Goofy.
A Chicago doctor says her invention, an “Emergency Bra” that can be quickly converted into a pair of gas masks, is now available in B and C cup sizes in red only. She’s currently working on a model for saving entire families called the Dolly Parton.
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. Germans hate it but an English version of the game is sold out in Nevada.
In Florida, the Cocoa City Council decided to drop plans to ban young people from wearing sagging pants that show their boxers. It’s just another example of underwearwolves who change when exposed to a full moon.
Tour de France champion Alberto Contador claims that a banned substance he tested positive for came from eating bad food. This is the first evidence that the International Cycling Union tests for Denny’s dinners.
Former President Jimmy Carter left a Cleveland hospital where he spent two days recovering from a viral infection. His doctors knew Carter was feeling better when he tried to negotiate a peace settlement between his fellow patients and their insurance companies.
Kroger’s had to pull all of the Chad Ochocinco's Cereal boxes from its shelves because a wrong number on the box led callers to a phone sex hotline. The boxes will be resold under the name Turn Trix.
Fisher-Price is recalling more than 10 million tricycles, toys and high chairs because a protruding plastic ignition key near the seat could cause genital bleeding. Some parents kept the trikes to teach their kids the dangers of having sex in a Smart car.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. That’s completely unfair since our own Congress proves that literacy doesn’t make clowns any better at their jobs.
North Korea has released the first official photo of Kim Jong Un, the youngest son and heir apparent of Kim Jong Il. The young man is pretty handsome, so it looks like the government has lifted its ban on Photoshop.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
First you need to give some Czechs some checks
A New York City public information campaign promotes the benefits of breastfeeding by pointing out that it burns 500 calories a day. There’s more about this breastfeeding weight loss program in a new book, “The Titikin Diet.”
It looks like Jennifer Lopez has signed a $12 million contract to be a judge on “American Idol.” Steven Tyler will settle for less as long as there’s a big mattress behind the judges’ stand in case he falls off.
Two senators from Thailand fought each other in a boxing ring set up outside parliament in Bangkok to promote Thai kickboxing. Maybe we can get Republican senators to promote the Second Amendment by setting up dueling matches in front of Congress.
George Michael was sentenced to eight weeks in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. He blamed it on his fear of traffic, or drugging under the influence of driving.
President Obama gave his second back-to-school pep talk with a lot less protests from conservatives than the first one had. The biggest complaint came from teachers who were hoping he’d speak longer so they could sneak out and look for a better job.
Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. She claimed she was a free thinker and thought the sign said “Off-the-Walgreens.”
Members of a church in Anaheim, California, are celebrating its first anniversary by getting tattoos of the red-heart church logo. The pastor will then inspect the location of the tattoo to determine if you paid attention during his sermons.
The Swedish Armed Forces disciplined two non-commissioned officers for dressing in their underwear on duty and flying a flag with a penis on it. The men were recruited under a special program in the Swedish military called “Don’t ask, we’re gay.”
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Then she boarded a plane and showed how she really felt in every airsick she could find.
Authorities in the Czech Republic have banned Google from taking pictures for its “Street View” mapping feature. If Google had googled “doing business in the Czech Republic,” they would have found out that first you need to give some Czechs some checks.
It looks like Jennifer Lopez has signed a $12 million contract to be a judge on “American Idol.” Steven Tyler will settle for less as long as there’s a big mattress behind the judges’ stand in case he falls off.
Two senators from Thailand fought each other in a boxing ring set up outside parliament in Bangkok to promote Thai kickboxing. Maybe we can get Republican senators to promote the Second Amendment by setting up dueling matches in front of Congress.
George Michael was sentenced to eight weeks in jail for driving under the influence of drugs. He blamed it on his fear of traffic, or drugging under the influence of driving.
President Obama gave his second back-to-school pep talk with a lot less protests from conservatives than the first one had. The biggest complaint came from teachers who were hoping he’d speak longer so they could sneak out and look for a better job.
Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. She claimed she was a free thinker and thought the sign said “Off-the-Walgreens.”
Members of a church in Anaheim, California, are celebrating its first anniversary by getting tattoos of the red-heart church logo. The pastor will then inspect the location of the tattoo to determine if you paid attention during his sermons.
The Swedish Armed Forces disciplined two non-commissioned officers for dressing in their underwear on duty and flying a flag with a penis on it. The men were recruited under a special program in the Swedish military called “Don’t ask, we’re gay.”
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Then she boarded a plane and showed how she really felt in every airsick she could find.
Authorities in the Czech Republic have banned Google from taking pictures for its “Street View” mapping feature. If Google had googled “doing business in the Czech Republic,” they would have found out that first you need to give some Czechs some checks.
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