Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Olympic rowers holding ice picks

According to scientists at the National Snow and Ice Data Center, the Arctic Ocean sea ice has melted to the second lowest minimum since satellite observations began. It’s so low, Russia is replacing its huge ice-breaking trawlers with Olympic rowers holding ice picks.

A new study found that, contrary to popular belief, eating seeds, nuts, corn and popcorn does not cause the bowel disease diverticulosis. There goes the last remaining buyers for small bags of popcorn at movie theaters.

“Desperate Housewives” actress Nicollette Sheridan and singer Michael Bolton have ended their engagement. After Michael spent a few weeks living with her while rehearsing for a new CD, Nicollette realized that married life would be like living in an elevator.

Scientists in Israel are taking digital photographs of the Dead Sea Scrolls so that the 2,000-year-old documents can be made available to the public on the Internet. Luckily for John McCain, they won’t be ready in time for Barack Obama to use them to prove he’s the chosen one.

The Mars rover Opportunity is finally driving out of a giant crater nearly a year after it descended into it to study the rocks there. That’s how long it took NASA to convince the Bush administration to charge the rover with solar power instead of drilling the Mars surface for oil.

The city of Akron, Ohio, is considering a plan nicknamed “stools for schools” where it would lease the city-owned sewage system to a private contractor for $200 million and use the money for college scholarships. Proving once again that “what goes around, comes around,” most of the sewage in Akron’s system comes from high school cafeterias.

The commuter rail division of Chicago's Regional Transportation Authority is taking its bar cars out of service because they’re no longer profitable. This could be bad news for a number of regulars who will sober up and find out they haven’t had jobs in years.

A farmer in Alaska claims that his potentially record-setting 6-foot-wide giant cabbage exploded just four days before the official weigh-in at the Alaska State Fair. The good news is, he now holds the record for the world’s largest bowl of cole slaw.

A Missouri county sheriff says his policy of hanging "wanted" posters above urinals in the department's building has led to 10 arrests so far. You can tell someone has recognized a face on the wanted poster by the sound of squishy shoes.

A Mexican business owner's association is trying to stop the sale of a beer named after a legendary outlaw known as the "patron saint" of drug traffickers. And every night, American brewers drop to their knees and pray that there’s never a serial killer named Bud Miller.

Actress and Jenny Craig spokeswoman Valerie Bertinelli is set to star in a pilot for a new, as-yet-untitled comedy series on TBS. The only thing the network would confirm is that it’s not a show based on her weight loss called “Two-and-a-Half Dress Sizes.”

A Republican organization in Washington state issued an apology for offering $3 bills at a county fair booth showing Barack Obama in Muslim garb. The group also refused to acknowledge that Obama would be good for the economy even though the $3 bills are now worth 20 bucks.

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