Former President Bill Clinton presided at the wedding ceremony for U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner and Huma Abedin, an aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Bill’s only slip came after he had married the couple and then said, “I may now kiss the bride.”
Rev. Jesse Jackson says Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert’s comments about LeBron James sounded like they were directed at a “runaway slave.” Actually, James was more like a freed slave how just got 40 million acres and a mule.
The Swiss government declared Roman Polanski a free after rejecting a U.S. request to extradite him on a charge of having sex in 1977 with a 13-year-old girl. The director of “Chinatown” is now working on a new movie about the current state of affairs in the U.S. called “Chinacountry.”
There’s speculation over whether Chelsea Clinton will convert before marrying Marc Mezvinsky, who was raised in Conservative Judaism. When asked what he thought of the possibility of his daughter converting to Judaism, her father Bill said, “That’s depends on what your definition of “ism” is.
Patrick Hemingway, the 82-year-old son of writer Ernest Hemingway, says his father would approve of a new line of shoes named after him. However, he probably wouldn’t help the business by changing the name of one of his books to “For Whom They Sell Soles.”
Two Southern California men played darts for 30 hours, 7 minutes to set a world record for the longest dart game ever. They also set a record for the longest time two people played darts without once saying, “What’s your point?”
Police in Washington arrested a men impersonating a bus driver who stole a bus and picked up passengers before crashing into a tree. The passengers started to get suspicious when the guy was polite, on schedule and waited for a lady who was running late.
It’s the 50th anniversary of Harper Lee's literary classic, “To Kill A Mockingbird.” She never wrote another novel, although she was tempted to write a cookbook called “To Grill A Mockingbird.”
A new biography of Sarah Palin is being written to appeal to 9-to-12-year-olds. Kind of like her speeches.
Producers of “Glee” say there’s no chance Britney Spears will appear on the musical comedy-drama despite a Twitter campaign by her manager. That’s too bad because the cheerleader coach on “Glee” is the only person left capable of talking some sense into Britney.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Reproductus expeditus
More bad news for Cleveland. All of the people who believe that LeBron James leaving the city is the end of the world have decided to stay.
ESPN’s rating for the big LeBron James announcement were so good, everyone wants in. The Food Network is pushing to broadcast his first decision when he arrives in Miami on whether to go out for seafood, ribs or Chinese.
Celine Dion announced on her web site that she’s pregnant with twin boys. She didn’t need an ultrasound – the doctor could tell from the two nipple-shaped objects sticking out on either side of her navel.
A new study found than people can be addicted to love the same as they can become addicted to drugs because the same parts of the brain are involved. It’s the part of the brain located beneath the area of the skull that both types of addicts bang against the wall.
A new study found that women are more willing to engage in "reproduction expediting" sexual activities as their biological clocks tick louder. Which explains why “reproductus expeditus” is the Latin word for “cougar.”
An upcoming auction in New York will feature the belongings of movie cowboy Roy Rogers, including the preserved remains of his horse, Trigger. The stuffed horse could fetch $200,000 – more if it still has the marks on its rear where Roy’s wife Dale Evans used to kick it.
Some people never learn. Lindsay Lohan is trying to find a network willing to broadcast her decision whether to go to a prison where the uniforms are orange or one where the inmates wear stripes.
ESPN’s rating for the big LeBron James announcement were so good, everyone wants in. The Food Network is pushing to broadcast his first decision when he arrives in Miami on whether to go out for seafood, ribs or Chinese.
Celine Dion announced on her web site that she’s pregnant with twin boys. She didn’t need an ultrasound – the doctor could tell from the two nipple-shaped objects sticking out on either side of her navel.
A new study found than people can be addicted to love the same as they can become addicted to drugs because the same parts of the brain are involved. It’s the part of the brain located beneath the area of the skull that both types of addicts bang against the wall.
A new study found that women are more willing to engage in "reproduction expediting" sexual activities as their biological clocks tick louder. Which explains why “reproductus expeditus” is the Latin word for “cougar.”
An upcoming auction in New York will feature the belongings of movie cowboy Roy Rogers, including the preserved remains of his horse, Trigger. The stuffed horse could fetch $200,000 – more if it still has the marks on its rear where Roy’s wife Dale Evans used to kick it.
Some people never learn. Lindsay Lohan is trying to find a network willing to broadcast her decision whether to go to a prison where the uniforms are orange or one where the inmates wear stripes.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Behead and Shoulders
Larry King says he’s retiring as host of “Larry King Live” so he and his wife can go to Little League baseball games. He’ll be the old guy in the stands yelling, “Hey you kids! Get off of my lawn!”
Police in Massillon, Ohio, arrested a man named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges and drug possession. His lawyer claims Donald Duck suffers from multiple personalities disorder and that’s the reason he was acting Goofy.
Actor Steve Carell says he’s leaving “The Office” at the end of season seven so he can spend more time with his family. His kids watched DVDs of the previous six seasons of him playing Michael Scott and begged him to stay on the show until they’re old enough to move out.
Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” That’s not the original title but his publisher didn’t like “Stories That Explain Why I’m Not George Clooney.”
Addiction experts in Australia have found no link between excessive Internet use and problem gambling. Apparently strip Internet poker isn’t as addictive as the real thing.
Police in Florida arrested a woman who allegedly swung a toilet lid at her cousin's head before stealing his wallet. The cops found the weapon with her fingerprints on it because, like all women, she put the seat down.
A Massachusetts biotech firm has been asked by Ozzy Osbourne to analyze his DNA for his new health column in The Times of London. I predict they’ll find that his deoxyribonucleic acid is mostly acid.
The Senate voted 99-to-0 to unanimously confirm Gen. David Petraeus as the next commander of the Afghanistan war. The late Senator Robert Byrd could not vote, but just to be on the safe side President Obama banned Ouija boards from the Senate chamber.
A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. You can tell it was Napoleon’s because it still smells of his favorite shampoo … Behead and Shoulders.
Police in Massillon, Ohio, arrested a man named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges and drug possession. His lawyer claims Donald Duck suffers from multiple personalities disorder and that’s the reason he was acting Goofy.
Actor Steve Carell says he’s leaving “The Office” at the end of season seven so he can spend more time with his family. His kids watched DVDs of the previous six seasons of him playing Michael Scott and begged him to stay on the show until they’re old enough to move out.
Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” That’s not the original title but his publisher didn’t like “Stories That Explain Why I’m Not George Clooney.”
Addiction experts in Australia have found no link between excessive Internet use and problem gambling. Apparently strip Internet poker isn’t as addictive as the real thing.
Police in Florida arrested a woman who allegedly swung a toilet lid at her cousin's head before stealing his wallet. The cops found the weapon with her fingerprints on it because, like all women, she put the seat down.
A Massachusetts biotech firm has been asked by Ozzy Osbourne to analyze his DNA for his new health column in The Times of London. I predict they’ll find that his deoxyribonucleic acid is mostly acid.
The Senate voted 99-to-0 to unanimously confirm Gen. David Petraeus as the next commander of the Afghanistan war. The late Senator Robert Byrd could not vote, but just to be on the safe side President Obama banned Ouija boards from the Senate chamber.
A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. You can tell it was Napoleon’s because it still smells of his favorite shampoo … Behead and Shoulders.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Drinkers needed a strong constitution
NASA commander Alan Poindexter told a reporter that sexual intercourse is not permitted aboard the International Space Station. If it does happen, the commander is required to report it to NASA using the code phrase, “Houston, we have a probe-lem.”
The Pentagon unveiled a painting of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld that cost nearly $50,000. Most of that money was for a special coating to make it easy to wash off mustaches, goatees and horns.
Russia’s government says the U.S. arrest of 10 alleged Russian spies is an unjustified throwback to the Cold War. This was denied by Napoleon Solo, head of U.N.C.L.E.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. Sounds like just the thing to get your date in the mood to spawn.
General Stanley McChrystal has decided to retire from the Army. He wants to spend more time at home giving orders to his kids to look for Waldo.
Steve Carell is leaving his role as Michael Scott on “The Office” at the end of this season. When it was pointed out that he’s had a long tenure, he said, “That’s what SHE said.”
Officials at George Washington's Virginia estate says whiskey from Washington’s original recipe is being made available for the first time since 1814. It was a pretty potent spirit back then so, like the new country, drinkers needed a strong constitution.
Thousands of Czechs are protesting plans to place a six-foot-tall Michael Jackson statue in a park in Prague. They’re afraid the statue will attract two things that always make a mess in parks: pigeons and American tourists.
The Pentagon unveiled a painting of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld that cost nearly $50,000. Most of that money was for a special coating to make it easy to wash off mustaches, goatees and horns.
Russia’s government says the U.S. arrest of 10 alleged Russian spies is an unjustified throwback to the Cold War. This was denied by Napoleon Solo, head of U.N.C.L.E.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. Sounds like just the thing to get your date in the mood to spawn.
General Stanley McChrystal has decided to retire from the Army. He wants to spend more time at home giving orders to his kids to look for Waldo.
Steve Carell is leaving his role as Michael Scott on “The Office” at the end of this season. When it was pointed out that he’s had a long tenure, he said, “That’s what SHE said.”
Officials at George Washington's Virginia estate says whiskey from Washington’s original recipe is being made available for the first time since 1814. It was a pretty potent spirit back then so, like the new country, drinkers needed a strong constitution.
Thousands of Czechs are protesting plans to place a six-foot-tall Michael Jackson statue in a park in Prague. They’re afraid the statue will attract two things that always make a mess in parks: pigeons and American tourists.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Those underwater robots have a pretty tough union
Police in Michigan arrested a drunken man and woman pushing a baby stroller containing two 4-year-old boys, open containers of alcohol and a bayonet. Boy, these pre-school graduation parties are really getting out of hand.
The Colorado man who was stopped in Pakistan while on a hunt for Osama bin Laden said he wanted to capture him alive and bring him to justice. He’s pretty upset that he got closer than anyone else but still didn’t get his picture on the cover of Rolling Stone.
BP claims it is spending $100 million per day on the Gulf oil disaster. Apparently those underwater robots have a pretty tough union.
BP is denying reports out of Russia that CEO Tony Hayward is resigning. It has no comments on other reports out of Russia that vodka kills the taste of oily water.
A set of three chest X-rays taken of Marilyn Monroe during a 1954 hospital visit sold for $45,000 at an auction in Las Vegas. It’s hard to tell if it’s really Marilyn but the hand in the X-ray is definitely a Kennedy.
Britain's Prince Harry fell off of his horse while playing polo in New York. The first aid center was immediately swamped with skinny supermodels offering to donate a thimble of blood.
A video of the late Gary Coleman's exposed penis is making the rounds on the Internet. After seeing it, you’ll know what really inspired the title “Diff’rent Strokes.”
The Colorado man who was stopped in Pakistan while on a hunt for Osama bin Laden said he wanted to capture him alive and bring him to justice. He’s pretty upset that he got closer than anyone else but still didn’t get his picture on the cover of Rolling Stone.
BP claims it is spending $100 million per day on the Gulf oil disaster. Apparently those underwater robots have a pretty tough union.
BP is denying reports out of Russia that CEO Tony Hayward is resigning. It has no comments on other reports out of Russia that vodka kills the taste of oily water.
A set of three chest X-rays taken of Marilyn Monroe during a 1954 hospital visit sold for $45,000 at an auction in Las Vegas. It’s hard to tell if it’s really Marilyn but the hand in the X-ray is definitely a Kennedy.
Britain's Prince Harry fell off of his horse while playing polo in New York. The first aid center was immediately swamped with skinny supermodels offering to donate a thimble of blood.
A video of the late Gary Coleman's exposed penis is making the rounds on the Internet. After seeing it, you’ll know what really inspired the title “Diff’rent Strokes.”
Friday, June 25, 2010
You’ll be sleeping alone again tonight
A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. He initially refused to get treatment because he hates doctors, but the apologetic dog convinced his owner to let him drive him to his vet.
British veterinarians saved the life of a cat who lost two legs in an accident by replacing them with the world’s first fully-operational feline bionic legs. The cat has been signed to star in a new TV show called “The Six Million Dollar Manx.”
Rock singer Meat Loaf is in talks to compete on the next edition of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” He should do well as long as he doesn’t compare Donald Trump’s hair to a bat out of hell.
A two-foot long metal arm from the Terminator, the only known surviving piece of the movie robot, is being auctioned off in California. A Terminator arm would make a great I’ll-be-backscratcher.
An atheists' organization has put up a billboard on Billy Graham Parkway in Charlotte, North Carolina. Always the peacemaker, the Reverand Graham prayed for the atheists and also that no one gets hurt when lightning hits it.
In San Bernadino, California, police were called to break up a fight between parents attending a kindergarten graduation. Something about the valedictorian being undeserving of the honor because he wasn‘t potty-trained yet.
According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. If you believe a yawn is a good way to show a woman you're interested, y.
It’s rumored that Playboy has offered Justin Bieber's mom $50,000 to pose topless. Sure, it sounds creepy, but if the shock causes Justin to lose his voice, I’m all for it.
Kellogg Co. is voluntarily recalling about 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops and Honey Smacks cereals because an unusual smell and flavor from the packages' liners could make people ill. That’s almost as many people who get ill from reading the ingredients.
Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul says an underground electronic fence along the U.S.-Mexico border would be a cost-effective way to stop illegal immigration. If it’s that cheap, I’m willing to chip and put one around Kentucky before Rand leaves.
British veterinarians saved the life of a cat who lost two legs in an accident by replacing them with the world’s first fully-operational feline bionic legs. The cat has been signed to star in a new TV show called “The Six Million Dollar Manx.”
Rock singer Meat Loaf is in talks to compete on the next edition of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” He should do well as long as he doesn’t compare Donald Trump’s hair to a bat out of hell.
A two-foot long metal arm from the Terminator, the only known surviving piece of the movie robot, is being auctioned off in California. A Terminator arm would make a great I’ll-be-backscratcher.
An atheists' organization has put up a billboard on Billy Graham Parkway in Charlotte, North Carolina. Always the peacemaker, the Reverand Graham prayed for the atheists and also that no one gets hurt when lightning hits it.
In San Bernadino, California, police were called to break up a fight between parents attending a kindergarten graduation. Something about the valedictorian being undeserving of the honor because he wasn‘t potty-trained yet.
According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. If you believe a yawn is a good way to show a woman you're interested, y.
It’s rumored that Playboy has offered Justin Bieber's mom $50,000 to pose topless. Sure, it sounds creepy, but if the shock causes Justin to lose his voice, I’m all for it.
Kellogg Co. is voluntarily recalling about 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops and Honey Smacks cereals because an unusual smell and flavor from the packages' liners could make people ill. That’s almost as many people who get ill from reading the ingredients.
Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul says an underground electronic fence along the U.S.-Mexico border would be a cost-effective way to stop illegal immigration. If it’s that cheap, I’m willing to chip and put one around Kentucky before Rand leaves.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Warm up his globe
Kal Penn has officially left the White House's Office of Public Engagement to shoot a Christmas-themed “Harold and Kumar” special. They’ll be joined by another former Obama administration official in “Harold and Kumar Make Wassail with General Stanley.”
Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul once said he would have pardoned himself if he had been the state's scandal-plagued governor who violated state hiring laws. So the real reason this libertarian likes playing Monopoly is not the free market economy but the “Get out of jail free” cards.
A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. They didn’t say what he was drinking but the float is now called the Rye-tanic.
Engineers using remote-controlled submarines put a cap back on BP’s broken oil well after a robot accidentally knocked it off. The robot refused to take responsibility and was later spotted watching his boat compete in a remote-controlled sailboat race.
Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. On the downside, a number of people on the routes have been bitten by disgruntled postal workers.
Army Gen. David Petraeus didn’t was any time taking over in Afghanistan for General Stanley McChrystal. He’s already told his staff to stop referring to Vice President Joe Biden as “Bite Me” and start referring to him as “Vice President Bite Me.”
Queen Elizabeth II visiting the All England Club to watch the Wimbledon tennis tournament for the first time since 1977. She hadn’t seen that many women in skimpy outfits chasing balls since Charles stopped sneaking girlfriends into the palace.
Police in Portland say they found no evidence to support charges that Al Gore had “unwanted sexual contact” with a massage therapist in 2006. They think the woman may have misunderstood Al and thought he asked her to warm up his globe.
According to new research, despite being so close together on the human face, the nose and throat contain very different types of bacteria. Which explains why we say “Cover your mouth” after a cough and “God bless you” after a sneeze.
Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul once said he would have pardoned himself if he had been the state's scandal-plagued governor who violated state hiring laws. So the real reason this libertarian likes playing Monopoly is not the free market economy but the “Get out of jail free” cards.
A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. They didn’t say what he was drinking but the float is now called the Rye-tanic.
Engineers using remote-controlled submarines put a cap back on BP’s broken oil well after a robot accidentally knocked it off. The robot refused to take responsibility and was later spotted watching his boat compete in a remote-controlled sailboat race.
Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. On the downside, a number of people on the routes have been bitten by disgruntled postal workers.
Army Gen. David Petraeus didn’t was any time taking over in Afghanistan for General Stanley McChrystal. He’s already told his staff to stop referring to Vice President Joe Biden as “Bite Me” and start referring to him as “Vice President Bite Me.”
Queen Elizabeth II visiting the All England Club to watch the Wimbledon tennis tournament for the first time since 1977. She hadn’t seen that many women in skimpy outfits chasing balls since Charles stopped sneaking girlfriends into the palace.
Police in Portland say they found no evidence to support charges that Al Gore had “unwanted sexual contact” with a massage therapist in 2006. They think the woman may have misunderstood Al and thought he asked her to warm up his globe.
According to new research, despite being so close together on the human face, the nose and throat contain very different types of bacteria. Which explains why we say “Cover your mouth” after a cough and “God bless you” after a sneeze.
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