Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Mexican name of the company is Jershey

A woman in Kansas City was uninjured after a bullet fired at her got tangled in her hair weave. She’s now on her way to New York where she’s been hired as a personal hairdresser to Donald Trump.

Mexican have captured an Austrian woman accused of stalking “CSI: Miami” star David Caruso. It wasn’t too hard to find her since she’s the only person in Mexico who knows all of the words to “Won't Get Fooled Again

Federal officials charged Texas billionaire Sir Allen Stanford with fraud for selling $8 billion in phony CDs from his bank in Antigua, the country which made him a knight. He won’t get much help from Antigua since its only other knight is a guy with a plastic Jedi laser sword.

In Montana, an inmate filed a $10 million federal lawsuit alleging guards interfered with his satanic religious practices while he was in jail. Unfortunately, he couldn’t show them in his book of satanic rituals where the devil requires being worshiped with files, shovels and skeleton keys.

Shareholders of the computer security company Aladdin Knowledge Systems have approved its acquisition by an investor group. Aladdin shareholders get $160 million in return for giving up the company and one of the three wishes from the genie in the lamp.

Tiger Woods is returning to the professional golf tour next week in the Accenture Match Play Championship. For those not familiar with the term, “match” play is when the other players use a match to burn their scorecards after losing to Tiger.

Former president Bill Clinton says he wishes President Obama would be more hopeful about the economy. And Obama wishes Clinton would be less hopeful about getting invited to a White House cocktail party.

A drag queen was elected homecoming queen at George Mason University in Virginia. The election offended many people, including George Mason alumni, guys named George and the Masons.

Experts are analyzing a grainy photograph taken from a helicopter of what appears to be a 100-foot snake in a river in Borneo. They’re trying to determine if it’s real or just photoshopped image of a porn star sitting in his bathtub.

A bag of Woolworths candy from one of the stores that closed in England last year sold on eBay for more than $20,000. Not surprisingly, the winner said he planned to eat it while sitting at home alone watching “Star Trek” reruns.

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy, who just turned 77, said in an interview that it’s premature to eulogize him or write his obituary. Being a Kennedy, he’s hoping reporters will get a chance to write about one more sex scandal first.

Singer Clay Aiken announced he’s ended his contract with RCA Records. He was upset that the company refused to change its name to RCGay.

Engineers have confirmed that New York's No. 2 subway train plays the opening notes of “Somewhere” from the musical "West Side Story" when the cars start moving. Now they’re checking a report that the brakes squealing when the train stops is actually Stanley from “Streetcar Named Desire” yelling “Stellaaaa!”

Former President George W. Bush visited the Dallas hardware store that jokingly made him a job offer to work there as a greeter. The former president said he wasn’t mad but the hardware store’s owner got a little nervous when Bush picked up some screws and asked to see the man’s thumbs.

Hershey has closed the plant in Reading, Pennsylvania that made York Peppermint Patties and moved production to Mexico. You’ll be able to easily spot the Mexican candies because the Mexican name of the company is Jershey.

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