Monday, February 23, 2009

Slum-Dodge Millionaire

President appointed a former Secret Service agent to oversee the $787 billion economic stimulus plan. His main job will be to throw himself between the money and Republican senators who didn’t support it.

According to the Neilson Company, the average American older than 2 years watched television for 151 hours per month in the fourth quarter, a new record. The number would have been even higher, but Neilson doesn’t count people who fell asleep watching The Tonight Show.

A New York City bartender honored the Academy Awards with a $1,000 cocktail. I think it’s called the Slum-grog Millionaire.

At a Buddhist temple in Japan, about 9,000 men wearing nothing but loincloths fought for two pieces of sacred wood in order to be proclaimed the “man of fortune for the year.” Back before they banned booze in the clubhouse, that’s also how the Yankees celebrated the start of spring training.

A Web site that sells hair says the number of people trying to sell their locks has quadrupled during the last year because of the economy. You know things are bad when Bill Gates is replaced as the World’s Richest Man by a guy who sweeps floors at Supercuts.

Former President Bill Clinton and his former Vice President, Al Gore, were the featured speakers at a clean energy conference. It was just like old times as Gore put everyone to sleep and Clinton couldn’t get pulled away from the models in the solar-powered tanning booths.

Preliminary results showed that ratings for this year's Academy Awards were up 6 percent over last year, but it was still the third least-watched Oscars show ever. As a result, Hugh Jackman is no longer being considered for the lead in “The Billy Crystal Story.”

American Express is offering $300 to customers who cancel their cards as a way to “simplify” their finances. American Express will pay for the buyout by selling the customer names to the Democratic Party.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to the Supreme Court bench this week for the first time since undergoing pancreatic cancer surgery earlier this month. Out of habit, Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up his first “welcome back” speech and had to do it again with no reporters around.

Did you see all the celebrations in the slums of India after "Slumdog Millionaire" won eight Oscars? President Obama is thinking about doing the same thing for Detroit by replacing his Chrysler bailout with funding for a movie called Slum-Dodge Millionaire.

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