Your job is now NoMo

Jerry Seinfeld is returning to TV as the producer of a comic reality series where a real-life couple involved in a marital argument will get questioned by a team of celebrities. I think it’s called “I’ve Got A Secret Lover.”

JPMorgan Chase announced it will eliminate about 12,000 positions as part of its acquisition of Washington Mutual. If you worked for WaMu, your job is now NoMo.

Dustin Hoffman was made an honorary commander in France's National Order of Arts and Letters. Based on his reputation for being difficult to work with, he’s the idol of all French waiters.

Researchers studying the 380 million-year-old fossils of armored placoderm fish have determined that the animals were having sex 30 million years earlier than previously thought. It appears that the male placoderm was able to bend its body so that it could kneel down and beg.

The United Nations war crimes tribunal in the Hague has acquitted former Serbian President Milan Milutinovic of committing war crimes. His first congratulatory call came from Dick Cheney, who asked for a copy of his notes.

An Arkansas state Senate panel has rejected a bill that would allow concealed handguns in Arkansas churches. This was a big disappointment to the parishioners at Our Lady of Good Aim.

Pro basketball Hall of Fame member Dave Bing is running for mayor of Detroit, where he starred for the Pistons. Bing is a safe choice since he got all of his sex and drug scandals out of the way while he was in the NBA.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is all over the Internet after someone noticed that his speaking voice resembles Jack McBrayer’s character Kenneth the Page on “30 Rock.” If Al Gore decides to run for president in 2012, “30 Rock” cast members Alec Baldwin, McBrayer and Tina Fey will have a lock on the presidential impersonator business.

A Chinese naval destroyer rescued an Italian merchant ship that was about to be attacked by pirates off the coast of Somalia. They got away when the racist pirates couldn’t stop laughing after hearing the Chinese captain say he was going to make them walk the “prank.”

Investigators have found that the son of Illinois Senator Roland Burris got a $75,000-a-year job from former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich five months ago. Burris claims it had nothing to do with him getting appointed senator because his son had to pass a rigorous exam before being hired to carry Blago’s hair spray.

Police in Michigan arrested three teens for stealing a safe full of antique money afdfter one of them tried to get change at a bank for a $1,000 bill. The teen was wrestled to the ground by the bank’s president who thought he had stolen the thousand-dollar bill from his bailout money.

The winner of an ice fishing contest in Wisconsin disqualified himself and returned the first prize pickup truck after he was caught cheating. Officials got suspicious when the frozen fish he turned in appeared to have had the bread crumbs scraped off.

At its annual shareholder meeting, Apple officials announced that CEO Steve Jobs will return to work in June. Anyone who doubted them was ordered to turn in their iPhones and iMacs and leave the building.