Robert J. "Joe" Halderman, David Letterman’s extortionist, was arraigned in a Manhattan court. He pleaded not guilty to grand larceny and guilty to providing the rest of the late-night talk show hosts with a week’s worth of jokes.
October 3rd was the one-year anniversary of TARP, the Troubled Asset Relief Program that gave away $700 million in taxpayer money. To celebrate the birthday, I went out and spanked some bankers.
Michael David Barrett was arrested in Chicago and charged with taking those nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews through a hotel room peephole. Andrews picked him out of a police lineup of six guys squinting with one eye.
The city council in Providence, R.I., voted to close a legal loophole that allowed girls under age 18 to perform as strippers. The thing that underage dancers swing around on while performing is called a “stripper Polanski.”
American Idol judge Simon Cowell celebrated his 50th birthday over the weekend at a party near London attended by celebrity guests, including Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul. To avoid an accident, Simon asked Paula not to help him blow out the candles.
President and Mrs. Obama celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary over the weekend with dinner at an elegant restaurant called the Blue Duck Tavern. The Secret Service had to kick out one conservative chef who wanted to serve Obama crow.
A photograph of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s identity card shows that his name used to be Sabourjian – a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver. This could be just the birther controversy that will finally bring Ahmadinejad and Obama together.
New York City’s Education Department has banned bake sales as school fundraisers to keep students away from eating too much sugar and fats. Schoolchildren will now have to raise funds the old-fashioned way – by stealing lunch money from the younger kids.
Todd Palin has quit his oil field job as a production operator for BP PLC. He still plans to keep his fishing job so he can keep his lying skills sharp for Sarah’s presidential campaign.
Tesla Motors, makers of the $109,000 Roadster electric car, announced a maintenance plan where mechanics will travel to owners' homes to do repairs and tuneups. Sounds like the Tesla service department is run by health insurance company.
The New York Red Bulls pro soccer team is building a new stadium in New Jersey that will be used for soccer only. Based on how Americans support major league soccer, this will be the first vacant lot that someone spends $200 million on to turn into a vacant lot.
British archaeologists have discovered a smaller circle of stones near Stonehenge that they’ve named Bluehenge. Sounds like the perfect vacation spot for Druids who can’t afford Stonehenge’s high admission price.
Cirque du Soleil founder turned space tourist Guy Laliberte is clowning around on the International Space Station. NASA says he’s funny, but not as funny as watching rookie astronauts not used to weightlessness trying to use the space toilet.
McDonald’s is opening a restaurant and a McCafe in the Louvre museum in Paris next month. They’re hoping museum patrons will enjoy the new menu featuring the Big Mac-elangelo and Mona lattes.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Planes on a snake
Two teenage brothers in Australia turned in more than $86,000 they found in a creek while fishing. Being typical fishermen, they told their friends they found $172,000.
A California man charged with throwing thousands of golf balls out his car window in Joshua Tree National Park claims he did it to honor dead golfers. He got caught when park rangers found a mountain lion whacking his golf balls at tourists and pretending to be a Tiger.
Scientists at the Everglades National Park speculate that an African rock python and a Burmese python could mate in the Florida swamp and produce a huge, possibly man-eating hybrid. With the new species expected to reach well over twenty feet long, small airports nearby are cautioning pilots not to accidentally land their planes on a snake.
Former George W. Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer's new book reveals that Bush once said of Jimmy Carter: "If I'm ever eighty-two years old and acting like that have someone put me away." Secret Service agents had to stop a number of people yelling, “Why wait?”
David Hasselhoff’s 17-year-old daughter called paramedics to take him to the hospital because he was drunk, but Hasselhoff says it was just a bad reaction to some medication for an ear infection. The Hoff has invited Pierce Morgan and Sharon Osborne over so he has enough votes to kick his daughter out.
A new book reveals that Barack Obama didn’t like the slogan “Yes we can” when it was first proposed to him during the 2004 Illinois Senate race because he thought it was “childish.” He gave in when Michelle called him a big baby.
In the book "Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage," Christopher Andersen say Michelle Obama shot down Hillary Clinton as a potential vice president because she didn’t want her and Bill down the hall in the White House. Especially after the Secret Service said she couldn’t cover the doorknobs to her bedroom with Vaseline.
New York Governor David Paterson says he’ll run in 2010 even though President Obama asked him not to. Obama would rather have someone with a better chance of winning and has narrowed his list down to everyone else in New York except Al Sharpton and the Mets.
President Obama played 18 holes of golf with New York Times columnist Tom Friedman. No one would say who won, but Friedman kept complaining that the course was not flat.
The Emmy Awards did well in the ratings thanks to emcee Neil Patrick Harris. Harris couldn’t wait to rub the ratings in the noses of last year’s emcees who kept referring to him as “Doogie Hoster.”
Rocker Courtney Love allegedly went nuts when someone at a party opened an unlocked bathroom door and saw her on the toilet with her skirt around her ankles. Courtney just hates people seeing her like that without paying for a concert ticket first.
A Huntsville, Ala., defense contractor was the high bidder at $63,000 in an eBay auction for dinner with Sarah and Todd Palin. According to the rules, the dinner will not exceed four hours, no politics will be discussed and the winner must not wear Levis.
A California man charged with throwing thousands of golf balls out his car window in Joshua Tree National Park claims he did it to honor dead golfers. He got caught when park rangers found a mountain lion whacking his golf balls at tourists and pretending to be a Tiger.
Scientists at the Everglades National Park speculate that an African rock python and a Burmese python could mate in the Florida swamp and produce a huge, possibly man-eating hybrid. With the new species expected to reach well over twenty feet long, small airports nearby are cautioning pilots not to accidentally land their planes on a snake.
Former George W. Bush speechwriter Matt Latimer's new book reveals that Bush once said of Jimmy Carter: "If I'm ever eighty-two years old and acting like that have someone put me away." Secret Service agents had to stop a number of people yelling, “Why wait?”
David Hasselhoff’s 17-year-old daughter called paramedics to take him to the hospital because he was drunk, but Hasselhoff says it was just a bad reaction to some medication for an ear infection. The Hoff has invited Pierce Morgan and Sharon Osborne over so he has enough votes to kick his daughter out.
A new book reveals that Barack Obama didn’t like the slogan “Yes we can” when it was first proposed to him during the 2004 Illinois Senate race because he thought it was “childish.” He gave in when Michelle called him a big baby.
In the book "Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage," Christopher Andersen say Michelle Obama shot down Hillary Clinton as a potential vice president because she didn’t want her and Bill down the hall in the White House. Especially after the Secret Service said she couldn’t cover the doorknobs to her bedroom with Vaseline.
New York Governor David Paterson says he’ll run in 2010 even though President Obama asked him not to. Obama would rather have someone with a better chance of winning and has narrowed his list down to everyone else in New York except Al Sharpton and the Mets.
President Obama played 18 holes of golf with New York Times columnist Tom Friedman. No one would say who won, but Friedman kept complaining that the course was not flat.
The Emmy Awards did well in the ratings thanks to emcee Neil Patrick Harris. Harris couldn’t wait to rub the ratings in the noses of last year’s emcees who kept referring to him as “Doogie Hoster.”
Rocker Courtney Love allegedly went nuts when someone at a party opened an unlocked bathroom door and saw her on the toilet with her skirt around her ankles. Courtney just hates people seeing her like that without paying for a concert ticket first.
A Huntsville, Ala., defense contractor was the high bidder at $63,000 in an eBay auction for dinner with Sarah and Todd Palin. According to the rules, the dinner will not exceed four hours, no politics will be discussed and the winner must not wear Levis.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Like reprimanding a congressman
According to a new study reported in the journal Child Development, spanking 1-year-old children leads to more aggressive behavior and less sophisticated cognitive development in the next two years. Kind of like reprimanding a congressman.
Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the company became "cash-flow positive" during the second quarter and has 300 million users worldwide. I can’t believe I didn’t see one tweet on this story.
During an interview, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said that by not reforming Wall Street now, we are “sowing the seeds of a future crisis.” No, wait, that’s what he said about not throwing away his little black book.
A team of U.S. astronomers used one of the world's most advanced new telescopic instruments to take pictures of the black hole in the middle of the Milky Way galaxy. Glenn Beck wants to know when our tax dollars will be spent on looking at white holes.
Bob Dylan will premiere some of his new paintings at an exhibition at the National Gallery of Denmark next year. They’ll be easy to spot because they’re fuzzy and make no sense.
A judge in Barcelona, Spain, ruled that swearing at your boss is not grounds for dismissal. Here’s an eerie coincidence … the name of the Spanish man who swore at his boss was José Wilson.
Astronomers have discovered the first planet outside of our solar system that is solid and not a ball of gas. There goes Rush Limbaugh’s dream of having a planet named after him.
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has a cracked rib. McNabb is expected to recover from the injury quickly because his doctor wrapped his chest in a bandage featuring a photo of Michael Vick.
Two-time Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, who injured her Achilles’ tendon on “Dancing With The Stars,” is getting back together with her teammate Kerri Walsh for a tournament. Walsh is a little worried about May-Traynor getting hurt again since she’ll be the only person at the event watching Misty’s ankle.
A Colorado couple getting married in Vancouver, British Columbia, has hired a ventriloquist's dummy to perform the ceremony. All of the dummy’s moves will be controlled by a female ventriloquist, giving the groom a good look at what his future holds.
Sean Penn, not yet divorced from Robin Wright, has been spotted in New York with Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Jessica White. At the next meeting with Robin’s lawyer to discuss the divorce settlement, Sean is going to be a dead man weeping.
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he injured his foot rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars.” Tom still isn’t used to having both feet on the ground instead of one in his mouth.
ACORN has ordered an independent investigation of two employees who were caught on camera appearing to advise a couple posing as a prostitute and pimp to lie about the woman's profession. The employees also got a thank-you note from the Republican National Committee for the good idea.
Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the company became "cash-flow positive" during the second quarter and has 300 million users worldwide. I can’t believe I didn’t see one tweet on this story.
During an interview, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said that by not reforming Wall Street now, we are “sowing the seeds of a future crisis.” No, wait, that’s what he said about not throwing away his little black book.
A team of U.S. astronomers used one of the world's most advanced new telescopic instruments to take pictures of the black hole in the middle of the Milky Way galaxy. Glenn Beck wants to know when our tax dollars will be spent on looking at white holes.
Bob Dylan will premiere some of his new paintings at an exhibition at the National Gallery of Denmark next year. They’ll be easy to spot because they’re fuzzy and make no sense.
A judge in Barcelona, Spain, ruled that swearing at your boss is not grounds for dismissal. Here’s an eerie coincidence … the name of the Spanish man who swore at his boss was José Wilson.
Astronomers have discovered the first planet outside of our solar system that is solid and not a ball of gas. There goes Rush Limbaugh’s dream of having a planet named after him.
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has a cracked rib. McNabb is expected to recover from the injury quickly because his doctor wrapped his chest in a bandage featuring a photo of Michael Vick.
Two-time Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, who injured her Achilles’ tendon on “Dancing With The Stars,” is getting back together with her teammate Kerri Walsh for a tournament. Walsh is a little worried about May-Traynor getting hurt again since she’ll be the only person at the event watching Misty’s ankle.
A Colorado couple getting married in Vancouver, British Columbia, has hired a ventriloquist's dummy to perform the ceremony. All of the dummy’s moves will be controlled by a female ventriloquist, giving the groom a good look at what his future holds.
Sean Penn, not yet divorced from Robin Wright, has been spotted in New York with Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Jessica White. At the next meeting with Robin’s lawyer to discuss the divorce settlement, Sean is going to be a dead man weeping.
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he injured his foot rehearsing for “Dancing with the Stars.” Tom still isn’t used to having both feet on the ground instead of one in his mouth.
ACORN has ordered an independent investigation of two employees who were caught on camera appearing to advise a couple posing as a prostitute and pimp to lie about the woman's profession. The employees also got a thank-you note from the Republican National Committee for the good idea.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
A bug zapper?
Volkswagen announced it will unveil a new electric car called the E-Up at this week's Frankfurt Auto Show. If the E-Up electric car replaces the Beetle, will that make it a bug zapper?
During an interview on CNBC, President Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. In response, Osama bin Laden released another audio tape with the message, “What am I, chopped liver?”
Vice President Joe Biden made an unannounced trip to Baghdad to show that the White House is still focused on Iraq. Biden isn’t worried about reporters throwing shoes at him … he’s got plenty of experience catching feet in his mouth.
According to a new book by former White House speechwriter Matt Latimer, President Bush mocked other politicians behind their backs, saying Hillary Clinton had a “fat keister.” Hillary took it as a compliment because Bush is the only president who seemed to notice her keister at all.
Congressman Joe Wilson's wife Roxanne said in a campaign video that after the president’s speech she asked her husband, “Joe, who's the nut that hollered out, 'you lie'?” She didn’t recognize it because at home he hollers at her using his “inside” voice.
Reporters are barred from Sarah Palin's speech to investors in China later this month. Rumor has it it’s a new campaign strategy she’s testing out for a possible 2012 presidential run.
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush was released from prison after nine months and accused Iraqi security forces of torturing him with beatings, whippings and electric shocks. If he thinks that’s torture, he’d better hope he never finds himself alone in a room with Bush’s mother, Barbara.
A 107-year-old woman in Malaysia who been married 22 times says she’s afraid her husband will leave her and she’ll have to start looking for number 23. She’s been married so many times, the marriage license bureau in Kuala Lumpur just stamps her hand.
President Obama's next-door neighbors in Chicago have put their 6,000-square-foot house up for sale. They want to be out before Halloween when they expect to be swamped by thousands of kids dressed like Joe Wilson looking for the l liar’s house.
Jessica Simpson posted on her Twitter page that a coyote ran off with her dog, a maltipoo given to her by ex-husband Nick Lachey. She got a tweet back from Paris Hilton telling her a place to buy a purse covered in coyote repellant.
A hotel in Aruba is offering a $300 “conception credit” to couples who can prove they conceived a child while staying there. To get the reward, the couple needs a doctor’s note confirming the conception date, not just a hotel receipt and a torn condom.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to turn a soon-to-be-closed prison building in Virginia into the nation's first chicken empathy museum. I think it’s going to be called the Guggen-hen.
During an interview on CNBC, President Obama called Kanye West a "jackass" for interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards. In response, Osama bin Laden released another audio tape with the message, “What am I, chopped liver?”
Vice President Joe Biden made an unannounced trip to Baghdad to show that the White House is still focused on Iraq. Biden isn’t worried about reporters throwing shoes at him … he’s got plenty of experience catching feet in his mouth.
According to a new book by former White House speechwriter Matt Latimer, President Bush mocked other politicians behind their backs, saying Hillary Clinton had a “fat keister.” Hillary took it as a compliment because Bush is the only president who seemed to notice her keister at all.
Congressman Joe Wilson's wife Roxanne said in a campaign video that after the president’s speech she asked her husband, “Joe, who's the nut that hollered out, 'you lie'?” She didn’t recognize it because at home he hollers at her using his “inside” voice.
Reporters are barred from Sarah Palin's speech to investors in China later this month. Rumor has it it’s a new campaign strategy she’s testing out for a possible 2012 presidential run.
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush was released from prison after nine months and accused Iraqi security forces of torturing him with beatings, whippings and electric shocks. If he thinks that’s torture, he’d better hope he never finds himself alone in a room with Bush’s mother, Barbara.
A 107-year-old woman in Malaysia who been married 22 times says she’s afraid her husband will leave her and she’ll have to start looking for number 23. She’s been married so many times, the marriage license bureau in Kuala Lumpur just stamps her hand.
President Obama's next-door neighbors in Chicago have put their 6,000-square-foot house up for sale. They want to be out before Halloween when they expect to be swamped by thousands of kids dressed like Joe Wilson looking for the l liar’s house.
Jessica Simpson posted on her Twitter page that a coyote ran off with her dog, a maltipoo given to her by ex-husband Nick Lachey. She got a tweet back from Paris Hilton telling her a place to buy a purse covered in coyote repellant.
A hotel in Aruba is offering a $300 “conception credit” to couples who can prove they conceived a child while staying there. To get the reward, the couple needs a doctor’s note confirming the conception date, not just a hotel receipt and a torn condom.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to turn a soon-to-be-closed prison building in Virginia into the nation's first chicken empathy museum. I think it’s going to be called the Guggen-hen.
Friday, September 11, 2009
“You lie!” instead of “down!”
In support of South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson, Republican dog owners across the nation are training their pooches to respond to the command “You lie!” instead of “down!”
Fran Drescher, the former star of “The Nanny,” is in talks with both Fox and MSNBC about hosting a talk show. Executives at Fox hope she chooses their network because it has a lot of other hosts who could use a nanny.
Gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya have determined she has internal male sexual organs, making her what some call a “hermaphrodite.” As a result, she’s getting job offers to become a U.S. congressional page from Republican politicians looking for a loophole.
Because a fungus is killing rubber trees in Southeast Asia and South Africa, scientists are testing the Russian dandelion, which was used during World War II to make natural latex. Dandelion latex can’t be used for condoms because it has a natural tendency to spread its seeds.
The courts are having a hard time rounding up jurors for the upcoming trial of alleged New York mobster John A. "Junior" Gotti. Many prospective jurors are calling in sick to avoid calling in dead.
Former "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul said on her Twitter page that she thinks Ellen DeGeneres will make a great judge on the show. I’ll believe it when Paula tells Ellen how to operate the secret compartment under the judges table where she keep her booze.
A Florida TV station reports that last July police stopped four men on a terror watch list who were spotted driving past the Daytona International Speedway and taking pictures. The cops got suspicious when the they noticed the men were not wearing baseball caps, did not have beer bellies and never once asked the ladies they were photographing to lift their tops.
A Catholic choirmaster in Italy who switched genders last year says it’s the reason she was fired from her job at a cathedral after 18 years of service. The pastor claims it was her new version of Amazing Grace called Amazing Greg.
Two North Carolina men were charged with stealing 16 snakes, 11 frogs and five lizards from a pet store. The men were caught selling the stolen reptiles after discovering none of them taste like chicken.
Because of a trademark violation, a New York state man was banned by a federal judge from painting the Viagra slogan on his 25-foot replica of a missile. It was OK when the missile was on the ground but Pfizer objected when he erected it.
Scientists say fibers found in a cave in Russia’s Caucasus Mountains are over 30,000 years old, making them the earliest known fibers made by humans. The fibers appear to have been from clothing worn by a caveman because they contain the world’s oldest skid marks.
General Motors has a new program called “May The Best Car Win” which guarantees car buyers that if they don't like their new GM vehicle, they can return it within 60 days for a full refund. Since the government owns General Motors, does this mean we can get the same guarantee on senators and Congress members?
Fran Drescher, the former star of “The Nanny,” is in talks with both Fox and MSNBC about hosting a talk show. Executives at Fox hope she chooses their network because it has a lot of other hosts who could use a nanny.
Gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya have determined she has internal male sexual organs, making her what some call a “hermaphrodite.” As a result, she’s getting job offers to become a U.S. congressional page from Republican politicians looking for a loophole.
Because a fungus is killing rubber trees in Southeast Asia and South Africa, scientists are testing the Russian dandelion, which was used during World War II to make natural latex. Dandelion latex can’t be used for condoms because it has a natural tendency to spread its seeds.
The courts are having a hard time rounding up jurors for the upcoming trial of alleged New York mobster John A. "Junior" Gotti. Many prospective jurors are calling in sick to avoid calling in dead.
Former "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul said on her Twitter page that she thinks Ellen DeGeneres will make a great judge on the show. I’ll believe it when Paula tells Ellen how to operate the secret compartment under the judges table where she keep her booze.
A Florida TV station reports that last July police stopped four men on a terror watch list who were spotted driving past the Daytona International Speedway and taking pictures. The cops got suspicious when the they noticed the men were not wearing baseball caps, did not have beer bellies and never once asked the ladies they were photographing to lift their tops.
A Catholic choirmaster in Italy who switched genders last year says it’s the reason she was fired from her job at a cathedral after 18 years of service. The pastor claims it was her new version of Amazing Grace called Amazing Greg.
Two North Carolina men were charged with stealing 16 snakes, 11 frogs and five lizards from a pet store. The men were caught selling the stolen reptiles after discovering none of them taste like chicken.
Because of a trademark violation, a New York state man was banned by a federal judge from painting the Viagra slogan on his 25-foot replica of a missile. It was OK when the missile was on the ground but Pfizer objected when he erected it.
Scientists say fibers found in a cave in Russia’s Caucasus Mountains are over 30,000 years old, making them the earliest known fibers made by humans. The fibers appear to have been from clothing worn by a caveman because they contain the world’s oldest skid marks.
General Motors has a new program called “May The Best Car Win” which guarantees car buyers that if they don't like their new GM vehicle, they can return it within 60 days for a full refund. Since the government owns General Motors, does this mean we can get the same guarantee on senators and Congress members?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
A female comedian wearing a Groucho mustache
South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson continues to apologize to those who were offended when he called President Obama a liar during his speech to Congress on health care reform. Today he apologized to members of the Liars Club, people who play liars poker and anyone whose pants have ever caught on fire.
Joe Wilson has become the new poster child for everything that’s wrong with the Republican Party. His office has been swamped with thousands of phone calls, half of them from Sarah Palin thanking him.
According to the latest polls, South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson is now less popular than used car salesmen, Michael Vick and the guy who decided to continue running Billy Mays’ commercials.
President Obama has accepted the apology of Congressman Joe Wilson. He even invited Wilson over to the White House to have a beer with Pinocchio.
John Stossel is leaving ABC News and “20/20” for Fox, where he'll host a weekly show on Fox Business and host a series of specials for Fox News. Following a trend started by “American Idol,” ABC plans to replace Stossel with a female comedian wearing a Groucho mustache.
“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen got the job after promising to not break down and cry every time Randy called someone a “dawg.”
“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen says she’ll represent the voice of the shows fans, which means she’ll spend most of her time getting between the camera and Kara DioGuardi.
The preacher who hijacked a jet in Mexico City claims he did it because God told him he had to warn Mexicans of an earthquake coming on 09/09/09. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s in trouble with God because he pointed to the sky as he was being arrested and yelled, “You lie!”
Oprah Winfrey says she wants to interview Jaycee Dugard, the woman who escaped after being kidnapped 18 years ago. If she does, audience members that day will each be given an 18-year-old car.
Police in Turkey stormed an Istanbul villa and rescued to nine captive women who thought they were being filmed in their bathing suits for a television reality show. The women got suspicious when they noticed the host filling their hot tub by drooling in it.
Paul McCartney says he hasn't played "The Beatles: Rock Band," the new video game featuring Beatles music. Ringo says he wants to play it but can’t figure out where to put his quarter in.
In a trademark dispute, McDonald's has forced a restaurant in Toronto to change its name from McFalafel. The owner plans to change the name to “Did You know His Real Name Is Ronald Osama McDonald?”
The National Football League has decided to allow fans whose local teams' games are blacked out because they haven’t sold out to watch a delayed broadcast online. This is great news for Detroit Lions fans who can fast-forward through the boring parts and just watch the cheerleaders.
Joe Wilson has become the new poster child for everything that’s wrong with the Republican Party. His office has been swamped with thousands of phone calls, half of them from Sarah Palin thanking him.
According to the latest polls, South Carolina congressman Joe Wilson is now less popular than used car salesmen, Michael Vick and the guy who decided to continue running Billy Mays’ commercials.
President Obama has accepted the apology of Congressman Joe Wilson. He even invited Wilson over to the White House to have a beer with Pinocchio.
John Stossel is leaving ABC News and “20/20” for Fox, where he'll host a weekly show on Fox Business and host a series of specials for Fox News. Following a trend started by “American Idol,” ABC plans to replace Stossel with a female comedian wearing a Groucho mustache.
“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen got the job after promising to not break down and cry every time Randy called someone a “dawg.”
“American Idol” is replacing Paula Abdul with talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres as the show’s fourth judge. Ellen says she’ll represent the voice of the shows fans, which means she’ll spend most of her time getting between the camera and Kara DioGuardi.
The preacher who hijacked a jet in Mexico City claims he did it because God told him he had to warn Mexicans of an earthquake coming on 09/09/09. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s in trouble with God because he pointed to the sky as he was being arrested and yelled, “You lie!”
Oprah Winfrey says she wants to interview Jaycee Dugard, the woman who escaped after being kidnapped 18 years ago. If she does, audience members that day will each be given an 18-year-old car.
Police in Turkey stormed an Istanbul villa and rescued to nine captive women who thought they were being filmed in their bathing suits for a television reality show. The women got suspicious when they noticed the host filling their hot tub by drooling in it.
Paul McCartney says he hasn't played "The Beatles: Rock Band," the new video game featuring Beatles music. Ringo says he wants to play it but can’t figure out where to put his quarter in.
In a trademark dispute, McDonald's has forced a restaurant in Toronto to change its name from McFalafel. The owner plans to change the name to “Did You know His Real Name Is Ronald Osama McDonald?”
The National Football League has decided to allow fans whose local teams' games are blacked out because they haven’t sold out to watch a delayed broadcast online. This is great news for Detroit Lions fans who can fast-forward through the boring parts and just watch the cheerleaders.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Removing the ‘e’ in Middlesex
Humorist Garrison Keillor is recovering from a minor stroke but still plans to start his new season of "A Prairie Home Companion" in just over two weeks. Keillor got treated at the Mayo Clinic where all the orderlies are strong, all the nurses are good looking and all the doctors are above average.
Former Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned after sending sexy Internet messages to underage male interns, is set to host a radio talk show in Florida called “Inside the Mind of Mark Foley.” If you’re not in Florida, you can get an idea of what’s inside the mind of Mark Foley by listening to Howard Stern on “Male Strippers Day.”
Author Naomi Wolf is working on a new book tentatively titled A Cultural History of the Vagina. This is the first time that the words “culture” and “vagina” are on a product that has nothing to do with yeast infections.
E-mail spam filters have forced County Middlesex in Canada's province of Ontario to change its domain name by removing the ‘e’ in Middlesex. This is bad news for hundreds of porn sites that have been getting accidental visits from people looking for Middlesex by featuring videos of three-ways with a partner in the middle.
Australian firefighters rescued two girls lost in a storm drain who used their phones to post their predicament on their Facebook pages instead of calling the police. They’re OK and now have over 300 friend request from Dungeons and Dragons players.
A member of Sweden’s parliament is recommending bowing instead of shaking hands or hugging to stop the spread of swine flu. His fellow politicians think it’s a good idea unless they get a chance to meet Michelle Obama or Carla Bruni.
A judge in Ohio is ordering defendants to wear neon green T-shirts that say “I'm a thief” while they perform court-ordered community service. You know, we’d probably have less problems on Wall Street if CEOs accepting bailout money had to wear similar neon green pinstripe suits.
A single UPS delivery truck got the most parking violations in Denver last year with parking 196 tickets having fines of nearly $5,700. In Denver, the answer to the question “What can Brown do for you?” is “Carry a roll of quarters.”
A man and his son won their respective age divisions in the cricket-spitting contest at the Central Wisconsin State Fair. Their wife and mom said this is going to really screw up the seating at Thanksgiving dinner this year.
Former Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned after sending sexy Internet messages to underage male interns, is set to host a radio talk show in Florida called “Inside the Mind of Mark Foley.” If you’re not in Florida, you can get an idea of what’s inside the mind of Mark Foley by listening to Howard Stern on “Male Strippers Day.”
Author Naomi Wolf is working on a new book tentatively titled A Cultural History of the Vagina. This is the first time that the words “culture” and “vagina” are on a product that has nothing to do with yeast infections.
E-mail spam filters have forced County Middlesex in Canada's province of Ontario to change its domain name by removing the ‘e’ in Middlesex. This is bad news for hundreds of porn sites that have been getting accidental visits from people looking for Middlesex by featuring videos of three-ways with a partner in the middle.
Australian firefighters rescued two girls lost in a storm drain who used their phones to post their predicament on their Facebook pages instead of calling the police. They’re OK and now have over 300 friend request from Dungeons and Dragons players.
A member of Sweden’s parliament is recommending bowing instead of shaking hands or hugging to stop the spread of swine flu. His fellow politicians think it’s a good idea unless they get a chance to meet Michelle Obama or Carla Bruni.
A judge in Ohio is ordering defendants to wear neon green T-shirts that say “I'm a thief” while they perform court-ordered community service. You know, we’d probably have less problems on Wall Street if CEOs accepting bailout money had to wear similar neon green pinstripe suits.
A single UPS delivery truck got the most parking violations in Denver last year with parking 196 tickets having fines of nearly $5,700. In Denver, the answer to the question “What can Brown do for you?” is “Carry a roll of quarters.”
A man and his son won their respective age divisions in the cricket-spitting contest at the Central Wisconsin State Fair. Their wife and mom said this is going to really screw up the seating at Thanksgiving dinner this year.
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