Sarah Palin, her daughter Bristol and their babies are on the cover of In Touch magazine. They chose to do their exclusive interview with In Touch because there’s no magazine called Out of Touch.
Former USC coach Pete Carroll says he’s excited to be coaching the Seattle Seahawks because “they have embraced my approach.” Starting today, parents of Seahawks players can stop by a Seattle car dealership to pick up their free vehicles.
First lady Michelle Obama unveiled a new hairdo this week. Reporters are camped outside the offices of Don Imus and Harry Reid to see which one will be the first to describe it as “nappy.”
According to the World Health Organization, nearly half of all births in China are delivered by cesarean section. Experts say Chinese mothers would feel more comfortable about natural childbirth if their doctors switched from forceps to chopsticks.
Pope Benedict XVI met with the woman who knocked him over at St. Peter's Basilica during Christmas Eve Mass and forgave her. He didn’t want to forgive her but his PR guy said it would be accepted better than an exorcism.
Rumors are flying that Tiger Woods has checked into an Arizona sex rehab center. It’s called the “Stop Thinking About Betty Ford Clinic.”
Hugh Hefner has broken up with the 20-year-old Shannon Twins and is down to one girlfriend, 23-year-old Crystal Harris. They got the news when Hef put two-thirds of his Viagra collection up for sale on eBay.
After seeing the movie ‘Avatar,’ some people who are upset because their real lives are nothing like Pandora are becoming depressed and even suicidal. Psychologists suggest that people who feel this way should immediately buy another ticket and go see “The Hangover.”
The Vatican’s official newspaper and radio station reviewed ‘Avatar’ and called it bland, simplistic and sappy. In other words, the kind of movie the pope thinks Catholics should see.
Researchers in Italy say the bark of a French pine tree contains anti-oxidants that may help patients with hemorrhoids. Unfortunately, most health insurance plans do not cover getting infested by pine beetles while rubbing your butt against a tree.
Paul Thurmond, the son of late Senator Strom Thurmond, says he may run for an open congressional seat in South Carolina. The 34-year-old Thurmond wants to run while he still has 66 good years left in him.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Cotton balls, alcohol and a giant eraser
Carnival Cruise Lines turned down a request to book a cruise with a “cougars and cubs” theme catering to older women and younger men because it was against their “family” image. The group plans to try again under the theme “aunts and nephews.”
A New York City cab driver returned over $21,000 in cash accidentally left in his cab on Christmas Eve by a lady visiting from Italy. Now the woman is looking for someone to launder the money for her … not because it’s illegal but because it smells like cab.
A Washington state blood center is offering donors a free brewski in a “Give blood, get beer” promotion. The biggest donor so far is a mysterious man with pale skin, sharp teeth and a large belly.
Fox has renewed the musical drama “Glee” for a second season. With Sarah Palin signing with the News Channel, Fox is now the go-to place for fans of Glee and Tea.
Scientists studying eye makeup from the time of the Egyptian pharaohs say women may have worn thick lead-based eyeliner to guard against bacterial eye infections. This explains why Cleopatra’s bathroom contained cotton balls, alcohol and a giant eraser.
According to a new survey, 57 percent of Americans approved of the way President Obama had responded to the botched Christmas airliner attack. The other 43 percent are currently in line to be scanned at the airport.
Population experts say China’s so-called "one-child policy" could leave 24 million men single by 2020. And by 2040, the Chinese language will no longer have a word for “lower the toilet seat.”
On a recent show, Rush Limbaugh made this comment about the late Senator Ted Kennedy: “It was Negroes that brought Ted Kennedy his booze.” If this was a game of Really Offensive Scrabble, Rush just got a triple-word score.
Simon Cowell says he’s leaving “American Idol” to host a U.S. version of “The X Factor” and it appears he wants Paula Abdul as a judge. To save money, instead of having three judges, Paula will be in charge of holding a two-sided card that says “Dawg” and “Pitchy.”
James Taylor and Carole King announced the dates for the U.S. leg of their upcoming tour celebrating the 40th anniversary of their first performance together. Catering to their fan base, the concerts will begin at 4pm, have frequent bathroom breaks and allow mumbling during the sing-along’s.
In answer to a question on steroids, former college basketball coach Bob Knight said, “Gatorade is a performance-enhancing substance.” Without Gatorade, Knight would have only been able to toss a footstool and choke a waterboy.
A New York City cab driver returned over $21,000 in cash accidentally left in his cab on Christmas Eve by a lady visiting from Italy. Now the woman is looking for someone to launder the money for her … not because it’s illegal but because it smells like cab.
A Washington state blood center is offering donors a free brewski in a “Give blood, get beer” promotion. The biggest donor so far is a mysterious man with pale skin, sharp teeth and a large belly.
Fox has renewed the musical drama “Glee” for a second season. With Sarah Palin signing with the News Channel, Fox is now the go-to place for fans of Glee and Tea.
Scientists studying eye makeup from the time of the Egyptian pharaohs say women may have worn thick lead-based eyeliner to guard against bacterial eye infections. This explains why Cleopatra’s bathroom contained cotton balls, alcohol and a giant eraser.
According to a new survey, 57 percent of Americans approved of the way President Obama had responded to the botched Christmas airliner attack. The other 43 percent are currently in line to be scanned at the airport.
Population experts say China’s so-called "one-child policy" could leave 24 million men single by 2020. And by 2040, the Chinese language will no longer have a word for “lower the toilet seat.”
On a recent show, Rush Limbaugh made this comment about the late Senator Ted Kennedy: “It was Negroes that brought Ted Kennedy his booze.” If this was a game of Really Offensive Scrabble, Rush just got a triple-word score.
Simon Cowell says he’s leaving “American Idol” to host a U.S. version of “The X Factor” and it appears he wants Paula Abdul as a judge. To save money, instead of having three judges, Paula will be in charge of holding a two-sided card that says “Dawg” and “Pitchy.”
James Taylor and Carole King announced the dates for the U.S. leg of their upcoming tour celebrating the 40th anniversary of their first performance together. Catering to their fan base, the concerts will begin at 4pm, have frequent bathroom breaks and allow mumbling during the sing-along’s.
In answer to a question on steroids, former college basketball coach Bob Knight said, “Gatorade is a performance-enhancing substance.” Without Gatorade, Knight would have only been able to toss a footstool and choke a waterboy.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Playing in the Greek Open
Wal-Mart has begun charging 15 cents for small shopping bags and 50 cents for large ones at three stores in California. Shoppers who don’t want to pay for bags should just buy a pack of gum on the way in and stick everything together on the way out.
A group of Italian street cleaners are suing local officials for forcing them to use their own money to wash their work clothes. Here’s a tip to help them get their clothes cleaned for free: listen to the lyrics to the Beatles’ “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”
Former child star Gary Coleman says the recent seizure he suffered caused him to twitch, jerk and foam at the mouth. If he can do that once a week, he could win it all on “Dancing With The Stars.”
Loredana Jolie, one of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses, claims she saw Tiger have sex with men. Now we know what he really meant when he said he was going overseas to play in the Greek Open.
A man posing as a Secret Service agent conned his way past security at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. He got caught when the sun came through the window and he didn’t have any sunglasses.
The latest craze on Facebook is women posting single word messages describing the color of their bra. People not in on the joke responded with a flurry of rumors that Lewis Black, Betty White and Sam Nunn had died.
Ford is adding Twitter messages to its in-car entertainment and communication service known as Sync. Drivers using this are warned to keep a safe distance between them and the car in front of them of 140 characters.
On his radio show, Glenn Beck said that “African-American” is not a race but “a bogus, PC, made-up term.” Kind of like “rational conservative talk-show host.”
The rumors are flying that NBC will move Jay Leno back to 11:35pm. This comes from a recent poll of Tonight Show viewers who said that NBC stands for “Not Buying Conan.”
Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani said in an interview that, “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we've had one under Obama.” Rudy then rolled over, turned to Susan Pleshette and said, “Honey, you won't believe the dream I just had.”
Portugal's parliament passed a bill that would make the predominantly Catholic nation the sixth in Europe to permit gay marriage. Opponents of the bill were unable to convince parliament that it will turn the nation’s official language from Portuguese to Portugander.
A group of Italian street cleaners are suing local officials for forcing them to use their own money to wash their work clothes. Here’s a tip to help them get their clothes cleaned for free: listen to the lyrics to the Beatles’ “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”
Former child star Gary Coleman says the recent seizure he suffered caused him to twitch, jerk and foam at the mouth. If he can do that once a week, he could win it all on “Dancing With The Stars.”
Loredana Jolie, one of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses, claims she saw Tiger have sex with men. Now we know what he really meant when he said he was going overseas to play in the Greek Open.
A man posing as a Secret Service agent conned his way past security at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. He got caught when the sun came through the window and he didn’t have any sunglasses.
The latest craze on Facebook is women posting single word messages describing the color of their bra. People not in on the joke responded with a flurry of rumors that Lewis Black, Betty White and Sam Nunn had died.
Ford is adding Twitter messages to its in-car entertainment and communication service known as Sync. Drivers using this are warned to keep a safe distance between them and the car in front of them of 140 characters.
On his radio show, Glenn Beck said that “African-American” is not a race but “a bogus, PC, made-up term.” Kind of like “rational conservative talk-show host.”
The rumors are flying that NBC will move Jay Leno back to 11:35pm. This comes from a recent poll of Tonight Show viewers who said that NBC stands for “Not Buying Conan.”
Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani said in an interview that, “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we've had one under Obama.” Rudy then rolled over, turned to Susan Pleshette and said, “Honey, you won't believe the dream I just had.”
Portugal's parliament passed a bill that would make the predominantly Catholic nation the sixth in Europe to permit gay marriage. Opponents of the bill were unable to convince parliament that it will turn the nation’s official language from Portuguese to Portugander.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Replace the crutches with sporks
A new biography of Warren Beatty claims the actor and filmmaker has had sex with around 13,000 women before marrying Annette Bening in 1992. He and Bening had to buy new furniture when they got married because Beatty had notched every piece of wood to sawdust.
The Secret Service is investigating an effigy of President Obama found hanging by a noose in a building in Plains, Georgia, the hometown of former President Jimmy Carter. A 5.0 earthquake that hit Plains shortly after the effigy was reported was traced to an angry Carter grinding his teeth.
Newark Airport was shut down for five hours after an unidentified man walked into a secure area and then disappeared. Good luck finding him. If he lives in Newark, he’s not afraid of airport security or disgruntled passengers.
A ring of international left-shoe thieves was busted by police in Sweden. If found guilty, the sentence for stealing left shoes is 5-to-10E.
A judge in Kingston, New York, took the oath of office with his hand placed on a dictionary because officials couldn’t find a Bible. A Bible was not required to make it official but, just to be on the safe side, the judge tore out the page with the definition of “atheism.”
Pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church in California posted an appeal on the church’s web site asking for $900,000 and raised over $2.4 million. Warren wanted to call it a “miracle” but his accountant asked him to hold off until he determined if miracles were tax-exempt.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says KFC is blocking its attempt to erect a statue in Louisville of a bloodied chicken on crutches. KFC says it’ll let the chicken statue go up if PETA replaces the crutches with sporks.
The New York City health department spent $32,000 in taxpayer money on a brochure advising heroin users on how to shoot up in a more healthful way. Step one is: “Find someone willing to trade you some smack for your book.”
Bulgaria has named an appliance for roasting peppers that country’s most revolutionary household device of the 20th century, finishing ahead of electricity, television and cell phones. Millions of Bulgarians are sending handwritten letters to the government asking where they can find these appliances when it’s not dark outside.
NASA scientists spent the sixth anniversary of the Spirit rover landing on Mars trying to help it get unstuck from a rut. Apparently ‘6’ in rover years is the same as ‘40’ in human years.
Rush Limbaugh’s doctors still can’t figure out what gave him chest pains that felt like a heart attack. Dick Cheney told Rush that if he sent over a 40-foot semi, Cheney would loan him one of his defibrillators.
Some Christmas trees in Arlington, Washington, were recycled by being made into food for goats on a goat farm. It’s more expensive than regular goat food but you save money down the road because the evergreen makes their chops already smell like mint jelly.
The 2,625-foot-tall Burj Dubai, the world's tallest building, has opened for business in the United Arab Emirates. The developer says it’s already at 90 percent occupancy, but the burqas make it hard to tell if it’s filled with female office workers or inflatable dolls.
A shirtless Tiger Woods is on the cover of the February issue of Vanity Fair magazine. If your local store doesn’t carry Vanity Fair, you can see the same picture by stopping any blonde on the street and asking to see her text message photos.
The Secret Service is investigating an effigy of President Obama found hanging by a noose in a building in Plains, Georgia, the hometown of former President Jimmy Carter. A 5.0 earthquake that hit Plains shortly after the effigy was reported was traced to an angry Carter grinding his teeth.
Newark Airport was shut down for five hours after an unidentified man walked into a secure area and then disappeared. Good luck finding him. If he lives in Newark, he’s not afraid of airport security or disgruntled passengers.
A ring of international left-shoe thieves was busted by police in Sweden. If found guilty, the sentence for stealing left shoes is 5-to-10E.
A judge in Kingston, New York, took the oath of office with his hand placed on a dictionary because officials couldn’t find a Bible. A Bible was not required to make it official but, just to be on the safe side, the judge tore out the page with the definition of “atheism.”
Pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church in California posted an appeal on the church’s web site asking for $900,000 and raised over $2.4 million. Warren wanted to call it a “miracle” but his accountant asked him to hold off until he determined if miracles were tax-exempt.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says KFC is blocking its attempt to erect a statue in Louisville of a bloodied chicken on crutches. KFC says it’ll let the chicken statue go up if PETA replaces the crutches with sporks.
The New York City health department spent $32,000 in taxpayer money on a brochure advising heroin users on how to shoot up in a more healthful way. Step one is: “Find someone willing to trade you some smack for your book.”
Bulgaria has named an appliance for roasting peppers that country’s most revolutionary household device of the 20th century, finishing ahead of electricity, television and cell phones. Millions of Bulgarians are sending handwritten letters to the government asking where they can find these appliances when it’s not dark outside.
NASA scientists spent the sixth anniversary of the Spirit rover landing on Mars trying to help it get unstuck from a rut. Apparently ‘6’ in rover years is the same as ‘40’ in human years.
Rush Limbaugh’s doctors still can’t figure out what gave him chest pains that felt like a heart attack. Dick Cheney told Rush that if he sent over a 40-foot semi, Cheney would loan him one of his defibrillators.
Some Christmas trees in Arlington, Washington, were recycled by being made into food for goats on a goat farm. It’s more expensive than regular goat food but you save money down the road because the evergreen makes their chops already smell like mint jelly.
The 2,625-foot-tall Burj Dubai, the world's tallest building, has opened for business in the United Arab Emirates. The developer says it’s already at 90 percent occupancy, but the burqas make it hard to tell if it’s filled with female office workers or inflatable dolls.
A shirtless Tiger Woods is on the cover of the February issue of Vanity Fair magazine. If your local store doesn’t carry Vanity Fair, you can see the same picture by stopping any blonde on the street and asking to see her text message photos.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Bar Stool Boy?
Rush Limbaugh’s doctor says his condition is stable. This is the first time the words “Limbaugh” and “stable” have ever been used together.
Rush Limbaugh says his chest started pounding after playing golf. It’s nice to finally hear a golf story where the pounding occurred above the waist.
Russia's space agency says it may launch a spacecraft to knock a large asteroid off course and reduce the chances of it hitting the earth in 2029. NASA says it isn’t worried but the plan has inspired Zager and Evans to get back together and work on an update to the song “2525.”
Lawyers for Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke say the couple wants to try getting back together. They haven’t seen each other since Charlie allegedly put a knife to Brooke’s throat, but they’ve asked their lawyers to test the waters by giving each other a hug.
Texas Tech fired head football coach Mike Leach after the coach allegedly locked an injured player in a dark room. On the positive side, Leach has already received an offer to coach at Baghdad Tech.
The motorized bar stool from a drunken driving case in Ohio is back up for sale after the winning bidder in an eBay auction failed to show up. The bidder got cold feet when it was revealed he planned to give it to his young son for a reality show called “Bar Stool Boy.”
A new poll found that President Barack Obama and his family are the people Americans would most like to have as neighbors. Who wouldn’t? They’ve got a basketball court and a swing set and you don’t have to be invited to come over and use them.
Oregon State Police says a suspicious object spotted by an employee at their Albany offices turned out to be a teddy bear
in a plastic bag. They called in the bomb squad anyway because the teddy bear had one eye missing and was wearing funny-looking underpants.
Federal transportation officials announced they'll add 150 full-body scanners to the 40 already operating in U.S. airports. And to help quickly train operators to evaluate naked pictures of passengers, they’re hiring Hugh Hefner as a consultant.
A California man was sentenced to six months of house arrest for illegally smuggling six endangered fish through a Los Angeles airport. He’s probably kicking himself for not disguising the fish as a bomb.
The New York City Health Department wants to ban smoking by both passengers and drivers in horse-drawn buggies in Central Park. Some drivers plan to switch to donkeys because no one would dare try to stop New Yorkers from blowing smoke up your ass.
A woman is suing a New York bar claiming she suffered injuries and "embarrassment" when a stuffed moose head fell off a wall and hit her on the head. Bar owners say this is becoming a serious problem whenever female customers get drunk and start swapping Sarah Palin stories.
A new road de-icer called Magic Salt is made from a byproduct of the vodka distilling process. Sales are slow because it’s more expensive than salt and not as much fun as drinking a pitcher of vodka martinis and urinating on the driveway.
Rush Limbaugh says his chest started pounding after playing golf. It’s nice to finally hear a golf story where the pounding occurred above the waist.
Russia's space agency says it may launch a spacecraft to knock a large asteroid off course and reduce the chances of it hitting the earth in 2029. NASA says it isn’t worried but the plan has inspired Zager and Evans to get back together and work on an update to the song “2525.”
Lawyers for Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke say the couple wants to try getting back together. They haven’t seen each other since Charlie allegedly put a knife to Brooke’s throat, but they’ve asked their lawyers to test the waters by giving each other a hug.
Texas Tech fired head football coach Mike Leach after the coach allegedly locked an injured player in a dark room. On the positive side, Leach has already received an offer to coach at Baghdad Tech.
The motorized bar stool from a drunken driving case in Ohio is back up for sale after the winning bidder in an eBay auction failed to show up. The bidder got cold feet when it was revealed he planned to give it to his young son for a reality show called “Bar Stool Boy.”
A new poll found that President Barack Obama and his family are the people Americans would most like to have as neighbors. Who wouldn’t? They’ve got a basketball court and a swing set and you don’t have to be invited to come over and use them.
Oregon State Police says a suspicious object spotted by an employee at their Albany offices turned out to be a teddy bear
in a plastic bag. They called in the bomb squad anyway because the teddy bear had one eye missing and was wearing funny-looking underpants.
Federal transportation officials announced they'll add 150 full-body scanners to the 40 already operating in U.S. airports. And to help quickly train operators to evaluate naked pictures of passengers, they’re hiring Hugh Hefner as a consultant.
A California man was sentenced to six months of house arrest for illegally smuggling six endangered fish through a Los Angeles airport. He’s probably kicking himself for not disguising the fish as a bomb.
The New York City Health Department wants to ban smoking by both passengers and drivers in horse-drawn buggies in Central Park. Some drivers plan to switch to donkeys because no one would dare try to stop New Yorkers from blowing smoke up your ass.
A woman is suing a New York bar claiming she suffered injuries and "embarrassment" when a stuffed moose head fell off a wall and hit her on the head. Bar owners say this is becoming a serious problem whenever female customers get drunk and start swapping Sarah Palin stories.
A new road de-icer called Magic Salt is made from a byproduct of the vodka distilling process. Sales are slow because it’s more expensive than salt and not as much fun as drinking a pitcher of vodka martinis and urinating on the driveway.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs
President Obama has ordered a review of key parts of aviation security. Specifically, the part where you look for the terrorist, the part where you find the terrorist and the part where you arrest the terrorist.
Police and federal agents in Phoenix detained two men for questioning after passengers aboard US Airways Flight 192 from Orlando, Fla., reported the men were acting suspiciously. Apparently they were the only people not complaining about the long wait, the probing questions and the body cavity searches.
According to a new poll, the top political winners of 2009 are Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Sonia Sotomayor. The original survey was a tie between all member of Congress until someone noticed that “winner” was spelled “w-e-i-n-e-r.”
Swedish cellphone users sent more than 76 million text message greetings on Christmas Eve to set a record. The most frequently texted message was “I THNK I SAW TGR WOODS WIFE.”
Amazon.com announced that the Amazon Kindle was the most gifted item in the company's history. Once people try using it, it’s expected to also break the record for the most re-gifted product in history.
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano now claims that when she said the security system worked when a man attempted to blow up a plane over Detroit, she meant the bureaucratic system that responded afterward. If this were the Bush administration, she’d be piloting a plane to Detroit’s airport where she’d be met by a “Mission Accomplished” sign.
A never-before published photograph has been found which appears to show John F. Kennedy in the mid-1950s on a boat filled with naked women. The party ended before JFK changed the title of his book to “Profiles in Her-age.”
Native American tribes tired of waiting for the U.S. government to honor centuries-old treaties are buying back land where their ancestors lived. Ironically, because of the real estate crash, the lands are again worth about $24 in beads, blankets and trinkets.
Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. A Nigerian plane flew longer but was disqualified when it began to smoke before landing.
Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. That includes a 10-second connection in Atlanta.
Jasper Schuringa, the Northwest flight passenger who reportedly subdued Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, is refusing to give any more interviews unless he get paid. And he wants double if the interviewer is Barbara Walters and she tries to make him cry.
Bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have already written an episode where he has plastic surgery to look like his favorite movie star, Emilio Esteves.
Florida football coach Urban Meyer now says he’s not retiring due to health reasons but just taking an indefinite leave of absence. He expects the unexplained chest pains to go away as soon as his doctor discovers a way to clone Tim Tebow.
Chinese archaeologists have found what may be the tomb of Cao Cao, a general and ruler from the 3rd century. They got really excited when they found small paper handkerchiefs belonging to the general, because everyone knows that the Chinese go coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs.
Police and federal agents in Phoenix detained two men for questioning after passengers aboard US Airways Flight 192 from Orlando, Fla., reported the men were acting suspiciously. Apparently they were the only people not complaining about the long wait, the probing questions and the body cavity searches.
According to a new poll, the top political winners of 2009 are Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Sonia Sotomayor. The original survey was a tie between all member of Congress until someone noticed that “winner” was spelled “w-e-i-n-e-r.”
Swedish cellphone users sent more than 76 million text message greetings on Christmas Eve to set a record. The most frequently texted message was “I THNK I SAW TGR WOODS WIFE.”
Amazon.com announced that the Amazon Kindle was the most gifted item in the company's history. Once people try using it, it’s expected to also break the record for the most re-gifted product in history.
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano now claims that when she said the security system worked when a man attempted to blow up a plane over Detroit, she meant the bureaucratic system that responded afterward. If this were the Bush administration, she’d be piloting a plane to Detroit’s airport where she’d be met by a “Mission Accomplished” sign.
A never-before published photograph has been found which appears to show John F. Kennedy in the mid-1950s on a boat filled with naked women. The party ended before JFK changed the title of his book to “Profiles in Her-age.”
Native American tribes tired of waiting for the U.S. government to honor centuries-old treaties are buying back land where their ancestors lived. Ironically, because of the real estate crash, the lands are again worth about $24 in beads, blankets and trinkets.
Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. A Nigerian plane flew longer but was disqualified when it began to smoke before landing.
Japanese paper airplane creator Takuo Toda set a record when a plane with no tape holding it together flew for 26.1 seconds. That includes a 10-second connection in Atlanta.
Jasper Schuringa, the Northwest flight passenger who reportedly subdued Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, is refusing to give any more interviews unless he get paid. And he wants double if the interviewer is Barbara Walters and she tries to make him cry.
Bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have already written an episode where he has plastic surgery to look like his favorite movie star, Emilio Esteves.
Florida football coach Urban Meyer now says he’s not retiring due to health reasons but just taking an indefinite leave of absence. He expects the unexplained chest pains to go away as soon as his doctor discovers a way to clone Tim Tebow.
Chinese archaeologists have found what may be the tomb of Cao Cao, a general and ruler from the 3rd century. They got really excited when they found small paper handkerchiefs belonging to the general, because everyone knows that the Chinese go coo-coo for Cao Cao Puffs.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Fun to choke cats with
The Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest atom smasher, broke the record for proton acceleration previously held by by Fermilab near Chicago. The record was broken in spite of efforts by President Obama to block the protons and keep the record in Chicago.
Chelsea Clinton is officially engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky, whose father is a former congressman who served time for his involvement in a Nigerian investment scam. That explains why all wedding gifts will require three forms of ID.
The Supreme Court threw out an appeals court ruling ordering the disclosure of photographs of detainees being abused by their U.S. captors. They don’t want the American public to find out that some of the torturing was done by a couple that snuck into Abu Graib to get on a reality show.
A mysterious satellite channel in Iraq is broadcasting videos of Saddam Hussein. The most popular is one showing Saddam denying he had weapons of mass destruction in the form of a sitcom called The No Big Bang Theory.
Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her tirade at the U.S. Open. Serena immediately threw another tantrum because that’s the money she was planning to spend this week on getting her nails done.
According to a new poll, Americans consider Rush Limbaugh to be the nation's most influential conservative voice by a wide margin over Glenn Beck. In an embarrassing turn of events, Sarah Palin finished fourth behind her book.
There’s a lot of confusion over the recent vote in Switzerland banning minarets. For example, Sarah Palin wants to know what the Swiss have against George Washington’s favorite dance.
Susan Boyle's debut record, "I Dreamed A Dream," entered the British album chart at Number One. The title song is from Les Miserables, which is French for how she feels when she’s not singing.
The hottest toy this Christmas season is the Zhu Zhu Pet, a tiny robotic hamster. Zhu Zhu comes from an African phrase which means “Fun to choke cats with.”
Comedian and actor Tom Arnold married his fourth wife, home organizer Ashley Groussman, in Maui over the weekend. It was a typical Hollywood wedding. They gave each other tattoo removals of the names of previous spouses and lovers.
Notre Dame fired coach Charlie Weis after a string of disappointing seasons. Weis has to be paid for the six years left on his contract, which means Notre Dame can only afford to replace him with a copy of Madden NFL 10.
Dutch scientists claim they’ve grown meat in a lab for the first time and say it tastes like soggy pork. Apparently the research is funded by McDonald’s in an attempt to introduce the McRib in Holland.
A German tourist was arrested on charges of making a false bomb threat while visiting Walt Disney World. His lawyer plans to plead temporary insanity caused when the poor man lost his tour guide and was stuck for hours in the “It’s A Small World” exhibit.
Chelsea Clinton is officially engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky, whose father is a former congressman who served time for his involvement in a Nigerian investment scam. That explains why all wedding gifts will require three forms of ID.
The Supreme Court threw out an appeals court ruling ordering the disclosure of photographs of detainees being abused by their U.S. captors. They don’t want the American public to find out that some of the torturing was done by a couple that snuck into Abu Graib to get on a reality show.
A mysterious satellite channel in Iraq is broadcasting videos of Saddam Hussein. The most popular is one showing Saddam denying he had weapons of mass destruction in the form of a sitcom called The No Big Bang Theory.
Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her tirade at the U.S. Open. Serena immediately threw another tantrum because that’s the money she was planning to spend this week on getting her nails done.
According to a new poll, Americans consider Rush Limbaugh to be the nation's most influential conservative voice by a wide margin over Glenn Beck. In an embarrassing turn of events, Sarah Palin finished fourth behind her book.
There’s a lot of confusion over the recent vote in Switzerland banning minarets. For example, Sarah Palin wants to know what the Swiss have against George Washington’s favorite dance.
Susan Boyle's debut record, "I Dreamed A Dream," entered the British album chart at Number One. The title song is from Les Miserables, which is French for how she feels when she’s not singing.
The hottest toy this Christmas season is the Zhu Zhu Pet, a tiny robotic hamster. Zhu Zhu comes from an African phrase which means “Fun to choke cats with.”
Comedian and actor Tom Arnold married his fourth wife, home organizer Ashley Groussman, in Maui over the weekend. It was a typical Hollywood wedding. They gave each other tattoo removals of the names of previous spouses and lovers.
Notre Dame fired coach Charlie Weis after a string of disappointing seasons. Weis has to be paid for the six years left on his contract, which means Notre Dame can only afford to replace him with a copy of Madden NFL 10.
Dutch scientists claim they’ve grown meat in a lab for the first time and say it tastes like soggy pork. Apparently the research is funded by McDonald’s in an attempt to introduce the McRib in Holland.
A German tourist was arrested on charges of making a false bomb threat while visiting Walt Disney World. His lawyer plans to plead temporary insanity caused when the poor man lost his tour guide and was stuck for hours in the “It’s A Small World” exhibit.
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