President Obama admits he likes the snow in D.C. because it reminds him of Chicago. His favorite part is when local weather reporters refer to blizzard conditions as a “whiteout.”
Scientists studying the DNA of a man who lived in Greenland about 4,000 years ago have determined that he had the genetic trait for baldness. It appear the man knew he was going bald because his head was covered with ground-up black birds, which he called “Crow-gain.”
Hyde Park in London is setting aside an exercise area with low-impact equipment for out-of-shape older people. Or as they’re referred to in London: Westminster flabbies.
According to an article in the International Journal of Epidemiology, there's a possibility that the more bored you are, the more likely you are to die early. Republicans plan to use this to accuse Al Gore of attempted mass murder.
Rangers in the Bridger-Teton National Forest in Wyoming say dog poop is piling up on paths where people go hiking and cross-country skiing with their dogs. It’s so bad, the main path is now known as the Crappalachian Trail.
A court in Saudi Arabia has upheld a sentence of five years in jail and 1,000 lashes for a Saudi man who had bragged about his sexual escapades on television. This explains why Saudi Arabia has no national basketball team.
Scott Brown, the newly-elected Republican senator from Massachusetts, says he’s writing a book that will combine memoir and inspiration. Since his previous claim to fame is posing nude in Cosmo, he should call it “Clothing Rogue.”
Honda has added 437,000 vehicles to its 15-month-old global recall for faulty air bags. This is the worst year for Japanese carmakers since the year the United Nations banned the use of 10-W-30 whale oil.
Rachel Uchitel, one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses, has reportedly been offered a job on the entertainment TV show “Extra” as a special correspondent. She has plenty of experience since doing extras and specials is what got her the job with Tiger.
Jeff Probst signed a deal to stay with “Survivor” next season for the 21st and 22nd installments. CBS would like to replace him with someone cheaper but their hands are tied since he has an immunity necklace.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
List of “Top Ten Feet Before Hitting The Floor.”
Rev. Ricky Kirton, the pastor who married Tiger and Elin Woods, says he “started to pray” for the couple after Tiger’s car accident. But when the number of Tiger’s affairs kept growing, he gave up praying and called the pope to see if he could borrow a really large confessional.
Rumors are flying about Donald Trump’s third marriage after he’s been spotted alone the past few weekends in Palm beach. Not to mention all the times he’s been seen in stores walking up to Valentine’s Day displays and telling Cupid “You’re fired!”
Drew Brees visited Disney World this week as a reward for winning the Super Bowl XLIV MVP award. Out of habit, he helped the Pirates of the Caribbean come from behind to defeat the East India Trading Company.
The snowy weather in Washington D.C. shut down the U.S. House for the rest of the week, but lobbyists stayed open. The temperature doesn’t bother them since they’re used to working with cold hard cash.
South Carolina's state government passed a “Subversive Activities Registration Act” requiring members of subversive organizations to register with the Secretary of State. Wouldn’t it be easier just to collect the nametags after the next Tea Party meeting?
"The Jay Leno Show" aired its final episode on Tuesday night. NBC decided to let it die quietly, kind of like all of the previous episodes.
The half-mile-high Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world’s tallest building, was shut down after an elevator got stuck between floors, trapping the people in it and those on the 124th floor observation deck for 45 minutes. On the upside, four couples who were stuck are now members of the half-mile-high club.
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will carry the Olympic torch as part of the opening ceremony at the Vancouver Games. Does Arnold holding a flame make him Conan the Bar-B-Q-barian?
The producer of the British version of “I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here” was convicted of animal cruelty after two reality show contestants skinned, cooked and ate a rat during filming in Australia. They would have gotten away with it if they had only remembered to say, “Let’s throw another rat on the bar-bee, mate.”
The British government has asked designers to come up with a replacement for the old-fashioned drafty open-backed hospital gowns. Doctors and nurses there began demanding it after Prince Charles brought Camilla in for a checkup.
Rap star Lil Wayne, who was convicted of attempted gun possession, got a temporary reprieve from going to jail so he could have some dental work done. He wants to have his grill replaced with one that can file through bars.
Biff Henderson, the stage manager for the “Late Show with David Letterman,” was treated at a New York hospital for a knee injury after he fell off the stage catching a ball Letterman tossed him. Henderson was released and went to work on the list of “Top Ten Feet Before Hitting The Floor.”
Rumors are flying about Donald Trump’s third marriage after he’s been spotted alone the past few weekends in Palm beach. Not to mention all the times he’s been seen in stores walking up to Valentine’s Day displays and telling Cupid “You’re fired!”
Drew Brees visited Disney World this week as a reward for winning the Super Bowl XLIV MVP award. Out of habit, he helped the Pirates of the Caribbean come from behind to defeat the East India Trading Company.
The snowy weather in Washington D.C. shut down the U.S. House for the rest of the week, but lobbyists stayed open. The temperature doesn’t bother them since they’re used to working with cold hard cash.
South Carolina's state government passed a “Subversive Activities Registration Act” requiring members of subversive organizations to register with the Secretary of State. Wouldn’t it be easier just to collect the nametags after the next Tea Party meeting?
"The Jay Leno Show" aired its final episode on Tuesday night. NBC decided to let it die quietly, kind of like all of the previous episodes.
The half-mile-high Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world’s tallest building, was shut down after an elevator got stuck between floors, trapping the people in it and those on the 124th floor observation deck for 45 minutes. On the upside, four couples who were stuck are now members of the half-mile-high club.
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will carry the Olympic torch as part of the opening ceremony at the Vancouver Games. Does Arnold holding a flame make him Conan the Bar-B-Q-barian?
The producer of the British version of “I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here” was convicted of animal cruelty after two reality show contestants skinned, cooked and ate a rat during filming in Australia. They would have gotten away with it if they had only remembered to say, “Let’s throw another rat on the bar-bee, mate.”
The British government has asked designers to come up with a replacement for the old-fashioned drafty open-backed hospital gowns. Doctors and nurses there began demanding it after Prince Charles brought Camilla in for a checkup.
Rap star Lil Wayne, who was convicted of attempted gun possession, got a temporary reprieve from going to jail so he could have some dental work done. He wants to have his grill replaced with one that can file through bars.
Biff Henderson, the stage manager for the “Late Show with David Letterman,” was treated at a New York hospital for a knee injury after he fell off the stage catching a ball Letterman tossed him. Henderson was released and went to work on the list of “Top Ten Feet Before Hitting The Floor.”
Monday, February 8, 2010
XLVI is also Wynonna’s T-shirt size
In elections over the weekend, Costa Ricans elected their first woman president. When asked for their reaction, most Americans said either “Is she hot? “ or “Costa Rica? Is that a Hispanic wholesale club?”
The Super Bowl was watched by more than 106 million people, surpassing the 1983 finale of "M-A-S-H" to become the most-watched program in television history. Coincidentally, did anyone else notice that Pete Townsend and Corporal Klinger have the same nose?
All of the clothes made in case the Colts won the Super Bowl will go to areas in need in earthquake-damaged Haiti. Haven't these poor people suffered enough?
Toyota announced a recall of about 300,000 Prius hybrids worldwide because of a brake problem. Turns out they tried to keep the braking problem a secret but somebody squealed.
Scandal-plagued beauty queen Carrie Prejean is engaged to St. Louis Rams quarterback Kyle Boller. He may change his mind when she tells him why he can’t put his hands by the center’s crotch anymore.
Turns out Sarah Palin had crib notes written on her hand while she was criticizing President Obama for using a teleprompter. I can’t wait until her next press conference when a reporter asks her: “Hey Sarah? How’s that checkie palmy thing goin’ for ya?”
Authorities in the Philippines say at least six people have been killed in the past decade for singing “My Way” in a karaoke bar. That includes one poor guy whose last words were “Highway! I was going to sing “Highway to Hell!”
Country music singer Wynonna Judd announced she’s getting back together with her mom, Naomi, for a reunion tour by The Judds. They’re hoping to do the halftime show for next year’s Super Bowl XLVI since XLVI is also Wynonna’s T-shirt size.
Kristin Davis, the so-called “Manhattan Madam” who helped bring down Elliot Spitzer, says she plans to run as a Libertarian in the race for governor of New York. She hasn’t picked a slogan yet but it’s a good bet it will include the words “all the way.”
Scientists in Italy have bred a strain of chocolate-craving mice that love chocolate so much, they will tolerate electric shocks to pursue it. They’re called females.
The Super Bowl was watched by more than 106 million people, surpassing the 1983 finale of "M-A-S-H" to become the most-watched program in television history. Coincidentally, did anyone else notice that Pete Townsend and Corporal Klinger have the same nose?
All of the clothes made in case the Colts won the Super Bowl will go to areas in need in earthquake-damaged Haiti. Haven't these poor people suffered enough?
Toyota announced a recall of about 300,000 Prius hybrids worldwide because of a brake problem. Turns out they tried to keep the braking problem a secret but somebody squealed.
Scandal-plagued beauty queen Carrie Prejean is engaged to St. Louis Rams quarterback Kyle Boller. He may change his mind when she tells him why he can’t put his hands by the center’s crotch anymore.
Turns out Sarah Palin had crib notes written on her hand while she was criticizing President Obama for using a teleprompter. I can’t wait until her next press conference when a reporter asks her: “Hey Sarah? How’s that checkie palmy thing goin’ for ya?”
Authorities in the Philippines say at least six people have been killed in the past decade for singing “My Way” in a karaoke bar. That includes one poor guy whose last words were “Highway! I was going to sing “Highway to Hell!”
Country music singer Wynonna Judd announced she’s getting back together with her mom, Naomi, for a reunion tour by The Judds. They’re hoping to do the halftime show for next year’s Super Bowl XLVI since XLVI is also Wynonna’s T-shirt size.
Kristin Davis, the so-called “Manhattan Madam” who helped bring down Elliot Spitzer, says she plans to run as a Libertarian in the race for governor of New York. She hasn’t picked a slogan yet but it’s a good bet it will include the words “all the way.”
Scientists in Italy have bred a strain of chocolate-craving mice that love chocolate so much, they will tolerate electric shocks to pursue it. They’re called females.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The guy wearing a cardboard box in front of H&R Block
A block of ice fell from an airplane landing in Las Vegas and tore a hole in the roof of a nearby garage. If you ask me, ABC is going overboard with its promotions to get people to watch the last season of “Lost.”
City officials in Bristol, Connecticut, banned the Liberty Tax Service from having people stand outside their offices wearing Statue of Liberty costumes. Ironically, they missed the guy wearing a cardboard box in front of H&R Block.
A gun shop owner in Italy is accused of murdering a man, cutting off his head and burning it in a pizza oven. The pizza maker who found it said in olive his life he never sausage a sight and didn’t feel too gouda ‘bout it.
According to a new study, scientists have found a way to allow people in a vegetative state to communicate by having them visualize things and then measuring their brain activity. This could add 20 years to Keith Richards’ career.
A Washington state man has filed an initiative to change the state seal from the image of George Washington to a picture of “a tapeworm dressed in a three-pieced suit attached to the taxpayer's rectum.” Here’s a guy who obviously listens to too much rap music.
Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak says he has a Toyota Prius with an acceleration problem and thinks it’s caused by the vehicle's software. Have you seen the Woz lately? He should be glad any car he’s sitting in can accelerate at all.
After being caught using the word “retard,” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel committed to signing an online pledge to make the word obsolete. Now someone needs to catch him using the word “whatever.”
In a interview where he was asked about feminism, Rush Limbaugh said, “I love the women's movement especially when I'm walking behind it.” According to the latest ratings, he lost both of the women who still listen to him.
Comcast announced it will change the name of its cable TV, Internet and phone services to XFinity. Now XFinity needs to improve its Xservice or it’s going to have a lot more Xcustomers.
Mildred's Temple Kitchen, a restaurant in Toronto, Canada, is inviting customers to have sex in its bathrooms on Valentine’s Day. Sounds like the perfect plan to get guys in and out of the restrooms a lot faster.
City officials in Bristol, Connecticut, banned the Liberty Tax Service from having people stand outside their offices wearing Statue of Liberty costumes. Ironically, they missed the guy wearing a cardboard box in front of H&R Block.
A gun shop owner in Italy is accused of murdering a man, cutting off his head and burning it in a pizza oven. The pizza maker who found it said in olive his life he never sausage a sight and didn’t feel too gouda ‘bout it.
According to a new study, scientists have found a way to allow people in a vegetative state to communicate by having them visualize things and then measuring their brain activity. This could add 20 years to Keith Richards’ career.
A Washington state man has filed an initiative to change the state seal from the image of George Washington to a picture of “a tapeworm dressed in a three-pieced suit attached to the taxpayer's rectum.” Here’s a guy who obviously listens to too much rap music.
Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak says he has a Toyota Prius with an acceleration problem and thinks it’s caused by the vehicle's software. Have you seen the Woz lately? He should be glad any car he’s sitting in can accelerate at all.
After being caught using the word “retard,” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel committed to signing an online pledge to make the word obsolete. Now someone needs to catch him using the word “whatever.”
In a interview where he was asked about feminism, Rush Limbaugh said, “I love the women's movement especially when I'm walking behind it.” According to the latest ratings, he lost both of the women who still listen to him.
Comcast announced it will change the name of its cable TV, Internet and phone services to XFinity. Now XFinity needs to improve its Xservice or it’s going to have a lot more Xcustomers.
Mildred's Temple Kitchen, a restaurant in Toronto, Canada, is inviting customers to have sex in its bathrooms on Valentine’s Day. Sounds like the perfect plan to get guys in and out of the restrooms a lot faster.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Fear of bad breath
The bodies of Rambo and JJ, two dead giraffes previously owned by Michael Jackson and buried on the Banjoko Wildlife Preserve in Arizona, had to be dug up and relocated because of complaints about the odor. Members of the Jackson family had been asked to deal with the giraffes, but none would stick their necks out.
A group of 25 white people living on a Mohawk reservation near Montreal have been given 10 days to move out. The problem started in a reservation sports bar during a game between the Expos and the Braves.
For security reasons, the NFL is telling Super Bowl attendees to minimize the number and size of all items carried into the stadium on Sunday. Some desperate fans are offering a free ticket to any woman willing to sit next to them wearing a size DDD flask bra.
Scientists at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine say they might have discovered a new way to trick the body into burning more fat. It involves an idea Einstein himself worked on using diet gelatin that he called the Theory of Jellotivity.
Wal-Mart announced it will lay off 300 people at its headquarters in Arkansas. They were notified by a figure wearing a long robe and a hood covering his yellow head known around Wal-Mart as the Grim Smiley Face.
Three top executives at Cadbury resigned after the candy maker's shareholders approved a takeover by Kraft Foods. The bitter employees were escorted off the premises after pummeling the building with Cadbury eggs.
President Barack Obama met with Senate Democrats and told them that in spite of the loss of one seat, “We still have to lead.” It was a bad sign when they all sat there waiting for him to tell them it was OK to go.
A 19-year-old New Zealand student auctioned her virginity online for $32,000 to raise money for her college tuition. Not surprisingly, she plans to study horticulture.
Iran announced it launched a rocket into space carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms. So it looks like the CIA was successful in its secret project to replace Iran’s astronaut training films with a copy of “The Cat From Outer Space.”
According to a new study, fish oil pills may be able to prevent psychosis. It won’t help if your psychosis is halitophobia, or the fear of bad breath.
A group of 25 white people living on a Mohawk reservation near Montreal have been given 10 days to move out. The problem started in a reservation sports bar during a game between the Expos and the Braves.
For security reasons, the NFL is telling Super Bowl attendees to minimize the number and size of all items carried into the stadium on Sunday. Some desperate fans are offering a free ticket to any woman willing to sit next to them wearing a size DDD flask bra.
Scientists at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine say they might have discovered a new way to trick the body into burning more fat. It involves an idea Einstein himself worked on using diet gelatin that he called the Theory of Jellotivity.
Wal-Mart announced it will lay off 300 people at its headquarters in Arkansas. They were notified by a figure wearing a long robe and a hood covering his yellow head known around Wal-Mart as the Grim Smiley Face.
Three top executives at Cadbury resigned after the candy maker's shareholders approved a takeover by Kraft Foods. The bitter employees were escorted off the premises after pummeling the building with Cadbury eggs.
President Barack Obama met with Senate Democrats and told them that in spite of the loss of one seat, “We still have to lead.” It was a bad sign when they all sat there waiting for him to tell them it was OK to go.
A 19-year-old New Zealand student auctioned her virginity online for $32,000 to raise money for her college tuition. Not surprisingly, she plans to study horticulture.
Iran announced it launched a rocket into space carrying a mouse, two turtles and worms. So it looks like the CIA was successful in its secret project to replace Iran’s astronaut training films with a copy of “The Cat From Outer Space.”
According to a new study, fish oil pills may be able to prevent psychosis. It won’t help if your psychosis is halitophobia, or the fear of bad breath.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Changed his name from Blitzen to Shufflin
A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. In a related story, 4-out-of-5 British plastic surgeons recommends soy milk for their male patients who drink milk.
President Obama’s new $3.83 trillion spending increases the deficit to a record-breaking $1.56 trillion. A disappointed Malia and Sasha Obama realized they should have asked their dad for an allowance increase a week ago.
President spent 40 minutes answering video and written questions from YouTube users. The main thing the president got from talking to YouTube users is that he should have done the State of the Union address while holding a kitten.
A traffic reporter in a small plane had to make an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike. Some things never change. He walked over to a hill to get better reception on his cell phone and by the time he got back, the plane’s tires and radio were gone.
Sarah Palin gave her endorsement to Rand Paul, son of Representative Ron Paul, who is running for a U.S. Senate seat in Kentucky. Sarah doesn’t know anything about Rand’s political views but she’s partial to people with unusual first names.
A priest in Poland installed an electronic reader in his church for schoolchildren to leave their fingerprints in order to monitor their attendance at mass. Kids who don’t like it were told, “Let he who is without sin cast the first thumb.”
According to a new report, Sarah Palin's PAC spent $47,777 on copies of "Going Rogue" during the last 6 months of 2009. It would have spent more but Sarah dropped Levi Johnston’s family from her Christmas gift list.
Steven Tyler's lawyer has sent a letter to Aerosmith warning the rest of the band’s member not to replace Tyler while he is in rehab. This was in response to an ad the band members posted on Craigslist for a “heavily tattooed hog caller.”
Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Watch for the stock to go up when she goes on tour wearing a coconut bra.
A doctor in Ohio gave a three-legged reindeer a new lease on life by fitting it with a prosthetic limb. He’s still learning to use it so the reindeer temporarily changed his name from Blitzen to Shufflin.
President Obama’s new $3.83 trillion spending increases the deficit to a record-breaking $1.56 trillion. A disappointed Malia and Sasha Obama realized they should have asked their dad for an allowance increase a week ago.
President spent 40 minutes answering video and written questions from YouTube users. The main thing the president got from talking to YouTube users is that he should have done the State of the Union address while holding a kitten.
A traffic reporter in a small plane had to make an emergency landing on the New Jersey Turnpike. Some things never change. He walked over to a hill to get better reception on his cell phone and by the time he got back, the plane’s tires and radio were gone.
Sarah Palin gave her endorsement to Rand Paul, son of Representative Ron Paul, who is running for a U.S. Senate seat in Kentucky. Sarah doesn’t know anything about Rand’s political views but she’s partial to people with unusual first names.
A priest in Poland installed an electronic reader in his church for schoolchildren to leave their fingerprints in order to monitor their attendance at mass. Kids who don’t like it were told, “Let he who is without sin cast the first thumb.”
According to a new report, Sarah Palin's PAC spent $47,777 on copies of "Going Rogue" during the last 6 months of 2009. It would have spent more but Sarah dropped Levi Johnston’s family from her Christmas gift list.
Steven Tyler's lawyer has sent a letter to Aerosmith warning the rest of the band’s member not to replace Tyler while he is in rehab. This was in response to an ad the band members posted on Craigslist for a “heavily tattooed hog caller.”
Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Watch for the stock to go up when she goes on tour wearing a coconut bra.
A doctor in Ohio gave a three-legged reindeer a new lease on life by fitting it with a prosthetic limb. He’s still learning to use it so the reindeer temporarily changed his name from Blitzen to Shufflin.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Moo lie!
The Who’s appearance at the Super Bowl in Miami is being protested because Pete Townshend was arrested in 2003 for accessing child pornography online as part of research for his autobiography. Pete offered to show he’s sorry by having the band play his new song about the incident: “My Degeneration.”
In his second tape in a week, Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden blamed the U.S. for global warming and called for a boycott on American products. Good idea. The first product he needs to boycott is cassette tapes.
“Star Wars” creator George Lucas is reportedly working on a big-screen, animated musical. Rumor has it it’s musical version of “Star Wars” and one of the singing villains is Meatloaf the Hutt.
The wedding of Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney, former stars of "The Bachelor," will be shown on ABC in March. It will be followed by the honeymoon on Playboy TV, their first fight on ESPN and their breakup on Divorce Court.
A driver in Scotland is fighting a ticket he got for blowing his nose while his car was stuck in a traffic jam. Apparently he was causing a dangerous situation by distracting the other drivers who were booger-necking.
A Tesco supermarket in Wales has become the first in the country to ban customers from shopping in pajamas or bare feet. The only exception is if they’re sleepwalking to the pharmacy to get a refill on their Ambien prescription.
Toyota announced it has figured out how to fix the problem with sticking accelerator pedals that has prompted a massive recall. The tough part will be driving with a can of WD40 duct-taped to your foot.
Argentina's president Cristina Fernandez said in a speech that “It is much more gratifying to eat some grilled pork than to take Viagra.” The speech was interrupted by a senator from a beef cattle state who yelled, “Moo lie!”
Russia unveiled its first stealth fighter, almost two decades after the U.S. developed the technology. It’s not really invisible. It just bombs radar operators with vodka until they don’t care if they see it or not.
Genealogists have discovered a common ancestor that makes President Barack Obama and newly-elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown 10th cousins. Brown was a little disappointed when his new cousin Barry refused to help him move his stuff to Washington.
In his second tape in a week, Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden blamed the U.S. for global warming and called for a boycott on American products. Good idea. The first product he needs to boycott is cassette tapes.
“Star Wars” creator George Lucas is reportedly working on a big-screen, animated musical. Rumor has it it’s musical version of “Star Wars” and one of the singing villains is Meatloaf the Hutt.
The wedding of Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney, former stars of "The Bachelor," will be shown on ABC in March. It will be followed by the honeymoon on Playboy TV, their first fight on ESPN and their breakup on Divorce Court.
A driver in Scotland is fighting a ticket he got for blowing his nose while his car was stuck in a traffic jam. Apparently he was causing a dangerous situation by distracting the other drivers who were booger-necking.
A Tesco supermarket in Wales has become the first in the country to ban customers from shopping in pajamas or bare feet. The only exception is if they’re sleepwalking to the pharmacy to get a refill on their Ambien prescription.
Toyota announced it has figured out how to fix the problem with sticking accelerator pedals that has prompted a massive recall. The tough part will be driving with a can of WD40 duct-taped to your foot.
Argentina's president Cristina Fernandez said in a speech that “It is much more gratifying to eat some grilled pork than to take Viagra.” The speech was interrupted by a senator from a beef cattle state who yelled, “Moo lie!”
Russia unveiled its first stealth fighter, almost two decades after the U.S. developed the technology. It’s not really invisible. It just bombs radar operators with vodka until they don’t care if they see it or not.
Genealogists have discovered a common ancestor that makes President Barack Obama and newly-elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown 10th cousins. Brown was a little disappointed when his new cousin Barry refused to help him move his stuff to Washington.
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