Freddie Prinze Jr. and Anil Kapoor have joined the cast of “24.” Prinze reportedly will play a Marine who wants to follow in the footsteps of Jack Bauer and Kapoor will play a man who works his way up from the bottom to become a slumdog torturer.
Some rare photos of President Obama as a student at Occidental College are about to be made public by the female student who took them. You can tell he’s destined to become president because the young Obama appears to be reading the words “Say cheese” from a teleprompter.
In an upcoming interview in GQ, Levi Johnston, ex-boyfriend of Bristol Palin and father of her child, claims that her dad Todd offered to buy his daughter a car if she would break up him. What’s even more surprising, her mom offered her two cars during the campaign if she’d say the baby was John Edwards’.
Time Warner is dumping AOL after spending nearly 10 years trying to build a new media empire. The new CEO will try to return the company to its glory days as America Online before Time Warner turned AOL into LOL.
In a video he posted on YouTube, Chris Brown tells his fans he's “not a monster” while he appears to be standing inside a bowling alley. He’d be more believable if the bowling pins weren’t decorated with little pictures of Rihanna.
The late comedian Bob Hope is being honored with a postage stamp commemorating his travels to entertain American troops around the world. Unlike Bob’s television specials, the stamps are expected to be cancelled.
The British are upset with the French failing to invite Queen Elizabeth II to Normandy for next week's 65th anniversary of the Allied landings on D-Day. The queen is the only living world leader to have served in World War II, although Dick Cheney claims he gave atomic wedgies to German kids in his kindergarten class.
Sara Jane Moore, the woman who fired a gun at President Gerald Ford in 1975 and spent the next 32 years in prison, says she believed the country would change only through a violent revolution. Now she realizes she would have been more successful had she put on a wig and done Ford-falling-down impressions on Saturday Night Live.
A 66-year-old woman became England’s Britain's oldest mom after giving birth to a baby boy in Cambridge. Although she can’t sing, this immediately moves her into the lead on “Britain’s Got Talent.”
The belongings of the late mime Marcel Marceau sold for around $700,000 at auction in Paris. They could have gotten more, but Marceau’s will dictated that it be a silent auction.
The Illinois house that belonged to Ferris Bueller’s friend Cameron's family in the 1986 movie “Ferris Bueller's Day Off” is for sale for $2.3 million. During a special open house, Ferrari owners can pay a dollar to come in and spit on it.
Karl Rove claims that Sonia Sotomayor would not be the first Hispanic to serve on the Supreme Court because Justice Benjamin Cardozo, appointed by Herbert Hoover, was part Portuguese. Even former President George W. Bush knows that they’re not the same, especially after once asking Alberto Gonzalez to make him a Portuguese omelet.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wipe
President Barack Obama says that his Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, is "an inspiring woman." Republicans can’t wait to start the grilling and turn her into a “perspiring woman.
If confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor would be the nation's first Hispanic Supreme Court justice. You can tell she’s Hispanic because every time Republicans say her name, their faces look like they’re suffering from Montezuma’s revenge.
A craps player in Atlantic City set a new record for the longest craps roll, winning on 154 consecutive rolls of the dice for four hours and 18 minutes at the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa. That makes it the longest official crap shoot. The longest unofficial crap shoot is still the war in Iraq.
A Japanese publisher is offering a horror novel printed on a roll of toilet paper for peop[le who can’t go unless they have the you-know-what scared out of them. I think it’s called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wipe.
A stamp collector in Germany has discovered a rare stamp showing movie star Audrey Hepburn smoking - one of a series that was supposed to have been destroyed by the German government. Being a typical stamp collector, he nearly ruined the stamp by licking the side with Audrey’s picture on it.
After giving one last concert, rapper T.I. arrived at a prison in Arkansas to begin serving a year and a day for trying to buy unregistered machine guns and silencers. Once he completes his sentence, he has the option of entering a halfway house or appearing on “Dancing With The Stars.”
North Korea is ignoring warnings from the rest of the world and firing more short-range missiles. President Obama checked a file former President George W. Bush left him on dealing with North Korea, but all it had was a DVD of the first season of “M.A.S.H.”
Red Bull Cola, a different product than the Red Bull energy drink, has been banned in six German states after scientific study found it contains trace amounts of cocaine. They got suspicious when grocery stores began noticing the 10-items-or-less lines clogged with people buying a six-pack and four straws.
A group of laid-off Russian flight attendants are on a hunger strike to obtain back wages owed to them. The strike could go on for a while because flight attendants know all kinds of places to stash little bags of pretzels.
According to a new poll, American adults who exercise for 30 minutes at least two days per week feel more rested and have more energy than those who don't. Especially if you exercise in the office instead of working.
If confirmed, Sonia Sotomayor would be the nation's first Hispanic Supreme Court justice. You can tell she’s Hispanic because every time Republicans say her name, their faces look like they’re suffering from Montezuma’s revenge.
A craps player in Atlantic City set a new record for the longest craps roll, winning on 154 consecutive rolls of the dice for four hours and 18 minutes at the Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa. That makes it the longest official crap shoot. The longest unofficial crap shoot is still the war in Iraq.
A Japanese publisher is offering a horror novel printed on a roll of toilet paper for peop[le who can’t go unless they have the you-know-what scared out of them. I think it’s called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wipe.
A stamp collector in Germany has discovered a rare stamp showing movie star Audrey Hepburn smoking - one of a series that was supposed to have been destroyed by the German government. Being a typical stamp collector, he nearly ruined the stamp by licking the side with Audrey’s picture on it.
After giving one last concert, rapper T.I. arrived at a prison in Arkansas to begin serving a year and a day for trying to buy unregistered machine guns and silencers. Once he completes his sentence, he has the option of entering a halfway house or appearing on “Dancing With The Stars.”
North Korea is ignoring warnings from the rest of the world and firing more short-range missiles. President Obama checked a file former President George W. Bush left him on dealing with North Korea, but all it had was a DVD of the first season of “M.A.S.H.”
Red Bull Cola, a different product than the Red Bull energy drink, has been banned in six German states after scientific study found it contains trace amounts of cocaine. They got suspicious when grocery stores began noticing the 10-items-or-less lines clogged with people buying a six-pack and four straws.
A group of laid-off Russian flight attendants are on a hunger strike to obtain back wages owed to them. The strike could go on for a while because flight attendants know all kinds of places to stash little bags of pretzels.
According to a new poll, American adults who exercise for 30 minutes at least two days per week feel more rested and have more energy than those who don't. Especially if you exercise in the office instead of working.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Help them download 'nrop'
A British scientist has developed a 3-D computer program that may help people with dyslexia learn to read. Dyslexic guys also hope the computer program will help them download ‘nrop.’
Mary Kay Letourneau, who served 7 1/2 years in prison for having sex with the sixth-grade student who she eventually married, hosted a “Hot for Teacher” with her now 26-year-old spouse. Dozens of sixth-graders who showed up were disappointed to find out her “pencil-sharpening exhibition” wasn’t a double-entendre.
An openly gay sales rep from Corona, California, claims she had a lesbian relationship with Francine Coppola, the mother of Miss California, Carrie Prejean. Like daughter, like mother. Prejean’s mom claims she was just standing around when a gust of wind tore off her clothes and blew her into the woman’s hot tub.
In his commencement address at the U.S. Naval Academy, President Obama told the graduates he will only send them “into harm's way when it is absolutely necessary.” In his commencement rebuttal, former VP Dick Cheney told the graduates to start practicing carrying buckets of water.
The Interior Department announced that a new law allowing loaded guns in national parks and wildlife refuges will not take effect until next February. That hasn’t stopped Old Faithful from applying for a handgun permit to keep people in Yosemite Park from trying to pee on him again.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she won't talk any more about her charge that the CIA lied in 2002 about using waterboarding on terrorism suspects. When he heard that Pelosi stopped talking, Joe Biden said, “Oh, the humanity!”
A Wyoming man claims he saved his dog's life after sucking venom from a rattlesnake bite out of the animal's nose. The dog’s head had swelled up to three times its normal size and at first the owner wasn’t sure if it was from a snake bite or from him finally having sex with the cute poodle next door.
A 3-year-old girl in New Zealand used her mom’s computer to bid on and buy a real earthmover for $12,300. The mother thought it was an accident until she also got a bill for a 5,000-sqaure-foot sandbox.
American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert says he’s giving up musical theater to become a fulltime recording artist. This disappointed his millions of fans who were hoping to see him as Liza Minnelli in a revival of “Cabaret.”
On his web site, Clay Aiken says “American Idol” runner-up Adam Lambert’s rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” made his ears bleed. That prompted a call from Gene Simmons of KISS who asked Clay if he could teach him how to do that.
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will play the final concert in Giants Stadium before it’s torn down after the 2009 NFL season. If the stadium’s owners were smart, they’d book some of those really bad “American Idol” contestants and let fans tear the stadium down themselves by trying to claw their way out.
Mary Kay Letourneau, who served 7 1/2 years in prison for having sex with the sixth-grade student who she eventually married, hosted a “Hot for Teacher” with her now 26-year-old spouse. Dozens of sixth-graders who showed up were disappointed to find out her “pencil-sharpening exhibition” wasn’t a double-entendre.
An openly gay sales rep from Corona, California, claims she had a lesbian relationship with Francine Coppola, the mother of Miss California, Carrie Prejean. Like daughter, like mother. Prejean’s mom claims she was just standing around when a gust of wind tore off her clothes and blew her into the woman’s hot tub.
In his commencement address at the U.S. Naval Academy, President Obama told the graduates he will only send them “into harm's way when it is absolutely necessary.” In his commencement rebuttal, former VP Dick Cheney told the graduates to start practicing carrying buckets of water.
The Interior Department announced that a new law allowing loaded guns in national parks and wildlife refuges will not take effect until next February. That hasn’t stopped Old Faithful from applying for a handgun permit to keep people in Yosemite Park from trying to pee on him again.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she won't talk any more about her charge that the CIA lied in 2002 about using waterboarding on terrorism suspects. When he heard that Pelosi stopped talking, Joe Biden said, “Oh, the humanity!”
A Wyoming man claims he saved his dog's life after sucking venom from a rattlesnake bite out of the animal's nose. The dog’s head had swelled up to three times its normal size and at first the owner wasn’t sure if it was from a snake bite or from him finally having sex with the cute poodle next door.
A 3-year-old girl in New Zealand used her mom’s computer to bid on and buy a real earthmover for $12,300. The mother thought it was an accident until she also got a bill for a 5,000-sqaure-foot sandbox.
American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert says he’s giving up musical theater to become a fulltime recording artist. This disappointed his millions of fans who were hoping to see him as Liza Minnelli in a revival of “Cabaret.”
On his web site, Clay Aiken says “American Idol” runner-up Adam Lambert’s rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” made his ears bleed. That prompted a call from Gene Simmons of KISS who asked Clay if he could teach him how to do that.
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will play the final concert in Giants Stadium before it’s torn down after the 2009 NFL season. If the stadium’s owners were smart, they’d book some of those really bad “American Idol” contestants and let fans tear the stadium down themselves by trying to claw their way out.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Dick Cheney’s new “green” bunker
Kris Allen is still shaking his head over his surprise victory on “American Idol” over the judges’ favorite, Adam Lambert. As a way of thanking the fan base who voted for him, Allen has scheduled an appearance on “Barney.”
An 11-year-old Utah boy tired to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by covering his face with 43 live snails. He hasn’t heard from Guinness yet, but the record facial escargot attempt has been condemned by People for the Ethical Treatment of Appetizers.
Police around the world are looking for two New Zealanders who allegedly took the money and ran after a bank mistakenly put $6.1 million into their account. The pair is suspected to be headed for Wall Street where they hope to be hidden by their own kind.
Scientists in Canada and China are using bile acids from human livers to make fillings for dental cavities. During tests of the liver bile fillings, four-out-of-five dentists surveyed recommended sugarless gum for patients who don’t want to get grossed out.
Astronauts onboard the international space station drank the first batch of water recycled from their urine, sweat and condensation from their breath. NASA is hoping to bottle the recycled urine and sell it under the brand name Pee-rier.
The North Dakota Department of Emergency Services estimates that 18 million sandbags were used throughout the state this year to prevent flooding. The bags are now being collected and shipped to Wyoming where they’ll be recycled into Dick Cheney’s new “green” bunker.
The actor who played the voice of Mickey Mouse in movies, TV shows and theme parks for 32 years has passed away. Anticipating huge crowds of mourners, Disney says that you must be at least four feet tall to attend his funeral.
California first lady Maria Shriver is following Michelle Obama’s example and planting the first vegetable garden on the Capitol grounds in Sacramento. When he saw the list of vegetables she was planting, husband Arnold crossed off one line and said, “Hasta la Beetsa, Baby.”
President Obama called and congratulated the crew of the space shuttle Atlantis for repairing the Hubble telescope, and then asked if they could see if anyone was mowing his lawn in Chicago. Dick Cheney immediately criticized the president for revealing to terrorists that astronauts in space can see them building bombs out of lawnmowers.
Michael Jackson has postponed the first four dates of his sold-out concert series scheduled to start in July in London. After watching the finals of “American Idol,” Michael has to rework his salute to Adam Lambert.
People who have seen the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games to be held in Vancouver, Canada, say it looks like a hand-rolled marijuana joint. That could explain why Michael Phelps has taken a sudden interest in underwater bobsledding.
NASA engineers have completed the first test of the Ares I rocket's three main parachutes, the largest parachutes ever made. These parachutes are so big, they may finally allow John Goodman to fulfill his dream to skydive.
Under a cloak of secrecy, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Oprah Winfrey, Ted Turner, Michael Bloomberg and other of the world's wealthiest people met recently in New York City. When he found out his name wasn’t on the list, Donald Trump called up Bill Gates and said, “You’re fired!”
An 11-year-old Utah boy tired to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by covering his face with 43 live snails. He hasn’t heard from Guinness yet, but the record facial escargot attempt has been condemned by People for the Ethical Treatment of Appetizers.
Police around the world are looking for two New Zealanders who allegedly took the money and ran after a bank mistakenly put $6.1 million into their account. The pair is suspected to be headed for Wall Street where they hope to be hidden by their own kind.
Scientists in Canada and China are using bile acids from human livers to make fillings for dental cavities. During tests of the liver bile fillings, four-out-of-five dentists surveyed recommended sugarless gum for patients who don’t want to get grossed out.
Astronauts onboard the international space station drank the first batch of water recycled from their urine, sweat and condensation from their breath. NASA is hoping to bottle the recycled urine and sell it under the brand name Pee-rier.
The North Dakota Department of Emergency Services estimates that 18 million sandbags were used throughout the state this year to prevent flooding. The bags are now being collected and shipped to Wyoming where they’ll be recycled into Dick Cheney’s new “green” bunker.
The actor who played the voice of Mickey Mouse in movies, TV shows and theme parks for 32 years has passed away. Anticipating huge crowds of mourners, Disney says that you must be at least four feet tall to attend his funeral.
California first lady Maria Shriver is following Michelle Obama’s example and planting the first vegetable garden on the Capitol grounds in Sacramento. When he saw the list of vegetables she was planting, husband Arnold crossed off one line and said, “Hasta la Beetsa, Baby.”
President Obama called and congratulated the crew of the space shuttle Atlantis for repairing the Hubble telescope, and then asked if they could see if anyone was mowing his lawn in Chicago. Dick Cheney immediately criticized the president for revealing to terrorists that astronauts in space can see them building bombs out of lawnmowers.
Michael Jackson has postponed the first four dates of his sold-out concert series scheduled to start in July in London. After watching the finals of “American Idol,” Michael has to rework his salute to Adam Lambert.
People who have seen the ceremonial torch for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games to be held in Vancouver, Canada, say it looks like a hand-rolled marijuana joint. That could explain why Michael Phelps has taken a sudden interest in underwater bobsledding.
NASA engineers have completed the first test of the Ares I rocket's three main parachutes, the largest parachutes ever made. These parachutes are so big, they may finally allow John Goodman to fulfill his dream to skydive.
Under a cloak of secrecy, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Oprah Winfrey, Ted Turner, Michael Bloomberg and other of the world's wealthiest people met recently in New York City. When he found out his name wasn’t on the list, Donald Trump called up Bill Gates and said, “You’re fired!”
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Get a piece of the Rolling Rock
After being cancelled by NBC, the psychic crime chow show “Medium” has been picked up by CBS. CBS picked it up because, even though its audience is small, Medium’s well done.
An international team of scientists has discovered a 47 million year old fossil that shows how primates began evolving into our earliest human ancestors. The first sign is that the fossil was holding a rock shaped like a gun.
Disgraced NFL star Michael Vick left a Kansas prison to begin home confinement in Virginia, where he’ll be allowed to leave only to work at a $10-an-hour job. So it looks like the NFL is letting him back to quarterback the Lions.
The owner of the Atlanta Falcons says Michael Vick has paid his debt to society and deserves a second chance. Vick is hoping to get back in shape by working out with any college team whose mascot isn’t a bulldog.
Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson was the surprise winner of “Dancing with the Stars” over the judges’ favorite, actor Gilles Marini. Gilles is hoping to take what he learned and pitch his own dance show to the network called “Steps and the City.”
The Senate is considering a $2 per case increase in the tax on beer to help pay for health insurance for uninsured Americans. Prudential plans to promote health insurance paid for by the beer tax as “getting a piece of the Rolling Rock.”
Police in Iowa City arrested a man who attempted to swallow a plastic bag of marijuana to avoid drug charges. The police station has been swamped with calls from dental hygienists offering to clean his teeth.,
According to a new study, the same part of the brain that makes us crave food and sex may also help determine whether somebody is a warm and fuzzy "people" person. If that’s the case, why isn’t Dick Cheney an anorexic bachelor?
An Oregon man who was arrested for walking out of jury duty told police he left the courthouse because he was “extremely bored.” Well, if he ends up fighting the charges and going to trial, at least he’ll get a jury of his peers.
The Oxygen network announced a new dance-and-weight loss show called "Dance Your Ass Off: The Weight is Over” hosted by Tony Award-winning actress and former "Dancing with the Stars" competitor Marissa Jaret Winokur. Now they’re looking for overweight contestants who want to work off the salsa with salsa.
Former child actor Mason Reese, best known for his Underwood Deviled Ham commercials in the 1970s, is opening a bar in New York called the Destination Bar and Grille. Former child stars can drink there free provided they bring proof their parents stole all of their money.
A New York man who purchased dentures for his business partner is accused of taking the false teeth back at gunpoint. The man was arrested after the partner with no teeth hired a gumshoe.
An international team of scientists has discovered a 47 million year old fossil that shows how primates began evolving into our earliest human ancestors. The first sign is that the fossil was holding a rock shaped like a gun.
Disgraced NFL star Michael Vick left a Kansas prison to begin home confinement in Virginia, where he’ll be allowed to leave only to work at a $10-an-hour job. So it looks like the NFL is letting him back to quarterback the Lions.
The owner of the Atlanta Falcons says Michael Vick has paid his debt to society and deserves a second chance. Vick is hoping to get back in shape by working out with any college team whose mascot isn’t a bulldog.
Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson was the surprise winner of “Dancing with the Stars” over the judges’ favorite, actor Gilles Marini. Gilles is hoping to take what he learned and pitch his own dance show to the network called “Steps and the City.”
The Senate is considering a $2 per case increase in the tax on beer to help pay for health insurance for uninsured Americans. Prudential plans to promote health insurance paid for by the beer tax as “getting a piece of the Rolling Rock.”
Police in Iowa City arrested a man who attempted to swallow a plastic bag of marijuana to avoid drug charges. The police station has been swamped with calls from dental hygienists offering to clean his teeth.,
According to a new study, the same part of the brain that makes us crave food and sex may also help determine whether somebody is a warm and fuzzy "people" person. If that’s the case, why isn’t Dick Cheney an anorexic bachelor?
An Oregon man who was arrested for walking out of jury duty told police he left the courthouse because he was “extremely bored.” Well, if he ends up fighting the charges and going to trial, at least he’ll get a jury of his peers.
The Oxygen network announced a new dance-and-weight loss show called "Dance Your Ass Off: The Weight is Over” hosted by Tony Award-winning actress and former "Dancing with the Stars" competitor Marissa Jaret Winokur. Now they’re looking for overweight contestants who want to work off the salsa with salsa.
Former child actor Mason Reese, best known for his Underwood Deviled Ham commercials in the 1970s, is opening a bar in New York called the Destination Bar and Grille. Former child stars can drink there free provided they bring proof their parents stole all of their money.
A New York man who purchased dentures for his business partner is accused of taking the false teeth back at gunpoint. The man was arrested after the partner with no teeth hired a gumshoe.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I’m a celebrity … yeah, right
MTV plans to air a new reality series called “16 & Pregnant” which will document the true stories of several pregnant teens. To protect the anonymity of one of the teens, the role of her mother will be played by Tina Fey.
According to his Democratic colleagues, Senator Edward Kennedy’s brain cancer is in remission and he is expected back in the Senate after the Memorial Day recess. This is doubly bad news for Republicans: Kennedy’s cancer is in remission while Dick Cheney is not.
The Senate voted 90-5 to pass a bill reining in credit card rate increases and excessive fees. There are some things money can’t buy, but the five senators who voted against it aren’t on that list.
The Federal Election Commission has dismissed a complaint over the $150,000 in designer clothing the Republican Party bought for vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. The ruling was delayed by lobbyists for Saturday Night Live who wanted to slip a few more Sarah Palin wardrobe jokes in last weekend’s season-ending show.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced that the U.S. is sending $110 million in emergency humanitarian aid to Pakistan. If she was smart, she’d give it to them in the form of T-shirts with Osama bin Laden’s wanted poster and reward printed on them.
Vice President Joe Biden is on a tour of the Balkans. He’s there to reassure them that if they behave, President Obama won’t send him back there.
Authorities in China shut down that country’s first sex amusement park – which featured statues of giant genitals and a photo gallery on the history of sex – before it even opened. The giant genitals have been moved to the site of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games where they will be made into a statue of Michael Phelps.
It appears Patti Blagojevich, wife of the ex-Illinois governor, will take his place on the reality show “I'm a celebrity ... Get me out of here” to help pay his legal bills. Because she’s filling in for Rod, the show may have to change its name to “I’m a celebrity … yeah, right.”
Judges in Poland awarded more in damages to celebrities whose naked photos showed up in tabloids than to a person for injuries suffered in a car accident. The biggest award went to Miss Warsaw for an embarrassing photo that she claims happened when her top was blown off just as she was doing a commercial for a brand of Polish sausage.
No one is confirming that Vice President Joe Biden was right when he said Dick Cheney’s secret bunker is in the basement of the Naval Observatory in Washington, the home of the vice president and his family. Cheney himself denies it and says the only reason that room looks like it does s because he used to turn it into a Halloween haunted house for his grandkids.
According to his Democratic colleagues, Senator Edward Kennedy’s brain cancer is in remission and he is expected back in the Senate after the Memorial Day recess. This is doubly bad news for Republicans: Kennedy’s cancer is in remission while Dick Cheney is not.
The Senate voted 90-5 to pass a bill reining in credit card rate increases and excessive fees. There are some things money can’t buy, but the five senators who voted against it aren’t on that list.
The Federal Election Commission has dismissed a complaint over the $150,000 in designer clothing the Republican Party bought for vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. The ruling was delayed by lobbyists for Saturday Night Live who wanted to slip a few more Sarah Palin wardrobe jokes in last weekend’s season-ending show.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced that the U.S. is sending $110 million in emergency humanitarian aid to Pakistan. If she was smart, she’d give it to them in the form of T-shirts with Osama bin Laden’s wanted poster and reward printed on them.
Vice President Joe Biden is on a tour of the Balkans. He’s there to reassure them that if they behave, President Obama won’t send him back there.
Authorities in China shut down that country’s first sex amusement park – which featured statues of giant genitals and a photo gallery on the history of sex – before it even opened. The giant genitals have been moved to the site of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games where they will be made into a statue of Michael Phelps.
It appears Patti Blagojevich, wife of the ex-Illinois governor, will take his place on the reality show “I'm a celebrity ... Get me out of here” to help pay his legal bills. Because she’s filling in for Rod, the show may have to change its name to “I’m a celebrity … yeah, right.”
Judges in Poland awarded more in damages to celebrities whose naked photos showed up in tabloids than to a person for injuries suffered in a car accident. The biggest award went to Miss Warsaw for an embarrassing photo that she claims happened when her top was blown off just as she was doing a commercial for a brand of Polish sausage.
No one is confirming that Vice President Joe Biden was right when he said Dick Cheney’s secret bunker is in the basement of the Naval Observatory in Washington, the home of the vice president and his family. Cheney himself denies it and says the only reason that room looks like it does s because he used to turn it into a Halloween haunted house for his grandkids.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Write “Braveheart” on the board 100 times
Hundreds of people gathered at Liverpool Cathedral in England to hear John Lennon's anti-religion anthem "Imagine" played on its bells. This was a one-time performance and the pastor has already turned down a request from Mick Jagger to play “Sympathy for the Devil.”
Billionaire Richard Branson announced plans to launch an internet bank as part of his Virgin Money subsidiary. The tough part is figuring out how to get searches for “Virgin Money” to stop bringing up escort services.
According to a new study in Australia, tall people earn higher wages than their height-challenged counterparts. Big deal. That’s misleading because, when you factor out basketball players, the only time tall people make more than shorter people is during cherry-picking season.
A politician in the Philippines threatened Alec Baldwin with violence over a joke he told on “The Late Show with David Letterman” about getting a Filipino mail-order bride. The Philippines has a law against mail-order brides, but the big money these days is in mail-order grooms for same-sex marriages.
Woody Allen agreed to a $5 million settlement from American Apparel for using an image from “Annie Hall” of him as a rabbi without his permission. Woody plans to use the money to do a film about the case called “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Shmucks But Were Afraid To Ask.
“Sex and the City” actress has confirmed she’s engaged to her partner, Christine Marinoni. All she would say about their relationship is that their “Mr. Big” takes six D-cell batteries.
Caroline Kennedy denies claims in a new book that she ended her quest for the Senate because her kids and husband complained she was becoming an angry, intense person. On the other hand, that’s the reason why Bill Clinton encouraged Hillary to run for the Senate.
In Florida, the alleged madam of an $8.5 million celebrity Internet call girl service cut a plea bargain to reduce her punishment to probation, fines and house arrest. She also agreed to turn over her little black book after blacking out any customer names who requested girls wearing nothing but judges’ robes.
Legendary comedian Jerry Lewis will play his first leading role in more than 25 years in a new movie drama called “Max Rose.” Jerry took the serious part after reading in the script that the leading man gets to shoot a guy just for saying “Hey Lady!”
A Utah school district ordered a principal to apologize after he ordered a 14-year-old to change out of the kilt he wore for a school project because it could be considered cross-dressing. The principal also had to stay after school and write “Braveheart” on the board 100 times.
Mel Gibson has told his family that his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva is pregnant with his child. Mel’s wife has filed for divorce but they’re still married, which means a movie of this would be called “The Passion of the Tryst.”
Billionaire Richard Branson announced plans to launch an internet bank as part of his Virgin Money subsidiary. The tough part is figuring out how to get searches for “Virgin Money” to stop bringing up escort services.
According to a new study in Australia, tall people earn higher wages than their height-challenged counterparts. Big deal. That’s misleading because, when you factor out basketball players, the only time tall people make more than shorter people is during cherry-picking season.
A politician in the Philippines threatened Alec Baldwin with violence over a joke he told on “The Late Show with David Letterman” about getting a Filipino mail-order bride. The Philippines has a law against mail-order brides, but the big money these days is in mail-order grooms for same-sex marriages.
Woody Allen agreed to a $5 million settlement from American Apparel for using an image from “Annie Hall” of him as a rabbi without his permission. Woody plans to use the money to do a film about the case called “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Shmucks But Were Afraid To Ask.
“Sex and the City” actress has confirmed she’s engaged to her partner, Christine Marinoni. All she would say about their relationship is that their “Mr. Big” takes six D-cell batteries.
Caroline Kennedy denies claims in a new book that she ended her quest for the Senate because her kids and husband complained she was becoming an angry, intense person. On the other hand, that’s the reason why Bill Clinton encouraged Hillary to run for the Senate.
In Florida, the alleged madam of an $8.5 million celebrity Internet call girl service cut a plea bargain to reduce her punishment to probation, fines and house arrest. She also agreed to turn over her little black book after blacking out any customer names who requested girls wearing nothing but judges’ robes.
Legendary comedian Jerry Lewis will play his first leading role in more than 25 years in a new movie drama called “Max Rose.” Jerry took the serious part after reading in the script that the leading man gets to shoot a guy just for saying “Hey Lady!”
A Utah school district ordered a principal to apologize after he ordered a 14-year-old to change out of the kilt he wore for a school project because it could be considered cross-dressing. The principal also had to stay after school and write “Braveheart” on the board 100 times.
Mel Gibson has told his family that his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva is pregnant with his child. Mel’s wife has filed for divorce but they’re still married, which means a movie of this would be called “The Passion of the Tryst.”
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