Vice President Joe Biden is in trouble for an interview where he described Russia as a weakened nation. Sarah Palin said Biden has no idea what he’s talking about. She can see Russia from her porch and people ware doing stuff all the time, not just on the weekend.
The Octomom has signed up her family to star in a reality TV show that will pay each of her 14 children $250 a day for the next three years. The show is expected to be called “Hiding Your Money From Mommy.”
The woman at the center of a sex scandal involving Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi claims he offered her a seat in the European Parliament. Well, it wasn’t exactly a seat … it was more like a lap to sit on.
In a new book, Mary Jo Buttafuoco says she stayed with her husband after she was shot in New York by his mistress, Amy Fisher, because of their children. The got divorced in 2003 and she changed her name to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buttafuuco!”
The author of "The Iguana Cookbook: Save Florida … Eat an Iguana" says Florida residents need to start eating iguanas before the lizards overrun the state. A better way to get Floridians to eat them would be to open a restaurant chain called “Early Bird Iguana Specials.”
Press secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed that White House staffers have been blocked from using Twitter at work, but he doesn’t know why. President Obama has two Twitter accounts, but he doesn’t use them because he can’t even say “Hello” in under 140 characters.
Ashes from the Shiveluch volcano reached 23,000 feet above Petropavlovsk, Russia, recently. They’re so high, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin has switched from waving at Russia to waving to get the ashes out of her eyes.
Researchers monitoring blogs have determined that Election Day 2008 was the happiest day in four years for Americans. They noticed a spike in the use of the word “proud” on that day, which either means Americans were proud to elect Barack Obama or proud that their chads didn’t dangle.
A man named Neil Armstrong has been getting hounded by autograph seekers and reporters ever since he moved to Cincinnati, near where the Neil Armstrong who was the first to walk on the moon lives. Poor guy can’t even jump over a puddle without some clown calling it a giant leap for mankind.
Sarah Palin is trying to get used to being at home now that she’s resigned as Alaska’s governor. Today she had a talk with her daughters about how quitting early is the best method of birth control.
After finishing third in the Tour de France, Lance Armstrong will return next year as a member of the new Radio Shack team. He’s pushing for some of the stages of next year’s race to be held at night because Radio Shack promised an unlimited supply of free batteries for his bike light.
An unnamed witness reports that Michael Jackson’s false nose disappeared while his body was in an L.A. morgue. That could explain why the readings at his memorial service had no nasal passages.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Law and Order: Special Kosher Unit
A female robot developed by Japan’s National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology made its public debut modeling wedding gowns at a fashion show in Osaka. The female robot model was so realistic, after the show she hurled a load of nuts and bolts into a commode.
A new poll shows that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s popularity is dropping in the U.S., even among Republicans. It’s also dropping among Russians since she’s been too busy to wave at them.
Polls in Afghanistan show that support is growing for Abdullah Abdullah, who is running against Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Karzai is trying to rally his America-hating base by spreading a rumor that his opponent’s full name is Abdullah “Bob” Abdullah.
British singer Amy Winehouse was acquitted of an assault charge for allegedly punching someone at a charity ball because most of the witnesses were drunk. Bernie Madoff is suing his lawyer for not thinking of this defense for him.
A California man is suing a restaurant after he allegedly bit into a condom that was in his French onion soup. The waiter blames the customer for not being more specific when has for anything that included “ribs.”
The owner of a Coney Island freak show plans to sue over a five-legged dog in North Carolina that he claims the owner promised to sell him. It’s not the owner’s fault … the dog got a better offer doing commercials for fire hydrants.
A New York Ikea that has been offering free ferry rides since it opened last year will now charge $5 each way. If you can’t afford that, for $2.50 you can buy a kit and build your own Ikea ferry.
Researchers at M.I.T. are developing a system using electronic waves that may one day charge cell phones and other electronic equipment without the use of wires. Progress is slow because the scientists get distracted by the buzz every time a moth flies between the power source and the phone.
A supercomputer that just started operating at the University of Florida is rumored to be the fastest of its kind. It’s so fast, University of Florida students using it can now waste four years of college in less than two.
Doctors in Oklahoma City have begun treating patients suffering from infectious diarrhea with fecal transplants … injecting their colons with human waste from another person. What kind of health insurance recommends this … Mutual of Enema?
Forty-four people, including rabbis and elected officials, were arrested in New Jersey and accused of laundering tens of millions of dollars through Jewish charities and of black-market trafficking of kidneys and fake Gucci handbags. This is already being turned into a new crime show called “Law and Order: Special Kosher Unit.”
The First Family will vacation this summer at Blue Heron Farm, a lavish $20 million-compound on Martha's Vineyard that rents for up to $50,000 a week. The president plans to kick in an extra ten grand to make sure there’s only black cops working that week.
A new poll shows that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s popularity is dropping in the U.S., even among Republicans. It’s also dropping among Russians since she’s been too busy to wave at them.
Polls in Afghanistan show that support is growing for Abdullah Abdullah, who is running against Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Karzai is trying to rally his America-hating base by spreading a rumor that his opponent’s full name is Abdullah “Bob” Abdullah.
British singer Amy Winehouse was acquitted of an assault charge for allegedly punching someone at a charity ball because most of the witnesses were drunk. Bernie Madoff is suing his lawyer for not thinking of this defense for him.
A California man is suing a restaurant after he allegedly bit into a condom that was in his French onion soup. The waiter blames the customer for not being more specific when has for anything that included “ribs.”
The owner of a Coney Island freak show plans to sue over a five-legged dog in North Carolina that he claims the owner promised to sell him. It’s not the owner’s fault … the dog got a better offer doing commercials for fire hydrants.
A New York Ikea that has been offering free ferry rides since it opened last year will now charge $5 each way. If you can’t afford that, for $2.50 you can buy a kit and build your own Ikea ferry.
Researchers at M.I.T. are developing a system using electronic waves that may one day charge cell phones and other electronic equipment without the use of wires. Progress is slow because the scientists get distracted by the buzz every time a moth flies between the power source and the phone.
A supercomputer that just started operating at the University of Florida is rumored to be the fastest of its kind. It’s so fast, University of Florida students using it can now waste four years of college in less than two.
Doctors in Oklahoma City have begun treating patients suffering from infectious diarrhea with fecal transplants … injecting their colons with human waste from another person. What kind of health insurance recommends this … Mutual of Enema?
Forty-four people, including rabbis and elected officials, were arrested in New Jersey and accused of laundering tens of millions of dollars through Jewish charities and of black-market trafficking of kidneys and fake Gucci handbags. This is already being turned into a new crime show called “Law and Order: Special Kosher Unit.”
The First Family will vacation this summer at Blue Heron Farm, a lavish $20 million-compound on Martha's Vineyard that rents for up to $50,000 a week. The president plans to kick in an extra ten grand to make sure there’s only black cops working that week.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
You can’t put lipstick on a Pig War
Time Square’s famous Naked Cowboy announced he’s running for mayor of New York City. You don’t have to worry about him sneaking off to Argentina because the airlines won’t let you fly in just your underpants.
The House of Representatives is considering a commemoration of the 150th anniversary of the Pig War, a conflict between the U.S. and Britain started over a dead pig. President Obama is against trying to make the conflict look good since you can’t put lipstick on a Pig War.
Gidget, the Chihuahua who starred in numerous Taco Bell commercials, has died at the age of 15. She eventually became a vegetarian because she thought the commercials were saying to think outside the “bone.”
Nordstrom, Inc. has signed a deal to sell an exclusive fashion and jewelry collection inspired by the “Twilight” movies. The jewelry looks like their regular line except the necklaces leave a mark.
Texas billionaire T. Boone Pickens admitted he took a slab of driveway concrete bearing his signature from an Oklahoma home that once belonged to his grandmother. Being a sentimental oil man, he also took a big chunk where he used to park his leaky Chevy.
According to a new study, Japanese researchers found that the scent of plants like lemon, mango and lavender reduce stress. Unless you’re getting a whiff from the stuff you’re about to use to clean the toilet.
First lady Michelle Obama and daughters Malia and Sasha took a tour of Luray Caverns in Virginia. It was part of a fact-finding mission to find places to hide from Joe Biden.
Before punching in to work, some railroad employees in Japan must pass a smile test administered by a laptop computer equipped with a digital camera. So far it’s weeded out grumpy employees and ones who eat Oreos for breakfast.
Following the death of Walter Cronkite, an online poll conducted by Time Magazine found that America's Most Trusted Newscaster is now Jon Stewart. Stewart received 44 percent of the vote, which coincidentally is the same amount of people who think Walter Cronkite was the husband on “Maude.”
Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Tampa Devil Rays. His first call was from President Obama, who wanted to know where he was when he was looking for tips before throwing out the first ball at the All-Star game.
The House of Representatives is considering a commemoration of the 150th anniversary of the Pig War, a conflict between the U.S. and Britain started over a dead pig. President Obama is against trying to make the conflict look good since you can’t put lipstick on a Pig War.
Gidget, the Chihuahua who starred in numerous Taco Bell commercials, has died at the age of 15. She eventually became a vegetarian because she thought the commercials were saying to think outside the “bone.”
Nordstrom, Inc. has signed a deal to sell an exclusive fashion and jewelry collection inspired by the “Twilight” movies. The jewelry looks like their regular line except the necklaces leave a mark.
Texas billionaire T. Boone Pickens admitted he took a slab of driveway concrete bearing his signature from an Oklahoma home that once belonged to his grandmother. Being a sentimental oil man, he also took a big chunk where he used to park his leaky Chevy.
According to a new study, Japanese researchers found that the scent of plants like lemon, mango and lavender reduce stress. Unless you’re getting a whiff from the stuff you’re about to use to clean the toilet.
First lady Michelle Obama and daughters Malia and Sasha took a tour of Luray Caverns in Virginia. It was part of a fact-finding mission to find places to hide from Joe Biden.
Before punching in to work, some railroad employees in Japan must pass a smile test administered by a laptop computer equipped with a digital camera. So far it’s weeded out grumpy employees and ones who eat Oreos for breakfast.
Following the death of Walter Cronkite, an online poll conducted by Time Magazine found that America's Most Trusted Newscaster is now Jon Stewart. Stewart received 44 percent of the vote, which coincidentally is the same amount of people who think Walter Cronkite was the husband on “Maude.”
Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Tampa Devil Rays. His first call was from President Obama, who wanted to know where he was when he was looking for tips before throwing out the first ball at the All-Star game.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Spudzi Scheme
In an interview on Thai television, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she’s not thinking about running for president again, but she wouldn’t quite rule it out. It all hinges on whether the rules get changed and the DNC stops paying for her campaign pantsuits.
Dick Cheney’s daughter Liz told Larry King she supports the so-called “birther” conspiracy theory which questions whether President Obama is a U.S. citizen. She prefers that elected officials be like her father … born in America and kept alive using genuine GM parts.
Actor Stephen Baldwin filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection claiming he owes more than $2.3 million. His only job prospect fell through when Tina Fey refused to turn “30 Rock” into a cop show and hire him as his brother’s stunt double.
Vice President Joe Biden was welcomed by the leaders of Georgia on his tour of former Soviet republics. It was a contrast to the visit from President Bush which went downhill after he started yelling, “Go Bulldogs!”
The Manhattan district attorney's office has dropped misdemeanor assault charges against Kiefer Sutherland for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer in a nightclub. The victim settled after Kiefer promised that, in the next season of “24,” Jack Bauer would save the world from ugly suits.
President Obama is still getting grief for the “dad jeans” he wore to throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game. His daughters asked him to change the date of Father’s Day to next weekend so they can give him some low-riders.
A California teenager has written an iPhone app called "A Note to God" which allows users to send their prayers into cyberspace. People who don’t have iPhones have to send their prayers to God the old-fashioned way … with a tin can connected to a really long string.
Police in Germany arrested a man for allegedly conning people into buying potatoes disguised as iPods, laptop computers and camera equipment. This crime is known in Germany as a “Spudzi Scheme.”
The Italian Coast Guard seized a Maserati convertible that two men had converted into a boat because it wasn’t seaworthy. This marks the first time this year that an auto industry bailout was accomplished using just a bucket.
Police in Virginia are looking for a gang of thieves who robbed at least five Kmart stores by posing as cleaning crews. This caught the attention of Kmart shoppers who were shocked to find out the stores are actually cleaned.
Dick Cheney’s daughter Liz told Larry King she supports the so-called “birther” conspiracy theory which questions whether President Obama is a U.S. citizen. She prefers that elected officials be like her father … born in America and kept alive using genuine GM parts.
Actor Stephen Baldwin filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection claiming he owes more than $2.3 million. His only job prospect fell through when Tina Fey refused to turn “30 Rock” into a cop show and hire him as his brother’s stunt double.
Vice President Joe Biden was welcomed by the leaders of Georgia on his tour of former Soviet republics. It was a contrast to the visit from President Bush which went downhill after he started yelling, “Go Bulldogs!”
The Manhattan district attorney's office has dropped misdemeanor assault charges against Kiefer Sutherland for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer in a nightclub. The victim settled after Kiefer promised that, in the next season of “24,” Jack Bauer would save the world from ugly suits.
President Obama is still getting grief for the “dad jeans” he wore to throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game. His daughters asked him to change the date of Father’s Day to next weekend so they can give him some low-riders.
A California teenager has written an iPhone app called "A Note to God" which allows users to send their prayers into cyberspace. People who don’t have iPhones have to send their prayers to God the old-fashioned way … with a tin can connected to a really long string.
Police in Germany arrested a man for allegedly conning people into buying potatoes disguised as iPods, laptop computers and camera equipment. This crime is known in Germany as a “Spudzi Scheme.”
The Italian Coast Guard seized a Maserati convertible that two men had converted into a boat because it wasn’t seaworthy. This marks the first time this year that an auto industry bailout was accomplished using just a bucket.
Police in Virginia are looking for a gang of thieves who robbed at least five Kmart stores by posing as cleaning crews. This caught the attention of Kmart shoppers who were shocked to find out the stores are actually cleaned.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Simon Cowell’s lips move slightly every time her manager speaks
According to a new book, the Bush twins gave Secret Service agents headaches by sneaking out, speeding and bar-hopping. The worst part was when the agents brought the girls back to the White House and had to explain to their angry father why he wasn’t allowed to go along.
Paula Abdul's new manager says she may not be returning to “American Idol.” So far she hasn’t noticed that Simon Cowell’s lips move slightly every time her manager speaks.
Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean has landed a deal for a book called “Still Standing.” Like her early pictures, the book’s jacket will fly off for no apparent reason.
Walter Breuning of Great Falls, Mont., is 112 years old and the new world's oldest known man. He credits his longevity to moderation, keeping busy and having electric candles on his birthday cake.
Tito, Marlon, Jermaine and Jackie Jackson, the surviving members of the Jackson 5, are in negotiations to take over some of the concerts Michael was going to perform at before his death. No terms were released, but the deal is off if LaToya comes along.
According to the latest polls, President Obama's approval ratings are down across the board. Things are so bad, he’s hired an extra Secret Service agent to throw himself between the president and a camera if Obama starts to sweat.
Police in Turin, Italy, say three nuns were caught driving 120 mph on their way to visit Pope Benedict XVI after he broke his wrist in a fall. The nun driving was fined $536 by the police and ordered by the pope to say ten Our Fathers and Hail Marys.
Dating experts say single senior Americans are turning to the Internet to find love. Online dating sties are perfect for seniors since they can’t see well enough to notice their date looks nothing like their picture.
Guinness World Records says a 150-pound cupcake on display at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn., is the largest cupcake in the world. It will be listed in the record book next to the largest Twinkie in the world … Richard Simmons.
Former NFL quarterback Michael Vick is finally a free man after 20 months in federal prison and three months in home confinement. He’s still under a restraining order to stay 100 yards away from dogs, people dressed as dogs and talent show judges who constantly say “Dawg.”
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, the first men on the moon, told President Obama to focus on putting a man on Mars. Obama needs some incentive, like a promise from NASA that the men sent to Mars will be Republican senators.
Paula Abdul's new manager says she may not be returning to “American Idol.” So far she hasn’t noticed that Simon Cowell’s lips move slightly every time her manager speaks.
Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean has landed a deal for a book called “Still Standing.” Like her early pictures, the book’s jacket will fly off for no apparent reason.
Walter Breuning of Great Falls, Mont., is 112 years old and the new world's oldest known man. He credits his longevity to moderation, keeping busy and having electric candles on his birthday cake.
Tito, Marlon, Jermaine and Jackie Jackson, the surviving members of the Jackson 5, are in negotiations to take over some of the concerts Michael was going to perform at before his death. No terms were released, but the deal is off if LaToya comes along.
According to the latest polls, President Obama's approval ratings are down across the board. Things are so bad, he’s hired an extra Secret Service agent to throw himself between the president and a camera if Obama starts to sweat.
Police in Turin, Italy, say three nuns were caught driving 120 mph on their way to visit Pope Benedict XVI after he broke his wrist in a fall. The nun driving was fined $536 by the police and ordered by the pope to say ten Our Fathers and Hail Marys.
Dating experts say single senior Americans are turning to the Internet to find love. Online dating sties are perfect for seniors since they can’t see well enough to notice their date looks nothing like their picture.
Guinness World Records says a 150-pound cupcake on display at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn., is the largest cupcake in the world. It will be listed in the record book next to the largest Twinkie in the world … Richard Simmons.
Former NFL quarterback Michael Vick is finally a free man after 20 months in federal prison and three months in home confinement. He’s still under a restraining order to stay 100 yards away from dogs, people dressed as dogs and talent show judges who constantly say “Dawg.”
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, the first men on the moon, told President Obama to focus on putting a man on Mars. Obama needs some incentive, like a promise from NASA that the men sent to Mars will be Republican senators.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Willard Scott in drag
Pope Benedict XVI is recovering after breaking his right wrist in a fall in his chalet while vacationing in the Italian Alps. It’s too bad it didn’t happen last week in Rome so President Obama could have laid his hands on the pope’s wrist and healed it.
A Los Angeles area man was charged with murder on the high seas in the death of his wife aboard a cruise ship. He’s being sued by thousands of novelists for giving away the ending of their book.
The Today Show’s Meredith Vieira landed an exclusive interview with "Britain's Got Talent" star Susan Boyle. The interview was shocking for a lot of longtime Today Show employees because Boyle looks exactly like Willard Scott in drag.
Newly-released documents show that South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who often bragged about being frugal, used taxpayer money to fly first class and stay in luxury hotels. Sanford is planning a three-hour press conference to explain his love affair with wide airline seats and thick towels.
Former Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick has signed up to appear on the “Access Hollywood Weight Loss Challenge.” Apparently, Marcia-Marcia-Marcia has been eating too many munchies-munchies-munchies.
TV Guide Network is working on a special called “Michael and Elvis: A Tale of Two Kings” comparing the “eerie similarities” in the lives and deaths of Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley. One eerie similarity is that Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis and ex-wife of Michael, thinks the idea is stupid.
A chocolate company in Switzerland has developed a melt-resistant chocolate designed to make eating candy less messy. The new chocolate melts at 131 degrees instead of 98.6 degrees, which means using it in the bedroom will require an electric blanket.
A new DNA study found that the rapid evolution of the Y chromosome carried only by men has led to a rapid gene loss that might lead to the chromosome's disappearance. As proof, the scientists conducting the study included pictures of Bruno and Chaz Bono.
Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana became the first Republican to say he’ll vote for Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation to the Supreme Court. Lugar was then forced to turn around to assure Democrats his fingers weren’t crossed.
The Coast Guard reports that an unidentifiable dark gooey blob floating off the north coast of Alaska is not an oil product but some sort of marine organism. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has volunteered to toss Levi Johnston into the middle of the blob to see what it eats.
A Los Angeles area man was charged with murder on the high seas in the death of his wife aboard a cruise ship. He’s being sued by thousands of novelists for giving away the ending of their book.
The Today Show’s Meredith Vieira landed an exclusive interview with "Britain's Got Talent" star Susan Boyle. The interview was shocking for a lot of longtime Today Show employees because Boyle looks exactly like Willard Scott in drag.
Newly-released documents show that South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who often bragged about being frugal, used taxpayer money to fly first class and stay in luxury hotels. Sanford is planning a three-hour press conference to explain his love affair with wide airline seats and thick towels.
Former Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick has signed up to appear on the “Access Hollywood Weight Loss Challenge.” Apparently, Marcia-Marcia-Marcia has been eating too many munchies-munchies-munchies.
TV Guide Network is working on a special called “Michael and Elvis: A Tale of Two Kings” comparing the “eerie similarities” in the lives and deaths of Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley. One eerie similarity is that Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis and ex-wife of Michael, thinks the idea is stupid.
A chocolate company in Switzerland has developed a melt-resistant chocolate designed to make eating candy less messy. The new chocolate melts at 131 degrees instead of 98.6 degrees, which means using it in the bedroom will require an electric blanket.
A new DNA study found that the rapid evolution of the Y chromosome carried only by men has led to a rapid gene loss that might lead to the chromosome's disappearance. As proof, the scientists conducting the study included pictures of Bruno and Chaz Bono.
Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana became the first Republican to say he’ll vote for Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation to the Supreme Court. Lugar was then forced to turn around to assure Democrats his fingers weren’t crossed.
The Coast Guard reports that an unidentifiable dark gooey blob floating off the north coast of Alaska is not an oil product but some sort of marine organism. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has volunteered to toss Levi Johnston into the middle of the blob to see what it eats.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Our Lady of Perpetual Tan Lines
A new Fish and Wildlife Service study found that one out of five Americans was involved in birdwatching during 2006, contributing $36 billion to the nation's economy. Unfortunately, all the money is gone because one out of five Americans was watching birds instead of banks.
Jessica Simpsom claims she was completely taken by surprise when boyfriend Tony Romo dumped her. She should have gotten a clue when Romo brought her the sports page and all the stories about Steve McNair were cut out.
Catherine Crabill, a Republican running for state office in Virginid in a speech that if the ballot box doesn’t work, “we have to resort to the bullet box.” Virginians are hoping she doesn’t find out that you have to take the bullets out of the box before they work.
NASA and a Hollywood film restoration company have digitally refurbished television video copies of what Apollo 11 beamed back from the moon and made the pictures look sharper. According to conspiracy theorists, now you can clearly see Neil Armstrong reading his famous “One small step” speech from a cue card.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking the Iowa Sate Fair to use a non-dairy spread instead of butter for a sculpture of Michael Jackson. Ironically, no one suggested using chocolate ice cream.
Police in Louisiana arrested a woman who allegedly stabbed her female roommate for requesting she not walk around their apartment in the nude. The cops rushed to the scene after receiving over 100 911 calls from the men’s gym across the street from the apartment’s open window.
A California ice cream shop is experimenting with non-traditional flavors such as beer, bacon and jalapeno. Beer seems to be the least popular, since it gives an ice cream headache followed by a hangover.
A woman in Italy preparing to become a nun is suing her ex-boyfriend to have a topless photo of her removed from his Facebook page. She found out about it after being heavily recruited by a resort parish called Our Lady of Perpetual Tan Lines.
The Sears Tower, America’s tallest building, was officially named the Willis Tower this week in a ceremony in downtown Chicago. The sign in front of the building is already falling apart because workers assembling it were not allowed to use genuine Craftsman tools.
New York Observer owner Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump announced on Twitter that they’re engaged. Their families won’t let them get married until Ivanka converts to Judaism and the Donald finds a yarmulke that won’t mess up his comb-over.
Jessica Simpsom claims she was completely taken by surprise when boyfriend Tony Romo dumped her. She should have gotten a clue when Romo brought her the sports page and all the stories about Steve McNair were cut out.
Catherine Crabill, a Republican running for state office in Virginid in a speech that if the ballot box doesn’t work, “we have to resort to the bullet box.” Virginians are hoping she doesn’t find out that you have to take the bullets out of the box before they work.
NASA and a Hollywood film restoration company have digitally refurbished television video copies of what Apollo 11 beamed back from the moon and made the pictures look sharper. According to conspiracy theorists, now you can clearly see Neil Armstrong reading his famous “One small step” speech from a cue card.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is asking the Iowa Sate Fair to use a non-dairy spread instead of butter for a sculpture of Michael Jackson. Ironically, no one suggested using chocolate ice cream.
Police in Louisiana arrested a woman who allegedly stabbed her female roommate for requesting she not walk around their apartment in the nude. The cops rushed to the scene after receiving over 100 911 calls from the men’s gym across the street from the apartment’s open window.
A California ice cream shop is experimenting with non-traditional flavors such as beer, bacon and jalapeno. Beer seems to be the least popular, since it gives an ice cream headache followed by a hangover.
A woman in Italy preparing to become a nun is suing her ex-boyfriend to have a topless photo of her removed from his Facebook page. She found out about it after being heavily recruited by a resort parish called Our Lady of Perpetual Tan Lines.
The Sears Tower, America’s tallest building, was officially named the Willis Tower this week in a ceremony in downtown Chicago. The sign in front of the building is already falling apart because workers assembling it were not allowed to use genuine Craftsman tools.
New York Observer owner Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump announced on Twitter that they’re engaged. Their families won’t let them get married until Ivanka converts to Judaism and the Donald finds a yarmulke that won’t mess up his comb-over.
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