Four women quit a new female wrestling team in Diwaniya, Iraq, south of Baghdad, because a cleric said that wrestling can lead to promiscuity. The coach is pretty upset because they were his best wrestlers: The Fabulous Fallujah, Iraqin’ Robin, Big Burka and The Roadside Bombshell.
According to the latest polls, President Obama’s approval rating dropped 7 points to 56 percent. The results are questionable because pollsters in southern states printed their surveys on the back of fake birth certificates.
A Spanish toymaker has developed a breast-feeding doll that comes with a special halter top little girls can wear to pretend to breast-feed their babies. If that’s not creepy enough, once the little girls get tired of playing with the dolls, they still want to keep the big breasts.
The Senate confirmed Sonia Sotomayor as the first Hispanic justice on the Supreme Court with a 68-31 vote. The 31 senators on the losing side felt vindicated when Sotomayor gave them no sympathy.
A Kenyan man offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for he daughter Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage. Hillary turned him down but Bill called and asked the guy if he’d trade the 40 young goats for one old one.
Aerosmith’s lead singer Steven Tyler is recovering after falling off the stage during a concert at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. Tyler doesn’t have any trouble dancing backwards, but he was leaning forward and the weight of his teeth tipped him over.
A South Korean hypnotist was fined for kissing a woman he took out on a date and thought he had successfully put to sleep. Poor guy had never been married so he couldn’t tell that the woman was faking it.
New ads on Brazilian TV tell Brazilians that if they urinate in the shower instead of flushing it down the commode, a household can save over 1,100 gallons of water a year. If Brazilians have trouble getting the flow going, they’re told to imagine the person they’re showering with is a tree.
Appearing at the annual Television Critics Association get-together, Jay Leno said he lost weight by running four miles a day. He tried Jay-walking, but was constantly being stopped by people begging him to ask them a question.
Sprint and Samsung have joined forces to develop a $50 “eco-conscious” with a casing of biodegradable plastic made partly from corn. So far, the main problem is that the corn makes voices sound husky.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Honk if you love humans
According to a new survey, nearly 90 percent of U.S. adults prefer dealing with people face-to-face rather than on Facebook. The other 10 percent are convinced no one can tell their picture has been Photoshopped.
Data from the Consumer Product Safety Commission shows that cheerleading is still the top cause of injury in young female athletes. The most serious injuries occur when walking past the football team’s dorm in their cheerleader outfits.
In a recent interview, Ryan O’Neal revealed that he hit on his own daughter, Tatum, after not recognizing her at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral. What’s worse, Tatum didn’t recognize him either when she turned him down by saying he was old enough to be her grandfather.
Sarah Palin's spokespeople continue to deny Internet reports that she and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. To prove it, Sarah and Todd were spotted at a Wasila gun shop trading in their moose rifles for matching blogger guns.
The so-called “birther” movement is now pointing to an alleged Kenyan birth certificate as proof that President Obama was not born in the U.S. This document is so full of errors, it looks like it came from the “after” ad for correction fluid.
A man in Virginia got a jaywalking ticket for helping a family of Canada geese cross a busy street. The geese are trying to rally support for the man by passing out bumper stickers to other geese that read, “Honk if you love humans.”
Organizers of a British attempt at a world record for the most bikini-wearing women photographed in one place missed the record by around 1,900 when only 42 women showed up. Their first mistake was offering any woman who showed up in a bikini a free serving of that British dessert, spotted dick.
The Obama administration is considering a move to convince Iran so shut down its nuclear program by cutting off gasoline imports to that country. Since Iran’s oil reserves are the second-largest in the world, this is like trying to convince politicians to stop having affairs by banning foreign women.
Officials of the Hungarian Football Association are refusing to allow Madonna to perform at Budapest's soccer stadium. Besides messing up the field, they’re afraid the players would get depressed when they compare their skinny arms to Madonna’s.
British candy maker Cadbury is bringing back its Wispa Gold chocolate bar with a gold leaf-covered special edition bar priced at $1,618 chocolate. It’s safely on display in a vending machine that only takes wire transfers from Swiss banks.
A man in North Babylon, N.Y., swung at nearly 7,000 baseball pitches for 13 1/2 hours during a failed attempt to break a Guinness world record. He was cheered up when a Major League Baseball official said that his total number of missed swings qualified him as an honorary Washington National.
Ford Motor Company claims the government’s cash-for-clunkers program helped it record its first monthly sales increase in nearly two years. On the other hand, General Motors dealers were disappointed when prospective buyers parked their clunkers next to the new models and couldn’t tell them apart.
Data from the Consumer Product Safety Commission shows that cheerleading is still the top cause of injury in young female athletes. The most serious injuries occur when walking past the football team’s dorm in their cheerleader outfits.
In a recent interview, Ryan O’Neal revealed that he hit on his own daughter, Tatum, after not recognizing her at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral. What’s worse, Tatum didn’t recognize him either when she turned him down by saying he was old enough to be her grandfather.
Sarah Palin's spokespeople continue to deny Internet reports that she and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. To prove it, Sarah and Todd were spotted at a Wasila gun shop trading in their moose rifles for matching blogger guns.
The so-called “birther” movement is now pointing to an alleged Kenyan birth certificate as proof that President Obama was not born in the U.S. This document is so full of errors, it looks like it came from the “after” ad for correction fluid.
A man in Virginia got a jaywalking ticket for helping a family of Canada geese cross a busy street. The geese are trying to rally support for the man by passing out bumper stickers to other geese that read, “Honk if you love humans.”
Organizers of a British attempt at a world record for the most bikini-wearing women photographed in one place missed the record by around 1,900 when only 42 women showed up. Their first mistake was offering any woman who showed up in a bikini a free serving of that British dessert, spotted dick.
The Obama administration is considering a move to convince Iran so shut down its nuclear program by cutting off gasoline imports to that country. Since Iran’s oil reserves are the second-largest in the world, this is like trying to convince politicians to stop having affairs by banning foreign women.
Officials of the Hungarian Football Association are refusing to allow Madonna to perform at Budapest's soccer stadium. Besides messing up the field, they’re afraid the players would get depressed when they compare their skinny arms to Madonna’s.
British candy maker Cadbury is bringing back its Wispa Gold chocolate bar with a gold leaf-covered special edition bar priced at $1,618 chocolate. It’s safely on display in a vending machine that only takes wire transfers from Swiss banks.
A man in North Babylon, N.Y., swung at nearly 7,000 baseball pitches for 13 1/2 hours during a failed attempt to break a Guinness world record. He was cheered up when a Major League Baseball official said that his total number of missed swings qualified him as an honorary Washington National.
Ford Motor Company claims the government’s cash-for-clunkers program helped it record its first monthly sales increase in nearly two years. On the other hand, General Motors dealers were disappointed when prospective buyers parked their clunkers next to the new models and couldn’t tell them apart.
Friday, July 31, 2009
The “tastes great-less filling” summit
According to a study in the New England Journal of Medicine, scientists in Europe used mosquitoes as flying needles to deliver a “vaccine” of live malaria parasites that would immunize the person they bit. Looks like we Americans aren’t the only ones getting stung by our health care providers.
The bomb squad was called out to inspect a suspicious package discovered outside Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Studios in Chicago and determined it was harmless. Oprah was so relieved, she ran around the audience yelling, “You get a bomb-sniffing dog! You get a bomb-sniffing dog! Everybody gets a bomb-sniffing dog!
Debbie Rowe, the mother of Michael Jackson's two oldest children, will get $4 million as part of a child custody deal that will allow the kids to stay with their grandmother. Rowe plans to use part of the money for psychiatric treatment to help her stop feeling so icky all over.
“Seinfeld” co-creator Larry David is reuniting the cast of “Seinfeld” for the finale of his current show, “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Based on how their careers have gone since then, the episode should be called “Curse Your Enthusiasm.”
According to a new poll, only 42 percent of Republicans believe that President Barack Obama was born in the United States. The rest can’t find Hawaii, Obama’s stated birthplace, on a globe because it doesn’t look anything like the flat one they have at home.
The House has approved an additional $2 billion for the “Cash for clunkers” program, which has already spent the first $1 billion it was allocated. Some of the money will come from recycled aluminum cans from President Obama’s new “Beer for diplomacy” program.
Researchers at Zurich University have found that people who live in the Swiss Alps have fewer heart problems than those living in valleys. They’re not sure if it’s due to the altitude, food or exercise from trying to keep from sliding down the mountains using nothing but a Swiss army knife.
Police in Michigan arrested a man who assaulted a female friend for refusing to sell him Park Place and Boardwalk while playing Monopoly. The man went directly to jail in a silver car and did not have the $200 needed for bail.
Swimming's governing body FINA has decided to ban the new record-breaking swimsuits starting on January 1. That gives swimmers five more months before they have to go back to using those painful eight-blade body hair razors.
After having a beer with president Obama and Vice President Biden, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge police Sgt. Joseph Crowley agreed to disagree. At that point, the so-called “beer summit” became the “tastes great-less filling” summit.
After being pulled over for a traffic violation, a woman in Georgia was arrested when police found $13,000 worth of methamphetamine in her bra. The cops got suspicious when her breasts kept trying to hide behind her back.
The bomb squad was called out to inspect a suspicious package discovered outside Oprah Winfrey's Harpo Studios in Chicago and determined it was harmless. Oprah was so relieved, she ran around the audience yelling, “You get a bomb-sniffing dog! You get a bomb-sniffing dog! Everybody gets a bomb-sniffing dog!
Debbie Rowe, the mother of Michael Jackson's two oldest children, will get $4 million as part of a child custody deal that will allow the kids to stay with their grandmother. Rowe plans to use part of the money for psychiatric treatment to help her stop feeling so icky all over.
“Seinfeld” co-creator Larry David is reuniting the cast of “Seinfeld” for the finale of his current show, “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Based on how their careers have gone since then, the episode should be called “Curse Your Enthusiasm.”
According to a new poll, only 42 percent of Republicans believe that President Barack Obama was born in the United States. The rest can’t find Hawaii, Obama’s stated birthplace, on a globe because it doesn’t look anything like the flat one they have at home.
The House has approved an additional $2 billion for the “Cash for clunkers” program, which has already spent the first $1 billion it was allocated. Some of the money will come from recycled aluminum cans from President Obama’s new “Beer for diplomacy” program.
Researchers at Zurich University have found that people who live in the Swiss Alps have fewer heart problems than those living in valleys. They’re not sure if it’s due to the altitude, food or exercise from trying to keep from sliding down the mountains using nothing but a Swiss army knife.
Police in Michigan arrested a man who assaulted a female friend for refusing to sell him Park Place and Boardwalk while playing Monopoly. The man went directly to jail in a silver car and did not have the $200 needed for bail.
Swimming's governing body FINA has decided to ban the new record-breaking swimsuits starting on January 1. That gives swimmers five more months before they have to go back to using those painful eight-blade body hair razors.
After having a beer with president Obama and Vice President Biden, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge police Sgt. Joseph Crowley agreed to disagree. At that point, the so-called “beer summit” became the “tastes great-less filling” summit.
After being pulled over for a traffic violation, a woman in Georgia was arrested when police found $13,000 worth of methamphetamine in her bra. The cops got suspicious when her breasts kept trying to hide behind her back.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Hairy Governor and the Chamber of Senate
Because of the recession, brothels in German are offering customers the chance to sleep with as many prostitutes as they like for a single fee. If this were a porn movie, it would be called “Cheap Throat.”
Sources in the radio industry say Clear Channel has turned down Sarah Palin as a radio talk show host because it doesn’t think she can talk for three hours a day. They also feared what might happen if college students listening to the show started taking a drink every time Sarah said “You betcha.”
Last year, the Cleveland Indians traded CC Sabathia the year after he won the Cy Young Award. This week they did it again, trading reigning Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. If you’re keeping score, the symbol for this move is a “W” covered with correction fluid.
Michael Vick says he is getting close to signing with an NFL team. He won’t say which one, but umor has it the team’s initials are W-T-F.
The current Buick Open golf tournament will be the last one sponsored by General Motors. The younger golfers have been bugging Tom Watson all week to tell them what it was like in the old days when people actually bought Buicks.
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has finished his book about his impeachment and removal from office. He’s hoping to eventually turn it into a movie by calling it “Hairy Governor and the Chamber of Senate.”
The Swedish tax agency, which is in charge of Swedish baby names, has denied a family's request to have their newborn daughter named Michael after Michael Jackson because it’s a boy’s name. Following the same Jackson logic, the agency took away the baby girl’s favorite toy because “Blanket” is also a boy’s name.
Nine elderly men from a Virginia retirement community posed naked for a calendar to raise money for a local volunteer rescue squad. There were supposed to be three more, but the photographer showed up on the day the cafeteria served prunes.
Disney World has agreed to replace a toy sword and a toy gun taken from two young boys by Transportation Security Administration officers at a Fort Lauderdale airport. Now they need to give TSA a supply of Goofy hats.
Police officers in Calgary, Alberta – Canada’s self-proclaimed "Cowtown" – are turning in their police caps for white cowboy hats. The cops are just glad Calgary’s nickname isn’t “Beanie Town.”
Eight people named "John Doe" are on voter registration rolls in the state of New York. Seven of the men took the name as a joke while the eighth one only uses it when Hillary is out of town.
Sources in the radio industry say Clear Channel has turned down Sarah Palin as a radio talk show host because it doesn’t think she can talk for three hours a day. They also feared what might happen if college students listening to the show started taking a drink every time Sarah said “You betcha.”
Last year, the Cleveland Indians traded CC Sabathia the year after he won the Cy Young Award. This week they did it again, trading reigning Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. If you’re keeping score, the symbol for this move is a “W” covered with correction fluid.
Michael Vick says he is getting close to signing with an NFL team. He won’t say which one, but umor has it the team’s initials are W-T-F.
The current Buick Open golf tournament will be the last one sponsored by General Motors. The younger golfers have been bugging Tom Watson all week to tell them what it was like in the old days when people actually bought Buicks.
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has finished his book about his impeachment and removal from office. He’s hoping to eventually turn it into a movie by calling it “Hairy Governor and the Chamber of Senate.”
The Swedish tax agency, which is in charge of Swedish baby names, has denied a family's request to have their newborn daughter named Michael after Michael Jackson because it’s a boy’s name. Following the same Jackson logic, the agency took away the baby girl’s favorite toy because “Blanket” is also a boy’s name.
Nine elderly men from a Virginia retirement community posed naked for a calendar to raise money for a local volunteer rescue squad. There were supposed to be three more, but the photographer showed up on the day the cafeteria served prunes.
Disney World has agreed to replace a toy sword and a toy gun taken from two young boys by Transportation Security Administration officers at a Fort Lauderdale airport. Now they need to give TSA a supply of Goofy hats.
Police officers in Calgary, Alberta – Canada’s self-proclaimed "Cowtown" – are turning in their police caps for white cowboy hats. The cops are just glad Calgary’s nickname isn’t “Beanie Town.”
Eight people named "John Doe" are on voter registration rolls in the state of New York. Seven of the men took the name as a joke while the eighth one only uses it when Hillary is out of town.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Yahooters!
A new study reports that the ultraviolet radiation from tanning beds is as dangerous as arsenic. The only thing this study accomplished was to inspire Judd Apatow to start on a new movie called “Tanning Bed and Old Lace.”
Commenting on his recent broken wrist due to a fall, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Unfortunately, my own guardian angel did not prevent my injury, certainly following superior orders.” This is the same guardian angel he blamed for not stopping him from staring at First Lady Michelle Obama’s legs.
Fox News Channel commentator Glenn Beck says he believes President Barack Obama is a racist. He came to this conclusion while listening to Obama’s last press conference using his Rush Limbaugh secret decoder headphones.
The front page of Israel's biggest daily newspaper is carrying articles in Hebrew written by Madonna under her Hebrew name of Esther. I don’t read Hebrew but I think one of them is about how you can get arms like her by pumping bagels.
Quarterback Brett Favre has decided not to come out of retirement and play for the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings are now testing face-covering helmets that will hide a player’s identity in hopes of secretly signing Michael Vick.
Insiders in the radio industry say Sarah Palin’s representatives “have been quietly testing the waters to see how much interest radio syndicators have for her.” Palin will be a tough sell on radio unless they can figure out a way to broadcast the sound effect of a wink.
A Russian group has asked Madonna to dress modestly and sing a revolutionary song when she performs in St. Petersburg this weekend. Madonna is hoping they’ll accept her wearing a fur bikini and singing a Russian version of one of her hits, “Like A Frozen Virgin.”
Police in Atlanta arrested a woman for allegedly running a strip club in her basement. Neighbors started to get suspicious lat Christmas when she gave them all gift-wrapped boxes of dollar bills.
The mayor of Venice, Italy, called the police after he caught a tourist urinating into a canal. The man apparently thought he was in Las Vegas.
Microsoft and Yahoo! have worked out a deal where Yahoo! will provide Microsoft’s new search engine, Bing. In retaliation, Google is redirecting all searches containing an exclamation point to a porn site called Yahooters!
A study of 2,000 U.S. women ages 45-80 found that 60 percent of them had been sexually active in the previous three months. For a complete list of their names, check out the Twitter followers of Ashton Kutcher.
Some health officials are warning that college students need to take steps to protect themselves from the swine flu virus by getting two flu shots. University infirmaries are hoping to entice students to get the shots by offering them with salt and limes.
Flower and gift retailer 1-800-Flowers.com has become the first company to open a store for its products on Facebook. They hope to target married guys who post comments indicating they’re guilty of something.
Commenting on his recent broken wrist due to a fall, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Unfortunately, my own guardian angel did not prevent my injury, certainly following superior orders.” This is the same guardian angel he blamed for not stopping him from staring at First Lady Michelle Obama’s legs.
Fox News Channel commentator Glenn Beck says he believes President Barack Obama is a racist. He came to this conclusion while listening to Obama’s last press conference using his Rush Limbaugh secret decoder headphones.
The front page of Israel's biggest daily newspaper is carrying articles in Hebrew written by Madonna under her Hebrew name of Esther. I don’t read Hebrew but I think one of them is about how you can get arms like her by pumping bagels.
Quarterback Brett Favre has decided not to come out of retirement and play for the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings are now testing face-covering helmets that will hide a player’s identity in hopes of secretly signing Michael Vick.
Insiders in the radio industry say Sarah Palin’s representatives “have been quietly testing the waters to see how much interest radio syndicators have for her.” Palin will be a tough sell on radio unless they can figure out a way to broadcast the sound effect of a wink.
A Russian group has asked Madonna to dress modestly and sing a revolutionary song when she performs in St. Petersburg this weekend. Madonna is hoping they’ll accept her wearing a fur bikini and singing a Russian version of one of her hits, “Like A Frozen Virgin.”
Police in Atlanta arrested a woman for allegedly running a strip club in her basement. Neighbors started to get suspicious lat Christmas when she gave them all gift-wrapped boxes of dollar bills.
The mayor of Venice, Italy, called the police after he caught a tourist urinating into a canal. The man apparently thought he was in Las Vegas.
Microsoft and Yahoo! have worked out a deal where Yahoo! will provide Microsoft’s new search engine, Bing. In retaliation, Google is redirecting all searches containing an exclamation point to a porn site called Yahooters!
A study of 2,000 U.S. women ages 45-80 found that 60 percent of them had been sexually active in the previous three months. For a complete list of their names, check out the Twitter followers of Ashton Kutcher.
Some health officials are warning that college students need to take steps to protect themselves from the swine flu virus by getting two flu shots. University infirmaries are hoping to entice students to get the shots by offering them with salt and limes.
Flower and gift retailer 1-800-Flowers.com has become the first company to open a store for its products on Facebook. They hope to target married guys who post comments indicating they’re guilty of something.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Chased by giant fruit flies who looked like Grace Slick
Olympic gold medalist Ricky Berens tore the back of his swimsuit in competition at the World Swimming Championships in Rome and exposed his rear to the fans. Everyone else was swimming the freestyle while he did the butt-erfly.
Scientists have discovered that the compound Brilliant Blue G can help heal spinal cord injuries but also turns the patient’s skin bright blue. That explains why the guy in the wheelchair on “Handicapped Parking” signs is never a Smurf.
Former quarterback Michael Vick has been conditionally reinstated by the NFL and can join a team and possibly play for a part of this season. Any team that signs him should first find a trainer who can tape both ankles and mouths.
According to a new study, a driver texting on a cell phone is 23.2 times as likely to be in a crash as an undistracted driver. On the other hand, a driver who is texting is 23.2 times more likely to have 100 Facebook friends there in minutes to claim it was the other driver’s fault.
Kim Kardashian's publicist says she and pro football player Reggie Bush have broken up after two years of dating. Kim was upset he didn’t list the number of times they had sex before a win in last season’s stats.
A New York man suffered second- and third-degree burns after his wife allegedly poured scalding water on his crotch for cheating on her. The wife was charged with assault and her lawyer will be paid for by the group Wives of Republican Senators.
New York's first Las Vegas-style wedding chapel has opened on the Lower East Side. You can tell it’s in New York because the Elvis impersonator shoves the couple down the aisle to make room for the next one.
Two U.S. scientists trying to learn more about human psychosis and schizophrenia are studying rats and fruit
flies that have taken LSD. In one test, the rats ran through the maze in record time thinking they were being chased by giant fruit flies who looked like Grace Slick.
Republican Senator and Baseball Hall of Fame member Jim Bunning announced he will not seek re-election to his Kentucky seat next year. Although he’s 72, Bunning feels he can do more for the right in Washington by becoming a right-handed relief pitcher for the Nationals.
Police in Milwaukee arrested a man accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores because he enjoys being around eyewear. He stole more than 500 pairs of glasses, but his lawyer says he should only be charged for 250 since the second pair was free.
Scientists have discovered that the compound Brilliant Blue G can help heal spinal cord injuries but also turns the patient’s skin bright blue. That explains why the guy in the wheelchair on “Handicapped Parking” signs is never a Smurf.
Former quarterback Michael Vick has been conditionally reinstated by the NFL and can join a team and possibly play for a part of this season. Any team that signs him should first find a trainer who can tape both ankles and mouths.
According to a new study, a driver texting on a cell phone is 23.2 times as likely to be in a crash as an undistracted driver. On the other hand, a driver who is texting is 23.2 times more likely to have 100 Facebook friends there in minutes to claim it was the other driver’s fault.
Kim Kardashian's publicist says she and pro football player Reggie Bush have broken up after two years of dating. Kim was upset he didn’t list the number of times they had sex before a win in last season’s stats.
A New York man suffered second- and third-degree burns after his wife allegedly poured scalding water on his crotch for cheating on her. The wife was charged with assault and her lawyer will be paid for by the group Wives of Republican Senators.
New York's first Las Vegas-style wedding chapel has opened on the Lower East Side. You can tell it’s in New York because the Elvis impersonator shoves the couple down the aisle to make room for the next one.
Two U.S. scientists trying to learn more about human psychosis and schizophrenia are studying rats and fruit
flies that have taken LSD. In one test, the rats ran through the maze in record time thinking they were being chased by giant fruit flies who looked like Grace Slick.
Republican Senator and Baseball Hall of Fame member Jim Bunning announced he will not seek re-election to his Kentucky seat next year. Although he’s 72, Bunning feels he can do more for the right in Washington by becoming a right-handed relief pitcher for the Nationals.
Police in Milwaukee arrested a man accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from stores because he enjoys being around eyewear. He stole more than 500 pairs of glasses, but his lawyer says he should only be charged for 250 since the second pair was free.
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