Sunday, September 7, 2008

Keith Richard calls it “an eye-opener.”

The University of Idaho football team has decided to remove the letter “I” from the buttocks region of players' new pants following a season-opening 70-0 loss to the Arizona Wildcats. Rthe team will play its next game with no logo, but if they lose like that again, the coaches should replace the “I” with a bull’s-eye and start kicking some butts.

John McCain’s legal staff is hard at work. After watching a short person who flies stand next to a taller one who likes to talk about moose, they’re working to suppress all references to Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Experts are saying the government plans to take over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac could amount to the largest financial bailout in the nation's history. It’s so big, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is trying to get Ed McMahon to deliver the check.

President Bush took a tour of the Gettysburg National Military Park over the weekend. He’s suddenly become a fan of the Gettysburg address after Republicans responded so favorably to the short speech he gave at the convention.

Visitors to a zoo in Tokyo are shocked to see polar bears that have accidentally turned green due to an overgrowth of algae in their water pond. A similar thing is happening in Alaska, only the polar bears there are getting green on purpose so they can hide in the grass from Sarah Palin.

It’s tough to find anyone who liked the first commercial Jerry Seinfeld did for Microsoft. Bill Gates is so embarrassed, he’s gone undercover by getting a good haircut.

Police in Australia have placed a one-case-of-beer-per-adult-per-day limit for the three-day festivities surrounding the upcoming Bathurst 1000 scheduled for the second weekend in October. In support of their Down Under buddies, thousands of NASCAR fans are offering to fly to Australia as part of a Rent-An-Adult-For-A-Day program.

Chris Coleman, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota, hit a hole-in-one in his first golf outing after the close of the Republican convention in his city. Sarah Palin immediately took credit for it because he was using the moose-rifle grip she showed him.

Veterinarians in China say an Asian elephant that had become addicted to heroin is being transferred to a wildlife sanctuary after three years of detoxification. They cured the elephant by giving it five times the normal human dose of methadone every day, or as Keith Richard calls it, “an eye-opener.”

Producers of the popular Fox series “24” say shooting will be delayed 18 days while one of the scripts is being polished. Rumor has it this will be the first time in the show’s history Jack Bauer is rescued by a female vice president firing an assault rifle from the back of a moose.

Continental Airlines is the latest air carrier to begin charging economy-class passengers $15 for checking a single bag. And before you get any ideas, they will also charge $15 if you’re wearing so many clothes that you need a seatbelt-extender.

No comments:

Post a Comment