Thursday, September 11, 2008

Mermaid Night in Cleveland

The latest rumor out of North Korea is that leader Kim Jong Il had brain surgery after a stroke last month and could have partial paralysis on one side. Always the tyrant, he ordered his doctors to make sure his hand was paralyzed with the middle finger raised.

Two years after rules were eased defining exactly what constitutes a miracle, no new miracles have been reported at Lourdes in France. A number of them came close, but the Catholic Church does not officially recognize come-from-behind victories in football as miracles except in the case of Notre Dame.

A Democratic Republic of Congo official has ordered the release of a dozen goats he claims were improperly held in a jail after being sold illegally along the side of a road. The jailer was glad to see them go because the goats did nothing but bleat about conjugal visits.

Swedish broadcaster SVT released a previously unseen film clip allegedly showing the release of POW John McCain to the U.S. military in Hanoi in 1973. The McCain campaign has already obtained a copy and is splicing it with another video to make it look like Sarah Palin rescued him with her trusty moose rifle.

An inmate who says he bought moldy cookies while in jail in Washington state is suing the county for pain, suffering and emotional distress from the vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramps the cookies gave him. He also plans to use the experience to justify his run for the presidency in 2012.

Barack Obama says former President Clinton will campaign for him during the weeks leading up to Election Day. Clinton’s main job will be to get photographed getting a Monica from Sarah.

The classic rock band Yes, which was forced to cancel their 40th anniversary tour this year due to the illness of lead singer Jon Anderson, has decided to relaunch the tour with a Yes tribute band singer. They got the idea after someone pointed out that the Republican Party wants to replace George W. Bush with the leader of a George W. Bush tribute band.

A two-year, $5.3 million investigation by the Interior Department found the workers at an agency issuing offshore drilling leases were having sex and using drugs with energy company representatives they did government business with. Instead of “Drill, baby, drill,” they were apparently saying “Drill, oh baby baby baby, drill!”

ABC announced that Charles Gibson's interviews with Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin will be part of a special prime-time edition of “20/20.” ABC is concerned about losing ratings points to Fox News’ eight week Sarah Palin 24/7 marathon.

Federal regulators trying to contain a fish-killing virus in the Great Lakes region have issued rules for shipping live fish across state lines that some wholesalers say will be financially devastating. The rules are also hurting strip clubs in Cleveland who bring in swimmers from Las Vegas for Mermaid Night.

No comments:

Post a Comment