In his new book, former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge says he was pressured to raise the terror alert to help President Bush win re-election in 2004. Bush wanted it raised to red but Dick Cheney kept pushing Ridge to go all the way to black-and-blue.
A Seattle woman is suing magician David Copperfield, alleging he sexually assaulted her while she was a guest on his private island in the Bahamas. She thought he was going to cut her in half with a saw and didn’t like it when he refused to stop trying to karate-chop her with his bare hands.
Paula Abdul tweeted again that she’s not coming back as a judge on “American Idol.” It’s too bad because she’s finally starting to make sense in sentences she could say in under ten seconds.
Céline Dion is expecting her second child and has revealed that it’s from an embryo that had been kept frozen in liquid nitrogen for the past eight years. This is the start of a new chapter in Céline’s life but the end of a popular Vegas show called “Céline Dion’s Embryo On Ice.”
Sting’s daughter, Coc Sumner, says in a new magazine interview that the story of her father’s legendary prowess in bed, including those eight-hour marathon sessions with her mother, are actually a joke started by Bob Geldof. Sting is so upset the truth is out, he told Geldof he should to start planning a new concert called Dead Aid.
Oprah Winfrey will interview Whitney Houston on the 24th season premiere of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Instead of a car, rumor has it Whitney and Oprah will give everyone in the studio audience a free restraining order against Bobby Brown.
Filmmaker Robert Zemeckis is rumored to be in talks to direct a remake of the 1968 animated Beatles movie musical, “Yellow Submarine.” Zemeckis is hoping to get Paul and Ringo to make some of the songs more current, like “When I’m 84,” “All You Need Is Fiber” and “Lucy In the Sky With Diapers.”
A health organization is filing complaints against California porn production companies to promote the use of condoms in porn videos. Porn producers say nobody wants to see movies called “Deep Latex” or “Behind The Green Skin.”
People in Raleigh, North Carolina, are flocking to see what looks like a 30-foot-tall image of Jesus in a kudzu vine growing on a utility pole next to some railroad tracks. This is the first time Jesus has been seen in a weed, although many people consuming weed have seen Jesus.
Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to second-degree attempted criminal possession of the weapon he shot himself in the leg with and was sentenced to two years in prison. That’s one day for each of the excuses he gave for having a gun in his pants.
A new study found that ancient Chinese herbal formulas for heart disease may produce large amounts of nitrous oxide which actually widens arteries. Chinese restaurants are rushing to add the herbs to their menus in a special heart-healthy dish called Doctor Tso’s Chicken.
President Barack Obama will appear in a back-to-school television special next month with singer Kelly Clarkson and basketball star LeBron James. The president plans to explain to kids that schoolyard arguments should not be settled with beer.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Change the name of the ride to New York Subway
Simon Fraser University in British Columbia, Canada, has a new grade called FD -- meaning failure with dishonesty -- which is the possible grade a student can receive. American colleges are considering a similar new worst grade called LB, which means Lower than Bush.
Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will attend the Emmys to accept the Philo T. Farnsworth Award on behalf of NASA for the innovations that allowed the Apollo crew's live TV broadcast from the moon. Neil Armstrong couldn’t make it, but suggested that Aldrin open his acceptance speech with, “One small statue for man …”
A group of Bulgarian Orthodox priests want Madonna's upcoming concert in Sofia because it falls on St. John the Baptist day, a religious holiday on which fun and celebrations are not allowed. They didn’t accept Madonna’s offer to honor St. John the Baptist by wearing a wet T-shirt.
A number of state attorney generals are reporting an increase in unwanted phone call complaints from people on do-not-call lists. It’s getting so bad, the attorney generals are putting complainers on their do-not-answer lists.
According to ACT Inc., the Iowa company that conducts college aptitude tests, only about one-fourth of 2009 U.S. high school graduates have the skills needed to succeed in college. The number would be even lower if ACT asked students to remember to bring their own number 2 pencils.
Oliver Stone is creating a 10-episode documentary series called "Oliver Stone's Secret History of America" focusing on under-reported events that Stone believes shaped U.S. history. The events include the premieres of “Platoon,” “Natural Born Killers” and “JFK.”
Nickelodeon, the city of New Orleans and Southern Star Amusement have announced plans to create a themed water park called Nickelodeon Universe New Orleans. Combining Nickelodeon characters with New Orleans culture, the park will feature CrawfishBob SquarePants and Dora the Beads Flasher.
Management at the Thorpe amusement park in Chertsey, England, has banned roller coaster riders from putting their arms in the air during rides due to concerns about body odor. Complaints about b.o. were so high, it was either kick off the offenders or change the name of the ride to New York Subway.
Scientists at the California Institute of Technology have identified two groups of neurons in fruit fly brains that control obesity. If you’ve never seen an obese fruit fly, check the low-hanging fruit.
A new study found that people who play video games have a higher body mass index and a greater number of poor mental health days compared to non-players. This is the same group of video game players that’s demanding a new version of Guitar Hero featuring the music of Meat Loaf
Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank addressed a town hall meeting protester who compared President Obama to Hitler by saying, “Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table.” Frank was then hit by a number of flying plates thrown by a dining room table in the back.
Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will attend the Emmys to accept the Philo T. Farnsworth Award on behalf of NASA for the innovations that allowed the Apollo crew's live TV broadcast from the moon. Neil Armstrong couldn’t make it, but suggested that Aldrin open his acceptance speech with, “One small statue for man …”
A group of Bulgarian Orthodox priests want Madonna's upcoming concert in Sofia because it falls on St. John the Baptist day, a religious holiday on which fun and celebrations are not allowed. They didn’t accept Madonna’s offer to honor St. John the Baptist by wearing a wet T-shirt.
A number of state attorney generals are reporting an increase in unwanted phone call complaints from people on do-not-call lists. It’s getting so bad, the attorney generals are putting complainers on their do-not-answer lists.
According to ACT Inc., the Iowa company that conducts college aptitude tests, only about one-fourth of 2009 U.S. high school graduates have the skills needed to succeed in college. The number would be even lower if ACT asked students to remember to bring their own number 2 pencils.
Oliver Stone is creating a 10-episode documentary series called "Oliver Stone's Secret History of America" focusing on under-reported events that Stone believes shaped U.S. history. The events include the premieres of “Platoon,” “Natural Born Killers” and “JFK.”
Nickelodeon, the city of New Orleans and Southern Star Amusement have announced plans to create a themed water park called Nickelodeon Universe New Orleans. Combining Nickelodeon characters with New Orleans culture, the park will feature CrawfishBob SquarePants and Dora the Beads Flasher.
Management at the Thorpe amusement park in Chertsey, England, has banned roller coaster riders from putting their arms in the air during rides due to concerns about body odor. Complaints about b.o. were so high, it was either kick off the offenders or change the name of the ride to New York Subway.
Scientists at the California Institute of Technology have identified two groups of neurons in fruit fly brains that control obesity. If you’ve never seen an obese fruit fly, check the low-hanging fruit.
A new study found that people who play video games have a higher body mass index and a greater number of poor mental health days compared to non-players. This is the same group of video game players that’s demanding a new version of Guitar Hero featuring the music of Meat Loaf
Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank addressed a town hall meeting protester who compared President Obama to Hitler by saying, “Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table.” Frank was then hit by a number of flying plates thrown by a dining room table in the back.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Stop! I’m a proctologist!
According to people he’s talked to while writing his memoir, former Vice President Dick Cheney now says he was believes President George W. Bush got wimpy during his second term. Apparently Bush would pass out when Cheney would lift his shirt, pull out his heart and showed him the battery.
British troops seized several tons of raw opium on a farm belonging to the half brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Karzai had been warned to keep an eye on his ne’er-do-well brother by both former president Jimmy Carter and Jeb Bush.
Best Buy management says it will not honor an ad that mistakenly offered a big-screen TV for $9.99. Unless the customer is willing to pay full price for the $1,600 cord.
Washington state police are looking for a so-called witch doctor who offered to “cleanse” her clients’ money of evil and instead ran off with nearly $140,000. The woman used a variety of names, including Senora Monica, Fannie Mae and Bernice Madoff.
Archaeologists digging on the Isle of Mann have uncovered what may be the oldest dwelling in Britain – a 9,000-year-old shelter made of wooden posts and animal skins. They were able to date it using a stone tablet found there describing a book called “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stonehenge.”
Scientists at Brown University say they've discovered that the Candida albicans fungus performs both same-sex and opposite-sex mating activities. That explains why the fungus is common at Brown University frat parties.
Federal officials are considering a maximum-security prison in Standish, Michigan, for housing Guantanamo Bay detainees. The prisoners would be kept in line using solitary confinement, barbed wire and threats to move them to Detroit.
The International Olympic Committee executive board has selected golf and rugby for possible inclusion in the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Baseball and softball were dropped, although they may be allowed back in if they can figure out how to add the word “extreme” to their activities.
Actor Tony Danza is close to starring in a reality show where he’ll teach a 10th-grade English class at a high school in Philadelphia. Based on his acting abilities, let’s hope it’s “English as a second language.”
A doctor in Pensacola, Florida, has been fired for putting a sign in front of his clinic equating donuts with death. It could have been ugly. If he didn’t leave the premises quietly, the local police department was ready to send a SWAT team.
A man in Cape Coral, Florida, was arrested for biting off part of his doctor’s finger after the physician wouldn’t give him a prescription. The man refused to leave even after the doctor yelled, “Stop! I’m a proctologist!”
British troops seized several tons of raw opium on a farm belonging to the half brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Karzai had been warned to keep an eye on his ne’er-do-well brother by both former president Jimmy Carter and Jeb Bush.
Best Buy management says it will not honor an ad that mistakenly offered a big-screen TV for $9.99. Unless the customer is willing to pay full price for the $1,600 cord.
Washington state police are looking for a so-called witch doctor who offered to “cleanse” her clients’ money of evil and instead ran off with nearly $140,000. The woman used a variety of names, including Senora Monica, Fannie Mae and Bernice Madoff.
Archaeologists digging on the Isle of Mann have uncovered what may be the oldest dwelling in Britain – a 9,000-year-old shelter made of wooden posts and animal skins. They were able to date it using a stone tablet found there describing a book called “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stonehenge.”
Scientists at Brown University say they've discovered that the Candida albicans fungus performs both same-sex and opposite-sex mating activities. That explains why the fungus is common at Brown University frat parties.
Federal officials are considering a maximum-security prison in Standish, Michigan, for housing Guantanamo Bay detainees. The prisoners would be kept in line using solitary confinement, barbed wire and threats to move them to Detroit.
The International Olympic Committee executive board has selected golf and rugby for possible inclusion in the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Baseball and softball were dropped, although they may be allowed back in if they can figure out how to add the word “extreme” to their activities.
Actor Tony Danza is close to starring in a reality show where he’ll teach a 10th-grade English class at a high school in Philadelphia. Based on his acting abilities, let’s hope it’s “English as a second language.”
A doctor in Pensacola, Florida, has been fired for putting a sign in front of his clinic equating donuts with death. It could have been ugly. If he didn’t leave the premises quietly, the local police department was ready to send a SWAT team.
A man in Cape Coral, Florida, was arrested for biting off part of his doctor’s finger after the physician wouldn’t give him a prescription. The man refused to leave even after the doctor yelled, “Stop! I’m a proctologist!”
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
C-I-Had-A-Terrible-Childhood
The State Department is still trying to explain Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's outburst towards a questioner who appeared to be asking her for her husband’s opinion on an issue. The latest excuse is that the she became light-headed when the African heat made her pantsuit shrink and cut off circulation to her brain.
The Iraqi national baseball team, which has been using the same bat for four years, received a supply of new bats, mitts and baseballs from a U.S. sporting goods company. Unfortunately, their religion forced them to send back the steroids because they’re weren’t kosher.
The Writers Guild West has cleared Jay Leno of violating the guild's strike rules during the 100-day work stoppage in late 2007. Jay will have no comment on the ruling until September when he has writers again.
Botanists have discovered a new species of giant meat-eating plant in the highlands of the central Philippines that’s big enough to catch rats. The rats must not taste that great by themselves because the carnivorous vines are generally found near pepper, tomato and lettuce plants.
A swimming pool in Paris refused admission to a young Muslim woman wearing a burqini, a full body swimsuit with built-in hood, because it violated the pool’s rule for “swimming while clothed.” The pool’s management says the rule isn’t discriminatory because it’s also used to ban really hairy men.
An archaeologist claims he's located the grave of a man who was killed in an 1806 duel with Andrew Jackson in Kentucky where dueling was legal. This didn’t prevent Jackson from being elected president, which has prompted a number of Republican politicians to start looking for a state where affairs are legal.
The host of a popular Brazilian TV crime show has been accused of ordering at least five hits on drug traffickers to boost his show’s ratings. He’s been charged with drug trafficking, weapons possession and impersonating Glenn Beck.
A number of companies, including the makers of Off! Bug spray, have dropped their ads on Fox News Channel's "The Glenn Beck Program" after complaints by viewers. Beck doesn’t use Off!, preferring to repel bugs naturally by showing them clips of his show.
Former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania says he’ll visit Iowa this fall, prompting rumors of a 2012 Republican presidential run. Santorum is taking along a special voice coach to help keep his jaw from cramping during constant repetitions of the phrase “death panel.”
A jury in Louisiana found rapper Corey "C-Murder" Miller guilty of second-degree murder in the 2002 shooting death of a teenage fan in a nightclub. His lawyer asked the judge to delay sentencing until his client can change his name to “C-I-Had-A-Terrible-Childhood.”
The Iraqi national baseball team, which has been using the same bat for four years, received a supply of new bats, mitts and baseballs from a U.S. sporting goods company. Unfortunately, their religion forced them to send back the steroids because they’re weren’t kosher.
The Writers Guild West has cleared Jay Leno of violating the guild's strike rules during the 100-day work stoppage in late 2007. Jay will have no comment on the ruling until September when he has writers again.
Botanists have discovered a new species of giant meat-eating plant in the highlands of the central Philippines that’s big enough to catch rats. The rats must not taste that great by themselves because the carnivorous vines are generally found near pepper, tomato and lettuce plants.
A swimming pool in Paris refused admission to a young Muslim woman wearing a burqini, a full body swimsuit with built-in hood, because it violated the pool’s rule for “swimming while clothed.” The pool’s management says the rule isn’t discriminatory because it’s also used to ban really hairy men.
An archaeologist claims he's located the grave of a man who was killed in an 1806 duel with Andrew Jackson in Kentucky where dueling was legal. This didn’t prevent Jackson from being elected president, which has prompted a number of Republican politicians to start looking for a state where affairs are legal.
The host of a popular Brazilian TV crime show has been accused of ordering at least five hits on drug traffickers to boost his show’s ratings. He’s been charged with drug trafficking, weapons possession and impersonating Glenn Beck.
A number of companies, including the makers of Off! Bug spray, have dropped their ads on Fox News Channel's "The Glenn Beck Program" after complaints by viewers. Beck doesn’t use Off!, preferring to repel bugs naturally by showing them clips of his show.
Former Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania says he’ll visit Iowa this fall, prompting rumors of a 2012 Republican presidential run. Santorum is taking along a special voice coach to help keep his jaw from cramping during constant repetitions of the phrase “death panel.”
A jury in Louisiana found rapper Corey "C-Murder" Miller guilty of second-degree murder in the 2002 shooting death of a teenage fan in a nightclub. His lawyer asked the judge to delay sentencing until his client can change his name to “C-I-Had-A-Terrible-Childhood.”
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Only you can prevent jalapeno trees
General Motors claims the new Chevrolet Volt rechargeable electric car should get 230 miles per gallon of gasoline in city driving. That’s four times the Toyota Prius and close to the record set by a kid who built his Soap Box Derby car on top of a mountain.
A columnist for the Financial Times compared President Obama to Felix the Cat, saying that, like Obama, the cartoon cat was black and lucky. There wasn’t much outrage at the comment since the columnist appears to be the only person alive who remembers Felix the Cat.
The top-selling country music duo Brooks and Dunn announced they’re breaking up the team in 2010. This is the biggest spilt in country music since Wynona Judd stopped wearing tight pants.
A new survey found that about half of American women think the government should mandate that wives take their husbands' last name upon marriage. The survey results were a disappointment to a select group of computer technicians who specialize in replacing worn-out hyphens on keyboards.
Sweden’s National Tax Agency, which regulates names in that country, say a 19-year-old woman cannot change her middle name to Dark Knight. The ruling was made by the head of the agency, Robin D. Boywonder.
Workers in California’s lucrative porn business say it’s in a slump because of the bad economy and free Internet sites. It’s tough to get a government bailout when “stimulus package” is also the name of a porn movie.
The U.S. Forest Service is celebrating the 65th birthday of Smokey Bear by featuring him in a new children’s book that will be available in both English ands Spanish. Some things get lost in translation. In Spanish, Smokey’s message is “Only you can prevent jalapeno trees.”
Michael Vick's agent was at the Washington Redskins’ training camp but says there’s “no chance” his client will sign with the team. Vick asked for a tryout, but the coaching staff said there were too many on the list ahead of him, including a number of bobble-head dolls.
Two well-dress thieves walked into a London Bond Street jewelry store last week and stole $65 million worth of gems. The robbers figured if they dressed nice, the movie about the robbery would star Daniel Craig and Pierce Brosnan instead of Rowan Atkinson and Robbie Coltrane.
At a trial in Orlando, a 60-year-old man was convicted of groping a woman in a Minnie Mouse costume at Walt Disney World. He was sentenced to 180 days probation minus the one day he spent in the hospital having Mickey Mouse’s large red shoe removed from his colon.
In an interview with Radar magazine, Levi Johnston said that marital problems were a factor in former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation. The chapter on Levi in Sarah’s new book is expected to be titled, “OK, I Can Think Of One Person Who Should Get Euthanized.”
Officials in Cuba say the country's economic crisis is so severe that it’s in danger of running out of toilet paper. Adding to the problem is the fact that, for the first time in 60 years, we have a president who Cubans like too much to use his picture in place of toilet paper.
A columnist for the Financial Times compared President Obama to Felix the Cat, saying that, like Obama, the cartoon cat was black and lucky. There wasn’t much outrage at the comment since the columnist appears to be the only person alive who remembers Felix the Cat.
The top-selling country music duo Brooks and Dunn announced they’re breaking up the team in 2010. This is the biggest spilt in country music since Wynona Judd stopped wearing tight pants.
A new survey found that about half of American women think the government should mandate that wives take their husbands' last name upon marriage. The survey results were a disappointment to a select group of computer technicians who specialize in replacing worn-out hyphens on keyboards.
Sweden’s National Tax Agency, which regulates names in that country, say a 19-year-old woman cannot change her middle name to Dark Knight. The ruling was made by the head of the agency, Robin D. Boywonder.
Workers in California’s lucrative porn business say it’s in a slump because of the bad economy and free Internet sites. It’s tough to get a government bailout when “stimulus package” is also the name of a porn movie.
The U.S. Forest Service is celebrating the 65th birthday of Smokey Bear by featuring him in a new children’s book that will be available in both English ands Spanish. Some things get lost in translation. In Spanish, Smokey’s message is “Only you can prevent jalapeno trees.”
Michael Vick's agent was at the Washington Redskins’ training camp but says there’s “no chance” his client will sign with the team. Vick asked for a tryout, but the coaching staff said there were too many on the list ahead of him, including a number of bobble-head dolls.
Two well-dress thieves walked into a London Bond Street jewelry store last week and stole $65 million worth of gems. The robbers figured if they dressed nice, the movie about the robbery would star Daniel Craig and Pierce Brosnan instead of Rowan Atkinson and Robbie Coltrane.
At a trial in Orlando, a 60-year-old man was convicted of groping a woman in a Minnie Mouse costume at Walt Disney World. He was sentenced to 180 days probation minus the one day he spent in the hospital having Mickey Mouse’s large red shoe removed from his colon.
In an interview with Radar magazine, Levi Johnston said that marital problems were a factor in former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation. The chapter on Levi in Sarah’s new book is expected to be titled, “OK, I Can Think Of One Person Who Should Get Euthanized.”
Officials in Cuba say the country's economic crisis is so severe that it’s in danger of running out of toilet paper. Adding to the problem is the fact that, for the first time in 60 years, we have a president who Cubans like too much to use his picture in place of toilet paper.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
People say she was just monkeying around
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford says he supports his wife's decision to move out of the governor's mansion because he had an affair with an Argentine woman. She took half of everything, including the half of the Bible he didn’t read.
U.S. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter, has introduced legislation to create a tax deduction for what pet owners spend on veterinary care, but he’s against national health care reform. In a related story, novelty shops report sales of dog, cat and hamster costumes way up.
Ben Stein was fired by the New York Times over his appearance in commercials for FreeScore.com, a company that charges for so-called “free” credit reports. Ben’s next project is getting together his former cast mates from “The Wonder Years” for a free pay-per-view reunion.
Jay Leno says his hospitalization for exhaustion in April convinced him to start running four miles a day and so far he’s lost 12 pounds. Big deal. All he has to do is lean forward and the weight of his chin gives him enough momentum for a marathon.
The wife of Monkees drummer Micky Dolenz was arrested on charges that she defrauded an affordable housing program in New York City. She’s hoping her husband rounds up some people to say she was just monkeying around.
A bride in China says her 7,093-foot-long wedding dress is a world record. Elizabeth Taylor claims her wedding train is longer, but that’s only if you string all of her dresses end-to-end.
Madonna's concert planned for Ljubljana's Stozice horse track in Slovenia has been canceled due to “unexpected logistical problems.” Apparently Madonna refused to give free rides to all of the jockeys.
A private plane carrying Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore was forced to return to the Las Vegas airport shortly after takeoff due to mechanical problems, and both of them Twittered their fans during the ordeal. The first posts were 140 characters using nothing but the characters A, H and !.
A man in Florida arrested for having more than 1,000 images of child pornography on his computer blamed them on his cat who likes to walk across his keyboard and accidentally download pictures. Authorities brought the cat in for questioning after noticing a lot of the photos were from Persia.
Archaeologists have uncovered what is believed to be the birthplace of Vespasian, the Roman emperor who built the Colosseum. They think it’s his because they found a box with a bunch of toy lions and Christians.
U.S. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter, has introduced legislation to create a tax deduction for what pet owners spend on veterinary care, but he’s against national health care reform. In a related story, novelty shops report sales of dog, cat and hamster costumes way up.
Ben Stein was fired by the New York Times over his appearance in commercials for FreeScore.com, a company that charges for so-called “free” credit reports. Ben’s next project is getting together his former cast mates from “The Wonder Years” for a free pay-per-view reunion.
Jay Leno says his hospitalization for exhaustion in April convinced him to start running four miles a day and so far he’s lost 12 pounds. Big deal. All he has to do is lean forward and the weight of his chin gives him enough momentum for a marathon.
The wife of Monkees drummer Micky Dolenz was arrested on charges that she defrauded an affordable housing program in New York City. She’s hoping her husband rounds up some people to say she was just monkeying around.
A bride in China says her 7,093-foot-long wedding dress is a world record. Elizabeth Taylor claims her wedding train is longer, but that’s only if you string all of her dresses end-to-end.
Madonna's concert planned for Ljubljana's Stozice horse track in Slovenia has been canceled due to “unexpected logistical problems.” Apparently Madonna refused to give free rides to all of the jockeys.
A private plane carrying Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore was forced to return to the Las Vegas airport shortly after takeoff due to mechanical problems, and both of them Twittered their fans during the ordeal. The first posts were 140 characters using nothing but the characters A, H and !.
A man in Florida arrested for having more than 1,000 images of child pornography on his computer blamed them on his cat who likes to walk across his keyboard and accidentally download pictures. Authorities brought the cat in for questioning after noticing a lot of the photos were from Persia.
Archaeologists have uncovered what is believed to be the birthplace of Vespasian, the Roman emperor who built the Colosseum. They think it’s his because they found a box with a bunch of toy lions and Christians.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Trade the 40 young goats for one old one
Four women quit a new female wrestling team in Diwaniya, Iraq, south of Baghdad, because a cleric said that wrestling can lead to promiscuity. The coach is pretty upset because they were his best wrestlers: The Fabulous Fallujah, Iraqin’ Robin, Big Burka and The Roadside Bombshell.
According to the latest polls, President Obama’s approval rating dropped 7 points to 56 percent. The results are questionable because pollsters in southern states printed their surveys on the back of fake birth certificates.
A Spanish toymaker has developed a breast-feeding doll that comes with a special halter top little girls can wear to pretend to breast-feed their babies. If that’s not creepy enough, once the little girls get tired of playing with the dolls, they still want to keep the big breasts.
The Senate confirmed Sonia Sotomayor as the first Hispanic justice on the Supreme Court with a 68-31 vote. The 31 senators on the losing side felt vindicated when Sotomayor gave them no sympathy.
A Kenyan man offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for he daughter Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage. Hillary turned him down but Bill called and asked the guy if he’d trade the 40 young goats for one old one.
Aerosmith’s lead singer Steven Tyler is recovering after falling off the stage during a concert at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. Tyler doesn’t have any trouble dancing backwards, but he was leaning forward and the weight of his teeth tipped him over.
A South Korean hypnotist was fined for kissing a woman he took out on a date and thought he had successfully put to sleep. Poor guy had never been married so he couldn’t tell that the woman was faking it.
New ads on Brazilian TV tell Brazilians that if they urinate in the shower instead of flushing it down the commode, a household can save over 1,100 gallons of water a year. If Brazilians have trouble getting the flow going, they’re told to imagine the person they’re showering with is a tree.
Appearing at the annual Television Critics Association get-together, Jay Leno said he lost weight by running four miles a day. He tried Jay-walking, but was constantly being stopped by people begging him to ask them a question.
Sprint and Samsung have joined forces to develop a $50 “eco-conscious” with a casing of biodegradable plastic made partly from corn. So far, the main problem is that the corn makes voices sound husky.
According to the latest polls, President Obama’s approval rating dropped 7 points to 56 percent. The results are questionable because pollsters in southern states printed their surveys on the back of fake birth certificates.
A Spanish toymaker has developed a breast-feeding doll that comes with a special halter top little girls can wear to pretend to breast-feed their babies. If that’s not creepy enough, once the little girls get tired of playing with the dolls, they still want to keep the big breasts.
The Senate confirmed Sonia Sotomayor as the first Hispanic justice on the Supreme Court with a 68-31 vote. The 31 senators on the losing side felt vindicated when Sotomayor gave them no sympathy.
A Kenyan man offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for he daughter Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage. Hillary turned him down but Bill called and asked the guy if he’d trade the 40 young goats for one old one.
Aerosmith’s lead singer Steven Tyler is recovering after falling off the stage during a concert at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. Tyler doesn’t have any trouble dancing backwards, but he was leaning forward and the weight of his teeth tipped him over.
A South Korean hypnotist was fined for kissing a woman he took out on a date and thought he had successfully put to sleep. Poor guy had never been married so he couldn’t tell that the woman was faking it.
New ads on Brazilian TV tell Brazilians that if they urinate in the shower instead of flushing it down the commode, a household can save over 1,100 gallons of water a year. If Brazilians have trouble getting the flow going, they’re told to imagine the person they’re showering with is a tree.
Appearing at the annual Television Critics Association get-together, Jay Leno said he lost weight by running four miles a day. He tried Jay-walking, but was constantly being stopped by people begging him to ask them a question.
Sprint and Samsung have joined forces to develop a $50 “eco-conscious” with a casing of biodegradable plastic made partly from corn. So far, the main problem is that the corn makes voices sound husky.
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