Thursday, July 17, 2008

Barack hangs around with dumbbells?

Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic have developed a procedure for kidney donors that leaves them nearly scar-less by removing the organ through the belly button. And to convince more teens to become donors, they’ll throw in a polished kidney stone set in a navel ring.

Bob Costas will be in Beijing covering his seventh Olympics and NBC announced he’ll be doing more work outside the studio. First they had to assure Bob that Beijing’s polluted atmosphere wouldn’t damage his hair.

A McDonald's franchisee in Las Vegas has been ordered to pay a $1 million fine after pleading guilty to felony immigration offenses for giving false Social Security numbers to illegal aliens. The illegal aliens were caught when they kept asking customers if they wanted refried fries.

A judge in Saratoga Springs, New York, ordered a 19-year-old man to write an apology to the city for dressing in a 6-foot penis costume at a high school graduation. The man is now in a bidding war over which presidential convention he’ll attend.

Steve Martin's Working Wildlife of Los Angeles - Hollywood's sole supplier of orangutans for movies - has decided to quit renting them out and send six of them to an Iowa sanctuary. What’s even worse, there’s a severe shortage of actors who act like apes since Andy Dick was arrested.

While visiting Australia, Pope Benedict XVI said that the world's natural resources are being squandered in the pursuit of “insatiable consumption.” Many Catholics were disappointed that his list of the world’s natural resources didn’t include altar boys.

Democrat Barack Obama raised $52 million in June, more than twice as much as Republican John McCain. That’s so much money, Jesse Jackson now refers to the part of Barack he wants to cut off as the “crown jewels.”

Reporters following Barack Obama on the campaign trial say that during one 24-hour period this week, the candidate worked out at a gym five times. According to the McCain campaign, this is proof that Obama has flip-flopped from socializing with intellectuals to hanging around with dumbbells.

Former President Bill Clinton's foundation has signed pricing agreements with several suppliers involved in making a malaria-fighting drug in an effort to stabilize the drug’s price. Hillary still isn’t sure if Bill is serious about fighting malaria or is just using it as an excuse to ask women to show him their mosquito bites.

A Berlin-based publisher is getting criticism for a new children’s card game that includes images and information on Adolf Hitler, Francisco Franco, Joseph Stalin and other famous tyrants. No Americans made the game, although a picture of Rudy Giuliani in drag was rumored to have been in the running for the Old Maid.

Residents of Pinellas Park, Florida, were shocked after a recent rain when they spotted a group of about 30 walking catfish traveling through their neighborhood. The walking fish disappeared as quickly as they showed up and were presumed to have been caught and eaten by local creationists.

(c) 2008 Paul Seaburn

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