Tuesday, July 22, 2008

No One In England Gives A Rat's Behind

The FDA is warning consumers to avoid fresh jalapeno peppers after finding salmonella bacteria on one in Texas. People who miss eating raw jalapenos are advised to show off their masculinity by purchasing a sports car instead.

Wachovia Corp. announced it lost $8.86 billion in the second quarter and as a result is cutting 6,350 jobs. Most of the laid-off workers will be replaced by state-of-the-art ATMs equipped with a shaking head for turning down loans and a voice box for saying “Next ATM, please.”

A court in California sentenced two men to prison for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's crotch on fire back in January. Being a typical guy, the victim still wears the burnt shorts because it was his favorite pair.

A pastor in Kokomo, Indiana, brought his dirt bike to a Sunday church service to demonstrate the concept of unity and ended up losing control and wiping out the first row of pews. Fortunately, no one was hurt and he has a topic for this week’s sermon: “Why Jesus rode a donkey instead of a dirt bike.”

Serbian officials say captured war criminal Radovan Karadzic grew a long, white beard to conceal his identity and hid in sight in Belgrade. When asked to comment, Karl Rove said he’s growing his beard to play Santa at Christmas.

More bad news for Batman star Christian Bale, who was arrested in London for allegedly assaulting his mother and sister. Now his butler Alfred is accusing him of deliberately smoking in the Batmobile and making him vacuum out the butts.

About 10 members of OpenCarry.org, a club advocating open-carry policies for handguns, were allowed to bring their guns when they visited a Boise, Idaho, zoo. Zoo officials say it’s the first time in zoo history not a single monkey flung poo at a visitor.

A New York man is fighting his apartment's co-op board which asked him to remove an American flag he hung on his door after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. John McCain has offered to show his support by wearing the entire door on his lapel.

Firefighters in Vancouver, Washington, were able to rescue a cat that had lodged its head inside a mason jar. THey’re not saying how they did it, but it involved petroleum jelly, the jaws-of-life and a firefighter who does Rottweiller impressions.

Actor and Illinois native Bill Murray is scheduled to jump out of a plane with the U.S. Army's Golden Knights at next month's Chicago Air and Water Show. To make sure Murray lands on the right spot on the ground, it will be covered with a large picture of his ex-wife.

British scientists at Leeds Dental Institute say they’ve developed ways to repair cavities without a dentist drill and to remove plaque without a toothbrush. As expected, no one in England gives a rat’s behind.

According to a new survey published in the Archives of Dermatology, women are more likely than men to remove tattoos, usually motivated by the social stigma and negative comments. While women have it done surgically, men are more likely to try to lick off their tattoos to win a bar bet.

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