Friday, July 18, 2008

Weapons of Moss Destruction

The Southwest Freeway through Sugar Land, Texas, was shut down for eight hours while workers cleaned up 5,000 gallons of molasses spilled when a tanker truck overturned. When it heard there was 5,000 gallons of something blocking a Texas road, FEMA sent 500 ten-gallon hats.

Despite protests by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the Army shot live pigs and treated their gunshot wounds in a medical trauma exercise at a base in Hawaii. The Army didn’t want to use the pigs, but the PETA members refused to run.

Police in Denton, Texas, won’t file charges against a clerk whose parents and husband were charged with robbing the pizza restaurant where she worked because she knew nothing about it. She figured out who the masked robbers were when they said they were just getting back for all those pizza coupons she gave them for Christmas and birthdays.

Fire investigators say a blaze that destroyed a home in Mendota Heights, Minnesota, recently was caused by a flowerpot that spontaneously combusted after sitting in the sun for several hot days. Let’s hope terrorist don’t find out about this and start developing Weapons of ‘Moss’ Destruction.

London police arrested a man on suspicion of carrying out a series of sex attacks on sheep over a two month period. At least it wasn’t bovines, because that would mean he’s suffering from Mad About Cows Disease.

According to researchers at the University of Illinois, watching television news contributes to negative stereotyping. It’s not just the news. I don’t know of a single person who watches TV and doesn’t have negative feelings towards purple dinosaurs.

A study to identify America's Most Walkable Neighborhood named San Francisco as the most walkable of the 40 largest U.S. cities, with New York finishing second. New York would have finished ahead of San Francisco, but the study counted skipping as walking.

Uppsala, Sweden, is hosting the World Championship of footballgolf, where golfers kick soccer balls into holes. It was supposed to be held in January 2009, but the players demanded to do it now before Tiger Woods’ knee healed.

A measure to name a city sewage plant for President George W. Bush has qualified for the November ballot in San Francisco. They should combine the sewage plant with the Bush Library since the bathroom is where the president does all of his reading.

The FDA has lifted its warning about certain tomatoes linked to a salmonella outbreak. This is good news for Secret Service agents who were concerned about catching salmonella if they had to throw themselves between the president and a tossed rotten tomato.

The owner of the Laugh Factory in L.A. wants Jesse Jackson to pay a $50 fine like the Reverend demanded from comics using the N-word after Michael Richards caused a stir by saying it in his act two years ago. Actually, he’d make more money if he charged Jackson a nickel every time he said “Barack who?”

(c) 2008 Paul Seaburn

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