Thursday, January 29, 2009

Childbirth For Dummies

A spokeswoman for Mickey Rourke says the star of “The Wrestler” won’t wrestle WWE superstar Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 25 in April in Houston. If Mickey wants to punch someone who’s a fake at their job, he can hit a couple pf judges at the Oscars.

Federal inspectors reported finding roaches, mold and a leaking roof at the peanut plant in Georgia responsible for the recent salmonella outbreak. If that’s what causes salmonella, half the city of New York is in danger.

President Obama's former personal chef has been hired to work at the White House. He’ll be adding some Chicago specialties to the menu, something the White House hasn’t seen since Hillary Clinton banned all sausages – Polish or otherwise.

The Postmaster General told Congress that massive deficits could force the post office to cut out Saturday delivery. Members of Congress were so upset, they immediately sent text messages to warn their constituents.

A San Diego judge declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer's face and threw it at jurors. The lawyer came back to the courtroom after cleaning up, but the judge sent him home because he still looked flushed.

A South Korean firm claims to have developed a new technique that will reduce the cost of cloning your pet from $100,000 to $50,000. If you can’t afford that, for 25 bucks Earl Scheib will paint your new dog to match your old dog.

Scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory are trying to figure out why the Mars rover Spirit has been acting erratically lately. One theory is that the rover was so excited about finding Martian ice, it’s been doing donuts on it ever since.

Workers at the Denver Public Library found a woman giving birth to a baby girl on the first floor of the building. Luckily, that’s where the Childbirth For Dummies books are located.

A study of British dairy farms found that cows with names tend to be happier and give more milk than ones with no names. Unless the cow’s name is Bill, Chuck or Larry.

Twentieth Century Fox is working on a movie based on the 1980s TV action-adventure series, “The A-Team.” Word leaked out when Mr. T was spotted in Beverly Hills getting a Mohawk transplant.

A 56-year-old woman claims she’s comedian Jerry Lewis’ love child and want to take a DNA test to prove it. She began suspecting she was related to Lewis when she traveled to Europe and was only hated by half of the French people she met.

Madame Tussauds Washington DC Wax Museum will unveil a Michelle Obama statue in March, one of only three First Lady statues at the museum. Former First Lady Laura Bush isn’t one of them, although her husband offered to donate his ear wax for it.

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