Sunday, January 18, 2009

Do you want files with that?

Barack Obama plans to spend his first day in office attending prayer services at the National Cathedral, followed by welcoming hundreds of special guests to the White House. Then he’ll go back to the cathedral to pray for forgiveness for the stuff the guests broke in the Lincoln bedroom.

Sears is testing a new concept store in Illinois called MyGofer where customers order products online and pick them up at a drive-through window. Clerks manning the window will be instructed to ask, “Do you want files with that?”

A researcher at University College London used a mathematical model to determine that that women who postpone sex until after the first date increase their chances of finding a reliable partner. Sounds more like another report attempting to explain why mathematicians don’t get sex on the first date.

“Bride Wars” star Anne Hathaway says she would love to babysit President-elect Barack Obama's two daughters as the country's "first babysitter." Unfortunately, that job is already taken by Joe Biden.

The author of “The Chopsticks Diet” says using chopsticks helps you eat less and lose weight. The wooden ones also come in handy when you burn your copy of the book out of frustration.

The FDA is urging consumers to avoid eating cookies, cakes, ice cream and other foods that contain peanut butter until authorities can stop a deadly salmonella outbreak. Depressed conservative talk show hosts looking for anything to rant about are already blaming this on Jimmy Carter.

Oprah Winfrey says she’s “very disappointed” that former guest Herman Rosenblat lied about meeting his future wife in a Nazi concentration camp. How disappointed? She asked BFF Barack Obama to wait a few more days before banning torture.

Barack Obama and Joe Biden had a great time riding a train to Washington for the inauguration. Their favorite part was when the Secret Service dressed like Snidely Whiplash and tied bundles to the track that looked like Bush and Cheney.

Proof that President Bush still doesn’t get it … in his list of last-minute advice, he told Barack Obama to make sure he takes a lot of dollar bills if he visits the Gaza Strip.

Barack Obama’s new presidential limo from Cadillac has the license plate number “44.” That’s not just because he’s the 44th president -- it’s also how far the car can go before it needs a fill-up.

In Ketchum, Idaho, a 52-year-old woman is facing misdemeanor battery charges for hitting an opposing player with a hockey stick during a no-contact hockey game. She’s hoping the judge waives punishment after she finishes her 2 years in the penalty box.

Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers says he lost a ping-pong game to the Obama girls while they were waiting backstage at "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." That cry you just heard is the Bush twins remembering their ping-pong games with Karl Rove.

Did you see Tiger Woods at the inauguration celebration at the Lincoln Memorial? He left his clubs at home because he didn’t want the Republicans still left in town to mistake him for a caddy.

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