Sunday, January 25, 2009

Help Save Mr. Peanut

One of Nigeria's biggest daily newspapers reports on the front page that police captured a suspected car thief who turned himself into a goat. I would have believed the story had I not been contacted by a Nigerian businessman who said I could make a million dollars if I made the same claim.

Rumors are flying that Starbucks may lay off another 1,000 people in the coming weeks. You know things are bad when your barista tells you to go around back where he’ll sell you black-market soy milk.

More bad news in the peanut butter recall. An executive from Planters begged President Obama to shut down Guantanamo before Mr. Peanut gets sent there.

A fan of Sarah Palin backed out of an eBay auction when he found out the look-alike mannequin he bought was once used to hang Sarah in effigy. Luckily, the Republican Party bought the mannequin and will use it to sell some of Sarah’s campaign clothes.

A Wal-Mart employee in Mississippi is accused of rolling back the price of over $500 worth of merchandise to $5.25 for a friend. Wal-Mart officials caught the woman when the smiley face over her checkout counter suddenly started frowning.

National Transportation Safety Board inspectors say they found evidence that the US Airways jetliner that ditched in the Hudson River hit a soft body. Out of habit, a number of New Jersey guys named Vinnie said they had nothing to do with it.

Katie Stam of Indiana, who was voted into the final 15 by viewers, was crowned Miss America. Randy Jackson wasn’t a judge but he thought her singing was pitchy, her pitch for world peace was wordy and her walk down the runway pitched to the right.

Middle East experts say al-Qaida is having a tough time getting followers to hate Barack Obama as much as they hated George W. Bush. For the first time in eight years, al-Qaida members are buying shoes that feel good on their feet, not in their hands.

Police in upstate New York seized heroin marketed in packages stamped with "Obama" in red ink. They also found tons of heroin marked “Bush” but decided it wasn’t dangerous since the market has dried up.

A 78-year-old man in England claims he has a working 40-year-old microwave oven that’s nuked over 150,000 meals. He’s never cleaned the insides so there’s only enough room to cook things that can fit in a shot glass.

An Australian orchard grower said the fruit bats eating his crops are so bold, even playing his bagpipes doesn’t drive them away. Now he’s been asked to stop because the fruit bats have been named the national birds of Scotland.

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